Let's not talk about food

i want to talk about where i came from as far as loosing weight and such goes i hope if i recap i'll get some of that discipline back this could be boring so feel free not to read...well you're free to not ever read anything i've posted but i'm very appreciative of you guys reading and i love you for it...well i also love you for being you
i used to be a happy big girl, at least on the outside, i'd always wanted to loose weight but since i was a lazy fucker i never did and just got content at being a fat ass. Pre-pregnancy I usually swayed around 98-103kg after coming back from college before college in 12th grade i was like 83kg and i only know that because i had to get my physical for college and the scale was set to kg and some cute nurse guy was weighing me and i was so embarrassed. so yeah i've been struggeling with poundage for a good while just i was in denial about it. plus in high school i was the girl with the booty and the boobies. i used to hang out with the black people so yeah it was actually a good thing to be "thick" whatever i was fat but hey i guess guys'll like what's available. (In an overseas military high school with only about 600 students there's not as much options as in an actual stateside high school)
well i used to be all about super skinny chicks needing to eat etc. and i think it was senior year i read Skinny Bitches are Evil by Mo'Nique which I guess just gave me validation in being a big girl. however i must add that she does say in her book even if you are big you need to be healthy (which to me now is just an oxymoron), also I watched Real Women have Curves around that time so yeah all about big girls are it.
however i will also say when i was a fatty i never had stretch marks, i had cellulite but no stretchmarks or muffin top for that matter, my belly was fat but i could suck it in and play it off, i didn't have back fat either. post pregnancy all that changed my stomach sags no matter how much weight i loose stretch marks all over it and even on my vag(tmi sorry). my boobs hang way low (do your boobs hang low do they wobble to the floor can you tie them in a knot can you tie them in a bow) they're like empty sacks, and my skin can't hold together like it used to.
then i got pregnant and gained a shit load of weight. i started as a pregnant woman who said i only need to eat enough nutrients not food for two, then that kinda morphed into a constantly empty stomach and eating for like 20 people. I gained like 70lbs during my pregnancy.

the belly during pregnancy you see those stretch marks?

After giving birth i was breast feeding and still eating for 20 saying it's ok i gotta make the milk. however after i weaned my kid off in january 2008 (yeah it was to early in my eyes i wanted to go 6 months but mini me decided she should get teeth at 3.5 months and laugh after she bit the shit outta my nipple and i screamed so she lost that privilige) that's when i weighed myself the first time i was weighing 118kg whaat that's when i kinda just started eating less cutting out the junk food and juices. so i lost some weight by summer 2008 i was weighing 109kg. I think i was just trying to get back to my high school weight. then i kinda plateaued and started eating again because i'd ordered some diet pills and was waiting for them to get in before i got "serious again"
somewhere along the line i bought a scale in the fall because i think it was cold. when i stepped on the scale again i was at 115kg and i was shocked like what the hell happened? so then i just started purging my food. which was hard i had to train myself because no matter how far i stuck my hand or toothbrush down my throat i couldn't do it so it started with me just heaving until it came up. until eventually i started using my banana clip. i lost a bit of weight restricted my food to like 500 cals a day. i remember the loss of control again on halloween 2008 i got really drunk passed out in the club had to go into their infirmary got vomit all over my wig just a bad party night and what made it worse it was the first time to a club since the birth of my daughter. needless to stay i started gorging myself again, then thanksgiving came and my parents went all out and also invited people to a potluck ughhh. the next time i stepped on my scale i was 122kg. 2009 was basically a year of attempting weight loss, kinda restricting going up and down in weight. then i met a chicky and we kinda talked about weight loss and i got super motivated. i was helping out in my parents store and my mom would be there and i'd ask to borrow her car under the pretense of buying diapers and go home to my house and purge lunch. i think when i started the blog i was in the lower in the upper 80's i'm not quite sure.
yeah so i used to do good in order to get where i am now. but i've been straying.

