yeah i got off the bus good quit blogging beforehand ^_^
i reread my blog and realized it sounded like the coffee thing was today it's tomorrow though considering the ish that went down...yeah it looks like just my mom is coming
thank you for all your comments
and most important of all i have a new follower I <3 you thanks for following me
stay strong guys
MUAH
(laxies are kicking in)
Friday, January 7, 2011
why do i want a relationship?
i mean really just talked to my mom (who's drunk by the way) and my fahja is at it again. still in contact with the fat heifer with who he cheated on her with before. so really what's the dealio? why am i dying to have that guy by my side. i mean from what i grew up with as far as my mother and her relationships it's nothing but shit. ugh.
her friend is telling her to wait for as long as possible for divorce so that she gets more money. i wish i could drop kick that friend i mean she's been married to this man almost 14 years. how long is she supposed to wait? until she's dead? really now.
of course her weight is bothering her. so yeah i had originally called to get her to take me to the gym (it'd be free), so now it's like well we really need to go woman. you want to loose weight i want to loose weight let's do it together. besides that i now have to keep her from starting to smoke again. i mean she quit like 12 years ago i think. but now that she's drunk she wants to smoke. i told her smoking makes fat. she beat it once and i don't want her to start again. i hope once she's sober again she'll changer her mind.
i also want her to stop drinking when she has problems.
i personally think she should just divorce him and not wait much longer but i've added my 2 cents a long while ago so no more from me. plus it's not like she ever pulls through with it anyway.
murr on to happy news mini me finally lets me put pigtails in her hair
her friend is telling her to wait for as long as possible for divorce so that she gets more money. i wish i could drop kick that friend i mean she's been married to this man almost 14 years. how long is she supposed to wait? until she's dead? really now.
of course her weight is bothering her. so yeah i had originally called to get her to take me to the gym (it'd be free), so now it's like well we really need to go woman. you want to loose weight i want to loose weight let's do it together. besides that i now have to keep her from starting to smoke again. i mean she quit like 12 years ago i think. but now that she's drunk she wants to smoke. i told her smoking makes fat. she beat it once and i don't want her to start again. i hope once she's sober again she'll changer her mind.
i also want her to stop drinking when she has problems.
i personally think she should just divorce him and not wait much longer but i've added my 2 cents a long while ago so no more from me. plus it's not like she ever pulls through with it anyway.
murr on to happy news mini me finally lets me put pigtails in her hair
Urgh
So got fat again binged last night got that out then wanted to e/p downed the food was about to purge when mini-me woke up because she pooped herself after that i got a phone call needless to say i kept th 2 bowls of rice in me. Ugh. So i'm on the bus right now but this morning my weight was 75.1kg. Sorry but i can't do the conversion to lbs right now if remember when i get home i'll post it. I'm so tired. The ED insomnia is coming back, i guess that super nap the other day was my last blissful bit of sleep for a while. How long will it be until i'm up 24+ hours again. I'm gonna lax when i get home i like pooping at night it's the most peaceful.
I have a b/p planned when i get home just trying to figure out where zo buy the shiznit in the most efficient manner. No stopping it today my parentals are coming over for coffee and cake and i'm so fucking anxious it's retarded. God i need to find a new shrink so i can get my meds. I need that who gives a fuck attitude back. I'm so murr.
I've noticed i'm getting more and more into skinny dudes. I woudn't dare date one now that would just be embarrasing but i'm saying i used to be all about guy that were chunky but now i'm more into skinny. All depends of course character makes up for a lot because i don't care how hot you are if you're an asshole ypu'll be ugly to me fast. Maybe i'm weird but if i don't like you, you are ugly. I always say i don't associate with ugly people, i don't care about societies standards and some people may homies are ugly but just saying. WOW i just got random as hell. Sorry i'm sitting on the bus with not much else to do so i'll end this now gotta start paying attention to where i am.
Stay strong you beautiful people
less than three times three
MUAH
I have a b/p planned when i get home just trying to figure out where zo buy the shiznit in the most efficient manner. No stopping it today my parentals are coming over for coffee and cake and i'm so fucking anxious it's retarded. God i need to find a new shrink so i can get my meds. I need that who gives a fuck attitude back. I'm so murr.
I've noticed i'm getting more and more into skinny dudes. I woudn't dare date one now that would just be embarrasing but i'm saying i used to be all about guy that were chunky but now i'm more into skinny. All depends of course character makes up for a lot because i don't care how hot you are if you're an asshole ypu'll be ugly to me fast. Maybe i'm weird but if i don't like you, you are ugly. I always say i don't associate with ugly people, i don't care about societies standards and some people may homies are ugly but just saying. WOW i just got random as hell. Sorry i'm sitting on the bus with not much else to do so i'll end this now gotta start paying attention to where i am.
Stay strong you beautiful people
less than three times three
MUAH
Thursday, January 6, 2011
the world is coming to an end
i mean it just seems like that with all the crazy shit happening in the past few months and now with dead birds falling from the sky in sweden as well hmmm...
first thought?
I will not die FAT i refuse to. so yeah the end of the world using that as my thinspiration, even if it isn't but i'm just saying i'll take what i can to make me skinny lmao
first thought?
I will not die FAT i refuse to. so yeah the end of the world using that as my thinspiration, even if it isn't but i'm just saying i'll take what i can to make me skinny lmao
la la laaaaa
so another drop in weight 164.6lbs(74.7kg) so it's going down...it better. i've had two bowls of rice today so far (anything else is either e/p or b/p), or rather plates. they weren't huge helpings so i think it's ok.
so last night i had a little mini binge. referred to as that because i didn't eat as much as a binge, but i did eat more than a normal person would it's just i stopped before i felt filled to the brim. it's actually pretty disgusting if you think about it. my stomach will stretch that fucking far and can still handle more.
so i bought these Mochi yesterday and i'm wondering why the fuck are asians skinny. if i went to japan and had access to taro flavor mochi all the time i'd be as big as a house(take that back i am, i'd be as big as a mansion). OMG those fuckers were good. so good while my kid was eating dinner in the living room i was finishing off the box being so selfish i didn't want to share with my kid. how fucking....selfish. i'm sorry mini-me but your mom is a fatty mcfatfat that won't share food with you. i need to work on that. i really do.
