Gomen

I've been super absent lately had people staying over all week my besties here this weekend. Promise to update you guys next week when i get time for myself again.
small update
still a fucking fat ass and haven't been able to b/p just been binging....it's love hate when company comes. damn food it should DIE
will catch up on blogs when i got time to

bad girl

got super drunk last night, it's really just snapshots
took a guy home
bathed with him
dropped my cell in the bathtub
fucked him
smoked weed
did ecstasy
not all in that order

i don't know my weight
hope i burned lots of calories
i've decided to stick to mia but differently
i'm adicted to her it's love hate but you know what she's working for me at the moment

when i recover i'll make a better post as well as catch up

So restarting

once more been binging and popping laxies. not good i know. so today i've made this in an effort to start up my spreadsheet (I get my cals for unlabled foods from CalorieKing


my weight today was 166lbs (75.3kg) so it's up from the last time i checked in my weight. I'm going to start taking L-Carnitine capsules that I bought at a drug store here. It's supposed to turn fat into energy instead of letting it settle.

we'll see how it works. I'll make sure not to take in to much fat so it actually works on the fat in my body. You are supposed to produce it yourself or it can also be found in Lamb and Pork but I don't eat those.
I feel the discipline today let's hope it stays. The test comes when I'm cooking for mini-me.
Stay Strong
MUAH

vid

made the vid it's posted on the side
------>

horrible

did horrible today extremely horrible
b/p major
but at least that's all i had just the binge and liquids
^attempt at positivity
i found my thinspiration however
Tokyo Street Fashion
if you haven't figured it out yet i'm a total j-freak
anime, manga, doramas, music, fashion, language, etucah
but yeah it makes me want to work out, work on my hair bows (love making them) will probably start taking pictures once I get started again
japanese people's thinness kills my appetite and makes me want to reach my goal so i might just make some thinspo videos to post. the guys to they are hot so how could i expect to get someone like that being a whale? i can't so yeah thinspo thinspo thinspo
tomorrow is a new day not just is but it will be i need to start weighing and counting cals again
i'll try to stay in control but last night i was like you know i'm just going to hand myself over to mia...bad fucking idea that bitch is cunning
Phantom thanks once again for your comment it was also thinspirational
and guys you should follow her she's just starting her blog. hope you don't mind the linkage if you do let me know i'll remove it
anybody else need followers? let me know i'll link you, i mean i don't have a lot of followers but hey it's the help i can offer (*^_^*)

sooo....

yesterday my weight did not change at all. today i don't know because since I haven't been to the bathroom yet I can't step on the scale. until i've handled my morning business i just can't do it. it feels wrong then. i'm sure it's a gain yesterday i binged. i did well until i had to go to the grocery store and my kids pointing out the muffins and it was pretty much a downward spiral from there. some of it was purged a lot of it was not.
this is what i had but it may be triggering so i decided to make it unreadable unless you highlight so at your own risk:
lasagna
penne with gorgonzola sauce
1 chocolate & 2 chocolate chip muffins
2.5 pretzels with cream cheese
1 can of lobster soup tasted like lobster bisque with ravioli sauce (it was cheap so yeah)
a box of mozarella sticks
a box of jalapeno cheese nuggets

yeah so basically i did a major fail. i was supposed to go to an appointment for a lawyer to figure out the whole situation with mini-me's sperm donor but she's sick so i had to cancel
i hope i can be good today. i want to be good.

why mia is bad:

1. bad skin
2. bad hair
3. bad organs
4. knuckle abuse
5. loss of control
6. anger (for me i get mad if i get interrupted during a binge. i just want to binge in peace)
7. expensive
8. failing ana
9. greed
10. unallowed foods
11. eating foods designated for mini-me
12. bloody vomit
13. dead looking face (halloween is over don't you know)
14. turning to laxitives (it's a recent developement i wanted to just clear out but i've noticed i'm liking this a bit to much but hell i'm a very substance dependent person and i know they don't help with calorie intake however i have two boxes and i know i'll feel the need to use them both up before i can stop it's the same with food i must eat all food in my house binge designated i can't just let it sit there. i really need to just stop buying it)
15. dishes (more work for me)
16. disgusting toilet
17. chest pain

this is all i can think of for now but hopefully i can return to this list later to keep me from entering a b/p cycle though honestly i prefer b/p of just a binge.
well let me get this day started and once i've handled my b-room business i'll weigh myself which if it is a gain i won't be surprised i deserve that shit after yesterday. i can't seem to live the mid 70's and i really need to this is getting ridiculous time to enter the 60's it really is.
stay strong beauties
MUAH
and just so you know i'm still reading your blogs just i've been super typing lazy lately just know i love each and every one of you!!!!

Confusion

So today my weight is at 164.9lbs (74.8kg). Whaaat? I ate my weight in chocolate yesterday (not really but it was a lot, at least 1000cals just in chocolate). I did take laxies last night. Took about 9 hours to kick in. Recommended dosage is 1 or 2 so I took 2. Not as much as I was expecting came out but hey whatever I'm not mad.
I'm fitting into pants I haven't fit since summer.
So I've got to keep this one short, I have an appointment in an hour.
Stay Strong
MUAH

Can't do it

step on the scale I mean. Although I just might later and cry. I was bad last night. Really bad and I couldn't even purge it all. I'm so disgusted with myself at the moment.
So on a side note my kid vomited in my bed last night. I actually decided to go to bed somewhat early and as I'm falling asleep my kid comes in and I'm like ok come sleep with me tonight. I'm almost asleep when I don't remember the exact details but she's sitting up next to me vomit all over my bed and herself. Is this a sign for me to stop? I mean she didn't self induce but still. So last night we slept in her bed together. Ugh it was so horrible. She doesn't have a fever though so I'm still trying to figure out what happened. Everything she ate I ate.
It's weird how I have no problems with my daughters vomit. I also think it's funny that I slept in her bed, shouldn't it be the other way around?
Yeah so last night interesting. I'm avoiding the scale today. I'm about to throw all the stuff into the washer and then straighten my hair and go buy these laxies. Pharmacy be damned. At least I have plenty around me since I live close to downtown so if I have to do multiple runs I'll be fine. I'm close to an anxiety attack already trying to figure out how I'm going to get these laxies. Pretend they're for someone else or be honest and say for me. I hate this damn system. Just let me buy them at the store. I'd say it's time for me to enter politics. Just kidding.
@Lola yeah on one end a cook would be nice but on the other the food freaks me out. But it's just at the writing back and forth stage right now where it could just end at any moment but I always what-if shit to death.

Ughhhhhhh

My weight went up. I'm at 166.7lbs (75.6kg) I mean we're talking about grams here but still not cool. Mia has failed me again. I'm glad.
Monday if I leave the house I'm buying laxitives. I was thinking of ordering some online from the UK on ebay because I just have the feeling German ones are just not as strong. I don't know but I feel weird going into the Pharmacy and saying something like "yo give me the strongest laxies you guys got!!!" I just feel like I haven't been shitting like I need to I want to empty my bowels out a bit. I know I could do a saltwater flush but the last time I did that I was in the bathroom for like 2 hours. I kid you not. That shit was painful and I was scared to go to sleep. What does it look like for a grown ass woman shitting herself in her sleep. Peeing would be bad enough.
So on a side note. I've been writing with this guy online who seems to be my type. Well anyway so today he tells me he's a cook. This is freaking me out. It's not even at a point where we're talking about meeting but the fact that he's a cook freaks me out. I already want to sabotage it before it even has any potential to get headed in that direction. This is why I'm still single. I'll always do or say something to make me seem undesirable (as if weight and a pregnancy deformed body wasn't enough). I'm going to wait on answering him. Get over this seemingly silly freak out. I couldn't find my Aerobics DVD so today I'm going to look on free videos online or podcasts or something. If I find anything I'll make sure to post it.
Stay Strong
MUAH

