i promise to do the sunshine awards!!!!!! just i've been pretty tired, tomorrow i can't even promise because it'll be a pretty busy day, but hopefully on friday i'll get the chance if not maybe this weekend, that's when times are slower over here.
thank you for your comments
stay strong
muah
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
ups and downs and blaaaahhh...thank you seroquel
yeah so basically here goes the reason for not having posted a blog or comments recently... wednesday my oh so smart and intelligent self broke the display to my laptop...damn headphones in between. (my mom loaned me her netbook for the time being) doing so made me so mad at myself that i fell into a pit of self-loathing. a pretty deep pit (you'll see i'm going to add the 2 journal entries i made with you in mind at the time) didn't help that Aunt Flow came to visit. i talked to my therapist and she put me on seroquel which i am to take when i'm in a deep pit again. what sucks is that when i take it although i can't go down in mood i can't go up either it's just a constant blaaaaahhhhh... even smiling at things i know are funny is hard. i'm so glad that i met great people here who help me along the way. it's funny how the fellow patients are better than the therapists. except they can't provide me with drugs....lol.
oh before i type up the journal entries i will definitely respond to all the comments i got just not today!!! thank you oh and the sunshine award i'll also do a separate post for thanks lola (i'll link her in the award post)...it sucks that it's limited to a certain number of people since so many of you give me strength and of course that most of you have already got an award but hey i'll figure something out. i might do it tomorrow though since today i'm pretty tired already. although i've had a good evening.
at the end I added a funny little tid bit of my life here...
20 April 2010
i am filled with self loathing. i broke my laptop. i am angry and pissed. what did i do to punish myself? binge & purge... if i was a cutter i'd be cutting. i just want to purge the emptiness in my stomach. ugh. i'm so fucking pissd. i hate my body, i feel like i weigh and look 1000 lbs. loathing loathing. i thought i was doing so good but such a small thing has thrown me completely off balance. all the progress i made seems to have disappeared. i hate myself. i couldn't even stay on the phone with my besty. i just want to scratch myself until my skin is torn open and it'll hurt for the next few days to remind myself of what a fucking dumb ass i am. i don't deserve happiness, i don't deserve my awesome daughter. i deserve nothing. i shouldn't have even taken the pain killer for my headache. all i deserve is fucking pain. i hate myself sooo fucking much. don't fear death is something i don't deserve because escape would mean release, and someone like me doesn't even deserve that.
I HATE MYSELF
21 April 2010
it's like the past two weeks i was so occupied with the people around me that i pushed all my self hatred to the back of my mind.
the only solace i can seem to find are in ana & mia. they help me conquer one part of my self hatred...
i'm sitting here trying not to hurt myself in any way but it's hard. i'm not a cutter so that isn't an issue, no i'm a scratcher. i'll pick a random spot on my body and scratch until i bleed and i'm certain that in the morning when i shower it'll burn on contact with the water. yes i do it to remind myself of punishment. i just want to go and crawl into a...something dark where i can hid my ugly fat self. god i hate my weakness. i want drugs but they'll only give me a few hours of escape., that's just not enough. i'm filled with so much self-loathing right now i feel like every bit of progress i made was just an illusion. i hunger for pain. any kind of pain. somthing... i think i can still win against the urge...
I WANT PAIN
and a future
oh and the funny side note thursday one of the staff caught me purging:
S: Are you okay?
I: yes
S: you don't sound like you're ok
I: I'm fine thanks
now I thought she was gone so i finish up and come out but no she was standing there
S: Why were you throwing up
I: Oh I ate to much to fast, and it wasn't very good
S: Have you ever thrown up while here
I: No (shit a big lie but hell why would I tell the truth)
S: Have you ever thrown up at home
I: Yeah (smile)
S: When
I: When I had the stomach flu
S: Oh ok well you need to tell the staff when you aren't feeling well
I: Ok will do my mom brought me some snacks I'm gonna eat those
so then I took a nutri-grain bar, ate one in front of the eyes of the staff and threw the other one away...bastards!!!
i will catch up probably tomorrow in between my therapies lots of hugs and kisses
stay strong
MUAH
oh before i type up the journal entries i will definitely respond to all the comments i got just not today!!! thank you oh and the sunshine award i'll also do a separate post for thanks lola (i'll link her in the award post)...it sucks that it's limited to a certain number of people since so many of you give me strength and of course that most of you have already got an award but hey i'll figure something out. i might do it tomorrow though since today i'm pretty tired already. although i've had a good evening.
at the end I added a funny little tid bit of my life here...
20 April 2010
i am filled with self loathing. i broke my laptop. i am angry and pissed. what did i do to punish myself? binge & purge... if i was a cutter i'd be cutting. i just want to purge the emptiness in my stomach. ugh. i'm so fucking pissd. i hate my body, i feel like i weigh and look 1000 lbs. loathing loathing. i thought i was doing so good but such a small thing has thrown me completely off balance. all the progress i made seems to have disappeared. i hate myself. i couldn't even stay on the phone with my besty. i just want to scratch myself until my skin is torn open and it'll hurt for the next few days to remind myself of what a fucking dumb ass i am. i don't deserve happiness, i don't deserve my awesome daughter. i deserve nothing. i shouldn't have even taken the pain killer for my headache. all i deserve is fucking pain. i hate myself sooo fucking much. don't fear death is something i don't deserve because escape would mean release, and someone like me doesn't even deserve that.
