long overdue update (this ones for you lola (^_^))

warning a big jumble
so my mom is completely drunk and this is the only place i can post it. it's funny because now i see where my drunk antics come from the whole I love everyone thing. however it worries me. I hope she doesn't turn into an alcoholic because i have the slight suspicion she's drinking due to stress and lately she's been drinking more often and by herself. she also just smoked my cig away from me...and she's been a non smoker since the past 12 years now. hmmm...
well onto me...
i'm currently moving into my new place as of tomorrow i'll be sleeping there. it's been stressful. i've been tired. i haven't taken my meds in a while now and i need to because i'm not feeling any emotion towards my mini me lately. which scares me because it's like i'm returning to the person i was before i got into the hospital and started therapy. it's also scary because i don't know if it's the meds that make me love her or the chemical imbalance gets fixed with the meds and just allows me to be normal and who I really am. i just don't know. it's scary and worrying me. i once again feel like things aren't moving forward as they should. i don't know if it's just my impatience.
i might have a day care spot but it's a catholic day care, which would be ok if it wasn't for my mom and my grandparents who are die hard "freethinkers" (their way of saying atheist) and yelling at me and telling me how i should not do that to my child and dumb her down etc. so freaking stressful and it's not even definite if she'll go there since it's just a half-day daycare and i'd rather have her in a full day daycare so i can start working full time.
oh god here comes my drunk mother getting another cigarette. she is really drunk hopefully i can get sleep tonight. at least she's on the phone with a good friend who'll hopefully talk some sense into her.
i'm happy to move into my place tomorrow however it's far from complete, i don't have a kitchen yet and i haven't gotten the money from the welfare department for it yet which sucks ass cheeks. i don't care about me since once i move i can starve and purge in peace once more which i really need to do anyway because i'm a fatass still floating around 77kg. which i know once i start drinking more i'll lose some of that because i've been pretty bad with that lately. we all know drinking is the #1 rule to dropping weight. however i need to be able to feed my kid and all i have is an electric wok, a microwave, a water boiler, a toaster and a coffee maker. so bothersome. sorry mini me.
purging...haven't done it to much lately except when i was moving into my new apartment and was there by myself unpacking boxes and let me tell you my toilet sucks, that bowl is so shallow i have to clean clean the toilet everytime because food just splatters everywhere, i know gross but it's just a fact of my life. maybe i'll take a picture for you guys of the toilet so you know what not to get should you ever choose to buy one for some unknown reason lol.
(my mom just came in again she smells like an alky bum)
i hope i can update more often now that i'm moving because i just need the privacy but my internet isn't on at my new place so i'll have to use my phone which kinda sucks because it'll take forever to post and whatnot. also i hope to catch up on all the blogs i'm following because i haven't. i've been a bad blogger and follower. I deserve a spanking...wait i might like that...i deserve punishment lol.
i have so many things to update but i can't seem to think of them right now i'll need to take notes throughout the day when i think of something so i can post.
lately i've been craving weed. i'm even dreaming about it. i just want a j. however i know if i smoke i can't keep it at the just having fun level. i'd eventually start smoking on a regular basis and turn into the same person i was before april. i can't do that.
i feel like my life is out of control right now. i can't control my weight or the things around me. my mother is being a control freak about everything as well. i keep telling myself once i'm moved out i'll be ok. everything will fall into place but somehow i lack any kind of hope for that. sometimes i just wish i was in a fatal car crash or shot in a mugging. i know most people would say kill yourself but call it being a pussy i feel like i can't do that because of mini me. i want to be there for her but at the same time i don't want to be here. i just want to control my life again. i want to actually enjoy it. i want to be the skinny bitch i should be. i feel like until i'm at my ultimate weight i can't find happiness. and i'm hating myself for not getting there and not having the control to get there.
i found a new fave band (called LuLu) and the lead singer is hotness...underweight hotness at that i calculated his bmi (thank you japanese bands for posting your artists heights and weights) it's 15.7(112.4lbs[51kg] at 5'9[181cm]), it kind of makes me want to strive for that bmi. i know it's unhealthy and so far away but it's so beautiful. here's pics so you can see him:





