a gain T_T

according to the scale (71.3kg)
i did drink something before going on the scale because this morning when i woke up major dry mouth so yeah.
i haven't eaten anything yet and when i eat it'll be potatoes and bell peppers fried. seasoned with the standard. salt and pepper and whatever else among my seasonings i decide to throw in.
the weather is so beautiful today to bad mini-me is not 100% and tomorrow it's back to daycare. i have so much shit to do. ugh. i need to talk to my mom and see about going to the gym this week. i have got to start working out. dropping weight does me no good if my body looks exactly the same, fat and blubbery and jiggly.
i have 3 new supporters. Thank you so much guys. I do appreciate it. when i have time and energy i will take a stab at your blogs and reading them. there's some other supporters blog i'm in the middle of reading as well just yeah. the only reason it may seem like i'm not is because i don't hit the follow button until i'm through with them. i hate jumping in at the end it's like reading a book starting at some random page and then you're like WTF just happened...yeah something like that. so yeah working on that.
i've been super twitter absent lately i know. i tend to use twitter more when i'm out and about because really what would i write when i'm at home. "sitting on couch" "OMG i just went to the bathroom" yeah i don't know my home life just isn't exciting. so tomorrow i'll be out and about again i might tweet if something comes up. i apologize.
stay strong thinnys
MUAH

murrmurr

so my weight has gone down not my much though
the scale wasn't sure it didn't want to set itself on one particular number it was going up and down so without an update on the side my weight is
156.1lbs-156.5(70.8kg-71kg)
might be time to get new batteries, i know it's def time for a new scale but that'll be my gift to myself when i reach my UGW according to this scale. A brand spanking new super expensive accurate scale, to either maintain or loose any weight this scale left on. right now i can't mentally handle if my scale is off so i'll stay in this potentially delusional world until i reached my UGW
I know it's the laxies right now just emptying out my colon I mean they help with the weight but it doesn't lessen my body size so i can't wait until monday when i'm by myself with mini me at day care so i can walk all fast paced doing what i gotta do!

I left a comment on hanrietta's page today it was just a bit of sarcasm with a grin it bothered me because you can't see my face when i'm typing so i hope it didn't come across the wrong way. i'm here for you girly!!

anyway thinnys once again not much to say
Stay strong
MUAH

still short but small update

@lou the reason i couldn't finish the potatoes was because the food coming back up, i could not fit anything else in. i guess my stomach shrunk more than i expected in those few days that i didn't binge.

i still don't really have much to say guys. tomorrow i have to go to the pharmacy for mini-me to get some cough syrup because poor girl hasn't been able to sleep a whole night through, which means i didn't either.
yeah i'm keeping this short i hope i have more to say tomorrow. i was super happy about my weight drop but i don't really think i'll keep it that way tomorrow. i mean i'll lax tonight and hope it does the trick. the left over potatoes were shared by mini-me and myself and i wish i could've purged it but then mini-me needed some mommy love and she was stuck to my chest like a little monkey which sends out endorphins better than a purge so yeah. i b/p'd some pancakes but i don't think i got all of them out. so laxies it is. i'll try to drink lots of liquids (i almost typed laxies lol) tonight.
oh and you know how you know you're addicted to blogger? you almost sign messages and comments on facebook the way you do on here...yeah almost did that
so stay strong
MUAH

quick weigh in, longer post when i'm fully awake

d
  o
   w
     n
whooooooooooooooooooooooooo
156.7lbs (71.1kg)
yeah it was a long night so after i wake up a bit more i'll post again also thank you for the lovely comments

you shall be my confessional and you shall be mine

just had a big b/p well almost big i couldn't finish the potatoes
following this sentence will be a picture of my binge food which i ordered out for and that got delivered by the cutest guy with the cutest smile. not ordering there again for at least 20lbs!!