Now I see fat people and I think get with the program but then I think well I'm fat and trying maybe they are to. However when I see a fat person gorging themselves I'm disgusted. You are not trying by eatin 3 heaping plates at the chinese buffet because you'd be to ashamed to do it in public. I'm also jealous to be honest. It's impossible for me to have such a relationship with food to where i don't care about what i consume anymore. Also sometimes I see fashion indiscretions (I'm talking about skirts to short or shirts to tight) made by fat people and I'm like OMG that's disgusting looking I used to walk around like that how could I and think i looked great. talk about the mirror being a lying bastard.
I see skinny girls and where I used to think I'd love to be that size I think wow great but i wanna be smaller, her thighs are a bit to fat for me to pull it off but looks great on her, look at the muffin top it's cute on her but i couldn't pull it off that's for sure.
I've entered the you can never be to thin mentality. Now I just need to back that shit up with actions
i'd love to post older pics but i have to scan them first and i don't have a scanner maybe i'll take some pics of the pics once mini me is in bed and post them later.
sorry i've been posting a lot lately...i have no life but it's also to make up for the possibility that once i start working again i won't be posting for a while. because i haven't been used to that lifestyle in a loooooooooooong time

omg

i don't know why but i just binged on a lot of bread
i need to purge like it's so bad i'm shaking right now but i can't mini-me is in there brushing her teeth. i love that she's so cleanly but hell momma needs to regurgitate. aaaahhhh
i didn't want to do that today but i leave this crap in i don't know what i'll do freak out maybe be an angry heifer all day something
aaahhhhhh must purge i'm so tempted to grab the trash can and go close the door in my room and go at it
never done that before but desperate times call for desperate measures. i will be leaving the house today and buying the stuff i forgot about yesterday mostly because i need the exercise all the stores are in walking distance and although i can't walk at my preferred speed (power walk i hate walking slow) since i got mini me tagging along it's movement which i need. ughhh. a friend offered to come by and drive me to do the shopping but she's sick like me and i didn't want to say it but i don't want her getting mini me sick, not everyone is willing to "embarrass" themselves and wear a face mask in public.

why can i not control my binging. where is my trigger i can't find it. i'm not hungry, i'm not craving, i don't have an appetite but i still feel the need to stuff myself until it feels like my stomach will explode and shit is being pushed out (gross sounding i know)
i've tried all the tricks i know to keep from binging but they don't work there's a monster in there pushing me.
maybe someone should pray for me...but then again that would be wrong i don't really believe in religion. i'm spiritual yes but organized religions don't work for me. however if you believe that's awesome i actually admire your ability to have faith in something regardless of how many holes people will try to poke in it to make you loose that faith. however if your faith makes you unhappy (i'm talking about the faith not the fellow faithful ones) it's probably time to evaluate...wow i just went off on a tangent sorry. ok blogging ain't helping it's gotta come out fuck swollen throat, kid in bathroom, etc.
be stronger than me
MUAH

Good Morning

yeah so I stepped on the scale today. GOOD IDEA. It's ugly but it's the truth that I needed to see. I've been binging and purging but it's obviously not doing me any good. why? because my throat's so freaking swollen that one i can barely get my fingers in and two stuff has a hard time coming back out. i think i won't leave the house today i have a feeling that if i do go out and go buy the stuff i forget yesterday i'll buy binging foods and that's a bad idea. i'm still wanting some ice cream. i can't purge until i'm better, and i know i should purge again never. but that's not much of an option i lack that will power once i get my restrictive will power back i know i can kick that habit because i won't need it anymore.
Lola thanks for the translation i know my fahja will want to know what it is and the well wishes
Fading Figure thanks for the kick in the ass and following me i'll be reading your blog shortly

oh yeah my weight...I got three different weights everytime I stepped on and since it went up each time i chickened out and stopped at the third try
169.3lbs (76.8kg)
169.5lbs (76.9kg)
169.99lbs (77.1kg)
all three are gross

