why do i have to be me
why do i have to be fat
why couldn't i have been born into a comfortable life
why me?
why can't i enjoy my life
why do i have to be me?
why do i purge instead of cry?
why do i HAVE to look down a toilet bowl to feel less disgusting?
why do i not feel surprised when i feel crusted up vomit on the side of my face?
why can i not love myself?
why really why?
it can't be all my fault can it?
i want help but i don't
i want to reach my goal before i get help. but i don't want to die before hand. i was thinking about it today, i live alone with just my daughter. if something happened to me what about her. she's only three she can't look out for herself. she shouldn't have to find my dead body somewhere. how long would it take before somebody came looking for me? before my mom panics and drives over to see what the deal is? i don't want that. but the fear is not enough to stop me.
i want to let mia go but i can't. it's like an abusive relationship and i'm the dumb bitch that holds on because somewhere i know mia loves me.
i'm sure i've mentioned it before but if you're reading this and you're only looking to loose some weight and aren't in this trap turn around now, and never come back. be healthy and happy.
i just finished a b/p and as i was staring into the toilet bowl these are the thoughts that came to me. it doesn't help that aunt flow is currently visiting and my emotional state is a wreck. i don't think the fact of what happened yesterday when i called my mom, and then today when she called me and the parentals were getting along just fine was any help.
I HATE MY LIFE
I want to pack my shit and just disappear. hitchhike into nowhere. leave my daughter behind because having a mother like me probably isn't going to do anything but fucking her up mentally.
but i can't i'm to weak. i love her i want her to flourish. i need to hit my goal and get help. i don't want help yet. sounds contradictory i know. i should put her first and i do except when it comes to the e.d. that's when i come first.
ugh why do i feel like i'm returning to where i was a year ago.
i need to see about going back to school. maybe if i had actual things to do i wouldn't have to much time to dwell on food and what my next b/p will be.
let me tell you the other day i went to the chinese place and got two large orders of take out. i made one big mistake though. i got only one mango juice. i think bitchface lady told the other lady hah she's getting this all for herself. i just have a feeling because she asked me if i really just wanted one mango juice. bitch yes. don't judge me. i hate you i hate me. GAWD.
i'm sorry for the depressing post.
oh p.u.s didn't come by today because day one of aunt flows visit is always horrendous.
stay strong thinnys
you are all on my mind, although i don't pray i have positive thoughts for all of you
MUAH
not too depressing, more just honest. i think we all feel that way sometimes, like disappearing. and its not always a bad thing. you'll find yourself, and you'll find your inner strength too.
ReplyDeletewhen you say you want help, are you talking about proper shrink sessions?
if so... there are other ways to help yourself in ways to suit your individual needs.
an ED isn't the problem, its only a symptom.
hope you feel better soon hugs
I feel like that too, "I will get help and calm down when I reach my ugw." But in reality we probably won't, it really is like a drug addiction or abusive relationship, an addiction in general, we say were going to quit when this happens but addicts say that all the time. I think because we've been through it we'll always have that e.d. in the back of our minds taunting us. Some people are strong enough to ignore it, I hope your one of them, I hope to see you get better too. :)
ReplyDelete