so before I post what everybody has been anticipating (me as well but I already know) which is my weight this fine morning, I just want to say I have been positive this past week. Of course I've had my moments where I had to remind myself ok stop bitching, but I've been staying pretty positive for which I am very proud of myself. However the only way to get some change is to change yourself so yeah. I must say that this positivity works for me because I felt so much more motivated to restrict and stay active and moving (oh and a cup of coffee with soy milk and a multivitamin and a L-Caritin capsule) so without further ado (and here it comes) I weigh:
158.1lbs (71.7kg)
Oh yeah in ya face negativity you ain't getting me back (unless somebody dies but even then only for a little bit)
Thank you guys for your loving comments I'll play catch up ASAP I mean I could read your blogs on the bus on my phone today but the problem is I can't post comments from my phone. We'll see.
Oh and I got a formspring account (name's dylphe) so any questions feel free.
Stay Strong
MUAH
Showing posts with label Weigh In. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Weigh In. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
quick weigh in, longer post when i'm fully awake
d
o
w
n
whooooooooooooooooooooooooo
156.7lbs (71.1kg)
yeah it was a long night so after i wake up a bit more i'll post again also thank you for the lovely comments
o
w
n
whooooooooooooooooooooooooo
156.7lbs (71.1kg)
yeah it was a long night so after i wake up a bit more i'll post again also thank you for the lovely comments
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Oh happy day
159.8lbs(72.5kg) do a happy dance because oh yeah i'm finally under 160 OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAH YEAH YEAH
yes it's finally going doooown
(that up there is my favorite shmexy jrocker taa from lulu he is absolutely gorgeous and super skinny. i'll post some pics later)
and you know what i refuse to sabotage it. yesterday i wanted to binge so bad but i didn't.
i did eat yesterday a wedge of apple and some potatoes. so that isn't to much. today i'm going to try and hydrate as much as i possibly can, to make sure there's no extra water weight. here's some quotes as a filler since I don't have much to tell at least nothing i can think of at the moment:
yes it's finally going doooown
(that up there is my favorite shmexy jrocker taa from lulu he is absolutely gorgeous and super skinny. i'll post some pics later)
and you know what i refuse to sabotage it. yesterday i wanted to binge so bad but i didn't.
i did eat yesterday a wedge of apple and some potatoes. so that isn't to much. today i'm going to try and hydrate as much as i possibly can, to make sure there's no extra water weight. here's some quotes as a filler since I don't have much to tell at least nothing i can think of at the moment:
- “The best way to lose weight is to eat all you want of everything you don't like”
- “The whole idea of motivation is a trap. Forget motivation. Just do it. Exercise, lose weight, test your blood sugar, or whatever. Do it without motivation. And then, guess what? After you start doing the thing, that's when the motivation comes and makes it easy for you to keep on doing it.” ~ John C. Maxwell
- “The best way to lose weight is to close your mouth - something very difficult for a politician. Or watch your food - just watch it, don't eat it.”~ Edward Koch
- “Our limitations and success will be based, most often, on your own expectations for ourselves. What the mind dwells upon, the body acts upon.”~ Denis Waitley
- “Most great people have attained their greatest success just one step beyond their greatest failure.”~ Napoleon Hill
- “Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be”~ George Sheehan
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
sometimes when i see white snow i wish i was a guy so i could pee my name in it
pathetic just pathetic the fail and the win both of them...
so first to the fail
my weight
167.1lbs (75.8kg)
fatty mcfatfat is throwing a party right now. A gain a fucking gain. I'm going to tell myself that it's because of the onion soup (we all know onions cause bloating) and not fall into a pit of complete self-loathing
let's see my win
I can purge again. Ok before we start on the i want to quit, i want to repeat that my win is pathetic. here are my thoughts on it: yes i know i want to leave mia's ass. it's love/hate all the way. sometimes i want to stay with her. however having my purging ability stolen from me made me angry. I'M the one that get's to decide when this relationship between us is over. you can't just take it away from me. it's the whole i'm breaking up with you, you're NOT breaking up with me thing going on.
so last night i made myself another soup then fried some bread in soy sauce and put it in the soup. then i purged it and it made me happy.
so today i went to the pharmacy to buy me some laxies, because they make me happy in the intestine.
me: i need some laxitives but the pills please.
lady: ok what kind (names the brand)
me: yeah those are fine
lady: do you want the 20 pills, 50, or 100
me: how much are they
lady: 4.50, 7.50, 14.95
me: i'll take the 100
i then pay and am so happy i want to just pee my pants. it's like yes i have 100 laxitives no questions asked. hope she doesn't remember me once that pack is done when i go back to her. oh it made me so happy. it's like support for my disorderedness
i know i'm a tard.
sometimes i wish all the people i've gotten to know on here that we could just meet up hang out. however looking at it realistically it would destroy the anonymity some of us try to maintain on here and might be akward. i'm by nature an akward person. i mean yeah i actually show my real me on here or rather write it but people make me nervous i guess that's why i got diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. but i'm just saying. it be great to have friends to hang out with that really get what you're going through. i mean i have very few real life friends. most of them don't live anywhere near me...make that all. my besty lives 40mins by car from me. and if i had a car that wouldn't be a problem. the train costs money so yeah....not the point i was getting at, but i know she can't completely comprehend what the deal is even though she gets every other aspect of me, anyway just saying i wish i had people like you guys to hang out with. people that don't pressure me into eating because "you don't eat enough"..."oh i think i do you just don't see it."
in other news mia girly is going into a rehab center to help her recover, in about 2 months is check in. guess who's going to be visiting her? yep you got it, me. this rehab center is focused only on eating disorders. AKWARD. i'm really happy they're getting help but i know i'm going to be like THINSPIRATION, THINSPIRATION, THINSPIRATION. that's just how my sick mind works...
so guys stay strong
i have been so far, i haven't eaten anything at all yet today.