oh yeah i love me some men in makeup. well who said i'm normal (^_^)
it's funny when i first started loosing weight and before i started loosing i was anti-bones in the sense that i didn't want them poking out but over time i found them pleasing to the eye and beautiful. tastes can change eh?
well i'm ready from my bones to show i hope after tonight i can finally know what it's like to feel hungry again. god i'm craving weed right now.
well i'll try to update as much as i possibly can while i don't have internet at my house
ta ta ladies and gents (if any are reading)
Stay Strong
MUAH

writing just a quick update.
i'm currently in the process of moving from my one bdrm to a two. i'm super excited of not having to sleep in the livingroom anymore but until i'm done moving i'm still at my parents since my place os devoid of a kitchen and the new apartment as well and it has to be painted.
anyway i've almost reached 80kg again and i can't seem to control eating also partially because my mom is constantly on my ass wanting to eat out and i can't even use the excuse i ate earlier or anything because she's always there and if i say i don't feel well it has got to be because i'm not eating. can't wait to move oh and i'll probably update my twitter more than here because of time and stuff so feel free to check my page amyway since i got the thingy. oh o have another follower it might take a while but i'll try to read your blog.
stay strong
MUAH

vegan no longer an option

and i with that i mean, the other day i ate chicken and i threw up...my body was like WTF bitch what are you putting in me???


this'll be a pretty random post so if you read it thanks!!!

so yeah now since the past weekend (fri to sun morning) was much alcohol and a 2 week late celebration of my birthday with my besty. I paused veganism drank a shitload of vodka red bull and went up from 75kg on saturday to damn near 77 by sunday. and i've been drinking soda. that shit is poison and i'm poisoning myself with it. ughhh!!!!
anyway my plan is to start a fast this week. probably friday since fahja is going down rage for 6 months (woohooo, i know sounds mean but hell i don't even care) on thursday.
I want to finish eating my food that i have, just so it won't go bad and since i'm living with the P.U.s I don't feel like hearing their mouths about wasting food. I feel like such a teenager again, and not the grown ass 24 year old i am. oh well at least I can purge. however i'm getting sick of purging. no i still absolutely adore it but ana in me is like stop using purging for stuffing your face like some people use abortions as a contraceptive. I know it's a really harsh comparison but it's how i'm starting to feel like i'm lacking control because i know if i eat i can purge. that's why i didn't allow myself to purge today or yesterday. i need to feel that punishment on my scale tomorrow. i need my self loathing, and i need to stop being a lazy fat ass. i have weight to loose and i plan on getting to my goal by middle october. that's when there'll be a cosplay convention (i'm an j-nerd) i want to go with my besty and her ass is at like 53Kg (i'm so hating). so i can't be a fat ass anymore. felt fat enough this weekend even though we were some hot bitches...i was just to fat. maybe i'll post pics but i'm not really sure...now back to the point

anyway fast details, i'm hoping for a week. i've done it before i should be able to do it again. this time it'll just be a pretty relaxed liquid diet. 200ml of soy milk (74 cals) a day if I want. Juices, and maybe some pureed fruits if I'm really low energy because of my blood pressure.

Stay Strong
MUAH

P.S. I confessed to my besty about my mia-tendencies. she gave me a good tip (after telling me I need to stop that!!). when you feel hungry imagine the last meal you ate in full detail. the texture how it goes down your throat, how you felt full after etc...by that time you shouldn't be hungry anymore.
i haven't tried it yet but once i start my fast i will

an actual update

so while i was gone much has happened. obviously i got released and such and started the day clinic with which i'm now done. i'm sure i've mentioned that.
i had one crash and burn situation, not so much related to food though.
this happened sometime in june:
one time i came home to my parents home and first thing that happened is that my fahja just yelled at me. about how long my treatment was taking and how hard it was for them to take care of my mini me (puhleeze asshole my mom did most of the work). oh yeah and of course it's my fault that he has high blood pressure. asshole if you'd stop yelling about everything you wouldn't have high blood pressure. well that was a trigger for my mood going hella low. i had to promise my therapist that i wouldn't hurt myself, and would call. well i decided that week i was going to go out and drink and forget my worries (thanks to piss tests no more pot). yes most of you will know that this is a bad idea. drinking for the wrong reason but let's not forget the meds i'm on. BAD IDEA. I drank way too much and made out with this 20 year old kid (not because of his age but because of his behavior). then i disappeared on my friends. i don't remember any of this. then at aobut 4:30 am i call my mother from my house phone and don't say anything. she gets worried comes to my house walks in...nobody there, then all of a sudden she hears something out in the hall and it's me in bra and underwear coming down the steps talking about how cold it is. yeah funny in retrospect but damn and i don't remember any of this. well i talked to my friend and he talked to the guys (they are sorta friends of ours) and i actually went and had sex with the kid in the bushes and in between the buses. oh yeah BAD FUCKING IDEA to drink on meds. of course my fahja didn't let me live that one down. so here comes the yelling from him once more. i did fess up to my therapist though.

