suggestions

i've found what's eating you online
Episode 1- Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
Episode 2
It get's posted by EDzMyHomie on youtube with a link to the other site since youtube won't let it upload. so yeah i like the show, also just so you guys know it can be VERY triggering I think, I hope this show comes with a warning when they actually show it.


oh and i've set up a facebook you can find me as Dylphe Blagger, i wanted to have blogger but facebook like blocked that name automatically so it's blagger ha ha.
 so if you wanna add me feel free. if not still love ya anyway.
like i said before i set up a seperate one because with you guys i wanna be able to be open can't do that with my "friends" on my regular facebook.

and i have a new follower less than three to you. thank you 
stay strong
MUAH

2011 oooh baby baby

so 2011 may have started 2 days ago but tomorrow it starts officially.
i got back home today and i just caught up with your blogs. still have some blogs i'm reading so i haven't started following yet but i'm getting there, slowly but surely.
i've been letting fatty mcfatfat take control. not like i could purge at my besties.
let's talk about new years.
so drank a lot but didn't get drunk. i was buzzed a little. enough not to freak out when talking to people i didn't really know, but enough to question everything i was doing, besides eating...i ate a lot. one of the guys brought this salad his mom made and OMG it was sooo good. i want the recipe but i shouldn't get it because it wasn't a leafy type salad but a nomnom i'll make you fat salad. which i'm sure it did. which speaking of that guy he wrote me this weird message on facebook which i have yet to reply to. he's starts with i'm probably writing this because i'm drunk but i want to know what you think of this text. followed by a weird poem about asking a girl to go out with him and then at the end if you say no i'll smoke a j...something along the lines. it's in german. then later on one of the chickies (i actually consider her a friend) call her J, another chicky, N, and my besty we're all in the bathroom having a heart to heart because J's marriage is on the rocks she knows she needs to leave but loves him. you know that usual story where usually you'd be like bitch just leave. well while N is pounding in on her telling her just be strong leave blah blah, me although not being able to really relate to the relationship part but the she needs to put herself first part i'm telling her that she does need to put herself first and i understand right now she logically knows what is right but her heart isn't allowing her to act on it. she needs to take time for herself and while doing that not focus so much on the relationship but just on her the rest will follow. and then it goes on into "i have an eating disorder because i don't know how to deal with my shit. you need to cry. i can't cry no matter how much i try. wanna know what i do? i eat a shit load of food and then throw it up in the toilet because that's how i have control. i don't want you to end up like me and using something harmful, not necessarily an eating disorder, to deal with what's eating you up. please take some time, maybe go for therapy or something. don't just focus on you and his relationship. you have a son and you need to put him and yourself first."
i felt so sad seeing her hurting that i just spilled the beans. i probably wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for my besty in the room who already knew. i don't know why i'm sharing that shit with people. i guess sometimes it's gotta come out. i'd never share it with my parents or other people but i guess they're the closest friends i've got and i feel like i need to be honest with them. they don't understand and they never will i know that. i just want them to be aware i guess.
well after that talk (which my bsty left early) i was looking for my besty and couldn't find her. turns out her ass went to bed without saying anything. i was like well my ass gotta go to sleep to mini me will be up in like 2 hours. so yeah hit the sack. it was an ok party can't complain just pissed that i drank so fucking much and stayed pretty much sober. no hangover nothing. murr.
well this is what i looked like on new years. excuse the fatness much to work on this year but i will i have to. i'm tired of the up and down. it's time to get to my UGW at least, maybe lower.

i'm dreading my scale tomorrow. i might have shot up above my restarting weight. know what that means...a restart take 2. it's ok because after i drop mini-me off at daycare, i'm going to the asian food store buying a bag of rice. and then it's really on. i don't care i'm so motivated i want to purge my stomach now that i know has already digested the shit i put in it today. like i think i mentioned before i but that couch to 5k app on my phone so i'm hoping to get started next week. why not this week? because tomorrow i'm cleaning my house and it's for 3 times a week and i can only do it during the week while mini me is in day care. and since i'm mental i need a certain order so i have to do it M-W-F in the beginning or i'll feel retarded. i might be a chaotic person but certain things have to be orderly. Lou was talking about maybe adding people on facebook, i think it's a good idea (sorry i didn't comment hun) but i'll have to make a seperate facebook account because my mom is a facebook stalker, she stalks me and shit so i can't allow any slip ups. who is that Dylphe? where do you know them from? etc. etc. urghh stalking parentals are a pain in the ass. i'm a grown ass woman (by law not mentality) leave me ALONE.
so yeah i hope everybody entered the new year on a positive note or at least has a positive outlook. i'm about to go lay my cards (tarot kind of they aren't really tarot cards since they have like animal signs but they work almost the same) to see what this year brings.
i love you guys so much i'd hump your leg j/k (or am i? ^_^)
stay strong
MUAH

while everyone is to busy to care

i don't know what i want from 2011 except something better but here is what i don't want...and never want

 i mean she's active and fit but it's the thighs i want slender thighs

 hey wii fit is a good start gotta give her that

 at least she's taking the stairs

Remember this Girlies and Guys (me included):

however I am kind of nostalgic i did meet some great people this year. in real life and of course on here. I am so happy to have found this place and I guess I have to thank this year for it.
I less than three you guys
MUAH MUAH MUAH CYBER HUGS

HAPPY NEW YEARS

can you believe it 2010 is over in a few hours (depending on where you are at of course)
i can't wait to leave this shitty year behind. i'm hoping for a better year!!!
i can't make this one long because i don't know how long i'm alone my besty is working and her boyfriend went grocery shopping with their son and he should be back soon. i've been cleaning my besties kitchen. weird? nah not really we hate cleaning our own houses but we're more than willing to clean each others. we really need to move next door to each other. switch apartments for cleaning ha ha.
well i've been letting fatty mcfatfat take control since i've been down here. my besty doesn't let me purge which of course is a good thing. yesterday i actually felt hella nauseous and i was like i feel sick she was like NO if it comes up just throw up wherever you are but you are not going to the toilet. i have no regrets telling her. i mean i wasn't happy but you know it's better this way.
on the bright side yesterday her and i drank some champagne a little vodka cranberry and basically danced to some jrock...or rather head banged. i wonder how many cals that shit burns. it was fun and ended in a stiff neck...AWESOME lol. and let's not forget my mini-me's looks. WTF are you people doing? ha ha
i didn't get laxies yesterday so that means next year when i go home (oh i love the sound of that) it's on like cheech and chong...don't ask i get around my besty and i get more retarded...in a good way.
so tonight it's the ultimate drinking party. woohoo.
i know i've been bad at commenting. i've only been commenting when i could be sure to have privacy. i have been reading but commenting is another story. i'll make it up to you when i get back home and i'll post on your future posts.
heather at her blog my inner monologue actually has the best idea for the new year. instead of making resolutions ponder what you want to leave in this year and what you want to take with you. i love the idea of that. it's less pressure.
oh i just downloaded the couch to 5k app onto my samsung phone and i can still play my music while it's on i'm running and it basically tells me when to run and when to walk and all that jazz so i'm hoping to make use of that next year. it's just 3 times a week so i'm pretty excited.  me run a 5k wow well that's something. but if i can do this maybe one day i can enter like a half marathon or something. which would be pretty freakin sweet.
so i wish you all the most fun new years no matter what you are doing. even if you are just cradling a bottle of liquor alone (which i hope not it's just not as much fun as sharing it with people). you guys are all in my thoughts i love you and i'm sending all my good energy out to you guys.
and on meeting, lou me give you and autograph? pshhhh i'm getting one from you!!!! (^_^)
stay strong
MUAH
oh i'll have my phone with me all night so i'll be on twitter if anybody needs a cyber hug or anything. that's of course only until probably midnight when all the networks are overloaded because everybody be trying to call they mama, grandma, uncle, cousin etc. but yeah as long as the network is working i'm there...well actually i'm pretty much always there. well anyway  really seriously
MUAH

