this and that and a new cut....

yeah i'm definitly hating mia at the moment. i don't want her but at the same time it feels like she's such a large part of me that i don't know if i really want to give her up. but how sad is it i almost passed out on the way home from picking up mini me from day care today. seriously i've always told myself you won't feel the side effects hard core until you hit a low weight and i guess that made it ok for me to continue. on the other hand stopping isn't really an option right now. i tried to stop myself by filming one of my purges to show how pathetic i look doing it but didn't work. and i know i could just try harder on finding some professional help buuuuut....Procrastinators unite!!! Tomorrow...
i had a shirt that said that i wonder what happened to it. i got my hair cut today. of course it rained. boooooo. but i did take a picture so here goes. (btw i love how camera angles can make you look skinny in the face)

because of the way the flash worked i've decided to dye some of my hair gray...gotta claim that old lady in me lol. but yeah once that's done i'll post it too.
and i got my nails done. red tips with purple stars, yes i know you'd think it's a planned choice of color but although the red tips are the purple stars all from the nail guy. i said black he said ooooh why not purple is nice and me so easily influenced i agreed

i know i've been kinda behind on the updates still but i've been so tired and busy lately it's ridiculous. oh and i sent of my application to that job. now let me just keep my fingers crossed that i actually get it!!!
here's a picture i made while i was on hiatus:

i threaded red string across the mouth kinda hard to tell from the pic. painting is lots of fun i'm working on another project but since the cash is (and has been) extremely low it'll have to be postponed until funding is allocated.
man i need a rich husband...just saying
well not much else is happening over here soo toodles
MUAH

as promised (i know a bit late)

thank you guys for the comments great to know i haven't been forgotten (^_^)

i'm back finally

as of yesterday my house has once again become MY house again. a lot of shit has happened and i don't quite know where to start...
I guess the best place to start is by apologizing to all of my supporters and all the people i follow. i haven't written or read anything these past months. at least i now have something to do.^_^
so basically mia-girly was staying with me and it was bad. i mean we had b/p parties. on the bright side i am now teetering on the edge of 70/69kg. on the sad side i will not reach my goal by my birthday as i had planned. but it's been a stable weight for about a week so i'm taking it as a good sign.
i'm currently in the process of cleaning my house because mia-girly kinda took my i like to clean my house myself tick as an ok for making it a mess. today my return blog will be short because i am exhausted from not keeping any food down today. i haven't forgotten any of you guys. i might make a vlog tonight because typing is exhausting right now.
i love you guys
MUAH

Healthy Fruits and Veggies

my grandparents (health nuts) e-mailed this to me and i felt the need to share with you

(still catching up on blogs btw)


EAT LOTS OF SWEET POTATOES
this is old but a good reminder...

It's been said that God first separated the salt water from the fresh, made dry land, planted a garden, made animals and fish... All before making a human. He made and provided what we'd need before we were born. These are best & more powerful when eaten raw. We're such slow learners...
God left us a great clue as to what foods help what part of our body!
God's Pharmacy! Amazing!
A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye... And YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.
A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopine and are indeed pure heart and blood food.
Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.
A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.

Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.

Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don't have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.

avocados, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this? It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods. Modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them.

Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility.

Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics.

Oranges, Grapefruits, and other Citrus fruits look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.
Onions look like the body's cells. Today's research shows onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. A working companion, Garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals from the body.