Wow

it's seriously almost the end of the year. right now on tv they are showing the top 50 songs of the year over here.
i don't know how to look at this past year. it's not ending on the best foot considering my weight. i'm seriously thinking about getting my parents to fund me a gym membership for christmas. with mini-me starting day care it won't be impossible.
oh at the docs i found out i have angina (or however it's spelled that's the german name no clue what it is in english) anyway i'm contagious for another half a week.
face mask do me proud. and yes i did wear it out the house today. some people looked at me with pity thinking i probably had like something really serious.
so i'm taking antibiotics and i'm still enjoying great binging and purging. i want ice cream. i think the cold will feel good on my throat. murr
anyway just felt like updating
stay strong
muah

I'm bored

so back at random anorexics and they posted a link to the Starbucks Oracle
My drink is a Tall Chai Tea Latte with Soy Milk and this is what it told me about myself
Personality type: Hippie

In addition to being a hippie, you are a hypochondriac and a health nut. You secretly think that your insistence on only consuming all-natural products is because you're so intelligent and well-informed; it's actually because you're a sucker. You've dabbled in Wicca or other pseudo-religions that attract morons and have changed your sexual orientation a few times this year. You probably live in California. Everyone who drinks tall chai tea latte with soy milk should be forced to eat a McDonald's bacon cheeseburger.

Also drinks: Beverages with lots of marketing that says they're herbal and organic
Can also be found at: Whole Foods, indoor rock climbing facilities

so cruel trying to force me to eat a bacon cheeseburger

da di da di daaa

so i'm def going to the doctor today. i can't swallow. and i don't mean it just hurts to swallow but i'm freaking scared to drink something because of the swallowing.
oh yeah do the running man, do the cabbage patch, break it down old school style.
i mean it fucking sucks don't get me wrong but not being able to consume things is just what the doctor ana ordered. Forced fasting which I know is totally cheating, it's not having any control but hell i'm hoping for the jump start. I'm gonna stay off the scale until after i get better just because i know i'm fat and my stomach is still cramping up. maybe it just needs no food for a while to feel better. i bet you that's what it is. the christmas holidays are scaring the shit out of me right now.

i can't wait till my kid goes to day care i'll have to do like a 20minute walk just to get there from my house because the bus doesn't go there. according to google maps it's a 1.1 mi walk. AWESOME
ok i gotta go call the doc
oh and thank you for your comments i love all of you guys and i don't know why i get so busy i can't post because i actually miss you guys

sooo

i know been posting like crazy however call it making up for all the time i didn't

so when i hear "have you lost weight" i get angry. it's like yeah muthafucka i lost weight i lost a shit load of weight, according to the numbers anyway. but then it strengthens my resolve because if you have to ask then obviously it's not enough.
i'm just saying
i know it's random but my throat is killing me and i hear something like an echo from any noise making it hard to sleep and this just came to me.
it's like a white noise echo.
a normal echo goes
ECHO
echo

mines is like
ECHO
krrrrrrshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (pretend you're hearing that noise but it sounds like it's saying echo...if that makes sense)

yeah super weird don't know what's going on but def going to the doctor i'm fucking contagious. my besty has this (she had it first) and now mia-girly has it (don't know when she got the symptoms) and those are the 2 people i spent most of my time with this past week and a half they are both on antibiotics, i hate meds, give me over the counter shit that'll help me DESTROY my body not that some pharmaceutical company wants me to take to make me "better". fucking great man. i've been sick way to much lately. if i had been good on following ana's orders i'd be like yeah i understand but this, this is just fucking ridiculous.