i also found these vegetarian snacks made of tofu that taste just like chicken. i love asians. i think they were from china but i'm not sure. i mean it really tasted like actual chicken. now i've never been a big fan of chicken but just the fact that it tasted like chicken when it wasn't made it awesome. i killed and purged the bag. on a side note i did smell it and it kinda smells like dog food. but who cares. i need to stay away from the asia market or really just take enough money to buy the absolute necessities. and stay away from their snacks. i mean just evil. i was also thinking of buying kimchi yesterday but i forgot when i saw the mochi. bad dylphe bad.
i killed and purged a lot of things last night.
oh i was so tired when i got home. i did the run around but at least lots of walking. i walked the 1.1mile to my daughters day care yesterday in 12 mins. shit that was my time in high school P.E. class back in the day for the mile run. so considering i walked that shit i did pretty well.
tonight i slept wrong because my neck is fucking killing me.
oh well love you guys
stay strong
MUAH
so last night i had a little mini binge. referred to as that because i didn't eat as much as a binge, but i did eat more than a normal person would it's just i stopped before i felt filled to the brim. it's actually pretty disgusting if you think about it. my stomach will stretch that fucking far and can still handle more.
so i bought these Mochi yesterday and i'm wondering why the fuck are asians skinny. if i went to japan and had access to taro flavor mochi all the time i'd be as big as a house(take that back i am, i'd be as big as a mansion). OMG those fuckers were good. so good while my kid was eating dinner in the living room i was finishing off the box being so selfish i didn't want to share with my kid. how fucking....selfish. i'm sorry mini-me but your mom is a fatty mcfatfat that won't share food with you. i need to work on that. i really do.
i also found these vegetarian snacks made of tofu that taste just like chicken. i love asians. i think they were from china but i'm not sure. i mean it really tasted like actual chicken. now i've never been a big fan of chicken but just the fact that it tasted like chicken when it wasn't made it awesome. i killed and purged the bag. on a side note i did smell it and it kinda smells like dog food. but who cares. i need to stay away from the asia market or really just take enough money to buy the absolute necessities. and stay away from their snacks. i mean just evil. i was also thinking of buying kimchi yesterday but i forgot when i saw the mochi. bad dylphe bad.
i killed and purged a lot of things last night.
oh i was so tired when i got home. i did the run around but at least lots of walking. i walked the 1.1mile to my daughters day care yesterday in 12 mins. shit that was my time in high school P.E. class back in the day for the mile run. so considering i walked that shit i did pretty well.
tonight i slept wrong because my neck is fucking killing me.
oh well love you guys
stay strong
MUAH
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
as sad as it is that it makes me happy but
e/p works for me.
todays weight 165.3lbs(75kg) yes 800gr. gone since yesterday. so it looks like same thing today and the next day and the next day until my gag reflex stops working again. i mean i'm not like yay i get to purge i'm not trying to make it seem awesome but it works for me. and if i really cared about the healthy way i never would have started. just saying...
so here's what i forgot to share with you guys yesterday, i took a nap. it was a nap that was awesome and way to short. i haven't slept like that in i don't know how long. when i woke up i had drool on my face. ok it's not attractive and the closest thing to drool i've had the past few months on my face was vomit after purging. but you guys know it's good sleep when you drool. and i drooled. and as i was going to sleep my stomach was gurgling in the i'm hungry and need food but you don't feel hungry way. does that make sense? yeah so my nap yesterday was freaking awesome. just sucks that i've been tired and cold. i mean i know why. had the heaters on as high as possible and yeah...still freezing my arse off but that's the side effect from e/p that i love and hate. love it because it means it's working hating it because it suck and i hate being cold. i've always been a person to be cold so i should be used to it but it's time for summer.
today i finally got my monthly bus pass. i had to get a picture for it. it's a picture i took in one of those machines. here's a pic of the pic taken with my cam it's kind of blurry so i'll probably scan it in later at my mom's shop.
if this is how people see me it's kind of scary. i have monster lips. anyone want to trade? speaking of trading body parts when i was at my besties all the skinny chickys were complaining about how small their boobs and butts were and i'm like you can have the boobs, you can have the ass and thighs...to bad nobody wants gut.
i wouldn't mind having an a cup seriously. i don't like my boobs. i mean they hang like two empty sacks anyway. might as well be small sacks. breast feeding does not do the boobies good.
i gotta go my social worker is coming in 45 mins and i still want to straighten up.
so stay strong thinnys
MUAH
todays weight 165.3lbs(75kg) yes 800gr. gone since yesterday. so it looks like same thing today and the next day and the next day until my gag reflex stops working again. i mean i'm not like yay i get to purge i'm not trying to make it seem awesome but it works for me. and if i really cared about the healthy way i never would have started. just saying...
so here's what i forgot to share with you guys yesterday, i took a nap. it was a nap that was awesome and way to short. i haven't slept like that in i don't know how long. when i woke up i had drool on my face. ok it's not attractive and the closest thing to drool i've had the past few months on my face was vomit after purging. but you guys know it's good sleep when you drool. and i drooled. and as i was going to sleep my stomach was gurgling in the i'm hungry and need food but you don't feel hungry way. does that make sense? yeah so my nap yesterday was freaking awesome. just sucks that i've been tired and cold. i mean i know why. had the heaters on as high as possible and yeah...still freezing my arse off but that's the side effect from e/p that i love and hate. love it because it means it's working hating it because it suck and i hate being cold. i've always been a person to be cold so i should be used to it but it's time for summer.
today i finally got my monthly bus pass. i had to get a picture for it. it's a picture i took in one of those machines. here's a pic of the pic taken with my cam it's kind of blurry so i'll probably scan it in later at my mom's shop.
if this is how people see me it's kind of scary. i have monster lips. anyone want to trade? speaking of trading body parts when i was at my besties all the skinny chickys were complaining about how small their boobs and butts were and i'm like you can have the boobs, you can have the ass and thighs...to bad nobody wants gut.