I HATE MYSELF
21 April 2010
it's like the past two weeks i was so occupied with the people around me that i pushed all my self hatred to the back of my mind.
the only solace i can seem to find are in ana & mia. they help me conquer one part of my self hatred...
i'm sitting here trying not to hurt myself in any way but it's hard. i'm not a cutter so that isn't an issue, no i'm a scratcher. i'll pick a random spot on my body and scratch until i bleed and i'm certain that in the morning when i shower it'll burn on contact with the water. yes i do it to remind myself of punishment. i just want to go and crawl into a...something dark where i can hid my ugly fat self. god i hate my weakness. i want drugs but they'll only give me a few hours of escape., that's just not enough. i'm filled with so much self-loathing right now i feel like every bit of progress i made was just an illusion. i hunger for pain. any kind of pain. somthing... i think i can still win against the urge...
I WANT PAIN
and a future
oh and the funny side note thursday one of the staff caught me purging:
S: Are you okay?
I: yes
S: you don't sound like you're ok
I: I'm fine thanks
now I thought she was gone so i finish up and come out but no she was standing there
S: Why were you throwing up
I: Oh I ate to much to fast, and it wasn't very good
S: Have you ever thrown up while here
I: No (shit a big lie but hell why would I tell the truth)
S: Have you ever thrown up at home
I: Yeah (smile)
S: When
I: When I had the stomach flu
S: Oh ok well you need to tell the staff when you aren't feeling well
I: Ok will do my mom brought me some snacks I'm gonna eat those
so then I took a nutri-grain bar, ate one in front of the eyes of the staff and threw the other one away...bastards!!!
i will catch up probably tomorrow in between my therapies lots of hugs and kisses
stay strong
MUAH
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
quick post
well in the common room not much privacy my roommate is having her meeting with her therapist in our room. I got kicked out...lol
well i don't know if it's the meds or the additional (th)inspiration I get from you guys again but i have no appetite and my food doesn't even want to stay down. It's like ana is sitting on one shoulder keeping me from eating, and mia on my other urging me to offer the little i do take in to the Porcelain God.
I need to remember to use my banana hair clip to induce purging because my knuckle is starting to stay red. I'm still good it's normal now.
It's kind of funny I had activity therapy today and at the end we were supposed to relax my first thought was hmmm how can i get around eating lunch. which right now everyone is still joking about how i take like 2 bites and throw the rest away but if it keeps going like this...I'm really going to have to figure something out. They watch me. Not the caretakers or doctors but my fellow patients. And unlike Mia-Girly, I can't come out about my eating because I honestly don't want help for it. Not yet, maybe not ever. I've also come to the realization 117lbs is probably not going to be enough. I want my ribs out, I want my hip bones jutting out ready to slice, I want my sternum visible, I want dainty wrists, I want my spine visible and I want my shoulder blades out. At first it wasn't like that but now when I stretch up I can see like 4 ribs on each side and I'm LOVING the sight of them. It's proof of results. I've also lost some weight once again, awesome. I want to feel extreme hunger again. I want to know what that empty starving feeling in my stomach feels like again. They feed us so often here that there's no time to get hungry between meals. Right now I'm sticking with the excuse I only eat when I'm hungry and I'm just not hungry. Sorry!!! but not really.
It's like the better I get with my social anxiety and depression the more I turn to my one point of control. Over here it's really overwhelming because you put so much trust into the doctors, staff, and patients that I feel like I don't have control over anything except that. Here is where I've come to realize the depth of my disordered eating. I know it might sound depressing but actually I'm celebrating it (as sick as it is, and I don't suggest anyone go down my path), it makes me happy to have my own little secret, my own fountain of control I can draw strength from.
And to all you beautiful ladies, I am still catching up on all your blogs posting where I can.
Well I have to go to my next therapy, it's drawing. They read us a story then give us a theme and we have to draw to it and then discuss what we drew. It's pretty awesome aside from my sucky drawing skills!!!
Stay Strong!!!
MUAH (x2938539856)
i guess this post is longer than I thought no proof reading please excuse, but I know you guys love me.
well i don't know if it's the meds or the additional (th)inspiration I get from you guys again but i have no appetite and my food doesn't even want to stay down. It's like ana is sitting on one shoulder keeping me from eating, and mia on my other urging me to offer the little i do take in to the Porcelain God.
I need to remember to use my banana hair clip to induce purging because my knuckle is starting to stay red. I'm still good it's normal now.
It's kind of funny I had activity therapy today and at the end we were supposed to relax my first thought was hmmm how can i get around eating lunch. which right now everyone is still joking about how i take like 2 bites and throw the rest away but if it keeps going like this...I'm really going to have to figure something out. They watch me. Not the caretakers or doctors but my fellow patients. And unlike Mia-Girly, I can't come out about my eating because I honestly don't want help for it. Not yet, maybe not ever. I've also come to the realization 117lbs is probably not going to be enough. I want my ribs out, I want my hip bones jutting out ready to slice, I want my sternum visible, I want dainty wrists, I want my spine visible and I want my shoulder blades out. At first it wasn't like that but now when I stretch up I can see like 4 ribs on each side and I'm LOVING the sight of them. It's proof of results. I've also lost some weight once again, awesome. I want to feel extreme hunger again. I want to know what that empty starving feeling in my stomach feels like again. They feed us so often here that there's no time to get hungry between meals. Right now I'm sticking with the excuse I only eat when I'm hungry and I'm just not hungry. Sorry!!! but not really.
