Before I start, I read last week that riding a bike is the most effective way to fat burn but only if your heart rate stays below 130 b/m and of course for about 30-45 mins...after the fast (whenever that is considering my lack of discipline) i'll try it out, whenever I go to the gym I try to get my heart rate up there but i guess that was wrong
god ok so i can write i have time to myself...i'm by myself which is bad
i did so well on the fast when i was surrounded by my family no eating at all...god i'm so proud until today i just binged on a plate of potatoes and veggies, potatoe wedges, and an egg sandwich (damn egg sandwiches, oh and not to forget that piece of cucumber
~lot's of self loathing going on after this for a bit~
i hate myself right now and i can feel after a week of no eating my stomach hurts so bad but i'm refusing to purge i want this pain to remind me tomorrow why i shouldn't eat and keep fasting
food is so disgusting i don't even like the taste all i wanted was the texture of it in my mouth, telling myself after the fast i can eat again i guess wasn't enough motivation
when i did it at home i did cheat a bit however when i smoked a little pot i didn't want to eat i was mad at eating...god i hate dry spells why am i such a dependent person?
why can somebody tell me?
i hate it
in order to succeed why do i either need praise from people telling me how awesome they think i am for doing this or drugs...why can't i have this willpower on my own.
i hate myself right now
i refuse to get on the scale....i don't think i'll be weighing myself until i pull through and if i have to do this fast until summer because i keep fucking up...i will eventually pull through fuck this shit
i hate myself
i hate myself
i'm fat
i'm ugly
disgusting
~end of self loathing~
i saw a program about feedies(not the program but equally disgusting). women who either stuff their own self or have partners who do it for them in order to gain the most possible weight...there are websites giving tips on how to get fat
how disgusting is that shit?
how could you want that i don't understand? that is disgusting, even when i was eating for comfort it was never to stuff myself to be huge
how can masses of fat be attractive can't they be a bit less selfish and think of what the rescue team will have to go through if there ever is an emergency...or what the fire department will have to do when they die from suffocating from their fat to get them out of their house?
UGH DISGUSTING but I'll thank them as good reverse thinspiration
Don't get me wrong I'm not supporting a discrimination of fat people which even if we ignore the fact that I'm one of them and that that would be stupid but I guess I just can't get into that mindset since I'm trying so hard to loose weight while their just happily stuffing their face with over 20,000 cals a day. WTF how do you even manage to eat that much...but anyway maybe it's more like self disgust than total disgust as themselves. sometimes i wonder, i mean i know i'm fat but, do i see myself fatter than i am i don't know, it's still disgusting to look in the mirror.
I know of course there is the other end of the spectrum but I guess I just have more understanding for the fight for weight loss, i wonder if i can stop myself from going to far once i get to where i want. can i stop being so hard on myself once i get to healthy weight or will it never be enough...i know i have the personality for it...it's never enough, or so it's been with other things in my life
god this is long
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
TOTAL an FAILURE!!! once again
man i just had a binge/purge attack...and this right after saying how well i'm doing
my mini me didn't want to eat her noodles so to show her i took a bite of one then went into the kitchen and spit it out then as if I left my body
i attacked the pot with the remainder, then attacked her plate of cheesiness (just a bit not all of it plus she was obviously done) then back into the kitchen and finished of the pot while gulping water in between bites. then i realized i was supposed to be fasting and went and stuck my finger down my throat. god i am so disgusted with myself i will continue with this though NO MORE FOOD. the only consolation is this killer headache. i'm so disgusted for myself i shouldn't have tried to show her that it tasted good. god i'm so sick with myself ughhhhh
i hope my friend comes through i know i'll show my self discipline better since i can tell myself how high and mighty i am by not eating while she is stuffing her face
my mini me didn't want to eat her noodles so to show her i took a bite of one then went into the kitchen and spit it out then as if I left my body
i attacked the pot with the remainder, then attacked her plate of cheesiness (just a bit not all of it plus she was obviously done) then back into the kitchen and finished of the pot while gulping water in between bites. then i realized i was supposed to be fasting and went and stuck my finger down my throat. god i am so disgusted with myself i will continue with this though NO MORE FOOD. the only consolation is this killer headache. i'm so disgusted for myself i shouldn't have tried to show her that it tasted good. god i'm so sick with myself ughhhhh
i hope my friend comes through i know i'll show my self discipline better since i can tell myself how high and mighty i am by not eating while she is stuffing her face
so far so good
I'm writing now since I don't know if I can tonight since I have company coming. She's actually one person I can talk about my obsession with weight loss and be honest about my habits without being judged. Well anyway I hope I do well tonight since she's the type that needs to constantly snack or better said not constantly but she's going through that phase hopefully she'll bring stuff that I don't like so I don't have to longingly look at it as I sit and drink my lemonade and water, with no food.
I'm actually hungry but I think that's because of the salt water flush and the fact that I know I'm not supposed to eat (I'm anti-authority even if I'm the one in charge ha ha).
Well I've been freezing all day I'm in the house heaters on and I'm wearing two pairs of socks, pj pants, a shirt and a hoodie and I'm still cold, hopefully that goes away after a few days.
Well I'll write again tomorrow and hopefully I'll have lost more weight since I lost about 3.5lbs (1.6kg) since yesterday...awesome this is what's keeping me going and staying away from food!!!!!!!!!!
I'm actually hungry but I think that's because of the salt water flush and the fact that I know I'm not supposed to eat (I'm anti-authority even if I'm the one in charge ha ha).