DEEZ NUTS

title inspired by tai's comment on my last vlog
oh and the lovely lou gave me an award and i will handle that shizzle nizzle when i have the time i swears!!!!
so roomie is setting things straight with her woman...well fiance they re-engaged. i like to call it the lesbian illness, moving on in the relationship at the speed of light. roomie laughed at me when i told her that. it just seems most lesbians i deal with move from getting to know each other to moving in together to being engaged in a matter of weeks. i think it's just this biological clock in us women that make us feel like we have to settle down ASAP (skipped me though) and i guess when it's two women it's more pressure. however i don't want to pass judgment just because i don't believe in all that thanks to bad role models *cough*parentals*cough* just because i lack a belief in the marital institution, and all that jazz. if it makes them happy.... it's just since i've known roomie (roughly a year) this is her third girlfriend and third engagement broken (well this one seems fixed). idk. her life. i've got her back regardless and it's actually at the moment pretty cool to hang out with them and stuff. anyway the point wasn't on moving to fast in the relationship the point is although she's still officially staying over here she's spending the night over there. it was quite amusing to hear them haggling about how long they were going to have sex tonight.
speaking of sex i went out friday night. i didn't really want to during the day but my friend, mia-girly broke up with her boyfriend and her grandma is in somewhat critical condition and honestly i love helping friends out (no sarcasm, said like riley from the boondocks says no homo). yeah it was quite interesting i didn't get super drunk however some 19 year old kid (yes kid, you'll see why in a sec) somehow became convinced that we were in a relationship. his sexual performance sucked, failure actually damn alcohol. but afterwards when we were back in the club he's all like i love you. i was like "woah buddy don't go saying that shit to fast" i think that hurt his feelings. anyway when i went off with mia-girly to the other room to dance i ended up going upstairs with her and some guys, the guy into me kissed my cheek and the kid swooped in talking about "you got caught". i'm thinking doing what we aren't together holmes. yeah crazy night. anyway ended up giving my number out to some other guy who's been calling me like everyday since sunday. i have got to stop this drunken giving out my number. however as funny as the evening was i realized on saturday that really it's just self-destructive behavior and self-loathing making me act this way. i tend to get trashed, pick ugly guys, have sex with them because i don't do any other self destructive things (purging doesn't count more on that later when i get to how fat my ass has gotten). i don't cut or anything so i fuck up my liver, vagina, and self respect all in one night. isn't that just grand.
i have got to get therapy. seriously. and although i know i need to stop i think the next time i go out it'll be the same thing all over again no matter how much i plan not to before i go. DYLPHE MUST LOATHE HERSELF! but then again i don't even dare try pulling decent guys because i don't feel like i deserve them and then i don't believe i could pull them if i tried because i've always been the fat one and fat one=ugly one, let's just keep it real.
ok now onto the fatness. yesterday i weighed in at 76.6kg and today at 74. something. how disgusting is that shit? VEEERY. who is to blame? none other than yours truly.
i will admit that some of it was just this bit of vanity i've been feeling. roomie is quite the big girl. and by quite the big girl i mean me at my highest weight if not more. so she always brought food and candy and all the shit i can't usuallyallow myself. and of course i didn't purge it. because i was not alone and while i was stuffing my face the thought of "if you eat this you'll be that" never even crossed my mind. i don't even have a right to mention ana or mia at this point because it's been absolute failure on both parts. and i can't just blame it on the food gifts no i binged when i had like two hours for myself, enough for a binge and purge but it ended up  just being a binge.
have i done any exercise? who the fuck are you kidding. none. i'm back in my size 14 though i might be able to squeeze into my twelves but that means i'd have to wash them and i fear the attempt because failure could lead to suicide. ok not really but definitely the thoughts and some sort of self destructive/hurting/harming...fuck it, let's just say pain inducing behavior i haven't tried out yet/recently. i was thinking of just smacking the shit out of myself next time food touched my lips but that's kind of hard to do when somebody is with you when you're eating. and then i forgot to. but it's definitely up for consideration, wouldn't be the first time i smacked myself. (is it sad that i just now did it to make sure i still could smack myself hard? no? good i know you love me ^_^)
i've gotten more supporters. what the fuck i don't even deserve you guys. i love you that's for sure. i love you like a fat kid loves cake...i think that's an incredibly bad line over here but can anyone love anything more than a fat kid loves cake? no i don't think so because this is personal experience talking, and there is nothing wiser than that...unless you keep making the same fucking mistakes over and over and over and over much like myself. join the club.
i'm sorry this isn't the most positive post but really as much as i've been laughing with roomie i'm hating myself inside. i hate myself because i'm a fat dumbass. a fat dumbass that people take as an example (in real life) to get themselves to consider weight loss. WTF bitches i'm fat stop looking at me for inspiration look at the awesome hotness with leg gaps walking around. seriously people. i'm stuffing my fucking face here. it's vile and disgusting. maybe i should film myself eating because i stuff myself like i'm never going to have a go at it again. and everytime i want to eat i'll fucking watch that video.
i also need to do something about the exercise. i was excited  because a friend of mine returned my wii to me but the bastard forgot my ddr mat. you know that shit is exercise without feeling like it.and if i can't get to the gym this is what i need.
uhmmm....let's see what else oh yeah i won't be able to catch up on blogs/vlogs tonight because i'm exhausted i was up last night because mini-me was feverish and so i didn't get much sleep. i'll try tomorrow if roomie stays at her woman's house also during the day since i'm keeping mini-me home tomorrow as well..
so many things to do so little time to do them i swear guys it's weird. i'm feeling weird. full of loathing towards myself but i'm trying to love myself again i just know i can't do that until i get back on track and right now i'm absolutely lost as to how to get back on. i want to order protein shakes but since i want the soy kind i have to order it online which means i have to get my money first. damn day care taking forever to give me my money. "bitch betta have my money" followed by (from how high) "I~~NEEEEED~~~MON-EEEEEEY" yeah i'm a bit crazy at the moment no clue why.
yeah so i need sleep i think that's part of why this post is so fucking crazy right now.
STAY STRONG (stronger than me...not so hard you can do it!!!)
MUAAAAAAH

