but let's not talk about that, let's not talk about the fact that i couldn't purge the binge and that i took 8 laxitives instead. and my christmas wasn't bad i'll update tomorrow
actually this might be a bit depressing so you've been warned, especially since it's christmas you might want to save this post for a time when not so happy blogs don't pull you down. it might not even depress you who knows...
so i'm watching the bridge to terabithia (loved that book as a kid)and (spoiler alert) when the girl died i started crying because i remembered how in fourth grade shortly after i moved to the states and started school there barely knowing any english, my first best friend(i wish i knew what happened to her after our return to germany) lost her twin brother on march 17th (so much for a lucky day, i don't really get down with st. patrick's day sorry). he drowned. this broke me down because he was probably my second real friend and my first puppy love. he wrote me a note cut in the shape of a heart "will you go out with me" and two check boxes underneath. i still have that note. i cherish it. we became friends because although he was in a different class our reading groups were together and we sat at the same table, needless to say he was my first crush. i can now go months without thinking of him but i mean damn it's been almost 15 years and i'm just not over it. to this day i think that people who i'm close to will just die on me. i always think of the worst case scenario when people are late to meeting me. when they don't call. i try to act cool on the outside "oh it's no problem" but on the inside i'm panicking, car accident? broken neck? shot? are they ok?
i freak out. i hate lonliness i do but i stay lonely, because no matter how close i get to people i'm scared they'll die on me. when my grandparents come down to visit, the entire time they are on the road i imagine a horrible car crash.
people close to me tend to die in my dreams and even if they come back to life it's only long enough to make me believe that their death just seemed like one and then they die again.
maybe one day i'll get over it.
anyway pan's labyrinth is on now and i absolutely adore this movie and find it uplifting so maybe i'll cheer up a bit.
sorry for this post i just got reminded of the past watching a movie
stay strong guys
don't fall for the gluttony like me
MUAH
I literally thought I was the only one in the world that thinks like that when someones late or just going to meet me.. I freak out and think something has happened and for instance will call my mom a million times.. like I imagine the whole scenario and how my life will be without them.
ReplyDeleteThank you for making me feel that I'm not the only one.