i swore never to drink again...that didn't last. weekend before last similar thing except this time i went home with a random stranger lost my madonna piercing during sex and went home. yeah apparently i turn into a slut but if i'm perfectly honest i don't feel bad about the sex in general just the first time with that kid because usually guys can't be friends after having sex...at least that's what i've noticed from friends in the past who are now no longer my friends anymore. oh well i can live with it. but its been turbulent. i'm just glad next weekend i'm going out with my best friend. which is going to be freaking awesome!!!

i didn't purge today or rather couldn't i didn't get one bit of privacy since fahja decided to work near my bathroom all day. on the bright side all i ate today was two tomatoes and some potatoes with soy butter and salt. so i didn't do to bad on the eating. now i do have privacy and i'm feeling hungry however i don't even know if i'll find anything vegan in the kitchen. but this i could purge so yeah i'll have to see.
does anyone else eat sometimes just to purge? i actually enjoy it...i know how bad it is but it's my new drug of choice

my weight is down from yesterday. i'm now 166.9 lbs (75.7kg) oh yeah go me. i must keep loosing my goal is getting closer and i'm motivated once more. i think i'm going to read a book now and play some more catch up on your blogs tomorrow!

Stay strong
MUAH

My Dietry Religion

Ana and Mia are my goddesses.
My toilet is their temple,
And where my sins are confessed.
My scale is their justice.
Sinning leads to gain,
Good worship shows a loss.
They don't ask me for much...
They ask for nothing, that's all.
They light my way to perfection,
Which others may see as destruction.
Regardless of it being right or wrong
My faith in my goddesses stays strong!

I know I'm not a poet but this came to me so I figured I'd post it.

Well ladies finally I am back home. My home that is (I was at my parents during the week and on weekends I'll be staying there with my Mini-Me because I still have to do the day clinic). With privacy to write and catch up. This week I'll be busy catching up on all you beauties blogs. I've missed you and thought of you every day. Yeah that may sound sad but hey I'm addicted to you guys.
How have I been doing?
Pretty good. Except tired. I think my body is finally getting used to the Seroquel. I don't know if it's that or the fact that everything I eat I purge. With the exception of the last two days. I've had a cold and decided to trick my body into thinking it's going to get nourishment again. Today I've been purging again and it's funny but after I purge I feel so full, like I still have the food in me. I know it's not good for my body, I'm feeling the effects, but I love my scale right now, everyday it's been a small loss. I'm currently at 169.3lbs (76.8Kg). I was the only one loosing weight in the loony bin because even if the food was halfway decent that I got as my Vegan meal I purged it. And I felt better for it.
I have so many things I wanted to write but they aren't coming to me right now. I'm going to do the Sunshine Awards tomorrow after I get home, which are sooooooo past due. I apologize but I'll have time then. I'm sorry if I'm giving them to people that have already gotten them, don't feel like you gotta repost them again.
Love you guys
Stay Strong
MUAH

quick post

well in the common room not much privacy my roommate is having her meeting with her therapist in our room. I got kicked out...lol
well i don't know if it's the meds or the additional (th)inspiration I get from you guys again but i have no appetite and my food doesn't even want to stay down. It's like ana is sitting on one shoulder keeping me from eating, and mia on my other urging me to offer the little i do take in to the Porcelain God.
I need to remember to use my banana hair clip to induce purging because my knuckle is starting to stay red. I'm still good it's normal now.
It's kind of funny I had activity therapy today and at the end we were supposed to relax my first thought was hmmm how can i get around eating lunch. which right now everyone is still joking about how i take like 2 bites and throw the rest away but if it keeps going like this...I'm really going to have to figure something out. They watch me. Not the caretakers or doctors but my fellow patients. And unlike Mia-Girly, I can't come out about my eating because I honestly don't want help for it. Not yet, maybe not ever. I've also come to the realization 117lbs is probably not going to be enough. I want my ribs out, I want my hip bones jutting out ready to slice, I want my sternum visible, I want dainty wrists, I want my spine visible and I want my shoulder blades out. At first it wasn't like that but now when I stretch up I can see like 4 ribs on each side and I'm LOVING the sight of them. It's proof of results. I've also lost some weight once again, awesome. I want to feel extreme hunger again. I want to know what that empty starving feeling in my stomach feels like again. They feed us so often here that there's no time to get hungry between meals. Right now I'm sticking with the excuse I only eat when I'm hungry and I'm just not hungry. Sorry!!! but not really.
It's like the better I get with my social anxiety and depression the more I turn to my one point of control. Over here it's really overwhelming because you put so much trust into the doctors, staff, and patients that I feel like I don't have control over anything except that. Here is where I've come to realize the depth of my disordered eating. I know it might sound depressing but actually I'm celebrating it (as sick as it is, and I don't suggest anyone go down my path), it makes me happy to have my own little secret, my own fountain of control I can draw strength from.

