mrrrrmmmmm

it's self-pitying....you've been warned:

that's how i spell out the sound marge simpson makes when she feels dissatisfaction.

I HATE MYSELF
I AM WEAK
I AM TO DEPENDENT ON OUTSIDE FORCES

wtf made me think it was alright to do dxm? granted one time it helped me view myself in a better light, and stop purging for a bit. but yesterday i looked into the mirror and i looked round, my face looked round, i don't even think my face looks that round sober.
well i made great process on the bracelet later last night until i realized i'd skipped a whole color for who knows how long and now i have to restart i think. but it's ok the bracelet making is actually fun.
last night after sharting myself while on the phone with my b.f.f., and then deciding to read the side effects of the pills which include, nausea, diarrhea, and vomiting. Great I got to experience every last one of those last night. Which when you enjoy vomiting and you haven't eaten anything all day, that complete emptiness when your ass and your mouth want to spew but have nothing, felt awesome.
I know I have mixed feelings about last night,
on one side YAY I was super high and empty and did stuff and felt good
on the other side BOOO I have to depend on chemistry to get me through? And we're not even talking prescribed chemistry, I'm talking cough medicine WTF? Oh and let's not forget sleeping mini-me next door. I feel like such a junkie mom (I know not the worst drug...but still). Pot I have no problems with because to me it's that beer that others drink to come down in the evening. I smoke a j.
I need a therapist my mom is calling one at noon. I know, I'm 23, run my own household and I don't have the balls to call a doctor for an appointment.
I=sad....
now i don't even know if they are going to take her for an extended time but now the previously oh so awesome fahja is not cooperating. well unless he wants me to end up on the 12 o'clock news as a mother that either killed or hurt her child he needs to do something. foster family is def still a possibility. i love my child to much to allow myself a complete breakdown in front of her if i still have the sanity to fight it.
i could go into why i'm doing this but i think i've done that before, maybe i'll sit down and write exactly why i feel such dissatisfaction but if i did that i couldn't make mini-me's breakfast. ugh she woke up crying today...that's never a good sign. it'll be a long day. at least i already got a kiss from her (very rare occurrence she's not very lovey dovey) which makes me happy. love my little monster.

today i'm continuing with no eating. I'll be drinking 2 protein shakes as mentioned in my previous post. I just have to stay food free. I can't control crazy but i can control the food going into my mouth...it's just about the last thing i have control over since my life is def not the thing i'm controlling
mrrrrrmmmmm
if you read this i love you...i shall respect you for making it through this "thing" whatever you wanna call it
muah muah muah
off to continue reading more blogs...i try to read entire blogs before i hit follow so it takes me a while...actually no reading now, I'll be making mini-me's food now but after that while she eats...yeah