MUAH
so first to the fail
my weight
167.1lbs (75.8kg)
fatty mcfatfat is throwing a party right now. A gain a fucking gain. I'm going to tell myself that it's because of the onion soup (we all know onions cause bloating) and not fall into a pit of complete self-loathing
let's see my win
I can purge again. Ok before we start on the i want to quit, i want to repeat that my win is pathetic. here are my thoughts on it: yes i know i want to leave mia's ass. it's love/hate all the way. sometimes i want to stay with her. however having my purging ability stolen from me made me angry. I'M the one that get's to decide when this relationship between us is over. you can't just take it away from me. it's the whole i'm breaking up with you, you're NOT breaking up with me thing going on.
so last night i made myself another soup then fried some bread in soy sauce and put it in the soup. then i purged it and it made me happy.
so today i went to the pharmacy to buy me some laxies, because they make me happy in the intestine.
me: i need some laxitives but the pills please.
lady: ok what kind (names the brand)
me: yeah those are fine
lady: do you want the 20 pills, 50, or 100
me: how much are they
lady: 4.50, 7.50, 14.95
me: i'll take the 100
i then pay and am so happy i want to just pee my pants. it's like yes i have 100 laxitives no questions asked. hope she doesn't remember me once that pack is done when i go back to her. oh it made me so happy. it's like support for my disorderedness
i know i'm a tard.
sometimes i wish all the people i've gotten to know on here that we could just meet up hang out. however looking at it realistically it would destroy the anonymity some of us try to maintain on here and might be akward. i'm by nature an akward person. i mean yeah i actually show my real me on here or rather write it but people make me nervous i guess that's why i got diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. but i'm just saying. it be great to have friends to hang out with that really get what you're going through. i mean i have very few real life friends. most of them don't live anywhere near me...make that all. my besty lives 40mins by car from me. and if i had a car that wouldn't be a problem. the train costs money so yeah....not the point i was getting at, but i know she can't completely comprehend what the deal is even though she gets every other aspect of me, anyway just saying i wish i had people like you guys to hang out with. people that don't pressure me into eating because "you don't eat enough"..."oh i think i do you just don't see it."
in other news mia girly is going into a rehab center to help her recover, in about 2 months is check in. guess who's going to be visiting her? yep you got it, me. this rehab center is focused only on eating disorders. AKWARD. i'm really happy they're getting help but i know i'm going to be like THINSPIRATION, THINSPIRATION, THINSPIRATION. that's just how my sick mind works...
so guys stay strong
i have been so far, i haven't eaten anything at all yet today.
MUAH
Monday, December 20, 2010
EPIC FAIL
fatty mcfatfat won
stupid fat cow
166.7lbs (75.6kg)
ughhhhh but i can't hide i must do something. this fucking sabotage has got to stop.
it's monday a day for beginnings. i need to make it such. i don't have a plan but i'm going to just take the day on as it comes. i'll start with drinking tea. Probably should write down all my consumption though.
@Konrad thanks, yeah i did draw it and i was so intimidated by acrylics until i tried them i was like only artists use this stuff, but it's so much fun, i think it's really worth it. there's so many things you can do with them. in the clinic we had all sorts of tools but my favorite thing was using a sponge to apply the bottom colors because you can nicely mesh the colors into each other. i don't have a sponge now just paint brushes but still fun. i encourage this hobby. peer pressure peer pressure.
well time to start the day
stay strong
MUAH
stupid fat cow
166.7lbs (75.6kg)
ughhhhh but i can't hide i must do something. this fucking sabotage has got to stop.
it's monday a day for beginnings. i need to make it such. i don't have a plan but i'm going to just take the day on as it comes. i'll start with drinking tea. Probably should write down all my consumption though.
@Konrad thanks, yeah i did draw it and i was so intimidated by acrylics until i tried them i was like only artists use this stuff, but it's so much fun, i think it's really worth it. there's so many things you can do with them. in the clinic we had all sorts of tools but my favorite thing was using a sponge to apply the bottom colors because you can nicely mesh the colors into each other. i don't have a sponge now just paint brushes but still fun. i encourage this hobby. peer pressure peer pressure.
well time to start the day
stay strong
MUAH
Thursday, December 16, 2010
does releasing frustration before sleep cause weight to drop?
because the scale said
160.7lbs (72.9kg)
do a little dance, don' t make a little love, still to fat today, fat today
anyway this does not mean i can indulge in mia. i still need to drop her. it's not cool behavior and i want to be a cool kid. I also need to remember how dehydrating that habit is and drink A LOT!!!
so this'll be short we'll see how the day goes.