Well I've been freezing all day I'm in the house heaters on and I'm wearing two pairs of socks, pj pants, a shirt and a hoodie and I'm still cold, hopefully that goes away after a few days.
Well I'll write again tomorrow and hopefully I'll have lost more weight since I lost about 3.5lbs (1.6kg) since yesterday...awesome this is what's keeping me going and staying away from food!!!!!!!!!!
Weigh In
So this morning I am at 188.3 lbs (85.4kg)
does it count that I did the salt water flush before this? I don't know
today I'm starting my Cleanse/Fast. So at least 10 days without food, I hope I succeed. I wanted to make the "lemonade" but I can't find the lemons. Where the hell did I put them. My apartment is not that big, maybe mini me took them into her room. she's weird, who knows after she's up I'll check if not I'll clean the whole kitchen. dammit if not I'll do a water fast until I can get to the store but I still feel the shits from the flush so I don't know if that will be today. if i really can't find the lemons maybe I'll eat those mangoes I meant to eat yesterday but I didn't because I went to be so early. I've been up since about 3:30am. I realized that I'll do the flush in the evenings because I did the flush around 4 something and it's now 7. man anyway I'm going to try to sleep until mini me wakes up
does it count that I did the salt water flush before this? I don't know
today I'm starting my Cleanse/Fast. So at least 10 days without food, I hope I succeed. I wanted to make the "lemonade" but I can't find the lemons. Where the hell did I put them. My apartment is not that big, maybe mini me took them into her room. she's weird, who knows after she's up I'll check if not I'll clean the whole kitchen. dammit if not I'll do a water fast until I can get to the store but I still feel the shits from the flush so I don't know if that will be today. if i really can't find the lemons maybe I'll eat those mangoes I meant to eat yesterday but I didn't because I went to be so early. I've been up since about 3:30am. I realized that I'll do the flush in the evenings because I did the flush around 4 something and it's now 7. man anyway I'm going to try to sleep until mini me wakes up
Monday, February 15, 2010
Prepping for the Master Cleanse
Well today I pretty much ate about 600 cals, (4 miniature pizzas similar to bagel bites i guess, and a sample bag of chips I got at the store). Oh yeah make that 756 cals because I had a whey drink today.
Anyway so I went and bought the maple syrup which was expensive as hell (12.95EUR for like 800ml, I think I don't feel like looking at the amount of syrup but it was hella expensive, and lemons. Tonight I'm supposed to drink a laxitive tea but I think I'm going to skip that because my Whey drink has its own laxitive effect on me but starting tomorrow I'll drink it in the evenings. I'm kinda nervous about pulling through but I'm kinda excited to do it I hope I can do it I really do.
I think I am about to go to bed now because my lack of sleep as finally caught up with me (I hope) and I also hope that I don't wake up at 3am because of going to bed so early.
Anyway wish me luck and oh yeah 1 Follower yaaay, THANX Lola!!!! your blogs are awesome btw.
So goodnight...
Anyway so I went and bought the maple syrup which was expensive as hell (12.95EUR for like 800ml, I think I don't feel like looking at the amount of syrup but it was hella expensive, and lemons. Tonight I'm supposed to drink a laxitive tea but I think I'm going to skip that because my Whey drink has its own laxitive effect on me but starting tomorrow I'll drink it in the evenings. I'm kinda nervous about pulling through but I'm kinda excited to do it I hope I can do it I really do.
I think I am about to go to bed now because my lack of sleep as finally caught up with me (I hope) and I also hope that I don't wake up at 3am because of going to bed so early.
Anyway wish me luck and oh yeah 1 Follower yaaay, THANX Lola!!!! your blogs are awesome btw.
So goodnight...
Weight Ticker
So I've added a weight ticker to the top which I've seen on different blogs. It's weird because the BMI I get from the website I use and the one they are giving me on the ticker is different. Makes me wonder which BMI calculator is actually trustworthy...
My site for the BMI Calculator is this one
My site for the BMI Calculator is this one
Weigh In
Ok so when I got up this morning I was at
191.8lbs (87kg) yaaay another weight loss success even if it's not where I want it to be. I won't be going out to buy supplies until later since i want to meet a friend since i hate going shopping by myself because i always feel like the people are judging me for buying food and things and i just feel that when they see me buying a bunch of maple syrup they'll look at me like "look fat ass that is why you are fat" just like going to the gym as a fat person you get judged when actually people should be like well at least she's doing something. I don't know it just really bothers me because they don't even know how hard i'm working to loose weight and how ginormous i actually was before....ugh can't wait to be skinny!!!
MUST AVOID STARBUCKS!!!! oh and I haven't drank any coffee though slowly I'm really starting to crash I am so exhausted from lack of sleep
191.8lbs (87kg) yaaay another weight loss success even if it's not where I want it to be. I won't be going out to buy supplies until later since i want to meet a friend since i hate going shopping by myself because i always feel like the people are judging me for buying food and things and i just feel that when they see me buying a bunch of maple syrup they'll look at me like "look fat ass that is why you are fat" just like going to the gym as a fat person you get judged when actually people should be like well at least she's doing something. I don't know it just really bothers me because they don't even know how hard i'm working to loose weight and how ginormous i actually was before....ugh can't wait to be skinny!!!
