Thursday, September 30, 2010
Failed but suceeded in achieving my b/p dream
so i went for my mcd's binge...following could be triggering
3 big macs
2 cheeseburgers
1 veggie burger
1 L Coke Zero (oh yeah went no cal on the drink)
PUUUUUURRRRRGGGGGEEEE
so hard but you've never seen anyone with better posture purging
Avani promise to get you those names asap just the article is at my parents house so when i go back i'll make sure to get them for you!!!
3 big macs
2 cheeseburgers
1 veggie burger
1 L Coke Zero (oh yeah went no cal on the drink)
PUUUUUURRRRRGGGGGEEEE
so hard but you've never seen anyone with better posture purging
Avani promise to get you those names asap just the article is at my parents house so when i go back i'll make sure to get them for you!!!
exercise matters
ok i hate exercising...i loathe it or rather i loathe it until i'm doing it and have done it then i realize how great it makes me feel. however i look into the mirror and i realize god it is beyond necessary for me to work out. when i was in the hospital working out and walking was part of the therapy so although i didn't notice it too much then i notice now that all the hard work is gone. my thighs are constantly smooshed against one another. and in and after the hospital only the tops were touching. as soon as my back is better that step-aerobics dvd i bought is going to be used i swear it's got to i look into the mirror and all i see is BLOB...i mean i know i don't see myself how others do but let's be honest who cares how others see me it's more important how i see me and that is as a big fat blob. i'm getting my scale to my house today. which means yay and oh noooo. because now i can't run from my weight anymore, i can't binge and pretend like it didn't happen because my scale isn't around. which btw i binged yesterday...couldn't purge for obvious reasons. i have been dreaming of a mc d's purge all week. and i would be smart getting the food because i'd write it on paper and act like i don't know what's on there so it seems like i'm the one sent to get the food. then i'd go home and munch down on a disgusting amount of non-vegan "goodness" before i purge it all. it's almost like my ultimate binge dream at the moment. some people want to accomplish great things, i want to accomplish going to a mc donalds buy a shit load of food with out it looking like it's for me and then binge and purge. yeah i got that shit planned out. will i do it? i hope not. i mean i want to but as i've said my teeth, my hair, my heart all have the damage i thought i'd never get because I can quit when I want to, it's just a momentary thing until I get control over my eating habits. so sad so sad. however speaking of hair i'm getting it cut short today. it's going off. fuck it i need a new lease on life and all women know hair is the way to accomplish all your goals (^_^)
i haven't eaten today but it's only 10 in the morning i'm going to be kid less this morning all through my appointment and before, i'll have to go downtown and i hope i can resist mc donalds. because i live close now buying a shit load of food and purging wouldn't be that hard. i mean yeah my back will hate me but if the want gets to big i'm sure i'll say fuck my back it wouldn't be the first time i disregarded my health.
ok that's it here's to not binging and good hair
Stay Strong
MUAH
i haven't eaten today but it's only 10 in the morning i'm going to be kid less this morning all through my appointment and before, i'll have to go downtown and i hope i can resist mc donalds. because i live close now buying a shit load of food and purging wouldn't be that hard. i mean yeah my back will hate me but if the want gets to big i'm sure i'll say fuck my back it wouldn't be the first time i disregarded my health.
ok that's it here's to not binging and good hair
Stay Strong
MUAH
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Camel Toe vs. Moose Knuckle
why i want to loose weight...I feel like I have to remind myself:
I want to be healthy (contradiction considering my way of going about it? yes, but it sounds good)
Let's not kid ourselves about this world (unless you are blessed with a huge amount of self-confidence) this world is shallow and looks matter
Thin is in (ok maybe not so much anymore but I don't mind being outta style on this one)
Clothes look 10 million gazillion times better on a slim frame than a gigantic one
I'd rather have a camel toe than a moose knuckle
I want to be healthy (contradiction considering my way of going about it? yes, but it sounds good)
Let's not kid ourselves about this world (unless you are blessed with a huge amount of self-confidence) this world is shallow and looks matter
Thin is in (ok maybe not so much anymore but I don't mind being outta style on this one)
Clothes look 10 million gazillion times better on a slim frame than a gigantic one
I'd rather have a camel toe than a moose knuckle
Sunday, September 26, 2010
More tips from german mags and newspapers
Why do I love my grandparents? because they are awesome and they always bring me many weight loss diet tips that they find newspapers and magazines they read and because typing on the computer means not eating I am willing to translate and share once again (and I apologize for any mistakes or crappy wording), but I won't follow everything and you probably won't either however I'm going to share them in full regardless. Also I refuse to take any responsibility. At your own (weights) risk. some even contradict each other and some are not useful to a restrictive diet but here goes:
Article 1
The Biggest Mistakes about Eating Habits
When it is hot, eat less
WRONG Our body cannot use surrounding heat as energy. To keep a normal body temperature constantly when it's hot your
body needs even more energy - sweating costs energy
Man needs Warm meals daily
WRONG There is no scientific proof for this. It's better to eat lukewarm: Food that is to hot raises the risk for esophogous
cancer.
Eating late at night causes weight gain
WRONG Weight gain or loss does not depend on the time of consumption but the total amount of energy consumed throughout
the day. Weight gain happens when you take in more calories than you use.
Eggs are unhealthy and raise cholesterol
WRONG chicken eggs are among the healthiest foods, they contain almost all important nutritional elements, They do contain
cholesterol but not the dangerous LDL-cholesterol
Alkohol helps digestion
WRONG Beer and High % Alcohol interrupt the Fat-Metabolism and slow down digestion
Fat makes you sick
WRONG According to studies active bigger people are healthier than weak skinny people. Important: More plant fats than animal fats.