yeah so post binge weight was an even 74kg post purge 71.8kg. not to shabby however i now wear a battle wound in my throat. i scratched the fuck outta my throat and we all know that shit bleeds like a drama queen. so yeah red purge yaaay at least it happened at the end when i wasn't convinced enough that i was tasting bile. time to cut my nails again.
yeah i didn't want to purge again but if i hadn't purged this afternoon i wouldn't have just now. you know once i fuck up it's hard to stay good for the rest of the day. hoping for a better tomorrow, tomorrow I'll love you tomorrow yeah i don't know why i suddenly want to break out in song and dance but that purge felt better than it should have i feel hyped which is sad all on its own
stay strong biznatchies
MUAH

oh gawd help me the white devil is in my house

 my downstairs neighbor a 80-something little lady with various ailments just gave mini-me and me apples (good) and white chocolate aka the white devil this is my food crack...white chocolate is pure consumption evil...the whole thing has 540 cals
i'm tossing it out (if i can resist) as soon as mini-me is in bed.

dilemma

just made some really good apple pancakes
ate two, not that bad but now
keep it down=guilt
purge it=guilt
damned if i do damned if i don't
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh why can't i just be normal?
I feel if i keep it down i won't stay at my weight but if i purge i won't stay on track with leaving mia
mia always wins don't you know she says
i think i know which way this goes and i'm sure you do to
sorry to disappoint
be stronger than me
MUAH

EDIT: it became a compromise, I only purged some and popped 2 laxies

OMG

Do you see their legs especially the one with boots? I wish

 

this is what happens when you eat to much fried chicken...just sayin

 

and here's some pictures of Taa from LuLu (the hot jrocker i was talking about last post)

 

Oh yeah I love men in make up (only if they can pull it off). I find this great thinspiration because to get with a guy like that i can't be like this. besides being hot i love his voice. Check it out (if you like rock)






sorry it's filled with lots of fluff don't have much to say. but Phantom i took a multivitamin today however i don't know how good they are because the freshness was only guaranteed until feb 2010. i never opened them just had them sitting in my cabinet all this time safety seal still intact. hmm worst case i get no vitamins.
So far today just 2 coffees w/ milk and juice diluted with water. we'll see what the day brings. no purging in 3 days. i hope i can keep this up. would be awesome. 
stay strong thinnys
MUAH

Oh happy day

159.8lbs(72.5kg) do a happy dance because oh yeah i'm finally under 160 OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAH YEAH YEAH


yes it's finally going doooown
(that up there is my favorite shmexy jrocker taa from lulu he is absolutely gorgeous and super skinny. i'll post some pics later)
and you know what i refuse to sabotage it. yesterday i wanted to binge so bad but i didn't.
i did eat yesterday a wedge of apple and some potatoes. so that isn't to much. today i'm going to try and hydrate as much as i possibly can, to make sure there's no extra water weight. here's some quotes as a filler since I don't have much to tell at least nothing i can think of at the moment:

• “The best way to lose weight is to eat all you want of everything you don't like”
• “The whole idea of motivation is a trap. Forget motivation. Just do it. Exercise, lose weight, test your blood sugar, or whatever. Do it without motivation. And then, guess what? After you start doing the thing, that's when the motivation comes and makes it easy for you to keep on doing it.” ~ John C. Maxwell
• “The best way to lose weight is to close your mouth - something very difficult for a politician. Or watch your food - just watch it, don't eat it.”~ Edward Koch
• “Our limitations and success will be based, most often, on your own expectations for ourselves. What the mind dwells upon, the body acts upon.”~ Denis Waitley
• “Most great people have attained their greatest success just one step beyond their greatest failure.”~ Napoleon Hill
• “Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be”~ George Sheehan