It's like the better I get with my social anxiety and depression the more I turn to my one point of control. Over here it's really overwhelming because you put so much trust into the doctors, staff, and patients that I feel like I don't have control over anything except that. Here is where I've come to realize the depth of my disordered eating. I know it might sound depressing but actually I'm celebrating it (as sick as it is, and I don't suggest anyone go down my path), it makes me happy to have my own little secret, my own fountain of control I can draw strength from.
And to all you beautiful ladies, I am still catching up on all your blogs posting where I can.
Well I have to go to my next therapy, it's drawing. They read us a story then give us a theme and we have to draw to it and then discuss what we drew. It's pretty awesome aside from my sucky drawing skills!!!
Stay Strong!!!
MUAH (x2938539856)
i guess this post is longer than I thought no proof reading please excuse, but I know you guys love me.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Greetings from the Loony Bin
Well emotionally I'm doing good, however me and my weight....another issue. I've gained weight since I've came here (6.6lbs, 3kg). I am not happy about that but most of that was from night time munchies thanks to the antidepressant they give me at night for sleeping. However I'm now on something else and Ana, Mia and I are getting along again.
It's pretty easy to skip meals, especially me being a vegan and hospital food sucking ass. Overcooked veggies every day. My mom brought me tofu and other snacks so I do have some nourishment. I wouldn't mind going without it though. It's hard to let Mia take reign over here (which I guess is a good thing considering the health effects), since I have a roommate and the bathroom walls are thin. However when I do have the opportunity, it's on.
There is actually a girly here trying to recover from Mia and she knows about my disordered eating habits but she's cool with it (well cool maybe not but she isn't going to tell). For me it's a control issue, for her it's self harm instead of cutting.
I made friends here, which is freaking awesome Mia-girly being one of them. I know it's crazy go to the loony bin and make friends. I actually like it here and I reached a point where I now miss my mini-me and I want her back, which to me is the best sign ever. Plus she's missing me too.
I don't know when I'll play catch-up with your blogs because I don't get much private time on here and I'm trying to update so I promise I'll catch-up on all your blogs and comment.
I love you guys and you won't believe how much I've missed you and your support and strength!!!
MUAH MUAH MUAH MUAH MUAH (x294875968723598463983764)
EDIT: Still vegan, and how crazy is it that right now I'm sitting in a common room on my laptop indulging in my disordered eating and how much I'm loving it?
Yeah I'm in the right place LMAO
It's pretty easy to skip meals, especially me being a vegan and hospital food sucking ass. Overcooked veggies every day. My mom brought me tofu and other snacks so I do have some nourishment. I wouldn't mind going without it though. It's hard to let Mia take reign over here (which I guess is a good thing considering the health effects), since I have a roommate and the bathroom walls are thin. However when I do have the opportunity, it's on.
There is actually a girly here trying to recover from Mia and she knows about my disordered eating habits but she's cool with it (well cool maybe not but she isn't going to tell). For me it's a control issue, for her it's self harm instead of cutting.
I made friends here, which is freaking awesome Mia-girly being one of them. I know it's crazy go to the loony bin and make friends. I actually like it here and I reached a point where I now miss my mini-me and I want her back, which to me is the best sign ever. Plus she's missing me too.
I don't know when I'll play catch-up with your blogs because I don't get much private time on here and I'm trying to update so I promise I'll catch-up on all your blogs and comment.
I love you guys and you won't believe how much I've missed you and your support and strength!!!
MUAH MUAH MUAH MUAH MUAH (x294875968723598463983764)
EDIT: Still vegan, and how crazy is it that right now I'm sitting in a common room on my laptop indulging in my disordered eating and how much I'm loving it?
Yeah I'm in the right place LMAO
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Oh dear...
this is quick because i'm packing.
i just got back from the hospital, they are keeping me for about 3 weeks. on weekends i can go out for a few hours and at least they aren't putting me in the closed half. so visiting and stuff should be good.
those fuckers don't cater to vegans...damn but less food intake so good. she said they'll do sports therapy with me... can we say yay
i'm so scared guys, on the inside i'm screaming
so yeah i'll be absent for a while BUT when i get to go home for a few hours i'll be back.
yay for piss tests, that i'll be doing
stay strong!!!
i'll try
muah muah muah
i just got back from the hospital, they are keeping me for about 3 weeks. on weekends i can go out for a few hours and at least they aren't putting me in the closed half. so visiting and stuff should be good.
those fuckers don't cater to vegans...damn but less food intake so good. she said they'll do sports therapy with me... can we say yay
i'm so scared guys, on the inside i'm screaming
so yeah i'll be absent for a while BUT when i get to go home for a few hours i'll be back.
yay for piss tests, that i'll be doing
stay strong!!!
i'll try
muah muah muah
Pack your shit, we're going on a trip....toooooooooooooo the nuthouse
great...as I'm feeling my addiction (hey I need a vice and this one is cal free) grow towards blogger (after my goodnight post I was on here several more hours) and it's calming and awesome and I'm feeling comfortable I might have to go without you guys for a few days.
i just got a call from my mom telling me to pack some things for staying overnight for a few days because she talked with the psychiatric unit at the hospital and she's getting me in 2 hours to get an evaluation. "It doesn't mean you're staying your things are staying in the car, but just in case"
wtf? plan vegan comes into affect (effect? idk right now) today!!!