(Red)Wine is good for your heart
ONLY HALF RIGHT Alcohol raises blood pressure- cause for Heart Disease and Heart Attacks. Only Red Wine contains Polyphenole that protect against it. However: Maximum 1 Glass a Day
Honey is good for Babies with colds
WRONG A bacteria in Honey can be life threatening for small children. So never sweeten teas for babies especially their first year with honey
Chocolate causes Acne
WRONG Cause for Acne are Acne-bacteria in the skin not chocolate
Vegetarians loose weight quicker
WRONG It doesn't matter whether you eat meat or not, but how many calories you take in. Many vegetarian foods have high calorie amounts i.e. Nuts, plant oils
Sweets do not contain vitamins
WRONG Marzipan and Nougat are filled with almonds and nuts so they have many vitamins especially Vitamin E and B6
Fresh bread causes stomach aches
WRONG This was told so people would use the old bread before the new bread
Brown Sugar is healthier than white sugar
WRONG Brown sugar barely differentiates itself from white sugar in its chemical roperties. Since brown sugar contains more water it is an excellent breeding ground for bacteria
Sweeteners make hungry
WRONG Sweeteners do not cause appetite, since they don't influence blood sugar or insulin levels that are responsible for a feeling of fullness
Mushrooms and Spinach should not be reheated
WRONG If kept in the fridge they can be reheated
Article 2
The biggest Diet Mistakes
Muesli makes slim
WRONG most Mueslis have to much sugar (added or fruit sugars) because of this it sometimes has more calories than sugar
Spicy spices burn fat
ONLY PARTIALLY RIGHT they heat the body and encourage blood spreading throughout the body but that does not raise fat burning to measurable levels
Margarine makes skinny
WRONG Although many improvements even light margarine has fat levels in the double digits (usually around 40%) therefore having a high calorie amount
Sex makes skinny
ONLY PARTIALLY RIGHT Sex raises activity and calorie usage but only minimally not comparable with jogging and biking
Butter makes skinny
WRONG Butter is almost completely made out of fat, and so has more calories than margarine. Even though a few shady studies have proven the opposite
Lemons loosen FAT
WRONG Lemon acid loosens fat only from surfaces (i.e. as a cleaner) but not in the body. Lemon juice diets don't have enough nutritional elements - DANGEROUS
Smoking makes Skinny
WRONG this legend started because many people gained weight once they quit but only because they changed their addiction to food
Weight loss by drinking tea
WRONG Tee is healthier (green tea protects from cancer) but doesn't cause weight loss. Unless you drink it unsweetened then it counts like water
Light products make light
WRONG They do often have less calories but they fill you up less so you eat more than if you ate the normal version making you gain weight
Sugar makes fat
ONLY PARTIALLY RIGHT sugar contains less calories than fat and is (in carb form) also in all grain products. Important is the amount consumed
Low-Carb diets work
WRONG diets with low-carbs (Atkins, South Beach) do show success in the beginnings. However latest after one year they stop working
Lots of small weights make skinny
WRONG for weight loss it doesn't matter if you eat 5 small meals or 3 large meals but the total amount of calories consumed
Eat half is the easiest
WRONG this method is easy but over a long period time it raises weight. You don't get enough vitamins or fiber
One cold glass before eating
WRONG Although the body needs energy to heat the water up but at 0.5 Liters Ice Water it's only 15 calories which is equal to half a cube of sugar
Fasting detoxifies and causes weight loss
WRONG You loose weight quickly in the beginning due to loss of water weight, later you are missing fats and protein - very unhealthy and over long term make fat
Pineapple stops fat
WRONG The enzymes in pineapple that are supposed to stop that don't work in your intestines. Therefore fat uptake is not changed or lessened
Sport makes fat disappear
WRONG Although it tones but 30 minutes of jogging only burns about the amount in a chocolate candy bar. More important: eat less
Article 3
Think yourself thin
*okay I'm not going to translate the whole article I'm just going to write out the main points*
1. How money influences weight
A study done by Eric A. Finkelstein with 200 overweight people included 3 groups of people. Group 1 got no money to loose weight, Group 2 got $7 per Kilo lost and Group 3 got $14. The group that got the most money per Kilo lost the most weight. This study basically showed that whether real or imagined if what your working for has a reward Dopamin is released. The more we think of it the more Dopamin is release and the higher the motivation is.
2. Why mirrors change our figures
People who want to loose weight should think of their mirror image. At the University of Connecticut showed that participants in a study that had a mirror hanging next to their fridge lost 20 lbs after several weeks while the group that didn't only lost 10 lbs
3. Why thinking can make you full
When you are hungry and think back to your last meal it will lower your appetite about 25%. A study at Birmingham University split up 47 female students into two groups. Women in the first group were told go through their whole day in their mind while the second group was told to think of their last meal. After wards they passed cookies out and the group that thought about their last meal ate 25% less cookies than the first group. Also the longer the meal had already passed, the stronger the detailed thoughts lowered the appetite.
4. How we loose weight in our sleep
Due to a coincidence a study at the Walter Reed Army Meidcal Center came to the conclusion that who thinks of getting enough sleep (7-8 hours a night) looses weight automatically. What they wanted to study was Heart health on nurses, what they noticed also was that the nurses who made sure to get enough sleep were slimmer than the ones who didn't. The scientist think that with less sleep less of the appetite stopping hormone Leptin is released
5. How thinking of the scale can lessen hunger
If you want to loose weight you should weigh yourself every day *I am so happy to read this because it makes it ok* At the University of Minnesota a study with 3000 participants, including the ones just wanting to keep their weight lost weight when they were confronted with their scale on a daily basis.
Article 4
Weight loss with the Thin-Clock
*Basically this article tells you when to eat what foods and why- I also just paraphrased it*
7am Nutritional scientist suggest drinking a warm glass of water with lemon on an empty stomach. Effect: The metabolism gets started and the enzymes in lemons help fat digestion
8am you may dig in at breakfast because your energy reserves are empty after sleep. If they aren't filled right away the brain sends out hunger signals. A breakfast with carbohydrates and protein let's us start the day optimally. Example: Whole-grain bread *remember german bread is being referred to here* tomato and cheese, unsweetened muesly with fruits and yogurt or milk. Taboo: White-Flour bread, sweet coffee specialties, chocolate spread raise our insulin levels quickly
10am Fruit are high in nutrients and are often 90% water, which fills with low calories. A small snack barely bothers insulin levels. Best are apples, berries, oranges, kiwis and grapefruits. Hands off fruit yogurt, dried fruits, and smoothies they are to high in sugar and later cause appetite
1pm- Best at lunch is fish and poultry and lean steaks. with it a large salad or veggies. Taboo are because of their high sugar levels carrots and peas. the intake of carbs should be limited allowed with large hunger are 2 potatoes or a small portion brown rice. No Noodles, french fries or fried potatoes or breaded meats or fish.
4pm- the second fruit snack gets fatburn started if they aren't extremely sweet like bananas, melons or grapes. if you like coffee you may have a cup with it. allowed is 1 Tbsp Milk no sugar. Alternatives: Herbal or black tea. both support the metabolism
7pm- Veggies or salad are low calorie and deliver important fiber in the evening. Protein supports fat burn especially well because they fill you up and support the production of growth hormones that speed up fat burn during sleep. Keeping away from Bread, noodles, and potatoes and high fat meats (salami, sausages, bologna) keep insulin levels low which are the best conditions for weight loss during sleep
10pm- This yogurt drink is the ideal sleep drink to burn fat. The nutrients in cucumber (calium, zinc, water) flush out water and toxins.
125g low fat yogurt
2Tbsp. cubed cucumber
4 chopped mint leaves
mix well
Article 1
The Biggest Mistakes about Eating Habits
When it is hot, eat less
WRONG Our body cannot use surrounding heat as energy. To keep a normal body temperature constantly when it's hot your
body needs even more energy - sweating costs energy
Man needs Warm meals daily
WRONG There is no scientific proof for this. It's better to eat lukewarm: Food that is to hot raises the risk for esophogous
cancer.
Eating late at night causes weight gain
WRONG Weight gain or loss does not depend on the time of consumption but the total amount of energy consumed throughout
the day. Weight gain happens when you take in more calories than you use.
Eggs are unhealthy and raise cholesterol
WRONG chicken eggs are among the healthiest foods, they contain almost all important nutritional elements, They do contain
cholesterol but not the dangerous LDL-cholesterol
Alkohol helps digestion
WRONG Beer and High % Alcohol interrupt the Fat-Metabolism and slow down digestion
Fat makes you sick
WRONG According to studies active bigger people are healthier than weak skinny people. Important: More plant fats than animal fats.
