urrrgh

So morning weight was 161.8lbs (73.4kg). As predicted the weight went up.
As far as food intake I feel like a glutton.
Chai Tea Latte (Tall)~ 170cals
Rice Tofu Stuff already prepackaged (250g)~ 576cals
Coke Zero~ 0cals
Total~ 746cals

Today wasn't a lack of control even if I feel like it. I'm going to be drinking tomorrow so I want to get my body used to extra calories. I'm going to a halloween party tomorrow. I'm so excited Halloween is awesome. Depending on how fat I look I'll post pictures.
I did a lot of walking today though so hopefully I burned a lot of calories. I went to a trade show.

Stay strong
muah

And Today...

watched two interesting documentaries
Why Are Thin People Not Fat
How To Be Slim

hope the links work if not I found them on the YouTube Channel from annawillpower.

Today I ate

Bread(35g)~75.25cals
w/Margarine(9g)~ 56.7cals
&Tomato(65g)~ 12cals
Total~ 143.95cals

Soy-Rice Milk(500mL)~235cals
w/Raspberries(100g)~33cals
Total~ 268cals

Coke Zero~ 0cals

Grand Total~411.95

Why does that number look huge to me?
I feel like I only should've had the shake.
Going to be walking around a lot tomorrow so here's to burning calories.
I have a feeling my weight will have gone up...I can't seem to shit must remember to put flaxseeds in my shake tomorrow!!!

oh yeah

Weight on my untrustworthy scale 160.9lbs (73kg).
That makes me happy. I think I'll stick to this scale until I hit my UGW and then if my scale is to low it'll be less of a hit to my motivation. In the back of my mind I know it's probably wrong but right now I need this drop in weight to keep me going. Psychological tricks against myself. Although I do want certainty but I just can't afford certainty right now.
I drank more yesterday and didn't eat bread or anything. I think I'll leave bread, rice, and potatoes out of my evening diet. Or I'll just stick to liquids, soy shakes, and salads.
Anyway off to a new day.
Stay Strong
MUAH

Food and Weight

This morning my weight was 74.4kg so a slight increase. I'm going to blame it on the tiny amount of liquids I consumed yesterday be angry and get over it.
Today I had
254g of Pineapple~ 127cals (glad I reweighed it because the packaging said 240g)
Coke Zero~0 cals
Soy-Rice Milk (250ml 117.5cals) & Blueberries (65g 20.8cals)~ 138.3 cals
Salad with Lettuce (20g 3cals), Tomatoes (71g 13cals), Tofu (98g 117.6cals) and salt, pepper and vinegar (0 cals)~133.6cals
Total 398.9 cals consumed

I'm done for the day...should I fuck up I'll post a new entry
Stay Strong
MUAH

Intake (will get edited should anything else be consumed)

2 pieces of chocolate turns out only~ 44 cals
Bread (165.7) with Soy Margerine (50.4) with Lettuce (6)~ 222.1 cals
Coke Zero~ 0

Total so far~ 266.1

Maybe I'm weird but even if I'm careful of counting all the cals separate like in the sandwich I'm always paranoid that by them combining the total cal count will go up higher like by combining more cals are created...I'm seriously thinking of separating everything in the future to not let my food touch. If someone could convince me that it's not the case please do so...on one side I feel crazy but on the other it feels logical

First Dizzy Spell

Aside from 2 pieces of chocolate (60 cals<--waste of cals seriously) and a bit of coke zero i've had nothing else today. So I'm following mini me to her room I get so dizzy i barely know where I am then i find the arm rest to the couch, sit and my body just jerks around a bit trying to find its center. WTF. Still I'm not hungry and I refuse to eat unless I am... Also I'm super proud I went grocery shopping today and only bought mini me's snacks and 2 bags of iceberg lettuce, pack of tomatoes, a cucumber, some bread and 2x 2L Coke Zero oh and Soy Milk light only 29cals for 100ml...AWESOME

New Weight

So I just took a shit (sorry for the TMI) and I was like ok let me weigh myself again, and then when I stepped on the scale it was all crooked and uneven so I evened it out with my Microwaves instructions book and low and behold 163.4lbs (74.1kg) whaat. I feel so much better and so much more motivated. However I now have doubts about my weight because I'm not sure as to how correct my scale actually is. I mean it stands evenly now and doesn't teeter totter from side to side, and I can't afford a new one. What I'll do is stick to the weight that's on there now and if I should have a surplus of money I'll buy a new scale.