i wouldn't mind having an a cup seriously. i don't like my boobs. i mean they hang like two empty sacks anyway. might as well be small sacks. breast feeding does not do the boobies good.
i gotta go my social worker is coming in 45 mins and i still want to straighten up.
so stay strong thinnys
MUAH
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
sooo
well been eating and purging let's just call it e/p because it's not really binging. a binge really is to me when i eat until it's almost creeping back up and i continue to eat. i mean i can call them mini binges which some are but it's been mostly it's just me eating what some would call normal and then i purge it. so i've been e/p ing since i've started trying to get back on track this year.
this one's short because don't really have to much to say but yeah
stay strong
MUAH
this one's short because don't really have to much to say but yeah
stay strong
MUAH
Bored at the busstop after picking up mini me
The time has come the walrus said
to loose all this weight
i really wanted to eat you guys
but i think i'll starve instead
to loose all this weight
i really wanted to eat you guys
but i think i'll starve instead
gomen ne
yeah i haven't been updating like i should have. i've been lazy. i can't even give a decent excuse except being kinda tired and lazy.
yesterday i bought me some warm winter boots at this store called forever18. they were only 15eur. so if anybody living in germany needs super warm, water proof boots for cheap these are it. they kinda look like uggs. i'm actually at home right now and i'm wearing them like house shoes. soooo comfy.
yesterday my weight was 169.3lbs(76.8kg). i ate a lot but i also purged a lot. the only thing i didn't purge was a bowl of rice with soy sauce. i ended up being on the phone with my besty and so i couldn't go purge. i called her so i wouldn't. i mean really am i going to beat myself over a bowl of rice? actually yes i am. it's weird but i didn't want to purge it...well my logical mind self didn't want to purge it, my mia bitch did but i called my besty told her why i was calling and she was like good that you called.
my weight this morning was 167.1lbs(75.8kg).[a loss, purging works when you least want it to with your logical side] today i ate some mochi that i bought yesterday...3 of them actually and they are each like 130cals but i couldn't go purge right then because the guy to read the heater meters came and yeah ughhh. then i had rice today but purged that. so hell at least i'm getting rid of this shit. but you know what thought came to me before i started eating.
Fat people deserve food poisoning.
by fat people i meant me, i'm not a person i'm a people that's how fat i am. and to be honest not only do i deserve for food, the ultimate evil, to poison me but i want it. i wish i would one day just eat something that fucks my insides up. i can't do it on purpose it needs to be on accident but i'm just saying.
oh purging has been weird lately. every time i purge my throat hurts but not the scratchy hurt but the tonsilitis hurt. on top of that my tongue hurts. i have a tongue piercing and right around the whole on the bottom of my tongue it hurts. kinda like a few weeks after i got it pierced and it only hurt when i was playing around crazy with it. it's really strange. i don't know what to make of it. it can't really get infected since i've had it for 6 years...wtf i feel old. sorry i know i'm not old but since i got knocked up so young and didn't get to do all the shit i had planned i feel kinda old. know what i mean.
@ Fading Figure yeah i didn't post to much at the end of last year because i was at my besties and to paranoid for continuous posting unless i was alone in the house and her bf was out grocery shopping or she was working. so i'm sorry. i'm trying to be better about it again even though i was a lazy ass and still kinda am.
stay strong thinnys
MUAH
yesterday i bought me some warm winter boots at this store called forever18. they were only 15eur. so if anybody living in germany needs super warm, water proof boots for cheap these are it. they kinda look like uggs. i'm actually at home right now and i'm wearing them like house shoes. soooo comfy.
yesterday my weight was 169.3lbs(76.8kg). i ate a lot but i also purged a lot. the only thing i didn't purge was a bowl of rice with soy sauce. i ended up being on the phone with my besty and so i couldn't go purge. i called her so i wouldn't. i mean really am i going to beat myself over a bowl of rice? actually yes i am. it's weird but i didn't want to purge it...well my logical mind self didn't want to purge it, my mia bitch did but i called my besty told her why i was calling and she was like good that you called.
my weight this morning was 167.1lbs(75.8kg).[a loss, purging works when you least want it to with your logical side] today i ate some mochi that i bought yesterday...3 of them actually and they are each like 130cals but i couldn't go purge right then because the guy to read the heater meters came and yeah ughhh. then i had rice today but purged that. so hell at least i'm getting rid of this shit. but you know what thought came to me before i started eating.
Fat people deserve food poisoning.
by fat people i meant me, i'm not a person i'm a people that's how fat i am. and to be honest not only do i deserve for food, the ultimate evil, to poison me but i want it. i wish i would one day just eat something that fucks my insides up. i can't do it on purpose it needs to be on accident but i'm just saying.
oh purging has been weird lately. every time i purge my throat hurts but not the scratchy hurt but the tonsilitis hurt. on top of that my tongue hurts. i have a tongue piercing and right around the whole on the bottom of my tongue it hurts. kinda like a few weeks after i got it pierced and it only hurt when i was playing around crazy with it. it's really strange. i don't know what to make of it. it can't really get infected since i've had it for 6 years...wtf i feel old. sorry i know i'm not old but since i got knocked up so young and didn't get to do all the shit i had planned i feel kinda old. know what i mean.
@ Fading Figure yeah i didn't post to much at the end of last year because i was at my besties and to paranoid for continuous posting unless i was alone in the house and her bf was out grocery shopping or she was working. so i'm sorry. i'm trying to be better about it again even though i was a lazy ass and still kinda am.
stay strong thinnys
MUAH
Sunday, January 2, 2011
suggestions
i've found what's eating you online
Episode 1- Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
Episode 2
It get's posted by EDzMyHomie on youtube with a link to the other site since youtube won't let it upload. so yeah i like the show, also just so you guys know it can be VERY triggering I think, I hope this show comes with a warning when they actually show it.
oh and i've set up a facebook you can find me as Dylphe Blagger, i wanted to have blogger but facebook like blocked that name automatically so it's blagger ha ha.
so if you wanna add me feel free. if not still love ya anyway.
like i said before i set up a seperate one because with you guys i wanna be able to be open can't do that with my "friends" on my regular facebook.