(Red)Wine is good for your heart
ONLY HALF RIGHT Alcohol raises blood pressure- cause for Heart Disease and Heart Attacks. Only Red Wine contains Polyphenole that protect against it. However: Maximum 1 Glass a Day
Honey is good for Babies with colds
WRONG A bacteria in Honey can be life threatening for small children. So never sweeten teas for babies especially their first year with honey
Chocolate causes Acne
WRONG Cause for Acne are Acne-bacteria in the skin not chocolate
Vegetarians loose weight quicker
WRONG It doesn't matter whether you eat meat or not, but how many calories you take in. Many vegetarian foods have high calorie amounts i.e. Nuts, plant oils
Sweets do not contain vitamins
WRONG Marzipan and Nougat are filled with almonds and nuts so they have many vitamins especially Vitamin E and B6
Fresh bread causes stomach aches
WRONG This was told so people would use the old bread before the new bread
Brown Sugar is healthier than white sugar
WRONG Brown sugar barely differentiates itself from white sugar in its chemical roperties. Since brown sugar contains more water it is an excellent breeding ground for bacteria
Sweeteners make hungry
WRONG Sweeteners do not cause appetite, since they don't influence blood sugar or insulin levels that are responsible for a feeling of fullness
Mushrooms and Spinach should not be reheated
WRONG If kept in the fridge they can be reheated
Article 2
The biggest Diet Mistakes
Muesli makes slim
WRONG most Mueslis have to much sugar (added or fruit sugars) because of this it sometimes has more calories than sugar
Spicy spices burn fat
ONLY PARTIALLY RIGHT they heat the body and encourage blood spreading throughout the body but that does not raise fat burning to measurable levels
Margarine makes skinny
WRONG Although many improvements even light margarine has fat levels in the double digits (usually around 40%) therefore having a high calorie amount
Sex makes skinny
ONLY PARTIALLY RIGHT Sex raises activity and calorie usage but only minimally not comparable with jogging and biking
Butter makes skinny
WRONG Butter is almost completely made out of fat, and so has more calories than margarine. Even though a few shady studies have proven the opposite
Lemons loosen FAT
WRONG Lemon acid loosens fat only from surfaces (i.e. as a cleaner) but not in the body. Lemon juice diets don't have enough nutritional elements - DANGEROUS
Smoking makes Skinny
WRONG this legend started because many people gained weight once they quit but only because they changed their addiction to food
Weight loss by drinking tea
WRONG Tee is healthier (green tea protects from cancer) but doesn't cause weight loss. Unless you drink it unsweetened then it counts like water
Light products make light
WRONG They do often have less calories but they fill you up less so you eat more than if you ate the normal version making you gain weight
Sugar makes fat
ONLY PARTIALLY RIGHT sugar contains less calories than fat and is (in carb form) also in all grain products. Important is the amount consumed
Low-Carb diets work
WRONG diets with low-carbs (Atkins, South Beach) do show success in the beginnings. However latest after one year they stop working
Lots of small weights make skinny
WRONG for weight loss it doesn't matter if you eat 5 small meals or 3 large meals but the total amount of calories consumed
Eat half is the easiest
WRONG this method is easy but over a long period time it raises weight. You don't get enough vitamins or fiber
One cold glass before eating
WRONG Although the body needs energy to heat the water up but at 0.5 Liters Ice Water it's only 15 calories which is equal to half a cube of sugar
Fasting detoxifies and causes weight loss
WRONG You loose weight quickly in the beginning due to loss of water weight, later you are missing fats and protein - very unhealthy and over long term make fat
Pineapple stops fat
WRONG The enzymes in pineapple that are supposed to stop that don't work in your intestines. Therefore fat uptake is not changed or lessened
Sport makes fat disappear
WRONG Although it tones but 30 minutes of jogging only burns about the amount in a chocolate candy bar. More important: eat less
Article 3
Think yourself thin
*okay I'm not going to translate the whole article I'm just going to write out the main points*
1. How money influences weight
A study done by Eric A. Finkelstein with 200 overweight people included 3 groups of people. Group 1 got no money to loose weight, Group 2 got $7 per Kilo lost and Group 3 got $14. The group that got the most money per Kilo lost the most weight. This study basically showed that whether real or imagined if what your working for has a reward Dopamin is released. The more we think of it the more Dopamin is release and the higher the motivation is.
2. Why mirrors change our figures
People who want to loose weight should think of their mirror image. At the University of Connecticut showed that participants in a study that had a mirror hanging next to their fridge lost 20 lbs after several weeks while the group that didn't only lost 10 lbs
3. Why thinking can make you full
When you are hungry and think back to your last meal it will lower your appetite about 25%. A study at Birmingham University split up 47 female students into two groups. Women in the first group were told go through their whole day in their mind while the second group was told to think of their last meal. After wards they passed cookies out and the group that thought about their last meal ate 25% less cookies than the first group. Also the longer the meal had already passed, the stronger the detailed thoughts lowered the appetite.
4. How we loose weight in our sleep
Due to a coincidence a study at the Walter Reed Army Meidcal Center came to the conclusion that who thinks of getting enough sleep (7-8 hours a night) looses weight automatically. What they wanted to study was Heart health on nurses, what they noticed also was that the nurses who made sure to get enough sleep were slimmer than the ones who didn't. The scientist think that with less sleep less of the appetite stopping hormone Leptin is released
5. How thinking of the scale can lessen hunger
If you want to loose weight you should weigh yourself every day *I am so happy to read this because it makes it ok* At the University of Minnesota a study with 3000 participants, including the ones just wanting to keep their weight lost weight when they were confronted with their scale on a daily basis.
Article 4
Weight loss with the Thin-Clock
*Basically this article tells you when to eat what foods and why- I also just paraphrased it*
7am Nutritional scientist suggest drinking a warm glass of water with lemon on an empty stomach. Effect: The metabolism gets started and the enzymes in lemons help fat digestion
8am you may dig in at breakfast because your energy reserves are empty after sleep. If they aren't filled right away the brain sends out hunger signals. A breakfast with carbohydrates and protein let's us start the day optimally. Example: Whole-grain bread *remember german bread is being referred to here* tomato and cheese, unsweetened muesly with fruits and yogurt or milk. Taboo: White-Flour bread, sweet coffee specialties, chocolate spread raise our insulin levels quickly
10am Fruit are high in nutrients and are often 90% water, which fills with low calories. A small snack barely bothers insulin levels. Best are apples, berries, oranges, kiwis and grapefruits. Hands off fruit yogurt, dried fruits, and smoothies they are to high in sugar and later cause appetite
1pm- Best at lunch is fish and poultry and lean steaks. with it a large salad or veggies. Taboo are because of their high sugar levels carrots and peas. the intake of carbs should be limited allowed with large hunger are 2 potatoes or a small portion brown rice. No Noodles, french fries or fried potatoes or breaded meats or fish.
4pm- the second fruit snack gets fatburn started if they aren't extremely sweet like bananas, melons or grapes. if you like coffee you may have a cup with it. allowed is 1 Tbsp Milk no sugar. Alternatives: Herbal or black tea. both support the metabolism
7pm- Veggies or salad are low calorie and deliver important fiber in the evening. Protein supports fat burn especially well because they fill you up and support the production of growth hormones that speed up fat burn during sleep. Keeping away from Bread, noodles, and potatoes and high fat meats (salami, sausages, bologna) keep insulin levels low which are the best conditions for weight loss during sleep
10pm- This yogurt drink is the ideal sleep drink to burn fat. The nutrients in cucumber (calium, zinc, water) flush out water and toxins.
