so i have to get mini-me ready
but i've gained weight and i'm not surprised i'm at 72.5kg today but that's as i've said dehydration and all the b/p and my purging not working like it should which means i'll have to take a break. which on one side is a very good thing.
i have more followers which i haven't acknowledged yet, thank you so much for finding what i write interesting.
well longer post later doing shopping today, since i fail at fasts i'll try to do SGD with Enid
Stay strong
MUAH
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
vlogged once more
so i finally vlogged again
i think i had lots to say but the damn drama with the uploading made me space it
oh and tomorrow is the big day PF is getting her shiznit back and than i'm done with that
lot's of shopping tomorrow (groceries, undershirts for mini-me, stuff that will randomly get added to my list ^_^)
i think i had lots to say but the damn drama with the uploading made me space it
oh and tomorrow is the big day PF is getting her shiznit back and than i'm done with that
lot's of shopping tomorrow (groceries, undershirts for mini-me, stuff that will randomly get added to my list ^_^)
Saturday, February 26, 2011
for all my fellow anime nerds and nerdettes
ok i don't know if you guys watch your anime subtitled to (i hate dubbed) but i thought this was funny as hell
http://looneyfun.com/priceless-anime-subtitle-foolery/
http://looneyfun.com/priceless-anime-subtitle-foolery/
i love it when captchas read like real words but they aren't...they have potential
so finally i'm caught up completely...ok with the exception of Lou i'm letting your friday vlogs load right now because my laptop sucks i have to load videos all the way or they sound like skipping cds.
anyway so today is a fucking great motherfucking day. and that is not sarcastic. technically what happened today should be the most triggering shit ever but i feel light. first let me explain what happened.
PF (is that what we decided to call this chick? the one i had the egg white drama today) anyway last night she came over and spent the night. this morning she leaves goes to the bakery and comes back. i'm a grouch in the morning i'll admit but i wasn't giving her any 'tude or anything. so anyway she decided to also buy bread for mini-me. I told her i'd make it for her and then PF is like no i'll make she wants me to make it. Fine with me. She always uses the plates for this one coffee set when she comes over and i asked her why not use the regular plates (they are bigger) and she's like "because i want to". i'm thinking to myself ok fine it was a simple question but whatever. then she's like i'm going home i don't have to deal with this shit and goes on about something on how i'm treating her crappy or something or other. i'm asking what the hell did i do. "you wouldn't get it if i told you" so by this time i'm sitting on the couch with mini-me cuddling. and she's packing up her stuff. going on and on about this and that which to be honest i'm tuning out. then she starts doing her hair and starts fussing about her hair tye which she can't find. "i'm not leaving until i find my hair tie every time i come over i can't ever find my hair ties they always disappear at your house. so i get up start straightening up in the living room. yelling back at her (at this point my whole body is shaking with anger and yes excitement) that i don't have her fucking hair tie how should i know where she put it i haven't moved it and i don't fucking want them because my hair's not even fucking long enough for hair ties. the only one's i have are from mini me and they are pink, purple, white with bows. now she's going on how she doesn't have to take this treatment because i should know she has mother issues blah blah. (i'll do the reflection afterwards). so then i'm onto straightening out couch pillows guess what's laying on the couch (not the table) her hair tie. so i give it to her telling her it's on the couch. "oh i'm sorry for all that" but basically she finishes her hair and then just leaves.
why am i happy after something that should have triggered me? because this means getting someone like that who blows up over shit no other person can understand but her out of my life. i'm seriously through with her. i told her before i don't argue with my friends that's middle/high school shit i left behind when i graduated. i hate confrontation and my friends are people who take me for me and i take them for them and that's that. i guess after she got home she called and i didn't answer i was still shaky at this point but a good shaky a damn i feel good shaky. i got mini-me and myself dressed and went to do the shopping i was supposed to do together with her.
honestly i'm tired of her shit that's another reason i'm through. her excuse of why she treats people the way she does is that her childhood was hard. well you know what i'm tired of people using their past as an excuse. i may not have had the same childhood but i didn't have the most rosy past either and i'm not walking around teaching people like shit. it's an old excuse and not good enough one to excuse her treating me like a doormat. some of her shit is still here like the laundry i washed at my house for her. i packed all the dry stuff up. all the stuff that's still drying will be packed up and she can have that shit on monday if she calls again i'll say i'll meet her somewhere downtown and then that's it. i'll also tell her that i don't deal with that shit and just like i wrote up top. i'll tell her i feel bad for her that her past was shitty but it's time to move on and i refuse to deal with that or be yelled at not even knowing why. i can't handle that and in this case i just have to be selfish and think of myself first.
here's the part that's kind of funny i asked from the universe for ending this friendship as it is. i mean fucking egg whites last week and this week i don't even know. i'm writing this with a slight upturn of the corners of my mouth. anyway this just reminds me of that quote "some people come into your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime"she was definitely not a lifetime. i feel like you guys are def better friends than her. which brings me to another point. her being out of my life means more time with you guys. i can return to my hermitness and not feel quilty. i prefer the occasional meetings anyway, not every fucking day.
she left part of a j here and told me to throw it away and i think i'll do just that. i'm tempted to smoke it but i think i'll feel a lot better if i toss it because i know she's going to think i smoked it but i know i didn't. bam i'm finished.
so let's talk about food. i've been b/ping a lot and not really loosing weight this morning i was at 157.2lbs(71.3kg). basically just maintaining. i think a lot has to do with the fact that i'm super dehydrated because i've been drinking like a cup of coffee and that's it. with the exception of binging but that goes out with the purge anyway so it doesn't count. i'm going to try not eating solids for the rest of the day. i'm not going to promise but i'm damn well going to try.
oh and almost forgot to mention about the arguement. the bitch told me something about "you need to eat something" me "i don't need to fucking eat if i don't want to"
i hate when people do that honestly get off of my eating habits just because your emotions are controlled by the food you eat. yeah you may be loosing weight but that's how you do it not me. i'd love to say it's jealousy because it'll make me feel better but i think she just has an issue with the fact that i have my own way and it's not hers. i'm so done with the bullshit. but at least i feel motivated as fuck. after dropping her stuff off to her next week it'll be time to delete her off facebook and all other social networking sites.
i may not have many physical friends here where i live but i'd rather deal with randomly seeing my friends than putting up with someone like that for company.
which speaking of you guys if you'd like e-mail me your birthday and address because i'd love to send you guys something because maybe i'm sentimental because of this morning but seriously how i feel in this community is basically you've got my back and
my e-mail is wantabethinsoon[at]hotmail.com
anyway so today is a fucking great motherfucking day. and that is not sarcastic. technically what happened today should be the most triggering shit ever but i feel light. first let me explain what happened.
PF (is that what we decided to call this chick? the one i had the egg white drama today) anyway last night she came over and spent the night. this morning she leaves goes to the bakery and comes back. i'm a grouch in the morning i'll admit but i wasn't giving her any 'tude or anything. so anyway she decided to also buy bread for mini-me. I told her i'd make it for her and then PF is like no i'll make she wants me to make it. Fine with me. She always uses the plates for this one coffee set when she comes over and i asked her why not use the regular plates (they are bigger) and she's like "because i want to". i'm thinking to myself ok fine it was a simple question but whatever. then she's like i'm going home i don't have to deal with this shit and goes on about something on how i'm treating her crappy or something or other. i'm asking what the hell did i do. "you wouldn't get it if i told you" so by this time i'm sitting on the couch with mini-me cuddling. and she's packing up her stuff. going on and on about this and that which to be honest i'm tuning out. then she starts doing her hair and starts fussing about her hair tye which she can't find. "i'm not leaving until i find my hair tie every time i come over i can't ever find my hair ties they always disappear at your house. so i get up start straightening up in the living room. yelling back at her (at this point my whole body is shaking with anger and yes excitement) that i don't have her fucking hair tie how should i know where she put it i haven't moved it and i don't fucking want them because my hair's not even fucking long enough for hair ties. the only one's i have are from mini me and they are pink, purple, white with bows. now she's going on how she doesn't have to take this treatment because i should know she has mother issues blah blah. (i'll do the reflection afterwards). so then i'm onto straightening out couch pillows guess what's laying on the couch (not the table) her hair tie. so i give it to her telling her it's on the couch. "oh i'm sorry for all that" but basically she finishes her hair and then just leaves.
