Blizzle    https://goo.gl/tcZZF3         Loreen

Hi Blizzle

 

 

 

https://goo.gl/eQBeJ4

 

 

 

 

 

Hi blizzle

greetings blizzle

http://raf-group.net/tie.php?century=y12puzcg697mrpv




Loreen Randall
kazygirlnme@yahoo.com

It's scary since "recovery" I have turned kinda into foodie...kitchen utensils make me happy...I fill time with food I'm only good when I'm busy been on vacay ages and the holidays took their toll my significant other who I'll call the manchild got me my wish...a deep fryer...first thing I made was doughnuts...they made it into me and have yet to leave me....on the bright side today I fried some and had no appetite so the glaze is in the fridge and the doughnuts in the freezer but instead of going with lack of appetite my dumbass eats rice with kimchi and then I made thai curry....fucking hell man and now all I see is my gut and I say starve bitch....I can't purge so therapy was good for something but there's an utter feeling of disgust when I think of doing it...but I miss my bones and hate my rolls and I'm either gonna eat or starve I lack the ability of a middle ground.....argh but tomorrow oh yes if no hunger I don't eat I need to take this opportunity. ..I sometimes wish I was preggers but just for the morning sickness....mini me is enough for me so not reallz an option...though the manchild would love it but he'd have to drop that child bc although he is my senior biologically mentally he is my junior by ten....love works in mysterious ways...Anyway food is my enemy and I've started enjoying it and I always refused to turn fat after recovery but here it is I did....I need to break out the scale again and I think avoiding it and fearing it since recovery has caused this...but shes coming out and we will palaver....I like that word....apologies for bad grammar word misuse and misspelling im using my phone
Muah

missing you...

I miss my eating disorder...it was the worst time of my life but it gave me purpose...I can't turn to mia I don't think I'm able to purge anymore...but I do miss ana. I have gotten so fat its fucking ridiculous...I am scared to step on my scale but in all seriousness I'm flirting with the idea I can't seem to cope without her in my life. I've been a good girl so long but I look in the mirror full of disgust. ...Dylphe may be back....

New Blog

THANK YOU LULU!!!!!for the christmas card seriously you saved the holiday season. As I am in recovery I started a new blog same name diff page since its a new type of struggle...as i am scared of being triggered dont know when i will catch up on your blogs but it is just a matter of time...plan on keeping it up this time

Waiting room

So I'm waiting in the waiting room for my first appointment I am so friggin scared what do I say I've seen a shrink but these people deal with EDs all day so how much can I keep for me and how much will they see through me or even believe me or will they think I'm lying I hate my paranoia I hope the doc is cool I really do it would suck if not. Oh here's awesomeness my work colleague gave me his old computer and I have a web stick so internet here I come because I won't stop blogging unless my phone gets cut off ^_^
Sent from BlackBerry® from Vodafone

It's been soooo long

So I open my mail box a few weeks ago and a feeling of happiness and guilt over comes me. What do I find? A christmas card from Lou. THANK YOU.
So why have I been gone? No internet, (got cut off). Then my phone was spazzing out which it's dead now. And to take the cake my laptop went and died too. But I can't completely blame technology some of it was me being way to busy and not getting to it at all with the new job and stuff. Also the retarded thought process of not being able to read your posts to catch up so I shouldn't be posting mine. Well that card gave me the kick in the ass I probably needed. Now to my updates:
I have been wirking at my new job which I absolutely love especially the people I work with...well one thing bothers me I slowly started gaining weight back and getting it off but staying in the stupid range of 67-71kg limit.
I just got back down to around 71 after hittin 75kg (6kg gain over the holidays).
Still binging a lot even more so just not always purging as much which is even worse since those guilt thoughts lead me to suicidal thoughts.I'm just vegetarian now no longer vegan (gave into colleague pressure fuck you cheese).
However next thursday I'm starting my first stab at ED recovery. I got a therapy spot offered about two weeks ago (I only applied for it in may). I don't know how it will go but if I'm lucky I might at least get a tummy tuck out of it (is it sad to milk this fucker for all I can). But seriously that fucked up stomach is what over time warped the image I had of myself pre-pregnancy. At this point I don't know how I feel about recovery anymore but if I can get away from the binging and closer to starving I think I may be happier. I still have a lot of weight to loose but if I'm lucky ill actually recover. I honestly don't know. I'll give it a shot.
In happier news mini-me is my sunshine this little girl can pull me out of a shallow but dark hole sometimes with the things she says that just warm my heart. She's good and her imagination works, she's a different character or person almost everyday, she's been an elf, cat (she likes that one the most and uses that one more often), Mogli (yes from jungle book), oh and the other day she was Carla.

