meltdown

ok i've had it! i'm in denial and i know it. right now it's 3:08am and i'm trying to go to sleep and i can't.
i am disgusted with myself and i am disgusted with my body everytime i look in the mirror, step on the scale, or get dressed. i don't even care that i'm loosing weight since i'm not where i want to be. i think i'm disciplined with eating but really i'm not. where is the discipline if i leave myself a window of 1200 cals? in order for me to be considered disciplined i should be setting a much lower calorie limit since i barely get to my 1200 and when i do it's because i had a i don't give a fuck attitude and that extra just lets me cover my binges without a guilty feeling. i mean yeah granted i'm just now getting back into my weight loss but still, excuses are a waste of time!
i'm so disgusted with myself for lying on a blog that is virtually anonymous and i don't even think anybody reads it. (but if you do thanks) what does that say about me? i'm a liar and i don't even stop at lying to myself. i mean seriously why can't i be honest? that damn egg sandwich yesterday yes it tasted good but the purging felt good too. i actually like to throw up i just try to avoid it. it seems like since last october/november i've been on a constant binge and i'd sit there and say don't do it don't do it...and i didn't even though there was that little voice in my head telling me you know you should throw that shit up you lard ass. yes throwing up gives me a high, a really high high. you know what feels even better than a vomiting high?
smoking weed---> curing the munchies ---> throwing up the consumption ---> smoking more weed
now that cycle up there is an incredible high. i know i'm really a sick person in the head i know that and every day i try to fool myself and others into thinking i'm a great awesome carefree person. i'm not i'm so far away from that it's a struggle. i'm a person that has to depend on something. it's either drugs or food. i've switched from drugs(pot and dxm mostly) to food and then look where it got me...to where i am now. i haven't switched back to drugs (even though i call it drugs it's really just pot i'm talking about at the moment) i don't really want to since it's heavy on the budget, however i'm really about to and i guess i could afford it if i didn't spend that money on food. i'll only have hardcore munchies the first two days at the most. and then even if i cure them i can at least have my little experience explained above. i'm horrible i know it and i'm not proud of it.
first few blogs seemed so chipper and it makes me realize how sad of a person i really am for trying to make a good first impression on a blog i don't even know if anybody reads.
well anyway i'm seriously taking into consideration doing a fast, mainly for weight loss but also for detox. i'm thinking about doing the master cleanse. if i start to do it next week, my body could get used to it and then when i have to go visit my fam i'll be used to it and if they are like WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? i'll just say I really want to detox to be healthy. but seriously if i'm really honest as i should be with myself i could care less about my health because if i did i wouldn't have let myself get so damn fat. it's disgusting it's vile and clothes just don't look good on my body. however maybe the detox will have a positive effect on my mind. i don't know but i need to take drastic measures i'm grossed out by my self.
i honestly do not understand why fat people would feel good in their skin, i'm not saying there aren't those that do but i don't get it i really don't.
I DON'T WANT TO BE REPULSED BY WHAT I SEE IN THE MIRROR ANYMORE.