Man this is fucking pissing me the fuck off!!! even though it shouldn't i need this i know but right now i'm going so far out of my comfort zone it's scary.
Last night I had a nightmare. I dreamed a group of people was coming toward me and it was one of those where I couldn't get out of the way so I was forced to go through the midst of the group and I woke up panicked. oh man, that should've been my sign for today.
well guys i'm hoping i'll be back tonight...
i will miss you (yes even for a few hours)
stay strong
muah
i just got a call from my mom telling me to pack some things for staying overnight for a few days because she talked with the psychiatric unit at the hospital and she's getting me in 2 hours to get an evaluation. "It doesn't mean you're staying your things are staying in the car, but just in case"
wtf? plan vegan comes into affect (effect? idk right now) today!!!
Man this is fucking pissing me the fuck off!!! even though it shouldn't i need this i know but right now i'm going so far out of my comfort zone it's scary.
Last night I had a nightmare. I dreamed a group of people was coming toward me and it was one of those where I couldn't get out of the way so I was forced to go through the midst of the group and I woke up panicked. oh man, that should've been my sign for today.
well guys i'm hoping i'll be back tonight...
i will miss you (yes even for a few hours)
stay strong
muah
As I lay me down to sleep...actually think I can go to sleep without any herbal aids
wow I've been pretty much cleaning all day. Not vacuum and done but going through all the shit that's piled up over the years. All the paperwork, and crap. I mean I have 6 black eyeliners...WTF? I mean yeah a pretty essential item in almost every girls make up collection but 6? And I wonder why I'm always broke...
I've done well today besides the stuff I already listed, I haven't consumed anything else. The spinach cooked in soy milk was surprisingly good. I did season it a little but I like bland foods, or rather I like to taste the main food of my meal. I'm weird. i know.
I've had a good day. I ran out of green on saturday and luckily I went out yesterday but today, not one craving or want for my herbal chill out. Being able to focus on me and not my kid, who I saw today real quick, she didn't seem to really miss me. She was fine. I'm glad because as bad as it sounds and selfish, I don't really miss her either. But then again I know she has it so much better with my parents, plus they have a dog. What kid doesn't love a dog? (don't answer that I'm ignoring the dogphobics<--yeah I made that up)
Deep cleaning does clear the mind quite a bit.
Listening to skinny bitch has really made me want to seriously go vegan. I know it's one of my goals in self betterment but this is the kick in the ass. Maybe I can get myself to stop feeling so guilty for eating food, since I know it's healthy. However restriction is not going to end. Then I really would feel guilty. I'm just sick and tired of telling myself not to eat and then come evening and I can't seem to hold back. Maybe this can help me...I don't know....
stay strong
muah
I've done well today besides the stuff I already listed, I haven't consumed anything else. The spinach cooked in soy milk was surprisingly good. I did season it a little but I like bland foods, or rather I like to taste the main food of my meal. I'm weird. i know.
I've had a good day. I ran out of green on saturday and luckily I went out yesterday but today, not one craving or want for my herbal chill out. Being able to focus on me and not my kid, who I saw today real quick, she didn't seem to really miss me. She was fine. I'm glad because as bad as it sounds and selfish, I don't really miss her either. But then again I know she has it so much better with my parents, plus they have a dog. What kid doesn't love a dog? (don't answer that I'm ignoring the dogphobics<--yeah I made that up)
Deep cleaning does clear the mind quite a bit.
Listening to skinny bitch has really made me want to seriously go vegan. I know it's one of my goals in self betterment but this is the kick in the ass. Maybe I can get myself to stop feeling so guilty for eating food, since I know it's healthy. However restriction is not going to end. Then I really would feel guilty. I'm just sick and tired of telling myself not to eat and then come evening and I can't seem to hold back. Maybe this can help me...I don't know....
stay strong
muah
Monday, April 5, 2010
Food
2 cups green leaf spinach cooked with 100ml soy milk - 97 cals
egg white omlette w/ onion & pureed tomato - 77.3 cals
total 174.3 cals
I've only been drinking water.
Zen, you're probably right but it felt like a good idea at the time. I still have some food in my freezer, and of course the egg whites. Which I will soon be cutting out of my diet but besides frozen food and egg whites and stuff there isn't much else. Maybe I'll buy me some veggies and fruits as suggested.
I'm currently cleaning my house and I'm listening to the Audio Book of Skinny Bitch (the link is also where I got it) its basically supposed to get you vegan because it tells you exactly what is unhealthy and how it can make you fat and sick. I read about it in Shrinking Violet's blog (I haven't started following yet because I'm still reading). It's actually pretty good.
I don't know if I can e-mail the files but if anybody is interested and wants to get like 10 million e-mails with the audio version, I'm more than willing to attempt that. Just write me your e-mail or something.
egg white omlette w/ onion & pureed tomato - 77.3 cals
total 174.3 cals
I've only been drinking water.
Zen, you're probably right but it felt like a good idea at the time. I still have some food in my freezer, and of course the egg whites. Which I will soon be cutting out of my diet but besides frozen food and egg whites and stuff there isn't much else. Maybe I'll buy me some veggies and fruits as suggested.
