loss

however don't like to much how i did it....purging all day pretty much everything i ate went down the toilet which i've found i prefer standing up bent over purging. i'm usually a fat ass and kneel but ha i like standing.
anyway i'm at 162.3lbs (73.6kg) finally back in that range now the only thing i have to do is keep at it. i've been fucking up around this number in the past months. i can't do that  i still have about 20kgs to go before i list my ugw.
i didn't go to the doctor yesterday, i got an appointment for today but does me no good because i have no one to get mini-me from day care and that's not good. she's still in that phase where she's only there for limited times. that doesn't end until thursday so i might have to reschedule my appointment for then. which sucks but what can i do? nothing. nobody can go pick her up, or better yet the people i trust are either not picking up their phone or they have other things they HAVE to do. see this is why i need a guy. and with that i mean a support system...a support system that gets me laid.
stay strong
MUAH

it's a success when your hand smells like vomit

the scale did it's funky number thing again 73.6,73.7, 74, 74.1 kg.
I'm gonna go with 163.4lbs (74.1kg) and play it safe.
Today I have my appointment at the gyno. But I have to wait 15 minutes before I can make an appointment. They don't open until 8.
regarding the title, I know this will sound gross but when I purge and I don't get everything my hand'll just smell like food but when I get it all and hit the bile it smells like vomit. Yeah it's gross but that smell makes me happy. Especially with the stomach pain lately it just hasn't been possible. I can take a lot of pain, but it was just to intense a lot of time these past weeks.
Yesterday I ate kinda normal, but at my besties I drank soda and not the diet kind, however she doesn't have anything different and I can't get down with the tap water it has a funny aftertaste, and I don't trust tap water. I will drink mine though because when I put it on cold it's like fridge cold and then I can pretend I got it out of the fridge so it's ok. I also b/pd but when i was eating it felt dumb, it didn't taste good, i didn't want it i only did it because i'd already started and figured i'd make this purge worth it (is there any purge ever really worth it?)
Some good comments this weekend
My mom: you lost weight again?
Me: Like 3Kg
Mom: No you've lost more
Me: Not according to the scale and that's what I go by
Mom: No you've lost more it must be the bloating, your waist is so small

At my besties house
Her Neighbor: Hey can I get a ride to your city with you and your mom tonight
Me: I don't know, and I can't call her right now so I'll have to ask later
H.N.: Eeey you're not Dylphe
Me: WTF then who am I
H.N.: How much more weight are you planning to loose
Everybody laughs
I think: a lot more see that skinny chick (my bestie) yeah I'm trying to get down there
Glad everybody was laughing so I didn't have to respond, I don't like answering that question anymore. It's weird I don't want people to know where I'm trying to go. I'm now starting to get close to a healthy weight range and we'll see what happens when the loss continues past then. I'm looking forward to it but I'm scared of people's reaction when it isn't good.

THANK YOU for all your positive comments on the weight loss and things they are awesome.
@skinny_el yeah I do need to remember to keep eat days healthy if I do decide to do them.

Speaking of eating I asked for a rice cooker for christmas. although I did want to do the potato diet I found I'm to lazy for that shiznit (the peeling), so I see a new diet on my horizon. The rice diet. My bestie told me about a co-worker who is no super skinny after loosing her baby after having just lived off rice. With the rice cooker it's easy, rice and water in press the button. Won't have to worry about burning. Oh happy day

So I'll post after the doctors.

Stay strong
MUAH

Wuz up

So at my besties now her ass is sleep. I wish i could comment on your blogs but my phone is not having it.
I don't really know how my weight is and that's bugging me but i have to wait until tomorrow since my scale is fucked i'm scared to use anyone elses and since i slept at my moms yeah...
Last night i watched lie to me with my mom and funniest thing was when dude used hello kitty bandaids to bandage up. Its sp much better in english.
I ate like a normal person yesterday 3 times which is to much not cool tried to keep it healthy.
My mom says i look smaller than the 3kg i lost but i dunno i'm so bloated i look preggers so who knows.
Anyway signing off if its not to late when i get home i'll post
stay strong
muah