must get ready check on mini me and see if she's up for day care.
stay strong
muah
thank you so much for your lovely comments!!!
i'm hoping for a better day and the number put me at a good start at least
160.7lbs (72.9kg)
do a little dance, don' t make a little love, still to fat today, fat today
anyway this does not mean i can indulge in mia. i still need to drop her. it's not cool behavior and i want to be a cool kid. I also need to remember how dehydrating that habit is and drink A LOT!!!
so this'll be short we'll see how the day goes.
must get ready check on mini me and see if she's up for day care.
stay strong
muah
thank you so much for your lovely comments!!!
i'm hoping for a better day and the number put me at a good start at least
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
loss
however don't like to much how i did it....purging all day pretty much everything i ate went down the toilet which i've found i prefer standing up bent over purging. i'm usually a fat ass and kneel but ha i like standing.
anyway i'm at 162.3lbs (73.6kg) finally back in that range now the only thing i have to do is keep at it. i've been fucking up around this number in the past months. i can't do that i still have about 20kgs to go before i list my ugw.
i didn't go to the doctor yesterday, i got an appointment for today but does me no good because i have no one to get mini-me from day care and that's not good. she's still in that phase where she's only there for limited times. that doesn't end until thursday so i might have to reschedule my appointment for then. which sucks but what can i do? nothing. nobody can go pick her up, or better yet the people i trust are either not picking up their phone or they have other things they HAVE to do. see this is why i need a guy. and with that i mean a support system...a support system that gets me laid.
stay strong
MUAH
anyway i'm at 162.3lbs (73.6kg) finally back in that range now the only thing i have to do is keep at it. i've been fucking up around this number in the past months. i can't do that i still have about 20kgs to go before i list my ugw.
i didn't go to the doctor yesterday, i got an appointment for today but does me no good because i have no one to get mini-me from day care and that's not good. she's still in that phase where she's only there for limited times. that doesn't end until thursday so i might have to reschedule my appointment for then. which sucks but what can i do? nothing. nobody can go pick her up, or better yet the people i trust are either not picking up their phone or they have other things they HAVE to do. see this is why i need a guy. and with that i mean a support system...a support system that gets me laid.
stay strong
MUAH
Monday, December 13, 2010
it's a success when your hand smells like vomit
the scale did it's funky number thing again 73.6,73.7, 74, 74.1 kg.
I'm gonna go with 163.4lbs (74.1kg) and play it safe.
Today I have my appointment at the gyno. But I have to wait 15 minutes before I can make an appointment. They don't open until 8.
regarding the title, I know this will sound gross but when I purge and I don't get everything my hand'll just smell like food but when I get it all and hit the bile it smells like vomit. Yeah it's gross but that smell makes me happy. Especially with the stomach pain lately it just hasn't been possible. I can take a lot of pain, but it was just to intense a lot of time these past weeks.
Yesterday I ate kinda normal, but at my besties I drank soda and not the diet kind, however she doesn't have anything different and I can't get down with the tap water it has a funny aftertaste, and I don't trust tap water. I will drink mine though because when I put it on cold it's like fridge cold and then I can pretend I got it out of the fridge so it's ok. I also b/pd but when i was eating it felt dumb, it didn't taste good, i didn't want it i only did it because i'd already started and figured i'd make this purge worth it (is there any purge ever really worth it?)
Some good comments this weekend
My mom: you lost weight again?
Me: Like 3Kg
Mom: No you've lost more
Me: Not according to the scale and that's what I go by
Mom: No you've lost more it must be the bloating, your waist is so small
At my besties house
Her Neighbor: Hey can I get a ride to your city with you and your mom tonight
Me: I don't know, and I can't call her right now so I'll have to ask later
H.N.: Eeey you're not Dylphe
Me: WTF then who am I
H.N.: How much more weight are you planning to loose
Everybody laughs
I think: a lot more see that skinny chick (my bestie) yeah I'm trying to get down there
Glad everybody was laughing so I didn't have to respond, I don't like answering that question anymore. It's weird I don't want people to know where I'm trying to go. I'm now starting to get close to a healthy weight range and we'll see what happens when the loss continues past then. I'm looking forward to it but I'm scared of people's reaction when it isn't good.
THANK YOU for all your positive comments on the weight loss and things they are awesome.
@skinny_el yeah I do need to remember to keep eat days healthy if I do decide to do them.
Speaking of eating I asked for a rice cooker for christmas. although I did want to do the potato diet I found I'm to lazy for that shiznit (the peeling), so I see a new diet on my horizon. The rice diet. My bestie told me about a co-worker who is no super skinny after loosing her baby after having just lived off rice. With the rice cooker it's easy, rice and water in press the button. Won't have to worry about burning. Oh happy day
So I'll post after the doctors.
Stay strong
MUAH
I'm gonna go with 163.4lbs (74.1kg) and play it safe.
Today I have my appointment at the gyno. But I have to wait 15 minutes before I can make an appointment. They don't open until 8.
regarding the title, I know this will sound gross but when I purge and I don't get everything my hand'll just smell like food but when I get it all and hit the bile it smells like vomit. Yeah it's gross but that smell makes me happy. Especially with the stomach pain lately it just hasn't been possible. I can take a lot of pain, but it was just to intense a lot of time these past weeks.