I'm currently cleaning my house and I'm listening to the Audio Book of Skinny Bitch (the link is also where I got it) its basically supposed to get you vegan because it tells you exactly what is unhealthy and how it can make you fat and sick. I read about it in Shrinking Violet's blog (I haven't started following yet because I'm still reading). It's actually pretty good.
I don't know if I can e-mail the files but if anybody is interested and wants to get like 10 million e-mails with the audio version, I'm more than willing to attempt that. Just write me your e-mail or something.
I got me one for here...why? I dunno, just wanted it I guess...
I'll start follow you guys that have one later but my mom just called and I have to get some more of mini-me's stuff together. All of it. So it looks like they are really keeping her. At least until July. Fahja is going to the desert for 6 months. But I hope I'll be better by then (not healed I know that won't happen but better)
I'll start follow you guys that have one later but my mom just called and I have to get some more of mini-me's stuff together. All of it. So it looks like they are really keeping her. At least until July. Fahja is going to the desert for 6 months. But I hope I'll be better by then (not healed I know that won't happen but better)
Man oh man....
It's a lot of stuff maybe a bit jumbled...yeah just so you know before you read...
I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride of emotions. Especially the past few weeks.
First things first. The P.U.s finally took mini-me off my hands. They finally realized that at the moment I'm not a fit mother, but in order to keep her in the family we'll avoid telling child services. I am so happy. My kid is safe and with people she loves. How sad is it that when they dropped me off at home my kid was crying because she thought she had to go home, and then later they came back from shopping with her so I could give them all the clothes and her food (that's another good thing) and toys, she cried because she was like WTF I don't want to go home. She was fine with a Farewell kiss from me and going with my P.U.s.
I think that says enough. I def need to get my shit together first, but I'm actually not upset. I'm glad that it was this easy and there was no big thing about her not wanting to go.
So what did I do last night. Went partying with my bestie. Since we live so far apart and they all (her + friends) happened to come to my end of the world for a club concert, I decided fuck this I'll feel guilty for partying while my kid is gone tomorrow. Well I drank way to many calories. Plus I realized Vodka-Redbull is a drink my stomach can't handle anymore. I was getting nauseous from all that damn sugar. Yay for changing tastes. But instead of having them pick me up I walked the 30-45min walk to the club from my house. (listening to Thinspo music) I was like if I'm gonna fuck my shit up like this I'm at least gonna walk over there. It felt great but I think in my overly-tipsy(not quite drunk) state I might have admitted to my ED behaviors, to one of the friends there. Hopefully she was just to drunk to remember. I'll feign ignorance should it come up. WHAAAAAT I said that? I musta been drunk. I don't remember that. I talk a lotta shit when I'm drunk, sorry
Speaking of being drunk, I felt freaking awesome last night. I actually thought I looked good before I went out. But I was drinking at home and I was kinda tipsy. Oh yeah Alcohol def puts on the mental beauty glasses (they are off again). Oh well the fact that it has so many calories is enough of a put off for now. Oh and at the concert the performer was smoking weed and I smelled it, friends smelled it, and everybody looked at me. WHAAT I know I'm a pot head, and yes I woulda loved to have smoked with but I swear that ain't me smoking! ha ha.
Since they dropped me off at home after and they had a cold McDs cheeseburger, I ate it. Pretty much purged it all back up after because, I always purge after a night of alcohol. I still feel dehydration nausea but I don't have any other hangover symptoms. I was up at 7:30 am. WTF?
Right now I'm doing good. I think. I know I can at least start getting my shit together (somewhat), speaking of which fahja was talking about making me do "in-house" therapy. His words. Yeah he wants me to be checked in. WTF. I'm not that bad off. I swear...
Oh yeah I know so far this is a long rambly post about a party night. I'll now focus on food.
Yesterday when my P.U.s came to get mini-me I gave them all her food. And now my fridge has tofu, soy milk, and condiments in it. That is how it's staying. I don't have to go grocery shopping anymore. I am so happy. Well for soy milk but hell that ain't a biggie. No more solids in my house unless I have to put up a front for someone!I'm thinking of throwing the tofu out. None of my friends like it and it's solid food. Anyone want some tofu? ha ha
Oh man, the upside of not having a kid living with me is I can completely let myself fall into Ana's and Mia's hands. I know it's sick in a way but I know you guys still love me.
I love all you guys, even when I was partying you guys were in my mind. It's funny (maybe sad to others) but this community has become something like a family.
Hey guys let's buy an island in the pacific and live in a commune. ha ha
I might still have some alcohol in my system
Stay strong guys
MUAH
P.S. my weight is up .3 grams. I don't care today I fucking drank last night...I mean I do care but I'm trying not to.
I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride of emotions. Especially the past few weeks.
First things first. The P.U.s finally took mini-me off my hands. They finally realized that at the moment I'm not a fit mother, but in order to keep her in the family we'll avoid telling child services. I am so happy. My kid is safe and with people she loves. How sad is it that when they dropped me off at home my kid was crying because she thought she had to go home, and then later they came back from shopping with her so I could give them all the clothes and her food (that's another good thing) and toys, she cried because she was like WTF I don't want to go home. She was fine with a Farewell kiss from me and going with my P.U.s.
I think that says enough. I def need to get my shit together first, but I'm actually not upset. I'm glad that it was this easy and there was no big thing about her not wanting to go.
