Food must be going out of style

because these past two days i've consumed it like it has been. i'm sure i consumed between 4000-5000 cals. and i haven't even purged. i feel like i'm sick of food however. hopefully tomorrow i can keep myself in check. i'm at the point where food disgusts me. now i just have to keep that attitude. my back is almost all the way better. tomorrow i'm going to attempt the step aerobics veideo. i would start tonight but my stomach hurts so bad and i feel so nauseous that i don't know how much i can move. i mean yeah i should probably go purge because i don't even want to know my weight when i step on my scale tomorrow. i'm guesstimating i've probably went back over 80kg. disgusting i know but maybe that's what i need right now. i think i need that shock right now to show me eating does nothing but get you fat. i can actually trace my exact descent into getting fatty again. allowing myself to partake in fatty foods at a bbq this summer. i think it was the second weekend in july. i know long time ago right? but when i get around certain people where i have to prove that i eat like a normal person i loose the discipline if i allow a little bit of leeway then i just overdo shit. i always overdo shit. seriously it's disgusting. i'm disgusting. food is disgusting.
it just turns into fat. i know i'm only eating because the additives in it. i miss weed maybe i'm eating to make up for it, idk. but it's not an excuse. i'm feeling so sick right now because of all the food that i don't even ever want to eat again. and if i do eat it'll be baby food. it's not solid and it's low cal. one glass is enough as well to get you full. if i eat i just need to think after every bite and wonder if i'm still even hungry. i need to only eat when i'm hungry and stop plotting and planning binges. i need to stop eating to the point where i feel i should purge. because right now i'd love to purge but i know i must really punish myself. feeling sick is my punishment. fat asses like me don't deserve to feel happiness.
you know what's funny even if a woman is bigger than me and i would feel like shit looking like she does, i feel that she is still pretty. i envy her for being able to carry her weight so well and wonder why i can't. however sometimes when i see girls smaller than me (not very hard) i'll envy them but still think to myself i wouldn't even be happy at that size a little bit smaller would be better....
and now it's is seriously time to stop whining. i know i've said it many times but this time it's. i'm swearing of junk food. i will be 100% vegan in my diet. no excuses. if i feel the need to binge they must me vegan too. however i hope to not binge anytime soon because, and this is something i should never forget FOOD IS DISGUSTING it is vile and it makes me FAT. food should never be consumed for my own pleasure but only to get "ignorant" people off my back, and even then only enough to satisfy them!!!
Seriously food has got to go, i should only really buy food for my little one. i should really just allow myself baby food and fruit and vegetables in raw form. i wish i had a kitchen already so i could make myself protein shakes.
oh well enough bitching
FUCK FOOD
stay strong
muah