On the train

How weird would it be if somebody who reads my blog came up to me and was like hey aren't you dylphe?
I think i'd die of fat shame. I mean you guys know just about everything going on with me and my disgustingly fat stats but still i'd feel shame. Still at the same time i'd be happy to know i'm talking to someone who knows the struggle i think unless it's a secret haterade drinking person hating my choices which aren't truth be told choices anymore but more like compulsions.
So i've been bad somehow my grandpa's it's so sad to waste food since we were starving in ww2 mentality took over (i was never forced to eat but i am very empathetic) i made a large soy milk raspberry shake because i didn't want the milk to go bad. Then i had a tiny piece of chocolate broetchen after which i felt nauseous totally deserve that feeling. I do think i'm doing ok all things considering until i get there. We'll see how that goes. Dammit i just realized i forot laxies urghh fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Oh well it means harder work and more physical damage next year when i return home. I love the sound of returning next year makes it seem longer than what it is. You know time doesn't stop but when i'm feeling numb and emo it's weird
ok gotta go mini me is wanting some major attention right now.
Stay strong and i hope i can post before this dreadful year finally ends
MUAH

so far so good

so far almost no food intake (a small bit and i do mean small of pretzel and a dextrose candy)...bad part no liquids either. i'm scared to drink anything because i might be tempted to eat then. right now i'm enjoying the hunger.
i don't know how well i'll be doing the rest of the week or day because i might go to my besties either today or tomorrow depending how long mini me's nap takes.
well i'll try to keep you guys updated.
this morning my weight was back down to 165.8lbs (75.2kg) considering i've been creeping into 76 that's pretty good. hunger hurts but starving works but at least hunger is the good type of pain like getting a tattoo
if i don't get back on until the new year i wish you a happy new year
stay strong
muah
i might blog on the train if i get bored from my phone

spamming your dashboard subject: hunger

on the rare occasions i do feel hunger i don't want to eat.
when i eat i just eat to stuff my face. i'm just eating because it's there. i don't even know why. boredom? greed? gluttony? emotions? i don't know what my eating trigger is most of the time. i mean when that chicky came over yeah she totally triggered me, but it's not like i deal that much with her. so i just don't know what's going on. i need to find my trigger. it's not like i can keep an empty fridge. i got mini-me to feed and i can't seem to keep away from the "poison"
if i was feeling hungry all the time i would enjoy starving...so weird. i just need to remember (and stick to) not eating so i can actually enjoy the pleasure i have in not eating, the self satisfaction and pride i get out of that feeling
gluttony or pride which is the lesser sin?
hunger validates that what i'm doing is right. i imagine my body attacking the fat.
as you can guess i'm feeling hungry right now and enjoying the hell out of it.
i will indulge in this (unfortunately) passing feeling right now.
I will be thin, i will be a M.Y.L.F. (mom you'd like to f-dash-dash-dash [a christmas story is such an awesome movie]), i will be able to see ribs without stretching, i will be beautiful
stay strong
MUAH

hmmm a bitchy ranty whiny post

don't have much positivity to post. i'm fat and my digestion is fucked, so laxies aren't dependable which means i can't take any until tomorrow afternoon because i have to take mini me to the doctor tomorrow. we were in the german emergency room because her doc is closed and they bitched at me how i should have went to one of the alternative doctors etc. etc. and then they see me anyway and bitch at me again. look you fucking underpaid bitches (which isn't my fault) don't bitch at me if you don't want to see me don't make me wait for 2 hours and then bitch about me being there. i would have been fine just taking her to another doctor...had you let me go. well mini me has bronchitis but she's still being awesome so it she'll get over it.
then i went to get my hair cut since i was with my friend and yeah my hair is half nigger so the shit curls with wetness so the fucker cut it crooked i'm pissed i mean it'll grow but still that's 12 euros i wasted. 12 euros i shouldn't have really spent on that.
food wise i didn't do to bad i had rice and tofu and a few of my daughters french fries. not bad with the exception of the chocolate. i hate pms mode it makes me want chocolate something i don't even crave at any other time. oh yeah i had a shake too.
i want laxies right now but so not dependable and i don't wanna be at my daughters appointment feeling the shits coming on because my belly ain't digesting right and being all slow making it take like +/-12 hours to work. can't risk it. i can't purge and now i can't depend on laxies. i'm a fat ass why can't this shit kick in when i'm at a dangerous weight level? fuck you disorders. i might as well own up and say i have an eating disorder. though i don't feel the "right" to claim it. i'm not diagnosed (not like i want to be that would require me telling a therapist) and it's not like i got the will power to go along with it. neither do i exercise enough...i don't at all. i feel unworthy to even label myself as having an eating disorder. i guess me thinking i'm unworthy of something i don't truly want but i'm suffering from the symptoms would make it true huh? oh well this twisted mess is about to sign off
i wish you all the best, i thank my new supporter and all you guys' comments. i love you all you are awesomeness on a slice of no cal toast
stay strong
MUAH

"I’d never worry about age if I knew I could go on being loved and having the possibility to love… So it isn’t age or even death that one fears, as much as loneliness and the lack of affection." – Audrey Hepburn

I really like that quote. In my other post I forgot to mention this:
Yesterday i wanted to see what famous people have/had eating disorders and listed among others was Franz Kafka then i tried to get more info on that and stumbled across his short story A Hunger Artist I read it German here but you can read it in English here.
I really liked it.

so this is what went down

i went to my parents for christmas yesterday as you may know. i was really worried because my fahja is back and me and him have not been vibing at all the past few years. well needless to say it was nice. it was relaxed. i'm not going to say oh he's changed because everytime i do that i get disappointed. however it was a nice afternoon/evening.
mini-me got lots of new toys which she loves. I'm happy seeing her so ecstatic about her gifts. it's good to know there is some appreciation left in this world. i got lots of stuff considering i didn't expect anything. i mean it's not going to sound like a lot but still. i got my rice cooker (do a happy dance oh yeah and my mom gave me her sticky rice since i can't go buy any until stores open back up on monday), i also got an ed hardy hoody jacket. i don't know why but my fahja got them real cheap down in iraq. so it could be fake. now i have to say i am not a fan of ed hardy at all. i will wear it since it was a gift but i would never buy it and i actually think people who do buy it in hopes of some coolness are pathetic. i mean if you like it more power to you but it won't make you cool so please if that's why you buy clothes for coolness don't. get what you like!!! i also got a camcorder. the army was just throwing brand new electronics away. so yeah he got it for free but since it's still with the tapes and all i told him there's no point in me having it even though i really like it but how many people still have vcr's (i mean i do but not the point, i couldn't really share it) and since i can't put it on my computer it's a bit pointless so it'd be better if he sold it and just made some money off it because somebody will buy it i'm sure. well needless to say he said he's going to get me one with a memory card so i can put it on my computer. AWESOME. yeah so i feel really spoiled but it's kind of sad that it's material things that make me so happy since on an emotional level my family and i can't really communicate. 
it was great until last night when i decided to opt for a binge. i'm talking a binge to the point where my stomach was hurting and it was trying to creep back up. but it wouldn't once again my inability to purge caught up with me. WHAT THE FUCK. i was pissed i couldn't get anything out except a bit of liquid. oh yeah so after giving up i just popped 8 laxies for which i am paying for right now at this moment and have been all morning. it's somewhat ridiculous but it's good to know it's getting out. however all the food has not digested in my stomach. how do i know? because when i burped about an hour ago i tasted my binge. i'm serious. i can't imagine that i would get the taste of something that's been digested already however correct me if i'm wrong. i've also been nauseous all morning however i'm trying to drink tea in combat. i'm looking forward to breaking in my rice cooker today. rice diet hello i'm dylphe let's get acquainted and hope i can stick to you.
well i hope i get company today because my grandparents sent a shit load of chocolate that i don't eat and i need to feed it to the fatties...i mean masses...the people i'm hating on because they feel no guilt in consumption.
oh Emily the gift for my parents is actually a small painting which once it's completed i'll post a picture. it's just not done because i haven't really had a steady hand. My mom promised to teach me knitting but we never got to it. i tried watching videos but i need somebody there who's like now grab it like this...i think your gift is an awesome idea maybe one day i can steal it and give somebody else a bag i made myself.
Stay strong guys and enjoy your holidays be stronger than your inner glutton and forceful family members.
you can do it yes you can if you can't do it nobody can (perky cheerleader voice...believe it or not i was one as a kid until i had a shitty racist coach who ruined it for me, maybe had i stuck to it i wouldn't be such a fat ass now)
MUAH