MUST AVOID STARBUCKS!!!! oh and I haven't drank any coffee though slowly I'm really starting to crash I am so exhausted from lack of sleep
good grief
its 6:11 and I'm still up I can't sleep. insomnia is the worst thing finding things to fill the hours is so hard. i guess once i get up today i will be needing coffee again. i shouldn't have slept all day yesterday but i was so exhausted from the previous night of going to bed at this time. it's such a horrible cycle.
well i'm excited for today since i'll be getting my supplies for my master cleanse diet/fast and i hope i'm successful and i hope i can pull through. only time will tell i guess...
i'm looking at my hands right now (which by the way this is random) and i can see my veins raised up and showing through in a weird way that makes me happy since they don't look manly. if i had a camera i'd take a picture.
god i hope i can go to sleep tonight because sleep is so important for weight loss. and i'm really thinking of smoking pot again it would really help me sleep but i know if i start this week i won't be able to continue it the next few weeks. even though i know at least this week i could sleep at a decent hour. i'm torn but i think i can fight off the munchies, i'm pretty confident....i think. well i just felt like maybe writing a bit would tire me out since sometimes it's thoughts that keep us up. however that doesn't seem to be the case. man i guess i'll just end this here and attempt at laying in the dark and going to sleep. wish me luck
well i'm excited for today since i'll be getting my supplies for my master cleanse diet/fast and i hope i'm successful and i hope i can pull through. only time will tell i guess...
i'm looking at my hands right now (which by the way this is random) and i can see my veins raised up and showing through in a weird way that makes me happy since they don't look manly. if i had a camera i'd take a picture.
god i hope i can go to sleep tonight because sleep is so important for weight loss. and i'm really thinking of smoking pot again it would really help me sleep but i know if i start this week i won't be able to continue it the next few weeks. even though i know at least this week i could sleep at a decent hour. i'm torn but i think i can fight off the munchies, i'm pretty confident....i think. well i just felt like maybe writing a bit would tire me out since sometimes it's thoughts that keep us up. however that doesn't seem to be the case. man i guess i'll just end this here and attempt at laying in the dark and going to sleep. wish me luck
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Winter wonderland
So today I had a lot of green tea and a pizza with corn and bell peppers and some extra cheese i did buy the low fat version of cheese last time i got groceries so yay for a little success but i think that was about 750 cals
so today I ate about 750 cals give or take but i skipped the coffee so i can sleep tonight but then i messed it all up by sleeping all day so who knows. at least it gives me time to read different blogs, and whatnot
i feel well rested enough though
man tomorrow i want to go buy the maple syrup and lemons for my fast but i just realized its carnival and there's a big parade in one of the cities i'm close to. i hope the buses run normal to the other city. it's great living on the border of two different states with two different dominant religions since its a holiday in catholic states tomorrow.
so its the year of the tiger now and i'm a tiger...i hope it brings me luck and that this year won't be as shitty as last year.
if the buses run good tomorrow i'll start my master cleanse diet/fast on tuesday. i heard the first 3 days are the hardest. BE STRONG. it sucks i'll still have to cook for my mini me, even though breakfast and lunch i'm able to skip fine. I hope I don't get tempted anything she leaves over will have to go immediately into the trash so as not to tempt me.
so today I ate about 750 cals give or take but i skipped the coffee so i can sleep tonight but then i messed it all up by sleeping all day so who knows. at least it gives me time to read different blogs, and whatnot
i feel well rested enough though
man tomorrow i want to go buy the maple syrup and lemons for my fast but i just realized its carnival and there's a big parade in one of the cities i'm close to. i hope the buses run normal to the other city. it's great living on the border of two different states with two different dominant religions since its a holiday in catholic states tomorrow.
so its the year of the tiger now and i'm a tiger...i hope it brings me luck and that this year won't be as shitty as last year.
if the buses run good tomorrow i'll start my master cleanse diet/fast on tuesday. i heard the first 3 days are the hardest. BE STRONG. it sucks i'll still have to cook for my mini me, even though breakfast and lunch i'm able to skip fine. I hope I don't get tempted anything she leaves over will have to go immediately into the trash so as not to tempt me.
Okra...it's Love/Hate
Man right now I'm at 193.4lbs (87.7kg), so yaaay I went down a bit. I'll just celebrate it since it is down from yesterday. I just realized when I looked at my page I forgot to change the pounds to the correct amount. Yesterday I was at 195.9. Just FYI my scale is in KG but I figured if people do read this would have a easier time with lbs.
I'm not sure of the calories I took in yesterday. But I had my coffee around 5-5:30am or so before going to sleep for the night...yeah really bad sleeping. Anyway so I had my coffee and for linner I made myself some rice and fried it but with chicken broth instead of oil,added some okra, snowpeas, egg, and cheese. I don't know how many cals it had but it must've not been to bad if I still lost some weight.
Man okra is one of those foods I hate to love eating. I really do like okra (i wouldn't buy it otherwise) but I have to convince myself to put it in my mouth, or not look at the plate so I can't see what I'm putting in my mouth because Okras texture is just so disgusting at first contact. Yet I love it. It's weird.
Today I haven't had any coffee because I'm haven't been sleeping well and I just want to try taking the caffeine out of my life, which sucks because my body is like caffeinated goodness get into my system.
man it is snowing a lot hopefully i can leave the house tomorrow to buy my supplies. I'm really going to do the Master Cleanse Diet, after doing research, if I drink 6 glasses of the "Lemonade" the I'll be taking in approx. 650 cals a day. I want to do it for 30-40 days but I don't know since I've never fasted before. I'll definitely aim to do the 10 days (unless something drastic happens). This will also help with visiting relatives (I think I mentioned that before) because I can avoid having the food forced on me. It's easier for me to turn down food in front of others than it is when I'm by myself. I guess around others it just makes me feel superior since I can say woohoo look how disciplined I am while loosing weight.
man i wish i had a car but not happening in this economy...