125g low fat yogurt
2Tbsp. cubed cucumber
4 chopped mint leaves
mix well
Something to ponder
So in order to keep from turning the kitchen upside down for something to munch on I looked up some quotes about food and eating and such...I find them really good. But before that a whore out (^_^)
Avani who's blog is called Starving Artists. She just recently started it, and she needs followers, also so far I like reading it, plus if you start following now there aren't to many posts to catch up with!! Plus she likes my blog which clearly shows how awesome she is. LOL
Ok now to the quotes enjoy:
Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live ~ Socrates
If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner ~ H.S. Leigh
Preach not to others what they should eat, but eat as becomes you, and be silent ~ Epictetus (yeah people around me need to follow this)
The one way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life ~ Cyril Connoll0y
If only it was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate. ~Diogenes the Cynic
Great eaters and great sleepers are incapable of anything else that is great. ~Henry IV of France
Eat little, sleep sound. ~Iranian Proverb
The more you eat, the less flavor; the less you eat, the more flavor. ~Chinese Proverb
In general, mankind, since the improvement in cookery, eats twice as much as nature requires. ~Benjamin Franklin
He that eats till he is sick must fast till he is well. ~English Proverb
The belly is ungrateful--it always forgets we already gave it something. ~ Russian Proverb
To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~ Proverb
Avani who's blog is called Starving Artists. She just recently started it, and she needs followers, also so far I like reading it, plus if you start following now there aren't to many posts to catch up with!! Plus she likes my blog which clearly shows how awesome she is. LOL
Ok now to the quotes enjoy:
Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live ~ Socrates
If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner ~ H.S. Leigh
Preach not to others what they should eat, but eat as becomes you, and be silent ~ Epictetus (yeah people around me need to follow this)
The one way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life ~ Cyril Connoll0y
If only it was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate. ~Diogenes the Cynic
Great eaters and great sleepers are incapable of anything else that is great. ~Henry IV of France
Eat little, sleep sound. ~Iranian Proverb
The more you eat, the less flavor; the less you eat, the more flavor. ~Chinese Proverb
In general, mankind, since the improvement in cookery, eats twice as much as nature requires. ~Benjamin Franklin
He that eats till he is sick must fast till he is well. ~English Proverb
The belly is ungrateful--it always forgets we already gave it something. ~ Russian Proverb
To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~ Proverb
man
ok so my back is still fucked. at least i'm drinking a lot yesterday i had about 3 liters of tea. but i still ate, it's kinda hard not to when oji-san (grandpa) keeps saying, you don't eat enough that's why you are like this. so as long as they are here or rather i'm staying in this house i'll have to eat. kind of normal. i can skip breakfast but not lunch and dinner. they'll actually go out of their way to cook vegan for me. they eat mostly vegetarian but for me they'll make an extra pot without the butter. yesterday it was soup.
on the bright side i ordered myself a step aerobics video. yeah taking it back to the 80's i might even wear leg warmers when i work out. i would wear the leotard but god i would probably scare the shit out of anybody who saw me, including myself. i love step aerobics so i'm hoping i'll stick to it. i'm glad my stepper is already unpacked, which of course doesn't do me any good while my back is still fucked up, and i'm not at home.
i brought two dvds with me, pilates and qi gong, i can forget about doing pilates but i might just pop in the qi gong and see how far i can take it with the pain. it might not burn a lot of calories but at least it's some sort of motion and might help my back since it's slow.
the P.U.s are coming back on wednesday. thank goodness. don't have to worry about the shop after that and i can take my ass home. my very unfinished home without a kitchen however i can start looking for a kitchen once their back because i'll have the transportation means for it then. oh happy fucking day. i need a kitchen because then all the stuff will be organized and i can use a scale for exact measurements.
i haven't weighed myself lately because the scale is still downstairs and i always forget to go down there before i drink anything. i refuse to step on the scale after any consumption because i'm scared enough of the number as it is because while working this week i had chinese food. lots of it, i'd forget purging is not an option.
well guys stay strong, i also have 1 more follower, makes me happy, in my pants. i need to really get strong also for all the followers, what's the point in following me if it's only whining right?
anyway
stay strong
MUAH
on the bright side i ordered myself a step aerobics video. yeah taking it back to the 80's i might even wear leg warmers when i work out. i would wear the leotard but god i would probably scare the shit out of anybody who saw me, including myself. i love step aerobics so i'm hoping i'll stick to it. i'm glad my stepper is already unpacked, which of course doesn't do me any good while my back is still fucked up, and i'm not at home.
i brought two dvds with me, pilates and qi gong, i can forget about doing pilates but i might just pop in the qi gong and see how far i can take it with the pain. it might not burn a lot of calories but at least it's some sort of motion and might help my back since it's slow.
the P.U.s are coming back on wednesday. thank goodness. don't have to worry about the shop after that and i can take my ass home. my very unfinished home without a kitchen however i can start looking for a kitchen once their back because i'll have the transportation means for it then. oh happy fucking day. i need a kitchen because then all the stuff will be organized and i can use a scale for exact measurements.
i haven't weighed myself lately because the scale is still downstairs and i always forget to go down there before i drink anything. i refuse to step on the scale after any consumption because i'm scared enough of the number as it is because while working this week i had chinese food. lots of it, i'd forget purging is not an option.
well guys stay strong, i also have 1 more follower, makes me happy, in my pants. i need to really get strong also for all the followers, what's the point in following me if it's only whining right?
anyway
stay strong
MUAH
Friday, September 24, 2010
not really a reading necessity
turn your blog into a book?
i just saw the add...wow if i turned this into a book somebody could find it and then...wooooooow
shit would really hit the fucking fan...scaryyyy
i just saw the add...wow if i turned this into a book somebody could find it and then...wooooooow
shit would really hit the fucking fan...scaryyyy
yay
i'm up to 17 followers today.
however i'm still in bitch mode so i apologize for the angry negative whiny post following
however i'm a fat ass pig. i hope for each and every person that ever reads this post that you never hurt your back. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy...actually i would wish it on any bitch i never liked and hope she gets sooo fat because she can't move....oh yeah pain can make one spiteful.
besides the back pain let me fill you in
on saturday my P.U.s had to fly to the states to turn off the machines that were keeping my grandmother (fahjas side) alive because she was practically a vegetable after having fallen into a coma. i know i should be super sad but after my sadness-binge i was fine with the exception of hating myself. well on sunday morning i fucked up my back. my grandparents came that day (the ones i couldn't live without) which was great because little one needed attention and mommy couldn't give it because well i couldn't fucking move.
anyway so now this week i've been working in my mother's shop to help out while the grandparents are watching mini me. now why did i share all this? because i just wanted to let each one of you know:
I HATE WORKING WITH PEOPLE
they make me way to self conscious, I already feel like a lard ass but their eyes make me feel like i'm spreading an inch a second...crazy? yeah I know (but I got the hospital stay to prove it)
another reason i wanted to share that information was because being that my grandparents were coming down anyway to help me out and such i could've went to work out...nobody supports that shit more than my grandparents...those to athletic fuckers (said in a jealous tone) go running every other day. how awesome is that? extremely awesome, however it sucks fucking ass cheeks that the athleticism skipped my genes...i got all the fat genes from my bio-fahja dammit. well now that i would've had the chance to work out without a mini-me interruption i've knocked out my back indulging in one of my favorite past times....i wish it would've been a great lay or something
anyway
stay lovely guys
stay strong
muah
EDIT:
this chicky needs followers, she's just starting out so check her out
her name is Lindsey
anyone else need whoring???? (^_^)
however i'm still in bitch mode so i apologize for the angry negative whiny post following
however i'm a fat ass pig. i hope for each and every person that ever reads this post that you never hurt your back. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy...actually i would wish it on any bitch i never liked and hope she gets sooo fat because she can't move....oh yeah pain can make one spiteful.