so christmas gluttony caught up

but let's not talk about that, let's not talk about the fact that i couldn't purge the binge and that i took 8 laxitives instead. and my christmas wasn't bad i'll update tomorrow
actually this might be a bit depressing so you've been warned, especially since it's christmas you might want to save this post for a time when not so happy blogs don't pull you down. it might not even depress you who knows...
so i'm watching the bridge to terabithia (loved that book as a kid)and (spoiler alert) when the girl died i started crying because i remembered how in fourth grade shortly after i moved to the states and started school there barely knowing any english, my first best friend(i wish i knew what happened to her after our return to germany) lost her twin brother on march 17th (so much for a lucky day, i don't really get down with st. patrick's day sorry). he drowned. this broke  me down because he was probably my second real friend and my first puppy love. he wrote me a note cut in the shape of a heart "will you go out with me" and two check boxes underneath. i still have that note. i cherish it.  we became friends because although he was in a different class our reading groups were together and we sat at the same table, needless to say he was my first crush. i can now go months without thinking of him but i mean damn it's been almost 15 years and i'm just not over it. to this day i think that people who i'm close to will just die on me. i always think of the worst case scenario when people are late to meeting me. when they don't call. i try to act cool on the outside "oh it's no problem" but on the inside i'm panicking, car accident? broken neck? shot? are they ok?
i freak out. i hate lonliness i do but i stay lonely, because no matter how close i get to people i'm scared they'll die on me. when my grandparents come down to visit, the entire time they are on the road i imagine a horrible car crash.
people close to me tend to die in my dreams and even if they come back to life it's only long enough to make me believe that their death just seemed like one and then they die again.
maybe one day i'll get over it.
anyway pan's labyrinth is on now and i absolutely adore this movie and find it uplifting so maybe i'll cheer up a bit.
sorry for this post i just got reminded of the past watching a movie
stay strong guys
don't fall for the gluttony like me
MUAH

merry christmas

today we celebrate christmas at my parentals (for those who don't know in germany we celebrate on the 24th). not really looking forward to it but i know mini me will have fun opening her presents. and i hope i get the rice cooker. (Rice diet...that's if i get some rice because other wise i'll have to wait until monday to eat rice since everything is closed over the weekend) unfortunately i didn't finish my parents gift because my hands weren't steady yesterday from all the purging
yesterdays post, i was on the way to getting mini me and the panic just hit, i had nobody to call since i didn't want to talk about freaking out in front of the people that were the reason for my freak out. i don't even know what the hell had triggered it. it just came over me. so i figured i'd blog. once i got to my daughters day care i calmed down. thank you for your comments, this community is like my safety net. i love all you guys.
my throat is killing me today i don't know if it's purging damage or yet again another cold.ugh i'm supposed to dress nice today...i don't own these nice clothes they speak of. i mean what i consider nice isn't really their idea of nice. oh well i work better under pressure and i still have about 3 hours before they come get us.
my weight this morning was everything between 164.2lbs-165.6lbs (74.5kg-75.1kg) so no clue i'm almost thinking it's time for new batteries. i know it's time for a new scale but i decided to stick with mine until i reach my ugw and then get a new one. plus by that time i hope to have enough money available to be able to afford a new one and by that i mean an exact one that may cost a bit more but be totally worth it.
i love all of you guys and i'm enjoying your blogs
stay strong
MUAH

Untitled

I'm currently really am close to freaking out. My social anxiety just reared its ugly head. I'm on my way to picking mini me up from day care and i feel like every glance is judgement i dpn't know what else to do except blog nd hope it'll ease up the panic. I'm a mess trying not to burst into tears and start hyperventilating i don't know i thinki'm going to invest in a burka so nobody can see this mess of a person gotta get off the bus better post coming tonight

urrrmmmm quite a negative post today

lately i've been listening to a lot of music
i took 2 laxies today
i was triggered by a friend so i b/p'ed twice today
i'm exhausted
unmotivated

i don't know i'm not having a bad day but it's just a blargh, how about i talk about last night a bit.
my friend came over last night. i figured ok it'll be good to have somebody around in some way. so she came over, which she's a friend from my pot head days. we lit up the j came to me 3 times. we followed the puff puff pass rule. i only wanted to pull twice but it turned into 3. it felt amazing. but i don't feel the urge to have it in my life but truly just here and there. (so yeah Phantom should we ever meet in person I'm down with smoking a blunt ^_^)
well we smoked in my bathroom, she lifted the toilet lid and seat to ash in and so the remnants of my purge on the side. dammit why do i forget to clean the toilet after a purge sometimes?
anyway she knows. which was fine i explained to her the need of control in my life she asked if my therapists know and i told her no but they know about my need to have control over my weight. and how they told me that once i get a hobby and a job and all that normal stuff i'd probably loose this want for control so it's just a matter of time. (ok it's a lie if anything having a job and whatnot will probably plunge me further into this abyss)
anyway this morning she brought it up again after i came back from dropping mini-me off. ugh why did i have to be so honest. fuck you weed (i love you anyway).
anyway so she was like it's not good to eat you'll be tired, and exhausted.(my thoughts in a different color) i wish i could control what i eat to nothingness, if i ate nothing i wouldn't need to give an offering at my favorite porcelain altar then i tell her i don't throw up all the time and i know all the risks and a lecture is not going to make me stop. i know what can happen to my body. the heart problems, the hair loss, the blood in vomit, the deadly looking complexion. her well what if you have like a stroke, what about mini me. so i answer it won't happen wins out.
so then we leave the house i'd wanted to go drink coffee with her but the place she suggested ended up being closed so we just did our grocery shopping together and on the way she's all talking about food and what she was going to eat and she's listing non vegan foods (ok i can't really call myself vegan because my binges are def non vegan but i try) and i'm just like oh well i don't eat that, it's not vegan. and then she's talking about some strawberry smoothies she makes and asks me if i still eat strawberries. and i'm like uhm yeah i do still eat i don't live on nothing unfortunately.
yeah so when i got home after we went our separate ways i binged and purged. i couldn't help it. it just all this talking about that just urgghhh it's so fucking aggravating. this is why it's something you keep secret. she had the nerve to also ask me if my mom knew about it. uhm yeah it's totally something i'm going to tell the world. if i hadn't been high i would have kept that shit to myself.
oh and this morning after i'd gotten dressed and weighed myself (not in that order) and the scale saying 76.1kg she's all like omg you look so thin and small. bitch stop saying stupid shit i feel fat and you're comments aren't helping. i don't know why that comment which should have made me happy made me feel shittier. i think it's because i know it's a lie.
however a proud moment...no munchies. yeah none at all i was able to make food disgusting to me. i think more than the feelings i get high, the disgust of food is what really kept me smoking. i knew when i smoked food would be disgusting, so it became an all day thing for me. yes i know i have a kid but not the point here i'm a flawed mother, i don't even need to get into that one. if i do i'll just hate myself more than i already do with all this weight and what not. at least right no my self hatred is focused on something that if i make use of that will power i have somewhere in me i can change it.
oh during my first b/p for no reason i had the urge to cry but i couldn't i could only tear up. but it was there. i don't even know why there was no reason, at least i had the next best thing lined up...purging. so i purged the emotion away and felt fucking great.
the only downside to the current purging is that since i had to take that break (i know it was short but idk) i'm super tired after purging now. which is fine makes me to lazy to get up for anything aside from mini-me's needs.
yeah i've read all your posts today and just want to say sorry for not commenting i barely have the energy or willpower to write this post but i'm really trying to be a good blogger and post everyday that i can.
i don't know about next week because next tuesday until the new year i'll be going down to my besties because i just need to enter 2011 with her, she's my soulmate we can never be together since we both love penis but doesn't change the fact, makes my life easier because i don't have to look for mine anymore just gotta find a guy who'll take me with all my issues, and lola when i find him i'll try to get you his brother if he has one lol. this way i can help her out by looking out for her kid while she's at work so she doesn't have to try and find a baby sitter since school is on winter break. but i'll be taking my laptop and my phone so i might just post from my phone which means more typos than what's good but it'll be ok you'll get over it (^_^)
before i end this i have to come clean about something. i mean i just realized this myself but i don't think i'm ready to give up mia...actually i don't even know anymore if i want to. i kept telling myself i do considering all the dangers and what not but i actually enjoy my trip to the bathroom a bit to much to be wanting to leave her. i think i was in denial. when i'm ready i'll seek out professional help.
stay strong you lovely lovely bloggers and blog readers, my true support system as i'm falling down into this twisted ass abyss of disordered eating
MUAH