wtf happy news and THANK YOU

163.4lbs(74.1kg)
yes i lost weight despite being a little binge monster. let's go back down memory lane:
1 big bowl apple jacks w/ soy milk
2 plates tofu and green beans with garlic and soy milk
2 normal sized bowls apple jacks with soy milk
1 humongous bowl of apple jack with soy milk (this bowl was purged however)
some of you may not consider this binge worthy but none of this eating was planned, not even that humongous bowl. it's just apple jacks are very seductive to me. so i'll call it a binge because it's more food than i planned in
however i must keep in mind that just because i had a loss after eating it does not make eating ok for everyday. maybe like Honor I should allow myself an eat day.
A lot of you that I'm following have been so positive lately and it seems to have paid off, you guys are having success whether it's with your weight or with your life. I'm truly happy for you guys and it's helping me look at my future a little bit more brightly. although this path is filled with much darkness it is possible for us to be happy, find happiness, and all that jazz, we deserve it.
thank you for sharing your positivity

stay strong
muah
p.s. i might post again later today but i won't be posting tonight or tomorrow because i'm going to visit my besty, and since my mom is a nosy woman i'm not taking my laptop because she would be looking over my shoulder. i mean i'll be on my phone tweeting, texting, or fbing and she's trying to be all up in my business. i mean yeah if i was a teenager i could understand because there's just so much more crazy shit nowadays anyway tangent....

the situation (potentially TMI but I don't know when TMI begins so...)

so i went to the doctor today. let me tell you i felt pregnant again. he poked and prodded the stomach of course which was sooo painful, but anyway i had to give up a urine sample which was so orange i'm making myself drink A LOT today, and then I had an ultrasound. dude did not care about the cold. the whole time i was laying there i was thinking please don't let my stomach be all huge or anything from all the binging. well if it was he didn't say. anyway at first he thought i had a bladder infection but it seems i had a cyst on my ovary that burst, which can cause this kind of pain. he showed me what was my bladder and some black shadowy thing he said that wasn't supposed to be there and since it doesn't have a distinguishable form like a cyst it must have burst. i have to wait until monday to go to a gynecologist. but he gave me some antibiotics and maybe they'll help a little with taking care of it.
well that's what i get for not going to the vajayjay doctor for the last 3 years.
Today I'm eating normal, I just feel like if I have shit busted up in my stomach my body needs the nourishment and such. i mean i feel sooo guilty but i won't cave in and purge.
i've had a huge bowl of apple jacks (ok i couldn't resist those my mom got them for me and they don't sell them in german stores only on the military base), and i made tofu with green beans and soy sauce. so it's actually pretty healthy. i'm justifying the apple jacks with the fact that they have lots of fiber and that a few hours after eating them i took a huge (very painful) shit.
i don't know my weight because i don't trust any other scale besides mine (yes it's an untrustworthy bastard but at least i'm going to keep it consistent) so no weighing this morning. next weigh in tomorrow morning. i have no hopes really but my wish is that it's not a ridiculous gain.
another follower, thank you
well ladies and gents
stay strong
muah

Untitled

My only hope right now are those visible bones. I didn't do great today i ate tofu with soy sauce today on the bright side i didn't purge it and i won't be eating anything else because i'm spending the night at my moms and there's def none of that since her upstairs bathroom is getting renovated so she'll be using the downstairs one too.
Anyway i'm really going to go to the doctor tomorrow because murrr to this pain.
I weighed myself before i left the house and my weight hasn't fluctuated since this mprning just sucks i won't be able to get my morning weigh-in im.
Hope i have some reception on my phone at my mpms but i never really do
stay strong
muahe