why am i happy after something that should have triggered me? because this means getting someone like that who blows up over shit no other person can understand but her out of my life. i'm seriously through with her. i told her before i don't argue with my friends that's middle/high school shit i left behind when i graduated. i hate confrontation and my friends are people who take me for me and i take them for them and that's that. i guess after she got home she called and i didn't answer i was still shaky at this point but a good shaky a damn i feel good shaky. i got mini-me and myself dressed and went to do the shopping i was supposed to do together with her.
honestly i'm tired of her shit that's another reason i'm through. her excuse of why she treats people the way she does is that her childhood was hard. well you know what i'm tired of people using their past as an excuse. i may not have had the same childhood but i didn't have the most rosy past either and i'm not walking around teaching people like shit. it's an old excuse and not good enough one to excuse her treating me like a doormat. some of her shit is still here like the laundry i washed at my house for her. i packed all the dry stuff up. all the stuff that's still drying will be packed up and she can have that shit on monday if she calls again i'll say i'll meet her somewhere downtown and then that's it. i'll also tell her that i don't deal with that shit and just like i wrote up top. i'll tell her i feel bad for her that her past was shitty but it's time to move on and i refuse to deal with that or be yelled at not even knowing why. i can't handle that and in this case i just have to be selfish and think of myself first.
here's the part that's kind of funny i asked from the universe for ending this friendship as it is. i mean fucking egg whites last week and this week i don't even know. i'm writing this with a slight upturn of the corners of my mouth. anyway this just reminds me of that quote "some people come into your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime"she was definitely not a lifetime. i feel like you guys are def better friends than her. which brings me to another point. her being out of my life means more time with you guys. i can return to my hermitness and not feel quilty. i prefer the occasional meetings anyway, not every fucking day.
she left part of a j here and told me to throw it away and i think i'll do just that. i'm tempted to smoke it but i think i'll feel a lot better if i toss it because i know she's going to think i smoked it but i know i didn't. bam i'm finished.
so let's talk about food. i've been b/ping a lot and not really loosing weight this morning i was at 157.2lbs(71.3kg). basically just maintaining. i think a lot has to do with the fact that i'm super dehydrated because i've been drinking like a cup of coffee and that's it. with the exception of binging but that goes out with the purge anyway so it doesn't count. i'm going to try not eating solids for the rest of the day. i'm not going to promise but i'm damn well going to try.
oh and almost forgot to mention about the arguement. the bitch told me something about "you need to eat something" me "i don't need to fucking eat if i don't want to"
i hate when people do that honestly get off of my eating habits just because your emotions are controlled by the food you eat. yeah you may be loosing weight but that's how you do it not me. i'd love to say it's jealousy because it'll make me feel better but i think she just has an issue with the fact that i have my own way and it's not hers. i'm so done with the bullshit. but at least i feel motivated as fuck. after dropping her stuff off to her next week it'll be time to delete her off facebook and all other social networking sites.
i may not have many physical friends here where i live but i'd rather deal with randomly seeing my friends than putting up with someone like that for company.
which speaking of you guys if you'd like e-mail me your birthday and address because i'd love to send you guys something because maybe i'm sentimental because of this morning but seriously how i feel in this community is basically you've got my back and
my e-mail is wantabethinsoon[at]hotmail.com
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Rediscovered Song
I was playing my music randomly in Itunes today and this song came on:
I forgot how much i love this song these are the lyrics:
As I was walking through a life one morning
the sun was out, the air was warm, but
Oh, I was cold
And though I must have looked half a person,
to tell the tale, in my own version,
It was only then that I felt whole
Do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it
Fighting for the smallest goal: to get a little self-control
I know how hard you try. I see it in your eyes
But call your friends, 'cause we've forgotten what it's like to eat what's rotten
And what's eating you alive might help you to survive.
We went on as we were on a mission, latest in a Grand Tradition
And oh, what did we find?
It was Ego who was flying the banner, and me and Mia, Ann and Ana
Oh, we'd been unkind
But do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it
Fighting for the smallest goal: to get a little self-control
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your spine.
But call your friends,
'cause we've forgotten what it's like to eat what's rotten
And what's eating you alive, might help you to survive.
And even the nights, they could get better
And even the days ain't all that bad
And after a week of fighting, as more and more it seems the right thing
But do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it
Fighting for the smallest goal: to gain a little self-control
Won't anybody here just let you disappear?
Not doctors, nor your mom and dad, but me and Mia, Ann and Ana
Know how hard you try. Don't you see it in my eyes?
Sick to death of my dependence, fighting food to find transcendence
Fighting to survive, more dead but more alive
Cigarettes and speed for livin', and sleeping pills to feel forgiven
All that you contrive, and all that you're deprived
All the bourgeois social angels telling you you've got to change
Don't have any idea. They'll never see so clear.
But don't forget what it really means to hunger strike
when you don't really need to
Some are dying for a cause, but that don't make it yours.
And even the nights, they could get better.
I forgot how much i love this song these are the lyrics:
As I was walking through a life one morning
the sun was out, the air was warm, but
Oh, I was cold
And though I must have looked half a person,
to tell the tale, in my own version,
It was only then that I felt whole
Do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it
Fighting for the smallest goal: to get a little self-control
I know how hard you try. I see it in your eyes
But call your friends, 'cause we've forgotten what it's like to eat what's rotten
And what's eating you alive might help you to survive.
We went on as we were on a mission, latest in a Grand Tradition
And oh, what did we find?
It was Ego who was flying the banner, and me and Mia, Ann and Ana
Oh, we'd been unkind
But do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it
Fighting for the smallest goal: to get a little self-control
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your spine.
But call your friends,
'cause we've forgotten what it's like to eat what's rotten
And what's eating you alive, might help you to survive.
And even the nights, they could get better
And even the days ain't all that bad
And after a week of fighting, as more and more it seems the right thing
But do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it
Fighting for the smallest goal: to gain a little self-control
Won't anybody here just let you disappear?
Not doctors, nor your mom and dad, but me and Mia, Ann and Ana
Know how hard you try. Don't you see it in my eyes?
Sick to death of my dependence, fighting food to find transcendence
Fighting to survive, more dead but more alive
Cigarettes and speed for livin', and sleeping pills to feel forgiven
All that you contrive, and all that you're deprived
All the bourgeois social angels telling you you've got to change
Don't have any idea. They'll never see so clear.
But don't forget what it really means to hunger strike
when you don't really need to
Some are dying for a cause, but that don't make it yours.
And even the nights, they could get better.
man what to do but bow down on my knees with my face flat on the ground
*WARNING RATED NC-17 PARTS FOR SEXUAL AND WHORING CONTENT*
i apologize. and the fact that i'm even writing is already filling me with guilt. on one end i've been wanting to post but on the other end i'm like i haven't even caught up with all your blogs so i don't even deserve to post.
here's the way i'm going about it, i'm going down my subscribed list and alphabetically and starting to read where i last read each blog(i have to do it this way or i go loony one of my little ticks). this is time consuming but it's what i get for not reading. at least it's an enjoyable thing because i love reading your blogs and watching your vlogs. i'm not done yet i'm on your blog Lou which you can just get those skin colored knee-highs out and point the naggy lady finger at me because i deserve it (^_^)
so where do i start. first i should say why i haven't been around. i've been mentally exhausted. i've been doing the runaround meeting people (ok let's keep it real, a friend and my parents) these past two weeks and i know i didn't do much but i'm not used to doing things, before i went into the loony bin i was just at home and then with the move and all i was busy plus i don't know to many people here so it's kinda like woah sensory overload. it's hard leaving a life of hermitness (new word remember that shit) and being around people.
