update

Before I start, I read last week that riding a bike is the most effective way to fat burn but only if your heart rate stays below 130 b/m and of course for about 30-45 mins...after the fast (whenever that is considering my lack of discipline) i'll try it out, whenever I go to the gym I try to get my heart rate up there but i guess that was wrong



god ok so i can write i have time to myself...i'm by myself which is bad
i did so well on the fast when i was surrounded by my family no eating at all...god i'm so proud until today i just binged on a plate of potatoes and veggies, potatoe wedges, and an egg sandwich (damn egg sandwiches, oh and not to forget that piece of cucumber
~lot's of self loathing going on after this for a bit~

i hate myself right now and i can feel after a week of no eating my stomach hurts so bad but i'm refusing to purge i want this pain to remind me tomorrow why i shouldn't eat and keep fasting
food is so disgusting i don't even like the taste all i wanted was the texture of it in my mouth, telling myself after the fast i can eat again i guess wasn't enough motivation
when i did it at home i did cheat a bit however when i smoked a little pot i didn't want to eat i was mad at eating...god i hate dry spells why am i such a dependent person?
why can somebody tell me?
i hate it
in order to succeed why do i either need praise from people telling me how awesome they think i am for doing this or drugs...why can't i have this willpower on my own.
i hate myself right now
i refuse to get on the scale....i don't think i'll be weighing myself until i pull through and if i have to do this fast until summer because i keep fucking up...i will eventually pull through fuck this shit
i hate myself
i hate myself
i'm fat
i'm ugly
disgusting
~end of self loathing~

i saw a program about feedies(not the program but equally disgusting). women who either stuff their own self or have partners who do it for them in order to gain the most possible weight...there are websites giving tips on how to get fat
how disgusting is that shit?
how could you want that i don't understand? that is disgusting, even when i was eating for comfort it was never to stuff myself to be huge
how can masses of fat be attractive can't they be a bit less selfish and think of what the rescue team will have to go through if there ever is an emergency...or what the fire department will have to do when they die from suffocating from their fat to get them out of their house?
UGH DISGUSTING but I'll thank them as good reverse thinspiration
Don't get me wrong I'm not supporting a discrimination of fat people which even if we ignore the fact that I'm one of them and that that would be stupid but I guess I just can't get into that mindset since I'm trying so hard to loose weight while their just happily stuffing their face with over 20,000 cals a day. WTF how do you even manage to eat that much...but anyway maybe it's more like self disgust than total disgust as themselves. sometimes i wonder, i mean i know i'm fat but, do i see myself fatter than i am i don't know, it's still disgusting to look in the mirror.
I know of course there is the other end of the spectrum but I guess I just have more understanding for the fight for weight loss, i wonder if i can stop myself from going to far once i get to where i want. can i stop being so hard on myself once i get to healthy weight or will it never be enough...i know i have the personality for it...it's never enough, or so it's been with other things in my life
god this is long