And to all you beautiful ladies, I am still catching up on all your blogs posting where I can.
Well I have to go to my next therapy, it's drawing. They read us a story then give us a theme and we have to draw to it and then discuss what we drew. It's pretty awesome aside from my sucky drawing skills!!!
Stay Strong!!!
MUAH (x2938539856)
i guess this post is longer than I thought no proof reading please excuse, but I know you guys love me.

Greetings from the Loony Bin

Well emotionally I'm doing good, however me and my weight....another issue. I've gained weight since I've came here (6.6lbs, 3kg). I am not happy about that but most of that was from night time munchies thanks to the antidepressant they give me at night for sleeping. However I'm now on something else and Ana, Mia and I are getting along again.
It's pretty easy to skip meals, especially me being a vegan and hospital food sucking ass. Overcooked veggies every day. My mom brought me tofu and other snacks so I do have some nourishment. I wouldn't mind going without it though. It's hard to let Mia take reign over here (which I guess is a good thing considering the health effects), since I have a roommate and the bathroom walls are thin. However when I do have the opportunity, it's on.
There is actually a girly here trying to recover from Mia and she knows about my disordered eating habits but she's cool with it (well cool maybe not but she isn't going to tell). For me it's a control issue, for her it's self harm instead of cutting.
I made friends here, which is freaking awesome Mia-girly being one of them. I know it's crazy go to the loony bin and make friends. I actually like it here and I reached a point where I now miss my mini-me and I want her back, which to me is the best sign ever. Plus she's missing me too.
I don't know when I'll play catch-up with your blogs because I don't get much private time on here and I'm trying to update so I promise I'll catch-up on all your blogs and comment.
I love you guys and you won't believe how much I've missed you and your support and strength!!!
MUAH MUAH MUAH MUAH MUAH (x294875968723598463983764)

EDIT: Still vegan, and how crazy is it that right now I'm sitting in a common room on my laptop indulging in my disordered eating and how much I'm loving it?
Yeah I'm in the right place LMAO

Weigh In

Well I weighed myself twice today, once at around 6:30am and I weighed 171.08lbs (77.6kg) and I stepped on and off multiple times yeah one time it was 171.3lbs (77.7kg), then I weighed myself just now and I didn't eat or drink in between and my weight was 170.4lbs(77.3kg). I'm just going with 171.08lbs (77.6kg).
That makes me happy.
Yesterday I did eat tofu and noodles. I did good and threw mini-me's food away after she was in bed even though I did a few pieces of her tofu, but it's tofu I won't feel guilty. Before I went to bed I drank a glass of water with the juice of 1 lemon. I know the tip in the other post says two lemons but that's a lotta damn lemon juice, so I just went with one.
Last night my street pharmacist supplied me once more with the most wonderful plant and I'm getting a bit more positive. As far as my almost nervous break down and needing me time, I'm supposed to talk to the parentals on sunday. My mom spazzed the fuck out about my idea and is all of a sudden saying if it's that serious she'll help and take her for an extended time. That's so funny when I'm about to loose my fucking mind she can help but when I needed it before it was a struggle to convince the parentals. Grandkids are great, the best...until they through a tantrum. In january I was invited to a Bachelorette party and my fahja basically had my mom call me while I was out to tell me he'll never take her overnight again. (I know that was a long tangent...)
Anyway we'll see how it goes, I might go into that whole issue after I figure out what the hell is going on...