sometimes when i see white snow i wish i was a guy so i could pee my name in it

pathetic just pathetic the fail and the win both of them...
so first to the fail
my weight
167.1lbs (75.8kg)
fatty mcfatfat is throwing a party right now. A gain a fucking gain. I'm going to tell myself that it's because of the onion soup (we all know onions cause bloating) and not fall into a pit of complete self-loathing

let's see my win
I can purge again. Ok before we start on the i want to quit, i want to repeat that my win is pathetic. here are my thoughts on it: yes i know i want to leave mia's ass. it's love/hate all the way. sometimes i want to stay with her. however having my purging ability stolen from me made me angry. I'M the one that get's to decide when this relationship between us is over. you can't just take it away from me. it's the whole i'm breaking up with you, you're NOT breaking up with me thing going on.
so last night i made myself another soup then fried some bread in soy sauce and put it in the soup. then i purged it and it made me happy.

so today i went to the pharmacy to buy me some laxies, because they make me happy in the intestine.
me: i need some laxitives but the pills please.
lady: ok what kind (names the brand)
me: yeah those are fine
lady: do you want the 20 pills, 50, or 100
me: how much are they
lady: 4.50, 7.50, 14.95
me: i'll take the 100
i then pay and am so happy i want to just pee my pants. it's like yes i have 100 laxitives no questions asked. hope she doesn't remember me once that pack is done when i go back to her. oh it made me so happy. it's like support for my disorderedness
i know i'm a tard.

sometimes i wish all the people i've gotten to know on here that we could just meet up hang out. however looking at it realistically it would destroy the anonymity some of us try to maintain on here and might be akward. i'm by nature an akward person. i mean yeah i actually show my real me on here or rather write it but people make me nervous i guess that's why i got diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. but i'm just saying. it be great to have friends to hang out with that really get what you're going through. i mean i have very few real life friends. most of them don't live anywhere near me...make that all. my besty lives 40mins by car from me. and if i had a car that wouldn't be a problem. the train costs money so yeah....not the point i was getting at, but i know she can't completely comprehend what the deal is even though she gets every other aspect of me, anyway just saying i wish i had people like you guys to hang out with. people that don't pressure me into eating because "you don't eat enough"..."oh i think i do you just don't see it."
in other news mia girly is going into a rehab center to help her recover, in about 2 months is check in. guess who's going to be visiting her? yep you got it, me. this rehab center is focused only on eating disorders. AKWARD. i'm really happy they're getting help but i know i'm going to be like THINSPIRATION, THINSPIRATION, THINSPIRATION. that's just how my sick mind works...

so guys stay strong
i have been so far, i haven't eaten anything at all yet today.
MUAH

ENCORE

here you go Phantom my Encore for you:

oh yeah i got a few more vids of jrockers falling on/off stage. i know schadenfreude is wrong but oh it cracks me up so hard

so yeah today isn't to bad intake wise. fatty came back but i took care to have no bad foods around for her.
Onion Soup 3 servings at 70cals each
pack of tofu fried in soy sauce shared with mini me
raspberry soy milk shake
1 clementine and some wedges jacked from mini me
it's not to bad considering the past few days. oh and let me not forget the bowel movements i've had today. 3 yes you read right 3. no laxies i don't know what's the dealio but yeah crazy right. speaking of laxies getting some tomorrow because i'll actually have time to do me since mini me is staying from 9-14:30 oh happy day. a me day. a day where it's all about me...and cleaning the house and such but i actually didn't eat anything until mini me came home so if i can pull that off tomorrow i'll do better than i did today.

since we're on the subject of mini me i don't think mini me ate at day care (i'll have to ask them if she ate well yesterday), talk about glutton she's had 2 clementines, 2 slices of bread, and been wanting chocolate since she came back. she's not having the chocolate because she only get's one of them a day and no more. i have to be strict in someplace in my child rearing i figure chocolate intake is the best. she never eats this much. i guess playing with other kids makes hungry and/or she's creeping up on a growth spurt. first comes the eating, then the sleepiness and then, "wtf why can she reach way up there all of a sudden"
so i'm actually proud of myself and before i get into why i'll have to edit my timbs review. the boots are not warm however they are water/snow proof, so i wore an extra pair of socks (because i rock my socks) and i was fine.
so to the pride, i walked to the day care when i went to pick mini me up. i mean i was planning on taking the bus but then i was like you know what fat ass, it's cold but when you're walking you're in motion so you'll get over it. glad i did it felt good. and i'm actually there quicker walking than with the bus. with mini me i do take the bus because she won't walk that far and stroller and snow are just not a good combo. however on my walk i did almost bust my ass because there were icy patches. oh yeah and that's where my previous ponder came from. should i have risked the fall to raise my cals burned? i mean screw embarrassment if it means more calories burned. i'm retarded in the brain huh?
insane in the membrane, insane in the brain
yeah this post isn't so comprehensible but i was just writing the way it came out
thank you guys for the compliments on my painting. i do urge anyone to start. it's so much fun. i might do another one tonight if i have the energy but once again i'm sick. i'm thinking regular cold this time. i'm beginning to think i really did fuck myself up with mia especially as far as my immune system goes. i used to never get sick like this. i mean yeah i'd have a cold but that would be like once a year if that. i remember i used to go out with wet hair in freezing weather (frozen curls are so much prettier---DON'T TRY THIS OUT) and now i've had some ailment probably for the past month if not more. ughhh
yeah so before i get to whiny
thank you to my new follower you are appreciated
STAY STRONG GUYS
MUAH

Ponder

I didn't fall bit almost did so would you burn more cals if you fell while walking or if you made it incident free because if its more when falling i'll take that risk and bust my ass

EPIC FAIL

fatty mcfatfat won
stupid fat cow
166.7lbs (75.6kg)
ughhhhh but i can't hide i must do something. this fucking sabotage has got to stop.
it's monday a day for beginnings. i need to make it such. i don't have a plan but i'm going to just take the day on as it comes. i'll start with drinking tea. Probably should write down all my consumption though.

@Konrad thanks, yeah i did draw it and i was so intimidated by acrylics until i tried them i was like only artists use this stuff, but it's so much fun, i think it's really worth it. there's so many things you can do with them. in the clinic we had all sorts of tools but my favorite thing was using a sponge to apply the bottom colors because you can nicely mesh the colors into each other. i don't have a sponge now just paint brushes but still fun. i encourage this hobby. peer pressure peer pressure.

well time to start the day
stay strong
MUAH

so after some therapy

which includes the blogs i guilt tripped you guys into and then stalked to see if you posted j/k
i decided i would bust out the acrylics and the canvases i bought a long time ago and never used. my therapist (the one i haven't been to in forever and i'm thinking of just finding another one) advised me to get a hobby. and while i was in the loony bin i found painting was relaxing.
i'm no artist mind you but i did draw this little picture tonight. i thought i'd share it with you guys. it's not great but i think that's the awesomeness about working with paint, it doesn't have to be. it's about you. unless you plan on being a pro then well maybe you do need some talent. unless you do abstract ha ha.