and i have a new follower less than three to you. thank you
stay strong
MUAH
Episode 1- Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
Episode 2
It get's posted by EDzMyHomie on youtube with a link to the other site since youtube won't let it upload. so yeah i like the show, also just so you guys know it can be VERY triggering I think, I hope this show comes with a warning when they actually show it.
oh and i've set up a facebook you can find me as Dylphe Blagger, i wanted to have blogger but facebook like blocked that name automatically so it's blagger ha ha.
so if you wanna add me feel free. if not still love ya anyway.
like i said before i set up a seperate one because with you guys i wanna be able to be open can't do that with my "friends" on my regular facebook.
and i have a new follower less than three to you. thank you
stay strong
MUAH
2011 oooh baby baby
so 2011 may have started 2 days ago but tomorrow it starts officially.
i got back home today and i just caught up with your blogs. still have some blogs i'm reading so i haven't started following yet but i'm getting there, slowly but surely.
i've been letting fatty mcfatfat take control. not like i could purge at my besties.
let's talk about new years.
so drank a lot but didn't get drunk. i was buzzed a little. enough not to freak out when talking to people i didn't really know, but enough to question everything i was doing, besides eating...i ate a lot. one of the guys brought this salad his mom made and OMG it was sooo good. i want the recipe but i shouldn't get it because it wasn't a leafy type salad but a nomnom i'll make you fat salad. which i'm sure it did. which speaking of that guy he wrote me this weird message on facebook which i have yet to reply to. he's starts with i'm probably writing this because i'm drunk but i want to know what you think of this text. followed by a weird poem about asking a girl to go out with him and then at the end if you say no i'll smoke a j...something along the lines. it's in german. then later on one of the chickies (i actually consider her a friend) call her J, another chicky, N, and my besty we're all in the bathroom having a heart to heart because J's marriage is on the rocks she knows she needs to leave but loves him. you know that usual story where usually you'd be like bitch just leave. well while N is pounding in on her telling her just be strong leave blah blah, me although not being able to really relate to the relationship part but the she needs to put herself first part i'm telling her that she does need to put herself first and i understand right now she logically knows what is right but her heart isn't allowing her to act on it. she needs to take time for herself and while doing that not focus so much on the relationship but just on her the rest will follow. and then it goes on into "i have an eating disorder because i don't know how to deal with my shit. you need to cry. i can't cry no matter how much i try. wanna know what i do? i eat a shit load of food and then throw it up in the toilet because that's how i have control. i don't want you to end up like me and using something harmful, not necessarily an eating disorder, to deal with what's eating you up. please take some time, maybe go for therapy or something. don't just focus on you and his relationship. you have a son and you need to put him and yourself first."
i felt so sad seeing her hurting that i just spilled the beans. i probably wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for my besty in the room who already knew. i don't know why i'm sharing that shit with people. i guess sometimes it's gotta come out. i'd never share it with my parents or other people but i guess they're the closest friends i've got and i feel like i need to be honest with them. they don't understand and they never will i know that. i just want them to be aware i guess.
well after that talk (which my bsty left early) i was looking for my besty and couldn't find her. turns out her ass went to bed without saying anything. i was like well my ass gotta go to sleep to mini me will be up in like 2 hours. so yeah hit the sack. it was an ok party can't complain just pissed that i drank so fucking much and stayed pretty much sober. no hangover nothing. murr.
well this is what i looked like on new years. excuse the fatness much to work on this year but i will i have to. i'm tired of the up and down. it's time to get to my UGW at least, maybe lower.
i'm dreading my scale tomorrow. i might have shot up above my restarting weight. know what that means...a restart take 2. it's ok because after i drop mini-me off at daycare, i'm going to the asian food store buying a bag of rice. and then it's really on. i don't care i'm so motivated i want to purge my stomach now that i know has already digested the shit i put in it today. like i think i mentioned before i but that couch to 5k app on my phone so i'm hoping to get started next week. why not this week? because tomorrow i'm cleaning my house and it's for 3 times a week and i can only do it during the week while mini me is in day care. and since i'm mental i need a certain order so i have to do it M-W-F in the beginning or i'll feel retarded. i might be a chaotic person but certain things have to be orderly. Lou was talking about maybe adding people on facebook, i think it's a good idea (sorry i didn't comment hun) but i'll have to make a seperate facebook account because my mom is a facebook stalker, she stalks me and shit so i can't allow any slip ups. who is that Dylphe? where do you know them from? etc. etc. urghh stalking parentals are a pain in the ass. i'm a grown ass woman (by law not mentality) leave me ALONE.
so yeah i hope everybody entered the new year on a positive note or at least has a positive outlook. i'm about to go lay my cards (tarot kind of they aren't really tarot cards since they have like animal signs but they work almost the same) to see what this year brings.
i love you guys so much i'd hump your leg j/k (or am i? ^_^)
stay strong
MUAH
i got back home today and i just caught up with your blogs. still have some blogs i'm reading so i haven't started following yet but i'm getting there, slowly but surely.
i've been letting fatty mcfatfat take control. not like i could purge at my besties.
let's talk about new years.
so drank a lot but didn't get drunk. i was buzzed a little. enough not to freak out when talking to people i didn't really know, but enough to question everything i was doing, besides eating...i ate a lot. one of the guys brought this salad his mom made and OMG it was sooo good. i want the recipe but i shouldn't get it because it wasn't a leafy type salad but a nomnom i'll make you fat salad. which i'm sure it did. which speaking of that guy he wrote me this weird message on facebook which i have yet to reply to. he's starts with i'm probably writing this because i'm drunk but i want to know what you think of this text. followed by a weird poem about asking a girl to go out with him and then at the end if you say no i'll smoke a j...something along the lines. it's in german. then later on one of the chickies (i actually consider her a friend) call her J, another chicky, N, and my besty we're all in the bathroom having a heart to heart because J's marriage is on the rocks she knows she needs to leave but loves him. you know that usual story where usually you'd be like bitch just leave. well while N is pounding in on her telling her just be strong leave blah blah, me although not being able to really relate to the relationship part but the she needs to put herself first part i'm telling her that she does need to put herself first and i understand right now she logically knows what is right but her heart isn't allowing her to act on it. she needs to take time for herself and while doing that not focus so much on the relationship but just on her the rest will follow. and then it goes on into "i have an eating disorder because i don't know how to deal with my shit. you need to cry. i can't cry no matter how much i try. wanna know what i do? i eat a shit load of food and then throw it up in the toilet because that's how i have control. i don't want you to end up like me and using something harmful, not necessarily an eating disorder, to deal with what's eating you up. please take some time, maybe go for therapy or something. don't just focus on you and his relationship. you have a son and you need to put him and yourself first."