So what did I do last night. Went partying with my bestie. Since we live so far apart and they all (her + friends) happened to come to my end of the world for a club concert, I decided fuck this I'll feel guilty for partying while my kid is gone tomorrow. Well I drank way to many calories. Plus I realized Vodka-Redbull is a drink my stomach can't handle anymore. I was getting nauseous from all that damn sugar. Yay for changing tastes. But instead of having them pick me up I walked the 30-45min walk to the club from my house. (listening to Thinspo music) I was like if I'm gonna fuck my shit up like this I'm at least gonna walk over there. It felt great but I think in my overly-tipsy(not quite drunk) state I might have admitted to my ED behaviors, to one of the friends there. Hopefully she was just to drunk to remember. I'll feign ignorance should it come up. WHAAAAAT I said that? I musta been drunk. I don't remember that. I talk a lotta shit when I'm drunk, sorry
Speaking of being drunk, I felt freaking awesome last night. I actually thought I looked good before I went out. But I was drinking at home and I was kinda tipsy. Oh yeah Alcohol def puts on the mental beauty glasses (they are off again). Oh well the fact that it has so many calories is enough of a put off for now. Oh and at the concert the performer was smoking weed and I smelled it, friends smelled it, and everybody looked at me. WHAAT I know I'm a pot head, and yes I woulda loved to have smoked with but I swear that ain't me smoking! ha ha.
Since they dropped me off at home after and they had a cold McDs cheeseburger, I ate it. Pretty much purged it all back up after because, I always purge after a night of alcohol. I still feel dehydration nausea but I don't have any other hangover symptoms. I was up at 7:30 am. WTF?
Right now I'm doing good. I think. I know I can at least start getting my shit together (somewhat), speaking of which fahja was talking about making me do "in-house" therapy. His words. Yeah he wants me to be checked in. WTF. I'm not that bad off. I swear...
Oh yeah I know so far this is a long rambly post about a party night. I'll now focus on food.
Yesterday when my P.U.s came to get mini-me I gave them all her food. And now my fridge has tofu, soy milk, and condiments in it. That is how it's staying. I don't have to go grocery shopping anymore. I am so happy. Well for soy milk but hell that ain't a biggie. No more solids in my house unless I have to put up a front for someone!I'm thinking of throwing the tofu out. None of my friends like it and it's solid food. Anyone want some tofu? ha ha
Oh man, the upside of not having a kid living with me is I can completely let myself fall into Ana's and Mia's hands. I know it's sick in a way but I know you guys still love me.
I love all you guys, even when I was partying you guys were in my mind. It's funny (maybe sad to others) but this community has become something like a family.
Hey guys let's buy an island in the pacific and live in a commune. ha ha
I might still have some alcohol in my system
Stay strong guys
MUAH
P.S. my weight is up .3 grams. I don't care today I fucking drank last night...I mean I do care but I'm trying not to.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
HAPPY EASTER...FUCK CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Weight: 177.03(80.3kg)
at least not a total failure after so much unallowed food consumption
That song is so calming to me at the moment.
I'm so glad I'm not into holiday candy, especially today one more thing to keep me on track.
I've been loading my MP3 player with thinspo music. Yay
well today will be another shit afternoon. I have to make fahja understand if they can't help me the way I need it then I'll really have to find a foster family.
Well I'll try to stay as positive as possible...
Stay strong guys
muah
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Found my trigger...
ok i finally know what's been triggering my binges the past few days. ok before i say it not all of them would be considered a true binge but considering I didn't want to eat at all they are mini binges well at least yesterday was...i'm scared to step on the scale today as I have been the past few days
I've been eating again today...ugh i'm mad at myself but now to the revealing of my main trigger:
The Simpsons.
Yes that yellow family where every episode has homer eating "bad" foods. Foods I can't have. I was watching season 21 online and in one episode Marge was on the whole health food thing, and she couldn't take it anymore so she finds Homer's secret stash and is stuffing her face as if it was a binge. Crouched in the corner just shoving it in.
Why did it take me so long to figure that out? I don't know but from now on no more simpson by myself where food is readily available.
I must do better. I must stop eating. Just the shakes tomorrow since today it's to late. Hopefully I can stick to just tea and water for the rest of today!!!
Love all you guys stay strong.
MUAH
P.S. Zen and P.D., I envy your access to T-max
I've been eating again today...ugh i'm mad at myself but now to the revealing of my main trigger:
The Simpsons.
Yes that yellow family where every episode has homer eating "bad" foods. Foods I can't have. I was watching season 21 online and in one episode Marge was on the whole health food thing, and she couldn't take it anymore so she finds Homer's secret stash and is stuffing her face as if it was a binge. Crouched in the corner just shoving it in.
Why did it take me so long to figure that out? I don't know but from now on no more simpson by myself where food is readily available.
I must do better. I must stop eating. Just the shakes tomorrow since today it's to late. Hopefully I can stick to just tea and water for the rest of today!!!
Love all you guys stay strong.
MUAH
P.S. Zen and P.D., I envy your access to T-max
Friday, April 2, 2010
Awesome
Oh I feel so good just power-walked 1 hour through the fields. Feel so good. I jogged for like 2 mins. I'm working on it gradually, I've never ran voluntarily but I'm motivated.
And Zen: Hell yeah, I'm doing so well on this stuff that I don't even feel the need to quit. So I'll do it as long as I can. Well next saturday is quits for that day anyway. I'll be drinking a lot.