3rd post for the day what's really going on...

sorry guys (and the ones you're following) i'm like spamming your recently updated box
so yeah major b/p session in the happening. i don't even want to stop. i should my throat is screaming bloody murder but it's just a virgin scared of its second time. you know sex isn't perfect the first time (first few times or ever) either. so shut up bitch i will purgically rape you (i hope i offend no rape victims because in no way do i approve of that sick shit)

warning warning non-ed related could potentially bore your socks off since its about my kid

so i got super duper good news i got another day care spot at a closer day care that also does bilingual shit so the kids also learn english (which very beneficial since grandpa's german is going to teach my mini-me bad grammar, so let's keep it in his lingo although its very nice how hard he tries even if we've told him to speak english to her so she can learn it. the doc told me one language a person i chose german duh we're in germany tangent tangent sorry) plus i really like the way they feed the kids, they make everything themselves (even the bread), meat only once a week, and everything organic. i love it. i can't really afford organic food but i'm all about my kid eating healthy because honestly i don't want her to be an obese kid suffering because she ate wrong in her youth. also she doesn't have to be fully potty trained like at the other one because we are having a battle of the wills however we're getting there and this is going to sound kind of pathetic but i had to bribe her ass with food. yes it contradicts everything i said before about healthy non-obese kid but i got tired of her peeing on my floor and although i see nothing wrong with a deserved spanking i'm not going to beat my kid onto the potty. sorry she gets spankings for things like climbing on my glass table (it could shatter and impale and kill/maim/seriously hurt her), touching the stove while on (i have enough burn scars she doesn't need any), not for peeing on my floor that evokes a yelling banshee out of me because at some point its just enough. sorry for the parenting tangent but i'm happy about my luck with day care. which it really is full time at least until 6pm in the evening meaning i could get a real job somewhere not just a job that is for 2 hours. i could get a 9-5 woot woot...oh i'm celebrating i have to find one of those first huh? damn recession.

post frenzy & get tested

i'm reading through randomanorexics.com and they posted this video

so funny
"if you have anorexic"
bwahahahahaha

so here's to knowingly being a dumb ass

so yesterday my friend came over (remember mia-girly i mentioned when i was in the hospital? well we are friends). we had a binging session but didn't do the do, the it, the thing, the purge. so feeling guilty this morning i finished of the rest of the chips in the bowl and half of the other one i'd bought and purged. kind of like making up for not doing it last night. i just had this need to purge. i have a sore throat remember? but if punishment isn't painful what's the point?
so yeah as i'm going in for the purge i realize damn it my throats fucking swollen and i could barely get my fingers in. (oh i'm thinking of deflowering here, the pervy mind is working) and i have to ease into a purge...never done that before. so yeah the actual coming up actually doesn't hurt that bad and i'm going and going and then a blood and chips combo. damn it this virginized throat couldn't handle the hand. i really don't think it's the typical blood in vomit i think i scratched my throat in the process. damn it. well i got most of it out and feeling a lot better. but i don't think there'll be much eating going on today which is a good thing. swallowing hurts like a bitch. mostly liquids i'm thinking...hoping.

(yeah i rock a face mask when i'm sick)

sick dumb ass signing off
stay strong
muah

food porn soooo cute

ok so you've been warned it's a japanese pudding commercial but i think the son is so kawaii that i decided to make it my ringtone


oh and the gender freak out is more because i don't want my kid to feel like she can't be what she wants so i'm probably overreacting. i just don't want my kid to feel pressure into being something she doesn't want to be. granted my sexuality i never had a problem with since i'm straight but as far as scholastically and what i want to be there's always been immense pressure to please the elders. i was expected to go into politics (seriously i was a politics nerd all through high school) and i lived up to that until i moved from germany to the states to study and my depression hit really hard and somewhere i just decided i'd go from being the great hope of the fam to the black sheep, returned to germany and everything kinda spiraled down from there...anyway, thanks Honor for your comment!!!
Pudi Pudi Pudi Pudi Pudi Pudi