I hope to post more often in the future right now I have my moms old ass blackberry but it's ok. Also just because I might take a stab at recovery (not until next week though ^_^) don't feel like I'm gonna be judgmental I won't everybody has to figure it out for themselves so if I ever get the chance to get caught up on you guys (this bastard won't load blogger and just cuts out I have to do the stupid email thing) ill still read whatever you post!
Love you truly truly missed you sorry for being gone but I will try
MUAH
Sent from BlackBerry® from Vodafone

soo

i tried to post the other day over my cell phone and today i realize it didn't post. no clue as to what i did wrong.

so monday was my first day of work and it was awesome.  ok it was kinda boring being just training right now but i'm making my own money again and that has given me a boost of confidence.

i'm fat just so you guys know and it's not going anywhere. i have of friday monday and tuesday off. i will probably go to my parents house because they just purchased an elliptical trainer. it's only 3 days but i'll make them work.
oh i started a blog non ed related so please no ed comments!!! it's just what i'm wearing everyday and nothing special but those pics are inspiring me to loose some more weight.
b/p has been daily as many times as i can fit it in my now busy day so usually evenings
MUAH

hey guys

yes i know it has been quite a while. i've been more active on twitter but even that has suffered lately. thinks have been going great for me lately, not ed wise but the part we call life. even if mia stalks me throughout. first i want to talk about my absence and why. partly it was because i was busy and the other part was trying to find distance between mia and me. unfortunately that meant a distance from you guys which was hard because i actually felt guilty on that end.
however i've given up on giving up on mia for the moment. i'm just going to let it run its course now. i know bad attitude, everybody hates a quitter right?
well the things that are going great are that on monday i'm starting a full time job in a call center, just taking calls from companies who are having difficulties with their technical appliances and getting them a technician sent out. which means i'm one step closer to getting rid of my financial problems. also no more welfare. (insert happy dance)
also i have a car now. which is awesome because it is such a convenience but i'll be walking less so i'll have to figure something out. i did get my wii dance mat though so maybe i'll just start dancing this ass off quite literally.
my weight is teetering on 70 and 69 kg which sucks because i'd gotten down to like 67 but then i celebrated my birthday and the weekend was filled with booze and food and a loss of control. god i hate loosing control because for some reason it takes me forever to get it back. which i'm hoping i'll get back latest when i work. simply because i won't eat until lunch but i'll be packing my own lunch. i will have to eat it because my friend will be working with me. on the bright side i ordered myself a super cute bento box with chopsticks and a bag. it'll mostly consist of rice and veggies. which should be ok i hope. this week i'm buying myself a water bottle. i'll just put water in there or tea. dinner won't happen because i won't let it.
this saturday i'm going to the christopher street day parade the next town over with my really good friend. it should be fun mini me will be along too. i'm hoping to find my gay husband (^_^).
well ladies that's pretty much all that's happened it isn't much but i've had to do lots of runarounds. tonight i actually will be catching up on blogs and vlogs which i haven't really been doing.
i LOVE you guys
i'm back for realsies this time i mean it (you don't have to believe it i'm going to make my actions back up my words.)

MUAH

this and that and a new cut....

yeah i'm definitly hating mia at the moment. i don't want her but at the same time it feels like she's such a large part of me that i don't know if i really want to give her up. but how sad is it i almost passed out on the way home from picking up mini me from day care today. seriously i've always told myself you won't feel the side effects hard core until you hit a low weight and i guess that made it ok for me to continue. on the other hand stopping isn't really an option right now. i tried to stop myself by filming one of my purges to show how pathetic i look doing it but didn't work. and i know i could just try harder on finding some professional help buuuuut....Procrastinators unite!!! Tomorrow...
i had a shirt that said that i wonder what happened to it. i got my hair cut today. of course it rained. boooooo. but i did take a picture so here goes. (btw i love how camera angles can make you look skinny in the face)