Yesterday I ate kinda normal, but at my besties I drank soda and not the diet kind, however she doesn't have anything different and I can't get down with the tap water it has a funny aftertaste, and I don't trust tap water. I will drink mine though because when I put it on cold it's like fridge cold and then I can pretend I got it out of the fridge so it's ok. I also b/pd but when i was eating it felt dumb, it didn't taste good, i didn't want it i only did it because i'd already started and figured i'd make this purge worth it (is there any purge ever really worth it?)
Some good comments this weekend
My mom: you lost weight again?
Me: Like 3Kg
Mom: No you've lost more
Me: Not according to the scale and that's what I go by
Mom: No you've lost more it must be the bloating, your waist is so small
At my besties house
Her Neighbor: Hey can I get a ride to your city with you and your mom tonight
Me: I don't know, and I can't call her right now so I'll have to ask later
H.N.: Eeey you're not Dylphe
Me: WTF then who am I
H.N.: How much more weight are you planning to loose
Everybody laughs
I think: a lot more see that skinny chick (my bestie) yeah I'm trying to get down there
Glad everybody was laughing so I didn't have to respond, I don't like answering that question anymore. It's weird I don't want people to know where I'm trying to go. I'm now starting to get close to a healthy weight range and we'll see what happens when the loss continues past then. I'm looking forward to it but I'm scared of people's reaction when it isn't good.
THANK YOU for all your positive comments on the weight loss and things they are awesome.
@skinny_el yeah I do need to remember to keep eat days healthy if I do decide to do them.
Speaking of eating I asked for a rice cooker for christmas. although I did want to do the potato diet I found I'm to lazy for that shiznit (the peeling), so I see a new diet on my horizon. The rice diet. My bestie told me about a co-worker who is no super skinny after loosing her baby after having just lived off rice. With the rice cooker it's easy, rice and water in press the button. Won't have to worry about burning. Oh happy day
So I'll post after the doctors.
Stay strong
MUAH
Saturday, December 11, 2010
wtf happy news and THANK YOU
163.4lbs(74.1kg)
yes i lost weight despite being a little binge monster. let's go back down memory lane:
1 big bowl apple jacks w/ soy milk
2 plates tofu and green beans with garlic and soy milk
2 normal sized bowls apple jacks with soy milk
1 humongous bowl of apple jack with soy milk (this bowl was purged however)
some of you may not consider this binge worthy but none of this eating was planned, not even that humongous bowl. it's just apple jacks are very seductive to me. so i'll call it a binge because it's more food than i planned in
however i must keep in mind that just because i had a loss after eating it does not make eating ok for everyday. maybe like Honor I should allow myself an eat day.
A lot of you that I'm following have been so positive lately and it seems to have paid off, you guys are having success whether it's with your weight or with your life. I'm truly happy for you guys and it's helping me look at my future a little bit more brightly. although this path is filled with much darkness it is possible for us to be happy, find happiness, and all that jazz, we deserve it.
thank you for sharing your positivity
stay strong
muah
p.s. i might post again later today but i won't be posting tonight or tomorrow because i'm going to visit my besty, and since my mom is a nosy woman i'm not taking my laptop because she would be looking over my shoulder. i mean i'll be on my phone tweeting, texting, or fbing and she's trying to be all up in my business. i mean yeah if i was a teenager i could understand because there's just so much more crazy shit nowadays anyway tangent....
yes i lost weight despite being a little binge monster. let's go back down memory lane:
1 big bowl apple jacks w/ soy milk
2 plates tofu and green beans with garlic and soy milk
2 normal sized bowls apple jacks with soy milk
1 humongous bowl of apple jack with soy milk (this bowl was purged however)
some of you may not consider this binge worthy but none of this eating was planned, not even that humongous bowl. it's just apple jacks are very seductive to me. so i'll call it a binge because it's more food than i planned in
however i must keep in mind that just because i had a loss after eating it does not make eating ok for everyday. maybe like Honor I should allow myself an eat day.
A lot of you that I'm following have been so positive lately and it seems to have paid off, you guys are having success whether it's with your weight or with your life. I'm truly happy for you guys and it's helping me look at my future a little bit more brightly. although this path is filled with much darkness it is possible for us to be happy, find happiness, and all that jazz, we deserve it.
thank you for sharing your positivity
stay strong
muah
p.s. i might post again later today but i won't be posting tonight or tomorrow because i'm going to visit my besty, and since my mom is a nosy woman i'm not taking my laptop because she would be looking over my shoulder. i mean i'll be on my phone tweeting, texting, or fbing and she's trying to be all up in my business. i mean yeah if i was a teenager i could understand because there's just so much more crazy shit nowadays anyway tangent....
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Weigh In
164.2 lbs (74.5kg)
fucking gain
I knew my body and I were on a war path and today it's a perfect day for total destruction. However I'll have to keep it at a truce and see what happens today.
I was supposed to go to the doctor today but my kid is sick. NOT COOL. which means I can't take her to the day care to continue the getting used to it thingy. ughh...my ears hurt.