Weight

@Lola, yeah I know I lost a kilo in a short time honestly I think it's water weight because today I stepped on the scale it was
165.1lbs (74.9kg) I'm actually a bit disappointed I was hoping for more but I honestly didn't drink enough yesterday.
Yesterday I had:
Chocolate
Soy-Rice/Raspberry Shake
Tea
A jar of baby food Apple Banana
495 cals total
I don't know I was expecting more but if this headache is anything to go by I know I'm not drinking enough. I need to drink more. I know this. It's hard. I hate living in Germany when it comes to no-cal drinks. Coke-Zero is all good but the added Caffeine keeps me from going to sleep at night. Murrrrrrrrrrrr
Well anyway it's time to get ready and start handling business. So much to do today. I have to get my meds from the pharmacy, hope they have them and I don't have to wait.

Weigh In

So this morning my weight is at
165.6lbs （75.1kg）
I am so happy.　This reaffirms my restriction. Gives me strength to continue. Right now I'm just going to restrict, restrict, restrict, until the scale starts stalling a bit. Then I'll give myself a higher calorie day. I think for now staying under 500cals is the best choice for me. I'm going to ease myself into less and a possible fast. I think I'd just set myself up for failure if I tried to do a fast or something. I'm just getting out of a no-control/binge phase.
Yesterdays post helped with the no binging I was actually thinking of your comment Avani saying to post when a binge is coming on. It worked. Thanks
So guys my tea is done steeping
Stay Strong
MUAH

DON'T EAT

I'm trying hard not to eat. I feel hungry now. I need to embrace this feeling. I'm blogging right now so I don't go in the kitchen and look for something to eat. That would be dangerous.
NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!!
I don't ever want to binge again. I want to loose all the fat and excess weight. I want to be thin. I want visible bones. I want to be happy. I want to embrace this hunger and fall in love with it again. I'm just imagining that while I feel the hunger fat is being eaten up from my gut, back, thighs, arms, face, etc.

I just want everyone to know I'm still reading blogs I know I haven't been commenting much lately. I'm sorry it just seems that I can't seem to always find the right words in response to your blogs.

Supernatural is coming on so I'll say good-night and I'm going to sleep after wards. Can't eat while I sleep. And I'm going to enjoy this hungry feeling because it means I'm doing the right thing, I'm following the right path. I'm hoping to work my way to a fast. Of course I'm taking it slow I'm just getting my control back.
Bye Bye Mia, Hello Ana
Stay Strong
MUAH

Intake

Total Intake
Potatoes with Apple Red Cabbage~ 400cals (which is a guesstimate because I fried the potatoes with a bit of maple syrup and oil so I rounded up a bit)
Tea~ 30 cals
Chocolate~137cals
Total 567
yaay under 600 it's been so long since I've kept it so low. It's about damn time. I'm back to stay this time. I'm glad there won't be thanksgiving since fahja ain't here. Events like that make my control falter.
I actually put my food scale to use and weighed everything.
Threw my daughters dinner leftovers away (bread w/ cream cheese)
I got this blogger award for pro-ana blogs. It's awesome and I feel honored but I seriously wonder about their criteria.
Stay Strong
MUAH

おはよ

So my weight has gone down once more. This is so motivating.
Just got off the scale I'm 167.8lbs (76.1kg).
Yaay. Ok obviously this isn't my goal weight however I'm finally back on track.
I didn't update this weekend because I stayed at with my lovely grandparents at my moms house since they are returning home on tomorrow. Today I'll be spending more time with them and then that's it. However it's been not so hard controlling my eating, and I really hope it stays that way. Since I just woke up and my brain's still zombie-ish I don't know what to write anymore. I'm gonna make my tea.
Stay Strong
MUAH

Renee Zellweger....

is freaking hot in Chicago.
I watched the movie last night and just had to post some pictures.