i suggest that anybody who needs something to do should paint...well if you like it. i just find it super calming and i think i'm gonna do it more often, now.
i'm going to actually hang this in my kitchen as a reminder to myself. i'm sure you can guess from the purple and red what i was getting at.
anyway mucho love yo
stay strong
MUAH

fat person writing

fatty mcfatfat checking in and posting a blog instead of dylphe.
dylphe is currently hiding in a little corner of this brain we share, whining and crying about how fat she is. so i took over today, i've taken over the past few days as a matter of fact and i'm enjoying it. mwahahahaha. i'm making this body consume food. dylphe came out for a second trying to purge but ha that little hump that came out did no damage to what i stuffed in there. yeah she's finally done it. made it impossible for her body to rid itself of all the food i stuff in it.
pancakes today and about a liter of a soy milk shake. doesn't sound like much but the wannabe-skinny-bitch is being a punk-bitch and wailing at her failures and my success.
but i'm not completely heartless, she wants me to tell you guys thank you for the awesome comments oh and lola don't feel bad for the low correspondence just because she posts a comment doesn't mean you should feel obligated and neither should anyone else.
she thinks she's building up resolve for tomorrow but i'm taking this body over and returning it to it's former fat glory muhahahaha
*
*
*
yeah sometimes I feel like that's how things go in my body. two different personalities there's me, dylphe and then there's fatty mcfatfat.
i need to destroy that bitch.
but on a serious note i have to get out of this slump. there's time to drop this weight. i'd be lying if i said i didn't step on the scale but it was edging its way back up to 75kg and i'd already drank something by the time i'd stepped on. discipline at an all time low

so tomorrow will be my next "official" weigh in.
god it's snowing so much at the moment. i took this picture this morning out of my bedroom window

since then it's snowed even more i don't even know how the hell i'm going to make it to day care. i made it to grocery shop yesterday so i'm hoping i'll have the same success tomorrow.

now i have to call a "friend" of mine who thinks i'm mad at her because she didn't call me day before yesterday just because i didn't answer the phone yesterday when she was calling because i didn't feel like talking to anybody because i was busy reading a  manga. i know that might sound a bit pathetic but what can i say that's just the way it is man. i only pick up for my besty and my mom, because my besty is my besty and my mom will fucking drive to my house because she'd start panicking thinking something horrible happened. well later i was on the phone with my besty and when i did try to call her her phone was busy so i called my besty again and was pretty much on the phone with her all night. oh well bitch'll get over it because i won't leave her a choice. that's just the way i roll *gangsta lean*
lately my blogs have more of me in them i noticed. more jokey jokeness. feel special guys because it means i'm loving you hehe
oh i have 2 new followers, thank you but one of them is like super duper secretive because they're not in my list just in the numbers but i appreciate you too so thanks.
stay strong
MUAH
and post dammit i love reading your blogs ^_^ even if i don't comment all the time
(-_-) n(__)n

my body is not an excuse

so yesterday i was feeling bingy. i realized though it didn't have anything to do with the chinese food, it's the hormones. i'm currently in PMS mode. so yeah. however now that i have pinpointed the problem i know i can fight it. i have to.
weight this morning 162.9lbs-63.8lbs (73.9kg-74.3kg) the scale wasn't to sure itself. it was a deserved weight gained i'm not happy but i accept it as a part of the bingy fuckup.
i didn't purge everything yesterday because i couldn't. i was hand fucking my throat yesterday i just couldn't get the gag going. it sucks it's been so difficult to purge lately. i scratched my throat as well so i'll just have to restrict. when i want to binge i'll just have to remember bitch it ain't coming out...now that i think about it i think i just made it possible for me to have a future in porn. yay, it's what i always dreamed of (sarcasm).
everything is covered in snow pretty to look at pain in the ass because i'm going to have to walk through it to go get groceries with mini me who is so slow in the snow. i hate it. i don't have winter boots so my feet freeze real quick and having a sick-wanna-play-in-the-snow kid along is not fun. well i'll just have to deal with it.
i have these timberlands my parents got me (long story but they were free for them) they are knee high and the tounge is fur and the top edge is fur (real? idk) anyway they look so warm but bitch please those are fashion boots. i got excited when they gave them to me in the early fall thinking yay i have winterboots even if they aren't my style at all. well they lied. stupid fashion shoes. don't get me wrong i love cool shoes even though i'm more of a vans girl myself...anyway back to the point: they don't hold warm and it sucks.
yeah ladies and gents
stay strong
MUAH

random not really food related

i'm so tired of being single

i want a guy one that can handle my kid, me, and my disordered eating

i wish there was a dating site for pro-ana/mia(lack of a better term) people. that way the eating habits are not an issue
i know it's sick but yeah....although i probably wouldn't sign up since i don't even have the balls for a normal dating site but yeah...

sabotage

162lbs(73.5kg)
i fuck up and then i sabotage myself
last night went like this:
nomnomnomgulpgulpnomnomnom
hargh*cough*hargh*cough
nomnomnomgulpgulpnomnomnom
hargh*cough*hargh*coughnomnomnomgulpgulpnomnomnom
hargh*cough*hargh*cough
if i fuck up once in a day i see no more point for that day
i should be glad it's not a lot of gain all things considered.
@tia i was glad i couldn't purge for the same reasons but as you can see it unfortunately didn't stay that way
right now i have a liter of tea cooling off next to me, today i won't be leaving the house so i know i have to do it. i can do it. there's nothing stopping me except for me
I LOVE YOU GUYS
stay strong
MUAH

The day has went to shit

I ate...a lol
my mom ordered chinese food. since her job is right by the doc's office. i said i didn't want any and she gave me that look. she's already suspicious of me even though i'm still a fat ass. some call it concern i call it annoying
so i had to eat and i couldn't purge. ugh i had monks food though so it wasn't to bad but it still made me nauseous
well the day food wise is failed.
mini me has a bacterial lung infection. she just has to take some antibiotics. here skin is probably just sensitive and reacting to that however it could be a temporary allergic reaction. she's getting cough syrup, antibiotics, and some drops that help with allergic reactions, it's supposed to help with the itchiness. next year she gets checked all over for allergies again just to make sure and see what the dealio is. i'm glad it's not scarlet fever and nothing to serious
well i wish you a good remaining day, night or whatever it is on your end of the world
stay strong
MUAH

So far my day

Has been ok
my kid might have scarlet fever i'm actually on the bus on the way to the doc right now just started day care and already were trying out a new illness. Her mood is good though so i'm not to worried.
Food wise i'm feeling good i took a bite off a torn off piece of my daughters pretzel realized how it was so not worth it and put the piece back in the bag. WIN
the big test is evening time but i'm going to hold on to this feeling and make it. I drank a liter of black tea with soy milk that i foamed up so i'm doing good in the hydration department to. If i actually feel hunger today i'll make myself a soy milk shake probably with strawberries but maybe rasberries we'll see
stay strong
MUAH

does releasing frustration before sleep cause weight to drop?

because the scale said
160.7lbs (72.9kg)
do a little dance, don' t make a little love, still to fat today, fat today
anyway this does not mean i can indulge in mia. i still need to drop her. it's not cool behavior and i want to be a cool kid. I also need to remember how dehydrating that habit is and drink A LOT!!!
so this'll be short we'll see how the day goes.
must get ready check on mini me and see if she's up for day care.
stay strong
muah
thank you so much for your lovely comments!!!
i'm hoping for a better day and the number put me at a good start at least

before i go to bed...