well well well

so i might have to postpone the potatoe diet but for a good reason, i have major sore throat which i kinda soothed with some tea right now but i can taste tlhat cold taste in the back of my throat. i hope it's so bad consumption of food will be extremely painful. my besty just had this cold it started the day she returned home and she lost like 3 kg in the past days from extreme sweating and lack of food consumption. she was like i'm 50.something kg right now. i'm like aww it'll come back don't worry. she knows my issues with food but she doesn't know how bad it is for me. in my head i was like (you lucky bitch and you want to gain weight, i wish i was there, i wish i had the luxury to wish for more weight). she doesn't know how triggering such low numbers can be for me, and she won't because i'm loving the motivation.
ok i know this is sick but sometimes when i eat foods i wish for food poisoning. i hope that something went wrong in the production and it's gone bad. i leave things out of the fridge to long on purpose (obviously only food that my mini-me doesn't consume). I know that's pretty sick. if i do have a boiled egg i'll purposely leave it undercooked just a bit in hopes maybe something to make me sick survives. Yeah I know this is totally the most retarded shit ever. But I never claimed to be sane. I know food poisoning isn't a joke, I mean I've never had it but plenty people I know have. truth be told i'm jealous of them. i feel really bad for them and wish i could transfer it to me, but not because i don't want them to suffer but because i want me to suffer.

ok this is sorta non related maybe some fellow parentals or people with the experience can help me out. sometime mini me comes to me and says she's a boy. i know sometimes she's just being silly because she'll say she's a girl but i don't know maybe she does feel like a boy. i don't wish transgenderedness (is that a word?) on my kid because i know people who do have it often have to go through great emotional pains but if that's how she feels i don't want to be like NOOOO YOU'RE A GIRL. i mean right now i'm like i thought you were a girl, this morning she replied no i'm a boy. i don't really know if i should write this off as 3 year old sillyness or what, because if she does feel that way i want her to feel the freedom to be who she is. am i overanalysing this because my parents didn't believe me about my depression when i was like 11 or 12 and wanted help. murrr...life is friggin hard man. i just want to skip through it all carefree. i know everyone has problems but all the peoples on facebook that i went to school with seem so content on the surface with their college degrees, husband/wives, traveling the world, and awesome paying jobs. here i am single mom (from a one-night stand they don't know that of course), living off welfare, shit load of debt, a stint in a mental hospital which my mom blabbed all over facebook and the world...i know it doesn't make me less of a person but does logic really win? if i was all about the logic food wouldn't control 99% of my thoughts, the number on the scale wouldn't be holy, and the toilet wouldn't be my homeboy....urghhh sorry guys i'm a bit frustrated.

well on to continue catching up on blogs, which i'm so late on sorry guys. even if i don't comment i promise i actually do read all your posts even if it takes me forever to catch up. i don't skip shit. i read every word, it's just sometimes my literary akwardness keeps me from posting comments.
after i'm done catching up on you guys i'm going to read at Random Anorexics which I read about on Honor's blog. apparently there's some beef with fatties and i'm bent on finding it. i love drama, that's why i watch reality shows ^_^
Well Stay strong
muah
and i hope to update more once again

bad girl dylphe bad

ok so i'm scolding myself because
1. I have not posted in FOREVER
and
2. because i'm a fat glutton
I weighed myself at 75.5kg yesterday which is surprising because omg i've been the binge-monster come to life this past week and this week so far. anyway so since saturday night i've been feeling constipated and bloaty. in a bad way. sunday i couldn't even get up with out my whole lower body cramping up even peeing felt horrid. (i was not being the hostess with the mostest for my bestie, I bow down in apology (-_-) n(__)n) (TMI? i'm sorry but you know i like to keep it real lol) i'm still in pain. i haven't taken laxies in about 2 weeks so i don't know will 2 weeks of laxies do that to you? i don't know. well anyway monday i went to the pharmacy and told the lady i need some laxitives. this time it was for my actual ailment (ok weight loss is one too but you guys know what i mean) and she's like you just want something for one time that takes care of it quick, and i'm like yeah. so what do i get? oh the kind you stick up your butt. so i pushed it off all day but once mini me was in bed i went for it. it actually burned in my ass. worked immediatly and was no help at all. i'm not fucking with them any more. it's like giving my ass a temporary std. so yeah to this day i am still suffering and i've been eating like a pig thinking maybe if i put something in the top it'll like push that shit out. but no didn't work. so i'm not getting on the scale until this issue has been resolved.
so now i'm done with gorging my already bloaty constipated (hopefully no intestinal infection) ass. Starting tomorrow I'm doing the potatoe diet. Nothing but potatoes, seasonings, teas and MAYBE water. I loathe water I don't like the taste. don't come at me with the it has no taste. yes that fucker does have taste and me no likey. however i go through phases where i'm loving the H2O and where i'm hating it. i'm hoping for a loving it kinda vibe. i don't know how long i'm going to do it because if i say i'm doing it for a week i'll only do it tomorrow morning. i have to trick myself into thinking there are no rules. i've been feeling very anti-authority lately.

