When ordering from a pizza service

First figure out what to order, it's not about taste although I order a ridiculous amount it still has to look like i'm ordering for more than one person. I mean yeah fat girl answering the door but it must look like fat girl has somebody in her living room waiting for their share.
Always order online, no need to let them hear my voice it might give away something I don't want to share the fact that a binge is happening and the excitement and horror of the coming binge, also to be avoided the need to pretend there is somebody else in the room.
Hit the delivery button.
Make sure apartment is in order, shoes are neatly lined up, place some extra shoes so it looks like there's somebody else there. Yes it's pathetic but this is what I do. I sometimes even let the shower run so it seems like someone is in the shower. Make sure all my coats are hanging. Yes I try to fake the funk. I could never be a mia that goes into a buffet and just goes at it by herself. I'm very secretive the idea of people knowing the amounts I eat freaks me the fuck out. I'm ashamed of myself.
Oh have you guessed what I did tonight? yeah totally went for it. I mean hardcore.
I wanted to share my patheticness with you guys. shameful how i have no more shame when it comes to sharing how sad of a person i really am. as much as i offer my cyber-shoulder trust me you never want to cry on my real shoulder 1 it's fat and disgusting and 2 my patheticness (which is not really a word well wasn't until now) might rub off on you. Ha Ha
no but seriously this is a order-food-binge day for me. it's my ritual sad i know.
so yeah delivery guy comes and then after he gives me the food it takes him forever to get the damn card reader to work, he was new but all i was thinking was hurry up dammit i need to gorge myself, and man you're making my water bill more expensive here buddy. so then once he's done i give him 2 euros for his silence (didn't say it of course). then i wait by the door until he goes down the stairs which once again takes him forever. then i turn the water off in the shower and the rest is history and doesn't really need to be shared
be stronger than me, mia got to me today
MUAH

ups and downs and blaaaahhh...thank you seroquel

yeah so basically here goes the reason for not having posted a blog or comments recently... wednesday my oh so smart and intelligent self broke the display to my laptop...damn headphones in between. (my mom loaned me her netbook for the time being) doing so made me so mad at myself that i fell into a pit of self-loathing. a pretty deep pit (you'll see i'm going to add the 2 journal entries i made with you in mind at the time) didn't help that Aunt Flow came to visit. i talked to my therapist and she put me on seroquel which i am to take when i'm in a deep pit again. what sucks is that when i take it although i can't go down in mood i can't go up either it's just a constant blaaaaahhhhh... even smiling at things i know are funny is hard. i'm so glad that i met great people here who help me along the way. it's funny how the fellow patients are better than the therapists. except they can't provide me with drugs....lol.
oh before i type up the journal entries i will definitely respond to all the comments i got just not today!!! thank you oh and the sunshine award i'll also do a separate post for thanks lola (i'll link her in the award post)...it sucks that it's limited to a certain number of people since so many of you give me strength and of course that most of you have already got an award but hey i'll figure something out. i might do it tomorrow though since today i'm pretty tired already. although i've had a good evening.
at the end I added a funny little tid bit of my life here...

20 April 2010
i am filled with self loathing. i broke my laptop. i am angry and pissed. what did i do to punish myself? binge & purge... if i was a cutter i'd be cutting. i just want to purge the emptiness in my stomach. ugh. i'm so fucking pissd. i hate my body, i feel like i weigh and look 1000 lbs. loathing loathing. i thought i was doing so good but such a small thing has thrown me completely off balance. all the progress i made seems to have disappeared. i hate myself. i couldn't even stay on the phone with my besty. i just want to scratch myself until my skin is torn open and it'll hurt for the next few days to remind myself of what a fucking dumb ass i am. i don't deserve happiness, i don't deserve my awesome daughter. i deserve nothing. i shouldn't have even taken the pain killer for my headache. all i deserve is fucking pain. i hate myself sooo fucking much. don't fear death is something i don't deserve because escape would mean release, and someone like me doesn't even deserve that.
I HATE MYSELF
21 April 2010
it's like the past two weeks i was so occupied with the people around me that i pushed all my self hatred to the back of my mind.
the only solace i can seem to find are in ana & mia. they help me conquer one part of my self hatred...
i'm sitting here trying not to hurt myself in any way but it's hard. i'm not a cutter so that isn't an issue, no i'm a scratcher. i'll pick a random spot on my body and scratch until i bleed and i'm certain that in the morning when i shower it'll burn on contact with the water. yes i do it to remind myself of punishment. i just want to go and crawl into a...something dark where i can hid my ugly fat self. god i hate my weakness. i want drugs but they'll only give me a few hours of escape., that's just not enough. i'm filled with so much self-loathing right now i feel like every bit of progress i made was just an illusion. i hunger for pain. any kind of pain. somthing... i think i can still win against the urge...
I WANT PAIN
and a future

oh and the funny side note thursday one of the staff caught me purging:
S: Are you okay?
I: yes
S: you don't sound like you're ok
I: I'm fine thanks
now I thought she was gone so i finish up and come out but no she was standing there
S: Why were you throwing up
I: Oh I ate to much to fast, and it wasn't very good
S: Have you ever thrown up while here
I: No (shit a big lie but hell why would I tell the truth)
S: Have you ever thrown up at home
I: Yeah (smile)
S: When
I: When I had the stomach flu
S: Oh ok well you need to tell the staff when you aren't feeling well
I: Ok will do my mom brought me some snacks I'm gonna eat those

so then I took a nutri-grain bar, ate one in front of the eyes of the staff and threw the other one away...bastards!!!

i will catch up probably tomorrow in between my therapies lots of hugs and kisses
stay strong
MUAH