because of the way the flash worked i've decided to dye some of my hair gray...gotta claim that old lady in me lol. but yeah once that's done i'll post it too.
and i got my nails done. red tips with purple stars, yes i know you'd think it's a planned choice of color but although the red tips are the purple stars all from the nail guy. i said black he said ooooh why not purple is nice and me so easily influenced i agreed

i know i've been kinda behind on the updates still but i've been so tired and busy lately it's ridiculous. oh and i sent of my application to that job. now let me just keep my fingers crossed that i actually get it!!!
here's a picture i made while i was on hiatus:

i threaded red string across the mouth kinda hard to tell from the pic. painting is lots of fun i'm working on another project but since the cash is (and has been) extremely low it'll have to be postponed until funding is allocated.
man i need a rich husband...just saying
well not much else is happening over here soo toodles
MUAH

as promised (i know a bit late)

thank you guys for the comments great to know i haven't been forgotten (^_^)

i'm back finally

as of yesterday my house has once again become MY house again. a lot of shit has happened and i don't quite know where to start...
I guess the best place to start is by apologizing to all of my supporters and all the people i follow. i haven't written or read anything these past months. at least i now have something to do.^_^
so basically mia-girly was staying with me and it was bad. i mean we had b/p parties. on the bright side i am now teetering on the edge of 70/69kg. on the sad side i will not reach my goal by my birthday as i had planned. but it's been a stable weight for about a week so i'm taking it as a good sign.
i'm currently in the process of cleaning my house because mia-girly kinda took my i like to clean my house myself tick as an ok for making it a mess. today my return blog will be short because i am exhausted from not keeping any food down today. i haven't forgotten any of you guys. i might make a vlog tonight because typing is exhausting right now.
i love you guys
MUAH

Healthy Fruits and Veggies

my grandparents (health nuts) e-mailed this to me and i felt the need to share with you

(still catching up on blogs btw)


EAT LOTS OF SWEET POTATOES
this is old but a good reminder...

It's been said that God first separated the salt water from the fresh, made dry land, planted a garden, made animals and fish... All before making a human. He made and provided what we'd need before we were born. These are best & more powerful when eaten raw. We're such slow learners...
God left us a great clue as to what foods help what part of our body!
God's Pharmacy! Amazing!
A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye... And YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.
A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopine and are indeed pure heart and blood food.
Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.
A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.

Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.

Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don't have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.

avocados, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this? It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods. Modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them.

Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility.

Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics.

Oranges, Grapefruits, and other Citrus fruits look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.
Onions look like the body's cells. Today's research shows onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. A working companion, Garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals from the body.