besides the back pain let me fill you in
on saturday my P.U.s had to fly to the states to turn off the machines that were keeping my grandmother (fahjas side) alive because she was practically a vegetable after having fallen into a coma. i know i should be super sad but after my sadness-binge i was fine with the exception of hating myself. well on sunday morning i fucked up my back. my grandparents came that day (the ones i couldn't live without) which was great because little one needed attention and mommy couldn't give it because well i couldn't fucking move.
anyway so now this week i've been working in my mother's shop to help out while the grandparents are watching mini me. now why did i share all this? because i just wanted to let each one of you know:
I HATE WORKING WITH PEOPLE
they make me way to self conscious, I already feel like a lard ass but their eyes make me feel like i'm spreading an inch a second...crazy? yeah I know (but I got the hospital stay to prove it)
another reason i wanted to share that information was because being that my grandparents were coming down anyway to help me out and such i could've went to work out...nobody supports that shit more than my grandparents...those to athletic fuckers (said in a jealous tone) go running every other day. how awesome is that? extremely awesome, however it sucks fucking ass cheeks that the athleticism skipped my genes...i got all the fat genes from my bio-fahja dammit. well now that i would've had the chance to work out without a mini-me interruption i've knocked out my back indulging in one of my favorite past times....i wish it would've been a great lay or something
anyway
stay lovely guys
stay strong
muah
EDIT:
this chicky needs followers, she's just starting out so check her out
her name is Lindsey
anyone else need whoring???? (^_^)
Thursday, September 23, 2010
If you really knew me...
|
Monday, September 20, 2010
man this sucks
ok so yesterday after i had a mini-binge as I was kneeling down purging i fucked up my back. i don't really know how it happened maybe the violence of the purge just knocked something outta place but let's just say i could barely move yesterday and i couldn't get all of the binge out. wtf, is it a sign from above/below? i don't know but it's fucked up. i couldn't weigh myself this morning because the scale is in the downstairs bathroom and my back and the stairs are not on good terms right now. I could ask my grandparents to bring it up but I hate asking them to do stuff for me because well they are already doing so much just helping me with mini-me. this one is short because sitting is also super uncomfortable but i'm getting better. i wanted to start with qi gong and pilates today but i guess that'll just have to wait until i can move properly again.
i've been watching skins, i'm now on season 3. oh it's a good show but in my head i now talk with a british accent. retarded right?
stay strong
muah
i've been watching skins, i'm now on season 3. oh it's a good show but in my head i now talk with a british accent. retarded right?
stay strong
muah
Sunday, September 19, 2010
OMG
I'm at 165.3 lbs (75kg). Oh yeah happy dance happy dance happy happy happy dance. Before I left my moms I was always around 77, but somehow I managed to drop 2kg. This is freaking awesome.
However I will have to admit, yesterday everything I ate was purged with the exception of a tomato & black olive salad. I probably didn't drink enough either. I will be making up for that today. I just made myself 1L of tea. I'm just waiting for it to cool off because I have a killer headache. Probably dehydration. But for that result it's worth it. I am much more motivated than I have been since....I don't know how long.
Yippeee....
now some thinspo
Stay Strong
MUAH
However I will have to admit, yesterday everything I ate was purged with the exception of a tomato & black olive salad. I probably didn't drink enough either. I will be making up for that today. I just made myself 1L of tea. I'm just waiting for it to cool off because I have a killer headache. Probably dehydration. But for that result it's worth it. I am much more motivated than I have been since....I don't know how long.
Yippeee....
now some thinspo
Stay Strong
MUAH
Friday, September 17, 2010
since i lack discipline...
i've decided to make myself a spread sheet. i will record my complete calorie intake, that includes binges and everything because i need to do something to get back on track because i do not need to be fat!!!
i'll post my results in the evenings!!!
i'll post my results in the evenings!!!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Hypocrite much?
Oh yeah talking about myself. After a final attempt in giving myself a kick in the ass with the previous post (and possibly you guys to...idk), I've horribly failed.
Yesterday went something like this:
Binge, Purge
Binge, Purge
Binge, Purge
Order from Delivery Service
Binge, Purge
Binge, Purge
Binge, Purge
and then every left over Binging material was finished off with a similar pattern.
disgusting I know. I spend about 50 Euros on binging food yesterday...alone the money should be enough to keep me from doing it.
I don't even know how much I binged and purged but I'm sure the binging amount rivaled a supersize vs. superskinny participants daily intake.
I am kinda disgusted with myself however on another end i'm proud because i actually always went to purge. i didn't try to keep it in. so maybe that kick in the ass did work just not in the way i wanted it to.
i do believe thinking positive helps however. i'll stick to that. but the binging has to stop as do the multiple purges a day. i know it's bad for me but it is addicting and it does make me feel better but i do want to be there for my kid in the future so i need to seriously stop the excessive purging.
I want my restriction back
I am so sorry to all my followers for not having been very positive in my posting recently. please forgive me!!!!
Stay Strong (stronger than me!)!!!
MUAH
Yesterday went something like this:
Binge, Purge
Binge, Purge
Binge, Purge
Order from Delivery Service
Binge, Purge
Binge, Purge
Binge, Purge
and then every left over Binging material was finished off with a similar pattern.
disgusting I know. I spend about 50 Euros on binging food yesterday...alone the money should be enough to keep me from doing it.
I don't even know how much I binged and purged but I'm sure the binging amount rivaled a supersize vs. superskinny participants daily intake.
I am kinda disgusted with myself however on another end i'm proud because i actually always went to purge. i didn't try to keep it in. so maybe that kick in the ass did work just not in the way i wanted it to.
i do believe thinking positive helps however. i'll stick to that. but the binging has to stop as do the multiple purges a day. i know it's bad for me but it is addicting and it does make me feel better but i do want to be there for my kid in the future so i need to seriously stop the excessive purging.
I want my restriction back
I am so sorry to all my followers for not having been very positive in my posting recently. please forgive me!!!!
Stay Strong (stronger than me!)!!!
MUAH
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Ugh...but still a kinda lecture
Ok so I just binged...and purged. I woke up this morning feeling nauseous after I don't know...I just woke up that way. However by the time I was done with my appointment about getting my kitchen (which has been approved I should have the money next week), I wasn't feeling sick anymore but I had to get groceries and well I bought mostly shit. Truth be told as I was sitting on the bus I was planning that shit out. Pathetic I know...
Anyway now on to what I've been wanting to write since early this morning:
We need to think positively I know it sounds like bullshit but that shit works. That's how I got started on my journey and I've just now remembered it.
We mostly feel ugly and fat, well why else would we be on this journey of weight loss right? Others tell us we're beautiful but we don't believe them regardless of how much we may love to hear it we still feel bullshitted...