i felt so sad seeing her hurting that i just spilled the beans. i probably wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for my besty in the room who already knew. i don't know why i'm sharing that shit with people. i guess sometimes it's gotta come out. i'd never share it with my parents or other people but i guess they're the closest friends i've got and i feel like i need to be honest with them. they don't understand and they never will i know that. i just want them to be aware i guess.
well after that talk (which my bsty left early) i was looking for my besty and couldn't find her. turns out her ass went to bed without saying anything. i was like well my ass gotta go to sleep to mini me will be up in like 2 hours. so yeah hit the sack. it was an ok party can't complain just pissed that i drank so fucking much and stayed pretty much sober. no hangover nothing. murr.
well this is what i looked like on new years. excuse the fatness much to work on this year but i will i have to. i'm tired of the up and down. it's time to get to my UGW at least, maybe lower.
i'm dreading my scale tomorrow. i might have shot up above my restarting weight. know what that means...a restart take 2. it's ok because after i drop mini-me off at daycare, i'm going to the asian food store buying a bag of rice. and then it's really on. i don't care i'm so motivated i want to purge my stomach now that i know has already digested the shit i put in it today. like i think i mentioned before i but that couch to 5k app on my phone so i'm hoping to get started next week. why not this week? because tomorrow i'm cleaning my house and it's for 3 times a week and i can only do it during the week while mini me is in day care. and since i'm mental i need a certain order so i have to do it M-W-F in the beginning or i'll feel retarded. i might be a chaotic person but certain things have to be orderly. Lou was talking about maybe adding people on facebook, i think it's a good idea (sorry i didn't comment hun) but i'll have to make a seperate facebook account because my mom is a facebook stalker, she stalks me and shit so i can't allow any slip ups. who is that Dylphe? where do you know them from? etc. etc. urghh stalking parentals are a pain in the ass. i'm a grown ass woman (by law not mentality) leave me ALONE.
so yeah i hope everybody entered the new year on a positive note or at least has a positive outlook. i'm about to go lay my cards (tarot kind of they aren't really tarot cards since they have like animal signs but they work almost the same) to see what this year brings.
i love you guys so much i'd hump your leg j/k (or am i? ^_^)
stay strong
MUAH
Friday, December 31, 2010
while everyone is to busy to care
i don't know what i want from 2011 except something better but here is what i don't want...and never want
however I am kind of nostalgic i did meet some great people this year. in real life and of course on here. I am so happy to have found this place and I guess I have to thank this year for it.
I less than three you guys
MUAH MUAH MUAH CYBER HUGS
i mean she's active and fit but it's the thighs i want slender thighs
hey wii fit is a good start gotta give her that
at least she's taking the stairs
Remember this Girlies and Guys (me included):
however I am kind of nostalgic i did meet some great people this year. in real life and of course on here. I am so happy to have found this place and I guess I have to thank this year for it.
I less than three you guys
MUAH MUAH MUAH CYBER HUGS
HAPPY NEW YEARS
can you believe it 2010 is over in a few hours (depending on where you are at of course)
i can't wait to leave this shitty year behind. i'm hoping for a better year!!!
i can't make this one long because i don't know how long i'm alone my besty is working and her boyfriend went grocery shopping with their son and he should be back soon. i've been cleaning my besties kitchen. weird? nah not really we hate cleaning our own houses but we're more than willing to clean each others. we really need to move next door to each other. switch apartments for cleaning ha ha.
well i've been letting fatty mcfatfat take control since i've been down here. my besty doesn't let me purge which of course is a good thing. yesterday i actually felt hella nauseous and i was like i feel sick she was like NO if it comes up just throw up wherever you are but you are not going to the toilet. i have no regrets telling her. i mean i wasn't happy but you know it's better this way.
on the bright side yesterday her and i drank some champagne a little vodka cranberry and basically danced to some jrock...or rather head banged. i wonder how many cals that shit burns. it was fun and ended in a stiff neck...AWESOME lol. and let's not forget my mini-me's looks. WTF are you people doing? ha ha
i didn't get laxies yesterday so that means next year when i go home (oh i love the sound of that) it's on like cheech and chong...don't ask i get around my besty and i get more retarded...in a good way.
so tonight it's the ultimate drinking party. woohoo.
i know i've been bad at commenting. i've only been commenting when i could be sure to have privacy. i have been reading but commenting is another story. i'll make it up to you when i get back home and i'll post on your future posts.
heather at her blog my inner monologue actually has the best idea for the new year. instead of making resolutions ponder what you want to leave in this year and what you want to take with you. i love the idea of that. it's less pressure.
oh i just downloaded the couch to 5k app onto my samsung phone and i can still play my music while it's on i'm running and it basically tells me when to run and when to walk and all that jazz so i'm hoping to make use of that next year. it's just 3 times a week so i'm pretty excited. me run a 5k wow well that's something. but if i can do this maybe one day i can enter like a half marathon or something. which would be pretty freakin sweet.
so i wish you all the most fun new years no matter what you are doing. even if you are just cradling a bottle of liquor alone (which i hope not it's just not as much fun as sharing it with people). you guys are all in my thoughts i love you and i'm sending all my good energy out to you guys.
and on meeting, lou me give you and autograph? pshhhh i'm getting one from you!!!! (^_^)
stay strong
MUAH
oh i'll have my phone with me all night so i'll be on twitter if anybody needs a cyber hug or anything. that's of course only until probably midnight when all the networks are overloaded because everybody be trying to call they mama, grandma, uncle, cousin etc. but yeah as long as the network is working i'm there...well actually i'm pretty much always there. well anyway really seriously
MUAH
i can't wait to leave this shitty year behind. i'm hoping for a better year!!!
