ups are usually followed by downs (jumbled and not happy)

i apologize for my absence i know you're sick of  hearing my apologies but lately i haven't felt like much of anything yet had to do so much. i even let my quotes blog slide. i won't make any promises because i haven't been able to keep them.
my weight was something around 73 this morning, i didn't even bother to look behind the decimal because anything over 70 is to much. i should be really happy i got my hair cut yesterday and my parents paid, it was my father's idea which surprised me. now he's cracking jokes that i wasted the money because he has clippers at home. i shaved it on the side but on the picture it looks like a bald spot because only the blond part shows and looks like scalp. i'll fix it next week when i have money to buy hair dye again. i dyed my hair on the weekend it's green now. i missed some spots and i can see that now with the hair cut.
i've been so angry lately and i've been yelling at my daughter too much and she usually just stands there and looks at me like she knows i don't mean it. i apologize to her but i feel like a shit mom because no child should have to even come to that realization at age 3 or at any age for that matter. at least i know that i love her, something i wasn't to sure of around this time of year last year but i was pretty fucked up then. once again i had lost my ability to purge but i kept binging like i could and now i still binge and have to force myself to purge i don't feel like it even though i know i'll feel better after. i feel unmotivated in doing pretty much everything in life. at least i'm not suicidal because even the contemplation of death is to much work right now. i'm in a slump that lacks positivity i'm cussing people out in my head all day and WOOOZAAAHH is not working. it sucks ass cheeks. i'm almost done with my apartment. i rearranged my living room. i now have space to do my step aerobics dvd but i still haven't done it. i wanted to do it tonight but i spent my motivation on finding the dvd behind my bed. what the hell is wrong with me. i hate myself, i hate my weight, i try not to eat because truth be told i don't even have the money to be binging right now but i am. i was cheered up a bit after talking to my bestie for a while today but dammit that was a short lived high.
i've done good things this week. things that should make me feel better. i gauged my left ear yesterday only to two millimeters but we all have to start somewhere. i totally forgot to tell you guys last week? whenever i did it that i gauged the right ear. my left was still healing at the time from the last attempt of ear rape. well anyway lets see my accomplishments that should make me happy:
rearranged my living room
gauged my ears
got a hair cut that was needed
dyed my hair
made a considerable dent in my laundry pile (which just means i've got to many clothes to go so long without really washing)
i was there for friends who needed to talk on the phone until late at night/early morning my time (which isn't a bother at all)
cleaned my whole house (almost laundry means it's not done)
i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. oh yeah aunt flow came today maybe that's what it is but i've never had such a low due to hormones.
i started reading the dark tower series today, lou was mentioning it recently and it's been staring at me from my book shelf so i decided to reread it i'll probably like it more now since it's almost like reading a totally new series since i'd read it last in high school and college.

i want to thank all of you guys for your lovely comments i got for my drunken post ha ha so here's answers to the questions:

@Tai: Fasching is carnival, it actually starts on november 11 at 11:11am every year but the parades are always the last sunday and monday before lent starts. the last chance to go crazy and party before people start having to give stuff up for 40 days. this year it'll be big i'm sure since the start will be 11-11-11 at 11:11
@Lola: ich weiss nicht genau wie viel Englisch die Kleine versteht aber ich rede nur Deutsch mit ihr. Mein Vater redet Englisch mit ihr und meine Mutter manchmal auch, ausserdem lernt sie ein paar Sachen im Kindergarten.


and not related to my previous post Lou I'm happy that you like what I sent you that makes me happy (^_^).
oh here's my new hair cut:

and of course the ear rape

well that's all folks i hope to catch up on blogs this weekend because although i love you guys even for that i was lacking motivation
stay strong
MUAH