We need to tell ourselves everyday that we are going to be our goal weight and the rest will probably follow naturally. with that i do not mean just by thinking positive the weight will come up but we will feel more natural following whatever way we have set out for ourselves. I've started telling myself in a chipper and happy voice "I will be 50kg, I will be 50kg, I will be 50kg" because when I first started the weight I was wishing for was higher but the more I told myself the easier I found restriction.
I know it might sound crazy and lunatic kinda something out of a self-help book but trust me people that shit works.
We attract what we put out. If we put out positive thoughts for our weight loss, it will be that much easier. I like to think it's the energy of the world and universe at work but it's probably just self mind-fucking yourself to believe it's easy.
We must stop talking about how hard it is and start telling ourselves we will get to where we are going.
I know it's not going to be easy all the time and we will fall down but hell if we try to stay positive then at least we can get our shrinking asses back up again.
At least this is what I will be doing from now on telling myself where I will get and just know what I do will get easier to do.
I don't know how to really end this post, take it as you will? use it or don't? Try it, it might work for you?
I don't know...anyway guys
Stay Strong
MUAH
Anyway now on to what I've been wanting to write since early this morning:
We need to think positively I know it sounds like bullshit but that shit works. That's how I got started on my journey and I've just now remembered it.
We mostly feel ugly and fat, well why else would we be on this journey of weight loss right? Others tell us we're beautiful but we don't believe them regardless of how much we may love to hear it we still feel bullshitted...
We need to tell ourselves everyday that we are going to be our goal weight and the rest will probably follow naturally. with that i do not mean just by thinking positive the weight will come up but we will feel more natural following whatever way we have set out for ourselves. I've started telling myself in a chipper and happy voice "I will be 50kg, I will be 50kg, I will be 50kg" because when I first started the weight I was wishing for was higher but the more I told myself the easier I found restriction.
I know it might sound crazy and lunatic kinda something out of a self-help book but trust me people that shit works.
We attract what we put out. If we put out positive thoughts for our weight loss, it will be that much easier. I like to think it's the energy of the world and universe at work but it's probably just self mind-fucking yourself to believe it's easy.
We must stop talking about how hard it is and start telling ourselves we will get to where we are going.
I know it's not going to be easy all the time and we will fall down but hell if we try to stay positive then at least we can get our shrinking asses back up again.
At least this is what I will be doing from now on telling myself where I will get and just know what I do will get easier to do.
I don't know how to really end this post, take it as you will? use it or don't? Try it, it might work for you?
I don't know...anyway guys
Stay Strong
MUAH
Sunday, September 12, 2010
another post filled with whining...
i hate my bookshelves. i've organized most of them. I have four bookshelves. one for non-fiction, two for novels, one for kiddie and teenie books. I have the kid books and novels organized alphabetically by author. I haven't even done the non-fiction yet. why do i hate them? because the sizes are all fucked up. i can't fucking stand it. why can't all books have standard sizes? why can't authors stick to one size? so why don't i organize them by size? because i hate having them out of alphabetical order. ughh this is so fucking bothersome!!! i wish i had a magic wand to make all books the same sizes!! i can't get rid of them either i love books. this will probably bother me forever.
i really want to stop eating but i can't seem to. i hate going to grocery stores i never been to before and finding more shit that's vegan friendly. why does there have to be vegan ice cream and cookies? been binging on those this past week. why do i sometimes purge and sometimes not? i don't know. it's like sometimes i want to make my mistake better and sometimes i want the punishment. however why do i even have to get myself in that situation? why can't i just not eat? i also catch myself making excuses in my head. at first it was just wait until i get into my own place, well now i'm here and my new excuse is once i have a kitchen.
let me tell you the truth on why i miss smoking pot so much...it helped me not eat. i know most people get the munchies i somehow talk myself into how disgusting food is in a high state of mind. i want to smoke so bad. i feel like it gives me more control, however i only have that control in that aspect. i shouldn't smoke. i really shouldn't i know but it's so fucking tempting. let me escape for a little while please...however i don't deserve escape what i need to do is get a fucking grip on myself. i know i can do it, i have fucking goals i need to reach. weight goals and life goals. i can't do that just whining about how much i'm fucking up. even though i'm writing this now will i stick to it? i really don't know. it's fucking ridiculous.
the last few posts have been nothing but me whining about my lack of self control. i hate whiners...i hate myself. i just need to get a grip.
i still haven't been to my mom's house to get the rest of my shit. why? well partially because of laziness but also because i'm fucking terrified of my scale. i forgot it there. and i fear it now because i know once i have it i'll have to get on it and once i'll get on it...well with several binges we know what that means. unless i'm lucky somehow but luck isn't my strong suit.
i need to figure out how to get this eating under control. i know i'm not eating out of hunger. i think it's boredom but i shouldn't be bored. however i am. i need to work on my apartment but i'm lazy. well guys sorry about another rant
stay strong
MUAH
i really want to stop eating but i can't seem to. i hate going to grocery stores i never been to before and finding more shit that's vegan friendly. why does there have to be vegan ice cream and cookies? been binging on those this past week. why do i sometimes purge and sometimes not? i don't know. it's like sometimes i want to make my mistake better and sometimes i want the punishment. however why do i even have to get myself in that situation? why can't i just not eat? i also catch myself making excuses in my head. at first it was just wait until i get into my own place, well now i'm here and my new excuse is once i have a kitchen.
let me tell you the truth on why i miss smoking pot so much...it helped me not eat. i know most people get the munchies i somehow talk myself into how disgusting food is in a high state of mind. i want to smoke so bad. i feel like it gives me more control, however i only have that control in that aspect. i shouldn't smoke. i really shouldn't i know but it's so fucking tempting. let me escape for a little while please...however i don't deserve escape what i need to do is get a fucking grip on myself. i know i can do it, i have fucking goals i need to reach. weight goals and life goals. i can't do that just whining about how much i'm fucking up. even though i'm writing this now will i stick to it? i really don't know. it's fucking ridiculous.
the last few posts have been nothing but me whining about my lack of self control. i hate whiners...i hate myself. i just need to get a grip.
i still haven't been to my mom's house to get the rest of my shit. why? well partially because of laziness but also because i'm fucking terrified of my scale. i forgot it there. and i fear it now because i know once i have it i'll have to get on it and once i'll get on it...well with several binges we know what that means. unless i'm lucky somehow but luck isn't my strong suit.
i need to figure out how to get this eating under control. i know i'm not eating out of hunger. i think it's boredom but i shouldn't be bored. however i am. i need to work on my apartment but i'm lazy. well guys sorry about another rant
stay strong
MUAH
Saturday, September 11, 2010
thinspiration is...
your kid playing with your back fat!!!
i binged yesterday purged binged again didn't purge.
i'm getting my scale today hope seeing the numbers give me the push
i need to start drinking coffee again
this ones short
stay strong
muah
i binged yesterday purged binged again didn't purge.
i'm getting my scale today hope seeing the numbers give me the push
i need to start drinking coffee again
this ones short
stay strong
muah
Thursday, September 9, 2010
i'm back
so it's time to update you guys on what i've been up to since my release from the hospital and day clinic, besides the obvious move and the whining about my lack of self control.
but i'll start with my eating since that is what this blog is supposed to be mostly about.
basically i've been going through binge and purge lately. i think somewhere deep down inside it's more because i can now whenever i want pretty much. let's ignore the fact that it's bad for my health and the fact that when i do purge i feel really guilty because i look at myself as a loser because it feels like the purging is just an excuse for me to not use self control however i do enjoy it on some level.
as of tomorrow it's time to start a new. i will probably start my self control as i did before. constantly talking to myself, asking myself are you really hungry. i need to start drinking more. i know for a fact that i don't drink enough liquid throughout the day. but since i've unpacked all my teas now i don't really have any excuse. and when i eat i need to really start drinking the ginger tea after, since it helps boost the metabolism and burn fat. i also plan on starting some sort of work out. don't know quite what yet but i'm starting to find all my work out dvds so that would be a good place to start. plus mini me can join in. i miss my scale i forgot it at my moms house but i'm going on saturday so i should be ok until then but it bugs me not to have it. I'll try to see it positively and say this just gives me a few days of getting back into the swing of things.
well let's see what else....i don't think to much else has happened that's even worth a mention...
as of tomorrow i'll start keeping a food diary on here again and once i have my scale i'll update on my weight much as i did in the beginning and also update on the side there.
