no update really

my phone is close to death and  i'm stuck another night at the parentals if i'm not to tired when i get home tomorrow i'll do a proper update. i did help a friend move today but then i binged at the parentals. i'm fat and disgusting weigh in monday since i won't get home till the evening
doot doot that's my phone telling me it's about to go off
stay strong
MUAH

emo scare over

talked to my bestie then b/p'ed and feel so much better now.
i don't know what happened it just came over me.
but i really do need to get back on my meds and therapy. avoid feeling this way.
i still think life is pointless but the suicidal thoughts have been pushed back.
stay strong
muah

Depression is a fucker that'w got to go

The 180 i did emotionaly at the clinic last year has just turned into a 360. My wish to die has returned and in m head i'm planning suicide notes. I need to get back on meds but that means going back to therapy, finding a doctor is the hard part. I hate this. I could take a seroquel but that fucks with my blood pressure. I don't really see the point in living right now. The world is going to hell, i've done my human duty and procreated, i'm going to be stuck with mia my entire life, even if not in action then always mentaly. I'm so tired. I just want to pop all the pills i have and go to sleep, forever.
I know i'm supposed to be thinking of all the people that care about me and in my own twisted way i am. What good am i. This smile is fake. I fucking hate myself inside and out. Really whats the point what can i dp for these people that care? Not a damn thing.
I just need to hold on to the thought that i can't die fat. Transporting my dead body should be made as easy as possible. And it's time maybei'll change my mind.
Sorry for the emo post
stay strong
muah

murrnurr

so many new supporters so undeserved. thank you for your support I truly appreciate it.
I did dip out for a while and I must apologize for that however i don't know why but fatty mcfatfat has been in control. mia just came back in my life yesterday. i know right, what the hell happened? i don't know. self-sabotage i think.
i'm not getting on the scale until sunday simply because i'm somewhere in the 73's and i can't handle that right now. tomorrow i'm going to help a friend move so i'm hoping to burn some cals. eat as little as possible to as much work as possible is my plan for saturday.
on wednesday it all pretty much went down hill. i met a friend for coffee. well we ended up not drinking coffee but going to eat. and shop i thought the walking would make it ok. it obviously didn't. however after we ate we decided to go to the next town over but she wanted to change her shoes so we smoked a lil sumtin sumtin before we headed over to the next town at her house and it was freakin awesome being high while out and about. however trust smoking is not going to turn into a habit. can't do it. or let me put it this way i'm not going to purchasing it ever again but i'll take a hit if offered. ugh smoking is kinda like me and mia. love it but hate it. this dependency thing is an issue.
anyway in the evening i had a binge and for some reason i didn't purge. i can't explain it. mia just couldn't convince me or maybe she walked out the door i don't know.
you guys know what song comes to mind when i kneel over the toilet and purge?

i guess it's because that really is what my throat hopes for from my fingers...i dunno.
well i have to go and take mini-me to the doc she has a rash. god i hope it's nothing serious. well here's to traveling half way around the world.
stay strong
MUAH

Award for me...WHAAAAT?

The beautiful and to me most inspiring Lou, (who gives me way to much credit and whom I adore and wish I could give this award to) gave me this award.

So this award is for people who inspire you from what I understand. The rules are that you share 10 things about yourself and pass this along to 5 bloggers who inspire you. God I wish I could give this award to everybody.
So instead of writing my 10 facts out I decided to do a video (which took forever to upload which is why it took me so long to post):


I pass this award on to (these blogs are all worth following I'm really bad at writing individual praises so I apologize before hand) in no particular order:
Phantom
An amazing chicky whose blog I love reading and find very interesting
Fading Figure
Always interesting to read like Phantom said before she really is like the little sister
Emily
Although she doesn't post often enough in my eyes (^_^)[she has a life maybe i'm just hating lol] I really enjoy her blog and she's awesomely motivated love it!!
~Nessa~
oh she's so quirky, her posts are awesome and she's making super progress!! always a pleasure to read, especially when she uses words like redonkulous because then it's in my head for the rest of the day
Honor Regzig
love reading her post. she's always trying new snack foods and health bars and gives honest reviews, which it's not a reviews blog don't get it twisted, she's awesome and I love reading her blog 
I wish I could give this to everyone, I love you all!!!
Stay Strong
MUAH

