The Aftermath....

First of THANK YOU Lola and Emily (yeah avoiding subjects and convos I am good at that too) for your encouraging words, they truly helped. I feel so much more at home on this blog than in real life. People actually understand me and don't judge for the points that I loathe myself for. THANK YOU everyone who's commented and is following and reading.

So the moment you've all been waiting for:

all my anxiety was for absolutely nothing. it went perfect and better than expected. since this conversation was mostly me and fahja I was so scared but he was amazing. i have a new found respect for him (which i lost a long time ago and yesterday i still couldn't really stand to be around him). He told me that I was not a failure, that I have had achievements (listed them, weight loss one of them[for me not enough]), and that he is proud of me for realizing my problems and trying to deal with them.
They are willing to take her for longer periods once we figure out how exactly to go about it, like if I'll sign guardianship over so they can put her in day care and stuff. My mother is taking her Wednesday all day, they'll take her Easter and then for sure weekend after next because I have a class reunion for trade school which I'm dreading because it's going to be a lot of drinking and that's calories and in order for me not to have a vomiting episode, I'll have to eat something really greasy. Ughhh...if anybody else has to eat before they drink any low cal tips? I know my weight will go up so I'm trying to loose as much as possible before then.
I did really well today even though it was treats, treats, treats.
We went to Starbucks to have "the Talk"
I had a Chai Tea Latte with soy milk, and half a piece of marble cake I shared with mini-me. I had to keep up appearances my mom is somewhat suspicious she always tells me "Just take it slow, don't overdo it." But I told them I'm considering becoming Vegan, so I'm leaving animal products out of my diet as much as possible. Yeah I know, skip the whole vegetarian part but I'm already pretty much doing that already since I eat Tofu everyday instead of adding chicken or something. I've become a Tofu freak. I love that stuff plain and cold straight outta the fridge. It's crazy I guess. Also it fills me up so much....mhmmmm. Hey maybe I'll make me a Tofu-something before I go out, but it's not really greasy. Maybe I'll just risk being the drunk fool. Ha ha.

Anyway my day has been AWESOME!!!! I even got a Alice in Wonderland shirt with His Hotness Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter on it. Paid for by my parentals.
I won't beat myself up about the cake because I deserve it.
I know now the hard part starts once they take her. I'm going to have to face myself. Give me strength, whatever Powers may be.

Calorie Intake:
Tea-170
1/2 pc. marble cake- 175
Total: 345 cals

I feel so good!!! I'm going to maybe drink some tea but 2 calories a cup will be fine.

I'd rather die from lung cancer, than be fat

Once again not weight related...

Wow i'm really turning this into my private blog. at first i was super careful not to divulge to much but i don't know, guess i've gotten comfortable...

well today is the big talk with both parentals on my personal issues. it's going to be extremely emotional, i know i will be crying and so will my mom. my fahja will probably throw all my past mistakes in my face.

am i the only one who rehearses what she will say? i'm not even going to lie, well except the pot smoking they know about the past but i'll let them know i'm very tempted. it's close enough. anyway back to the rehearsing, when it's something so extremely deep and i have to open up a side of me that i loathe i go over it in my mind over and over.

i am terrified of this afternoon. explaining my deepest feelings to two people who cannot understand and one of them i have lost any respect for. damn fuck this afternoon. but i know it's part of the process. but if they can help me with mini-me then she wouldn't have to be out of the family. plus she loves her grandpa so much it might be good for her to have a man around her.

hmmm...maybe i can offer to take their pooch for them while they have her. a dog could help get my ass out of the house to exercise...

we shall see. i'll probably blog tonight, well if i have the energy.

apparently i look good but sick.
a friend came to visit and she was like OMG you look so good you've gotten so small look at your waist bla bla (i still feel that i'm way to fat but maybe she sees the difference from the beginning of my journey?). and later after she left and we were on the phone she was like, your skin is so pale it doesn't look good anymore (i'm half black so i do naturally have a bit of color), and the bags under your eyes are HUGE and dark.

well if it comes from the extreme restriction at least right now i can push it off on depression, stress, and insomnia...

back again

EDIT: this is what i meant to say before the rest, I changed my name from Chick (so unpersonal) to Dylphe...I just like the sound of that name it holds no spectacular meaning...so now to the post:

i will step on the scale in a minute i've been avoiding posting my weight, which is not as low as I want it just out of plain frustration with myself.
i can't keep a liquid fast going for shit, mini-me's dinner is just such a temptation. i just need to throw everything away that's not consumed by her.


about my meltdown yesterday...it's been a long time coming. if i do decide to do this, which i think is a good choice potential (but first i need to get info to make sure), i'll probably go into therapy, i need it but i'm just afraid that somehow we'll touch on my eating and yeah...big fear but i have other issues i must confront so regardless of the way it goes, i should probably get therapy.

ok i'm now going to weigh myself
b
r
b
82.5 kg, i'll take care of switching to pounds later but i gained from my goal again oh yaay (feel the sarcasm burn)
anyway i haven't slept in 24 hours so i might as well make my tea and mini-mes breakfast since she'll probably be up soon.
maybe i can nap during her nap...i doubt it though i'll probably have that retarded sleep-deprived high where i can't sleep