EDIT: one part somehow got completely cut out damn it
since i've gotten out of the hospital i've had a social worker to help me with all the important stuff that's official. i'm glad, she's a big help and i don't have to make the phone calls that just bring up my social anxiety. she's nice as well. plus mini-me likes her.
i'm gonna cut my hair pretty soon. i just want to start a new and that includes me cutting off my hair. when i know when i'll do a before and after.
i realized my bath tub is shorter than the one in my old apartment which kinda sucks but taking a bath was just as awesome!!!
oh just watched a program called red it's a star magazine and they basically where talking about curvy celebs and how skinny is out....sorry that's a trend i can't follow i'm a fat ass now not feeling it, i can't lie to myself like i used to and say big is beautiful and i'm happy that way...fuck that
i wanna look hungry!!!
stay strong
muah
but i'll start with my eating since that is what this blog is supposed to be mostly about.
basically i've been going through binge and purge lately. i think somewhere deep down inside it's more because i can now whenever i want pretty much. let's ignore the fact that it's bad for my health and the fact that when i do purge i feel really guilty because i look at myself as a loser because it feels like the purging is just an excuse for me to not use self control however i do enjoy it on some level.
as of tomorrow it's time to start a new. i will probably start my self control as i did before. constantly talking to myself, asking myself are you really hungry. i need to start drinking more. i know for a fact that i don't drink enough liquid throughout the day. but since i've unpacked all my teas now i don't really have any excuse. and when i eat i need to really start drinking the ginger tea after, since it helps boost the metabolism and burn fat. i also plan on starting some sort of work out. don't know quite what yet but i'm starting to find all my work out dvds so that would be a good place to start. plus mini me can join in. i miss my scale i forgot it at my moms house but i'm going on saturday so i should be ok until then but it bugs me not to have it. I'll try to see it positively and say this just gives me a few days of getting back into the swing of things.
well let's see what else....i don't think to much else has happened that's even worth a mention...
as of tomorrow i'll start keeping a food diary on here again and once i have my scale i'll update on my weight much as i did in the beginning and also update on the side there.
EDIT: one part somehow got completely cut out damn it
since i've gotten out of the hospital i've had a social worker to help me with all the important stuff that's official. i'm glad, she's a big help and i don't have to make the phone calls that just bring up my social anxiety. she's nice as well. plus mini-me likes her.
i'm gonna cut my hair pretty soon. i just want to start a new and that includes me cutting off my hair. when i know when i'll do a before and after.
i realized my bath tub is shorter than the one in my old apartment which kinda sucks but taking a bath was just as awesome!!!
oh just watched a program called red it's a star magazine and they basically where talking about curvy celebs and how skinny is out....sorry that's a trend i can't follow i'm a fat ass now not feeling it, i can't lie to myself like i used to and say big is beautiful and i'm happy that way...fuck that
i wanna look hungry!!!
stay strong
muah
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
ok since i'm a lazy bum and i'm using my phone this is short. i might have internet as of tomorrow yay i tried posting on some blogs but it won't let me with my phon idk why. sleeping in my place is great even without a kitchen no more bitching from mom and any unnecessary eating can freely be followed by a purge (i know its bad but it feels so fucking good) i should do a better update tomorrow if my friend can loan me that internet stick
stay strong
MUAH
stay strong
MUAH
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
so excited
well i still haven't moved (sunday my mom was no help since she was all hung over, and today i had the worst day of my cold)t' but i'm def moving in the afternoon it's 3 am right now and that i'm still up it's ridiculous but i can't seem to sleep. i watched the first episode of skins (thanks lola) and i loved it.
why am i excited? because tomorrow i start anew, i can finally restrict in peace. today i found out i can get a full time day care spot paid for so i'm excited, now i just have to find the day care center who will provide me with it.
maybe it's a small shimmer of hope.
also i'm excited to be able to take a bath. not a shower but a bath. i haven't had one in so long. i don't really do it at my parents house because "my" bathroom only has a shower in it, plus i like my privacy and i can't get it here.
oh i'm feeling happy.
also i really hope to get more bloggy after my move
why am i excited? because tomorrow i start anew, i can finally restrict in peace. today i found out i can get a full time day care spot paid for so i'm excited, now i just have to find the day care center who will provide me with it.
maybe it's a small shimmer of hope.
also i'm excited to be able to take a bath. not a shower but a bath. i haven't had one in so long. i don't really do it at my parents house because "my" bathroom only has a shower in it, plus i like my privacy and i can't get it here.
oh i'm feeling happy.
also i really hope to get more bloggy after my move
Saturday, September 4, 2010
long overdue update (this ones for you lola (^_^))
warning a big jumble
so my mom is completely drunk and this is the only place i can post it. it's funny because now i see where my drunk antics come from the whole I love everyone thing. however it worries me. I hope she doesn't turn into an alcoholic because i have the slight suspicion she's drinking due to stress and lately she's been drinking more often and by herself. she also just smoked my cig away from me...and she's been a non smoker since the past 12 years now. hmmm...
well onto me...
i'm currently moving into my new place as of tomorrow i'll be sleeping there. it's been stressful. i've been tired. i haven't taken my meds in a while now and i need to because i'm not feeling any emotion towards my mini me lately. which scares me because it's like i'm returning to the person i was before i got into the hospital and started therapy. it's also scary because i don't know if it's the meds that make me love her or the chemical imbalance gets fixed with the meds and just allows me to be normal and who I really am. i just don't know. it's scary and worrying me. i once again feel like things aren't moving forward as they should. i don't know if it's just my impatience.
i might have a day care spot but it's a catholic day care, which would be ok if it wasn't for my mom and my grandparents who are die hard "freethinkers" (their way of saying atheist) and yelling at me and telling me how i should not do that to my child and dumb her down etc. so freaking stressful and it's not even definite if she'll go there since it's just a half-day daycare and i'd rather have her in a full day daycare so i can start working full time.
oh god here comes my drunk mother getting another cigarette. she is really drunk hopefully i can get sleep tonight. at least she's on the phone with a good friend who'll hopefully talk some sense into her.
i'm happy to move into my place tomorrow however it's far from complete, i don't have a kitchen yet and i haven't gotten the money from the welfare department for it yet which sucks ass cheeks. i don't care about me since once i move i can starve and purge in peace once more which i really need to do anyway because i'm a fatass still floating around 77kg. which i know once i start drinking more i'll lose some of that because i've been pretty bad with that lately. we all know drinking is the #1 rule to dropping weight. however i need to be able to feed my kid and all i have is an electric wok, a microwave, a water boiler, a toaster and a coffee maker. so bothersome. sorry mini me.
purging...haven't done it to much lately except when i was moving into my new apartment and was there by myself unpacking boxes and let me tell you my toilet sucks, that bowl is so shallow i have to clean clean the toilet everytime because food just splatters everywhere, i know gross but it's just a fact of my life. maybe i'll take a picture for you guys of the toilet so you know what not to get should you ever choose to buy one for some unknown reason lol.