I mean i've been doing ok as far as restricting goes so i can't say to much on that. except yesterday and today but more on that in a bit.
oh warning this could be a rather long post...maybe depends on if i remember everything.
WEIGHT & FOOD
so on my weight i'll post official weight tomorrow but i've been staying in between 70.8 (my lowest ever since i don't know how long middle school?) and 72kg. Yeah i'm ready to get the fuck outta the 70's but i'm going to do it because this summer end of june i plan on being at my UGW or at least no more than 5lbs off so i can be hotness for my birthday (I'll admit now I see it as hotness when I get there it'll more than likely be a different story)
with a small exception i've mostly been eating salad. I also make my own dressing. Some mustard, oil, vinegar, and salt & pepper. It's good low cal and cheap lol.
EXERCISE
not doing so well but i'm walking everywhere i can. and I know Lou gave me an awesome ass pedometer but you think my scatterbrained ass would remember to put it on? no. of course not
DRUGS
I smoke pot only when my friend comes around I think I need to figure out a nickname for her because i'm dealing with her a lot, let's call her hmmm...ok not getting any inspiration dammit. but yeah i'm actually doing good i have thought about buying some but i don't want to act on that urge so i think i'm handling the consumption of it well. Let's call her PF
PARTYING & HOEBAG
so yeah last friday I went out. which i did really well because the first time ever i didn't gain, mainly because i didn't eat anything after returning home or on the way home. usually i get the alcohol munchies and chow the fuck down on something that is never as satisfying as it seems before i put it in my mouth. so i did good there. I had a great time dancing.
Mia-girly invited me out because i have no money so she fronted everything which is awesome but feels weird because usually i'm the one paying for everyone else and it felt kinda good but i do feel somewhat guilty. PF and her current affair were there too. which i was really drunk so i do the bump and grind on my friends which i think is perfectly acceptable among friends. but apparently i kissed her on the neck at some point. so she told me i'm a drunk bisexual ha ha. i like to think i'm just a drunk with hippie tendencies free love and all that. which i don't mind so much being called bisexual but why do we have to label it? same with lesbiens and gays. why label it? because they love someone of the same gender? really are you serious it's love or lust who cares as long as your satisfied with whichever genital you choose right? anyway tangent over now back to the night.
so at some point i started talking to some dude simply because i was kinda feeling 5th weely mia-girly was there with her man and PF with hers. so me and douchebag were talking blah blah sex is great no strings attached. at some point PF left (smart girl saying she was way to drunk, I don't even know when i hit the way to drunk point). Me and mia-girly go off to pee and take shots then we go dance in the house music area and make out on the dance floor (once again perfectly acceptable among friends would have been awkward had her boyfriend been around because he doesn't seem like one of the guys that would be down with his honey making out with anyone else chick or not. Anyway so I don't know to much else that happened but at some point i remember sitting in a cab with the douchebag (probably going to his place for you know what) and a bunch of other people and at some point we stop and everyone is just gone. me having no money on me actually (and mind you i didn't even share the coming part with my bestie) i offered the cabby to have sex with him since i didn't have money. i remember him coming up to my apartment but i don't know if i did anything with him i do remember him suddenly leaving so i don't know if i'm lucky nothing happened but just the fact that i did that wow how low have you sunk dylphe? well then i'm bored still drunk off my ass so i call mia-girly and then she comes over with these two guys. she turns on youtube and shizzle for music is dancing around one guy for her one for me (yeah her and her bf had a fight at the club). i don't mind being wing-woman (i'll explain my attitude towards sex later). well anyway nothing happens with her guy and i tried to have sex with my guy but i wasn't feeling it and he was all small i couldn't get into it, so mia-girly awesome as she is (her guy having left to go to the gas station to get something to drink) kicked my guy out. oh and let's not forget the quick make-out session with her in front of the guys who got upset because they were trying to get laid and we were all into each other ha ha. well then she calls a cab gives me the number for douchebag (in the club the plan was to go to his town one day and party there, drunk people make great plans *eyeroll*) i call him and he has the nerve to say that if i say to him and i quote (translated of course) "I want you to fuck me in the ass, and cum all over my face" then he'd come over. I ended up hanging up because although i may be willing to be a loose woman i have my limits because I choose when to be loose not the guy. Then I went to sleep (by which time it was like 8 something in the morning). At 10 my parentals call to yell at me about the stuff i forgot to pack for mini-me and by 11:10 I was at their house still kinda drunk but putting up a bad ass sober performance.
The funniest thing about this whole thing is I didn't feel trashy or cheap after all of this. Which brings me to my attitude towards sex. it's just sex. it's unimportant i don't feel like it's a big deal i don't think it's this special thing to be treasured and i don't care if i put out. i don't know if i can put my attitude in words so it makes sense. don't get me wrong i'm not out whoring myself (exception of the cabby thing that was a first i swear). i used to be a really good girl but ever since i broke up with my last boyfriend (6 years ago, yes ladies i've been single way to long, and yeah you guessed right my daughter going on 4 is a result of unprotected sex during a one night stand, i might go over this another time when i'm in the mood to wallow in it). i just stopped caring and i kinda have the mentality of a guy in that aspect, especially with one night stands, i don't want to know your name, background, fave food, etc. and when we're done peace out holmes. in that aspect maybe i should have been born with a penis lol
My look for the night:
POSITIVITY & DRAMA
I've been pretty positive actually i've had my down days and moments where i realized how unnecessary my negativity was and I would just say "WOOOHZZZAAAHHH peace be with you homie sorry you're having a shitty day" in my head to whoever had the ability at that moment to piss me the hell off at the moment.
Day before yesterday PF started yelling at me over eggwhites. yes i was involved in an arguement over eggwhites that's the kinda drama i haven't even dealt with since i was in middle and high school.
here's what happened one evening we're talking on the phone and all of a sudden out of no where she starts yelling about how i'd promised to go to this one particular store (similar to sams club you need membership and i have it curtesy of my parents) and buy egg whites with her and i haven't done it all because on that day i was to lazy to go. and this bitch was yelling at me like seriously out of no where one second we're talking about one thing the next she's yelling about egg whites. and that incident with me saying i wanted to stay at home happened 2 weeks ago. and then she goes on and on and i start yelling back how i think it's ridiculous that she's yelling over some fucking egg whites because as many times as she's let me down and as many things as i've done for her that the one time i'm fucking exhausted and need time for me she's yelling at me. oh yeah i was pissed because i don't do drama i'm going on fucking 25 and i may not be as mature as i should be but i am way to grown for drama over fucking ridiculous shit. yeah that shit tore me up, put me in a bad mood, i mean i'm cool with her again because i realize she had a bad day and took it out on me (i forgive easily shit like that) but it still bugged me so that brings me to
B/P
so yesterday morning i was still bothered by the previous evening and i just knew i had to b/p to feel better. which made me really realize how much of a coping mechanism this has become for me. so i got back from dropping mini-me off and i decide i want to binge and purge. so i start my binge and PF calls to apologize about last night once more (she already did but once again) then she keeps me on the phone and i'm like i must purge in my head but i can't think of anything to get her off the phone and then what happens? my social worker lady came by and guess what i didn't get to purge. and all you mias out ther KNOW that this makes it worse. i then have to go meet another friend and her girlfriend because her girlfriends kid is about to start day care (they just moved in together and her girlfriend moved from another town) and they wanted to put me on the list for people who can pick their kid up so when both of their working schedules don't work out with pick up time i go and pick him up which leads to
MONEY
they want to pay me for this between 50-100 euros a month. which i need desperately. i've been absolutely broke this month my cell phone is cut off which is another reason for not reading blogs because i can't check the blogs while i'm out and about neither can i really tweet what i want. I had to pay for so much stuff these past two months that i can't pay bills and can barely buy food for mini-me and stuff. i made it by borrowing money from my moms. however my friend (one with the kid) gave me money which she's taking off the money they want to pay me so that was good and a big help but this just lead back to continuing the part on
B/P
yesterday i ordered a big pizza, chicken wings, and fries and binged and purged, then i ate some bread and a salad and purged that too. so yesterday i purged 2x. but it made me feel better and i was able to be positive again today.