vlupdate

so

this will be quick i'm currently letting my friend live with me because she broke up with her girlfriend and they were living together so i don't know how much i'll be able to get on and blog. she said she'll be sleeping somewhere else the end of the week so i should be able to blog then. my mood has improved however so no worries i'm getting there. the weight is slooooowly coming off with my b/p / e/p method. stay strong
muah

what i smoked in 1.5 days ughhh such an expensive habit

ups are usually followed by downs (jumbled and not happy)

i apologize for my absence i know you're sick of  hearing my apologies but lately i haven't felt like much of anything yet had to do so much. i even let my quotes blog slide. i won't make any promises because i haven't been able to keep them.
my weight was something around 73 this morning, i didn't even bother to look behind the decimal because anything over 70 is to much. i should be really happy i got my hair cut yesterday and my parents paid, it was my father's idea which surprised me. now he's cracking jokes that i wasted the money because he has clippers at home. i shaved it on the side but on the picture it looks like a bald spot because only the blond part shows and looks like scalp. i'll fix it next week when i have money to buy hair dye again. i dyed my hair on the weekend it's green now. i missed some spots and i can see that now with the hair cut.
i've been so angry lately and i've been yelling at my daughter too much and she usually just stands there and looks at me like she knows i don't mean it. i apologize to her but i feel like a shit mom because no child should have to even come to that realization at age 3 or at any age for that matter. at least i know that i love her, something i wasn't to sure of around this time of year last year but i was pretty fucked up then. once again i had lost my ability to purge but i kept binging like i could and now i still binge and have to force myself to purge i don't feel like it even though i know i'll feel better after. i feel unmotivated in doing pretty much everything in life. at least i'm not suicidal because even the contemplation of death is to much work right now. i'm in a slump that lacks positivity i'm cussing people out in my head all day and WOOOZAAAHH is not working. it sucks ass cheeks. i'm almost done with my apartment. i rearranged my living room. i now have space to do my step aerobics dvd but i still haven't done it. i wanted to do it tonight but i spent my motivation on finding the dvd behind my bed. what the hell is wrong with me. i hate myself, i hate my weight, i try not to eat because truth be told i don't even have the money to be binging right now but i am. i was cheered up a bit after talking to my bestie for a while today but dammit that was a short lived high.
i've done good things this week. things that should make me feel better. i gauged my left ear yesterday only to two millimeters but we all have to start somewhere. i totally forgot to tell you guys last week? whenever i did it that i gauged the right ear. my left was still healing at the time from the last attempt of ear rape. well anyway lets see my accomplishments that should make me happy:
rearranged my living room
gauged my ears
got a hair cut that was needed
dyed my hair
made a considerable dent in my laundry pile (which just means i've got to many clothes to go so long without really washing)
i was there for friends who needed to talk on the phone until late at night/early morning my time (which isn't a bother at all)
cleaned my whole house (almost laundry means it's not done)
i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. oh yeah aunt flow came today maybe that's what it is but i've never had such a low due to hormones.
i started reading the dark tower series today, lou was mentioning it recently and it's been staring at me from my book shelf so i decided to reread it i'll probably like it more now since it's almost like reading a totally new series since i'd read it last in high school and college.

i want to thank all of you guys for your lovely comments i got for my drunken post ha ha so here's answers to the questions:

@Tai: Fasching is carnival, it actually starts on november 11 at 11:11am every year but the parades are always the last sunday and monday before lent starts. the last chance to go crazy and party before people start having to give stuff up for 40 days. this year it'll be big i'm sure since the start will be 11-11-11 at 11:11
@Lola: ich weiss nicht genau wie viel Englisch die Kleine versteht aber ich rede nur Deutsch mit ihr. Mein Vater redet Englisch mit ihr und meine Mutter manchmal auch, ausserdem lernt sie ein paar Sachen im Kindergarten.


and not related to my previous post Lou I'm happy that you like what I sent you that makes me happy (^_^).
oh here's my new hair cut:

and of course the ear rape

well that's all folks i hope to catch up on blogs this weekend because although i love you guys even for that i was lacking motivation
stay strong
MUAH

thunder thighs

ok here we go the full body shot today crooked ears and all
(i'm sober again)