a gain T_T

according to the scale (71.3kg)
i did drink something before going on the scale because this morning when i woke up major dry mouth so yeah.
i haven't eaten anything yet and when i eat it'll be potatoes and bell peppers fried. seasoned with the standard. salt and pepper and whatever else among my seasonings i decide to throw in.
the weather is so beautiful today to bad mini-me is not 100% and tomorrow it's back to daycare. i have so much shit to do. ugh. i need to talk to my mom and see about going to the gym this week. i have got to start working out. dropping weight does me no good if my body looks exactly the same, fat and blubbery and jiggly.
i have 3 new supporters. Thank you so much guys. I do appreciate it. when i have time and energy i will take a stab at your blogs and reading them. there's some other supporters blog i'm in the middle of reading as well just yeah. the only reason it may seem like i'm not is because i don't hit the follow button until i'm through with them. i hate jumping in at the end it's like reading a book starting at some random page and then you're like WTF just happened...yeah something like that. so yeah working on that.
i've been super twitter absent lately i know. i tend to use twitter more when i'm out and about because really what would i write when i'm at home. "sitting on couch" "OMG i just went to the bathroom" yeah i don't know my home life just isn't exciting. so tomorrow i'll be out and about again i might tweet if something comes up. i apologize.
stay strong thinnys
MUAH

murrmurr

so my weight has gone down not my much though
the scale wasn't sure it didn't want to set itself on one particular number it was going up and down so without an update on the side my weight is
156.1lbs-156.5(70.8kg-71kg)
might be time to get new batteries, i know it's def time for a new scale but that'll be my gift to myself when i reach my UGW according to this scale. A brand spanking new super expensive accurate scale, to either maintain or loose any weight this scale left on. right now i can't mentally handle if my scale is off so i'll stay in this potentially delusional world until i reached my UGW
I know it's the laxies right now just emptying out my colon I mean they help with the weight but it doesn't lessen my body size so i can't wait until monday when i'm by myself with mini me at day care so i can walk all fast paced doing what i gotta do!

I left a comment on hanrietta's page today it was just a bit of sarcasm with a grin it bothered me because you can't see my face when i'm typing so i hope it didn't come across the wrong way. i'm here for you girly!!

anyway thinnys once again not much to say
Stay strong
MUAH

still short but small update

@lou the reason i couldn't finish the potatoes was because the food coming back up, i could not fit anything else in. i guess my stomach shrunk more than i expected in those few days that i didn't binge.

i still don't really have much to say guys. tomorrow i have to go to the pharmacy for mini-me to get some cough syrup because poor girl hasn't been able to sleep a whole night through, which means i didn't either.
yeah i'm keeping this short i hope i have more to say tomorrow. i was super happy about my weight drop but i don't really think i'll keep it that way tomorrow. i mean i'll lax tonight and hope it does the trick. the left over potatoes were shared by mini-me and myself and i wish i could've purged it but then mini-me needed some mommy love and she was stuck to my chest like a little monkey which sends out endorphins better than a purge so yeah. i b/p'd some pancakes but i don't think i got all of them out. so laxies it is. i'll try to drink lots of liquids (i almost typed laxies lol) tonight.
oh and you know how you know you're addicted to blogger? you almost sign messages and comments on facebook the way you do on here...yeah almost did that
so stay strong
MUAH

quick weigh in, longer post when i'm fully awake

d
  o
   w
     n
whooooooooooooooooooooooooo
156.7lbs (71.1kg)
yeah it was a long night so after i wake up a bit more i'll post again also thank you for the lovely comments

you shall be my confessional and you shall be mine

just had a big b/p well almost big i couldn't finish the potatoes
following this sentence will be a picture of my binge food which i ordered out for and that got delivered by the cutest guy with the cutest smile. not ordering there again for at least 20lbs!!

yeah so post binge weight was an even 74kg post purge 71.8kg. not to shabby however i now wear a battle wound in my throat. i scratched the fuck outta my throat and we all know that shit bleeds like a drama queen. so yeah red purge yaaay at least it happened at the end when i wasn't convinced enough that i was tasting bile. time to cut my nails again.
yeah i didn't want to purge again but if i hadn't purged this afternoon i wouldn't have just now. you know once i fuck up it's hard to stay good for the rest of the day. hoping for a better tomorrow, tomorrow I'll love you tomorrow yeah i don't know why i suddenly want to break out in song and dance but that purge felt better than it should have i feel hyped which is sad all on its own
stay strong biznatchies
MUAH

oh gawd help me the white devil is in my house

 my downstairs neighbor a 80-something little lady with various ailments just gave mini-me and me apples (good) and white chocolate aka the white devil this is my food crack...white chocolate is pure consumption evil...the whole thing has 540 cals
i'm tossing it out (if i can resist) as soon as mini-me is in bed.

dilemma

just made some really good apple pancakes
ate two, not that bad but now
keep it down=guilt
purge it=guilt
damned if i do damned if i don't
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh why can't i just be normal?
I feel if i keep it down i won't stay at my weight but if i purge i won't stay on track with leaving mia
mia always wins don't you know she says
i think i know which way this goes and i'm sure you do to
sorry to disappoint
be stronger than me
MUAH