My body sucks ass cheeks...actually I wish it would then they wouldn't be so ginormous.
well i'd love to say i'm optimistic but i'm not.
i really need to go to the doctor but i think i'll have to push it off until tomorrow because it's cold, it's snow and i don't need my kid getting any sicker.
life's a bitch and then you die so fuck the world and let's get high...somebody wrote that on the music stand i was using in band, 7th and 8th grade. i wish i could get high right now. when life goes to shit i want to abuse a substance again. but i can't, i guess i'll just have to deal with reality.
i have a new follower...thank you
fucking gain
I knew my body and I were on a war path and today it's a perfect day for total destruction. However I'll have to keep it at a truce and see what happens today.
I was supposed to go to the doctor today but my kid is sick. NOT COOL. which means I can't take her to the day care to continue the getting used to it thingy. ughh...my ears hurt.
My body sucks ass cheeks...actually I wish it would then they wouldn't be so ginormous.
well i'd love to say i'm optimistic but i'm not.
i really need to go to the doctor but i think i'll have to push it off until tomorrow because it's cold, it's snow and i don't need my kid getting any sicker.
life's a bitch and then you die so fuck the world and let's get high...somebody wrote that on the music stand i was using in band, 7th and 8th grade. i wish i could get high right now. when life goes to shit i want to abuse a substance again. but i can't, i guess i'll just have to deal with reality.
i have a new follower...thank you
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Weigh In
162.5lbs (73.7kg)
i'm getting happy here loving the restriction more than ever
however last night it did end in a mini b/p...i couldn't say now to the pineapple and then other shit just pile on top you know. I also think i made the pineapple ok with the fact that i walked like 2 miles yesterday (1 to and 1 from the daycare)
that's the hardest thing i deal with, i do physical activity and think it's ok to eat. it's not at all. so since i'll be walking like this 5 days a week (exception of holidays), i need to remember that it's not ok.
i think the walk helped in the weight loss since yesterday since i'm usually a lazy bum.
oh well i need to stop writing i have to get mine-me and myself ready to go. i do not feel like walking through the snow hope they shoveled/swept it already
i'm getting happy here loving the restriction more than ever
however last night it did end in a mini b/p...i couldn't say now to the pineapple and then other shit just pile on top you know. I also think i made the pineapple ok with the fact that i walked like 2 miles yesterday (1 to and 1 from the daycare)
that's the hardest thing i deal with, i do physical activity and think it's ok to eat. it's not at all. so since i'll be walking like this 5 days a week (exception of holidays), i need to remember that it's not ok.
i think the walk helped in the weight loss since yesterday since i'm usually a lazy bum.
oh well i need to stop writing i have to get mine-me and myself ready to go. i do not feel like walking through the snow hope they shoveled/swept it already
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
woot woot
164lbs(74.4kg)
ok this is the easy part getting down into the 74s but I can't seem to get below it i seem to fuck up. i know this is just that quick weightloss because i went from basically binging to restricting. i know i can keep going today but sunday i'm going to my besties house but since my abdomen is still in so much pain i have an excuse. i know i need to go to the doctor but i'm going to wait until mini-me goes to daycare by herself next week to make and appointment because quite honestly she doesn't need to be there it's boring for a kid. plus i've been scarred with joining my mom into the doctors office. i had to go to the gyno with her and they did something where they used a camera (could've been ultrasound but i was somewhere between the ages of 6 and 8) yeah so i got to see the inside of my moms vajayjay which i know is natural but does a kid really need to see that? i know it's not the case at the regular doctors but just in case he decides it'd be a good idea to stick a camera in places....you know? i don't know, i have a lot of mental scarring from when i was a kid concerning the female body and sex thanks to my mother. maybe i'll get into that one day...any way where i was going with the pain was i can use it as a valid excuse not to eat. so yeah. because if i fall off this routine i can't just start all over again. i need at least 2 weeks on this in order to have the discipline to eat like a fat ass (normal in some people's term) and return to eating like a good girl that i know i can be and am being.
oh yeah the laxitives worked this morning...i took them around noon yesterday. they take 6-12 hours my ass. about 19 hours. but it might have helped i don't know. if you're tempted to eat chocolate but shouldn't just think shit looks like chocolate or chocolate looks like shit....(i check my toilet paper when i wipe...tmi sorry) so yeah think twice. i'm warning you as long as i'm feeling restrictive i might pick certain foods i feel i could possibly get into and make them sound gross
ok this is the easy part getting down into the 74s but I can't seem to get below it i seem to fuck up. i know this is just that quick weightloss because i went from basically binging to restricting. i know i can keep going today but sunday i'm going to my besties house but since my abdomen is still in so much pain i have an excuse. i know i need to go to the doctor but i'm going to wait until mini-me goes to daycare by herself next week to make and appointment because quite honestly she doesn't need to be there it's boring for a kid. plus i've been scarred with joining my mom into the doctors office. i had to go to the gyno with her and they did something where they used a camera (could've been ultrasound but i was somewhere between the ages of 6 and 8) yeah so i got to see the inside of my moms vajayjay which i know is natural but does a kid really need to see that? i know it's not the case at the regular doctors but just in case he decides it'd be a good idea to stick a camera in places....you know? i don't know, i have a lot of mental scarring from when i was a kid concerning the female body and sex thanks to my mother. maybe i'll get into that one day...any way where i was going with the pain was i can use it as a valid excuse not to eat. so yeah. because if i fall off this routine i can't just start all over again. i need at least 2 weeks on this in order to have the discipline to eat like a fat ass (normal in some people's term) and return to eating like a good girl that i know i can be and am being.