I'm not sure of the calories I took in yesterday. But I had my coffee around 5-5:30am or so before going to sleep for the night...yeah really bad sleeping. Anyway so I had my coffee and for linner I made myself some rice and fried it but with chicken broth instead of oil,added some okra, snowpeas, egg, and cheese. I don't know how many cals it had but it must've not been to bad if I still lost some weight.
Man okra is one of those foods I hate to love eating. I really do like okra (i wouldn't buy it otherwise) but I have to convince myself to put it in my mouth, or not look at the plate so I can't see what I'm putting in my mouth because Okras texture is just so disgusting at first contact. Yet I love it. It's weird.
Today I haven't had any coffee because I'm haven't been sleeping well and I just want to try taking the caffeine out of my life, which sucks because my body is like caffeinated goodness get into my system.
man it is snowing a lot hopefully i can leave the house tomorrow to buy my supplies. I'm really going to do the Master Cleanse Diet, after doing research, if I drink 6 glasses of the "Lemonade" the I'll be taking in approx. 650 cals a day. I want to do it for 30-40 days but I don't know since I've never fasted before. I'll definitely aim to do the 10 days (unless something drastic happens). This will also help with visiting relatives (I think I mentioned that before) because I can avoid having the food forced on me. It's easier for me to turn down food in front of others than it is when I'm by myself. I guess around others it just makes me feel superior since I can say woohoo look how disciplined I am while loosing weight.
man i wish i had a car but not happening in this economy...
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Morning Weigh In what the hell
Not a good morning, I didn't go to sleep until 6am or later this morning, so now i'm running on 4 hours or less. Ughhhhhhhhh.
Well before I go on about my morning:
I've gained weight, I'm at 195.9 lbs (88.9kg), yesterday I was at 190.7lbs (86.5 kg. Although this could qualify as a bad morning fact, I don't know I was kind of prepared yesterday for weight gain today. It was the red wine. I don't know why I think it's ok for me to drink alcohol during weight loss. Everytime I drink alcohol I gain weight even if it's in my calorie limit. Plus I'm sleep deprived.
Well this morning I get up look in the fridge and see: NO WHEY DRINK...man this sucks ass, seriously. Then I look outside it's a blizzard, double fuck, no way in hell am I walking to the store in a blizzard, it's not happening, not this weekend, not this year where I don't have shoes to keep out the cold (don't have the money for winter shoes/boots right now). I'm frustrated. And my resolve for the master cleanse fast is still going strong except getting that maple syrup in this weather is not happening, maybe on monday can I venture out to get some since I have lemons and cayenne pepper.
I drank the coffee at like 5:30 am this morning maybe a bit later, funny how I was able to sleep after drinking coffee. So I'm just drinking green tea right now. I don't even know if i'll eat today right now I don't even have the energy to get up and make me anything.
We shall see. we shall see. Sorry for the jumble I'm tired and can't really think straight
I started following some people last night after my little melt down mostly because I admire their strength in pulling through even after falling down and going against their own personal limits they've set for themselves.
Well before I go on about my morning:
I've gained weight, I'm at 195.9 lbs (88.9kg), yesterday I was at 190.7lbs (86.5 kg. Although this could qualify as a bad morning fact, I don't know I was kind of prepared yesterday for weight gain today. It was the red wine. I don't know why I think it's ok for me to drink alcohol during weight loss. Everytime I drink alcohol I gain weight even if it's in my calorie limit. Plus I'm sleep deprived.
Well this morning I get up look in the fridge and see: NO WHEY DRINK...man this sucks ass, seriously. Then I look outside it's a blizzard, double fuck, no way in hell am I walking to the store in a blizzard, it's not happening, not this weekend, not this year where I don't have shoes to keep out the cold (don't have the money for winter shoes/boots right now). I'm frustrated. And my resolve for the master cleanse fast is still going strong except getting that maple syrup in this weather is not happening, maybe on monday can I venture out to get some since I have lemons and cayenne pepper.
I drank the coffee at like 5:30 am this morning maybe a bit later, funny how I was able to sleep after drinking coffee. So I'm just drinking green tea right now. I don't even know if i'll eat today right now I don't even have the energy to get up and make me anything.
We shall see. we shall see. Sorry for the jumble I'm tired and can't really think straight
I started following some people last night after my little melt down mostly because I admire their strength in pulling through even after falling down and going against their own personal limits they've set for themselves.
meltdown
ok i've had it! i'm in denial and i know it. right now it's 3:08am and i'm trying to go to sleep and i can't.
i am disgusted with myself and i am disgusted with my body everytime i look in the mirror, step on the scale, or get dressed. i don't even care that i'm loosing weight since i'm not where i want to be. i think i'm disciplined with eating but really i'm not. where is the discipline if i leave myself a window of 1200 cals? in order for me to be considered disciplined i should be setting a much lower calorie limit since i barely get to my 1200 and when i do it's because i had a i don't give a fuck attitude and that extra just lets me cover my binges without a guilty feeling. i mean yeah granted i'm just now getting back into my weight loss but still, excuses are a waste of time!
i'm so disgusted with myself for lying on a blog that is virtually anonymous and i don't even think anybody reads it. (but if you do thanks) what does that say about me? i'm a liar and i don't even stop at lying to myself. i mean seriously why can't i be honest? that damn egg sandwich yesterday yes it tasted good but the purging felt good too. i actually like to throw up i just try to avoid it. it seems like since last october/november i've been on a constant binge and i'd sit there and say don't do it don't do it...and i didn't even though there was that little voice in my head telling me you know you should throw that shit up you lard ass. yes throwing up gives me a high, a really high high. you know what feels even better than a vomiting high?