Weigh In

164.2 lbs (74.5kg)
fucking gain
I knew my body and I were on a war path and today it's a perfect day for total destruction. However I'll have to keep it at a truce and see what happens today.
I was supposed to go to the doctor today but my kid is sick. NOT COOL. which means I can't take her to the day care to continue the getting used to it thingy. ughh...my ears hurt.
My body sucks ass cheeks...actually I wish it would then they wouldn't be so ginormous.
well i'd love to say i'm optimistic but i'm not.
i really need to go to the doctor but i think i'll have to push it off until tomorrow because it's cold, it's snow and i don't need my kid getting any sicker.
life's a bitch and then you die so fuck the world and let's get high...somebody wrote that on the music stand i was using in band, 7th and 8th grade. i wish i could get high right now. when life goes to shit i want to abuse a substance again. but i can't, i guess i'll just have to deal with reality.
i have a new follower...thank you

my day [edited because my computer posted before i was even done...bastard]

i am a huge disappointment and when it comes to my body a vindictive heifer!!!
so basically after putting mini-me down for her nap i was like ok i'm going to eat, so i ate some tofu with soy sauce. then i remembered oh i didn't want to eat so i purged.
well i went to the bathroom later that day (TMI WARNING) wipe my hiney and there's blood. i'm like WTF so of course I check to see what hole it's coming out of because yeah with the abdominal pain I wanted to make sure I didn't need to go to the hospital or something.
Well looks like my period is back and i just had it the last week in November. Well this evening the bleeding seems to have lessened a bit.
TMI ENDING
Well with all the above shit happening to my body aunt flo and the abdominal pain i got pissed at my body and just b/p ed a bunch of times. A lot actually and I don't think I was able to get all of it out, when stuff wasn't coming up anymore at all I wasn't tasting the bile like usual.
but yeah today I had revenge on my body and i probably made everything worse.
i actually think my problems come from the purging i know i need to stop but at this point i can't.
i'll probably gain.
i wish i could promise being stronger but i can't i'm sorry Fading Figure but no I didn't fast, i FAILED.
so hoping for more discipline tomorrow
oh and i'm going to the doctor tomorrow to figure something out about the pain.
stay strong(er than me)
MUAH

Time kill

Currently killing time my daughter has to go 30mins without me.
I'm sening this from my phone so i apologize for retarded spelling mistakes
i am so hungry right now but i don't have access to consumables so it's all good
my abdomen is still killing me i'm going to the doc this week my bestie said if i don't i can't come over sunday. It's more than likely something stupid harmless but i'm looking at worst case scenario and there needs to be so
e sort of procedure so i'm pretty much freaked right now.
Yeah hmmm don't have much to say however i might not be blogging saturday and sunday at the most quick updates
stay strong

Weigh In

162.5lbs (73.7kg)
i'm getting happy here loving the restriction more than ever
however last night it did end in a mini b/p...i couldn't say now to the pineapple and then other shit just pile on top you know. I also think i made the pineapple ok with the fact that i walked like 2 miles yesterday (1 to and 1 from the daycare)
that's the hardest thing i deal with, i do physical activity and think it's ok to eat. it's not at all. so since i'll be walking like this 5 days a week (exception of holidays), i need to remember that it's not ok.
i think the walk helped in the weight loss since yesterday since i'm usually a lazy bum.
oh well i need to stop writing i have to get mine-me and myself ready to go. i do not feel like walking through the snow hope they shoveled/swept it already

alright a recap

i think i ate way to much today, yes i'm certain i consumed less than 500 cals (no binge not even a mini one but a purge included) in food but i'm trying to be restrictive so i feel i have to be a food nazi about it (and no pun intended since i am german or maybe you could just blame it on my heritage except we've moved on from jews to food ~~ok that might have been in bad taste...deal with it ^_^). And there's also this hunk of pineapple still sitting in my fridge that i really want to consume but really shouldn't.
first off thanks for all the lovely comments guys. but you know what i love more than your comments? your blog entries seriously i do. i mean yeah i do love the comments because let's be honest inside everyone of us bloggers is a little comment whore who loves the validation that our posts are being read. and i'm trying to be better at commenting on people's posts. however i must say i love reading your blogs i honestly sit there and refresh my dashboard all day just to see if anyone posted. makes me sound sad? yeah i'll admit it i have no life. but it's like watching reality tv except you don't wish for shit to hit the fan (in this case a weight gain for most) but you're hoping for them to be successful (a loss, or a sense of control or both, or just general good stuff happening non ed related).
back to the comments though i have it so i get it e-mailed to me when somebody posts, why has hotmail been putting the updates in the junk folder lately. it's not junk it's pure awesomness hitting the mailbox, stop being a bitch hotmail.
so i've decided to use my msn messenger (wantabethinsoon(at)hotmail.com)for anyone that wants/needs to talk/rant/bitch/whatever and it doesn't have to be food related because although that's a lot of what we are about it's not all of it. I can't promise stimulating conversation because the reason i don't really use messenger is because at some point my conversations fizzle out into akward silence...or should i say emptiness since it's not really sound. i lack conversational skills, but yeah just so you guys know...
i guess i just want to connect more with this community because nobody else really gets it. plus i've probably told you guys more than anybody i know. i mean i got mia-girly but although i can talk to her usually it just turns into a binge fest minus the purging when she comes over. it's the whole oooh let's eat together feel guilty but not do the bad thing that we're both trying to stop doing. i love her but i guess two mia's in that situation aren't the best mix. however i'm trying to leave that life behind. not her just that lifestyle.
i really need to quit i might have seen blood in my purge today but i'm hoping something red got mixed into the potato salad by accident. i see what it's doing to me and two bloggers Phantom and Avani posted about the bad effects of mia today (let's not forget all the comments i've gotten from people over time thanks) and it's almost like a sign to me except the logical part of my brain isn't winning at the moment.
well love all you guys
stay strong
muah