yeah so some of you may be hoping for update on the crazy party night. well at the club it was fun dancing and drinking until the blackouts. my friend told me i disappeared for an hour and a half and until last wednesday it was a complete mystery. because i sure as hell didn't (still don't) remember what happened. well anyway i get a call wednesday on my cell and the dude is like yeah did you lose your id. i'm like idk are you trying to get in touch with my friend (i'm thinking it's one of her friends who got my number because her phone had died). well anyway turns out i was the one. i was like i don't know i haven't needed it since then. he was like well you left it in my car. i'm like what when did that happen. he's like do you always get in cars with strange men. i'm like not normally i was pretty drunk quite a few black outs. he was like yeah we rode around in my car for like an hour and a half. *DING*DING*DING* missing hour and a half has returned not in my memory but we now know what happened. well needless to say thursday he drove all the way from the next city over (about 40 mins since it was evening) just to drop it off to me. yeah pretty cool. turns out i told him my life story and promised to cook for him. akward. well doesn't matter my friend was there at least. i don't plan on having any more contact with this guy because he's not my type. so if he wants to meet up hang out he's got my number. i don't call people. and that's not to sound stuck up but i really don't call people. i only call my mother, my besty and when i'm feeling really talkative my grandparents. oh yeah and i asked guy and there was apparently no sex. i don't think he would have lied about it, he seems like the guy who thinks that with stories like that sharing is caring.
enough on that
mini me finally has day care starting tomorrow we're going for short periods of time to get her used to it. i don't know how long that goes and then next year she'll go full time. can you believe how fast this year has gone by? this was supposed to be my year to get shit started and i guess i did. but wait where is my prince charming? where's the guy who'll hold me everynight? i guess 2010 into 2011 no kiss for me once again. it's ok it's not the end of the year quite yet.
ok sorry for the jumble of info but i really felt the need to share.
here's to me being strong on the potatoe diet
STAY STRONG
MUAH
oh and one new follower...THANK YOU

Gomen

I've been super absent lately had people staying over all week my besties here this weekend. Promise to update you guys next week when i get time for myself again.
small update
still a fucking fat ass and haven't been able to b/p just been binging....it's love hate when company comes. damn food it should DIE
will catch up on blogs when i got time to

bad girl

got super drunk last night, it's really just snapshots
took a guy home
bathed with him
dropped my cell in the bathtub
fucked him
smoked weed
did ecstasy
not all in that order

i don't know my weight
hope i burned lots of calories
i've decided to stick to mia but differently
i'm adicted to her it's love hate but you know what she's working for me at the moment

when i recover i'll make a better post as well as catch up

So restarting

once more been binging and popping laxies. not good i know. so today i've made this in an effort to start up my spreadsheet (I get my cals for unlabled foods from CalorieKing


my weight today was 166lbs (75.3kg) so it's up from the last time i checked in my weight. I'm going to start taking L-Carnitine capsules that I bought at a drug store here. It's supposed to turn fat into energy instead of letting it settle.