smoking weed---> curing the munchies ---> throwing up the consumption ---> smoking more weed
now that cycle up there is an incredible high. i know i'm really a sick person in the head i know that and every day i try to fool myself and others into thinking i'm a great awesome carefree person. i'm not i'm so far away from that it's a struggle. i'm a person that has to depend on something. it's either drugs or food. i've switched from drugs(pot and dxm mostly) to food and then look where it got me...to where i am now. i haven't switched back to drugs (even though i call it drugs it's really just pot i'm talking about at the moment) i don't really want to since it's heavy on the budget, however i'm really about to and i guess i could afford it if i didn't spend that money on food. i'll only have hardcore munchies the first two days at the most. and then even if i cure them i can at least have my little experience explained above. i'm horrible i know it and i'm not proud of it.
first few blogs seemed so chipper and it makes me realize how sad of a person i really am for trying to make a good first impression on a blog i don't even know if anybody reads.
well anyway i'm seriously taking into consideration doing a fast, mainly for weight loss but also for detox. i'm thinking about doing the master cleanse. if i start to do it next week, my body could get used to it and then when i have to go visit my fam i'll be used to it and if they are like WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? i'll just say I really want to detox to be healthy. but seriously if i'm really honest as i should be with myself i could care less about my health because if i did i wouldn't have let myself get so damn fat. it's disgusting it's vile and clothes just don't look good on my body. however maybe the detox will have a positive effect on my mind. i don't know but i need to take drastic measures i'm grossed out by my self.
i honestly do not understand why fat people would feel good in their skin, i'm not saying there aren't those that do but i don't get it i really don't.
I DON'T WANT TO BE REPULSED BY WHAT I SEE IN THE MIRROR ANYMORE.
i am disgusted with myself and i am disgusted with my body everytime i look in the mirror, step on the scale, or get dressed. i don't even care that i'm loosing weight since i'm not where i want to be. i think i'm disciplined with eating but really i'm not. where is the discipline if i leave myself a window of 1200 cals? in order for me to be considered disciplined i should be setting a much lower calorie limit since i barely get to my 1200 and when i do it's because i had a i don't give a fuck attitude and that extra just lets me cover my binges without a guilty feeling. i mean yeah granted i'm just now getting back into my weight loss but still, excuses are a waste of time!
i'm so disgusted with myself for lying on a blog that is virtually anonymous and i don't even think anybody reads it. (but if you do thanks) what does that say about me? i'm a liar and i don't even stop at lying to myself. i mean seriously why can't i be honest? that damn egg sandwich yesterday yes it tasted good but the purging felt good too. i actually like to throw up i just try to avoid it. it seems like since last october/november i've been on a constant binge and i'd sit there and say don't do it don't do it...and i didn't even though there was that little voice in my head telling me you know you should throw that shit up you lard ass. yes throwing up gives me a high, a really high high. you know what feels even better than a vomiting high?
smoking weed---> curing the munchies ---> throwing up the consumption ---> smoking more weed
now that cycle up there is an incredible high. i know i'm really a sick person in the head i know that and every day i try to fool myself and others into thinking i'm a great awesome carefree person. i'm not i'm so far away from that it's a struggle. i'm a person that has to depend on something. it's either drugs or food. i've switched from drugs(pot and dxm mostly) to food and then look where it got me...to where i am now. i haven't switched back to drugs (even though i call it drugs it's really just pot i'm talking about at the moment) i don't really want to since it's heavy on the budget, however i'm really about to and i guess i could afford it if i didn't spend that money on food. i'll only have hardcore munchies the first two days at the most. and then even if i cure them i can at least have my little experience explained above. i'm horrible i know it and i'm not proud of it.
first few blogs seemed so chipper and it makes me realize how sad of a person i really am for trying to make a good first impression on a blog i don't even know if anybody reads.
well anyway i'm seriously taking into consideration doing a fast, mainly for weight loss but also for detox. i'm thinking about doing the master cleanse. if i start to do it next week, my body could get used to it and then when i have to go visit my fam i'll be used to it and if they are like WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? i'll just say I really want to detox to be healthy. but seriously if i'm really honest as i should be with myself i could care less about my health because if i did i wouldn't have let myself get so damn fat. it's disgusting it's vile and clothes just don't look good on my body. however maybe the detox will have a positive effect on my mind. i don't know but i need to take drastic measures i'm grossed out by my self.
i honestly do not understand why fat people would feel good in their skin, i'm not saying there aren't those that do but i don't get it i really don't.
I DON'T WANT TO BE REPULSED BY WHAT I SEE IN THE MIRROR ANYMORE.
DELETED WEEBLY
I spend most of my time on here anyway so I'm deleting my Weebly. I don't even feel sad and now that I've figured this place out no need to keep another one.
Here are the Blog entries I had on there but didn't have on here
Bored 02/11/2010
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wow I just started blogging and I'm already hooked. I finally get the appeal. Plus while blogging I'm not really eating. So right now I'm drinking my whey drink. I know pretty late it's already 3pm.
I live in Europe but I don't want to get to much into detail about who I am kinda trying to stay somewhat anonymous. Mainly because every time I talk to friends and family about my weight loss success I get overly confident and don't eat the way I should in order to loose weight. So this way I'm hoping if it's strangers I'll keep on and since I'm putting it out there for all to read maybe I'll be more motivated.