gotta love the military

and not just because i was a brat
http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/fit-for-duty/id271268914
there's a bunch of free exercise videos. as soon as mini me takes her nap it's on

comfort

in Mia's arms....I shake my head. I'm disappointed. Me and my besty were talking and she was like you need an electric shocker on your toilet and I was like yeah it'll be like "Oh she's getting on her knees" AAAAAAAHHHH
yeah that would be awesome. Let's bring shock therapy back. I'm not leaving the house tomorrow so I'm hoping for a more restriction. If I could hold out one day I know I can truly leave Mia behind. As much as I like going out and doing stuff with friends, it makes me break my routines and return to Mia in an attempt to make it ok.
Ok I would just like to point out that I don't think Ana and Mia are real it's just personifying them makes it easier to explain my feelings toward my disordered eating. I still don't want to say ED because I'm not certified in that. I'm not diagnosed and so I don't feel the right to label myself bulimic or anorexic or EDNOS for that matter.
yeah so anyway not much to report I'm thinking of breaking out my step-aerobics dvd tonight but my body is kinda weak from the purging still.
a pic of my collar bones my only pride (somewhat) at the moment














gimme lung cancer j/k

Weight

<---Invisible Cake just what I need to eat!!! (^_^)
So this morning my weight is at 165.6lbs (75.1kg) which is great because who doesn't appreciate the loss but after the 3 b/p sessions last night it just encourages that. I had another one after my post last night. Which is not good. It's like I leave Mia because she breaks her loss promises and then when I return for some reason or another she keeps her promise and lures me back in. I just want to say FUCK YOU. It's truly a love hate relationship with her.
I wonder am I the only one but I feel a sense of pride in my disordered eating. I don't want anyone to have these issues please believe. I wish it on no one and hope no one gets started, but somehow in my head I have this little voice telling me look what you can accomplish and na na na na na I've got a secret. When I actually pull through it makes me feel like I'm better than the non disordered. I know it's a totally sick way of looking at it because it bugs me that eating and consumption stays on my mind during all my waking hours. I plan on being strong when I go out of the house today and not buy any unnecessary foods. Only what I truly need. I want to try just living off liquids. Not a liquid fast though because I want to drink my soymilk shakes. So no true solids so to speak. Also I need to start exercising. I really do I have the DVD I don't really have any more excuses I've got room in my apartment. My Step Aerobics DVD and my stepper. I really want to start to. I'm just thinking of the extreme awesomeness of what my body will morph to with some exercise. When I was in the hospital since exercise was part of the therapy I looked a lot better my thighs were close to not touching I could feel my hip bones clearly when laying down. It was so comforting. So exercise makes a difference and I need to remember the great feeling afterwards. Plus it'll speed up weight loss. And the ultimate goal must be reached next year. I can't keep going back and forth. Plus there's a concert I'm going to next march (if everything works out) Girugamesh, and I need to look skinny. Japanese band, so yeah.
STAY STRONG
MUAH

Rammstein is on MTV right now had to think of you Lola hope you have the awesomest time at your concert in December