Vloggety vloggety drunk bitcheeeeeeeeeeeessssss lmao

mini me and i at fasching:

i still have to make noodle salad for my kids day care tomorrow because they are having a party tomorrow for fasching/carnival
oh and it is possible to upload vids directly to blogger but it didn't work for me
CHEERS BITCHEEEEEES
p.s. that damn video took so long to upload that i've made the noodle salad so since i wasn't allowed to use mayo (raw eggs) i used yogurt as a substitute

this afternoon i did it

i broke the 70kg barrier. i weighed this afternoon after 2 b/ps i'm actually waiting on the food delivery for number 3 maybe 4. my weight was 153.2lbls (69.5kg) woot woot. but i can't feel to much happiness unless it stays that way. god i should be celebrating but you can't trust a weigh in at your lowest low unless it stays that way at least for 24 hours. we'll see what tomorrow brings. i'll attempt at starvation tomorrow. however i won't hold myself accountable. but i will have a 600 cal limit should i feel the need to let anything into my body.
i'm feeling the effects of my extreme purging, my gums are killing me. and i feel like there's an air of vomit air following me around, ugh. logically i know it's not the case but you know...
so i've been close to getting panic attacks again. i'm not quite there. i was close to curling up in a ball and screaming at the top of my lungs in the grocery store. i was so freaked out i don't know. that was the second time i went to the store today. the first time i almost had one because i felt people were judging me based on my purchases, same when i bought the chinese food for my binge i was like the bitch knows what's gonna go down. paranoia cha cha cha.
just finished my final b/p and popped 2 more laxies so i'm up to a total of five today i took 3 earlier today.
to combat my dehydration i bought an isotonic drink mix so i'll get some electrolytes and it has L-Carnitin which it helps your body burn fat. win win right? well i think so. my nose hurts really bad after that last purge but at least there's no blood. my body is starting to fight me though it's getting more difficult to purge. i had to tell my body to stop fucking with me. and then it cooperated.
i wanted to do a shout out to Silhouette formerly known as Fading Figure. she had to set up a new blog because of discovery and now lacks followers.
well i'm exhausted and they're about to bring a documentary on Vivian Westwood on tv, right now it's the end of the Lagerfeld documentary Lagerfeld Confidential. I have even more respect for him now.
i'm off to fall asleep to some fashion and bones (i hope)
love you guys
stay strong
MUAH
hopefully tomorrow i can gather my scattered thoughts (purging seems to have killed some braincells) and write a proper post even if i have to work on it all freaking day

bone envy

i was watching germany's next top model tonight, all in all it's boring but the girls are gorgeous and worthy of envy.
let's see i kinda sorta broke of sgd. or rather i've turned it to if i must consume and keep it down it must stay under said calorie limit as set by sgd but these past two days it's been e/p.
still haven't handled the PF issue. I think she thinks the longer she drags it out the more likely i'm going to still be her friend. but nope. I've been great without her. feeling hella positive lately. Don't need that in my life.
on the bright side this afternoon my weight was (70.8kg) and i was able to get into a size 40 (10 US) woot woot. so unfortunately e/p works. which means letting go of mia at this point is not on my mind. as many times as i've said she's got to go, now i'm on my she's got to stay track. that's the problem with disorders your body's health is not important.
speaking of my body yesterday i had a huge b/p (about a pound of noodles w/ cheese ketchup mayonnaise gross sounding i know, bag of chips, chocolate croissants, cookies, mini cakes etc.) ok rather i had 4 b/ps with all that stuff, stuffed until my stomach felt like it would burst, and then all hail the porcelain king. anyway the first purge after i was done cleaning up especially my nose because 1/4th came out that way, there was blood in my nose. weird i know. but not painful and definitely not enough to scare me. but for all those out there contemplating this as a weight loss tool take it as a warning your body will start "falling" apart. DON'T DO IT.
Lou I sent your package today because this doofus here forgot how long it would take to get to the states. Face Palm. However I didn't forget your birthday I'm just a little slow  and late. It's actually almost your birthday over here in about 32 minutes.
well i'm going to attempt at some sleep for now and will play catch up on blogs tomorrow since today i slept like all day, purging does take it out of me at the moment, not drinking isn't helping but i'm trying i really am.
Enid stay strong hun we'll reach our goals this summer yes we will!!!!!!
Stay strong
MUAH