no thanks

to food i say. i absolutely don't want to eat.
mia is whispering in there telling me to stuff my face but the moment i go in the kitchen it's like ugh food.
i opted for coffee since that way my body will think it's getting something. the coffee is with milk and with milk foam so it's not pure coffee.
i do plan on riding this no food wave as long as possible. no food no mia, no mia and physically i'm better.
speaking of mia the other day i was on the phone with the friend who i smoked pot with. and she was like she'd do something if i lost to much weight especially because i'm throwing up. after i explained to her that i only do it to deal with my emotions she was calmed down. ha ha how easy it is to fool people. then she was all like you don't need to loose any more weight bla bla. i was like yes i do my bmi is still overweight. she's all like really? i'm like yeah, you're comparing me to my largest size of course i seem skinny compared to that. plus my upper body shows the weight loss a lot more. then she went on about how she wished she was at my weight and i'm like but you're much taller (she's like 10cm taller) than me. and she's like true true.
god i wish i never would have told her. but whatever i'm over it. what is she going to do tell my parentals? let her can she prove that i suffer from an ed? nope not at all. i've maintained a steady weight (unfortunately) since last summer. so yeah whatever. i don't really have to worry about parental concern until i reach the 50's (kg). besides i'm an adult. there's nothing anybody can do to me. it's not hurting my child. so yeah...
anyway stay strong thinnys
MUAH

Being Sick can be a good thing

Ok so yesterday I was extremely sick. the coughing and stuff wasn't to bad but the biggest problem was all my joints were hurting. wether i was laying down or sitting. it hurt all the time.
on the bright side, yesterday i had one piece of bread, 1.5 cups of soy raspberry shake and water.
Thank god aunt flow officially left the building.
I weighed in at 161.6lbs (73.3kg) this morning. Oh happy day.
I don't have much to talk about this morning I might post again later but I don't know. We shall see.
Stay Strong
MUAH

sorry but short

killer headache i'm sick i got my daughters illness i think. i can't think right i go from hot to cold.
coughing my lungs out my chest burns, e/p'd yesterday to make up for the day before. i can't help it foiled purges will have to be repeated to make it ok. ugh.
just had some potatoes yesterday and 1L of coffee/cappuccino(i have my own milk foamer). purged some pancakes.
well this one is short i'm hurting all over damn illness oh i lost weight i'm at like 74.5kg but until aunt flow takes her ass home no update on the side
stay strong
MUAH
i don't know if i mentioned it but i have another supporter
thank you so much

FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL...sorry Mia

So actually I don't know what my weight is. I know it's horrendous, disgusting, vile, nauseating.
Yesterday everytime i wanted to b/p i only got to the b.
My daughter is sick, so everytime i was about to p she started crying and wouldn't go back to sleep.
poor baby. we went to the emergency room yesterday. my parentals (whom i'm very grateful for doing it for) had to come get us at like 22:30 (10:30pm). I don't have a car, didn't have money for a cab (this month is bad money wise), bus's are not good at that time of night with a sick kid. So yeah went to the emergency room she had, 40.1*C(104.18*F) fever, when she woke up at home. She seems to have a bacterial infection on her tonsils. Last night we got home around 23:45 or so. it was the worst night EVER. She's been sick before but usually she's a sleeper. No yesterday around 3 in the morning she was crying running around her room. I think she was delirious from fever. so I gave her some paracetamol for her fever and got in bed with her. why was she up around 8:00 today. seriously? as little as she slept yesterday. oh well all i know is i didn't get to purge once yesterday. had i gone for e/p yeah i could live with it but i was straight up b/p so not cool. let me face the wrath of the gods and get on my scale real quick while i've got you guys on my mind to give me courage:

167.9lbs (76.2kg) BLARGH (I'm not going to update on the side however because I haven't handled morning business if you know what i mean yet, and i'm on my period, so i'll update on the side again once my period is over)
FML

I have a new SUPPORTER (i really need to remember I don't regard my followers as followers!!! Support system is what you are hence the capitalized writing), thank you for supporting undeserving me hearts.

