yeah so basically here goes the reason for not having posted a blog or comments recently... wednesday my oh so smart and intelligent self broke the display to my laptop...damn headphones in between. (my mom loaned me her netbook for the time being) doing so made me so mad at myself that i fell into a pit of self-loathing. a pretty deep pit (you'll see i'm going to add the 2 journal entries i made with you in mind at the time) didn't help that Aunt Flow came to visit. i talked to my therapist and she put me on seroquel which i am to take when i'm in a deep pit again. what sucks is that when i take it although i can't go down in mood i can't go up either it's just a constant blaaaaahhhhh... even smiling at things i know are funny is hard. i'm so glad that i met great people here who help me along the way. it's funny how the fellow patients are better than the therapists. except they can't provide me with drugs....lol.
oh before i type up the journal entries i will definitely respond to all the comments i got just not today!!! thank you oh and the sunshine award i'll also do a separate post for thanks lola (i'll link her in the award post)...it sucks that it's limited to a certain number of people since so many of you give me strength and of course that most of you have already got an award but hey i'll figure something out. i might do it tomorrow though since today i'm pretty tired already. although i've had a good evening.
at the end I added a funny little tid bit of my life here...
20 April 2010
i am filled with self loathing. i broke my laptop. i am angry and pissed. what did i do to punish myself? binge & purge... if i was a cutter i'd be cutting. i just want to purge the emptiness in my stomach. ugh. i'm so fucking pissd. i hate my body, i feel like i weigh and look 1000 lbs. loathing loathing. i thought i was doing so good but such a small thing has thrown me completely off balance. all the progress i made seems to have disappeared. i hate myself. i couldn't even stay on the phone with my besty. i just want to scratch myself until my skin is torn open and it'll hurt for the next few days to remind myself of what a fucking dumb ass i am. i don't deserve happiness, i don't deserve my awesome daughter. i deserve nothing. i shouldn't have even taken the pain killer for my headache. all i deserve is fucking pain. i hate myself sooo fucking much. don't fear death is something i don't deserve because escape would mean release, and someone like me doesn't even deserve that.
I HATE MYSELF
21 April 2010
it's like the past two weeks i was so occupied with the people around me that i pushed all my self hatred to the back of my mind.
the only solace i can seem to find are in ana & mia. they help me conquer one part of my self hatred...
i'm sitting here trying not to hurt myself in any way but it's hard. i'm not a cutter so that isn't an issue, no i'm a scratcher. i'll pick a random spot on my body and scratch until i bleed and i'm certain that in the morning when i shower it'll burn on contact with the water. yes i do it to remind myself of punishment. i just want to go and crawl into a...something dark where i can hid my ugly fat self. god i hate my weakness. i want drugs but they'll only give me a few hours of escape., that's just not enough. i'm filled with so much self-loathing right now i feel like every bit of progress i made was just an illusion. i hunger for pain. any kind of pain. somthing... i think i can still win against the urge...
I WANT PAIN
and a future
oh and the funny side note thursday one of the staff caught me purging:
S: Are you okay?
I: yes
S: you don't sound like you're ok
I: I'm fine thanks
now I thought she was gone so i finish up and come out but no she was standing there
S: Why were you throwing up
I: Oh I ate to much to fast, and it wasn't very good
S: Have you ever thrown up while here
I: No (shit a big lie but hell why would I tell the truth)
S: Have you ever thrown up at home
I: Yeah (smile)
S: When
I: When I had the stomach flu
S: Oh ok well you need to tell the staff when you aren't feeling well
I: Ok will do my mom brought me some snacks I'm gonna eat those
so then I took a nutri-grain bar, ate one in front of the eyes of the staff and threw the other one away...bastards!!!
i will catch up probably tomorrow in between my therapies lots of hugs and kisses
stay strong
MUAH
Showing posts with label loony bin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loony bin. Show all posts
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
quick post
well in the common room not much privacy my roommate is having her meeting with her therapist in our room. I got kicked out...lol
well i don't know if it's the meds or the additional (th)inspiration I get from you guys again but i have no appetite and my food doesn't even want to stay down. It's like ana is sitting on one shoulder keeping me from eating, and mia on my other urging me to offer the little i do take in to the Porcelain God.
I need to remember to use my banana hair clip to induce purging because my knuckle is starting to stay red. I'm still good it's normal now.
It's kind of funny I had activity therapy today and at the end we were supposed to relax my first thought was hmmm how can i get around eating lunch. which right now everyone is still joking about how i take like 2 bites and throw the rest away but if it keeps going like this...I'm really going to have to figure something out. They watch me. Not the caretakers or doctors but my fellow patients. And unlike Mia-Girly, I can't come out about my eating because I honestly don't want help for it. Not yet, maybe not ever. I've also come to the realization 117lbs is probably not going to be enough. I want my ribs out, I want my hip bones jutting out ready to slice, I want my sternum visible, I want dainty wrists, I want my spine visible and I want my shoulder blades out. At first it wasn't like that but now when I stretch up I can see like 4 ribs on each side and I'm LOVING the sight of them. It's proof of results. I've also lost some weight once again, awesome. I want to feel extreme hunger again. I want to know what that empty starving feeling in my stomach feels like again. They feed us so often here that there's no time to get hungry between meals. Right now I'm sticking with the excuse I only eat when I'm hungry and I'm just not hungry. Sorry!!! but not really.
It's like the better I get with my social anxiety and depression the more I turn to my one point of control. Over here it's really overwhelming because you put so much trust into the doctors, staff, and patients that I feel like I don't have control over anything except that. Here is where I've come to realize the depth of my disordered eating. I know it might sound depressing but actually I'm celebrating it (as sick as it is, and I don't suggest anyone go down my path), it makes me happy to have my own little secret, my own fountain of control I can draw strength from.
