Once again not weight related...

Wow i'm really turning this into my private blog. at first i was super careful not to divulge to much but i don't know, guess i've gotten comfortable...

well today is the big talk with both parentals on my personal issues. it's going to be extremely emotional, i know i will be crying and so will my mom. my fahja will probably throw all my past mistakes in my face.

am i the only one who rehearses what she will say? i'm not even going to lie, well except the pot smoking they know about the past but i'll let them know i'm very tempted. it's close enough. anyway back to the rehearsing, when it's something so extremely deep and i have to open up a side of me that i loathe i go over it in my mind over and over.

i am terrified of this afternoon. explaining my deepest feelings to two people who cannot understand and one of them i have lost any respect for. damn fuck this afternoon. but i know it's part of the process. but if they can help me with mini-me then she wouldn't have to be out of the family. plus she loves her grandpa so much it might be good for her to have a man around her.

hmmm...maybe i can offer to take their pooch for them while they have her. a dog could help get my ass out of the house to exercise...

we shall see. i'll probably blog tonight, well if i have the energy.

apparently i look good but sick.
a friend came to visit and she was like OMG you look so good you've gotten so small look at your waist bla bla (i still feel that i'm way to fat but maybe she sees the difference from the beginning of my journey?). and later after she left and we were on the phone she was like, your skin is so pale it doesn't look good anymore (i'm half black so i do naturally have a bit of color), and the bags under your eyes are HUGE and dark.

well if it comes from the extreme restriction at least right now i can push it off on depression, stress, and insomnia...