oh yeah the laxitives worked this morning...i took them around noon yesterday. they take 6-12 hours my ass. about 19 hours. but it might have helped i don't know. if you're tempted to eat chocolate but shouldn't just think shit looks like chocolate or chocolate looks like shit....(i check my toilet paper when i wipe...tmi sorry) so yeah think twice. i'm warning you as long as i'm feeling restrictive i might pick certain foods i feel i could possibly get into and make them sound gross
Monday, December 6, 2010
Weigh In
My stomach is still causing me problems but the weight is going down yippee
167.1lbs(75.8kg)
so yeah busy day today depending on energy levels i'll post an update tonight
i can't find some important paperwork which sucks ass
stay strong
muah
167.1lbs(75.8kg)
so yeah busy day today depending on energy levels i'll post an update tonight
i can't find some important paperwork which sucks ass
stay strong
muah
Sunday, December 5, 2010
so weight this morning 167.99lbs (76.2kg). Mia has not failed me this time around. Oh yeah take that swollen throat I mad you suffer but it was worth it. oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah yeah yeah.
I got a bunch of followers. wow i've never gotten so many at once. THANK YOU I LOVE YOU. I just want to point out that if I started following you it's not because you started following me. I actually sat there and read your whole blog to see if it was something I could follow back. With that I mean am I willing to read this all the time. Which usually I am. In the early days I didn't always take the time to check my followers blogs because I was still trying to catch up with the blogs I was following. Since I'm currently looking for more blogs to follow but I'm to lazy to look for them, I do sometimes check out linkage in posts or when somebody posts a comment on somebodies page i'm like let me check their blog. I love new followers because it means new blogs to read. I'm really trying to get back into my disciplined vibe and if that means reading blogs all fucking day so be it.
I'm actually hoping to naturally have it easier because monday i have a filled day and that is always awesome. i feel to much shame to eat in public by myself, i feel watched and judged on my fatness.
Speaking of inspiration need reverse thinspo? check out People of Walmart it's the funniest shit ever. I'm glad I won't ever fall victim since I can't go to Walmart over here. I finally checked it out so TearsandSorrow this link is also for you since I wrote in the comment to you reverse thinspo works for me sometimes.
Uhmm yeah I can't promise that this is my last post for the day but this is it for now.
Oh I'm seeing people vlogging...do I dare make a vid and join the cool kids? idk we'll see if I have the balls or ever find something to talk about.
I'm really thinking of fasting so whenever somebody is doing one let me know I'll try to join depending on my schedule and if I have to eat anything because I'm doing something with parentals or friends and such. but i'll try. I just don't think if I say I'm gonna fast I'll pull through so I'll wait for someone else to start and be a follower ^_^
I got a bunch of followers. wow i've never gotten so many at once. THANK YOU I LOVE YOU. I just want to point out that if I started following you it's not because you started following me. I actually sat there and read your whole blog to see if it was something I could follow back. With that I mean am I willing to read this all the time. Which usually I am. In the early days I didn't always take the time to check my followers blogs because I was still trying to catch up with the blogs I was following. Since I'm currently looking for more blogs to follow but I'm to lazy to look for them, I do sometimes check out linkage in posts or when somebody posts a comment on somebodies page i'm like let me check their blog. I love new followers because it means new blogs to read. I'm really trying to get back into my disciplined vibe and if that means reading blogs all fucking day so be it.
I'm actually hoping to naturally have it easier because monday i have a filled day and that is always awesome. i feel to much shame to eat in public by myself, i feel watched and judged on my fatness.
Speaking of inspiration need reverse thinspo? check out People of Walmart it's the funniest shit ever. I'm glad I won't ever fall victim since I can't go to Walmart over here. I finally checked it out so TearsandSorrow this link is also for you since I wrote in the comment to you reverse thinspo works for me sometimes.
Uhmm yeah I can't promise that this is my last post for the day but this is it for now.
Oh I'm seeing people vlogging...do I dare make a vid and join the cool kids? idk we'll see if I have the balls or ever find something to talk about.
I'm really thinking of fasting so whenever somebody is doing one let me know I'll try to join depending on my schedule and if I have to eat anything because I'm doing something with parentals or friends and such. but i'll try. I just don't think if I say I'm gonna fast I'll pull through so I'll wait for someone else to start and be a follower ^_^
Sunday, November 14, 2010
So restarting
once more been binging and popping laxies. not good i know. so today i've made this in an effort to start up my spreadsheet (I get my cals for unlabled foods from CalorieKing
my weight today was 166lbs (75.3kg) so it's up from the last time i checked in my weight. I'm going to start taking L-Carnitine capsules that I bought at a drug store here. It's supposed to turn fat into energy instead of letting it settle.
we'll see how it works. I'll make sure not to take in to much fat so it actually works on the fat in my body. You are supposed to produce it yourself or it can also be found in Lamb and Pork but I don't eat those.
I feel the discipline today let's hope it stays. The test comes when I'm cooking for mini-me.