i can't make this one long because i don't know how long i'm alone my besty is working and her boyfriend went grocery shopping with their son and he should be back soon. i've been cleaning my besties kitchen. weird? nah not really we hate cleaning our own houses but we're more than willing to clean each others. we really need to move next door to each other. switch apartments for cleaning ha ha.
well i've been letting fatty mcfatfat take control since i've been down here. my besty doesn't let me purge which of course is a good thing. yesterday i actually felt hella nauseous and i was like i feel sick she was like NO if it comes up just throw up wherever you are but you are not going to the toilet. i have no regrets telling her. i mean i wasn't happy but you know it's better this way.
on the bright side yesterday her and i drank some champagne a little vodka cranberry and basically danced to some jrock...or rather head banged. i wonder how many cals that shit burns. it was fun and ended in a stiff neck...AWESOME lol. and let's not forget my mini-me's looks. WTF are you people doing? ha ha
i didn't get laxies yesterday so that means next year when i go home (oh i love the sound of that) it's on like cheech and chong...don't ask i get around my besty and i get more retarded...in a good way.
so tonight it's the ultimate drinking party. woohoo.
i know i've been bad at commenting. i've only been commenting when i could be sure to have privacy. i have been reading but commenting is another story. i'll make it up to you when i get back home and i'll post on your future posts.
heather at her blog my inner monologue actually has the best idea for the new year. instead of making resolutions ponder what you want to leave in this year and what you want to take with you. i love the idea of that. it's less pressure.
oh i just downloaded the couch to 5k app onto my samsung phone and i can still play my music while it's on i'm running and it basically tells me when to run and when to walk and all that jazz so i'm hoping to make use of that next year. it's just 3 times a week so i'm pretty excited. me run a 5k wow well that's something. but if i can do this maybe one day i can enter like a half marathon or something. which would be pretty freakin sweet.
so i wish you all the most fun new years no matter what you are doing. even if you are just cradling a bottle of liquor alone (which i hope not it's just not as much fun as sharing it with people). you guys are all in my thoughts i love you and i'm sending all my good energy out to you guys.
and on meeting, lou me give you and autograph? pshhhh i'm getting one from you!!!! (^_^)
stay strong
MUAH
oh i'll have my phone with me all night so i'll be on twitter if anybody needs a cyber hug or anything. that's of course only until probably midnight when all the networks are overloaded because everybody be trying to call they mama, grandma, uncle, cousin etc. but yeah as long as the network is working i'm there...well actually i'm pretty much always there. well anyway really seriously
MUAH
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
On the train
How weird would it be if somebody who reads my blog came up to me and was like hey aren't you dylphe?
I think i'd die of fat shame. I mean you guys know just about everything going on with me and my disgustingly fat stats but still i'd feel shame. Still at the same time i'd be happy to know i'm talking to someone who knows the struggle i think unless it's a secret haterade drinking person hating my choices which aren't truth be told choices anymore but more like compulsions.
So i've been bad somehow my grandpa's it's so sad to waste food since we were starving in ww2 mentality took over (i was never forced to eat but i am very empathetic) i made a large soy milk raspberry shake because i didn't want the milk to go bad. Then i had a tiny piece of chocolate broetchen after which i felt nauseous totally deserve that feeling. I do think i'm doing ok all things considering until i get there. We'll see how that goes. Dammit i just realized i forot laxies urghh fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Oh well it means harder work and more physical damage next year when i return home. I love the sound of returning next year makes it seem longer than what it is. You know time doesn't stop but when i'm feeling numb and emo it's weird
ok gotta go mini me is wanting some major attention right now.
Stay strong and i hope i can post before this dreadful year finally ends
MUAH
I think i'd die of fat shame. I mean you guys know just about everything going on with me and my disgustingly fat stats but still i'd feel shame. Still at the same time i'd be happy to know i'm talking to someone who knows the struggle i think unless it's a secret haterade drinking person hating my choices which aren't truth be told choices anymore but more like compulsions.
So i've been bad somehow my grandpa's it's so sad to waste food since we were starving in ww2 mentality took over (i was never forced to eat but i am very empathetic) i made a large soy milk raspberry shake because i didn't want the milk to go bad. Then i had a tiny piece of chocolate broetchen after which i felt nauseous totally deserve that feeling. I do think i'm doing ok all things considering until i get there. We'll see how that goes. Dammit i just realized i forot laxies urghh fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Oh well it means harder work and more physical damage next year when i return home. I love the sound of returning next year makes it seem longer than what it is. You know time doesn't stop but when i'm feeling numb and emo it's weird
ok gotta go mini me is wanting some major attention right now.
Stay strong and i hope i can post before this dreadful year finally ends
MUAH
so far so good
so far almost no food intake (a small bit and i do mean small of pretzel and a dextrose candy)...bad part no liquids either. i'm scared to drink anything because i might be tempted to eat then. right now i'm enjoying the hunger.
i don't know how well i'll be doing the rest of the week or day because i might go to my besties either today or tomorrow depending how long mini me's nap takes.
well i'll try to keep you guys updated.
this morning my weight was back down to 165.8lbs (75.2kg) considering i've been creeping into 76 that's pretty good. hunger hurts but starving works but at least hunger is the good type of pain like getting a tattoo
if i don't get back on until the new year i wish you a happy new year
stay strong
muah
i might blog on the train if i get bored from my phone
i don't know how well i'll be doing the rest of the week or day because i might go to my besties either today or tomorrow depending how long mini me's nap takes.
well i'll try to keep you guys updated.
this morning my weight was back down to 165.8lbs (75.2kg) considering i've been creeping into 76 that's pretty good. hunger hurts but starving works but at least hunger is the good type of pain like getting a tattoo
if i don't get back on until the new year i wish you a happy new year
stay strong
muah
i might blog on the train if i get bored from my phone
spamming your dashboard subject: hunger
on the rare occasions i do feel hunger i don't want to eat.
when i eat i just eat to stuff my face. i'm just eating because it's there. i don't even know why. boredom? greed? gluttony? emotions? i don't know what my eating trigger is most of the time. i mean when that chicky came over yeah she totally triggered me, but it's not like i deal that much with her. so i just don't know what's going on. i need to find my trigger. it's not like i can keep an empty fridge. i got mini-me to feed and i can't seem to keep away from the "poison"
if i was feeling hungry all the time i would enjoy starving...so weird. i just need to remember (and stick to) not eating so i can actually enjoy the pleasure i have in not eating, the self satisfaction and pride i get out of that feeling
gluttony or pride which is the lesser sin?
hunger validates that what i'm doing is right. i imagine my body attacking the fat.
as you can guess i'm feeling hungry right now and enjoying the hell out of it.
i will indulge in this (unfortunately) passing feeling right now.
