urrrmmmm quite a negative post today

lately i've been listening to a lot of music
i took 2 laxies today
i was triggered by a friend so i b/p'ed twice today
i'm exhausted
unmotivated

i don't know i'm not having a bad day but it's just a blargh, how about i talk about last night a bit.
my friend came over last night. i figured ok it'll be good to have somebody around in some way. so she came over, which she's a friend from my pot head days. we lit up the j came to me 3 times. we followed the puff puff pass rule. i only wanted to pull twice but it turned into 3. it felt amazing. but i don't feel the urge to have it in my life but truly just here and there. (so yeah Phantom should we ever meet in person I'm down with smoking a blunt ^_^)
well we smoked in my bathroom, she lifted the toilet lid and seat to ash in and so the remnants of my purge on the side. dammit why do i forget to clean the toilet after a purge sometimes?
anyway she knows. which was fine i explained to her the need of control in my life she asked if my therapists know and i told her no but they know about my need to have control over my weight. and how they told me that once i get a hobby and a job and all that normal stuff i'd probably loose this want for control so it's just a matter of time. (ok it's a lie if anything having a job and whatnot will probably plunge me further into this abyss)
anyway this morning she brought it up again after i came back from dropping mini-me off. ugh why did i have to be so honest. fuck you weed (i love you anyway).
anyway so she was like it's not good to eat you'll be tired, and exhausted.(my thoughts in a different color) i wish i could control what i eat to nothingness, if i ate nothing i wouldn't need to give an offering at my favorite porcelain altar then i tell her i don't throw up all the time and i know all the risks and a lecture is not going to make me stop. i know what can happen to my body. the heart problems, the hair loss, the blood in vomit, the deadly looking complexion. her well what if you have like a stroke, what about mini me. so i answer it won't happen wins out.
so then we leave the house i'd wanted to go drink coffee with her but the place she suggested ended up being closed so we just did our grocery shopping together and on the way she's all talking about food and what she was going to eat and she's listing non vegan foods (ok i can't really call myself vegan because my binges are def non vegan but i try) and i'm just like oh well i don't eat that, it's not vegan. and then she's talking about some strawberry smoothies she makes and asks me if i still eat strawberries. and i'm like uhm yeah i do still eat i don't live on nothing unfortunately.
yeah so when i got home after we went our separate ways i binged and purged. i couldn't help it. it just all this talking about that just urgghhh it's so fucking aggravating. this is why it's something you keep secret. she had the nerve to also ask me if my mom knew about it. uhm yeah it's totally something i'm going to tell the world. if i hadn't been high i would have kept that shit to myself.
oh and this morning after i'd gotten dressed and weighed myself (not in that order) and the scale saying 76.1kg she's all like omg you look so thin and small. bitch stop saying stupid shit i feel fat and you're comments aren't helping. i don't know why that comment which should have made me happy made me feel shittier. i think it's because i know it's a lie.
however a proud moment...no munchies. yeah none at all i was able to make food disgusting to me. i think more than the feelings i get high, the disgust of food is what really kept me smoking. i knew when i smoked food would be disgusting, so it became an all day thing for me. yes i know i have a kid but not the point here i'm a flawed mother, i don't even need to get into that one. if i do i'll just hate myself more than i already do with all this weight and what not. at least right no my self hatred is focused on something that if i make use of that will power i have somewhere in me i can change it.
oh during my first b/p for no reason i had the urge to cry but i couldn't i could only tear up. but it was there. i don't even know why there was no reason, at least i had the next best thing lined up...purging. so i purged the emotion away and felt fucking great.
the only downside to the current purging is that since i had to take that break (i know it was short but idk) i'm super tired after purging now. which is fine makes me to lazy to get up for anything aside from mini-me's needs.
yeah i've read all your posts today and just want to say sorry for not commenting i barely have the energy or willpower to write this post but i'm really trying to be a good blogger and post everyday that i can.
i don't know about next week because next tuesday until the new year i'll be going down to my besties because i just need to enter 2011 with her, she's my soulmate we can never be together since we both love penis but doesn't change the fact, makes my life easier because i don't have to look for mine anymore just gotta find a guy who'll take me with all my issues, and lola when i find him i'll try to get you his brother if he has one lol. this way i can help her out by looking out for her kid while she's at work so she doesn't have to try and find a baby sitter since school is on winter break. but i'll be taking my laptop and my phone so i might just post from my phone which means more typos than what's good but it'll be ok you'll get over it (^_^)
before i end this i have to come clean about something. i mean i just realized this myself but i don't think i'm ready to give up mia...actually i don't even know anymore if i want to. i kept telling myself i do considering all the dangers and what not but i actually enjoy my trip to the bathroom a bit to much to be wanting to leave her. i think i was in denial. when i'm ready i'll seek out professional help.
stay strong you lovely lovely bloggers and blog readers, my true support system as i'm falling down into this twisted ass abyss of disordered eating
MUAH