I honestly believe in this positivity thing i mean yeah i have shitty days and stuff but i can pull myself out of them and try to turn it into positive thought, it's not easy but it gets easier each time. I also don't have to pay my mom the money back in cash but in labor which is good because i don't have money at the moment to pay her back with. but i know friday i'll have money again which is why the money thing isn't dragging me down as i normally would have expected.
Tomorrow i'm helping my mom, possibly meeting PF and doing some housework. A chill day.
Tomorrow will be a good day! I tell myself every morning that it'll be a good day and it helps.
Oh and I'm still catching up sorry but trust i'm always thinking about you guys also i found a light purple bracelet so this is what my right arm looks like all the time (never take them off except the big red one when i shower)
so stay strong guys i truly love you all and miss the interaction next week i'll also be on twitter and when i figure out how to get msn messenger on my phone i'll most def be available out and about as well.
MUAH
i apologize. and the fact that i'm even writing is already filling me with guilt. on one end i've been wanting to post but on the other end i'm like i haven't even caught up with all your blogs so i don't even deserve to post.
here's the way i'm going about it, i'm going down my subscribed list and alphabetically and starting to read where i last read each blog(i have to do it this way or i go loony one of my little ticks). this is time consuming but it's what i get for not reading. at least it's an enjoyable thing because i love reading your blogs and watching your vlogs. i'm not done yet i'm on your blog Lou which you can just get those skin colored knee-highs out and point the naggy lady finger at me because i deserve it (^_^)
so where do i start. first i should say why i haven't been around. i've been mentally exhausted. i've been doing the runaround meeting people (ok let's keep it real, a friend and my parents) these past two weeks and i know i didn't do much but i'm not used to doing things, before i went into the loony bin i was just at home and then with the move and all i was busy plus i don't know to many people here so it's kinda like woah sensory overload. it's hard leaving a life of hermitness (new word remember that shit) and being around people.
I mean i've been doing ok as far as restricting goes so i can't say to much on that. except yesterday and today but more on that in a bit.
oh warning this could be a rather long post...maybe depends on if i remember everything.
WEIGHT & FOOD
so on my weight i'll post official weight tomorrow but i've been staying in between 70.8 (my lowest ever since i don't know how long middle school?) and 72kg. Yeah i'm ready to get the fuck outta the 70's but i'm going to do it because this summer end of june i plan on being at my UGW or at least no more than 5lbs off so i can be hotness for my birthday (I'll admit now I see it as hotness when I get there it'll more than likely be a different story)
with a small exception i've mostly been eating salad. I also make my own dressing. Some mustard, oil, vinegar, and salt & pepper. It's good low cal and cheap lol.
EXERCISE
not doing so well but i'm walking everywhere i can. and I know Lou gave me an awesome ass pedometer but you think my scatterbrained ass would remember to put it on? no. of course not
DRUGS
I smoke pot only when my friend comes around I think I need to figure out a nickname for her because i'm dealing with her a lot, let's call her hmmm...ok not getting any inspiration dammit. but yeah i'm actually doing good i have thought about buying some but i don't want to act on that urge so i think i'm handling the consumption of it well. Let's call her PF
PARTYING & HOEBAG
so yeah last friday I went out. which i did really well because the first time ever i didn't gain, mainly because i didn't eat anything after returning home or on the way home. usually i get the alcohol munchies and chow the fuck down on something that is never as satisfying as it seems before i put it in my mouth. so i did good there. I had a great time dancing.
Mia-girly invited me out because i have no money so she fronted everything which is awesome but feels weird because usually i'm the one paying for everyone else and it felt kinda good but i do feel somewhat guilty. PF and her current affair were there too. which i was really drunk so i do the bump and grind on my friends which i think is perfectly acceptable among friends. but apparently i kissed her on the neck at some point. so she told me i'm a drunk bisexual ha ha. i like to think i'm just a drunk with hippie tendencies free love and all that. which i don't mind so much being called bisexual but why do we have to label it? same with lesbiens and gays. why label it? because they love someone of the same gender? really are you serious it's love or lust who cares as long as your satisfied with whichever genital you choose right? anyway tangent over now back to the night.
so at some point i started talking to some dude simply because i was kinda feeling 5th weely mia-girly was there with her man and PF with hers. so me and douchebag were talking blah blah sex is great no strings attached. at some point PF left (smart girl saying she was way to drunk, I don't even know when i hit the way to drunk point). Me and mia-girly go off to pee and take shots then we go dance in the house music area and make out on the dance floor (once again perfectly acceptable among friends would have been awkward had her boyfriend been around because he doesn't seem like one of the guys that would be down with his honey making out with anyone else chick or not. Anyway so I don't know to much else that happened but at some point i remember sitting in a cab with the douchebag (probably going to his place for you know what) and a bunch of other people and at some point we stop and everyone is just gone. me having no money on me actually (and mind you i didn't even share the coming part with my bestie) i offered the cabby to have sex with him since i didn't have money. i remember him coming up to my apartment but i don't know if i did anything with him i do remember him suddenly leaving so i don't know if i'm lucky nothing happened but just the fact that i did that wow how low have you sunk dylphe? well then i'm bored still drunk off my ass so i call mia-girly and then she comes over with these two guys. she turns on youtube and shizzle for music is dancing around one guy for her one for me (yeah her and her bf had a fight at the club). i don't mind being wing-woman (i'll explain my attitude towards sex later). well anyway nothing happens with her guy and i tried to have sex with my guy but i wasn't feeling it and he was all small i couldn't get into it, so mia-girly awesome as she is (her guy having left to go to the gas station to get something to drink) kicked my guy out. oh and let's not forget the quick make-out session with her in front of the guys who got upset because they were trying to get laid and we were all into each other ha ha. well then she calls a cab gives me the number for douchebag (in the club the plan was to go to his town one day and party there, drunk people make great plans *eyeroll*) i call him and he has the nerve to say that if i say to him and i quote (translated of course) "I want you to fuck me in the ass, and cum all over my face" then he'd come over. I ended up hanging up because although i may be willing to be a loose woman i have my limits because I choose when to be loose not the guy. Then I went to sleep (by which time it was like 8 something in the morning). At 10 my parentals call to yell at me about the stuff i forgot to pack for mini-me and by 11:10 I was at their house still kinda drunk but putting up a bad ass sober performance.
The funniest thing about this whole thing is I didn't feel trashy or cheap after all of this. Which brings me to my attitude towards sex. it's just sex. it's unimportant i don't feel like it's a big deal i don't think it's this special thing to be treasured and i don't care if i put out. i don't know if i can put my attitude in words so it makes sense. don't get me wrong i'm not out whoring myself (exception of the cabby thing that was a first i swear). i used to be a really good girl but ever since i broke up with my last boyfriend (6 years ago, yes ladies i've been single way to long, and yeah you guessed right my daughter going on 4 is a result of unprotected sex during a one night stand, i might go over this another time when i'm in the mood to wallow in it). i just stopped caring and i kinda have the mentality of a guy in that aspect, especially with one night stands, i don't want to know your name, background, fave food, etc. and when we're done peace out holmes. in that aspect maybe i should have been born with a penis lol
My look for the night:
POSITIVITY & DRAMA
I've been pretty positive actually i've had my down days and moments where i realized how unnecessary my negativity was and I would just say "WOOOHZZZAAAHHH peace be with you homie sorry you're having a shitty day" in my head to whoever had the ability at that moment to piss me the hell off at the moment.