my body is not like yours, i don't loose weight like you do. i can't follow a "normal" diet and expect it to work for me. my body is not capable of processing food like a normal person. i've fucked it up.
after a binge follow the 3 p's
pee
purge
puff
it's ridiculous. i lost count on my b/ps in the past few days. it's disgusting. don't ask me how many times i went at it today. i don't know anymore. i'm disappointed but it's that high i get. it's not the same high i used to get, it's just happiness that the food i couldn't resist stayed out. i need to figure out why i do this and stop. i need to fast. i need to restrict. why am i suffering. do i need to wait until the new year? i don't want to. i have so much weight to drop. 45.9lbs if i'm going by this mornings weight. fuck that's a lot.
i'm so urrrgghh right now only because this is my struggling weight. i'd like to think that since everybody has that weight that their body wants to be at and will fight to be at this must be mine. how retardedly fucked up is my body to want to be an overweight fat pig? it's time to beat that out of it. i don't care what my body wants if i did i wouldn't be destroying it in the process.
anyway i'm not really depressed right now just frustrated with myself. i'll be fine in the morning. much movement i hope.
we'll see what tomorrow brings since mini-me was sick and all. damn snow chaos over here. we're in fucking germany you know what winters are like. this is not the south in the states where everything shuts down because of one snowflake. WTF. ok i'm not trying to bash stateside but when we were living there for the first time (well me not my mom, who'd lived in the northern midwest before) we were like WHAAT the schools are closed?
no but seriously everything was in chaos yesterday morning. insanity. get your shit together city.
anyway so over that i'm starting to type in tired delirium so excuse me.
OMG System of a Down is coming here next summer and I probably won't have the money to go because those tickets will probably sell out like next month. BASTARDS. but anyway at least they'll be at Rock im Park and Rock am Ring so I'm sure MTV will broadcast it.
Ok off to bed
this failed chicky needs her sleep
STAY STRONG
MUAH

the bitch has got to go (i edited so the weight is in lbs as well)

muthabruthin weight gain. yes my friends i gained. mia is a dirty lying whore. more on that after the weight
162.9lbs(73.9kg) PATHETIC JUST PATHETIC
let's see i binge and purged to much yesterday and i think my body held on to whatever calories it could and turned them into fat. *sigh* suck my ass cheeks mia you always come and sabotage this weight.

you have gots to go bitch you ain't welcome here. mmmmhhh hmmmm(insert ghetto neck roll, finger snaps and eyerolls here)

no i can't blame her completely she does have a lot of control but in the end i can't blame everything on that addiction. i can be stronger than her. and i'm going to be it starts today. it has to start today i have to stop making empty promises to myself. i can't be successful any other way. so it's time to move on stop putting all the blame on the imaginary voice get real and handle my shiznit.

so yeah thank you guys for all the lovely comments especially about sharing on here. it used to be hard for me but now i just do it, it's just i feel that my behavior being so shameful as it is in a way for me i should feel more shame sharing however i'm so glad i have such understanding people reading this blog i <3 you guys
@hanrietta some bingers drive to a restaurant or take out place or grocery store, since i have a kid and can't leave her alone at night i order out...sad i know, i need to really set myself boundaries, your way is better
@lou yeah i hope he remembers the tip not the food he delivered
@nessa i would like to say you are the queen of made up words and i mean that in a good way i enjoy them in your blog.
i try to go by live and let live but i'm going against that with the criticalness so i'm trying
@colors thank you for your words

thank you for following guys i lost one follower but i'm actually surprised it took them this long to drop because i think their main interest was fashion, i don't even know how they found me. i need to find a new word for followers because i don't really feel like a leader ^_^
stay strong
MUAH

When ordering from a pizza service

First figure out what to order, it's not about taste although I order a ridiculous amount it still has to look like i'm ordering for more than one person. I mean yeah fat girl answering the door but it must look like fat girl has somebody in her living room waiting for their share.
Always order online, no need to let them hear my voice it might give away something I don't want to share the fact that a binge is happening and the excitement and horror of the coming binge, also to be avoided the need to pretend there is somebody else in the room.
Hit the delivery button.
Make sure apartment is in order, shoes are neatly lined up, place some extra shoes so it looks like there's somebody else there. Yes it's pathetic but this is what I do. I sometimes even let the shower run so it seems like someone is in the shower. Make sure all my coats are hanging. Yes I try to fake the funk. I could never be a mia that goes into a buffet and just goes at it by herself. I'm very secretive the idea of people knowing the amounts I eat freaks me the fuck out. I'm ashamed of myself.
Oh have you guessed what I did tonight? yeah totally went for it. I mean hardcore.
I wanted to share my patheticness with you guys. shameful how i have no more shame when it comes to sharing how sad of a person i really am. as much as i offer my cyber-shoulder trust me you never want to cry on my real shoulder 1 it's fat and disgusting and 2 my patheticness (which is not really a word well wasn't until now) might rub off on you. Ha Ha
no but seriously this is a order-food-binge day for me. it's my ritual sad i know.
so yeah delivery guy comes and then after he gives me the food it takes him forever to get the damn card reader to work, he was new but all i was thinking was hurry up dammit i need to gorge myself, and man you're making my water bill more expensive here buddy. so then once he's done i give him 2 euros for his silence (didn't say it of course). then i wait by the door until he goes down the stairs which once again takes him forever. then i turn the water off in the shower and the rest is history and doesn't really need to be shared
be stronger than me, mia got to me today
MUAH

so critical lately some may think i'm drinking haterade but seriously i'm not

so today i wrote a tweet that said Thank you fattie for taking the escalator it made me take the stairs 
which made me realize after posting it that i have become quite critical, insensitive and somewhat critical of really fat people. 
i'm actually kind of ashamed. i used to be a really fat person, now i think i've managed to get down to just a pretty fat person (pretty not in the sense of aesthetics). 
i don't know if they are trying to loose weight, i don't know their story, maybe they are on meds, maybe they have a medical condition they are trying to sort out, who knows. but when i see them the first thought is god you need to work on yourself hon. i mean at least i'm still checking myself after...usually. 
i feel mean but i can't help it. i know i'm projecting my self hate on other people. i've lost the understanding of being happy while fat. i can't do it. i saw a book today while browsing the bookstore and they actually had a book on making yourself happy eating. for me that's an impossibility. any raving i do over food is just faking the funk so people don't think anything weird. 
when food enters my mouth self-loathing enters my mind. i still have problems ordering food somewhere, or just grocery shopping especially when it's binge food shopping. 
but i'm becoming one of those critical people. i shouldn't be i mean i don't know what they might be going through, how they are feeling, what they are trying. 
however i refuse to have any compassion with fat people who complain about being fat and do nothing. considering where i come from as far as weight loss goes i know it's hard, and i'm probably making it harder on myself not the point however. i'm not saying they have to do it like me, actually they shouldn't do it like me, they should go the healthy route so if anybody stumbled upon this blog considering the "pro-ana way" don't do it. Reduce your intake a little to 1500 cals 1200 if you want to push it, and exercise. Eat healthy foods and not to many processed foods. Don't deny yourself anything and don't get anal about counting calories. Enjoy going out to eat and all that jazz. I can't do that. As much as I love eating sushi, everything comes with a side of self-loathing and guilt. If I can't purge after I can't enjoy anything I do after. I usually go with my bestie if i do go eat and basically the whole afternoon is shot, outside i'm happy inside i'm contemplating how to correct my mistake, if there is any way to even do it. So yeah this has turned into a whole big thing more than I actually planned this post to be but yeah just some thoughts. 
what I learned today (after drinking it) a cherry caprisun has 89cals. WOW I really wasted some cals today. Shame on me. Bad girl Dylphe bad girl. 
So Stay Strong Ladies and Gents I love you guys no matter what size you are know that, and please believe I'm never critical of you. Which saying that does not mean I'm calling you fat but...you guys get what I'm saying I'm stumbling in awkward territory right now getting more and more lost soooo...
MUAH

loss

however don't like to much how i did it....purging all day pretty much everything i ate went down the toilet which i've found i prefer standing up bent over purging. i'm usually a fat ass and kneel but ha i like standing.
anyway i'm at 162.3lbs (73.6kg) finally back in that range now the only thing i have to do is keep at it. i've been fucking up around this number in the past months. i can't do that  i still have about 20kgs to go before i list my ugw.
i didn't go to the doctor yesterday, i got an appointment for today but does me no good because i have no one to get mini-me from day care and that's not good. she's still in that phase where she's only there for limited times. that doesn't end until thursday so i might have to reschedule my appointment for then. which sucks but what can i do? nothing. nobody can go pick her up, or better yet the people i trust are either not picking up their phone or they have other things they HAVE to do. see this is why i need a guy. and with that i mean a support system...a support system that gets me laid.
stay strong
MUAH

it's a success when your hand smells like vomit

the scale did it's funky number thing again 73.6,73.7, 74, 74.1 kg.
I'm gonna go with 163.4lbs (74.1kg) and play it safe.
Today I have my appointment at the gyno. But I have to wait 15 minutes before I can make an appointment. They don't open until 8.
regarding the title, I know this will sound gross but when I purge and I don't get everything my hand'll just smell like food but when I get it all and hit the bile it smells like vomit. Yeah it's gross but that smell makes me happy. Especially with the stomach pain lately it just hasn't been possible. I can take a lot of pain, but it was just to intense a lot of time these past weeks.
Yesterday I ate kinda normal, but at my besties I drank soda and not the diet kind, however she doesn't have anything different and I can't get down with the tap water it has a funny aftertaste, and I don't trust tap water. I will drink mine though because when I put it on cold it's like fridge cold and then I can pretend I got it out of the fridge so it's ok. I also b/pd but when i was eating it felt dumb, it didn't taste good, i didn't want it i only did it because i'd already started and figured i'd make this purge worth it (is there any purge ever really worth it?)
Some good comments this weekend
My mom: you lost weight again?
Me: Like 3Kg
Mom: No you've lost more
Me: Not according to the scale and that's what I go by
Mom: No you've lost more it must be the bloating, your waist is so small

