quick post

well in the common room not much privacy my roommate is having her meeting with her therapist in our room. I got kicked out...lol
well i don't know if it's the meds or the additional (th)inspiration I get from you guys again but i have no appetite and my food doesn't even want to stay down. It's like ana is sitting on one shoulder keeping me from eating, and mia on my other urging me to offer the little i do take in to the Porcelain God.
I need to remember to use my banana hair clip to induce purging because my knuckle is starting to stay red. I'm still good it's normal now.
It's kind of funny I had activity therapy today and at the end we were supposed to relax my first thought was hmmm how can i get around eating lunch. which right now everyone is still joking about how i take like 2 bites and throw the rest away but if it keeps going like this...I'm really going to have to figure something out. They watch me. Not the caretakers or doctors but my fellow patients. And unlike Mia-Girly, I can't come out about my eating because I honestly don't want help for it. Not yet, maybe not ever. I've also come to the realization 117lbs is probably not going to be enough. I want my ribs out, I want my hip bones jutting out ready to slice, I want my sternum visible, I want dainty wrists, I want my spine visible and I want my shoulder blades out. At first it wasn't like that but now when I stretch up I can see like 4 ribs on each side and I'm LOVING the sight of them. It's proof of results. I've also lost some weight once again, awesome. I want to feel extreme hunger again. I want to know what that empty starving feeling in my stomach feels like again. They feed us so often here that there's no time to get hungry between meals. Right now I'm sticking with the excuse I only eat when I'm hungry and I'm just not hungry. Sorry!!! but not really.
It's like the better I get with my social anxiety and depression the more I turn to my one point of control. Over here it's really overwhelming because you put so much trust into the doctors, staff, and patients that I feel like I don't have control over anything except that. Here is where I've come to realize the depth of my disordered eating. I know it might sound depressing but actually I'm celebrating it (as sick as it is, and I don't suggest anyone go down my path), it makes me happy to have my own little secret, my own fountain of control I can draw strength from.

And to all you beautiful ladies, I am still catching up on all your blogs posting where I can.
Well I have to go to my next therapy, it's drawing. They read us a story then give us a theme and we have to draw to it and then discuss what we drew. It's pretty awesome aside from my sucky drawing skills!!!
Stay Strong!!!
MUAH (x2938539856)
i guess this post is longer than I thought no proof reading please excuse, but I know you guys love me.