Day before yesterday PF started yelling at me over eggwhites. yes i was involved in an arguement over eggwhites that's the kinda drama i haven't even dealt with since i was in middle and high school.
here's what happened one evening we're talking on the phone and all of a sudden out of no where she starts yelling about how i'd promised to go to this one particular store (similar to sams club you need membership and i have it curtesy of my parents) and buy egg whites with her and i haven't done it all because on that day i was to lazy to go. and this bitch was yelling at me like seriously out of no where one second we're talking about one thing the next she's yelling about egg whites. and that incident with me saying i wanted to stay at home happened 2 weeks ago. and then she goes on and on and i start yelling back how i think it's ridiculous that she's yelling over some fucking egg whites because as many times as she's let me down and as many things as i've done for her that the one time i'm fucking exhausted and need time for me she's yelling at me. oh yeah i was pissed because i don't do drama i'm going on fucking 25 and i may not be as mature as i should be but i am way to grown for drama over fucking ridiculous shit. yeah that shit tore me up, put me in a bad mood, i mean i'm cool with her again because i realize she had a bad day and took it out on me (i forgive easily shit like that) but it still bugged me so that brings me to
B/P
so yesterday morning i was still bothered by the previous evening and i just knew i had to b/p to feel better. which made me really realize how much of a coping mechanism this has become for me. so i got back from dropping mini-me off and i decide i want to binge and purge. so i start my binge and PF calls to apologize about last night once more (she already did but once again) then she keeps me on the phone and i'm like i must purge in my head but i can't think of anything to get her off the phone and then what happens? my social worker lady came by and guess what i didn't get to purge. and all you mias out ther KNOW that this makes it worse. i then have to go meet another friend and her girlfriend because her girlfriends kid is about to start day care (they just moved in together and her girlfriend moved from another town) and they wanted to put me on the list for people who can pick their kid up so when both of their working schedules don't work out with pick up time i go and pick him up which leads to
MONEY
they want to pay me for this between 50-100 euros a month. which i need desperately. i've been absolutely broke this month my cell phone is cut off which is another reason for not reading blogs because i can't check the blogs while i'm out and about neither can i really tweet what i want. I had to pay for so much stuff these past two months that i can't pay bills and can barely buy food for mini-me and stuff. i made it by borrowing money from my moms. however my friend (one with the kid) gave me money which she's taking off the money they want to pay me so that was good and a big help but this just lead back to continuing the part on
B/P
yesterday i ordered a big pizza, chicken wings, and fries and binged and purged, then i ate some bread and a salad and purged that too. so yesterday i purged 2x. but it made me feel better and i was able to be positive again today.
I honestly believe in this positivity thing i mean yeah i have shitty days and stuff but i can pull myself out of them and try to turn it into positive thought, it's not easy but it gets easier each time. I also don't have to pay my mom the money back in cash but in labor which is good because i don't have money at the moment to pay her back with. but i know friday i'll have money again which is why the money thing isn't dragging me down as i normally would have expected.
Tomorrow i'm helping my mom, possibly meeting PF and doing some housework. A chill day.
Tomorrow will be a good day! I tell myself every morning that it'll be a good day and it helps.
Oh and I'm still catching up sorry but trust i'm always thinking about you guys also i found a light purple bracelet so this is what my right arm looks like all the time (never take them off except the big red one when i shower)
so stay strong guys i truly love you all and miss the interaction next week i'll also be on twitter and when i figure out how to get msn messenger on my phone i'll most def be available out and about as well.
MUAH
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
[insert dramatic music conveying anticipation here]
so before I post what everybody has been anticipating (me as well but I already know) which is my weight this fine morning, I just want to say I have been positive this past week. Of course I've had my moments where I had to remind myself ok stop bitching, but I've been staying pretty positive for which I am very proud of myself. However the only way to get some change is to change yourself so yeah. I must say that this positivity works for me because I felt so much more motivated to restrict and stay active and moving (oh and a cup of coffee with soy milk and a multivitamin and a L-Caritin capsule) so without further ado (and here it comes) I weigh:
158.1lbs (71.7kg)
Oh yeah in ya face negativity you ain't getting me back (unless somebody dies but even then only for a little bit)
Thank you guys for your loving comments I'll play catch up ASAP I mean I could read your blogs on the bus on my phone today but the problem is I can't post comments from my phone. We'll see.
Oh and I got a formspring account (name's dylphe) so any questions feel free.
Stay Strong
MUAH
158.1lbs (71.7kg)
Oh yeah in ya face negativity you ain't getting me back (unless somebody dies but even then only for a little bit)
Thank you guys for your loving comments I'll play catch up ASAP I mean I could read your blogs on the bus on my phone today but the problem is I can't post comments from my phone. We'll see.
Oh and I got a formspring account (name's dylphe) so any questions feel free.
Stay Strong
MUAH
Monday, February 14, 2011
I ate just to purge...wth is wrong with me
Seriously dylphe? Seriously?
I think it's time for bed. My laptop just overheated anyway. Tomorrow i'm running errands and then it's time to delve into the wonderful world striving for perfection i hope a friend announced herself saying she wanted to come over. Yeah a social life is great but can't i just stay in my little bubble focused on my scale and cal intake?
Why are we such social creatures?
Gnight guys purging is good for one thing...draining energy haha
oh yeah that pic is me post purge and this time i only removed the vomit no eye wiping.
Breather somewhat
Finally tomorrow I can catch up on blogs and vlogs and the like. (shouldn't be to pooped in the evening because I won't be as busy)
My day was good walked to the daycare with mini-me then took the long way back home (40 mins) and spent most of my runaround time walking. lots of walking. to bad the pedometer from lou reset itself somehow so i don't know how many steps all day but when i returned home after dropping mini-me off it was at over 6000.
Food, I did good today my friend gave me a protein bar (135cals) for valentines chocolate. it was chocolate with banana flavor not so much my flavor but couldn't eat more than one half at a time i was so filling. then i had this little baggy of fruit snacks(101cals). ate bread for dinner. dinner was purged. welcome back e/p. weird thing was (TMI warning) when I purged the moment i did it tasted like stomach acid the whole way through. never had that before.
Me post purge smeared makeup lol:
So excited/terrified tomorrow is weigh in. The official weigh in where I change the stats on the side and on the counter above.
I'm about to drink a smoothie frozen raspberries with mango-passion fruit juice. Out of a cocktail glass.
Well I'm off to clean an burn some cals (^_^)
Stay strong
MUAH
My day was good walked to the daycare with mini-me then took the long way back home (40 mins) and spent most of my runaround time walking. lots of walking. to bad the pedometer from lou reset itself somehow so i don't know how many steps all day but when i returned home after dropping mini-me off it was at over 6000.
Food, I did good today my friend gave me a protein bar (135cals) for valentines chocolate. it was chocolate with banana flavor not so much my flavor but couldn't eat more than one half at a time i was so filling. then i had this little baggy of fruit snacks(101cals). ate bread for dinner. dinner was purged. welcome back e/p. weird thing was (TMI warning) when I purged the moment i did it tasted like stomach acid the whole way through. never had that before.
Me post purge smeared makeup lol:
So excited/terrified tomorrow is weigh in. The official weigh in where I change the stats on the side and on the counter above.
I'm about to drink a smoothie frozen raspberries with mango-passion fruit juice. Out of a cocktail glass.
Well I'm off to clean an burn some cals (^_^)
Stay strong
MUAH
Sunday, February 13, 2011
recap
yesterday a friend came over i had a serious rice chow-down. not the best idea since it was at night BUT i said no to the cocktails. GO ME
I popped some laxies this morning they've already done their deed. Today I've only had coffee and some vegetables with onion soup thickened into a sauce. so not to many cals at the most hmmm 600 to be generous. but i seriously doubt even 500. Better safe than sorry when it comes to calculating calories that aren't certain.
I really need to research calories in all different things even how much in flour and stuff. well that's for a more motivated time.
So don't have to much to post right now I haven't kept up with blogs since yesterday morning because i had company and stuff. on days when i'm surrounded with "outsiders" i'll probably tweet more than read blogs and whatnot.
oh i started a quotes blog, everyday I will be posting a quote (that's the plan anyway). The first ones will probably be ones that I've already posted on here. unless I find a really great one.