At my besties house
Her Neighbor: Hey can I get a ride to your city with you and your mom tonight
Me: I don't know, and I can't call her right now so I'll have to ask later
H.N.: Eeey you're not Dylphe
Me: WTF then who am I
H.N.: How much more weight are you planning to loose
Everybody laughs
I think: a lot more see that skinny chick (my bestie) yeah I'm trying to get down there
Glad everybody was laughing so I didn't have to respond, I don't like answering that question anymore. It's weird I don't want people to know where I'm trying to go. I'm now starting to get close to a healthy weight range and we'll see what happens when the loss continues past then. I'm looking forward to it but I'm scared of people's reaction when it isn't good.

THANK YOU for all your positive comments on the weight loss and things they are awesome.
@skinny_el yeah I do need to remember to keep eat days healthy if I do decide to do them.

Speaking of eating I asked for a rice cooker for christmas. although I did want to do the potato diet I found I'm to lazy for that shiznit (the peeling), so I see a new diet on my horizon. The rice diet. My bestie told me about a co-worker who is no super skinny after loosing her baby after having just lived off rice. With the rice cooker it's easy, rice and water in press the button. Won't have to worry about burning. Oh happy day

So I'll post after the doctors.

Stay strong
MUAH

Wuz up

So at my besties now her ass is sleep. I wish i could comment on your blogs but my phone is not having it.
I don't really know how my weight is and that's bugging me but i have to wait until tomorrow since my scale is fucked i'm scared to use anyone elses and since i slept at my moms yeah...
Last night i watched lie to me with my mom and funniest thing was when dude used hello kitty bandaids to bandage up. Its sp much better in english.
I ate like a normal person yesterday 3 times which is to much not cool tried to keep it healthy.
My mom says i look smaller than the 3kg i lost but i dunno i'm so bloated i look preggers so who knows.
Anyway signing off if its not to late when i get home i'll post
stay strong
muah

wtf happy news and THANK YOU

163.4lbs(74.1kg)
yes i lost weight despite being a little binge monster. let's go back down memory lane:
1 big bowl apple jacks w/ soy milk
2 plates tofu and green beans with garlic and soy milk
2 normal sized bowls apple jacks with soy milk
1 humongous bowl of apple jack with soy milk (this bowl was purged however)
some of you may not consider this binge worthy but none of this eating was planned, not even that humongous bowl. it's just apple jacks are very seductive to me. so i'll call it a binge because it's more food than i planned in
however i must keep in mind that just because i had a loss after eating it does not make eating ok for everyday. maybe like Honor I should allow myself an eat day.
A lot of you that I'm following have been so positive lately and it seems to have paid off, you guys are having success whether it's with your weight or with your life. I'm truly happy for you guys and it's helping me look at my future a little bit more brightly. although this path is filled with much darkness it is possible for us to be happy, find happiness, and all that jazz, we deserve it.
thank you for sharing your positivity

stay strong
muah
p.s. i might post again later today but i won't be posting tonight or tomorrow because i'm going to visit my besty, and since my mom is a nosy woman i'm not taking my laptop because she would be looking over my shoulder. i mean i'll be on my phone tweeting, texting, or fbing and she's trying to be all up in my business. i mean yeah if i was a teenager i could understand because there's just so much more crazy shit nowadays anyway tangent....

the situation (potentially TMI but I don't know when TMI begins so...)

so i went to the doctor today. let me tell you i felt pregnant again. he poked and prodded the stomach of course which was sooo painful, but anyway i had to give up a urine sample which was so orange i'm making myself drink A LOT today, and then I had an ultrasound. dude did not care about the cold. the whole time i was laying there i was thinking please don't let my stomach be all huge or anything from all the binging. well if it was he didn't say. anyway at first he thought i had a bladder infection but it seems i had a cyst on my ovary that burst, which can cause this kind of pain. he showed me what was my bladder and some black shadowy thing he said that wasn't supposed to be there and since it doesn't have a distinguishable form like a cyst it must have burst. i have to wait until monday to go to a gynecologist. but he gave me some antibiotics and maybe they'll help a little with taking care of it.
well that's what i get for not going to the vajayjay doctor for the last 3 years.
Today I'm eating normal, I just feel like if I have shit busted up in my stomach my body needs the nourishment and such. i mean i feel sooo guilty but i won't cave in and purge.
i've had a huge bowl of apple jacks (ok i couldn't resist those my mom got them for me and they don't sell them in german stores only on the military base), and i made tofu with green beans and soy sauce. so it's actually pretty healthy. i'm justifying the apple jacks with the fact that they have lots of fiber and that a few hours after eating them i took a huge (very painful) shit.
i don't know my weight because i don't trust any other scale besides mine (yes it's an untrustworthy bastard but at least i'm going to keep it consistent) so no weighing this morning. next weigh in tomorrow morning. i have no hopes really but my wish is that it's not a ridiculous gain.
another follower, thank you
well ladies and gents
stay strong
muah

Untitled

My only hope right now are those visible bones. I didn't do great today i ate tofu with soy sauce today on the bright side i didn't purge it and i won't be eating anything else because i'm spending the night at my moms and there's def none of that since her upstairs bathroom is getting renovated so she'll be using the downstairs one too.
Anyway i'm really going to go to the doctor tomorrow because murrr to this pain.
I weighed myself before i left the house and my weight hasn't fluctuated since this mprning just sucks i won't be able to get my morning weigh-in im.
Hope i have some reception on my phone at my mpms but i never really do
stay strong
muahe

Weigh In

164.2 lbs (74.5kg)
fucking gain
I knew my body and I were on a war path and today it's a perfect day for total destruction. However I'll have to keep it at a truce and see what happens today.
I was supposed to go to the doctor today but my kid is sick. NOT COOL. which means I can't take her to the day care to continue the getting used to it thingy. ughh...my ears hurt.
My body sucks ass cheeks...actually I wish it would then they wouldn't be so ginormous.
well i'd love to say i'm optimistic but i'm not.
i really need to go to the doctor but i think i'll have to push it off until tomorrow because it's cold, it's snow and i don't need my kid getting any sicker.
life's a bitch and then you die so fuck the world and let's get high...somebody wrote that on the music stand i was using in band, 7th and 8th grade. i wish i could get high right now. when life goes to shit i want to abuse a substance again. but i can't, i guess i'll just have to deal with reality.
i have a new follower...thank you

my day [edited because my computer posted before i was even done...bastard]

i am a huge disappointment and when it comes to my body a vindictive heifer!!!
so basically after putting mini-me down for her nap i was like ok i'm going to eat, so i ate some tofu with soy sauce. then i remembered oh i didn't want to eat so i purged.
well i went to the bathroom later that day (TMI WARNING) wipe my hiney and there's blood. i'm like WTF so of course I check to see what hole it's coming out of because yeah with the abdominal pain I wanted to make sure I didn't need to go to the hospital or something.
Well looks like my period is back and i just had it the last week in November. Well this evening the bleeding seems to have lessened a bit.
TMI ENDING
Well with all the above shit happening to my body aunt flo and the abdominal pain i got pissed at my body and just b/p ed a bunch of times. A lot actually and I don't think I was able to get all of it out, when stuff wasn't coming up anymore at all I wasn't tasting the bile like usual.
but yeah today I had revenge on my body and i probably made everything worse.
i actually think my problems come from the purging i know i need to stop but at this point i can't.
i'll probably gain.
i wish i could promise being stronger but i can't i'm sorry Fading Figure but no I didn't fast, i FAILED.
so hoping for more discipline tomorrow
oh and i'm going to the doctor tomorrow to figure something out about the pain.
stay strong(er than me)
MUAH

