If you really knew me...

I'm trying to post this one over e-mail so I hope it works. I don't really know what the hell I'm gonna write about that's really new. You guys already know about my back pain and the fact that I knocked it out purging (irony at it's best, try to do something to help my weight fuck up a vital body part necessary for any sort of exercise and movement). Hmm I guess I'll just post a list of shit about me, things I like, hate, or whatever... So in no particular order: I hate that people expect shit from me and I can't help but to want to meet those expectations. What I hate even more than that is that I constantly fail at meeting my own expectations I seem to set for myself I looked at my teeth the other day, and I see tooth decay on my back teeth, yeah I know it's gross but the shit I thought would never happen to me because of purging are starting to happen, and I know if I would just go to the dentist he could do something about it but I'm to much of a pussy to go because I don't want the dentist knowing, I know I could say I'm getting help for it but it feels awkward to lie. Especially since I know one visit is not going to take care of all the problems. It's like sorry hon no matter how much you brush your teeth and floss stomach acid will do the job. I even did the baking soda after purging thing... My hair doesn't seem quite as thick as it used to I mean it's super hard to completely tell since I've been rocking my curls but it's not as much of a rats nest. When people say "Jesus is my homeboy" I want to say "Are you his?" Religion bothers me, it can't be fit into a perfect category there's nothing black and white so it's bothersome to me however I can't help believing that there's something I long for the perfect body but I'm scared of reaching my goal weight because then it's either stop and be happy or continue. If I stop what am I going to work for then? And if I continue I know it's a path to death. Also I'd probably need help to quit and I don't really want that either. I don't know, sorry if it seems confusing. Back pain sucks ass I love watching the Boondocks cartoon that shit is to funny however the comic was the best for its political references. I hate working with people. I seriously loathe it. I think when I start work again I'm gonna have to leave the service industry. People make me way to nervous and angry...why do they always want shit (lord forbid you want something when you go into a store right?) I am extremely jealous of my best friends body because she doesn't have to give a shit and still looks hot and skinny I wish I had the balls to say what I wanted when I wanted I have the hardest time finding good words to say, I either come across as stuck up or like a know it all bitch or like a complete idiot, no in between here and I usually don't even mean it that way DISCIPLINE can only be achieved by yourself and not when other shit around you happens...I need to relearn that shit I think this list is way more negative than I had meant it to be I have a new follower, thank you so much that would raise my count up to 16. Yay 16 people care about what I have to say. I would like to put out there: DO NOT EVER START TO PURGE!!!! No matter how great I'm sure I make it sound in my ill mind I'm now getting the side effects so please listen to me if you've never done it don't start. If you've done it but aren't doing it regularly STOP. It's hard to quit!!! And it sucks for me right now because I'm physically not able to do it right now!!! I love all of you guys STAY STRONG MUAH