Basically everyday a quote. Thank god for scheduled posting so on days when i have plenty of time i can prep if i know i have a busy day.
If you are interested click ME
anyway ladies tuesdays i'll weigh myself aunt flow should be completely gone
ta ta
stay strong
MUAH
I popped some laxies this morning they've already done their deed. Today I've only had coffee and some vegetables with onion soup thickened into a sauce. so not to many cals at the most hmmm 600 to be generous. but i seriously doubt even 500. Better safe than sorry when it comes to calculating calories that aren't certain.
I really need to research calories in all different things even how much in flour and stuff. well that's for a more motivated time.
So don't have to much to post right now I haven't kept up with blogs since yesterday morning because i had company and stuff. on days when i'm surrounded with "outsiders" i'll probably tweet more than read blogs and whatnot.
oh i started a quotes blog, everyday I will be posting a quote (that's the plan anyway). The first ones will probably be ones that I've already posted on here. unless I find a really great one.
Basically everyday a quote. Thank god for scheduled posting so on days when i have plenty of time i can prep if i know i have a busy day.
If you are interested click ME
anyway ladies tuesdays i'll weigh myself aunt flow should be completely gone
ta ta
stay strong
MUAH
Saturday, February 12, 2011
duu du duu du (shark music)
i b/p-ed last night
it started quite innocent too
when i'm going through a restrictive mode i tend to get restless and want to eat but i usually go through my cabinets and fridge and tell myself why i can't eat certain things. well in my living room i have this one thing where i still have stuff from my old apartment in there, i never moved it into my kitchen after i got it. so i'm going through the little cupboard and there's a whole bottle of low sodium soy sauce (awesome i love the soy sauce with rice which means i won't have to buy any for a long time), there was some miso soup and seaweed soup(the instant kind). japanese style noodles, some almond slices and this is where shit went wrong. the damn almond slices, first i tried to see how many cals just out of curiosity then i found the expiration which all i remember is the year is 2008. yeah they were three years past their date. so i don't see any mold i'm like hmmm i wonder what they'll taste like worst case scenario i get a fucked up stomach which in the end isn't to bad because of the automatic weight drop. i opened it and basically they tasted like old nuts(pervy thought just entered my mind). kind of like old peanuts that have been sitting out for quite some time.
then i realized oh shit you just put a solid food in your mouth, this isn't enough to purge and then the fuck it mentality came and i made myself one thing of japanese style noodles and i took the noodles out of one of those instant noodle pour some water add the seasoning things out and cooked them together. i then poured lots of ketchup and mayonnaise on them and went to town.
purging was easy as it usually is when you haven't done it in a while. it all came out.
and no i didn't get sick, because that bowl of noodles was expired to ha ha.
yeah don't get me wrong when it comes to fresh foods i don't fuck with expired stuff but i'm thinking all that stuff that is instant and dry i won't die from it. and worse case is food poisoning which isn't all that bad (in my head at least i'm sick i know)
i guess looking at the amount it's not that much binged so i guess a mini binge.
i remember prior to the binge in an attempt to avoid eating anything while watching food porn in my cabinets i weighed myself to kinda keep myself from eating and i was at an even 74kg after the b/p i was 73.8kg or .7 doesn't matter.
which that's not all this morning after the laxies kicked in and that got handled 72.5kg...woot woot.
this however does not mean i embraced mia or anything. i just had a slip up.
i think i need to keep food porn to pictures (like in the awesome book Lou sent me). i need to avoid the food strip club (my cabinets) because there is no don't touch policy...skanky food products
I won't post this mornings weight because aunt flow is being a clingy bitch and i don't trust her. however if this is my real weight i am extremely happy
I do wonder what happened to Konrad I think he deleted his blog which sucks because he still had a bunch of updates i didn't get a chance to read because of my lazyness and then it was gone *tear* I just hope everything is alright with him.
I hope Phantom is ok, no matter what she's doing right now. I wish her the best and hope she'll return even if it's just to post about her day to day.
i want to say congrats to Avani she posted a very great blog post today saying she is officially fully recovered. i am soooo happy for her. i think it's a great thing that should be celebrated and i did totally do a happy dance for her this morning.
Lou also posted a very positive vlog
so thanks to them I also had a great start to my day
so let us be positive. it feels good. (i'm sure if i got banged nice and hard that would feel good to...sorry i turn into a hornball toward the end of my period)
so stay strong
be positive
MUAH
it started quite innocent too
when i'm going through a restrictive mode i tend to get restless and want to eat but i usually go through my cabinets and fridge and tell myself why i can't eat certain things. well in my living room i have this one thing where i still have stuff from my old apartment in there, i never moved it into my kitchen after i got it. so i'm going through the little cupboard and there's a whole bottle of low sodium soy sauce (awesome i love the soy sauce with rice which means i won't have to buy any for a long time), there was some miso soup and seaweed soup(the instant kind). japanese style noodles, some almond slices and this is where shit went wrong. the damn almond slices, first i tried to see how many cals just out of curiosity then i found the expiration which all i remember is the year is 2008. yeah they were three years past their date. so i don't see any mold i'm like hmmm i wonder what they'll taste like worst case scenario i get a fucked up stomach which in the end isn't to bad because of the automatic weight drop. i opened it and basically they tasted like old nuts(pervy thought just entered my mind). kind of like old peanuts that have been sitting out for quite some time.
then i realized oh shit you just put a solid food in your mouth, this isn't enough to purge and then the fuck it mentality came and i made myself one thing of japanese style noodles and i took the noodles out of one of those instant noodle pour some water add the seasoning things out and cooked them together. i then poured lots of ketchup and mayonnaise on them and went to town.
purging was easy as it usually is when you haven't done it in a while. it all came out.
and no i didn't get sick, because that bowl of noodles was expired to ha ha.
yeah don't get me wrong when it comes to fresh foods i don't fuck with expired stuff but i'm thinking all that stuff that is instant and dry i won't die from it. and worse case is food poisoning which isn't all that bad (in my head at least i'm sick i know)
i guess looking at the amount it's not that much binged so i guess a mini binge.
i remember prior to the binge in an attempt to avoid eating anything while watching food porn in my cabinets i weighed myself to kinda keep myself from eating and i was at an even 74kg after the b/p i was 73.8kg or .7 doesn't matter.
which that's not all this morning after the laxies kicked in and that got handled 72.5kg...woot woot.
this however does not mean i embraced mia or anything. i just had a slip up.
i think i need to keep food porn to pictures (like in the awesome book Lou sent me). i need to avoid the food strip club (my cabinets) because there is no don't touch policy...skanky food products
I won't post this mornings weight because aunt flow is being a clingy bitch and i don't trust her. however if this is my real weight i am extremely happy
I do wonder what happened to Konrad I think he deleted his blog which sucks because he still had a bunch of updates i didn't get a chance to read because of my lazyness and then it was gone *tear* I just hope everything is alright with him.
I hope Phantom is ok, no matter what she's doing right now. I wish her the best and hope she'll return even if it's just to post about her day to day.
i want to say congrats to Avani she posted a very great blog post today saying she is officially fully recovered. i am soooo happy for her. i think it's a great thing that should be celebrated and i did totally do a happy dance for her this morning.
