my body is not like yours, i don't loose weight like you do. i can't follow a "normal" diet and expect it to work for me. my body is not capable of processing food like a normal person. i've fucked it up.
after a binge follow the 3 p's
pee
purge
puff
it's ridiculous. i lost count on my b/ps in the past few days. it's disgusting. don't ask me how many times i went at it today. i don't know anymore. i'm disappointed but it's that high i get. it's not the same high i used to get, it's just happiness that the food i couldn't resist stayed out. i need to figure out why i do this and stop. i need to fast. i need to restrict. why am i suffering. do i need to wait until the new year? i don't want to. i have so much weight to drop. 45.9lbs if i'm going by this mornings weight. fuck that's a lot.
i'm so urrrgghh right now only because this is my struggling weight. i'd like to think that since everybody has that weight that their body wants to be at and will fight to be at this must be mine. how retardedly fucked up is my body to want to be an overweight fat pig? it's time to beat that out of it. i don't care what my body wants if i did i wouldn't be destroying it in the process.
anyway i'm not really depressed right now just frustrated with myself. i'll be fine in the morning. much movement i hope.
we'll see what tomorrow brings since mini-me was sick and all. damn snow chaos over here. we're in fucking germany you know what winters are like. this is not the south in the states where everything shuts down because of one snowflake. WTF. ok i'm not trying to bash stateside but when we were living there for the first time (well me not my mom, who'd lived in the northern midwest before) we were like WHAAT the schools are closed?
no but seriously everything was in chaos yesterday morning. insanity. get your shit together city.
anyway so over that i'm starting to type in tired delirium so excuse me.
OMG System of a Down is coming here next summer and I probably won't have the money to go because those tickets will probably sell out like next month. BASTARDS. but anyway at least they'll be at Rock im Park and Rock am Ring so I'm sure MTV will broadcast it.
Ok off to bed
this failed chicky needs her sleep
STAY STRONG
MUAH
sorry to hear you've had a bad day..
ReplyDeleteugh Mia..
You can restrict, its just hard to break this dam habit. Gotta start small and take it one day at a time.
You can do it,
Take care and hope tomorrow is better for you.
SOAD Rocks!
ReplyDeleteI know right? The school I'm working in right now has a rule. When it hits -38 or lower (celsius) . . . they have indoor recess. There is a long list of conditions that ALL have to apply for the school to be closed.
ReplyDeletedef not tmi, I love that I can relate to you and your sexualness and I feel the same pathetic feeling, ugghh were all just screwed up in the head haha.
ReplyDeleteGood for you, not everyone is the same and everyone looses weight differently. down shame to hear about system of a down though, i love their music. oe oe oe! rammstein is coming here in Feb and i got tickets ;D (random i know lol)
ReplyDeleteAnyway gal, just stay strong, you can achieve this. just remember its one day at a time.
-hugs-