EDIT: won't be on messenger tonight though because i have to handle some things in my household so yeah

you don't want to be a fat kid

see this is why kids develop eating disorders...this "sorta" love
it can also work later in life when it eats (no pun intended) at you that your dad tells you you're fatter than your step-sister and her boyfriend put together (true story kid you not)

quick post suggestion

Phantom's post is just great. she tells you about the danger mia causes so all of you out there indulging in the b/p cycle and don't really know what's happening read it. i liked it. i'm to far down to really have this deter me but maybe if i keep this in mind it'll make leaving that bitch behind easier.

woot woot

164lbs(74.4kg)
ok this is the easy part getting down into the 74s but I can't seem to get below it i seem to fuck up. i know this is just that quick weightloss because i went from basically binging to restricting. i know i can keep going today but sunday i'm going to my besties house but since my abdomen is still in so much pain i have an excuse. i know i need to go to the doctor but i'm going to wait until mini-me goes to daycare by herself next week to make and appointment because quite honestly she doesn't need to be there it's boring for a kid. plus i've been scarred with joining my mom into the doctors office. i had to go to the gyno with her and they did something where they used a camera (could've been ultrasound but i was somewhere between the ages of 6 and 8) yeah so i got to see the inside of my moms vajayjay which i know is natural but does a kid really need to see that? i know it's not the case at the regular doctors but just in case he decides it'd be a good idea to stick a camera in places....you know? i don't know, i have a lot of mental scarring from when i was a kid concerning the female body and sex thanks to my mother. maybe i'll get into that one day...any way where i was going with the pain was i can use it as a valid excuse not to eat. so yeah. because if i fall off this routine i can't just start all over again. i need at least 2 weeks on this in order to have the discipline to eat like a fat ass (normal in some people's term) and return to eating like a good girl that i know i can be and am being.
oh yeah the laxitives worked this morning...i took them around noon yesterday. they take 6-12 hours my ass. about 19 hours. but it might have helped i don't know. if you're tempted to eat chocolate but shouldn't just think shit looks like chocolate or chocolate looks like shit....(i check my toilet paper when i wipe...tmi sorry) so yeah think twice. i'm warning you as long as i'm feeling restrictive i might pick certain foods i feel i could possibly get into and make them sound gross

so here's the gist of things

i went to my appointment this morning to talk about my future working and stuff then found out it's the wrong agency because i've already learned a trade. great fucking bureaucratic fucktards. not only does it take forever to get shit done they can't get shit done right. doesn't help that i'm still in abdominal pain however i went and got some drops today, yes laxitive drops i took them earlier and i hope they do the trick because i'm not doing to well with this pain.