Anyway stay strong guys you're all beautiful and your comments always make me happy!!
Thanks for all the inspiration
MUAH
And Zen: Hell yeah, I'm doing so well on this stuff that I don't even feel the need to quit. So I'll do it as long as I can. Well next saturday is quits for that day anyway. I'll be drinking a lot.
Anyway stay strong guys you're all beautiful and your comments always make me happy!!
Thanks for all the inspiration
MUAH
Thursday, April 1, 2010
so I did good today
All I had since the salad was one more protein drink and now i'm drinking 1.5L of Apple + Vitamin C tea. Very yummy unsweetened (for my taste buds anyway). I don't think I've drank anything all day. Having an extremely relaxing evening. Working on my bracelet. I keep messing up the knots so it's taking me some time. I'm supposed to go running tomorrow morning with a friend. I'm stoked! See my problem is, I restrict (somewhat) but since I don't exercise it's even more frustrating because it takes longer. So exercise needs to start becoming a priority. Hopefully I can do it since tomorrow, at least I have no mini-me.
This should do not only my body, but also my psyche good!
Endorphins WHOOOOO!!!!
This should do not only my body, but also my psyche good!
Endorphins WHOOOOO!!!!
Thank You
P.D. and Heather for you comments, they help a lot.
I know I need to figure something out with the drugs because slowly it's going from recreational to more. I'm basically returning to my days before I had my kid. All I did in my free time was smoke pot, and other drugs here and there. Thank goodness nothing hard, I found out I was pregnant before it got there.
Yeah nothing can change a woman like an unwanted pregnancy. Well I went straightedge the moment I decided to have her...stayed that way until I stopped nursing and then..."Girls just wanna have fun" you know?
Well anyway instead of griping about my past I'm here to say I get to have me time. Tonight she's staying at the P.U's house and all day tomorrow.
Responsibility free bliss.
Well I'm really just going to keep working on my bracelet which actually is almost done. Making a bracelet I've found is awesome. I'm so focused on tying the knots that I don't even think about any problems.
Maybe I'll meet a friend. Tomorrow is a holiday so I'll probably just go to the park and chill outside with my diary and a book somewhere, focusing on my thoughts.
On the food front...
I did well. I had:
Protein Shake
Salad with Lettuce, Tomatoes, Cucumber, Tofu, Salt, Pepper and a lot of Apple Vinegar
I'm not sure on calories but either way I did good. I'm allowed to eat one meal a day with the shakes and I've decided when I need the comfort of food I'll have a salad just like above. It's not awesome but it's pretty good. Plus I LOVE vinegar and it's good for weight loss as it makes you feel full faster.
So the day is ending ok.
I will leave drugs harder than pot alone...well I'll work on it.
Oh and I found out today I have to wait until May for my appointment with a therapist and that's quick other doctors have like a minimum 6 month waiting list. But the lady told my mom I'll probably have to go on meds just to start the therapy since my case seems so extreme, I know I need help but...WOAH wtf...anyway I'll tell them I want nothing where a possible side effect is appetite. It sucks that I have to wait but it'll be ok. Although I'm actually super nervous, trusting a complete stranger with my shit...woah (and blogger doesn't count, there's just understanding here...THANK GOODNESS)
muah muah muah guys
Stay strong
I will do better for myself!!!
I know I need to figure something out with the drugs because slowly it's going from recreational to more. I'm basically returning to my days before I had my kid. All I did in my free time was smoke pot, and other drugs here and there. Thank goodness nothing hard, I found out I was pregnant before it got there.
Yeah nothing can change a woman like an unwanted pregnancy. Well I went straightedge the moment I decided to have her...stayed that way until I stopped nursing and then..."Girls just wanna have fun" you know?
Well anyway instead of griping about my past I'm here to say I get to have me time. Tonight she's staying at the P.U's house and all day tomorrow.
Responsibility free bliss.
Well I'm really just going to keep working on my bracelet which actually is almost done. Making a bracelet I've found is awesome. I'm so focused on tying the knots that I don't even think about any problems.
Maybe I'll meet a friend. Tomorrow is a holiday so I'll probably just go to the park and chill outside with my diary and a book somewhere, focusing on my thoughts.
On the food front...
I did well. I had:
Protein Shake
Salad with Lettuce, Tomatoes, Cucumber, Tofu, Salt, Pepper and a lot of Apple Vinegar
I'm not sure on calories but either way I did good. I'm allowed to eat one meal a day with the shakes and I've decided when I need the comfort of food I'll have a salad just like above. It's not awesome but it's pretty good. Plus I LOVE vinegar and it's good for weight loss as it makes you feel full faster.
So the day is ending ok.
I will leave drugs harder than pot alone...well I'll work on it.
Oh and I found out today I have to wait until May for my appointment with a therapist and that's quick other doctors have like a minimum 6 month waiting list. But the lady told my mom I'll probably have to go on meds just to start the therapy since my case seems so extreme, I know I need help but...WOAH wtf...anyway I'll tell them I want nothing where a possible side effect is appetite. It sucks that I have to wait but it'll be ok. Although I'm actually super nervous, trusting a complete stranger with my shit...woah (and blogger doesn't count, there's just understanding here...THANK GOODNESS)
muah muah muah guys
Stay strong
I will do better for myself!!!
mrrrrmmmmm
it's self-pitying....you've been warned:
that's how i spell out the sound marge simpson makes when she feels dissatisfaction.