I'm ready to give up

yesterday i stayed within SGD guidelines. This morning I have no loss. I'm ready to give up. Ready to turn back to mia and e/p and b/p. what's the point i wonder.
yesterday i did purge, i basically ate some bread that would have been allowed but i felt so guilty i purged it anyway.
this is the first time i'm following a specific plan and i don't think it's working for me. it's all about chaos i guess and going with the flow. maybe i just need to take a shit i don't know. today it's 400 cals again which isn't to hard. i might just stick it out but right now it's upsetting.
i'm sorry this is jumbled lack of sleep and i'm tired because my kid decided to wake me up in the most annoying way. whining. i hate whiners, i don't do whiners. i tolerate much but i do not do whiners, whether it's my kid or an adult or friend. i just can't. i can take nails scratching a chalkboard all day but a whining tone has the same effect as that scratching has for other people.
anyway time to handle mini-me's morning stuff since i have a 9:30 appointment for something and then have to meet with PF this afternoon to give her her shit. more on that tonight i'm sure if i'm not to tired.
stay strong
muah

just a quick one

so i have to get mini-me ready
but i've gained weight and i'm not surprised i'm at 72.5kg today but that's as i've said dehydration and all the b/p and my purging not working like it should which means i'll have to take a break. which on one side is a very good thing.
i have more followers which i haven't acknowledged yet, thank you so much for finding what i write interesting.
well longer post later doing shopping today, since i fail at fasts i'll try to do SGD with Enid
Stay strong
MUAH

vlogged once more

so i finally vlogged again

i think i had lots to say but the damn drama with the uploading made me space it
oh and tomorrow is the big day PF is getting her shiznit back and than i'm done with that
lot's of shopping tomorrow (groceries, undershirts for mini-me, stuff that will randomly get added to my list ^_^)

for all my fellow anime nerds and nerdettes

ok i don't know if you guys watch your anime subtitled to (i hate dubbed) but i thought this was funny as hell
http://looneyfun.com/priceless-anime-subtitle-foolery/

i love it when captchas read like real words but they aren't...they have potential

so finally i'm caught up completely...ok with the exception of Lou i'm letting your friday vlogs load right now because my laptop sucks i have to load videos all the way or they sound like skipping cds.
anyway so today is a fucking great motherfucking day. and that is not sarcastic. technically what happened today should be the most triggering shit ever but i feel light. first let me explain what happened.
PF (is that what we decided to call this chick? the one i had the egg white drama today) anyway last night she came over and spent the night. this morning she leaves goes to the bakery and comes back. i'm a grouch in the morning i'll admit but i wasn't giving her any 'tude or anything. so anyway she decided to also buy bread for mini-me. I told her i'd make it for her and then PF is like no i'll make she wants me to make it. Fine with me. She always uses the plates for this one coffee set when she comes over and i asked her why not use the regular plates (they are bigger) and she's like "because i want to". i'm thinking to myself ok fine it was a simple question but whatever. then she's like i'm going home i don't have to deal with this shit and goes on about something on how i'm treating her crappy or something or other. i'm asking what the hell did i do. "you wouldn't get it if i told you" so by this time i'm sitting on the couch with mini-me cuddling. and she's packing up her stuff. going on and on about this and that which to be honest i'm tuning out. then she starts doing her hair and starts fussing about her hair tye which she can't find. "i'm not leaving until i find my hair tie every time i come over i can't ever find my hair ties they always disappear at your house. so i get up start straightening up in the living room. yelling back at her (at this point my whole body is shaking with anger and yes excitement) that i don't have her fucking hair tie how should i know where she put it i haven't moved it and i don't fucking want them because my hair's not even fucking long enough for hair ties. the only one's i have are from mini me and they are pink, purple, white with bows. now she's going on how she doesn't have to take this treatment because i should know she has mother issues blah blah. (i'll do the reflection afterwards). so then i'm onto straightening out couch pillows guess what's laying on the couch (not the table) her hair tie. so i give it to her telling her it's on the couch. "oh i'm sorry for all that" but basically she finishes her hair and then just leaves.
why am i happy after something that should have triggered me? because this means getting someone like that who blows up over shit no other person can understand but her out of my life. i'm seriously through with her. i told her before i don't argue with my friends that's middle/high school shit i left behind when i graduated. i hate confrontation and my friends are people who take me for me and i take them for them and that's that. i guess after she got home she called and i didn't answer i was still shaky at this point but a good shaky a damn i feel good shaky. i got mini-me and myself dressed and went to do the shopping i was supposed to do together with her.
honestly i'm tired of her shit that's another reason i'm through. her excuse of why she treats people the way she does is that her childhood was hard. well you know what i'm tired of people using their past as an excuse. i may not have had the same childhood but i didn't have the most rosy past either and i'm not walking around teaching people like shit. it's an old excuse and not good enough one to excuse her treating me like a doormat. some of her shit is still here like the laundry i washed at my house for her. i packed all the dry stuff up. all the stuff that's still drying will be packed up and she can have that shit on monday if she calls again i'll say i'll meet her somewhere downtown and then that's it. i'll also tell her that i don't deal with that shit and just like i wrote up top. i'll tell her i feel bad for her that her past was shitty but it's time to move on and i refuse to deal with that or be yelled at not even knowing why. i can't handle that and in this case i just have to be selfish and think of myself first.
here's the part that's kind of funny i asked from the universe for ending this friendship as it is. i mean fucking egg whites last week and this week i don't even know. i'm writing this with a slight upturn of the corners of my mouth. anyway this just reminds me of that quote "some people come into your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime"she was definitely not a lifetime. i feel like you guys are def better friends than her. which brings me to another point. her being out of my life means more time with you guys. i can return to my hermitness and not feel quilty. i prefer the occasional meetings anyway, not every fucking day.
she left part of a j here and told me to throw it away and i think i'll do just that. i'm tempted to smoke it but i think i'll feel a lot better if i toss it because i know she's going to think i smoked it but i know i didn't. bam i'm finished.
so let's talk about food. i've been b/ping a lot and not really loosing weight this morning i was at 157.2lbs(71.3kg). basically just maintaining. i think a lot has to do with the fact that i'm super dehydrated because i've been drinking like a cup of coffee and that's it. with the exception of binging but that goes out with the purge anyway so it doesn't count. i'm going to try not eating solids for the rest of the day. i'm not going to promise but i'm damn well going to try.
oh and almost forgot to mention about the arguement. the bitch told me something about "you need to eat something" me "i don't need to fucking eat if i don't want to"
i hate when people do that honestly get off of my eating habits just because your emotions are controlled by the food you eat. yeah you may be loosing weight but that's how you do it not me. i'd love to say it's jealousy because it'll make me feel better but i think she just has an issue with the fact that i have my own way and it's not hers. i'm so done with the bullshit. but at least i feel motivated as fuck. after dropping her stuff off to her next week it'll be time to delete her off facebook and all other social networking sites.
i may not have many physical friends here where i live but i'd rather deal with randomly seeing my friends than putting up with someone like that for company.
which speaking of you guys if you'd like e-mail me your birthday and address because i'd love to send you guys something because maybe i'm sentimental because of this morning but seriously how i feel in this community is basically you've got my back and