DEEZ NUTS

title inspired by tai's comment on my last vlog
oh and the lovely lou gave me an award and i will handle that shizzle nizzle when i have the time i swears!!!!
so roomie is setting things straight with her woman...well fiance they re-engaged. i like to call it the lesbian illness, moving on in the relationship at the speed of light. roomie laughed at me when i told her that. it just seems most lesbians i deal with move from getting to know each other to moving in together to being engaged in a matter of weeks. i think it's just this biological clock in us women that make us feel like we have to settle down ASAP (skipped me though) and i guess when it's two women it's more pressure. however i don't want to pass judgment just because i don't believe in all that thanks to bad role models *cough*parentals*cough* just because i lack a belief in the marital institution, and all that jazz. if it makes them happy.... it's just since i've known roomie (roughly a year) this is her third girlfriend and third engagement broken (well this one seems fixed). idk. her life. i've got her back regardless and it's actually at the moment pretty cool to hang out with them and stuff. anyway the point wasn't on moving to fast in the relationship the point is although she's still officially staying over here she's spending the night over there. it was quite amusing to hear them haggling about how long they were going to have sex tonight.
speaking of sex i went out friday night. i didn't really want to during the day but my friend, mia-girly broke up with her boyfriend and her grandma is in somewhat critical condition and honestly i love helping friends out (no sarcasm, said like riley from the boondocks says no homo). yeah it was quite interesting i didn't get super drunk however some 19 year old kid (yes kid, you'll see why in a sec) somehow became convinced that we were in a relationship. his sexual performance sucked, failure actually damn alcohol. but afterwards when we were back in the club he's all like i love you. i was like "woah buddy don't go saying that shit to fast" i think that hurt his feelings. anyway when i went off with mia-girly to the other room to dance i ended up going upstairs with her and some guys, the guy into me kissed my cheek and the kid swooped in talking about "you got caught". i'm thinking doing what we aren't together holmes. yeah crazy night. anyway ended up giving my number out to some other guy who's been calling me like everyday since sunday. i have got to stop this drunken giving out my number. however as funny as the evening was i realized on saturday that really it's just self-destructive behavior and self-loathing making me act this way. i tend to get trashed, pick ugly guys, have sex with them because i don't do any other self destructive things (purging doesn't count more on that later when i get to how fat my ass has gotten). i don't cut or anything so i fuck up my liver, vagina, and self respect all in one night. isn't that just grand.
i have got to get therapy. seriously. and although i know i need to stop i think the next time i go out it'll be the same thing all over again no matter how much i plan not to before i go. DYLPHE MUST LOATHE HERSELF! but then again i don't even dare try pulling decent guys because i don't feel like i deserve them and then i don't believe i could pull them if i tried because i've always been the fat one and fat one=ugly one, let's just keep it real.
ok now onto the fatness. yesterday i weighed in at 76.6kg and today at 74. something. how disgusting is that shit? VEEERY. who is to blame? none other than yours truly.
i will admit that some of it was just this bit of vanity i've been feeling. roomie is quite the big girl. and by quite the big girl i mean me at my highest weight if not more. so she always brought food and candy and all the shit i can't usuallyallow myself. and of course i didn't purge it. because i was not alone and while i was stuffing my face the thought of "if you eat this you'll be that" never even crossed my mind. i don't even have a right to mention ana or mia at this point because it's been absolute failure on both parts. and i can't just blame it on the food gifts no i binged when i had like two hours for myself, enough for a binge and purge but it ended up  just being a binge.
have i done any exercise? who the fuck are you kidding. none. i'm back in my size 14 though i might be able to squeeze into my twelves but that means i'd have to wash them and i fear the attempt because failure could lead to suicide. ok not really but definitely the thoughts and some sort of self destructive/hurting/harming...fuck it, let's just say pain inducing behavior i haven't tried out yet/recently. i was thinking of just smacking the shit out of myself next time food touched my lips but that's kind of hard to do when somebody is with you when you're eating. and then i forgot to. but it's definitely up for consideration, wouldn't be the first time i smacked myself. (is it sad that i just now did it to make sure i still could smack myself hard? no? good i know you love me ^_^)
i've gotten more supporters. what the fuck i don't even deserve you guys. i love you that's for sure. i love you like a fat kid loves cake...i think that's an incredibly bad line over here but can anyone love anything more than a fat kid loves cake? no i don't think so because this is personal experience talking, and there is nothing wiser than that...unless you keep making the same fucking mistakes over and over and over and over much like myself. join the club.
i'm sorry this isn't the most positive post but really as much as i've been laughing with roomie i'm hating myself inside. i hate myself because i'm a fat dumbass. a fat dumbass that people take as an example (in real life) to get themselves to consider weight loss. WTF bitches i'm fat stop looking at me for inspiration look at the awesome hotness with leg gaps walking around. seriously people. i'm stuffing my fucking face here. it's vile and disgusting. maybe i should film myself eating because i stuff myself like i'm never going to have a go at it again. and everytime i want to eat i'll fucking watch that video.
i also need to do something about the exercise. i was excited  because a friend of mine returned my wii to me but the bastard forgot my ddr mat. you know that shit is exercise without feeling like it.and if i can't get to the gym this is what i need.
uhmmm....let's see what else oh yeah i won't be able to catch up on blogs/vlogs tonight because i'm exhausted i was up last night because mini-me was feverish and so i didn't get much sleep. i'll try tomorrow if roomie stays at her woman's house also during the day since i'm keeping mini-me home tomorrow as well..
so many things to do so little time to do them i swear guys it's weird. i'm feeling weird. full of loathing towards myself but i'm trying to love myself again i just know i can't do that until i get back on track and right now i'm absolutely lost as to how to get back on. i want to order protein shakes but since i want the soy kind i have to order it online which means i have to get my money first. damn day care taking forever to give me my money. "bitch betta have my money" followed by (from how high) "I~~NEEEEED~~~MON-EEEEEEY" yeah i'm a bit crazy at the moment no clue why.
yeah so i need sleep i think that's part of why this post is so fucking crazy right now.
STAY STRONG (stronger than me...not so hard you can do it!!!)
MUAAAAAAH