so i think like 2-3 posts ago i wrote a letter to food. oh yeah i was sincere. today i went to my daughters new day care to sign paperwork and shit and afterwards i asked my mom to stop at the grocery store. i wanted to get cigarettes bananas and something low cal i could eat. i'm feeling like starvin' marvin because besides the two little pieces of my daughters pretzel (one when i bought it and one when i contemplated finishing it off but didn't because it made me feel ugh) i've eaten nothing solid today.
so i'm going in the bananas look like shit, i'm sorry as much as mini-me wanted some i'm not paying for bananas that come with a free serving of fruit flies. so then i saw the pre-cut pineapple and bought one of those. i then scrounged around by the tofu area and i wanted to buy some flavorized tofu (you know with peppers or some shit) but then it didn't have the calorie label. and so i start walking around looking for something quick easy and low cal checking all the labels and seriously just trying to find something that wouldn't let me go over 500cals. reading everything, so eventually i bought some overpriced tortillas with some guacamole dip. the dip ain't that tasty but it's spice one plus point, had 2 tortillas 140 cals each. so not to bad. but anyway i was finally grocery shopping with a restrictive mind. not a what can i binge on mentality but a oh no, to many cals in this to many cals in that. it felt great. then i took a picture of this:

those Nutella jars besides being freakishly expensive have 1400g in them, 1.4kg, 3lbs. And then people wonder about the growing obesity rate. Monster jars of chocolate poison that sorry just because the german national soccer team makes commercials for it doesn't mean it's good for you.
oh yeah i've got the restrictive mentality back for now and it makes me happy. i have to get out of the 70's and head closer to the 50's because there's no way in hell i'm going through the same weight struggles all of next year. fuck that shit. it's not happening.
My rules
RESTRICT
RESTRICT
RESTRICT
anything to much
PURGE
PURGE
PURGE
attempt to start a fast. which i wanted to join Fading Figure but I have to go to my daughters day care with her all week and I don't want to risk dizzyness with all those children around. once she starts going and i just drop her off it's on.

oh and at the grocery store some teen bitch decided to say "she could have said excuse me." now i don't know if she was talking to me but i had to go behind her again real quick to get my nicotine sticks and she looked at me and i just gave her the i-wish-you-would-bitch look. she was quiet after that so i'm guessing she was referring to me however i don't remember being rude in anyway because i'm not a rude person and i always say excuse me even though somtimes i wonder why. yeah i wish she would have i could've taken her ass, all it woulda taken is my lard ass sitting on her and she would've been done. These cramps make me angry as if i was pmsing so i'm feeling unusually hostile toward human kind.

oh forgot to mention this morning i'm walking through town to get to my bus stop and this extremely skinny chicky with like a huge gap between her legs and i mean like a toddler could walk inbetween her legs while she's standing normal walked past. she was gorgeous and then she lit a cigarette. it makes you wonder doesn't it how many people suffer from disordered eating. i mean i'm not saying she does because i doubt i have an e.dar (e.d.+radar) but just saying
that's it for now
stay strong
muah
p.s. sorry for the jumbledness

Weigh In

My stomach is still causing me problems but the weight is going down yippee
167.1lbs(75.8kg)

so yeah busy day today depending on energy levels i'll post an update tonight

i can't find some important paperwork which sucks ass
stay strong
muah

murr why do i even bother (just venting no need to read)

on my landline i have a flat rate that i pay 3,95 euro extra a month so i can call
Poland, Greece, Italy, USA, Czech Republic, UK, France, Switzerland, Austria, Portugal, Spain, Netherlands, Belgium, Denmark, Canada, Norway, Sweden, Ireland, Luxemburg, Australia,
Andorra, Liechtenstein, Monaco, San Marino, and the Vatican unlimited and for no extra costs.
Obviously I only call the states, and there it's only two friends that I'm still in touch with from high school. seriously why do i bother those heifers are never available and we don't talk a lot once every 2 months maybe. they have lives so it's kinda hard especially considering the time difference.
Why would I need to call the vatican? maybe i should prank call the pope ha ha. I'm stuck with this service for two years...murr.
I just felt like complaining and I obviously can't complain to my friends because they aren't picking up the phone...so yeah i just wasted however much time it took you to read this. sorry
oh i started watching glee it's so cheesy i love it

