i hate my bookshelves. i've organized most of them. I have four bookshelves. one for non-fiction, two for novels, one for kiddie and teenie books. I have the kid books and novels organized alphabetically by author. I haven't even done the non-fiction yet. why do i hate them? because the sizes are all fucked up. i can't fucking stand it. why can't all books have standard sizes? why can't authors stick to one size? so why don't i organize them by size? because i hate having them out of alphabetical order. ughh this is so fucking bothersome!!! i wish i had a magic wand to make all books the same sizes!! i can't get rid of them either i love books. this will probably bother me forever.
i really want to stop eating but i can't seem to. i hate going to grocery stores i never been to before and finding more shit that's vegan friendly. why does there have to be vegan ice cream and cookies? been binging on those this past week. why do i sometimes purge and sometimes not? i don't know. it's like sometimes i want to make my mistake better and sometimes i want the punishment. however why do i even have to get myself in that situation? why can't i just not eat? i also catch myself making excuses in my head. at first it was just wait until i get into my own place, well now i'm here and my new excuse is once i have a kitchen.
let me tell you the truth on why i miss smoking pot so much...it helped me not eat. i know most people get the munchies i somehow talk myself into how disgusting food is in a high state of mind. i want to smoke so bad. i feel like it gives me more control, however i only have that control in that aspect. i shouldn't smoke. i really shouldn't i know but it's so fucking tempting. let me escape for a little while please...however i don't deserve escape what i need to do is get a fucking grip on myself. i know i can do it, i have fucking goals i need to reach. weight goals and life goals. i can't do that just whining about how much i'm fucking up. even though i'm writing this now will i stick to it? i really don't know. it's fucking ridiculous.
the last few posts have been nothing but me whining about my lack of self control. i hate whiners...i hate myself. i just need to get a grip.
i still haven't been to my mom's house to get the rest of my shit. why? well partially because of laziness but also because i'm fucking terrified of my scale. i forgot it there. and i fear it now because i know once i have it i'll have to get on it and once i'll get on it...well with several binges we know what that means. unless i'm lucky somehow but luck isn't my strong suit.
i need to figure out how to get this eating under control. i know i'm not eating out of hunger. i think it's boredom but i shouldn't be bored. however i am. i need to work on my apartment but i'm lazy. well guys sorry about another rant
stay strong
MUAH
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