And to all you beautiful ladies, I am still catching up on all your blogs posting where I can.
Well I have to go to my next therapy, it's drawing. They read us a story then give us a theme and we have to draw to it and then discuss what we drew. It's pretty awesome aside from my sucky drawing skills!!!
Stay Strong!!!
MUAH (x2938539856)
i guess this post is longer than I thought no proof reading please excuse, but I know you guys love me.
well i don't know if it's the meds or the additional (th)inspiration I get from you guys again but i have no appetite and my food doesn't even want to stay down. It's like ana is sitting on one shoulder keeping me from eating, and mia on my other urging me to offer the little i do take in to the Porcelain God.
I need to remember to use my banana hair clip to induce purging because my knuckle is starting to stay red. I'm still good it's normal now.
It's kind of funny I had activity therapy today and at the end we were supposed to relax my first thought was hmmm how can i get around eating lunch. which right now everyone is still joking about how i take like 2 bites and throw the rest away but if it keeps going like this...I'm really going to have to figure something out. They watch me. Not the caretakers or doctors but my fellow patients. And unlike Mia-Girly, I can't come out about my eating because I honestly don't want help for it. Not yet, maybe not ever. I've also come to the realization 117lbs is probably not going to be enough. I want my ribs out, I want my hip bones jutting out ready to slice, I want my sternum visible, I want dainty wrists, I want my spine visible and I want my shoulder blades out. At first it wasn't like that but now when I stretch up I can see like 4 ribs on each side and I'm LOVING the sight of them. It's proof of results. I've also lost some weight once again, awesome. I want to feel extreme hunger again. I want to know what that empty starving feeling in my stomach feels like again. They feed us so often here that there's no time to get hungry between meals. Right now I'm sticking with the excuse I only eat when I'm hungry and I'm just not hungry. Sorry!!! but not really.
It's like the better I get with my social anxiety and depression the more I turn to my one point of control. Over here it's really overwhelming because you put so much trust into the doctors, staff, and patients that I feel like I don't have control over anything except that. Here is where I've come to realize the depth of my disordered eating. I know it might sound depressing but actually I'm celebrating it (as sick as it is, and I don't suggest anyone go down my path), it makes me happy to have my own little secret, my own fountain of control I can draw strength from.
And to all you beautiful ladies, I am still catching up on all your blogs posting where I can.
Well I have to go to my next therapy, it's drawing. They read us a story then give us a theme and we have to draw to it and then discuss what we drew. It's pretty awesome aside from my sucky drawing skills!!!
Stay Strong!!!
MUAH (x2938539856)
i guess this post is longer than I thought no proof reading please excuse, but I know you guys love me.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Greetings from the Loony Bin
Well emotionally I'm doing good, however me and my weight....another issue. I've gained weight since I've came here (6.6lbs, 3kg). I am not happy about that but most of that was from night time munchies thanks to the antidepressant they give me at night for sleeping. However I'm now on something else and Ana, Mia and I are getting along again.
It's pretty easy to skip meals, especially me being a vegan and hospital food sucking ass. Overcooked veggies every day. My mom brought me tofu and other snacks so I do have some nourishment. I wouldn't mind going without it though. It's hard to let Mia take reign over here (which I guess is a good thing considering the health effects), since I have a roommate and the bathroom walls are thin. However when I do have the opportunity, it's on.
There is actually a girly here trying to recover from Mia and she knows about my disordered eating habits but she's cool with it (well cool maybe not but she isn't going to tell). For me it's a control issue, for her it's self harm instead of cutting.
I made friends here, which is freaking awesome Mia-girly being one of them. I know it's crazy go to the loony bin and make friends. I actually like it here and I reached a point where I now miss my mini-me and I want her back, which to me is the best sign ever. Plus she's missing me too.
I don't know when I'll play catch-up with your blogs because I don't get much private time on here and I'm trying to update so I promise I'll catch-up on all your blogs and comment.
I love you guys and you won't believe how much I've missed you and your support and strength!!!
MUAH MUAH MUAH MUAH MUAH (x294875968723598463983764)
EDIT: Still vegan, and how crazy is it that right now I'm sitting in a common room on my laptop indulging in my disordered eating and how much I'm loving it?
Yeah I'm in the right place LMAO
It's pretty easy to skip meals, especially me being a vegan and hospital food sucking ass. Overcooked veggies every day. My mom brought me tofu and other snacks so I do have some nourishment. I wouldn't mind going without it though. It's hard to let Mia take reign over here (which I guess is a good thing considering the health effects), since I have a roommate and the bathroom walls are thin. However when I do have the opportunity, it's on.
There is actually a girly here trying to recover from Mia and she knows about my disordered eating habits but she's cool with it (well cool maybe not but she isn't going to tell). For me it's a control issue, for her it's self harm instead of cutting.
I made friends here, which is freaking awesome Mia-girly being one of them. I know it's crazy go to the loony bin and make friends. I actually like it here and I reached a point where I now miss my mini-me and I want her back, which to me is the best sign ever. Plus she's missing me too.
I don't know when I'll play catch-up with your blogs because I don't get much private time on here and I'm trying to update so I promise I'll catch-up on all your blogs and comment.
I love you guys and you won't believe how much I've missed you and your support and strength!!!
MUAH MUAH MUAH MUAH MUAH (x294875968723598463983764)
EDIT: Still vegan, and how crazy is it that right now I'm sitting in a common room on my laptop indulging in my disordered eating and how much I'm loving it?
Yeah I'm in the right place LMAO
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