A letter

Dear Food,
I think it's time me and you end this relationship.
I appreciate all the fun moments you've given me. The sensations on my tongue, and going down my throat. Seriously there was a time where I truly enjoyed you. I loved you I worshiped you, I'd do anything to be with you. However lately all you've caused me is pain. I'm tired of feeling guilty, I'm tired of all the fat you've given me. I know you meant well in your own selfish way. You just wanted to be consumed and experienced. I can't get myself to love you anymore, all I can do is hate. I can't enjoy you no matter how tasty you are. The last straw is this lower intestinal pain I've had for the past week. You whispered sweet nothings of feeling better but consuming you has made it even worse. I might come back to you on occasions but know this, we are over. All you'll ever be is a booty call, a cut friend, something I'll come to only in times of dire need. I can't say I won't fall for your sweet, salty, spicy, sour, juicy seductions ever again but I will fight you. Just know it's me not you. You have plenty of other connoisseurs, you won't be lonely there's enough obesity in this world.
I hate you.
Sincerely,
Dylphe


in other news another follower wow it's been a record weekend. I feel so honored thank you soooo much. And as I always offer to everyone follower or not, if you want a whore out on my blog just let me know. Post a comment shoot me an e-mail, whatever works for you.
Love you guys.
Here's to hoping no more binging, I finished off all the binge foods in my house (followed by purging of course which I didn't get all of it out thanks to the pain in my lower abdomen). I won't be seduced. I plan on feeling superior to all the chunk-monkeys out there who don't give a damn and don't try.
I drank more than a gallon in liquids today, I only peed twice. Yeah you read right twice. And it was pathetic. I am so bloated. I think I'll have to invest in some laxitives and water pills if my stomach stays in so much pain. It's been a week already what's really going on? Ugh I wish I was a spirit or ghost and those things just didn't concern me....
Stay Strong
MUAH

so weight this morning 167.99lbs (76.2kg). Mia has not failed me this time around. Oh yeah take that swollen throat I mad you suffer but it was worth it. oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah yeah yeah.
I got a bunch of followers. wow i've never gotten so many at once. THANK YOU I LOVE YOU. I just want to point out that if I started following you it's not because you started following me. I actually sat there and read your whole blog to see if it was something I could follow back. With that I mean am I willing to read this all the time. Which usually I am. In the early days I didn't always take the time to check my followers blogs because I was still trying to catch up with the blogs I was following. Since I'm currently looking for more blogs to follow but I'm to lazy to look for them, I do sometimes check out linkage in posts or when somebody posts a comment on somebodies page i'm like let me check their blog. I love new followers because it means new blogs to read. I'm really trying to get back into my disciplined vibe and if that means reading blogs all fucking day so be it.
I'm actually hoping to naturally have it easier because monday i have a filled day and that is always awesome. i feel to much shame to eat in public by myself, i feel watched and judged on my fatness.
Speaking of inspiration need reverse thinspo? check out People of Walmart it's the funniest shit ever. I'm glad I won't ever fall victim since I can't go to Walmart over here. I finally checked it out so TearsandSorrow this link is also for you since I wrote in the comment to you reverse thinspo works for me sometimes.
Uhmm yeah I can't promise that this is my last post for the day but this is it for now.
Oh I'm seeing people vlogging...do I dare make a vid and join the cool kids? idk we'll see if I have the balls or ever find something to talk about.
I'm really thinking of fasting so whenever somebody is doing one let me know I'll try to join depending on my schedule and if I have to eat anything because I'm doing something with parentals or friends and such. but i'll try. I just don't think if I say I'm gonna fast I'll pull through so I'll wait for someone else to start and be a follower ^_^

ok absolutely last post...for today or rather this waking period

ok here's my pics hope the size alignment is ok i'm to lazy
sorry for the bad quality but these are pictures from my cell phone taken from print pictures i know some people may not remember disposable cameras and such lol
love you guys i'm signing off here
MUAH

my senior yearbook pic

in 9th grade i thought i was hot shit i see that now i'm just like how fucking fat

me age 3 just thought i'd add that one in there picture this in white with light eyes and light brown hair and you've got mini me...well a little slimmer but just a bit

senior prom

senior year i think the shirt says warning curves ahead

homecoming junior year let's not even talk about those disgusting thighs and to think i thought i was hot shit back then oh ignorance is bliss

junior year

junior prom

10th grade