The Aftermath....

First of THANK YOU Lola and Emily (yeah avoiding subjects and convos I am good at that too) for your encouraging words, they truly helped. I feel so much more at home on this blog than in real life. People actually understand me and don't judge for the points that I loathe myself for. THANK YOU everyone who's commented and is following and reading.

So the moment you've all been waiting for:

all my anxiety was for absolutely nothing. it went perfect and better than expected. since this conversation was mostly me and fahja I was so scared but he was amazing. i have a new found respect for him (which i lost a long time ago and yesterday i still couldn't really stand to be around him). He told me that I was not a failure, that I have had achievements (listed them, weight loss one of them[for me not enough]), and that he is proud of me for realizing my problems and trying to deal with them.
They are willing to take her for longer periods once we figure out how exactly to go about it, like if I'll sign guardianship over so they can put her in day care and stuff. My mother is taking her Wednesday all day, they'll take her Easter and then for sure weekend after next because I have a class reunion for trade school which I'm dreading because it's going to be a lot of drinking and that's calories and in order for me not to have a vomiting episode, I'll have to eat something really greasy. Ughhh...if anybody else has to eat before they drink any low cal tips? I know my weight will go up so I'm trying to loose as much as possible before then.
I did really well today even though it was treats, treats, treats.
We went to Starbucks to have "the Talk"
I had a Chai Tea Latte with soy milk, and half a piece of marble cake I shared with mini-me. I had to keep up appearances my mom is somewhat suspicious she always tells me "Just take it slow, don't overdo it." But I told them I'm considering becoming Vegan, so I'm leaving animal products out of my diet as much as possible. Yeah I know, skip the whole vegetarian part but I'm already pretty much doing that already since I eat Tofu everyday instead of adding chicken or something. I've become a Tofu freak. I love that stuff plain and cold straight outta the fridge. It's crazy I guess. Also it fills me up so much....mhmmmm. Hey maybe I'll make me a Tofu-something before I go out, but it's not really greasy. Maybe I'll just risk being the drunk fool. Ha ha.

Anyway my day has been AWESOME!!!! I even got a Alice in Wonderland shirt with His Hotness Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter on it. Paid for by my parentals.
I won't beat myself up about the cake because I deserve it.
I know now the hard part starts once they take her. I'm going to have to face myself. Give me strength, whatever Powers may be.

Calorie Intake:
Tea-170
1/2 pc. marble cake- 175
Total: 345 cals

I feel so good!!! I'm going to maybe drink some tea but 2 calories a cup will be fine.

I'd rather die from lung cancer, than be fat