It's scary since "recovery" I have turned kinda into foodie...kitchen utensils make me happy...I fill time with food I'm only good when I'm busy been on vacay ages and the holidays took their toll my significant other who I'll call the manchild got me my wish...a deep fryer...first thing I made was doughnuts...they made it into me and have yet to leave me....on the bright side today I fried some and had no appetite so the glaze is in the fridge and the doughnuts in the freezer but instead of going with lack of appetite my dumbass eats rice with kimchi and then I made thai curry....fucking hell man and now all I see is my gut and I say starve bitch....I can't purge so therapy was good for something but there's an utter feeling of disgust when I think of doing it...but I miss my bones and hate my rolls and I'm either gonna eat or starve I lack the ability of a middle ground.....argh but tomorrow oh yes if no hunger I don't eat I need to take this opportunity. ..I sometimes wish I was preggers but just for the morning sickness....mini me is enough for me so not reallz an option...though the manchild would love it but he'd have to drop that child bc although he is my senior biologically mentally he is my junior by ten....love works in mysterious ways...Anyway food is my enemy and I've started enjoying it and I always refused to turn fat after recovery but here it is I did....I need to break out the scale again and I think avoiding it and fearing it since recovery has caused this...but shes coming out and we will palaver....I like that word....apologies for bad grammar word misuse and misspelling im using my phone
Muah

missing you...

I miss my eating disorder...it was the worst time of my life but it gave me purpose...I can't turn to mia I don't think I'm able to purge anymore...but I do miss ana. I have gotten so fat its fucking ridiculous...I am scared to step on my scale but in all seriousness I'm flirting with the idea I can't seem to cope without her in my life. I've been a good girl so long but I look in the mirror full of disgust. ...Dylphe may be back....