Stay Strong beautifuls
MUAH

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” - Oscar Wilde

• “Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.” ~ Tom Krause
• “When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.” ~ Confucious
• “Life must go on; I forget just why.”~ Edna St. Vincent Millay
• “You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. Please remember that your difficulties do not define you. They simply strengthen your ability to overcome.” ~ Maya Angelou (how i wish i had this woman's strength)
• “Life may change, but it may fly not; Hope may vanish, but can die not; Truth be veiled, but still it burneth; Love repulsed, - but it returneth.” ~  Percy Bysshe Shelley
• “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” ~ Winston Churchill
• “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~ Maryanne Williamson
• “We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” ~ Maya Angelou
•  

why?

why do i have to be me
why do i have to be fat
why couldn't i have been born into a comfortable life
why me?
why can't i enjoy my life
why do i have to be me?
why do i purge instead of cry?
why do i HAVE to look down a toilet bowl to feel less disgusting?
why do i not feel surprised when i feel crusted up vomit on the side of my face?
why can i not love myself?
why really why?
it can't be all my fault can it?
i want help but i don't
i want to reach my goal before i get help. but i don't want to die before hand. i was thinking about it today, i live alone with just my daughter. if something happened to me what about her. she's only three she can't look out for herself. she shouldn't have to find my dead body somewhere. how long would it take before somebody came looking for me? before my mom panics and drives over to see what the deal is? i don't want that. but the fear is not enough to stop me.
i want to let mia go but i can't. it's like an abusive relationship and i'm the dumb bitch that holds on because somewhere i know mia loves me.
i'm sure i've mentioned it before but if you're reading this and you're only looking to loose some weight and aren't in this trap turn around now, and never come back. be healthy and happy.


i just finished a b/p and as i was staring into the toilet bowl these are the thoughts that came to me. it doesn't help that aunt flow is currently visiting and my emotional state is a wreck. i don't think the fact of what happened yesterday when i called my mom, and then today when she called me and the parentals were getting along just fine was any help.
I HATE MY LIFE
I want to pack my shit and just disappear. hitchhike into nowhere. leave my daughter behind because having a mother like me probably isn't going to do anything but fucking her up mentally.
but i can't i'm to weak. i love her i want her to flourish. i need to hit my goal and get help. i don't want help yet. sounds contradictory i know. i should put her first and i do except when it comes to the e.d. that's when i come first.
ugh why do i feel like i'm returning to where i was a year ago.
i need to see about going back to school. maybe if i had actual things to do i wouldn't have to much time to dwell on food and what my next b/p will be.
let me tell you the other day i went to the chinese place and got two large orders of take out. i made one big mistake though. i got only one mango juice. i think bitchface lady told the other lady hah she's getting this all for herself. i just have a feeling because she asked me if i really just wanted one mango juice. bitch yes. don't judge me. i hate you i hate me. GAWD.
i'm sorry for the depressing post.
oh p.u.s didn't come by today because day one of aunt flows visit is always horrendous.
stay strong thinnys
you are all on my mind, although i don't pray i have positive thoughts for all of you
MUAH

things i forgot to mention

yeah i got off the bus good quit blogging beforehand ^_^
i reread my blog and realized it sounded like the coffee thing was today it's tomorrow though considering the ish that went down...yeah it looks like just my mom is coming
thank you for all your comments
and most important of all i have a new follower I <3 you thanks for following me
stay strong guys
MUAH
(laxies are kicking in)

why do i want a relationship?

i mean really just talked to my mom (who's drunk by the way) and my fahja is at it again. still in contact with the fat heifer with who he cheated on her with before. so really what's the dealio? why am i dying to have that guy by my side. i mean from what i grew up with as far as my mother and her relationships it's nothing but shit. ugh.
her friend is telling her to wait for as long as possible for divorce so that she gets more money. i wish i could drop kick that friend i mean she's been married to this man almost 14 years. how long is she supposed to wait? until she's dead? really now.
of course her weight is bothering her. so yeah i had originally called to get her to take me to the gym (it'd be free), so now it's like well we really need to go woman. you want to loose weight i want to loose weight let's do it together. besides that i now have to keep her from starting to smoke again. i mean she quit like 12 years ago i think. but now that she's drunk she wants to smoke. i told her smoking makes fat. she beat it once and i don't want her to start again. i hope once she's sober again she'll changer her mind.
i also want her to stop drinking when she has problems. 
i personally think she should just divorce him and not wait much longer but i've added my 2 cents a long while ago so no more from me. plus it's not like she ever pulls through with it anyway.
murr on to happy news mini  me finally lets me put pigtails in her hair