 my e-mail is wantabethinsoon[at]hotmail.com

Rediscovered Song

I was playing my music randomly in Itunes today and this song came on:

I forgot how much i love this song these are the lyrics:
As I was walking through a life one morning
the sun was out, the air was warm, but
Oh, I was cold
And though I must have looked half a person,
to tell the tale, in my own version,
It was only then that I felt whole

Do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it

Fighting for the smallest goal: to get a little self-control
I know how hard you try. I see it in your eyes
But call your friends, 'cause we've forgotten what it's like to eat what's rotten
And what's eating you alive might help you to survive.
We went on as we were on a mission, latest in a Grand Tradition
And oh, what did we find?
It was Ego who was flying the banner, and me and Mia, Ann and Ana
Oh, we'd been unkind

But do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it

Fighting for the smallest goal: to get a little self-control
I see it in your eyes, I see it in your spine.
But call your friends,
'cause we've forgotten what it's like to eat what's rotten
And what's eating you alive, might help you to survive.

And even the nights, they could get better
And even the days ain't all that bad
And after a week of fighting, as more and more it seems the right thing

But do you believe in something beautiful?
Then get up and be it

Fighting for the smallest goal: to gain a little self-control
Won't anybody here just let you disappear?
Not doctors, nor your mom and dad, but me and Mia, Ann and Ana
Know how hard you try. Don't you see it in my eyes?
Sick to death of my dependence, fighting food to find transcendence
Fighting to survive, more dead but more alive
Cigarettes and speed for livin', and sleeping pills to feel forgiven
All that you contrive, and all that you're deprived
All the bourgeois social angels telling you you've got to change
Don't have any idea. They'll never see so clear.
But don't forget what it really means to hunger strike
when you don't really need to
Some are dying for a cause, but that don't make it yours.

And even the nights, they could get better.

