the past two days i've been able to purge. i've still been avoiding my scale as best i can. surprisingly it's working. i feel the seroquel level in my blood dropping, and slowly my control is returning.
i've started drinking pineapple juice. we've all heard of the pineapple diet i'm sure. just hoping to get some of the benefits.
this one is short as well i'm pretty tired and tomorrow is a long day.
oh and i've got one more follower...THANK YOU
i'm undeserving
stay strong
muah
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
fail, fail, oh and don't forget FAIL!!!
yeah i've been eating. at least my weight is at 76.5 kg right now and not at 80. where the hell is my control i was so proud of. i'm almost thinking it's the meds. but i quit taking the one that fucks with my blood pressure. i don't need it anymore. as long as i take my necessary antidepressants i'm fine. FUCK SEROQUEL!!!
i need my control back where the hell is it. seriously have you seen it. i see food and i eat. even mia has left me...or rather i can't get my mom off my ass after i eat. i just want to purge but i can't get away. i need to find a freaking apartment and get the hell outta my p.u.s house. fuck this shit. i blog more later i think mini me is up
i need my control back where the hell is it. seriously have you seen it. i see food and i eat. even mia has left me...or rather i can't get my mom off my ass after i eat. i just want to purge but i can't get away. i need to find a freaking apartment and get the hell outta my p.u.s house. fuck this shit. i blog more later i think mini me is up
Thursday, July 15, 2010
alrighty
starting tomorrow or better yet might as well count now since i'm not eating anything anymore, i will be fasting until (hopefully) next wednesday. if anyone wants to join in (even if not for the whole time) let me know we can support each other. i really need this kick in the butt to get me back on track. i'm once again considering a binge...so not good. i have been a cheating vegan which makes me so angry at myself. and it was stupid shit to not even something healthy like seafood or something...nooo junk. ugh i hate myself for it. i look in the mirror and just see the fat. blurgh blurgh blurgh. i need to be strong. the only thing close to solids that i will allow myself, and that's only when my blood pressure is to low and i get dizzy is either a 50 cal popsicle (it's hot as shit) or pureed fruits. but that's only if it's my blood pressure. i will allow myself one glass of soy milk a day so i'll hopefully won't have to reach back to my sorta solids.
however if the dizzyness isn't to bad i'll enjoy it, it's kinda like a high feeling for me. but then again i try to turn any "negative" side effect into a high feeling he he.
anyway stay strong guys
MUAH
need reverse thinspo just look at my pics he he
thanks for the comment lola i REALLY REALLY appreciate it!!!
however if the dizzyness isn't to bad i'll enjoy it, it's kinda like a high feeling for me. but then again i try to turn any "negative" side effect into a high feeling he he.
anyway stay strong guys
MUAH
need reverse thinspo just look at my pics he he
thanks for the comment lola i REALLY REALLY appreciate it!!!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
oh fuck it
i get such encouraging comments when i post pictures. i'll be posting my before and current in this post.
it's somewhat disgusting (and embarrassing for me) but if it'll inspire anybody that in order to get somewhere you have to actually start even if it is a long ass journey i'm happy for it
this is me at about 253.5 lbs (115kg)
and this is me the past weekend since it was friday night i was probably still around 73kg-74kg...i kinda thought i was hot shit (^_^)
yeah i've still got LOOONG ways to go but shit I'm getting there I swear if this won't motivate me I don't know what will!!!
it's somewhat disgusting (and embarrassing for me) but if it'll inspire anybody that in order to get somewhere you have to actually start even if it is a long ass journey i'm happy for it
this is me at about 253.5 lbs (115kg)
and this is me the past weekend since it was friday night i was probably still around 73kg-74kg...i kinda thought i was hot shit (^_^)
yeah i've still got LOOONG ways to go but shit I'm getting there I swear if this won't motivate me I don't know what will!!!
vegan no longer an option
and i with that i mean, the other day i ate chicken and i threw up...my body was like WTF bitch what are you putting in me???
this'll be a pretty random post so if you read it thanks!!!
so yeah now since the past weekend (fri to sun morning) was much alcohol and a 2 week late celebration of my birthday with my besty. I paused veganism drank a shitload of vodka red bull and went up from 75kg on saturday to damn near 77 by sunday. and i've been drinking soda. that shit is poison and i'm poisoning myself with it. ughhh!!!!
anyway my plan is to start a fast this week. probably friday since fahja is going down rage for 6 months (woohooo, i know sounds mean but hell i don't even care) on thursday.
