well well well

so i might have to postpone the potatoe diet but for a good reason, i have major sore throat which i kinda soothed with some tea right now but i can taste tlhat cold taste in the back of my throat. i hope it's so bad consumption of food will be extremely painful. my besty just had this cold it started the day she returned home and she lost like 3 kg in the past days from extreme sweating and lack of food consumption. she was like i'm 50.something kg right now. i'm like aww it'll come back don't worry. she knows my issues with food but she doesn't know how bad it is for me. in my head i was like (you lucky bitch and you want to gain weight, i wish i was there, i wish i had the luxury to wish for more weight). she doesn't know how triggering such low numbers can be for me, and she won't because i'm loving the motivation.
ok i know this is sick but sometimes when i eat foods i wish for food poisoning. i hope that something went wrong in the production and it's gone bad. i leave things out of the fridge to long on purpose (obviously only food that my mini-me doesn't consume). I know that's pretty sick. if i do have a boiled egg i'll purposely leave it undercooked just a bit in hopes maybe something to make me sick survives. Yeah I know this is totally the most retarded shit ever. But I never claimed to be sane. I know food poisoning isn't a joke, I mean I've never had it but plenty people I know have. truth be told i'm jealous of them. i feel really bad for them and wish i could transfer it to me, but not because i don't want them to suffer but because i want me to suffer.

ok this is sorta non related maybe some fellow parentals or people with the experience can help me out. sometime mini me comes to me and says she's a boy. i know sometimes she's just being silly because she'll say she's a girl but i don't know maybe she does feel like a boy. i don't wish transgenderedness (is that a word?) on my kid because i know people who do have it often have to go through great emotional pains but if that's how she feels i don't want to be like NOOOO YOU'RE A GIRL. i mean right now i'm like i thought you were a girl, this morning she replied no i'm a boy. i don't really know if i should write this off as 3 year old sillyness or what, because if she does feel that way i want her to feel the freedom to be who she is. am i overanalysing this because my parents didn't believe me about my depression when i was like 11 or 12 and wanted help. murrr...life is friggin hard man. i just want to skip through it all carefree. i know everyone has problems but all the peoples on facebook that i went to school with seem so content on the surface with their college degrees, husband/wives, traveling the world, and awesome paying jobs. here i am single mom (from a one-night stand they don't know that of course), living off welfare, shit load of debt, a stint in a mental hospital which my mom blabbed all over facebook and the world...i know it doesn't make me less of a person but does logic really win? if i was all about the logic food wouldn't control 99% of my thoughts, the number on the scale wouldn't be holy, and the toilet wouldn't be my homeboy....urghhh sorry guys i'm a bit frustrated.

well on to continue catching up on blogs, which i'm so late on sorry guys. even if i don't comment i promise i actually do read all your posts even if it takes me forever to catch up. i don't skip shit. i read every word, it's just sometimes my literary akwardness keeps me from posting comments.
after i'm done catching up on you guys i'm going to read at Random Anorexics which I read about on Honor's blog. apparently there's some beef with fatties and i'm bent on finding it. i love drama, that's why i watch reality shows ^_^
Well Stay strong
muah
and i hope to update more once again