I will be thin, i will be a M.Y.L.F. (mom you'd like to f-dash-dash-dash [a christmas story is such an awesome movie]), i will be able to see ribs without stretching, i will be beautiful
stay strong
MUAH
when i eat i just eat to stuff my face. i'm just eating because it's there. i don't even know why. boredom? greed? gluttony? emotions? i don't know what my eating trigger is most of the time. i mean when that chicky came over yeah she totally triggered me, but it's not like i deal that much with her. so i just don't know what's going on. i need to find my trigger. it's not like i can keep an empty fridge. i got mini-me to feed and i can't seem to keep away from the "poison"
if i was feeling hungry all the time i would enjoy starving...so weird. i just need to remember (and stick to) not eating so i can actually enjoy the pleasure i have in not eating, the self satisfaction and pride i get out of that feeling
gluttony or pride which is the lesser sin?
hunger validates that what i'm doing is right. i imagine my body attacking the fat.
as you can guess i'm feeling hungry right now and enjoying the hell out of it.
i will indulge in this (unfortunately) passing feeling right now.
I will be thin, i will be a M.Y.L.F. (mom you'd like to f-dash-dash-dash [a christmas story is such an awesome movie]), i will be able to see ribs without stretching, i will be beautiful
stay strong
MUAH
Monday, December 27, 2010
hmmm a bitchy ranty whiny post
don't have much positivity to post. i'm fat and my digestion is fucked, so laxies aren't dependable which means i can't take any until tomorrow afternoon because i have to take mini me to the doctor tomorrow. we were in the german emergency room because her doc is closed and they bitched at me how i should have went to one of the alternative doctors etc. etc. and then they see me anyway and bitch at me again. look you fucking underpaid bitches (which isn't my fault) don't bitch at me if you don't want to see me don't make me wait for 2 hours and then bitch about me being there. i would have been fine just taking her to another doctor...had you let me go. well mini me has bronchitis but she's still being awesome so it she'll get over it.
then i went to get my hair cut since i was with my friend and yeah my hair is half nigger so the shit curls with wetness so the fucker cut it crooked i'm pissed i mean it'll grow but still that's 12 euros i wasted. 12 euros i shouldn't have really spent on that.
food wise i didn't do to bad i had rice and tofu and a few of my daughters french fries. not bad with the exception of the chocolate. i hate pms mode it makes me want chocolate something i don't even crave at any other time. oh yeah i had a shake too.
i want laxies right now but so not dependable and i don't wanna be at my daughters appointment feeling the shits coming on because my belly ain't digesting right and being all slow making it take like +/-12 hours to work. can't risk it. i can't purge and now i can't depend on laxies. i'm a fat ass why can't this shit kick in when i'm at a dangerous weight level? fuck you disorders. i might as well own up and say i have an eating disorder. though i don't feel the "right" to claim it. i'm not diagnosed (not like i want to be that would require me telling a therapist) and it's not like i got the will power to go along with it. neither do i exercise enough...i don't at all. i feel unworthy to even label myself as having an eating disorder. i guess me thinking i'm unworthy of something i don't truly want but i'm suffering from the symptoms would make it true huh? oh well this twisted mess is about to sign off
i wish you all the best, i thank my new supporter and all you guys' comments. i love you all you are awesomeness on a slice of no cal toast
stay strong
MUAH
then i went to get my hair cut since i was with my friend and yeah my hair is half nigger so the shit curls with wetness so the fucker cut it crooked i'm pissed i mean it'll grow but still that's 12 euros i wasted. 12 euros i shouldn't have really spent on that.
food wise i didn't do to bad i had rice and tofu and a few of my daughters french fries. not bad with the exception of the chocolate. i hate pms mode it makes me want chocolate something i don't even crave at any other time. oh yeah i had a shake too.
i want laxies right now but so not dependable and i don't wanna be at my daughters appointment feeling the shits coming on because my belly ain't digesting right and being all slow making it take like +/-12 hours to work. can't risk it. i can't purge and now i can't depend on laxies. i'm a fat ass why can't this shit kick in when i'm at a dangerous weight level? fuck you disorders. i might as well own up and say i have an eating disorder. though i don't feel the "right" to claim it. i'm not diagnosed (not like i want to be that would require me telling a therapist) and it's not like i got the will power to go along with it. neither do i exercise enough...i don't at all. i feel unworthy to even label myself as having an eating disorder. i guess me thinking i'm unworthy of something i don't truly want but i'm suffering from the symptoms would make it true huh? oh well this twisted mess is about to sign off
i wish you all the best, i thank my new supporter and all you guys' comments. i love you all you are awesomeness on a slice of no cal toast
stay strong
MUAH
Saturday, December 25, 2010
"I’d never worry about age if I knew I could go on being loved and having the possibility to love… So it isn’t age or even death that one fears, as much as loneliness and the lack of affection." – Audrey Hepburn
I really like that quote. In my other post I forgot to mention this:
Yesterday i wanted to see what famous people have/had eating disorders and listed among others was Franz Kafka then i tried to get more info on that and stumbled across his short story A Hunger Artist I read it German here but you can read it in English here.
I really liked it.
Yesterday i wanted to see what famous people have/had eating disorders and listed among others was Franz Kafka then i tried to get more info on that and stumbled across his short story A Hunger Artist I read it German here but you can read it in English here.