I'm even thinking of opening a seperate site for the blog so I have two blogs with the same contents going. I might just do that now I'll post the link on the home page and vice versa. It feels so good to blog... hmmm I guess I am pretty strange ha ha.
a new day begins 02/11/2010
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I totally forgot to weigh myself this morning right after peeing. So this weight is post-coffee. I got 195.7 (88.8 kg). I love my digital scale because that way at least I can tell when I lost a teeny amount. Yaaaaay. So I lost some weight since yesterday could also be because the end of my period is coming.
Today I don't know how much I'll actually be eating but I know I need to drink a lot. Since my favorite juice wasn't at the store the other day I have to make do with water with lemon juice. I just added the juice of a lemon to one gallon of water. I mean I know all you get is that light lemony after taste but that's what tastes good to me. I've honestly been trying to go as bland as possible with foods so I can get the more natural not overly seasoned flavor of food but that's just me. Anyway I'll post along the day what I'm eating.
dammit 02/11/2010
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OMG it's barely after midnight and my control has faltered. DAMN IT TO FUCKING HELL
I freaking just had a chocolate cream desert worth 134 cals
I just fucking threw those cals away literally the things I could have eaten today..... damn my stubborness. Maybe I should rethink my strategy. Maybe I should just eat half the linner at the usual time and save the other half for when I get the munchies.
I hate it when I don't eat because I'm hungry but simply because I can and it's there. UGHHHH I really want to kick myself right now but I guess that's the great thing about a blog I can just write it off my chest. And if by chance someone should stumble upon this blog maybe they'll be inspired to be more disciplined than I am. I did so good during the day. I need to take my butt to bed sooner but I've always been a nightowl. UGHHHH KICK KICK KICK KICK KICK in the ass.....
No Title 02/10/2010
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So today what have I had so far
Cup of Coffee with milk 2 cals
Whey Drink 156 cals
3/4 Pizza with extra cheese, bell peppers and corn
I have no clue as to how many calories this pizza had but I'm sure it was at least 700 cals because before I added the extra cheese and veggies the whole pizza was like 650 cals
Ok so I'm not huge into counting cals this will be all I'm eating today. I do try to keep it below 1200 cals because I've noticed the moment I go above I won't loose weight. If I keep my diet between 1200-1500 cals I stay at my current weight with only a few oz. of fluctuation but if I eat more I gain. Ugh I hate it so much I want to loose all this damn weight already.
Here are the Blog entries I had on there but didn't have on here
Bored 02/11/2010
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wow I just started blogging and I'm already hooked. I finally get the appeal. Plus while blogging I'm not really eating. So right now I'm drinking my whey drink. I know pretty late it's already 3pm.
I live in Europe but I don't want to get to much into detail about who I am kinda trying to stay somewhat anonymous. Mainly because every time I talk to friends and family about my weight loss success I get overly confident and don't eat the way I should in order to loose weight. So this way I'm hoping if it's strangers I'll keep on and since I'm putting it out there for all to read maybe I'll be more motivated.
I'm even thinking of opening a seperate site for the blog so I have two blogs with the same contents going. I might just do that now I'll post the link on the home page and vice versa. It feels so good to blog... hmmm I guess I am pretty strange ha ha.
a new day begins 02/11/2010
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I totally forgot to weigh myself this morning right after peeing. So this weight is post-coffee. I got 195.7 (88.8 kg). I love my digital scale because that way at least I can tell when I lost a teeny amount. Yaaaaay. So I lost some weight since yesterday could also be because the end of my period is coming.
Today I don't know how much I'll actually be eating but I know I need to drink a lot. Since my favorite juice wasn't at the store the other day I have to make do with water with lemon juice. I just added the juice of a lemon to one gallon of water. I mean I know all you get is that light lemony after taste but that's what tastes good to me. I've honestly been trying to go as bland as possible with foods so I can get the more natural not overly seasoned flavor of food but that's just me. Anyway I'll post along the day what I'm eating.
dammit 02/11/2010
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OMG it's barely after midnight and my control has faltered. DAMN IT TO FUCKING HELL
I freaking just had a chocolate cream desert worth 134 cals
I just fucking threw those cals away literally the things I could have eaten today..... damn my stubborness. Maybe I should rethink my strategy. Maybe I should just eat half the linner at the usual time and save the other half for when I get the munchies.
I hate it when I don't eat because I'm hungry but simply because I can and it's there. UGHHHH I really want to kick myself right now but I guess that's the great thing about a blog I can just write it off my chest. And if by chance someone should stumble upon this blog maybe they'll be inspired to be more disciplined than I am. I did so good during the day. I need to take my butt to bed sooner but I've always been a nightowl. UGHHHH KICK KICK KICK KICK KICK in the ass.....
No Title 02/10/2010
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So today what have I had so far
Cup of Coffee with milk 2 cals
Whey Drink 156 cals
3/4 Pizza with extra cheese, bell peppers and corn
I have no clue as to how many calories this pizza had but I'm sure it was at least 700 cals because before I added the extra cheese and veggies the whole pizza was like 650 cals
Ok so I'm not huge into counting cals this will be all I'm eating today. I do try to keep it below 1200 cals because I've noticed the moment I go above I won't loose weight. If I keep my diet between 1200-1500 cals I stay at my current weight with only a few oz. of fluctuation but if I eat more I gain. Ugh I hate it so much I want to loose all this damn weight already.
Friday, February 12, 2010
TOTAL FAILURE!!!
at least as a dieter tonight.