I want to finish eating my food that i have, just so it won't go bad and since i'm living with the P.U.s I don't feel like hearing their mouths about wasting food. I feel like such a teenager again, and not the grown ass 24 year old i am. oh well at least I can purge. however i'm getting sick of purging. no i still absolutely adore it but ana in me is like stop using purging for stuffing your face like some people use abortions as a contraceptive. I know it's a really harsh comparison but it's how i'm starting to feel like i'm lacking control because i know if i eat i can purge. that's why i didn't allow myself to purge today or yesterday. i need to feel that punishment on my scale tomorrow. i need my self loathing, and i need to stop being a lazy fat ass. i have weight to loose and i plan on getting to my goal by middle october. that's when there'll be a cosplay convention (i'm an j-nerd) i want to go with my besty and her ass is at like 53Kg (i'm so hating). so i can't be a fat ass anymore. felt fat enough this weekend even though we were some hot bitches...i was just to fat. maybe i'll post pics but i'm not really sure...now back to the point
anyway fast details, i'm hoping for a week. i've done it before i should be able to do it again. this time it'll just be a pretty relaxed liquid diet. 200ml of soy milk (74 cals) a day if I want. Juices, and maybe some pureed fruits if I'm really low energy because of my blood pressure.
Stay Strong
MUAH
P.S. I confessed to my besty about my mia-tendencies. she gave me a good tip (after telling me I need to stop that!!). when you feel hungry imagine the last meal you ate in full detail. the texture how it goes down your throat, how you felt full after etc...by that time you shouldn't be hungry anymore.
i haven't tried it yet but once i start my fast i will
this'll be a pretty random post so if you read it thanks!!!
so yeah now since the past weekend (fri to sun morning) was much alcohol and a 2 week late celebration of my birthday with my besty. I paused veganism drank a shitload of vodka red bull and went up from 75kg on saturday to damn near 77 by sunday. and i've been drinking soda. that shit is poison and i'm poisoning myself with it. ughhh!!!!
anyway my plan is to start a fast this week. probably friday since fahja is going down rage for 6 months (woohooo, i know sounds mean but hell i don't even care) on thursday.
I want to finish eating my food that i have, just so it won't go bad and since i'm living with the P.U.s I don't feel like hearing their mouths about wasting food. I feel like such a teenager again, and not the grown ass 24 year old i am. oh well at least I can purge. however i'm getting sick of purging. no i still absolutely adore it but ana in me is like stop using purging for stuffing your face like some people use abortions as a contraceptive. I know it's a really harsh comparison but it's how i'm starting to feel like i'm lacking control because i know if i eat i can purge. that's why i didn't allow myself to purge today or yesterday. i need to feel that punishment on my scale tomorrow. i need my self loathing, and i need to stop being a lazy fat ass. i have weight to loose and i plan on getting to my goal by middle october. that's when there'll be a cosplay convention (i'm an j-nerd) i want to go with my besty and her ass is at like 53Kg (i'm so hating). so i can't be a fat ass anymore. felt fat enough this weekend even though we were some hot bitches...i was just to fat. maybe i'll post pics but i'm not really sure...now back to the point
anyway fast details, i'm hoping for a week. i've done it before i should be able to do it again. this time it'll just be a pretty relaxed liquid diet. 200ml of soy milk (74 cals) a day if I want. Juices, and maybe some pureed fruits if I'm really low energy because of my blood pressure.
Stay Strong
MUAH
P.S. I confessed to my besty about my mia-tendencies. she gave me a good tip (after telling me I need to stop that!!). when you feel hungry imagine the last meal you ate in full detail. the texture how it goes down your throat, how you felt full after etc...by that time you shouldn't be hungry anymore.
i haven't tried it yet but once i start my fast i will
Monday, July 5, 2010
check in and crappy collar bone pic
i wanted to share my collar bones with you guys, mind you i have a crappy light source in this room i have at my P.U.s house so it's kinda shady but you can see one side at least. They aren't quite where I want them but the progress is great, they are the only bones really visible yet so I've got some pride in them. Here goes:
i guess i should care about posting my face but i don't. i don't know why. i hope nobody i knows finds this but if they do maybe it'll be a sign of some sort. i dunno. considering however that i made a new e-mail and screen name never used anywhere else by me I should be pretty safe...I hope.
anyway it's kind of funny some anonymous poster decided to comment me links for a no carb diet and how to kill your own animals. i'm vegan but not for the animal rights. sorry to disappoint you. i'm vegan because i no longer want to be a lard ass and it's given me incredible control over junk food...well not all the way i can still find vegan chips. ate and purged a bag of those today.