Scale is going doooooooown

i'm excited today I'm at 168.4lbs(76.4kg) which is exciting I know I wanted to count cals but since I was to lazy to cook I ordered out so I didn't know the cals I had a salad some bruschetta and some pizza for dinner. It was almost like a binge I felt bad but at the same time the scale didn't retaliate.
I started taking my meds again and please remind me as to why I ever stopped...total appetite killer. or maybe because i'm starting up again. my therapist ripped me a new one about not taking my meds. I don't like him to much anymore so i didn't tell him about mia also he didn't really ask me if i had anything to say.
anyway i've been doing good without her.
so my couch came yesterday...i even have to put that shit together. WTF are you serious?? so I didn't succeed because some of the pieces are to heavy for me to lift hold and get into the right spots to get the screws in so my grandpa is helping me today. i'll be sleeping at my moms house tonight with mini me because she's gone overnight and my grandparents are going back home tuesday and we just wanna spend some time together.
okay gotta go clean up a bit and drink my morning tea
stay strong
muah

A new day starts with a new layout

After so much drama with my stove I am now officially starting over.
Today is going to be a good day and not just because I'm finally getting my couch delivered.

So to the interesting part
Today's weight: 170.9lbs (77.5kg)
I wish it was lower but hey if I didn't I wouldn't be motivated. I don't really have any high cal foods in the house so I'm good. I'll be mostly drinking soy-rice milk with some fruit. I bought blue berries, strawberries and raspberries. I'm pretty excited. Food will probably be something along the lines of potatoes and veggies and maybe tofu. So plain but good.
Anything I eat today I plan on writing down so I can keep my eye on my calorie intake again.
Well I'm going to go make a liter of tea and then go on unpacking boxes and such.
Stay Strong
MUAH

My new ringtone

so i downloaded this bands called The Piass' music because i heard some of their stuff liked it. they happened to have a song called fat fetishism i set it as my ringtone then i was like well this song is awesome so i decided to look it up and well wow so fitting:

Oh very FAT go on eating forever
not satisfy a hunger
bound flabby breathe very feebly
go up and down the stairs

So FAT go on increase forever
can't stop gain weight
reveal the big belly
watching MTV on couch

Oh very FAT go on eating hard
not satisfy a glutton
eating and sleeping
don't have an ounce of do exercise

So FAT go on increase very hard
a miracle cell
can't even see my own genitals
without mirror

I am FAT I want to lose weight
but I want to eat

what should I do for lose weight

I know the grammar is a ｂit off however it's a japanese band, give them some slack.

A new day tomorrow so excited. still having problems with the oven on my stove but now i have to go finish my kitchen and living room.

100th Post

ok so this is post 100 which is the main reason why it has taken me so long to update this blog i wanted it to be special and not filled with whining.
i'm currently waiting to get in to see my shrink the question is how honest will i be about MIA hmmmmm... we'll see however this isn't what i want this blog to be about.
So on to the good things:
1. my stove is finally supposed to get hooked up today. it was delivered monday and the delivery boys couldn't hook it up because of a missing cable then they were supposed to send someone that day but they never came i call tuesday they can't make it happen until today. oh well it's happening today i'm happy because it means a complete kitchen finally yippee!!!!!!
2. i'm grabbing control by the neck and choking that bitch until she complies. i'm going to restart over and that means COMING SOON a new page layout and stuff my goals and stuff aren't changing however i need to change stuff around so i can get back to where i was when i first started this thing. now with my completed kitchen i don't have any more excuses. it's the first time i'm excited about grocery shopping in a long time because i can actually buy preparable stuff.
3. I was somewhere around 76 kg so no longer 78-79-80ish phew its coming together
4. Mia has lost some control over me i'm not binging recently

so many happy news but i know it's not luck it's iron willed control and i have to get it back and keep it. without mia and right now i'm walking away from her and i haven't so much as glanced back.