I don't feel bad about not watching my calories tonight so I'll list what I've got today
1 cup of coffee with milk 2 cals
Whey Drink 156 cals
Egg Sandwich (Scrumptious) 465 cals
2 glasses of red wine 190 cals (the site said it was 95 cals per 4 oz glass)
1/2 pretzel with cream cheese 90
So that puts me at 903 calories today
hmmm guess I didn't fail, I just looked all my things up because when I was eating the pretzel and the wine and the egg sandwich I was like fuck it who cares but hell I guess even if I eat to the point of stuffedness I can stay within my limit....
I don't feel bad about not watching my calories tonight so I'll list what I've got today
1 cup of coffee with milk 2 cals
Whey Drink 156 cals
Egg Sandwich (Scrumptious) 465 cals
2 glasses of red wine 190 cals (the site said it was 95 cals per 4 oz glass)
1/2 pretzel with cream cheese 90
So that puts me at 903 calories today
hmmm guess I didn't fail, I just looked all my things up because when I was eating the pretzel and the wine and the egg sandwich I was like fuck it who cares but hell I guess even if I eat to the point of stuffedness I can stay within my limit....
do the run around
man i haven't even eaten today yet all i've had was my coffee and half of my whey drink...I don't know whats going on
I bought myself some red wine today since it konks me out so i can sleep
I don't even know how many cals red wine has but i really don't care since it'll only be like half a glass anyway, just enough to put me to sleep.
And today for dinner (which is so late not before six but it'll def be before 8) I'm having my egg sandwich. Dammit I want an egg sandwich!!! ha ha
After I eat it i'll calculate how many calories it actually had since I'll be posting those later on tonight.
So far I've been drinking Green Tea constantly today (probably the reason for not having eaten today)
Well I'll be back for my food count later on tonight before I go to sleep!!
I bought myself some red wine today since it konks me out so i can sleep
I don't even know how many cals red wine has but i really don't care since it'll only be like half a glass anyway, just enough to put me to sleep.
And today for dinner (which is so late not before six but it'll def be before 8) I'm having my egg sandwich. Dammit I want an egg sandwich!!! ha ha
After I eat it i'll calculate how many calories it actually had since I'll be posting those later on tonight.
So far I've been drinking Green Tea constantly today (probably the reason for not having eaten today)
Well I'll be back for my food count later on tonight before I go to sleep!!
Weigh In
totally forgot to post this earlier but today my weight is
190.7 lbs (86.5kg) down from 195.7 lbs (88.8 kg) yaaay. But that could also be because Aunt Flo has left the building. And let's not forget i weighed myself after I had my coffee already yesterday and not right after I woke up.
190.7 lbs (86.5kg) down from 195.7 lbs (88.8 kg) yaaay. But that could also be because Aunt Flo has left the building. And let's not forget i weighed myself after I had my coffee already yesterday and not right after I woke up.
Oh Man (Waiting on the coffee)
So today I'm off to a really slow start, I haven't even had my coffee.
But I didn't go to bed until about 4 am because I couldn't sleep. Man I was upset at myself
around 3am I went into the kitchen and was like I want an egg sandwich, I wasn't hungry I just wanted it. The worst thing is it absolutely goes against my rule to only eat when hungry. And I'll be the first to admit I tend to break that rule quite a bit.
Anyway so I made the sandwich and alone the bread and cheese already had 280 cals, I haven't even looked up the egg or at the mayonnaise. Anyway it was sooooooooooo good and even if it was 400 cals I was fine within my 1200 cal limit.
Well needless to say as tasty as it was, I had to throw it up later after like 20 minutes. I thought it would be fine but I was so nauseous and since I really wanted to sleep I opted for finger down the throat (I hate to do that, I really do). Well I only threw up a little anyway since I just wanted that nauseous feeling to go away. Either way no more egg sandwiches in the middle of the night.
So I'm about to have my coffee followed by my whey drink.
But I didn't go to bed until about 4 am because I couldn't sleep. Man I was upset at myself
around 3am I went into the kitchen and was like I want an egg sandwich, I wasn't hungry I just wanted it. The worst thing is it absolutely goes against my rule to only eat when hungry. And I'll be the first to admit I tend to break that rule quite a bit.
Anyway so I made the sandwich and alone the bread and cheese already had 280 cals, I haven't even looked up the egg or at the mayonnaise. Anyway it was sooooooooooo good and even if it was 400 cals I was fine within my 1200 cal limit.
Well needless to say as tasty as it was, I had to throw it up later after like 20 minutes. I thought it would be fine but I was so nauseous and since I really wanted to sleep I opted for finger down the throat (I hate to do that, I really do). Well I only threw up a little anyway since I just wanted that nauseous feeling to go away. Either way no more egg sandwiches in the middle of the night.
So I'm about to have my coffee followed by my whey drink.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Food Intake for the day
Coffee w/ Milk, 4 Cals
Whey Drink 156 Cals
Noodles w/ Sauce (2 Helpings) about 550 Cals
1/2 Gallon Water w/ Lemon about 8.5 Cals
I went here to get about the amount of calories in a Lemon 58 g (17 cals)
I mixed the whole Gallon with the juice of one lemon
Which the drinking could go up because just because I'm done (hopefully) eating for today doesn't mean I'm done drinking so that could go up
Anyway so far I've had 718.5 Cals
I know that's not very many calories but I only eat when I'm hungry and since the weathers pretty bad I haven't been leaving the house much so I'm pretty sure my body doesn't need any more calories. Well if I get hungry I'll know (^_^)
Whey Drink 156 Cals
Noodles w/ Sauce (2 Helpings) about 550 Cals
1/2 Gallon Water w/ Lemon about 8.5 Cals
I went here to get about the amount of calories in a Lemon 58 g (17 cals)
I mixed the whole Gallon with the juice of one lemon
Which the drinking could go up because just because I'm done (hopefully) eating for today doesn't mean I'm done drinking so that could go up
Anyway so far I've had 718.5 Cals
I know that's not very many calories but I only eat when I'm hungry and since the weathers pretty bad I haven't been leaving the house much so I'm pretty sure my body doesn't need any more calories. Well if I get hungry I'll know (^_^)
Waiting on the food to cool
Ok so when I cook I tend to use whole containers because I tend to not use them up...well anyway so I made a sauce using pure tomato sauce (basically the tomatoes turned to sauce), seasonings, cheese, and half and half (instead of heavy or whipping cream), the total amount is about 587 cals and a serving of noodles is about 118 cals so I'm going to guesstimate that my plate will be about 250 cals....
