So I'm waiting in the waiting room for my first appointment I am so friggin scared what do I say I've seen a shrink but these people deal with EDs all day so how much can I keep for me and how much will they see through me or even believe me or will they think I'm lying I hate my paranoia I hope the doc is cool I really do it would suck if not. Oh here's awesomeness my work colleague gave me his old computer and I have a web stick so internet here I come because I won't stop blogging unless my phone gets cut off ^_^
Sent from BlackBerry® from Vodafone
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
It's been soooo long
So I open my mail box a few weeks ago and a feeling of happiness and guilt over comes me. What do I find? A christmas card from Lou. THANK YOU.
So why have I been gone? No internet, (got cut off). Then my phone was spazzing out which it's dead now. And to take the cake my laptop went and died too. But I can't completely blame technology some of it was me being way to busy and not getting to it at all with the new job and stuff. Also the retarded thought process of not being able to read your posts to catch up so I shouldn't be posting mine. Well that card gave me the kick in the ass I probably needed. Now to my updates:
I have been wirking at my new job which I absolutely love especially the people I work with...well one thing bothers me I slowly started gaining weight back and getting it off but staying in the stupid range of 67-71kg limit.
I just got back down to around 71 after hittin 75kg (6kg gain over the holidays).
Still binging a lot even more so just not always purging as much which is even worse since those guilt thoughts lead me to suicidal thoughts.I'm just vegetarian now no longer vegan (gave into colleague pressure fuck you cheese).
However next thursday I'm starting my first stab at ED recovery. I got a therapy spot offered about two weeks ago (I only applied for it in may). I don't know how it will go but if I'm lucky I might at least get a tummy tuck out of it (is it sad to milk this fucker for all I can). But seriously that fucked up stomach is what over time warped the image I had of myself pre-pregnancy. At this point I don't know how I feel about recovery anymore but if I can get away from the binging and closer to starving I think I may be happier. I still have a lot of weight to loose but if I'm lucky ill actually recover. I honestly don't know. I'll give it a shot.
In happier news mini-me is my sunshine this little girl can pull me out of a shallow but dark hole sometimes with the things she says that just warm my heart. She's good and her imagination works, she's a different character or person almost everyday, she's been an elf, cat (she likes that one the most and uses that one more often), Mogli (yes from jungle book), oh and the other day she was Carla.
So why have I been gone? No internet, (got cut off). Then my phone was spazzing out which it's dead now. And to take the cake my laptop went and died too. But I can't completely blame technology some of it was me being way to busy and not getting to it at all with the new job and stuff. Also the retarded thought process of not being able to read your posts to catch up so I shouldn't be posting mine. Well that card gave me the kick in the ass I probably needed. Now to my updates:
I have been wirking at my new job which I absolutely love especially the people I work with...well one thing bothers me I slowly started gaining weight back and getting it off but staying in the stupid range of 67-71kg limit.
I just got back down to around 71 after hittin 75kg (6kg gain over the holidays).
Still binging a lot even more so just not always purging as much which is even worse since those guilt thoughts lead me to suicidal thoughts.I'm just vegetarian now no longer vegan (gave into colleague pressure fuck you cheese).
However next thursday I'm starting my first stab at ED recovery. I got a therapy spot offered about two weeks ago (I only applied for it in may). I don't know how it will go but if I'm lucky I might at least get a tummy tuck out of it (is it sad to milk this fucker for all I can). But seriously that fucked up stomach is what over time warped the image I had of myself pre-pregnancy. At this point I don't know how I feel about recovery anymore but if I can get away from the binging and closer to starving I think I may be happier. I still have a lot of weight to loose but if I'm lucky ill actually recover. I honestly don't know. I'll give it a shot.
In happier news mini-me is my sunshine this little girl can pull me out of a shallow but dark hole sometimes with the things she says that just warm my heart. She's good and her imagination works, she's a different character or person almost everyday, she's been an elf, cat (she likes that one the most and uses that one more often), Mogli (yes from jungle book), oh and the other day she was Carla.
I hope to post more often in the future right now I have my moms old ass blackberry but it's ok. Also just because I might take a stab at recovery (not until next week though ^_^) don't feel like I'm gonna be judgmental I won't everybody has to figure it out for themselves so if I ever get the chance to get caught up on you guys (this bastard won't load blogger and just cuts out I have to do the stupid email thing) ill still read whatever you post!
Love you truly truly missed you sorry for being gone but I will try
MUAH
Sent from BlackBerry® from Vodafone
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