hmmm a bitchy ranty whiny post

don't have much positivity to post. i'm fat and my digestion is fucked, so laxies aren't dependable which means i can't take any until tomorrow afternoon because i have to take mini me to the doctor tomorrow. we were in the german emergency room because her doc is closed and they bitched at me how i should have went to one of the alternative doctors etc. etc. and then they see me anyway and bitch at me again. look you fucking underpaid bitches (which isn't my fault) don't bitch at me if you don't want to see me don't make me wait for 2 hours and then bitch about me being there. i would have been fine just taking her to another doctor...had you let me go. well mini me has bronchitis but she's still being awesome so it she'll get over it.
then i went to get my hair cut since i was with my friend and yeah my hair is half nigger so the shit curls with wetness so the fucker cut it crooked i'm pissed i mean it'll grow but still that's 12 euros i wasted. 12 euros i shouldn't have really spent on that.
food wise i didn't do to bad i had rice and tofu and a few of my daughters french fries. not bad with the exception of the chocolate. i hate pms mode it makes me want chocolate something i don't even crave at any other time. oh yeah i had a shake too.
i want laxies right now but so not dependable and i don't wanna be at my daughters appointment feeling the shits coming on because my belly ain't digesting right and being all slow making it take like +/-12 hours to work. can't risk it. i can't purge and now i can't depend on laxies. i'm a fat ass why can't this shit kick in when i'm at a dangerous weight level? fuck you disorders. i might as well own up and say i have an eating disorder. though i don't feel the "right" to claim it. i'm not diagnosed (not like i want to be that would require me telling a therapist) and it's not like i got the will power to go along with it. neither do i exercise enough...i don't at all. i feel unworthy to even label myself as having an eating disorder. i guess me thinking i'm unworthy of something i don't truly want but i'm suffering from the symptoms would make it true huh? oh well this twisted mess is about to sign off
i wish you all the best, i thank my new supporter and all you guys' comments. i love you all you are awesomeness on a slice of no cal toast
stay strong
MUAH

Food must be going out of style

because these past two days i've consumed it like it has been. i'm sure i consumed between 4000-5000 cals. and i haven't even purged. i feel like i'm sick of food however. hopefully tomorrow i can keep myself in check. i'm at the point where food disgusts me. now i just have to keep that attitude. my back is almost all the way better. tomorrow i'm going to attempt the step aerobics veideo. i would start tonight but my stomach hurts so bad and i feel so nauseous that i don't know how much i can move. i mean yeah i should probably go purge because i don't even want to know my weight when i step on my scale tomorrow. i'm guesstimating i've probably went back over 80kg. disgusting i know but maybe that's what i need right now. i think i need that shock right now to show me eating does nothing but get you fat. i can actually trace my exact descent into getting fatty again. allowing myself to partake in fatty foods at a bbq this summer. i think it was the second weekend in july. i know long time ago right? but when i get around certain people where i have to prove that i eat like a normal person i loose the discipline if i allow a little bit of leeway then i just overdo shit. i always overdo shit. seriously it's disgusting. i'm disgusting. food is disgusting.
it just turns into fat. i know i'm only eating because the additives in it. i miss weed maybe i'm eating to make up for it, idk. but it's not an excuse. i'm feeling so sick right now because of all the food that i don't even ever want to eat again. and if i do eat it'll be baby food. it's not solid and it's low cal. one glass is enough as well to get you full. if i eat i just need to think after every bite and wonder if i'm still even hungry. i need to only eat when i'm hungry and stop plotting and planning binges. i need to stop eating to the point where i feel i should purge. because right now i'd love to purge but i know i must really punish myself. feeling sick is my punishment. fat asses like me don't deserve to feel happiness.
you know what's funny even if a woman is bigger than me and i would feel like shit looking like she does, i feel that she is still pretty. i envy her for being able to carry her weight so well and wonder why i can't. however sometimes when i see girls smaller than me (not very hard) i'll envy them but still think to myself i wouldn't even be happy at that size a little bit smaller would be better....
and now it's is seriously time to stop whining. i know i've said it many times but this time it's. i'm swearing of junk food. i will be 100% vegan in my diet. no excuses. if i feel the need to binge they must me vegan too. however i hope to not binge anytime soon because, and this is something i should never forget FOOD IS DISGUSTING it is vile and it makes me FAT. food should never be consumed for my own pleasure but only to get "ignorant" people off my back, and even then only enough to satisfy them!!!
Seriously food has got to go, i should only really buy food for my little one. i should really just allow myself baby food and fruit and vegetables in raw form. i wish i had a kitchen already so i could make myself protein shakes.
oh well enough bitching
FUCK FOOD
stay strong
muah

another post filled with whining...

i hate my bookshelves. i've organized most of them. I have four bookshelves. one for non-fiction, two for novels, one for kiddie and teenie books. I have the kid books and novels organized alphabetically by author. I haven't even done the non-fiction yet. why do i hate them? because the sizes are all fucked up. i can't fucking stand it. why can't all books have standard sizes? why can't authors stick to one size? so why don't i organize them by size? because i hate having them out of alphabetical order. ughh this is so fucking bothersome!!! i wish i had a magic wand to make all books the same sizes!! i can't get rid of them either i love books. this will probably bother me forever.
i really want to stop eating but i can't seem to. i hate going to grocery stores i never been to before and finding more shit that's vegan friendly. why does there have to be vegan ice cream and cookies? been binging on those this past week. why do i sometimes purge and sometimes not? i don't know. it's like sometimes i want to make my mistake better and sometimes i want the punishment. however why do i even have to get myself in that situation? why can't i just not eat? i also catch myself making excuses in my head. at first it was just wait until i get into my own place, well now i'm here and my new excuse is once i have a kitchen.
let me tell you the truth on why i miss smoking pot so much...it helped me not eat. i know most people get the munchies i somehow talk myself into how disgusting food is in a high state of mind. i want to smoke so bad. i feel like it gives me more control, however i only have that control in that aspect. i shouldn't smoke. i really shouldn't i know but it's so fucking tempting. let me escape for a little while please...however i don't deserve escape what i need to do is get a fucking grip on myself. i know i can do it, i have fucking goals i need to reach. weight goals and life goals. i can't do that just whining about how much i'm fucking up. even though i'm writing this now will i stick to it? i really don't know. it's fucking ridiculous.
the last few posts have been nothing but me whining about my lack of self control. i hate whiners...i hate myself. i just need to get a grip.
i still haven't been to my mom's house to get the rest of my shit. why? well partially because of laziness but also because i'm fucking terrified of my scale. i forgot it there. and i fear it now because i know once i have it i'll have to get on it and once i'll get on it...well with several binges we know what that means. unless i'm lucky somehow but luck isn't my strong suit.
i need to figure out how to get this eating under control. i know i'm not eating out of hunger. i think it's boredom but i shouldn't be bored. however i am. i need to work on my apartment but i'm lazy. well guys sorry about another rant
stay strong
MUAH