Stay Strong
MUAH
my weight today was 166lbs (75.3kg) so it's up from the last time i checked in my weight. I'm going to start taking L-Carnitine capsules that I bought at a drug store here. It's supposed to turn fat into energy instead of letting it settle.
we'll see how it works. I'll make sure not to take in to much fat so it actually works on the fat in my body. You are supposed to produce it yourself or it can also be found in Lamb and Pork but I don't eat those.
I feel the discipline today let's hope it stays. The test comes when I'm cooking for mini-me.
Stay Strong
MUAH
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Confusion
So today my weight is at 164.9lbs (74.8kg). Whaaat? I ate my weight in chocolate yesterday (not really but it was a lot, at least 1000cals just in chocolate). I did take laxies last night. Took about 9 hours to kick in. Recommended dosage is 1 or 2 so I took 2. Not as much as I was expecting came out but hey whatever I'm not mad.
I'm fitting into pants I haven't fit since summer.
So I've got to keep this one short, I have an appointment in an hour.
Stay Strong
MUAH
I'm fitting into pants I haven't fit since summer.
So I've got to keep this one short, I have an appointment in an hour.
Stay Strong
MUAH
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Ughhhhhhh
My weight went up. I'm at 166.7lbs (75.6kg) I mean we're talking about grams here but still not cool. Mia has failed me again. I'm glad.
Monday if I leave the house I'm buying laxitives. I was thinking of ordering some online from the UK on ebay because I just have the feeling German ones are just not as strong. I don't know but I feel weird going into the Pharmacy and saying something like "yo give me the strongest laxies you guys got!!!" I just feel like I haven't been shitting like I need to I want to empty my bowels out a bit. I know I could do a saltwater flush but the last time I did that I was in the bathroom for like 2 hours. I kid you not. That shit was painful and I was scared to go to sleep. What does it look like for a grown ass woman shitting herself in her sleep. Peeing would be bad enough.
So on a side note. I've been writing with this guy online who seems to be my type. Well anyway so today he tells me he's a cook. This is freaking me out. It's not even at a point where we're talking about meeting but the fact that he's a cook freaks me out. I already want to sabotage it before it even has any potential to get headed in that direction. This is why I'm still single. I'll always do or say something to make me seem undesirable (as if weight and a pregnancy deformed body wasn't enough). I'm going to wait on answering him. Get over this seemingly silly freak out. I couldn't find my Aerobics DVD so today I'm going to look on free videos online or podcasts or something. If I find anything I'll make sure to post it.
Stay Strong
MUAH
Friday, November 5, 2010
Restart once again
WARNING THERE WILL BE A FOOD PICTURE POSTED SO IF IT TRIGGERS I'M SORRY. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!!!!
Yeah I totally got off track with Halloween. It's rather ridiculous. Before I get into the Halloween part I'm posting the regular.
An incredible weight gain. I am this morning at 168.9lbs (76.6kg). WTF right? No not what the fuck, it's you deserve this shit fatty. Eating over a 1000 cals these past few days, not drinking enough liquids. All because you fucked up on sunday night coming back from the club...more on that later.
My thing is that I have to follow a certain routine every day in order to be completely successful. I know what works for me and I need to do that every day. The problem is when I stray and I can't follow this routine I get off track. It starts with leaving one thing off the list and ends with me eating to much shit. I mean really my routine is not that hard to follow. It's quite simple really.
Morning:
1L of tea
Lunch:
Food or Soy Shake
Dinner:
1L of tea or something liquid
Sleep
I mean is that really that hard? I didn't think so. But I stray, or better yet strayed. I'll just have to plan any discrepancies in way ahead of time so I can make the proper adjustments.
So Halloween it was AWESOME, on the party front. I drank plenty of Vodka Energy and Cosmos. Honestly I don't even want to know the calorie count. I was drunk but at least the night didn't end like the last time I drank with my whole hand down my throat and my besty there to witness.
Well I ended up once again admitting to Ana. But I did try to explain (I was drunk though) how Ana is much better than Mia. I told one of my friends that I wish I was as thin as her (she's underweight stick thin and wants to gain), and she was like No you are great at the size you are blah blah blah. I was just thinking in my head I love you and all but bitch you're not the one looking like a whale in every picture we take together.
So anyway this is where the night went wrong on the way back from the club we stopped and had Döners.
I'm including a picture so it could be triggering.
Me being drunk I'
m walking around with all this meat and yogurt sauce talking about "Guys the funny thing is I'm actually vegan". I do lots of stupid shit when I'm drunk. People think I'm retarded sober? catch me drunk.
So I ate all that crap on the drunk munchies. I hate drunk munchies.
Then once we get back we go to this dudes house (my besty's neighbor) and watch youtube videos. Angry black man at walmart. which really wasn't that funny sober the next day. Anyway so dude passes around a j. I'm not sure if it was green or brown. Either way without thinking I smoked. I know I never should have again but on one hand I'm glad I did. It showed me, I don't want it anymore. It wasn't all that great. I just had killer cotton mouth and nothing to drink. Maybe I should have smoked it before I ate because it's still an appetite killer which on that end does make it appealing to me. Yeah but that Döner is what sent me on a downwards path of eating these past few days. It seems so simple you fuck up and then you fix it the next day. But my whole routine got fucked. I hate that I need to do the same shit every day.