Lou also posted a very positive vlog
so thanks to them I also had a great start to my day
so let us be positive. it feels good. (i'm sure if i got banged nice and hard that would feel good to...sorry i turn into a hornball toward the end of my period)
so stay strong
be positive
MUAH
Friday, February 11, 2011
OMFG
my blog is one year old today. awesome that i was able to stick it out
*cough*with*cough*pauses*cough*
since i've started loosing weight i've dropped about(since i don't know my exact weight right now) 101.4lbs (46kg)
i should be celebrating but i'm so used to denying myself joy until i reach the end...i'm working on it, part of my new found positivity
so today i feel like i've eaten a lot but i don't think i went over 800 cals
still trying to hydrate, have tea sitting next to me
i had a binge urge so i chowed down on some cucumber <-take that mia
right now i'm good on distancing myself from her and i hope it stays that way.
i don't know my weight exactly so i'll say 75 just to round it but by my 25th bday in june i want to reach my goal of 53kg that means i've got about 5 months to drop 22kg that's 4.4kg a month, 1.1kg a week, 157gr a day; that shouldn't be to hard.
i'm a bit upset at myself because i wanted to run today but didn't. i did walk quite a bit.
monday it's on. i think i'll jog back home after dropping mini me off at daycare if i can't count on my friend. unless there is snow everywhere since it's supposed to snow again ugh
i've re-fallen in love with coffee it ups my energy
well that's it for tonight
stay strong
MUAH
*cough*with*cough*pauses*cough*
since i've started loosing weight i've dropped about(since i don't know my exact weight right now) 101.4lbs (46kg)
i should be celebrating but i'm so used to denying myself joy until i reach the end...i'm working on it, part of my new found positivity
so today i feel like i've eaten a lot but i don't think i went over 800 cals
still trying to hydrate, have tea sitting next to me
i had a binge urge so i chowed down on some cucumber <-take that mia
right now i'm good on distancing myself from her and i hope it stays that way.
i don't know my weight exactly so i'll say 75 just to round it but by my 25th bday in june i want to reach my goal of 53kg that means i've got about 5 months to drop 22kg that's 4.4kg a month, 1.1kg a week, 157gr a day; that shouldn't be to hard.
i'm a bit upset at myself because i wanted to run today but didn't. i did walk quite a bit.
monday it's on. i think i'll jog back home after dropping mini me off at daycare if i can't count on my friend. unless there is snow everywhere since it's supposed to snow again ugh
i've re-fallen in love with coffee it ups my energy
well that's it for tonight
stay strong
MUAH
quick post on the positive thinking
i decided to add the rules for this wishingordering thing in here while i drink my coffee before i gotta get ready to take mini-me to day care
1. you can order for anything you want (you can also be as detailed as you want)
2. the best way to order is to say it and then kind of forget about it
3. there is no ritual for it, you can write it down read it outloud at night and tell the universe what you want if you want or sit at your desk and think it
I decided to write my things down read them outloud and then burn the paper so as to feel like there gave up my order time to move on
4. it must be formulated in a positive way. like for example instead of i don't want to be sick you'd say i want to be healthy
5. don't order 20 million times. once is enough
6. stay positive no negative nancy thoughts this of course takes practice but it's worth it and it's not that hard
7. you have to believe in your order no hmm it's not gonna work anyway but you have to know that it WILL happen. if you think positive you get positive things if you think negative you'll get negative things.
8. you have to start listening to your inner voice. they way it works is that small things start happening, like little changes that will lead you to whatever it is you wanted.
the author gave a story about a lady who always took the elevator down at her home to the parkhouse underneath one day she just randomly decided to take the stairs down. when she got to the entrance there was the mail man with a package for her, which she wouldn't have gotten had she not taken the stairs. apparently this is how this universe works you listen to the small little voice in your head instead of only sticking to what you know and routine and then it just works out.
in order for you to start being more positive you have to make a stronger commitment to yourself. think of yourself first before anybody else. before you think about your child, family, friends make yourself happy. when you're happy and positive everything falls into place
anyway you don't have to believe it or do it but feel free to try it out you have nothing to loose. even if the first time you just ask for a perfect parking spot or that you don't have to wait long in line at the store...whatever works for you
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ok so question which is off subject.
sometimes when i'm out and about i see the school kids (probably around the ages 8-12) and the little girls will be so skinny and i'm somewhat jealous, anybody else ever feel that way? it's kinda retarded i know they're kids but i envy thin on whoever.
well anyway i lost some more weight but no official update until aunt flow takes her ass home
1. you can order for anything you want (you can also be as detailed as you want)
2. the best way to order is to say it and then kind of forget about it
3. there is no ritual for it, you can write it down read it outloud at night and tell the universe what you want if you want or sit at your desk and think it
I decided to write my things down read them outloud and then burn the paper so as to feel like there gave up my order time to move on
4. it must be formulated in a positive way. like for example instead of i don't want to be sick you'd say i want to be healthy
5. don't order 20 million times. once is enough
6. stay positive no negative nancy thoughts this of course takes practice but it's worth it and it's not that hard
7. you have to believe in your order no hmm it's not gonna work anyway but you have to know that it WILL happen. if you think positive you get positive things if you think negative you'll get negative things.
8. you have to start listening to your inner voice. they way it works is that small things start happening, like little changes that will lead you to whatever it is you wanted.
the author gave a story about a lady who always took the elevator down at her home to the parkhouse underneath one day she just randomly decided to take the stairs down. when she got to the entrance there was the mail man with a package for her, which she wouldn't have gotten had she not taken the stairs. apparently this is how this universe works you listen to the small little voice in your head instead of only sticking to what you know and routine and then it just works out.
in order for you to start being more positive you have to make a stronger commitment to yourself. think of yourself first before anybody else. before you think about your child, family, friends make yourself happy. when you're happy and positive everything falls into place
anyway you don't have to believe it or do it but feel free to try it out you have nothing to loose. even if the first time you just ask for a perfect parking spot or that you don't have to wait long in line at the store...whatever works for you
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ok so question which is off subject.
sometimes when i'm out and about i see the school kids (probably around the ages 8-12) and the little girls will be so skinny and i'm somewhat jealous, anybody else ever feel that way? it's kinda retarded i know they're kids but i envy thin on whoever.
well anyway i lost some more weight but no official update until aunt flow takes her ass home
Thursday, February 10, 2011
scartterbrain warning
woot woot another vlog
pardon the background mess lol
for those wondering why they don't show on my youtube it's basically because i'm too paranoid someone i know would stumble through youtube and find it so i have them as unlisted. but anyway here you go:
pardon the background mess lol
for those wondering why they don't show on my youtube it's basically because i'm too paranoid someone i know would stumble through youtube and find it so i have them as unlisted. but anyway here you go:
dum di dum
so i'll be vlogging tonight just waiting for mini-me to go to bed because seriously if she sees the camera it won't be dylphe's vlog but mini me's
i made a positive thinking thinspo w/ quotes for your enjoyment
laterz haterz j/k
MUAH
P.S. vlog time depends on how long it takes to upload on youtube but i'll be recording in like two hours
i made a positive thinking thinspo w/ quotes for your enjoyment
laterz haterz j/k
MUAH
P.S. vlog time depends on how long it takes to upload on youtube but i'll be recording in like two hours
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
“Positive thinking is the key to success in business, education, pro football, anything that you can mention. I go out there thinking that I'm going to complete every pass.” ~Ron Jaworsky
so basically as a warning because i am currently under the influence of a certain green plant. so please excuse anything that makes no sense whatsoever
so basically the last two days were crap i'm not going to get the money refunded that were paid out of own pocket for daycare so yeah i'm somewhat screwed. however let's not focus on the negative sides because although it sucks not to have money when you still HAVE to pay for certain things but it means less food. i have to really see what i'm spending money on so top priority is mini-me. she must eat and i can ration or go without if i don't have it anyway. so that's pretty freaking awesome. i don't have money to eat which means automatic weight reduction. then with me walking a lot every day it's on like donkey kong. today i didn't eat a lot. i had half a pretzel that i shared with mini-me, i've had 1.5 bags of sauerkraut (500gr each @ 100cals for the whole bag) 1L of coffee with milk, 1 glass of apple juice, and right now i have 1L of tea (cherry and elder *i'm not to sure of the translation here it's called holunder in german, but that's what the translator gave me) 3 or 4 sweeteners. i know aspartame is in there but i don't care.