i might post tonight to update you guys on everything else but can't promise since i'm doing lots of unpacking because my couch is coming friday

wow

my first binge free day in i don't know how long.
well today i had a salad
2 slices off a small pizza (24cm diameter)
3 pieces of bruschetta
1/4 pear
and that's it. whaaaaaat
i mean reading it it's a lot but seriously that's nothing compared to the past few weeks.
then this evening i reread my old blog entries filled with discipline and calorie counting. i'm going to regain those days. starting monday i'll have a full kitchen. only thing missing now is the stove. welcome back healthy food, good bye quick fixes. welcome food scale.
i'm excited.

murrr

so basically i still can't leave the b/p cycle. i always tell myself just do it, but I can't seem to just do it. why? i don't know. I don't even know when a binge is coming anymore I just get up and get a shitload of food. i can resist buying it now but i'll just look for anything i can find. it sucks ass cheeks seriously.
since it's morning now i hope to keep my discipline

i wish

my friend made this of me...I wish I had that body, I think she used a funny pic of me b/c I look kinda disgusted maybe I'm looking at my fat self lol.

So I still can't control my binge and purges except today I planned to binge AND purge but it turned into just a binge. I couldn't purge. it wouldn't come up. i tried and tried chugged water like i was about to enter the desert for a few days without supplies. it just wouldn't come out. i stuck my hand so deep down my throat and nothing. just a bit of water. wtf. i'm glad i didn't have any vomit inducing agents because today i would have went for it. i'm seriously considering laxatives. but i can't get any until monday because here in germany everything is closed on sundays...dammit. i have some flax seed i know they are high cal but fuck it i'm about to drink them with some soy-rice milk tonight and probably all day tomorrow. it feels so disgusting to have this in me.

i need to stop this vicious cycle and i know for a fact that the only way to do that is to just stop. kinda like when i got tired of being a fat ass and just decided i was going to actually loose weight. nothing is going to happen until we start right?
i want to feel hungry again. i did so well during the day to. i turned down eating with my mom and grandparents. they didn't say anything my mom just bitched about how she had to eat food prepared with soy margarine instead of butter...bitch you know you didn't taste a difference...bitching to be bitching i tell ya. evening came and failure approached. i can even feel it taking over my life. i don't want to deal with people because i can't binge when i'm out.
i had a friend spend the night a few days ago i hated it. i couldn't do a b/p session. i mean looking back it makes me happy but still this is why it needs to go. getting out of eating is easier still because i'm not skinny so people are still like it's ok. well my grandpa was saying i need to eat but i just said i'm not hungry and my grandma said "if she doesn't want to she doesn't need to, let her do her thing she's been doing so well loosing weight" why do people think i lost weight? bitches i've gained weight and not an insignificant amount either.
i went to visit my besty yesterday it was awesome. she knows about my mia habits and i told her i wanted to get help, she's happy. she wanted me to stop always but she's the type who understands stopping ain't happening until the person wants it. i love her so much. i wish i actually lived near her i know i could stop with her help because she would totally kick my ass (not really but you know what i mean) and be on me because she'd know i'm trying to quit.
anyway sorry i haven't commented but i've been reading
love all you guys
stay strong
MUAH

ok i need to clear something up about the 650

at the end it said 650 cals a week i meant women who twice a week eat only 650 cals a day are at a lower risk for breast cancer...sorry although 650 a week is something most of us strive for but realistically it's not healthy...yeah