i know purging is really bad for my health but like any drug it is so much fun for me and makes me feel good. i know i'll need to stop at some point but i'm still way to many lbs above my goal that i can't seem to care. i have my own little "ritual" i follow.
i'm SLOOOOWLY catching up on blogs and it feels great, it really leaves me wondering as to why in the hell i ever stopped reading...oh wait i was ashamed of me eating and was dealing with my own shit....bad excuses if anybody has understanding it's this community here. i still owe sunshine awards....but i feel like i should catch up on all blogs once more before i post them. i do want to but i'd rather not make any promises i can't keep anymore. it makes me feel crappy and horrible and especially when i break promises to you guys. you know my biggest secrets and don't judge me for them. well i'm off to sleep i love you guys
stay strong
MUAH
i guess i should care about posting my face but i don't. i don't know why. i hope nobody i knows finds this but if they do maybe it'll be a sign of some sort. i dunno. considering however that i made a new e-mail and screen name never used anywhere else by me I should be pretty safe...I hope.
anyway it's kind of funny some anonymous poster decided to comment me links for a no carb diet and how to kill your own animals. i'm vegan but not for the animal rights. sorry to disappoint you. i'm vegan because i no longer want to be a lard ass and it's given me incredible control over junk food...well not all the way i can still find vegan chips. ate and purged a bag of those today.
i know purging is really bad for my health but like any drug it is so much fun for me and makes me feel good. i know i'll need to stop at some point but i'm still way to many lbs above my goal that i can't seem to care. i have my own little "ritual" i follow.
i'm SLOOOOWLY catching up on blogs and it feels great, it really leaves me wondering as to why in the hell i ever stopped reading...oh wait i was ashamed of me eating and was dealing with my own shit....bad excuses if anybody has understanding it's this community here. i still owe sunshine awards....but i feel like i should catch up on all blogs once more before i post them. i do want to but i'd rather not make any promises i can't keep anymore. it makes me feel crappy and horrible and especially when i break promises to you guys. you know my biggest secrets and don't judge me for them. well i'm off to sleep i love you guys
stay strong
MUAH
really quick weigh in
this morning 162.9 lbs (73.9kg) so awesome yaaaay
i have to go now got an appointment and phone calls to make before
i have to go now got an appointment and phone calls to make before
Sunday, July 4, 2010
an actual update
so while i was gone much has happened. obviously i got released and such and started the day clinic with which i'm now done. i'm sure i've mentioned that.
i had one crash and burn situation, not so much related to food though.
this happened sometime in june:
one time i came home to my parents home and first thing that happened is that my fahja just yelled at me. about how long my treatment was taking and how hard it was for them to take care of my mini me (puhleeze asshole my mom did most of the work). oh yeah and of course it's my fault that he has high blood pressure. asshole if you'd stop yelling about everything you wouldn't have high blood pressure. well that was a trigger for my mood going hella low. i had to promise my therapist that i wouldn't hurt myself, and would call. well i decided that week i was going to go out and drink and forget my worries (thanks to piss tests no more pot). yes most of you will know that this is a bad idea. drinking for the wrong reason but let's not forget the meds i'm on. BAD IDEA. I drank way too much and made out with this 20 year old kid (not because of his age but because of his behavior). then i disappeared on my friends. i don't remember any of this. then at aobut 4:30 am i call my mother from my house phone and don't say anything. she gets worried comes to my house walks in...nobody there, then all of a sudden she hears something out in the hall and it's me in bra and underwear coming down the steps talking about how cold it is. yeah funny in retrospect but damn and i don't remember any of this. well i talked to my friend and he talked to the guys (they are sorta friends of ours) and i actually went and had sex with the kid in the bushes and in between the buses. oh yeah BAD FUCKING IDEA to drink on meds. of course my fahja didn't let me live that one down. so here comes the yelling from him once more. i did fess up to my therapist though.
i swore never to drink again...that didn't last. weekend before last similar thing except this time i went home with a random stranger lost my madonna piercing during sex and went home. yeah apparently i turn into a slut but if i'm perfectly honest i don't feel bad about the sex in general just the first time with that kid because usually guys can't be friends after having sex...at least that's what i've noticed from friends in the past who are now no longer my friends anymore. oh well i can live with it. but its been turbulent. i'm just glad next weekend i'm going out with my best friend. which is going to be freaking awesome!!!
i didn't purge today or rather couldn't i didn't get one bit of privacy since fahja decided to work near my bathroom all day. on the bright side all i ate today was two tomatoes and some potatoes with soy butter and salt. so i didn't do to bad on the eating. now i do have privacy and i'm feeling hungry however i don't even know if i'll find anything vegan in the kitchen. but this i could purge so yeah i'll have to see.
does anyone else eat sometimes just to purge? i actually enjoy it...i know how bad it is but it's my new drug of choice
my weight is down from yesterday. i'm now 166.9 lbs (75.7kg) oh yeah go me. i must keep loosing my goal is getting closer and i'm motivated once more. i think i'm going to read a book now and play some more catch up on your blogs tomorrow!