man what to do but bow down on my knees with my face flat on the ground

*WARNING RATED NC-17 PARTS FOR SEXUAL AND WHORING CONTENT*
i apologize. and the fact that i'm even writing is already filling me with guilt. on one end i've been wanting to post but on the other end i'm like i haven't even caught up with all your blogs so i don't even deserve to post.
here's the way i'm going about it, i'm going down my subscribed list and alphabetically and starting to read where i last read each blog(i have to do it this way or i go loony one of my little ticks). this is time consuming but it's what i get for not reading. at least it's an enjoyable thing because i love reading your blogs and watching your vlogs. i'm not done yet i'm on your blog Lou which you can just get those skin colored knee-highs out and point the naggy lady finger at me because i deserve it (^_^)
so where do i start. first i should say why i haven't been around. i've been mentally exhausted. i've been doing the runaround meeting people (ok let's keep it real, a friend and my parents) these past two weeks and i know i didn't do much but i'm not used to doing things, before i went into the loony bin i was just at home and then with the move and all i was busy plus i don't know to many people here so it's kinda like woah sensory overload. it's hard leaving a life of hermitness (new word remember that shit) and being around people.
I mean i've been doing ok as far as restricting goes so i can't say to much on that. except yesterday and today but more on that in a bit.
oh warning this could be a rather long post...maybe depends on if i remember everything.
WEIGHT & FOOD
so on my weight i'll post official weight tomorrow but i've been staying in between 70.8 (my lowest ever since i don't know how long middle school?) and 72kg. Yeah i'm ready to get the fuck outta the 70's but i'm going to do it because this summer end of june i plan on being at my UGW or at least no more than 5lbs off so i can be hotness for my birthday (I'll admit now I see it as hotness when I get there it'll more than likely be a different story)
with a small exception i've mostly been eating salad. I also make my own dressing. Some mustard, oil, vinegar, and salt & pepper. It's good low cal and cheap lol.

EXERCISE
not doing so well but i'm walking everywhere i can. and I know Lou gave me an awesome ass pedometer but you think my scatterbrained ass would remember to put it on? no. of course not
DRUGS
I smoke pot only when my friend comes around I think I need to figure out a nickname for her because i'm dealing with her a lot, let's call her hmmm...ok not getting any inspiration dammit. but yeah i'm actually doing good i have thought about buying some but i don't want to act on that urge so i think i'm handling the consumption of it well. Let's call her PF
PARTYING & HOEBAG
so yeah last friday I went out. which i did really well because the first time ever i didn't gain, mainly because i didn't eat anything after returning home or on the way home. usually i get the alcohol munchies and chow the fuck down on something that is never as satisfying as it seems before i put it in my mouth. so i did good there. I had a great time dancing.
Mia-girly invited me out because i have no money so she fronted everything which is awesome but feels weird because usually i'm the one paying for everyone else and it felt kinda good but i do feel somewhat guilty. PF and her current affair were there too. which i was really drunk so i do the bump and grind on my friends which i think is perfectly acceptable among friends. but apparently i kissed her on the neck at some point. so she told me i'm a drunk bisexual ha ha. i like to think i'm just a drunk with hippie tendencies free love and all that. which i don't mind so much being called bisexual but why do we have to label it? same with lesbiens and gays. why label it? because they love someone of the same gender? really are you serious it's love or lust who cares as long as your satisfied with whichever genital you choose right? anyway tangent over now back to the night.
so at some point i started talking to some dude simply because i was kinda feeling 5th weely mia-girly was there with her man and PF with hers. so me and douchebag were talking blah blah sex is great no strings attached. at some point PF left (smart girl saying she was way to drunk, I don't even know when i hit the way to drunk point). Me and mia-girly go off to pee and take shots then we go dance in the house music area and make out on the dance floor (once again perfectly acceptable among friends would have been awkward had her boyfriend been around because he doesn't seem like one of the guys that would be down with his honey making out with anyone else chick or not. Anyway so I don't know to much else that happened but at some point i remember sitting in a cab with the douchebag (probably going to his place for you know what) and a bunch of other people and at some point we stop and everyone is just gone. me having no money on me actually (and mind you i didn't even share the coming part with my bestie) i offered the cabby to have sex with him since i didn't have money. i remember him coming up to my apartment but i don't know if i did anything with him i do remember him suddenly leaving so i don't know if i'm lucky nothing happened but just the fact that i did that wow how low have you sunk dylphe? well then i'm bored still drunk off my ass so i call mia-girly and then she comes over with these two guys. she turns on youtube and shizzle for music is dancing around one guy for her one for me (yeah her and her bf had a fight at the club). i don't mind being wing-woman (i'll explain my attitude towards sex later). well anyway nothing happens with her guy and i tried to have sex with my guy but i wasn't feeling it and he was all small i couldn't get into it, so mia-girly awesome as she is (her guy having left to go to the gas station to get something to drink) kicked my guy out. oh and let's not forget the quick make-out session with her in front of the guys who got upset because they were trying to get laid and we were all into each other ha ha. well then she calls a cab gives me the number for douchebag (in the club the plan was to go to his town one day and party there, drunk people make great plans *eyeroll*) i call him and he has the nerve to say that if i say to him and i quote (translated of course) "I want you to fuck me in the ass, and cum all over my face" then he'd come over. I ended up hanging up because although i may be willing to be a loose woman i have my limits because I choose when to be loose not the guy.  Then I went to sleep (by which time it was like 8 something in the morning). At 10 my parentals call to yell at me about the stuff i forgot to pack for mini-me and by 11:10 I was at their house still kinda drunk but putting up a bad ass sober performance.
The funniest thing about this whole thing is I didn't feel trashy or cheap after all of this. Which brings me to my attitude towards sex. it's just sex. it's unimportant i don't feel like it's a big deal i don't think it's this special thing to be treasured and i don't care if i put out. i don't know if i can put my attitude in words so it makes sense. don't get me wrong i'm not out whoring myself (exception of the cabby thing that was a first i swear). i used to be a really good girl but ever since i broke up with my last boyfriend (6 years ago, yes ladies i've been single way to long, and yeah you guessed right my daughter going on 4 is a result of unprotected sex during a one night stand, i might go over this another time when i'm in the mood to wallow in it). i just stopped caring and i kinda have the mentality of a guy in that aspect, especially with one night stands, i don't want to know your name, background, fave food, etc. and when we're done peace out holmes. in that aspect maybe i should have been born with a penis lol
My look for the night:

POSITIVITY & DRAMA
I've been pretty positive actually i've had my down days and moments where i realized how unnecessary my negativity was and I would just say "WOOOHZZZAAAHHH peace be with you homie sorry you're having a shitty day" in my head to whoever had the ability at that moment to piss me the hell off at the moment.
Day before yesterday PF started yelling at me over eggwhites. yes i was involved in an arguement over eggwhites that's the kinda drama i haven't even dealt with since i was in middle and high school.
here's what happened one evening we're talking on the phone and all of a sudden out of no where she starts yelling about how i'd promised to go to this one particular store (similar to sams club you need membership and i have it curtesy of my parents) and buy egg whites with her and i haven't done it all because on that day i was to lazy to go. and this bitch was yelling at me like seriously out of no where one second we're talking about one thing the next she's yelling about egg whites. and that incident with me saying i wanted to stay at home happened 2 weeks ago. and then she goes on and on and i start yelling back how i think it's ridiculous that she's yelling over some fucking egg whites because as many times as she's let me down and as many things as i've done for her that the one time i'm fucking exhausted and need time for me she's yelling at me. oh yeah i was pissed because i don't do drama i'm going on fucking 25 and i may not be as mature as i should be but i am way to grown for drama over fucking ridiculous shit. yeah that shit tore me up, put me in a bad mood, i mean i'm cool with her again because i realize she had a bad day and took it out on me (i forgive easily shit like that) but it still bugged me so that brings me to
B/P
so yesterday morning i was still bothered by the previous evening and i just knew i had to b/p to feel better. which made me really realize how much of a coping mechanism this has become for me. so i got back from dropping mini-me off and i decide i want to binge and purge. so i start my binge and PF calls to apologize about last night once more (she already did but once again) then she keeps me on the phone and i'm like i must purge in my head but i can't think of anything to get her off the phone and then what happens? my social worker lady came by and guess what i didn't get to purge. and all you mias out ther KNOW that this makes it worse. i then have to go meet another friend and her girlfriend because her girlfriends kid is about to start day care (they just moved in together and her girlfriend moved from another town) and they wanted to put me on the list for people who can pick their kid up so when both of their working schedules don't work out with pick up time i go and pick him up which leads to
MONEY
they want to pay me for this between 50-100 euros a month. which i need desperately. i've been absolutely broke this month my cell phone is cut off which is another reason for not reading blogs because i can't check the blogs while i'm out and about neither can i really tweet what i want. I had to pay for so much stuff these past two months that i can't pay bills and can barely buy food for mini-me and stuff. i made it by borrowing money from my moms. however my friend (one with the kid) gave me money which she's taking off the money they want to pay me so that was good and a big help but this just lead back to continuing the part on
B/P
yesterday i ordered a big pizza, chicken wings, and fries and binged and purged, then i ate some bread and a salad and purged that too. so yesterday i purged 2x. but it made me feel better and i was able to be positive again today.

I honestly believe in this positivity thing i mean yeah i have shitty days and stuff but i can pull myself out of them and try to turn it into positive thought, it's not easy but it gets easier each time. I also don't have to pay my mom the money back in cash but in labor which is good because i don't have money at the moment to pay her back with. but i know friday i'll have money again which is why the money thing isn't dragging me down as i normally would have expected.
Tomorrow i'm helping my mom, possibly meeting PF and doing some housework. A chill day.
Tomorrow will be a good day! I tell myself every morning that it'll be a good day and it helps.
Oh and I'm still catching up sorry but trust i'm always thinking about you guys also i found a light purple bracelet so this is what my right arm looks like all the time (never take them off except the big red one when i shower)

so stay strong guys i truly love you all and miss the interaction next week i'll also be on twitter and when i figure out how to get msn messenger on my phone i'll most def be available out and about as well.
MUAH