(my mom just came in again she smells like an alky bum)
i hope i can update more often now that i'm moving because i just need the privacy but my internet isn't on at my new place so i'll have to use my phone which kinda sucks because it'll take forever to post and whatnot. also i hope to catch up on all the blogs i'm following because i haven't. i've been a bad blogger and follower. I deserve a spanking...wait i might like that...i deserve punishment lol.
i have so many things to update but i can't seem to think of them right now i'll need to take notes throughout the day when i think of something so i can post.
lately i've been craving weed. i'm even dreaming about it. i just want a j. however i know if i smoke i can't keep it at the just having fun level. i'd eventually start smoking on a regular basis and turn into the same person i was before april. i can't do that.
i feel like my life is out of control right now. i can't control my weight or the things around me. my mother is being a control freak about everything as well. i keep telling myself once i'm moved out i'll be ok. everything will fall into place but somehow i lack any kind of hope for that. sometimes i just wish i was in a fatal car crash or shot in a mugging. i know most people would say kill yourself but call it being a pussy i feel like i can't do that because of mini me. i want to be there for her but at the same time i don't want to be here. i just want to control my life again. i want to actually enjoy it. i want to be the skinny bitch i should be. i feel like until i'm at my ultimate weight i can't find happiness. and i'm hating myself for not getting there and not having the control to get there.
i found a new fave band (called LuLu) and the lead singer is hotness...underweight hotness at that i calculated his bmi (thank you japanese bands for posting your artists heights and weights) it's 15.7(112.4lbs[51kg] at 5'9[181cm]), it kind of makes me want to strive for that bmi. i know it's unhealthy and so far away but it's so beautiful. here's pics so you can see him:
oh yeah i love me some men in makeup. well who said i'm normal (^_^)
it's funny when i first started loosing weight and before i started loosing i was anti-bones in the sense that i didn't want them poking out but over time i found them pleasing to the eye and beautiful. tastes can change eh?
well i'm ready from my bones to show i hope after tonight i can finally know what it's like to feel hungry again. god i'm craving weed right now.
well i'll try to update as much as i possibly can while i don't have internet at my house
ta ta ladies and gents (if any are reading)
Stay Strong
MUAH
so my mom is completely drunk and this is the only place i can post it. it's funny because now i see where my drunk antics come from the whole I love everyone thing. however it worries me. I hope she doesn't turn into an alcoholic because i have the slight suspicion she's drinking due to stress and lately she's been drinking more often and by herself. she also just smoked my cig away from me...and she's been a non smoker since the past 12 years now. hmmm...
well onto me...
i'm currently moving into my new place as of tomorrow i'll be sleeping there. it's been stressful. i've been tired. i haven't taken my meds in a while now and i need to because i'm not feeling any emotion towards my mini me lately. which scares me because it's like i'm returning to the person i was before i got into the hospital and started therapy. it's also scary because i don't know if it's the meds that make me love her or the chemical imbalance gets fixed with the meds and just allows me to be normal and who I really am. i just don't know. it's scary and worrying me. i once again feel like things aren't moving forward as they should. i don't know if it's just my impatience.
i might have a day care spot but it's a catholic day care, which would be ok if it wasn't for my mom and my grandparents who are die hard "freethinkers" (their way of saying atheist) and yelling at me and telling me how i should not do that to my child and dumb her down etc. so freaking stressful and it's not even definite if she'll go there since it's just a half-day daycare and i'd rather have her in a full day daycare so i can start working full time.
oh god here comes my drunk mother getting another cigarette. she is really drunk hopefully i can get sleep tonight. at least she's on the phone with a good friend who'll hopefully talk some sense into her.
i'm happy to move into my place tomorrow however it's far from complete, i don't have a kitchen yet and i haven't gotten the money from the welfare department for it yet which sucks ass cheeks. i don't care about me since once i move i can starve and purge in peace once more which i really need to do anyway because i'm a fatass still floating around 77kg. which i know once i start drinking more i'll lose some of that because i've been pretty bad with that lately. we all know drinking is the #1 rule to dropping weight. however i need to be able to feed my kid and all i have is an electric wok, a microwave, a water boiler, a toaster and a coffee maker. so bothersome. sorry mini me.
purging...haven't done it to much lately except when i was moving into my new apartment and was there by myself unpacking boxes and let me tell you my toilet sucks, that bowl is so shallow i have to clean clean the toilet everytime because food just splatters everywhere, i know gross but it's just a fact of my life. maybe i'll take a picture for you guys of the toilet so you know what not to get should you ever choose to buy one for some unknown reason lol.
(my mom just came in again she smells like an alky bum)
i hope i can update more often now that i'm moving because i just need the privacy but my internet isn't on at my new place so i'll have to use my phone which kinda sucks because it'll take forever to post and whatnot. also i hope to catch up on all the blogs i'm following because i haven't. i've been a bad blogger and follower. I deserve a spanking...wait i might like that...i deserve punishment lol.
i have so many things to update but i can't seem to think of them right now i'll need to take notes throughout the day when i think of something so i can post.
lately i've been craving weed. i'm even dreaming about it. i just want a j. however i know if i smoke i can't keep it at the just having fun level. i'd eventually start smoking on a regular basis and turn into the same person i was before april. i can't do that.
i feel like my life is out of control right now. i can't control my weight or the things around me. my mother is being a control freak about everything as well. i keep telling myself once i'm moved out i'll be ok. everything will fall into place but somehow i lack any kind of hope for that. sometimes i just wish i was in a fatal car crash or shot in a mugging. i know most people would say kill yourself but call it being a pussy i feel like i can't do that because of mini me. i want to be there for her but at the same time i don't want to be here. i just want to control my life again. i want to actually enjoy it. i want to be the skinny bitch i should be. i feel like until i'm at my ultimate weight i can't find happiness. and i'm hating myself for not getting there and not having the control to get there.
i found a new fave band (called LuLu) and the lead singer is hotness...underweight hotness at that i calculated his bmi (thank you japanese bands for posting your artists heights and weights) it's 15.7(112.4lbs[51kg] at 5'9[181cm]), it kind of makes me want to strive for that bmi. i know it's unhealthy and so far away but it's so beautiful. here's pics so you can see him:
oh yeah i love me some men in makeup. well who said i'm normal (^_^)
it's funny when i first started loosing weight and before i started loosing i was anti-bones in the sense that i didn't want them poking out but over time i found them pleasing to the eye and beautiful. tastes can change eh?
well i'm ready from my bones to show i hope after tonight i can finally know what it's like to feel hungry again. god i'm craving weed right now.
well i'll try to update as much as i possibly can while i don't have internet at my house
ta ta ladies and gents (if any are reading)
Stay Strong
MUAH
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)