i'm really motivated at the moment. i read a book about positive thinking and just wishing for what you want and if you're positive the universe gives it to you, kind of like the secret. anyway i made my wishes and now i have to stay positive. but i am feeling really motivated to reach my goal. even if it could be called self-brainwashing i don't care trying won't hurt. we shall see i made some wishes for my love life, work life, money, and of course my weight. we'll see in the next half year because apparently you can be specific about what you want. it's a german book and i don't know if it's ever been translated but if you're interested i'll e-mail you the title.
ok guys i've gotta go my tea is done steeping. oh and before i forget i won't be weighing in for a while because i got my period yesterday and bloating and the scale not a mind friendly combination
“Positive thinking will let you do everything better than negative thinking will.”~ Zig Ziglar
stay strong
MUAH
so basically the last two days were crap i'm not going to get the money refunded that were paid out of own pocket for daycare so yeah i'm somewhat screwed. however let's not focus on the negative sides because although it sucks not to have money when you still HAVE to pay for certain things but it means less food. i have to really see what i'm spending money on so top priority is mini-me. she must eat and i can ration or go without if i don't have it anyway. so that's pretty freaking awesome. i don't have money to eat which means automatic weight reduction. then with me walking a lot every day it's on like donkey kong. today i didn't eat a lot. i had half a pretzel that i shared with mini-me, i've had 1.5 bags of sauerkraut (500gr each @ 100cals for the whole bag) 1L of coffee with milk, 1 glass of apple juice, and right now i have 1L of tea (cherry and elder *i'm not to sure of the translation here it's called holunder in german, but that's what the translator gave me) 3 or 4 sweeteners. i know aspartame is in there but i don't care.
i'm really motivated at the moment. i read a book about positive thinking and just wishing for what you want and if you're positive the universe gives it to you, kind of like the secret. anyway i made my wishes and now i have to stay positive. but i am feeling really motivated to reach my goal. even if it could be called self-brainwashing i don't care trying won't hurt. we shall see i made some wishes for my love life, work life, money, and of course my weight. we'll see in the next half year because apparently you can be specific about what you want. it's a german book and i don't know if it's ever been translated but if you're interested i'll e-mail you the title.
ok guys i've gotta go my tea is done steeping. oh and before i forget i won't be weighing in for a while because i got my period yesterday and bloating and the scale not a mind friendly combination
“Positive thinking will let you do everything better than negative thinking will.”~ Zig Ziglar
stay strong
MUAH
Monday, February 7, 2011
man
so i didn't post yesterday because i didn't really get a chance, in the morning it was all about mini-me not giving me 5 minutes of peace, then the parentals came and got her around one in the afternoon. then i decided kid free time called my friend and we went jogging/running for about 30 mins. then i got a call from the parents oh we're ready to return her. I'm like whaaaat, so i hurry back home and then they text me: oh well you can come to our house we went home.
whaaaat i'm like well i can't come all the way out you do know it's sunday and the buses run weird. so then they kept her i took a shower and then my friend came over to my house and my parent's finally brought her around 5:30- 6:00. so frustrating.
so i've been drinking this chocolate soy protein shake lately. hope it helps with the weight drop. kinda decided on them because honor's always talking about her drink mixes. i can't complain. i hope on friday when i step on the scale i'll show a drop. today i must hydrate because (TMI warning) my pee has been very yellow. we know what that means. not enough liquids. today is a day of hydration. i'm so broke i need to get my shizzle handled. today i'm going to be handling my business so they start paying for mini-me's daycare. i've been having to wait on some paperwork and i hope they handle it soon so i get my money for the past two months back. i have bills to pay and food to buy. can't have mini me starving. at least she gets food at day care. although she does have a rash on her stomach but i think that's from this new cream i tried out because it started after using that. hmmm...we'll see this afternoon. hope they don't call me to come and get her. money is such a pain in the ass. why can't the necessary things in life be free...that includes tummy tucks he he. i'm sorry it's all jumbled. it's so early in the morning.
well i have to get the day started and drink a liter of tea before i leave the house. i'm going to try for 3 liters today. should be a great appetite suppressant. so yeah
stay strong
MUAH
whaaaat i'm like well i can't come all the way out you do know it's sunday and the buses run weird. so then they kept her i took a shower and then my friend came over to my house and my parent's finally brought her around 5:30- 6:00. so frustrating.
so i've been drinking this chocolate soy protein shake lately. hope it helps with the weight drop. kinda decided on them because honor's always talking about her drink mixes. i can't complain. i hope on friday when i step on the scale i'll show a drop. today i must hydrate because (TMI warning) my pee has been very yellow. we know what that means. not enough liquids. today is a day of hydration. i'm so broke i need to get my shizzle handled. today i'm going to be handling my business so they start paying for mini-me's daycare. i've been having to wait on some paperwork and i hope they handle it soon so i get my money for the past two months back. i have bills to pay and food to buy. can't have mini me starving. at least she gets food at day care. although she does have a rash on her stomach but i think that's from this new cream i tried out because it started after using that. hmmm...we'll see this afternoon. hope they don't call me to come and get her. money is such a pain in the ass. why can't the necessary things in life be free...that includes tummy tucks he he. i'm sorry it's all jumbled. it's so early in the morning.
well i have to get the day started and drink a liter of tea before i leave the house. i'm going to try for 3 liters today. should be a great appetite suppressant. so yeah
stay strong
MUAH
Saturday, February 5, 2011
sooo
friday i went and jogged and walked for over an hour. i probably jogged half that time. damn i felt good...and then went back to my friends house smoked weed and fell asleep watching silent hill. oh yeah went from active to super lazy. oh well it's ok. so we'll be doing that every monday wednesday and friday. i'm thinking in between i might pop in my dvds and work out to tone up. i have actually been able to avoid my scale crack. i'll try to wait until end of next week just to see where i'm at after working out because if i weigh myself before and then i gain some muscle i'll be disappointed i think...
i'll post more tomorrow my parents are taking mini-me for the day. plus blogger is acting funky and telling me that i'm not following any blogs. bastard so i can't even catch up.
sorry for the absence but i haven't really been home the past few days and when i was i was tired. so more tomorrow!!
and since house bunny is on tv right now
this biznatchio is hotness and i'd love to have that body but as Lou called it, I need me a tummy tuck in a jar and a serious boob lift before that happens even after i drop the weight
oh a friend of mine who is dreaming of a tummy tuck and boob job much like me actually told me that studies have shown after dropping a large amount of weight that if you have skin saggage getting the surgery done helps keep you from regaining the weight because that surgery is like putting an end to the fat days. which makes sense because i think due to the skin saggage i've gotten my fucked up body image because i just don't feel like i'm loosing any weight and everything is just FAT i mean yeah that shit still is but you know...
anyway gotta get some shut eye gotta get up early with mini me who's so used to the weekday schedule that her but is still getting up at like 6:30
maybe i'll pop some laxies before i go to sleep
stay strong
MUAH
will play catch up on blogs and start reading some new blogs soon, sorry i've been so absent again!!
i'll post more tomorrow my parents are taking mini-me for the day. plus blogger is acting funky and telling me that i'm not following any blogs. bastard so i can't even catch up.
sorry for the absence but i haven't really been home the past few days and when i was i was tired. so more tomorrow!!
and since house bunny is on tv right now
this biznatchio is hotness and i'd love to have that body but as Lou called it, I need me a tummy tuck in a jar and a serious boob lift before that happens even after i drop the weight
oh a friend of mine who is dreaming of a tummy tuck and boob job much like me actually told me that studies have shown after dropping a large amount of weight that if you have skin saggage getting the surgery done helps keep you from regaining the weight because that surgery is like putting an end to the fat days. which makes sense because i think due to the skin saggage i've gotten my fucked up body image because i just don't feel like i'm loosing any weight and everything is just FAT i mean yeah that shit still is but you know...
anyway gotta get some shut eye gotta get up early with mini me who's so used to the weekday schedule that her but is still getting up at like 6:30
maybe i'll pop some laxies before i go to sleep
stay strong
MUAH
will play catch up on blogs and start reading some new blogs soon, sorry i've been so absent again!!
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