FAIL Ana, make Mia PROUD

OH man total failure. I wanted to leave Mia behind but somehow today I made a U-Turn and hauled myself right back into her arms. It started off good today. I had a liter of tea. Then somehow I ate bread with margarine and tomato. However I failed because I didn't weigh everything out. So I decided at that point, I just won't eat anything else and somehow everything will work out for today. It won't be over 400cals. However I had to go pick up a package from the post office today and well there was a bakery in the shopping center. I wanted to get mini-me a Pretzel but then I saw all the sweet goods in the display case and somehow Mia was whispering in my ear. "It's ok Dylphe just a bit and it can all come back up." I argued with her and had I not had that slow ass lady in front of me I might have resisted but it was enough time for her to convince me to go ahead and get 3 of this and 5 of that and 1 of those. I don't want to say what it was because I just feel like it might be to triggering.
And Lola yeah I totally understand the Döner obsession. I'm glad I didn't come past a shop on the way home because since I already decided to binge there would have been no holding me back.
This is the sickest thing ever. This is why I don't like leaving the house. Kinda like in Skins when chicky says to Cassie "You want to go outside? There's food out there!!!" My sentiments exactly. I hate this. I wanted to say bye bye to Mia, I never wanted to see her again. I did well for two weeks. A record really. Can I do it again? I don't know. I have to leave the house again tomorrow, I have to buy a house phone since I still haven't found mine. God I hate this shit. I hate it, I hate it. I just want to restrict. I want to say tomorrow's another day but that's not good enough. That's like making what I did today ok. Which it wasn't. I think I vomited some blood to.. There was some red in there and I didn't eat anything red. Except for the tomatoes this morning but I doubt they'd still be in there after 8-9 hours. It's not the first time I've seen red in my vomit, however I always told myself it must have been something I ate. I can't ignore it anymore. I need to scare myself off of this habit. I have a daughter to live for, the reason I went into the psych ward earlier this year. I cannot die because I vomited. Seriously. That is just retarded. (you know what i mean)


Avani I wish I would've read your comment before the binge it probably would have stopped me but I binged then got on the computer

Restart once again

WARNING THERE WILL BE A FOOD PICTURE POSTED SO IF IT TRIGGERS I'M SORRY. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!!!!

Yeah I totally got off track with Halloween. It's rather ridiculous. Before I get into the Halloween part I'm posting the regular.

An incredible weight gain. I am this morning at 168.9lbs (76.6kg). WTF right? No not what the fuck, it's you deserve this shit fatty. Eating over a 1000 cals these past few days, not drinking enough liquids. All because you fucked up on sunday night coming back from the club...more on that later.
My thing is that I have to follow a certain routine every day in order to be completely successful. I know what works for me and I need to do that every day. The problem is when I stray and I can't follow this routine I get off track. It starts with leaving one thing off the list and ends with me eating to much shit. I mean really my routine is not that hard to follow. It's quite simple really.
Morning:
1L of tea










Lunch:
Food or Soy Shake
Dinner:
1L of tea or something liquid
Sleep

I mean is that really that hard? I didn't think so. But I stray, or better yet strayed. I'll just have to plan any discrepancies in way ahead of time so I can make the proper adjustments.

So Halloween it was AWESOME, on the party front. I drank plenty of Vodka Energy and Cosmos. Honestly I don't even want to know the calorie count. I was drunk but at least the night didn't end like the last time I drank with my whole hand down my throat and my besty there to witness.
Well I ended up once again admitting to Ana. But I did try to explain (I was drunk though) how Ana is much better than Mia. I told one of my friends that I wish I was as thin as her (she's underweight stick thin and wants to gain), and she was like No you are great at the size you are blah blah blah. I was just thinking in my head I love you and all but bitch you're not the one looking like a whale in every picture we take together.
So anyway this is where the night went wrong on the way back from the club we stopped and had Döners.








I'm including a picture so it could be triggering.
Me being drunk I'm walking around with all this meat and yogurt sauce talking about "Guys the funny thing is I'm actually vegan". I do lots of stupid shit when I'm drunk. People think I'm retarded sober? catch me drunk.
So I ate all that crap on the drunk munchies. I hate drunk munchies.
Then once we get back we go to this dudes house (my besty's neighbor) and watch youtube videos. Angry black man at walmart. which really wasn't that funny sober the next day. Anyway so dude passes around a j. I'm not sure if it was green or brown. Either way without thinking I smoked. I know I never should have again but on one hand I'm glad I did. It showed me, I don't want it anymore. It wasn't all that great. I just had killer cotton mouth and nothing to drink. Maybe I should have smoked it before I ate because it's still an appetite killer which on that end does make it appealing to me. Yeah but that Döner is what sent me on a downwards path of eating these past few days. It seems so simple you fuck up and then you fix it the next day. But my whole routine got fucked. I hate that I need to do the same shit every day.
In other news...there aren't any really I'm getting back on track.
I have a new follower. yay. thank you. I'm actually reading through your blog now.