EDIT: it became a compromise, I only purged some and popped 2 laxies

OMG

Do you see their legs especially the one with boots? I wish

 

this is what happens when you eat to much fried chicken...just sayin

 

and here's some pictures of Taa from LuLu (the hot jrocker i was talking about last post)

 

Oh yeah I love men in make up (only if they can pull it off). I find this great thinspiration because to get with a guy like that i can't be like this. besides being hot i love his voice. Check it out (if you like rock)






sorry it's filled with lots of fluff don't have much to say. but Phantom i took a multivitamin today however i don't know how good they are because the freshness was only guaranteed until feb 2010. i never opened them just had them sitting in my cabinet all this time safety seal still intact. hmm worst case i get no vitamins.
So far today just 2 coffees w/ milk and juice diluted with water. we'll see what the day brings. no purging in 3 days. i hope i can keep this up. would be awesome. 
stay strong thinnys
MUAH

Oh happy day

159.8lbs(72.5kg) do a happy dance because oh yeah i'm finally under 160 OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAH YEAH YEAH


yes it's finally going doooown
(that up there is my favorite shmexy jrocker taa from lulu he is absolutely gorgeous and super skinny. i'll post some pics later)
and you know what i refuse to sabotage it. yesterday i wanted to binge so bad but i didn't.
i did eat yesterday a wedge of apple and some potatoes. so that isn't to much. today i'm going to try and hydrate as much as i possibly can, to make sure there's no extra water weight. here's some quotes as a filler since I don't have much to tell at least nothing i can think of at the moment:

• “The best way to lose weight is to eat all you want of everything you don't like”
• “The whole idea of motivation is a trap. Forget motivation. Just do it. Exercise, lose weight, test your blood sugar, or whatever. Do it without motivation. And then, guess what? After you start doing the thing, that's when the motivation comes and makes it easy for you to keep on doing it.” ~ John C. Maxwell
• “The best way to lose weight is to close your mouth - something very difficult for a politician. Or watch your food - just watch it, don't eat it.”~ Edward Koch
• “Our limitations and success will be based, most often, on your own expectations for ourselves. What the mind dwells upon, the body acts upon.”~ Denis Waitley
• “Most great people have attained their greatest success just one step beyond their greatest failure.”~ Napoleon Hill
• “Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be”~ George Sheehan

no thanks

to food i say. i absolutely don't want to eat.
mia is whispering in there telling me to stuff my face but the moment i go in the kitchen it's like ugh food.
i opted for coffee since that way my body will think it's getting something. the coffee is with milk and with milk foam so it's not pure coffee.
i do plan on riding this no food wave as long as possible. no food no mia, no mia and physically i'm better.
speaking of mia the other day i was on the phone with the friend who i smoked pot with. and she was like she'd do something if i lost to much weight especially because i'm throwing up. after i explained to her that i only do it to deal with my emotions she was calmed down. ha ha how easy it is to fool people. then she was all like you don't need to loose any more weight bla bla. i was like yes i do my bmi is still overweight. she's all like really? i'm like yeah, you're comparing me to my largest size of course i seem skinny compared to that. plus my upper body shows the weight loss a lot more. then she went on about how she wished she was at my weight and i'm like but you're much taller (she's like 10cm taller) than me. and she's like true true.
god i wish i never would have told her. but whatever i'm over it. what is she going to do tell my parentals? let her can she prove that i suffer from an ed? nope not at all. i've maintained a steady weight (unfortunately) since last summer. so yeah whatever. i don't really have to worry about parental concern until i reach the 50's (kg). besides i'm an adult. there's nothing anybody can do to me. it's not hurting my child. so yeah...
anyway stay strong thinnys
MUAH

Being Sick can be a good thing

Ok so yesterday I was extremely sick. the coughing and stuff wasn't to bad but the biggest problem was all my joints were hurting. wether i was laying down or sitting. it hurt all the time.
on the bright side, yesterday i had one piece of bread, 1.5 cups of soy raspberry shake and water.
Thank god aunt flow officially left the building.
I weighed in at 161.6lbs (73.3kg) this morning. Oh happy day.
I don't have much to talk about this morning I might post again later but I don't know. We shall see.
Stay Strong
MUAH

sorry but short

killer headache i'm sick i got my daughters illness i think. i can't think right i go from hot to cold.
coughing my lungs out my chest burns, e/p'd yesterday to make up for the day before. i can't help it foiled purges will have to be repeated to make it ok. ugh.
just had some potatoes yesterday and 1L of coffee/cappuccino(i have my own milk foamer). purged some pancakes.
well this one is short i'm hurting all over damn illness oh i lost weight i'm at like 74.5kg but until aunt flow takes her ass home no update on the side
stay strong
MUAH
i don't know if i mentioned it but i have another supporter
thank you so much

FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL...sorry Mia

So actually I don't know what my weight is. I know it's horrendous, disgusting, vile, nauseating.
Yesterday everytime i wanted to b/p i only got to the b.
My daughter is sick, so everytime i was about to p she started crying and wouldn't go back to sleep.
poor baby. we went to the emergency room yesterday. my parentals (whom i'm very grateful for doing it for) had to come get us at like 22:30 (10:30pm). I don't have a car, didn't have money for a cab (this month is bad money wise), bus's are not good at that time of night with a sick kid. So yeah went to the emergency room she had, 40.1*C(104.18*F) fever, when she woke up at home. She seems to have a bacterial infection on her tonsils. Last night we got home around 23:45 or so. it was the worst night EVER. She's been sick before but usually she's a sleeper. No yesterday around 3 in the morning she was crying running around her room. I think she was delirious from fever. so I gave her some paracetamol for her fever and got in bed with her. why was she up around 8:00 today. seriously? as little as she slept yesterday. oh well all i know is i didn't get to purge once yesterday. had i gone for e/p yeah i could live with it but i was straight up b/p so not cool. let me face the wrath of the gods and get on my scale real quick while i've got you guys on my mind to give me courage:

167.9lbs (76.2kg) BLARGH (I'm not going to update on the side however because I haven't handled morning business if you know what i mean yet, and i'm on my period, so i'll update on the side again once my period is over)
FML

I have a new SUPPORTER (i really need to remember I don't regard my followers as followers!!! Support system is what you are hence the capitalized writing), thank you for supporting undeserving me hearts.

Stay Strong beautifuls
MUAH

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” - Oscar Wilde

• “Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.” ~ Tom Krause
• “When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.” ~ Confucious
• “Life must go on; I forget just why.”~ Edna St. Vincent Millay
• “You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. Please remember that your difficulties do not define you. They simply strengthen your ability to overcome.” ~ Maya Angelou (how i wish i had this woman's strength)
• “Life may change, but it may fly not; Hope may vanish, but can die not; Truth be veiled, but still it burneth; Love repulsed, - but it returneth.” ~  Percy Bysshe Shelley
• “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” ~ Winston Churchill
• “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~ Maryanne Williamson
• “We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” ~ Maya Angelou
•  

why?

why do i have to be me
why do i have to be fat
why couldn't i have been born into a comfortable life
why me?
why can't i enjoy my life
why do i have to be me?
why do i purge instead of cry?
why do i HAVE to look down a toilet bowl to feel less disgusting?
why do i not feel surprised when i feel crusted up vomit on the side of my face?
why can i not love myself?
why really why?
it can't be all my fault can it?
i want help but i don't
i want to reach my goal before i get help. but i don't want to die before hand. i was thinking about it today, i live alone with just my daughter. if something happened to me what about her. she's only three she can't look out for herself. she shouldn't have to find my dead body somewhere. how long would it take before somebody came looking for me? before my mom panics and drives over to see what the deal is? i don't want that. but the fear is not enough to stop me.
i want to let mia go but i can't. it's like an abusive relationship and i'm the dumb bitch that holds on because somewhere i know mia loves me.
i'm sure i've mentioned it before but if you're reading this and you're only looking to loose some weight and aren't in this trap turn around now, and never come back. be healthy and happy.


i just finished a b/p and as i was staring into the toilet bowl these are the thoughts that came to me. it doesn't help that aunt flow is currently visiting and my emotional state is a wreck. i don't think the fact of what happened yesterday when i called my mom, and then today when she called me and the parentals were getting along just fine was any help.
I HATE MY LIFE
I want to pack my shit and just disappear. hitchhike into nowhere. leave my daughter behind because having a mother like me probably isn't going to do anything but fucking her up mentally.
but i can't i'm to weak. i love her i want her to flourish. i need to hit my goal and get help. i don't want help yet. sounds contradictory i know. i should put her first and i do except when it comes to the e.d. that's when i come first.
ugh why do i feel like i'm returning to where i was a year ago.
i need to see about going back to school. maybe if i had actual things to do i wouldn't have to much time to dwell on food and what my next b/p will be.
let me tell you the other day i went to the chinese place and got two large orders of take out. i made one big mistake though. i got only one mango juice. i think bitchface lady told the other lady hah she's getting this all for herself. i just have a feeling because she asked me if i really just wanted one mango juice. bitch yes. don't judge me. i hate you i hate me. GAWD.
i'm sorry for the depressing post.
oh p.u.s didn't come by today because day one of aunt flows visit is always horrendous.
stay strong thinnys
you are all on my mind, although i don't pray i have positive thoughts for all of you
MUAH