Stay strong
MUAH
i had one crash and burn situation, not so much related to food though.
this happened sometime in june:
one time i came home to my parents home and first thing that happened is that my fahja just yelled at me. about how long my treatment was taking and how hard it was for them to take care of my mini me (puhleeze asshole my mom did most of the work). oh yeah and of course it's my fault that he has high blood pressure. asshole if you'd stop yelling about everything you wouldn't have high blood pressure. well that was a trigger for my mood going hella low. i had to promise my therapist that i wouldn't hurt myself, and would call. well i decided that week i was going to go out and drink and forget my worries (thanks to piss tests no more pot). yes most of you will know that this is a bad idea. drinking for the wrong reason but let's not forget the meds i'm on. BAD IDEA. I drank way too much and made out with this 20 year old kid (not because of his age but because of his behavior). then i disappeared on my friends. i don't remember any of this. then at aobut 4:30 am i call my mother from my house phone and don't say anything. she gets worried comes to my house walks in...nobody there, then all of a sudden she hears something out in the hall and it's me in bra and underwear coming down the steps talking about how cold it is. yeah funny in retrospect but damn and i don't remember any of this. well i talked to my friend and he talked to the guys (they are sorta friends of ours) and i actually went and had sex with the kid in the bushes and in between the buses. oh yeah BAD FUCKING IDEA to drink on meds. of course my fahja didn't let me live that one down. so here comes the yelling from him once more. i did fess up to my therapist though.
i swore never to drink again...that didn't last. weekend before last similar thing except this time i went home with a random stranger lost my madonna piercing during sex and went home. yeah apparently i turn into a slut but if i'm perfectly honest i don't feel bad about the sex in general just the first time with that kid because usually guys can't be friends after having sex...at least that's what i've noticed from friends in the past who are now no longer my friends anymore. oh well i can live with it. but its been turbulent. i'm just glad next weekend i'm going out with my best friend. which is going to be freaking awesome!!!
i didn't purge today or rather couldn't i didn't get one bit of privacy since fahja decided to work near my bathroom all day. on the bright side all i ate today was two tomatoes and some potatoes with soy butter and salt. so i didn't do to bad on the eating. now i do have privacy and i'm feeling hungry however i don't even know if i'll find anything vegan in the kitchen. but this i could purge so yeah i'll have to see.
does anyone else eat sometimes just to purge? i actually enjoy it...i know how bad it is but it's my new drug of choice
my weight is down from yesterday. i'm now 166.9 lbs (75.7kg) oh yeah go me. i must keep loosing my goal is getting closer and i'm motivated once more. i think i'm going to read a book now and play some more catch up on your blogs tomorrow!
Stay strong
MUAH
Saturday, July 3, 2010
purging is good for the soul
at least for mine. i'm back on track and my weight is going down once more. i purge everything i eat unless my blood pressure is acting up. which is always. i have extremely low blood pressure i'm lucky if i get 103/70 my usual is between 90/60 and 97/64. however purging brings it up to normal (i think) because i always feel better and never dizzy after.
it's weird getting back to my normal life. i'm living with the P.U.s at the moment but i have reclaimed my own bathroom so i can safely purge. lately my moms been making comments about how little i eat. (if only she knew how happy that made me) and also about how skinny i look...i'm sorry but there is nothing skinny about me at the moment. everything is fat but i'm back on track to perfection.
i've missed all of you guys and tearsnsorrow i will begin reading your blog probably tomorrow. as i will be catching up on everyone else's. i would tonight but i just took my meds and i'm getting sleepy however i felt it necessary to update you all.
stay strong
muah
it's weird getting back to my normal life. i'm living with the P.U.s at the moment but i have reclaimed my own bathroom so i can safely purge. lately my moms been making comments about how little i eat. (if only she knew how happy that made me) and also about how skinny i look...i'm sorry but there is nothing skinny about me at the moment. everything is fat but i'm back on track to perfection.
i've missed all of you guys and tearsnsorrow i will begin reading your blog probably tomorrow. as i will be catching up on everyone else's. i would tonight but i just took my meds and i'm getting sleepy however i felt it necessary to update you all.
stay strong
muah
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