sometimes when i see white snow i wish i was a guy so i could pee my name in it

pathetic just pathetic the fail and the win both of them...
so first to the fail
my weight
167.1lbs (75.8kg)
fatty mcfatfat is throwing a party right now. A gain a fucking gain. I'm going to tell myself that it's because of the onion soup (we all know onions cause bloating) and not fall into a pit of complete self-loathing

let's see my win
I can purge again. Ok before we start on the i want to quit, i want to repeat that my win is pathetic. here are my thoughts on it: yes i know i want to leave mia's ass. it's love/hate all the way. sometimes i want to stay with her. however having my purging ability stolen from me made me angry. I'M the one that get's to decide when this relationship between us is over. you can't just take it away from me. it's the whole i'm breaking up with you, you're NOT breaking up with me thing going on.
so last night i made myself another soup then fried some bread in soy sauce and put it in the soup. then i purged it and it made me happy.

so today i went to the pharmacy to buy me some laxies, because they make me happy in the intestine.
me: i need some laxitives but the pills please.
lady: ok what kind (names the brand)
me: yeah those are fine
lady: do you want the 20 pills, 50, or 100
me: how much are they
lady: 4.50, 7.50, 14.95
me: i'll take the 100
i then pay and am so happy i want to just pee my pants. it's like yes i have 100 laxitives no questions asked. hope she doesn't remember me once that pack is done when i go back to her. oh it made me so happy. it's like support for my disorderedness
i know i'm a tard.

sometimes i wish all the people i've gotten to know on here that we could just meet up hang out. however looking at it realistically it would destroy the anonymity some of us try to maintain on here and might be akward. i'm by nature an akward person. i mean yeah i actually show my real me on here or rather write it but people make me nervous i guess that's why i got diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. but i'm just saying. it be great to have friends to hang out with that really get what you're going through. i mean i have very few real life friends. most of them don't live anywhere near me...make that all. my besty lives 40mins by car from me. and if i had a car that wouldn't be a problem. the train costs money so yeah....not the point i was getting at, but i know she can't completely comprehend what the deal is even though she gets every other aspect of me, anyway just saying i wish i had people like you guys to hang out with. people that don't pressure me into eating because "you don't eat enough"..."oh i think i do you just don't see it."
in other news mia girly is going into a rehab center to help her recover, in about 2 months is check in. guess who's going to be visiting her? yep you got it, me. this rehab center is focused only on eating disorders. AKWARD. i'm really happy they're getting help but i know i'm going to be like THINSPIRATION, THINSPIRATION, THINSPIRATION. that's just how my sick mind works...

so guys stay strong
i have been so far, i haven't eaten anything at all yet today.
MUAH