In other news...there aren't any really I'm getting back on track.
I have a new follower. yay. thank you. I'm actually reading through your blog now.
Yeah I totally got off track with Halloween. It's rather ridiculous. Before I get into the Halloween part I'm posting the regular.
An incredible weight gain. I am this morning at 168.9lbs (76.6kg). WTF right? No not what the fuck, it's you deserve this shit fatty. Eating over a 1000 cals these past few days, not drinking enough liquids. All because you fucked up on sunday night coming back from the club...more on that later.
My thing is that I have to follow a certain routine every day in order to be completely successful. I know what works for me and I need to do that every day. The problem is when I stray and I can't follow this routine I get off track. It starts with leaving one thing off the list and ends with me eating to much shit. I mean really my routine is not that hard to follow. It's quite simple really.
Morning:
1L of tea
Lunch:
Food or Soy Shake
Dinner:
1L of tea or something liquid
Sleep
I mean is that really that hard? I didn't think so. But I stray, or better yet strayed. I'll just have to plan any discrepancies in way ahead of time so I can make the proper adjustments.
So Halloween it was AWESOME, on the party front. I drank plenty of Vodka Energy and Cosmos. Honestly I don't even want to know the calorie count. I was drunk but at least the night didn't end like the last time I drank with my whole hand down my throat and my besty there to witness.
Well I ended up once again admitting to Ana. But I did try to explain (I was drunk though) how Ana is much better than Mia. I told one of my friends that I wish I was as thin as her (she's underweight stick thin and wants to gain), and she was like No you are great at the size you are blah blah blah. I was just thinking in my head I love you and all but bitch you're not the one looking like a whale in every picture we take together.
So anyway this is where the night went wrong on the way back from the club we stopped and had Döners.
I'm including a picture so it could be triggering.
Me being drunk I'
m walking around with all this meat and yogurt sauce talking about "Guys the funny thing is I'm actually vegan". I do lots of stupid shit when I'm drunk. People think I'm retarded sober? catch me drunk.So I ate all that crap on the drunk munchies. I hate drunk munchies.
Then once we get back we go to this dudes house (my besty's neighbor) and watch youtube videos. Angry black man at walmart. which really wasn't that funny sober the next day. Anyway so dude passes around a j. I'm not sure if it was green or brown. Either way without thinking I smoked. I know I never should have again but on one hand I'm glad I did. It showed me, I don't want it anymore. It wasn't all that great. I just had killer cotton mouth and nothing to drink. Maybe I should have smoked it before I ate because it's still an appetite killer which on that end does make it appealing to me. Yeah but that Döner is what sent me on a downwards path of eating these past few days. It seems so simple you fuck up and then you fix it the next day. But my whole routine got fucked. I hate that I need to do the same shit every day.
In other news...there aren't any really I'm getting back on track.
I have a new follower. yay. thank you. I'm actually reading through your blog now.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
urrrgh
So morning weight was 161.8lbs (73.4kg). As predicted the weight went up.
As far as food intake I feel like a glutton.
Chai Tea Latte (Tall)~ 170cals
Rice Tofu Stuff already prepackaged (250g)~ 576cals
Coke Zero~ 0cals
Total~ 746cals
Today wasn't a lack of control even if I feel like it. I'm going to be drinking tomorrow so I want to get my body used to extra calories. I'm going to a halloween party tomorrow. I'm so excited Halloween is awesome. Depending on how fat I look I'll post pictures.
I did a lot of walking today though so hopefully I burned a lot of calories. I went to a trade show.
Stay strong
muah
As far as food intake I feel like a glutton.
Chai Tea Latte (Tall)~ 170cals
Rice Tofu Stuff already prepackaged (250g)~ 576cals
Coke Zero~ 0cals
Total~ 746cals
Today wasn't a lack of control even if I feel like it. I'm going to be drinking tomorrow so I want to get my body used to extra calories. I'm going to a halloween party tomorrow. I'm so excited Halloween is awesome. Depending on how fat I look I'll post pictures.
I did a lot of walking today though so hopefully I burned a lot of calories. I went to a trade show.
Stay strong
muah
Friday, October 29, 2010
oh yeah
Weight on my untrustworthy scale 160.9lbs (73kg).
That makes me happy. I think I'll stick to this scale until I hit my UGW and then if my scale is to low it'll be less of a hit to my motivation. In the back of my mind I know it's probably wrong but right now I need this drop in weight to keep me going. Psychological tricks against myself. Although I do want certainty but I just can't afford certainty right now.
I drank more yesterday and didn't eat bread or anything. I think I'll leave bread, rice, and potatoes out of my evening diet. Or I'll just stick to liquids, soy shakes, and salads.
Anyway off to a new day.
Stay Strong
MUAH
That makes me happy. I think I'll stick to this scale until I hit my UGW and then if my scale is to low it'll be less of a hit to my motivation. In the back of my mind I know it's probably wrong but right now I need this drop in weight to keep me going. Psychological tricks against myself. Although I do want certainty but I just can't afford certainty right now.
I drank more yesterday and didn't eat bread or anything. I think I'll leave bread, rice, and potatoes out of my evening diet. Or I'll just stick to liquids, soy shakes, and salads.
Anyway off to a new day.
Stay Strong
MUAH
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)