Urgh

So got fat again binged last night got that out then wanted to e/p downed the food was about to purge when mini-me woke up because she pooped herself after that i got a phone call needless to say i kept th 2 bowls of rice in me. Ugh. So i'm on the bus right now but this morning my weight was 75.1kg. Sorry but i can't do the conversion to lbs right now if remember when i get home i'll post it. I'm so tired. The ED insomnia is coming back, i guess that super nap the other day was my last blissful bit of sleep for a while. How long will it be until i'm up 24+ hours again. I'm gonna lax when i get home i like pooping at night it's the most peaceful.
I have a b/p planned when i get home just trying to figure out where zo buy the shiznit in the most efficient manner. No stopping it today my parentals are coming over for coffee and cake and i'm so fucking anxious it's retarded. God i need to find a new shrink so i can get my meds. I need that who gives a fuck attitude back. I'm so murr.
I've noticed i'm getting more and more into skinny dudes. I woudn't dare date one now that would just be embarrasing but i'm saying i used to be all about guy that were chunky but now i'm more into skinny. All depends of course character makes up for a lot because i don't care how hot you are if you're an asshole ypu'll be ugly to me fast. Maybe i'm weird but if i don't like you, you are ugly. I always say i don't associate with ugly people, i don't care about societies standards and some people may homies are ugly but just saying. WOW i just got random as hell. Sorry i'm sitting on the bus with not much else to do so i'll end this now gotta start paying attention to where i am.
Stay strong you beautiful people
less than three times three
MUAH

the world is coming to an end

i mean it just seems like that with all the crazy shit happening in the past few months and now with dead birds falling from the sky in sweden as well hmmm...
first thought?
I will not die FAT i refuse to. so yeah the end of the world using that as my thinspiration, even if it isn't but i'm just saying i'll take what i can to make me skinny lmao

la la laaaaa

so another drop in weight 164.6lbs(74.7kg) so it's going down...it better. i've had two bowls of rice today so far (anything else is either e/p or b/p), or rather plates. they weren't huge helpings so i think it's ok.

so last night i had a little mini binge. referred to as that because i didn't eat as much as a binge, but i did eat more than a normal person would it's just i stopped before i felt filled to the brim. it's actually pretty disgusting if you think about it. my stomach will stretch that fucking far and can still handle more.
so i bought these Mochi yesterday and i'm wondering why the fuck are asians skinny. if i went to japan and had access to taro flavor mochi all the time i'd be as big as a house(take that back i am, i'd be as big as a mansion). OMG those fuckers were good. so good while my kid was eating dinner in the living room i was finishing off the box being so selfish i didn't want to share with my kid. how fucking....selfish. i'm sorry mini-me but your mom is a fatty mcfatfat that won't share food with you. i need to work on that. i really do.
i also found these vegetarian snacks made of tofu that taste just like chicken. i love asians. i think they were from china but i'm not sure. i mean it really tasted like actual chicken. now i've never been a big fan of chicken but just the fact that it tasted like chicken when it wasn't made it awesome. i killed and purged the bag. on a side note i did smell it and it kinda smells like dog food. but who cares. i need to stay away from the asia market or really just take enough money to buy the absolute necessities. and stay away from their snacks. i mean just evil. i was also thinking of buying kimchi yesterday but i forgot when i saw the mochi. bad dylphe bad.
i killed and purged a lot of things last night.
oh i was so tired when i  got home. i did the run around but at least lots of walking. i walked the 1.1mile to my daughters day care yesterday in 12 mins. shit that was my time in high school P.E. class back in the day for the mile run. so considering i walked that shit i did pretty well.
tonight i slept wrong because my neck is fucking killing me.
oh well love you guys
stay strong
MUAH