man what to do but bow down on my knees with my face flat on the ground

*WARNING RATED NC-17 PARTS FOR SEXUAL AND WHORING CONTENT*
i apologize. and the fact that i'm even writing is already filling me with guilt. on one end i've been wanting to post but on the other end i'm like i haven't even caught up with all your blogs so i don't even deserve to post.
here's the way i'm going about it, i'm going down my subscribed list and alphabetically and starting to read where i last read each blog(i have to do it this way or i go loony one of my little ticks). this is time consuming but it's what i get for not reading. at least it's an enjoyable thing because i love reading your blogs and watching your vlogs. i'm not done yet i'm on your blog Lou which you can just get those skin colored knee-highs out and point the naggy lady finger at me because i deserve it (^_^)
so where do i start. first i should say why i haven't been around. i've been mentally exhausted. i've been doing the runaround meeting people (ok let's keep it real, a friend and my parents) these past two weeks and i know i didn't do much but i'm not used to doing things, before i went into the loony bin i was just at home and then with the move and all i was busy plus i don't know to many people here so it's kinda like woah sensory overload. it's hard leaving a life of hermitness (new word remember that shit) and being around people.
I mean i've been doing ok as far as restricting goes so i can't say to much on that. except yesterday and today but more on that in a bit.
oh warning this could be a rather long post...maybe depends on if i remember everything.
WEIGHT & FOOD
so on my weight i'll post official weight tomorrow but i've been staying in between 70.8 (my lowest ever since i don't know how long middle school?) and 72kg. Yeah i'm ready to get the fuck outta the 70's but i'm going to do it because this summer end of june i plan on being at my UGW or at least no more than 5lbs off so i can be hotness for my birthday (I'll admit now I see it as hotness when I get there it'll more than likely be a different story)
with a small exception i've mostly been eating salad. I also make my own dressing. Some mustard, oil, vinegar, and salt & pepper. It's good low cal and cheap lol.

EXERCISE
not doing so well but i'm walking everywhere i can. and I know Lou gave me an awesome ass pedometer but you think my scatterbrained ass would remember to put it on? no. of course not
DRUGS
I smoke pot only when my friend comes around I think I need to figure out a nickname for her because i'm dealing with her a lot, let's call her hmmm...ok not getting any inspiration dammit. but yeah i'm actually doing good i have thought about buying some but i don't want to act on that urge so i think i'm handling the consumption of it well. Let's call her PF
PARTYING & HOEBAG
so yeah last friday I went out. which i did really well because the first time ever i didn't gain, mainly because i didn't eat anything after returning home or on the way home. usually i get the alcohol munchies and chow the fuck down on something that is never as satisfying as it seems before i put it in my mouth. so i did good there. I had a great time dancing.
Mia-girly invited me out because i have no money so she fronted everything which is awesome but feels weird because usually i'm the one paying for everyone else and it felt kinda good but i do feel somewhat guilty. PF and her current affair were there too. which i was really drunk so i do the bump and grind on my friends which i think is perfectly acceptable among friends. but apparently i kissed her on the neck at some point. so she told me i'm a drunk bisexual ha ha. i like to think i'm just a drunk with hippie tendencies free love and all that. which i don't mind so much being called bisexual but why do we have to label it? same with lesbiens and gays. why label it? because they love someone of the same gender? really are you serious it's love or lust who cares as long as your satisfied with whichever genital you choose right? anyway tangent over now back to the night.
so at some point i started talking to some dude simply because i was kinda feeling 5th weely mia-girly was there with her man and PF with hers. so me and douchebag were talking blah blah sex is great no strings attached. at some point PF left (smart girl saying she was way to drunk, I don't even know when i hit the way to drunk point). Me and mia-girly go off to pee and take shots then we go dance in the house music area and make out on the dance floor (once again perfectly acceptable among friends would have been awkward had her boyfriend been around because he doesn't seem like one of the guys that would be down with his honey making out with anyone else chick or not. Anyway so I don't know to much else that happened but at some point i remember sitting in a cab with the douchebag (probably going to his place for you know what) and a bunch of other people and at some point we stop and everyone is just gone. me having no money on me actually (and mind you i didn't even share the coming part with my bestie) i offered the cabby to have sex with him since i didn't have money. i remember him coming up to my apartment but i don't know if i did anything with him i do remember him suddenly leaving so i don't know if i'm lucky nothing happened but just the fact that i did that wow how low have you sunk dylphe? well then i'm bored still drunk off my ass so i call mia-girly and then she comes over with these two guys. she turns on youtube and shizzle for music is dancing around one guy for her one for me (yeah her and her bf had a fight at the club). i don't mind being wing-woman (i'll explain my attitude towards sex later). well anyway nothing happens with her guy and i tried to have sex with my guy but i wasn't feeling it and he was all small i couldn't get into it, so mia-girly awesome as she is (her guy having left to go to the gas station to get something to drink) kicked my guy out. oh and let's not forget the quick make-out session with her in front of the guys who got upset because they were trying to get laid and we were all into each other ha ha. well then she calls a cab gives me the number for douchebag (in the club the plan was to go to his town one day and party there, drunk people make great plans *eyeroll*) i call him and he has the nerve to say that if i say to him and i quote (translated of course) "I want you to fuck me in the ass, and cum all over my face" then he'd come over. I ended up hanging up because although i may be willing to be a loose woman i have my limits because I choose when to be loose not the guy.  Then I went to sleep (by which time it was like 8 something in the morning). At 10 my parentals call to yell at me about the stuff i forgot to pack for mini-me and by 11:10 I was at their house still kinda drunk but putting up a bad ass sober performance.
The funniest thing about this whole thing is I didn't feel trashy or cheap after all of this. Which brings me to my attitude towards sex. it's just sex. it's unimportant i don't feel like it's a big deal i don't think it's this special thing to be treasured and i don't care if i put out. i don't know if i can put my attitude in words so it makes sense. don't get me wrong i'm not out whoring myself (exception of the cabby thing that was a first i swear). i used to be a really good girl but ever since i broke up with my last boyfriend (6 years ago, yes ladies i've been single way to long, and yeah you guessed right my daughter going on 4 is a result of unprotected sex during a one night stand, i might go over this another time when i'm in the mood to wallow in it). i just stopped caring and i kinda have the mentality of a guy in that aspect, especially with one night stands, i don't want to know your name, background, fave food, etc. and when we're done peace out holmes. in that aspect maybe i should have been born with a penis lol
My look for the night:

POSITIVITY & DRAMA
I've been pretty positive actually i've had my down days and moments where i realized how unnecessary my negativity was and I would just say "WOOOHZZZAAAHHH peace be with you homie sorry you're having a shitty day" in my head to whoever had the ability at that moment to piss me the hell off at the moment.
Day before yesterday PF started yelling at me over eggwhites. yes i was involved in an arguement over eggwhites that's the kinda drama i haven't even dealt with since i was in middle and high school.
here's what happened one evening we're talking on the phone and all of a sudden out of no where she starts yelling about how i'd promised to go to this one particular store (similar to sams club you need membership and i have it curtesy of my parents) and buy egg whites with her and i haven't done it all because on that day i was to lazy to go. and this bitch was yelling at me like seriously out of no where one second we're talking about one thing the next she's yelling about egg whites. and that incident with me saying i wanted to stay at home happened 2 weeks ago. and then she goes on and on and i start yelling back how i think it's ridiculous that she's yelling over some fucking egg whites because as many times as she's let me down and as many things as i've done for her that the one time i'm fucking exhausted and need time for me she's yelling at me. oh yeah i was pissed because i don't do drama i'm going on fucking 25 and i may not be as mature as i should be but i am way to grown for drama over fucking ridiculous shit. yeah that shit tore me up, put me in a bad mood, i mean i'm cool with her again because i realize she had a bad day and took it out on me (i forgive easily shit like that) but it still bugged me so that brings me to
B/P
so yesterday morning i was still bothered by the previous evening and i just knew i had to b/p to feel better. which made me really realize how much of a coping mechanism this has become for me. so i got back from dropping mini-me off and i decide i want to binge and purge. so i start my binge and PF calls to apologize about last night once more (she already did but once again) then she keeps me on the phone and i'm like i must purge in my head but i can't think of anything to get her off the phone and then what happens? my social worker lady came by and guess what i didn't get to purge. and all you mias out ther KNOW that this makes it worse. i then have to go meet another friend and her girlfriend because her girlfriends kid is about to start day care (they just moved in together and her girlfriend moved from another town) and they wanted to put me on the list for people who can pick their kid up so when both of their working schedules don't work out with pick up time i go and pick him up which leads to
MONEY
they want to pay me for this between 50-100 euros a month. which i need desperately. i've been absolutely broke this month my cell phone is cut off which is another reason for not reading blogs because i can't check the blogs while i'm out and about neither can i really tweet what i want. I had to pay for so much stuff these past two months that i can't pay bills and can barely buy food for mini-me and stuff. i made it by borrowing money from my moms. however my friend (one with the kid) gave me money which she's taking off the money they want to pay me so that was good and a big help but this just lead back to continuing the part on
B/P
yesterday i ordered a big pizza, chicken wings, and fries and binged and purged, then i ate some bread and a salad and purged that too. so yesterday i purged 2x. but it made me feel better and i was able to be positive again today.

I honestly believe in this positivity thing i mean yeah i have shitty days and stuff but i can pull myself out of them and try to turn it into positive thought, it's not easy but it gets easier each time. I also don't have to pay my mom the money back in cash but in labor which is good because i don't have money at the moment to pay her back with. but i know friday i'll have money again which is why the money thing isn't dragging me down as i normally would have expected.
Tomorrow i'm helping my mom, possibly meeting PF and doing some housework. A chill day.
Tomorrow will be a good day! I tell myself every morning that it'll be a good day and it helps.
Oh and I'm still catching up sorry but trust i'm always thinking about you guys also i found a light purple bracelet so this is what my right arm looks like all the time (never take them off except the big red one when i shower)

so stay strong guys i truly love you all and miss the interaction next week i'll also be on twitter and when i figure out how to get msn messenger on my phone i'll most def be available out and about as well.
MUAH