i wish

my friend made this of me...I wish I had that body, I think she used a funny pic of me b/c I look kinda disgusted maybe I'm looking at my fat self lol.

So I still can't control my binge and purges except today I planned to binge AND purge but it turned into just a binge. I couldn't purge. it wouldn't come up. i tried and tried chugged water like i was about to enter the desert for a few days without supplies. it just wouldn't come out. i stuck my hand so deep down my throat and nothing. just a bit of water. wtf. i'm glad i didn't have any vomit inducing agents because today i would have went for it. i'm seriously considering laxatives. but i can't get any until monday because here in germany everything is closed on sundays...dammit. i have some flax seed i know they are high cal but fuck it i'm about to drink them with some soy-rice milk tonight and probably all day tomorrow. it feels so disgusting to have this in me.

i need to stop this vicious cycle and i know for a fact that the only way to do that is to just stop. kinda like when i got tired of being a fat ass and just decided i was going to actually loose weight. nothing is going to happen until we start right?
i want to feel hungry again. i did so well during the day to. i turned down eating with my mom and grandparents. they didn't say anything my mom just bitched about how she had to eat food prepared with soy margarine instead of butter...bitch you know you didn't taste a difference...bitching to be bitching i tell ya. evening came and failure approached. i can even feel it taking over my life. i don't want to deal with people because i can't binge when i'm out.
i had a friend spend the night a few days ago i hated it. i couldn't do a b/p session. i mean looking back it makes me happy but still this is why it needs to go. getting out of eating is easier still because i'm not skinny so people are still like it's ok. well my grandpa was saying i need to eat but i just said i'm not hungry and my grandma said "if she doesn't want to she doesn't need to, let her do her thing she's been doing so well loosing weight" why do people think i lost weight? bitches i've gained weight and not an insignificant amount either.
i went to visit my besty yesterday it was awesome. she knows about my mia habits and i told her i wanted to get help, she's happy. she wanted me to stop always but she's the type who understands stopping ain't happening until the person wants it. i love her so much. i wish i actually lived near her i know i could stop with her help because she would totally kick my ass (not really but you know what i mean) and be on me because she'd know i'm trying to quit.
anyway sorry i haven't commented but i've been reading
love all you guys
stay strong
MUAH