vlupdate

so

this will be quick i'm currently letting my friend live with me because she broke up with her girlfriend and they were living together so i don't know how much i'll be able to get on and blog. she said she'll be sleeping somewhere else the end of the week so i should be able to blog then. my mood has improved however so no worries i'm getting there. the weight is slooooowly coming off with my b/p / e/p method. stay strong
muah

what i smoked in 1.5 days ughhh such an expensive habit

ups are usually followed by downs (jumbled and not happy)

i apologize for my absence i know you're sick of  hearing my apologies but lately i haven't felt like much of anything yet had to do so much. i even let my quotes blog slide. i won't make any promises because i haven't been able to keep them.
my weight was something around 73 this morning, i didn't even bother to look behind the decimal because anything over 70 is to much. i should be really happy i got my hair cut yesterday and my parents paid, it was my father's idea which surprised me. now he's cracking jokes that i wasted the money because he has clippers at home. i shaved it on the side but on the picture it looks like a bald spot because only the blond part shows and looks like scalp. i'll fix it next week when i have money to buy hair dye again. i dyed my hair on the weekend it's green now. i missed some spots and i can see that now with the hair cut.
i've been so angry lately and i've been yelling at my daughter too much and she usually just stands there and looks at me like she knows i don't mean it. i apologize to her but i feel like a shit mom because no child should have to even come to that realization at age 3 or at any age for that matter. at least i know that i love her, something i wasn't to sure of around this time of year last year but i was pretty fucked up then. once again i had lost my ability to purge but i kept binging like i could and now i still binge and have to force myself to purge i don't feel like it even though i know i'll feel better after. i feel unmotivated in doing pretty much everything in life. at least i'm not suicidal because even the contemplation of death is to much work right now. i'm in a slump that lacks positivity i'm cussing people out in my head all day and WOOOZAAAHH is not working. it sucks ass cheeks. i'm almost done with my apartment. i rearranged my living room. i now have space to do my step aerobics dvd but i still haven't done it. i wanted to do it tonight but i spent my motivation on finding the dvd behind my bed. what the hell is wrong with me. i hate myself, i hate my weight, i try not to eat because truth be told i don't even have the money to be binging right now but i am. i was cheered up a bit after talking to my bestie for a while today but dammit that was a short lived high.
i've done good things this week. things that should make me feel better. i gauged my left ear yesterday only to two millimeters but we all have to start somewhere. i totally forgot to tell you guys last week? whenever i did it that i gauged the right ear. my left was still healing at the time from the last attempt of ear rape. well anyway lets see my accomplishments that should make me happy:
rearranged my living room
gauged my ears
got a hair cut that was needed
dyed my hair
made a considerable dent in my laundry pile (which just means i've got to many clothes to go so long without really washing)
i was there for friends who needed to talk on the phone until late at night/early morning my time (which isn't a bother at all)
cleaned my whole house (almost laundry means it's not done)
i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. oh yeah aunt flow came today maybe that's what it is but i've never had such a low due to hormones.
i started reading the dark tower series today, lou was mentioning it recently and it's been staring at me from my book shelf so i decided to reread it i'll probably like it more now since it's almost like reading a totally new series since i'd read it last in high school and college.

i want to thank all of you guys for your lovely comments i got for my drunken post ha ha so here's answers to the questions:

@Tai: Fasching is carnival, it actually starts on november 11 at 11:11am every year but the parades are always the last sunday and monday before lent starts. the last chance to go crazy and party before people start having to give stuff up for 40 days. this year it'll be big i'm sure since the start will be 11-11-11 at 11:11
@Lola: ich weiss nicht genau wie viel Englisch die Kleine versteht aber ich rede nur Deutsch mit ihr. Mein Vater redet Englisch mit ihr und meine Mutter manchmal auch, ausserdem lernt sie ein paar Sachen im Kindergarten.


and not related to my previous post Lou I'm happy that you like what I sent you that makes me happy (^_^).
oh here's my new hair cut:

and of course the ear rape

well that's all folks i hope to catch up on blogs this weekend because although i love you guys even for that i was lacking motivation
stay strong
MUAH

thunder thighs

ok here we go the full body shot today crooked ears and all
(i'm sober again)