exercise matters

ok i hate exercising...i loathe it or rather i loathe it until i'm doing it and have done it then i realize how great it makes me feel. however i look into the mirror and i realize god it is beyond necessary for me to work out. when i was in the hospital working out and walking was part of the therapy so although i didn't notice it too much then i notice now that all the hard work is gone. my thighs are constantly smooshed against one another. and in and after the hospital only the tops were touching. as soon as my back is better that step-aerobics dvd i bought is going to be used i swear it's got to i look into the mirror and all i see is BLOB...i mean i know i don't see myself how others do but let's be honest who cares how others see me it's more important how i see me and that is as a big fat blob. i'm getting my scale to my house today. which means yay and oh noooo. because now i can't run from my weight anymore, i can't binge and pretend like it didn't happen because my scale isn't around. which btw i binged yesterday...couldn't purge for obvious reasons. i have been dreaming of a mc d's purge all week. and i would be smart getting the food because i'd write it on paper and act like i don't know what's on there so it seems like i'm the one sent to get the food. then i'd go home and munch down on a disgusting amount of non-vegan "goodness" before i purge it all. it's almost like my ultimate binge dream at the moment. some people want to accomplish great things, i want to accomplish going to a mc donalds buy a shit load of food with out it looking like it's for me and then binge and purge. yeah i got that shit planned out. will i do it? i hope not. i mean i want to but as i've said my teeth, my hair, my heart all have the damage i thought i'd never get because I can quit when I want to, it's just a momentary thing until I get control over my eating habits. so sad so sad. however speaking of hair i'm getting it cut short today. it's going off. fuck it i need a new lease on life and all women know hair is the way to accomplish all your goals (^_^)
i haven't eaten today but it's only 10 in the morning i'm going to be kid less this morning all through my appointment and before, i'll have to go downtown and i hope i can resist mc donalds. because i live close now buying a shit load of food and purging wouldn't be that hard. i mean yeah my back will hate me but if the want gets to big i'm sure i'll say fuck my back it wouldn't be the first time i disregarded my health.
ok that's it here's to not binging and good hair
Stay Strong
MUAH