thank you for your comments they made me feel a lot better!!! Love you guys

So through with that bitch

I'm referring to Mia. I know I enjoy a good purge like the next person but I've realized that she's got to get out of my life. At first it was just a control method. Eat and purge until I have my discipline. Then just to control the moments when I had to eat for the sake of others. Lately she's taken over. I binge binge binge and then purge purge purge. It's not even a matter of weight control anymore. Don't get me wrong I want to loose weight (which I've been a failure at), I just can't control it anymore. I go to bed and wake up with good intentions but I leave the house and go grocery shopping (unavoidable with a kid), and all the bullshit food wanders into my basket. I then proceed to check out, spend waaaay to much money, go home and binge and purge. I eat food designated for my kid (her treats) and purge it. Then the next day I have to go repeat that cycle because my kid obviously has to eat. It has not become a matter of weight but a matter of addiction. I am a failure.
Brittany I promised to do the thing with you for 6 weeks but I've completely failed. I am sorry.
So I just took the initiative and e-mailed a psychologist who not only specializes in my current issues but also eating disorders and I hope to get an appointment, which could take a while (waiting for a spot is like 6-12 months over here...I guess this city is filled with nuts). I want to leave Mia behind. It's funny because I love(d) her more than Ana. I want Ana back though. But when you constantly binge there's no room for Ana.
Mia also hasn't kept her promise, I'm creeping up on 80kg. Not cool.
I hope this guy can help me leave Mia behind. I had good times but I don't feel the same about her anymore, but I can't do it on my own.
I know I was supposed to take a few days off from here but I found what I needed quicker. So yeah I'm back.
Stay Strong
MUAH

EDIT: oh I saw on Tv today that women who strictly only eat 650 cals a week are at a lower risk for breast cancer. for any of you fellow germans/speakers/understanders I saw it on Punkt 12 so you might find it on the RTL website

Food must be going out of style

because these past two days i've consumed it like it has been. i'm sure i consumed between 4000-5000 cals. and i haven't even purged. i feel like i'm sick of food however. hopefully tomorrow i can keep myself in check. i'm at the point where food disgusts me. now i just have to keep that attitude. my back is almost all the way better. tomorrow i'm going to attempt the step aerobics veideo. i would start tonight but my stomach hurts so bad and i feel so nauseous that i don't know how much i can move. i mean yeah i should probably go purge because i don't even want to know my weight when i step on my scale tomorrow. i'm guesstimating i've probably went back over 80kg. disgusting i know but maybe that's what i need right now. i think i need that shock right now to show me eating does nothing but get you fat. i can actually trace my exact descent into getting fatty again. allowing myself to partake in fatty foods at a bbq this summer. i think it was the second weekend in july. i know long time ago right? but when i get around certain people where i have to prove that i eat like a normal person i loose the discipline if i allow a little bit of leeway then i just overdo shit. i always overdo shit. seriously it's disgusting. i'm disgusting. food is disgusting.
it just turns into fat. i know i'm only eating because the additives in it. i miss weed maybe i'm eating to make up for it, idk. but it's not an excuse. i'm feeling so sick right now because of all the food that i don't even ever want to eat again. and if i do eat it'll be baby food. it's not solid and it's low cal. one glass is enough as well to get you full. if i eat i just need to think after every bite and wonder if i'm still even hungry. i need to only eat when i'm hungry and stop plotting and planning binges. i need to stop eating to the point where i feel i should purge. because right now i'd love to purge but i know i must really punish myself. feeling sick is my punishment. fat asses like me don't deserve to feel happiness.
you know what's funny even if a woman is bigger than me and i would feel like shit looking like she does, i feel that she is still pretty. i envy her for being able to carry her weight so well and wonder why i can't. however sometimes when i see girls smaller than me (not very hard) i'll envy them but still think to myself i wouldn't even be happy at that size a little bit smaller would be better....
and now it's is seriously time to stop whining. i know i've said it many times but this time it's. i'm swearing of junk food. i will be 100% vegan in my diet. no excuses. if i feel the need to binge they must me vegan too. however i hope to not binge anytime soon because, and this is something i should never forget FOOD IS DISGUSTING it is vile and it makes me FAT. food should never be consumed for my own pleasure but only to get "ignorant" people off my back, and even then only enough to satisfy them!!!
Seriously food has got to go, i should only really buy food for my little one. i should really just allow myself baby food and fruit and vegetables in raw form. i wish i had a kitchen already so i could make myself protein shakes.
oh well enough bitching
FUCK FOOD
stay strong
muah