ok get off my back I know I'm not meticulous about counting calories but hell if I don't eat anything all day I'm entitled to pig out for linner....lol. At least that's what I'm thinking. Although I want to get stricter I know in about 1.5 weeks I'm going to have to go stay with some family and there I'll be forced to eat normal goodness. And yes it's good. I can probably skip out on breakfast and dinner but I will HAVE to eat lunch. Not because they make me but because it is just so damn good! It's really simple usually no meat. If any then usually fish. The problem with the cooking is the potatoes, so many starches, so very heavy and then of course the older generation getting on me that I might as well take seconds so the leftover food (not enough to pack up) so it won't be wasted in the trash.. Aw man I'm sooo not looking forward to that because I hate to say no to them and I always get suckered into additional eating. Man I'm happy but I'm anxious. Plus I'll have to give up all my bad habits for that time which sucks and I know I'll be one angry heiffer. Oh well the things we do. During that time I might not blog at all, but that depends on the situation and how much private i-net time I get over there.
They are such virtuous people (not said sarcastic in anyway) that they have nothing to hide and therefore think the same of others...well I guess you could call me the black sheep.
But aside from the food having pets that require walks and me not saying no and coming along will be awesome because at least I'll get some exercise daily of at least one hour of walks unless the weather is to crazy, and since there is some hillyness (I think I just made that up) I should be good. Yay for exercise which I need so much more of.
Well I might check in again later because as long as I'm hooked to blogging I may do multiple posts throughout the day. I plan on definitely posting my daily weight and food intake on here daily. So I'll definitely check in this evening with the complete food intake.
ok get off my back I know I'm not meticulous about counting calories but hell if I don't eat anything all day I'm entitled to pig out for linner....lol. At least that's what I'm thinking. Although I want to get stricter I know in about 1.5 weeks I'm going to have to go stay with some family and there I'll be forced to eat normal goodness. And yes it's good. I can probably skip out on breakfast and dinner but I will HAVE to eat lunch. Not because they make me but because it is just so damn good! It's really simple usually no meat. If any then usually fish. The problem with the cooking is the potatoes, so many starches, so very heavy and then of course the older generation getting on me that I might as well take seconds so the leftover food (not enough to pack up) so it won't be wasted in the trash.. Aw man I'm sooo not looking forward to that because I hate to say no to them and I always get suckered into additional eating. Man I'm happy but I'm anxious. Plus I'll have to give up all my bad habits for that time which sucks and I know I'll be one angry heiffer. Oh well the things we do. During that time I might not blog at all, but that depends on the situation and how much private i-net time I get over there.
They are such virtuous people (not said sarcastic in anyway) that they have nothing to hide and therefore think the same of others...well I guess you could call me the black sheep.
But aside from the food having pets that require walks and me not saying no and coming along will be awesome because at least I'll get some exercise daily of at least one hour of walks unless the weather is to crazy, and since there is some hillyness (I think I just made that up) I should be good. Yay for exercise which I need so much more of.
Well I might check in again later because as long as I'm hooked to blogging I may do multiple posts throughout the day. I plan on definitely posting my daily weight and food intake on here daily. So I'll definitely check in this evening with the complete food intake.
Helloo Everyone
So I already have another blog I just started yesterday on Weebly. I'm still going to use it and after this post all the post on here and on Weebly will be the same. I'm keeping my Weebly because it's also my personal website where I have my goals and things.
The reason I decided to get a blog here as well is because Weebly didn't let me log in for a few hours and when I finally could I decided I needed another blog because I noticed the blogging really helps me not to eat when I'm not hungry because I'm busy typing.
For the other posts I've already posted (though they aren't exciting) just go to the link.
I also set this with a mature content warning not because it's porn or cursing (which is actually a possibility) but because weight loss is one of those things where I feel if you want to loose weight you need a mature mind and you need to know that what I may be doing won't necessarily work for you. So yeah I'll be keeping you guys posted but for my goals and what not please go to my site because yes I am that damn lazy that I'll write a novel but won't copy and paste what I already have. Ha Ha.
The reason I decided to get a blog here as well is because Weebly didn't let me log in for a few hours and when I finally could I decided I needed another blog because I noticed the blogging really helps me not to eat when I'm not hungry because I'm busy typing.
For the other posts I've already posted (though they aren't exciting) just go to the link.
I also set this with a mature content warning not because it's porn or cursing (which is actually a possibility) but because weight loss is one of those things where I feel if you want to loose weight you need a mature mind and you need to know that what I may be doing won't necessarily work for you. So yeah I'll be keeping you guys posted but for my goals and what not please go to my site because yes I am that damn lazy that I'll write a novel but won't copy and paste what I already have. Ha Ha.
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