ups and downs and blaaaahhh...thank you seroquel

yeah so basically here goes the reason for not having posted a blog or comments recently... wednesday my oh so smart and intelligent self broke the display to my laptop...damn headphones in between. (my mom loaned me her netbook for the time being) doing so made me so mad at myself that i fell into a pit of self-loathing. a pretty deep pit (you'll see i'm going to add the 2 journal entries i made with you in mind at the time) didn't help that Aunt Flow came to visit. i talked to my therapist and she put me on seroquel which i am to take when i'm in a deep pit again. what sucks is that when i take it although i can't go down in mood i can't go up either it's just a constant blaaaaahhhhh... even smiling at things i know are funny is hard. i'm so glad that i met great people here who help me along the way. it's funny how the fellow patients are better than the therapists. except they can't provide me with drugs....lol.
oh before i type up the journal entries i will definitely respond to all the comments i got just not today!!! thank you oh and the sunshine award i'll also do a separate post for thanks lola (i'll link her in the award post)...it sucks that it's limited to a certain number of people since so many of you give me strength and of course that most of you have already got an award but hey i'll figure something out. i might do it tomorrow though since today i'm pretty tired already. although i've had a good evening.
at the end I added a funny little tid bit of my life here...

20 April 2010
i am filled with self loathing. i broke my laptop. i am angry and pissed. what did i do to punish myself? binge & purge... if i was a cutter i'd be cutting. i just want to purge the emptiness in my stomach. ugh. i'm so fucking pissd. i hate my body, i feel like i weigh and look 1000 lbs. loathing loathing. i thought i was doing so good but such a small thing has thrown me completely off balance. all the progress i made seems to have disappeared. i hate myself. i couldn't even stay on the phone with my besty. i just want to scratch myself until my skin is torn open and it'll hurt for the next few days to remind myself of what a fucking dumb ass i am. i don't deserve happiness, i don't deserve my awesome daughter. i deserve nothing. i shouldn't have even taken the pain killer for my headache. all i deserve is fucking pain. i hate myself sooo fucking much. don't fear death is something i don't deserve because escape would mean release, and someone like me doesn't even deserve that.
I HATE MYSELF
21 April 2010
it's like the past two weeks i was so occupied with the people around me that i pushed all my self hatred to the back of my mind.
the only solace i can seem to find are in ana & mia. they help me conquer one part of my self hatred...
i'm sitting here trying not to hurt myself in any way but it's hard. i'm not a cutter so that isn't an issue, no i'm a scratcher. i'll pick a random spot on my body and scratch until i bleed and i'm certain that in the morning when i shower it'll burn on contact with the water. yes i do it to remind myself of punishment. i just want to go and crawl into a...something dark where i can hid my ugly fat self. god i hate my weakness. i want drugs but they'll only give me a few hours of escape., that's just not enough. i'm filled with so much self-loathing right now i feel like every bit of progress i made was just an illusion. i hunger for pain. any kind of pain. somthing... i think i can still win against the urge...
I WANT PAIN
and a future

oh and the funny side note thursday one of the staff caught me purging:
S: Are you okay?
I: yes
S: you don't sound like you're ok
I: I'm fine thanks
now I thought she was gone so i finish up and come out but no she was standing there
S: Why were you throwing up
I: Oh I ate to much to fast, and it wasn't very good
S: Have you ever thrown up while here
I: No (shit a big lie but hell why would I tell the truth)
S: Have you ever thrown up at home
I: Yeah (smile)
S: When
I: When I had the stomach flu
S: Oh ok well you need to tell the staff when you aren't feeling well
I: Ok will do my mom brought me some snacks I'm gonna eat those

so then I took a nutri-grain bar, ate one in front of the eyes of the staff and threw the other one away...bastards!!!

i will catch up probably tomorrow in between my therapies lots of hugs and kisses
stay strong
MUAH