I HATE MYSELF
I AM WEAK
I AM TO DEPENDENT ON OUTSIDE FORCES
wtf made me think it was alright to do dxm? granted one time it helped me view myself in a better light, and stop purging for a bit. but yesterday i looked into the mirror and i looked round, my face looked round, i don't even think my face looks that round sober.
well i made great process on the bracelet later last night until i realized i'd skipped a whole color for who knows how long and now i have to restart i think. but it's ok the bracelet making is actually fun.
last night after sharting myself while on the phone with my b.f.f., and then deciding to read the side effects of the pills which include, nausea, diarrhea, and vomiting. Great I got to experience every last one of those last night. Which when you enjoy vomiting and you haven't eaten anything all day, that complete emptiness when your ass and your mouth want to spew but have nothing, felt awesome.
I know I have mixed feelings about last night,
on one side YAY I was super high and empty and did stuff and felt good
on the other side BOOO I have to depend on chemistry to get me through? And we're not even talking prescribed chemistry, I'm talking cough medicine WTF? Oh and let's not forget sleeping mini-me next door. I feel like such a junkie mom (I know not the worst drug...but still). Pot I have no problems with because to me it's that beer that others drink to come down in the evening. I smoke a j.
I need a therapist my mom is calling one at noon. I know, I'm 23, run my own household and I don't have the balls to call a doctor for an appointment.
I=sad....
now i don't even know if they are going to take her for an extended time but now the previously oh so awesome fahja is not cooperating. well unless he wants me to end up on the 12 o'clock news as a mother that either killed or hurt her child he needs to do something. foster family is def still a possibility. i love my child to much to allow myself a complete breakdown in front of her if i still have the sanity to fight it.
i could go into why i'm doing this but i think i've done that before, maybe i'll sit down and write exactly why i feel such dissatisfaction but if i did that i couldn't make mini-me's breakfast. ugh she woke up crying today...that's never a good sign. it'll be a long day. at least i already got a kiss from her (very rare occurrence she's not very lovey dovey) which makes me happy. love my little monster.
today i'm continuing with no eating. I'll be drinking 2 protein shakes as mentioned in my previous post. I just have to stay food free. I can't control crazy but i can control the food going into my mouth...it's just about the last thing i have control over since my life is def not the thing i'm controlling
mrrrrrmmmmm
if you read this i love you...i shall respect you for making it through this "thing" whatever you wanna call it
muah muah muah
off to continue reading more blogs...i try to read entire blogs before i hit follow so it takes me a while...actually no reading now, I'll be making mini-me's food now but after that while she eats...yeah
that's how i spell out the sound marge simpson makes when she feels dissatisfaction.
I HATE MYSELF
I AM WEAK
I AM TO DEPENDENT ON OUTSIDE FORCES
wtf made me think it was alright to do dxm? granted one time it helped me view myself in a better light, and stop purging for a bit. but yesterday i looked into the mirror and i looked round, my face looked round, i don't even think my face looks that round sober.
well i made great process on the bracelet later last night until i realized i'd skipped a whole color for who knows how long and now i have to restart i think. but it's ok the bracelet making is actually fun.
last night after sharting myself while on the phone with my b.f.f., and then deciding to read the side effects of the pills which include, nausea, diarrhea, and vomiting. Great I got to experience every last one of those last night. Which when you enjoy vomiting and you haven't eaten anything all day, that complete emptiness when your ass and your mouth want to spew but have nothing, felt awesome.
I know I have mixed feelings about last night,
on one side YAY I was super high and empty and did stuff and felt good
on the other side BOOO I have to depend on chemistry to get me through? And we're not even talking prescribed chemistry, I'm talking cough medicine WTF? Oh and let's not forget sleeping mini-me next door. I feel like such a junkie mom (I know not the worst drug...but still). Pot I have no problems with because to me it's that beer that others drink to come down in the evening. I smoke a j.
I need a therapist my mom is calling one at noon. I know, I'm 23, run my own household and I don't have the balls to call a doctor for an appointment.
I=sad....
now i don't even know if they are going to take her for an extended time but now the previously oh so awesome fahja is not cooperating. well unless he wants me to end up on the 12 o'clock news as a mother that either killed or hurt her child he needs to do something. foster family is def still a possibility. i love my child to much to allow myself a complete breakdown in front of her if i still have the sanity to fight it.
i could go into why i'm doing this but i think i've done that before, maybe i'll sit down and write exactly why i feel such dissatisfaction but if i did that i couldn't make mini-me's breakfast. ugh she woke up crying today...that's never a good sign. it'll be a long day. at least i already got a kiss from her (very rare occurrence she's not very lovey dovey) which makes me happy. love my little monster.
today i'm continuing with no eating. I'll be drinking 2 protein shakes as mentioned in my previous post. I just have to stay food free. I can't control crazy but i can control the food going into my mouth...it's just about the last thing i have control over since my life is def not the thing i'm controlling
mrrrrrmmmmm
if you read this i love you...i shall respect you for making it through this "thing" whatever you wanna call it
muah muah muah
off to continue reading more blogs...i try to read entire blogs before i hit follow so it takes me a while...actually no reading now, I'll be making mini-me's food now but after that while she eats...yeah
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