so the title says all. This could possibly be a very long blog I got so many things to get off my head I even wrote a short bullet list (yeah so sad I know) so I can just get everything off my chest and stuff. Some of it might be pretty random
Stromae - Alors on Danse is on MTV right now and it'll give me the boost I need because it's just a feel good song for me.
So...
I've been spending my day mostly reading blogs. I don't get much done because once I read all the updates for the once I'm following and I go look at a new blog I tend to read the whole blog and not just the most recent posts. So it's pretty time consuming but I like it because it keeps me from eating and it's just so inspiring to me. Just the strength of everybody to get back up and keep going even if they fall off. I tried following some of the people today and the stupid google was being a butt and kept telling me to try again later. I'll do it later, I've bookmarked them.
One of the people was Pokerface (hope you don't mind that I linked you in) but he had a quiz he mentioned in one of his posts that tells you how much you weigh. It told me 135lbs. Wow that's a long way to go but I don't think it'll be enough...I don't know I can tell I won't just be satisfied at that weight.
Another thing on blogs I really want to comment more, I do it's just that sometimes I don't know exactly how to put my words in a nice compact little comment and it would end up more like a blog post. I'm working on it promise. Also I had gotten 2 comments (woohoo they made me happy in my pants lol) and I didn't even realize until today because I thought I'd get like a notice or something but I guess not....oops, but I wrote back now!!
My food intake today (in that order)
1 cup of Ginger Tee 5 cals (don't know but I'll give 5 cals can't be more than that Darjeeling has 1 but if you know...)
1/4 L Soy/Banana Milk 197.5 cals
1.5 Plates of Rice with Tofu and Veggies 400 cals (guesstimate since I'm not sure)
1 cup of Ginger Tee 5 cals
Total 607.5 so far which is fine if I still drink that SB Milk but I won't force myself. I'll try to drink more water today, because what you see there is all I've had no extra drinks...I know really bad. Which reminds me Heather[Hunger] you can always try to drink more tea because it makes me pee a lot so I usually don't feel like I'm gaining from it.
I might have more SB Milk because I made 1/2L so there's still half in the fridge. But I'm worried I didn't calculate enough for dinner. I'm sure I'm not the only one who worries when they have to guesstimate the calorie amount I might actually over guess but I always think I'm just not calculating enough calories.
When I opened the fridge earlier today to get the Tofu out my fridge was pretty empty with the exception of my soy milk, Tofu and Mini Me's food. I love it. I'm not even tempted by her food. I call it her food because I don't eat it but obviously she still does so most of the food I buy is actually for her. But yeah I loved looking at my empty fridge it was beautiful especially since I know I don't eat out of the house to much since that's just way to freaking expensive.
I even have chocolate for her here (and for me) but I'm not tempted I don't want any of it. I just picture all the disgusting ass additives in junk food that are like a drug making me want to eat and I can not want it. I know it sounds funny coming from someone who loves to smoke but hey at least smoking green doesn't make fat. (unless you succumb to the munchies but that's not really one of my problems).
Well basically it's great that I can avoid junk food but I don't feel like I have enough discipline in my eating. I almost feel like I need to set some drastic guidelines for myself and things especially concerning my calorie intake. I'm just way to la di da with it. Also I really need to start working out but everytime I start I mentally get this thing saying guess what you can eat now because you worked out. I know so retarded but yeah...
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TOPIC SWIIIIIITCH
Lately they've been bringing a lot about plus size models on tv and how the skinny craze is having an end in the fashion world, (especially the whole Beth Ditto being Karl Lagerfelds muse which they've been killing that piece of news since it came out). Sigh...well I do think it's great that the plus sizes are getting representation and what not and I love the confidence that these women have and if truth be told I am truly jealous of it because if I had it I wouldn't be fighting so hard but I've just come to the point where I look at it and I just don't find it attractive. I've gotten my mind so set on weight loss that I'm even critical with people on the street. For example I see people smaller than me (but not skinny) and I'm like oooh how I wish I had that size but I wouldn't even be satisfied.
It's not really ewww look at her it's more like I personally know I couldn't even be happy at that size even if she looks great. Because there are people who are bigger (I'm not talking about sloppy fat now) and they do look wonderful it works for them. But it really does not work for me. I really feel the need to loose weight, for so many different reasons.
1. Fashion. I love fashion and the fashion that I like looks good on skinny people, it's cheaper in smaller sizes, you have more choice in smaller sizes and I could raid my besties closet.
2. My best friend is super skinny and struggling to gain a few pounds (I know she's such a heifer, but I love her to death), when I walk next to her I feel ugly and the funny thing is she could care less about weight, she doesn't even refer to people's weight unless of course it's like oh so and so told me she lost a bunch of weight doing this or that, since she's knows I'm trying to loose...just not how.
3. My Japanese Pop-Culture obsession. I love the clothes, the music, the art, the tv shows, anime, manga, the language etc. etc. I couldn't even wear the clothes now because they don't come in my size...plus size what's that? Oh yeah let's not forget the hot guys oh yeah they are sexy which brings me finally to
4. I'm single, which is not surprising because I'm a fat cow, and honestly I don't feel like I deserve to be with somebody until I feel like they can at least introduce me as their hot girlfriend. I do not want to be that girlfriend where people later are like WTF was that.
Yes yes I know most of these seem to be outside reasons but hell I'm a victim of the media...that's my story and I'm sticking to it!!!!
I think that'll be it for today, maybe not who knows, since I'm back in blogging mood (we'll see how long that holds)
OH OH OH one more questions are there any other parents out there going down a road of extreme weight loss, with "Pro-Ana tendencies" (lack of better terminology)? I'm just curious maybe we can support each other!!! Of course non-parents get my support to.
I WILL REACH MY GOAL
I MUST STAY POSITIVE
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