we'll see how it works. I'll make sure not to take in to much fat so it actually works on the fat in my body. You are supposed to produce it yourself or it can also be found in Lamb and Pork but I don't eat those.
I feel the discipline today let's hope it stays. The test comes when I'm cooking for mini-me.
Stay Strong
MUAH

vid

made the vid it's posted on the side
------>

horrible

did horrible today extremely horrible
b/p major
but at least that's all i had just the binge and liquids
^attempt at positivity
i found my thinspiration however
Tokyo Street Fashion
if you haven't figured it out yet i'm a total j-freak
anime, manga, doramas, music, fashion, language, etucah
but yeah it makes me want to work out, work on my hair bows (love making them) will probably start taking pictures once I get started again
japanese people's thinness kills my appetite and makes me want to reach my goal so i might just make some thinspo videos to post. the guys to they are hot so how could i expect to get someone like that being a whale? i can't so yeah thinspo thinspo thinspo
tomorrow is a new day not just is but it will be i need to start weighing and counting cals again
i'll try to stay in control but last night i was like you know i'm just going to hand myself over to mia...bad fucking idea that bitch is cunning
Phantom thanks once again for your comment it was also thinspirational
and guys you should follow her she's just starting her blog. hope you don't mind the linkage if you do let me know i'll remove it
anybody else need followers? let me know i'll link you, i mean i don't have a lot of followers but hey it's the help i can offer (*^_^*)

sooo....

yesterday my weight did not change at all. today i don't know because since I haven't been to the bathroom yet I can't step on the scale. until i've handled my morning business i just can't do it. it feels wrong then. i'm sure it's a gain yesterday i binged. i did well until i had to go to the grocery store and my kids pointing out the muffins and it was pretty much a downward spiral from there. some of it was purged a lot of it was not.
this is what i had but it may be triggering so i decided to make it unreadable unless you highlight so at your own risk:
lasagna
penne with gorgonzola sauce
1 chocolate & 2 chocolate chip muffins
2.5 pretzels with cream cheese
1 can of lobster soup tasted like lobster bisque with ravioli sauce (it was cheap so yeah)
a box of mozarella sticks
a box of jalapeno cheese nuggets

yeah so basically i did a major fail. i was supposed to go to an appointment for a lawyer to figure out the whole situation with mini-me's sperm donor but she's sick so i had to cancel
i hope i can be good today. i want to be good.

why mia is bad:

1. bad skin
2. bad hair
3. bad organs
4. knuckle abuse
5. loss of control
6. anger (for me i get mad if i get interrupted during a binge. i just want to binge in peace)
7. expensive
8. failing ana
9. greed
10. unallowed foods
11. eating foods designated for mini-me
12. bloody vomit
13. dead looking face (halloween is over don't you know)
14. turning to laxitives (it's a recent developement i wanted to just clear out but i've noticed i'm liking this a bit to much but hell i'm a very substance dependent person and i know they don't help with calorie intake however i have two boxes and i know i'll feel the need to use them both up before i can stop it's the same with food i must eat all food in my house binge designated i can't just let it sit there. i really need to just stop buying it)
15. dishes (more work for me)
16. disgusting toilet
17. chest pain

this is all i can think of for now but hopefully i can return to this list later to keep me from entering a b/p cycle though honestly i prefer b/p of just a binge.
well let me get this day started and once i've handled my b-room business i'll weigh myself which if it is a gain i won't be surprised i deserve that shit after yesterday. i can't seem to live the mid 70's and i really need to this is getting ridiculous time to enter the 60's it really is.
stay strong beauties
MUAH
and just so you know i'm still reading your blogs just i've been super typing lazy lately just know i love each and every one of you!!!!

Confusion

So today my weight is at 164.9lbs (74.8kg). Whaaat? I ate my weight in chocolate yesterday (not really but it was a lot, at least 1000cals just in chocolate). I did take laxies last night. Took about 9 hours to kick in. Recommended dosage is 1 or 2 so I took 2. Not as much as I was expecting came out but hey whatever I'm not mad.
I'm fitting into pants I haven't fit since summer.
So I've got to keep this one short, I have an appointment in an hour.
Stay Strong
MUAH