so here's the gist of things

i went to my appointment this morning to talk about my future working and stuff then found out it's the wrong agency because i've already learned a trade. great fucking bureaucratic fucktards. not only does it take forever to get shit done they can't get shit done right. doesn't help that i'm still in abdominal pain however i went and got some drops today, yes laxitive drops i took them earlier and i hope they do the trick because i'm not doing to well with this pain.

so i think like 2-3 posts ago i wrote a letter to food. oh yeah i was sincere. today i went to my daughters new day care to sign paperwork and shit and afterwards i asked my mom to stop at the grocery store. i wanted to get cigarettes bananas and something low cal i could eat. i'm feeling like starvin' marvin because besides the two little pieces of my daughters pretzel (one when i bought it and one when i contemplated finishing it off but didn't because it made me feel ugh) i've eaten nothing solid today.
so i'm going in the bananas look like shit, i'm sorry as much as mini-me wanted some i'm not paying for bananas that come with a free serving of fruit flies. so then i saw the pre-cut pineapple and bought one of those. i then scrounged around by the tofu area and i wanted to buy some flavorized tofu (you know with peppers or some shit) but then it didn't have the calorie label. and so i start walking around looking for something quick easy and low cal checking all the labels and seriously just trying to find something that wouldn't let me go over 500cals. reading everything, so eventually i bought some overpriced tortillas with some guacamole dip. the dip ain't that tasty but it's spice one plus point, had 2 tortillas 140 cals each. so not to bad. but anyway i was finally grocery shopping with a restrictive mind. not a what can i binge on mentality but a oh no, to many cals in this to many cals in that. it felt great. then i took a picture of this:

those Nutella jars besides being freakishly expensive have 1400g in them, 1.4kg, 3lbs. And then people wonder about the growing obesity rate. Monster jars of chocolate poison that sorry just because the german national soccer team makes commercials for it doesn't mean it's good for you.
oh yeah i've got the restrictive mentality back for now and it makes me happy. i have to get out of the 70's and head closer to the 50's because there's no way in hell i'm going through the same weight struggles all of next year. fuck that shit. it's not happening.
My rules
RESTRICT
RESTRICT
RESTRICT
anything to much
PURGE
PURGE
PURGE
attempt to start a fast. which i wanted to join Fading Figure but I have to go to my daughters day care with her all week and I don't want to risk dizzyness with all those children around. once she starts going and i just drop her off it's on.

oh and at the grocery store some teen bitch decided to say "she could have said excuse me." now i don't know if she was talking to me but i had to go behind her again real quick to get my nicotine sticks and she looked at me and i just gave her the i-wish-you-would-bitch look. she was quiet after that so i'm guessing she was referring to me however i don't remember being rude in anyway because i'm not a rude person and i always say excuse me even though somtimes i wonder why. yeah i wish she would have i could've taken her ass, all it woulda taken is my lard ass sitting on her and she would've been done. These cramps make me angry as if i was pmsing so i'm feeling unusually hostile toward human kind.

oh forgot to mention this morning i'm walking through town to get to my bus stop and this extremely skinny chicky with like a huge gap between her legs and i mean like a toddler could walk inbetween her legs while she's standing normal walked past. she was gorgeous and then she lit a cigarette. it makes you wonder doesn't it how many people suffer from disordered eating. i mean i'm not saying she does because i doubt i have an e.dar (e.d.+radar) but just saying
that's it for now
stay strong
muah
p.s. sorry for the jumbledness