I really liked it.
so this is what went down
i went to my parents for christmas yesterday as you may know. i was really worried because my fahja is back and me and him have not been vibing at all the past few years. well needless to say it was nice. it was relaxed. i'm not going to say oh he's changed because everytime i do that i get disappointed. however it was a nice afternoon/evening.
mini-me got lots of new toys which she loves. I'm happy seeing her so ecstatic about her gifts. it's good to know there is some appreciation left in this world. i got lots of stuff considering i didn't expect anything. i mean it's not going to sound like a lot but still. i got my rice cooker (do a happy dance oh yeah and my mom gave me her sticky rice since i can't go buy any until stores open back up on monday), i also got an ed hardy hoody jacket. i don't know why but my fahja got them real cheap down in iraq. so it could be fake. now i have to say i am not a fan of ed hardy at all. i will wear it since it was a gift but i would never buy it and i actually think people who do buy it in hopes of some coolness are pathetic. i mean if you like it more power to you but it won't make you cool so please if that's why you buy clothes for coolness don't. get what you like!!! i also got a camcorder. the army was just throwing brand new electronics away. so yeah he got it for free but since it's still with the tapes and all i told him there's no point in me having it even though i really like it but how many people still have vcr's (i mean i do but not the point, i couldn't really share it) and since i can't put it on my computer it's a bit pointless so it'd be better if he sold it and just made some money off it because somebody will buy it i'm sure. well needless to say he said he's going to get me one with a memory card so i can put it on my computer. AWESOME. yeah so i feel really spoiled but it's kind of sad that it's material things that make me so happy since on an emotional level my family and i can't really communicate.
it was great until last night when i decided to opt for a binge. i'm talking a binge to the point where my stomach was hurting and it was trying to creep back up. but it wouldn't once again my inability to purge caught up with me. WHAT THE FUCK. i was pissed i couldn't get anything out except a bit of liquid. oh yeah so after giving up i just popped 8 laxies for which i am paying for right now at this moment and have been all morning. it's somewhat ridiculous but it's good to know it's getting out. however all the food has not digested in my stomach. how do i know? because when i burped about an hour ago i tasted my binge. i'm serious. i can't imagine that i would get the taste of something that's been digested already however correct me if i'm wrong. i've also been nauseous all morning however i'm trying to drink tea in combat. i'm looking forward to breaking in my rice cooker today. rice diet hello i'm dylphe let's get acquainted and hope i can stick to you.
well i hope i get company today because my grandparents sent a shit load of chocolate that i don't eat and i need to feed it to the fatties...i mean masses...the people i'm hating on because they feel no guilt in consumption.
oh Emily the gift for my parents is actually a small painting which once it's completed i'll post a picture. it's just not done because i haven't really had a steady hand. My mom promised to teach me knitting but we never got to it. i tried watching videos but i need somebody there who's like now grab it like this...i think your gift is an awesome idea maybe one day i can steal it and give somebody else a bag i made myself.
Stay strong guys and enjoy your holidays be stronger than your inner glutton and forceful family members.
you can do it yes you can if you can't do it nobody can (perky cheerleader voice...believe it or not i was one as a kid until i had a shitty racist coach who ruined it for me, maybe had i stuck to it i wouldn't be such a fat ass now)
MUAH
mini-me got lots of new toys which she loves. I'm happy seeing her so ecstatic about her gifts. it's good to know there is some appreciation left in this world. i got lots of stuff considering i didn't expect anything. i mean it's not going to sound like a lot but still. i got my rice cooker (do a happy dance oh yeah and my mom gave me her sticky rice since i can't go buy any until stores open back up on monday), i also got an ed hardy hoody jacket. i don't know why but my fahja got them real cheap down in iraq. so it could be fake. now i have to say i am not a fan of ed hardy at all. i will wear it since it was a gift but i would never buy it and i actually think people who do buy it in hopes of some coolness are pathetic. i mean if you like it more power to you but it won't make you cool so please if that's why you buy clothes for coolness don't. get what you like!!! i also got a camcorder. the army was just throwing brand new electronics away. so yeah he got it for free but since it's still with the tapes and all i told him there's no point in me having it even though i really like it but how many people still have vcr's (i mean i do but not the point, i couldn't really share it) and since i can't put it on my computer it's a bit pointless so it'd be better if he sold it and just made some money off it because somebody will buy it i'm sure. well needless to say he said he's going to get me one with a memory card so i can put it on my computer. AWESOME. yeah so i feel really spoiled but it's kind of sad that it's material things that make me so happy since on an emotional level my family and i can't really communicate.
it was great until last night when i decided to opt for a binge. i'm talking a binge to the point where my stomach was hurting and it was trying to creep back up. but it wouldn't once again my inability to purge caught up with me. WHAT THE FUCK. i was pissed i couldn't get anything out except a bit of liquid. oh yeah so after giving up i just popped 8 laxies for which i am paying for right now at this moment and have been all morning. it's somewhat ridiculous but it's good to know it's getting out. however all the food has not digested in my stomach. how do i know? because when i burped about an hour ago i tasted my binge. i'm serious. i can't imagine that i would get the taste of something that's been digested already however correct me if i'm wrong. i've also been nauseous all morning however i'm trying to drink tea in combat. i'm looking forward to breaking in my rice cooker today. rice diet hello i'm dylphe let's get acquainted and hope i can stick to you.
well i hope i get company today because my grandparents sent a shit load of chocolate that i don't eat and i need to feed it to the fatties...i mean masses...the people i'm hating on because they feel no guilt in consumption.
oh Emily the gift for my parents is actually a small painting which once it's completed i'll post a picture. it's just not done because i haven't really had a steady hand. My mom promised to teach me knitting but we never got to it. i tried watching videos but i need somebody there who's like now grab it like this...i think your gift is an awesome idea maybe one day i can steal it and give somebody else a bag i made myself.
Stay strong guys and enjoy your holidays be stronger than your inner glutton and forceful family members.
you can do it yes you can if you can't do it nobody can (perky cheerleader voice...believe it or not i was one as a kid until i had a shitty racist coach who ruined it for me, maybe had i stuck to it i wouldn't be such a fat ass now)
MUAH
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)