Time kill

Currently killing time my daughter has to go 30mins without me.
I'm sening this from my phone so i apologize for retarded spelling mistakes
i am so hungry right now but i don't have access to consumables so it's all good
my abdomen is still killing me i'm going to the doc this week my bestie said if i don't i can't come over sunday. It's more than likely something stupid harmless but i'm looking at worst case scenario and there needs to be so
e sort of procedure so i'm pretty much freaked right now.
Yeah hmmm don't have much to say however i might not be blogging saturday and sunday at the most quick updates
stay strong

Weigh In

162.5lbs (73.7kg)
i'm getting happy here loving the restriction more than ever
however last night it did end in a mini b/p...i couldn't say now to the pineapple and then other shit just pile on top you know. I also think i made the pineapple ok with the fact that i walked like 2 miles yesterday (1 to and 1 from the daycare)
that's the hardest thing i deal with, i do physical activity and think it's ok to eat. it's not at all. so since i'll be walking like this 5 days a week (exception of holidays), i need to remember that it's not ok.
i think the walk helped in the weight loss since yesterday since i'm usually a lazy bum.
oh well i need to stop writing i have to get mine-me and myself ready to go. i do not feel like walking through the snow hope they shoveled/swept it already

alright a recap

i think i ate way to much today, yes i'm certain i consumed less than 500 cals (no binge not even a mini one but a purge included) in food but i'm trying to be restrictive so i feel i have to be a food nazi about it (and no pun intended since i am german or maybe you could just blame it on my heritage except we've moved on from jews to food ~~ok that might have been in bad taste...deal with it ^_^). And there's also this hunk of pineapple still sitting in my fridge that i really want to consume but really shouldn't.
first off thanks for all the lovely comments guys. but you know what i love more than your comments? your blog entries seriously i do. i mean yeah i do love the comments because let's be honest inside everyone of us bloggers is a little comment whore who loves the validation that our posts are being read. and i'm trying to be better at commenting on people's posts. however i must say i love reading your blogs i honestly sit there and refresh my dashboard all day just to see if anyone posted. makes me sound sad? yeah i'll admit it i have no life. but it's like watching reality tv except you don't wish for shit to hit the fan (in this case a weight gain for most) but you're hoping for them to be successful (a loss, or a sense of control or both, or just general good stuff happening non ed related).
back to the comments though i have it so i get it e-mailed to me when somebody posts, why has hotmail been putting the updates in the junk folder lately. it's not junk it's pure awesomness hitting the mailbox, stop being a bitch hotmail.
so i've decided to use my msn messenger (wantabethinsoon(at)hotmail.com)for anyone that wants/needs to talk/rant/bitch/whatever and it doesn't have to be food related because although that's a lot of what we are about it's not all of it. I can't promise stimulating conversation because the reason i don't really use messenger is because at some point my conversations fizzle out into akward silence...or should i say emptiness since it's not really sound. i lack conversational skills, but yeah just so you guys know...
i guess i just want to connect more with this community because nobody else really gets it. plus i've probably told you guys more than anybody i know. i mean i got mia-girly but although i can talk to her usually it just turns into a binge fest minus the purging when she comes over. it's the whole oooh let's eat together feel guilty but not do the bad thing that we're both trying to stop doing. i love her but i guess two mia's in that situation aren't the best mix. however i'm trying to leave that life behind. not her just that lifestyle.
i really need to quit i might have seen blood in my purge today but i'm hoping something red got mixed into the potato salad by accident. i see what it's doing to me and two bloggers Phantom and Avani posted about the bad effects of mia today (let's not forget all the comments i've gotten from people over time thanks) and it's almost like a sign to me except the logical part of my brain isn't winning at the moment.
well love all you guys
stay strong
muah

EDIT: won't be on messenger tonight though because i have to handle some things in my household so yeah

you don't want to be a fat kid

see this is why kids develop eating disorders...this "sorta" love
it can also work later in life when it eats (no pun intended) at you that your dad tells you you're fatter than your step-sister and her boyfriend put together (true story kid you not)

quick post suggestion

Phantom's post is just great. she tells you about the danger mia causes so all of you out there indulging in the b/p cycle and don't really know what's happening read it. i liked it. i'm to far down to really have this deter me but maybe if i keep this in mind it'll make leaving that bitch behind easier.

woot woot

164lbs(74.4kg)
ok this is the easy part getting down into the 74s but I can't seem to get below it i seem to fuck up. i know this is just that quick weightloss because i went from basically binging to restricting. i know i can keep going today but sunday i'm going to my besties house but since my abdomen is still in so much pain i have an excuse. i know i need to go to the doctor but i'm going to wait until mini-me goes to daycare by herself next week to make and appointment because quite honestly she doesn't need to be there it's boring for a kid. plus i've been scarred with joining my mom into the doctors office. i had to go to the gyno with her and they did something where they used a camera (could've been ultrasound but i was somewhere between the ages of 6 and 8) yeah so i got to see the inside of my moms vajayjay which i know is natural but does a kid really need to see that? i know it's not the case at the regular doctors but just in case he decides it'd be a good idea to stick a camera in places....you know? i don't know, i have a lot of mental scarring from when i was a kid concerning the female body and sex thanks to my mother. maybe i'll get into that one day...any way where i was going with the pain was i can use it as a valid excuse not to eat. so yeah. because if i fall off this routine i can't just start all over again. i need at least 2 weeks on this in order to have the discipline to eat like a fat ass (normal in some people's term) and return to eating like a good girl that i know i can be and am being.
oh yeah the laxitives worked this morning...i took them around noon yesterday. they take 6-12 hours my ass. about 19 hours. but it might have helped i don't know. if you're tempted to eat chocolate but shouldn't just think shit looks like chocolate or chocolate looks like shit....(i check my toilet paper when i wipe...tmi sorry) so yeah think twice. i'm warning you as long as i'm feeling restrictive i might pick certain foods i feel i could possibly get into and make them sound gross

so here's the gist of things

i went to my appointment this morning to talk about my future working and stuff then found out it's the wrong agency because i've already learned a trade. great fucking bureaucratic fucktards. not only does it take forever to get shit done they can't get shit done right. doesn't help that i'm still in abdominal pain however i went and got some drops today, yes laxitive drops i took them earlier and i hope they do the trick because i'm not doing to well with this pain.

so i think like 2-3 posts ago i wrote a letter to food. oh yeah i was sincere. today i went to my daughters new day care to sign paperwork and shit and afterwards i asked my mom to stop at the grocery store. i wanted to get cigarettes bananas and something low cal i could eat. i'm feeling like starvin' marvin because besides the two little pieces of my daughters pretzel (one when i bought it and one when i contemplated finishing it off but didn't because it made me feel ugh) i've eaten nothing solid today.
so i'm going in the bananas look like shit, i'm sorry as much as mini-me wanted some i'm not paying for bananas that come with a free serving of fruit flies. so then i saw the pre-cut pineapple and bought one of those. i then scrounged around by the tofu area and i wanted to buy some flavorized tofu (you know with peppers or some shit) but then it didn't have the calorie label. and so i start walking around looking for something quick easy and low cal checking all the labels and seriously just trying to find something that wouldn't let me go over 500cals. reading everything, so eventually i bought some overpriced tortillas with some guacamole dip. the dip ain't that tasty but it's spice one plus point, had 2 tortillas 140 cals each. so not to bad. but anyway i was finally grocery shopping with a restrictive mind. not a what can i binge on mentality but a oh no, to many cals in this to many cals in that. it felt great. then i took a picture of this:

those Nutella jars besides being freakishly expensive have 1400g in them, 1.4kg, 3lbs. And then people wonder about the growing obesity rate. Monster jars of chocolate poison that sorry just because the german national soccer team makes commercials for it doesn't mean it's good for you.
oh yeah i've got the restrictive mentality back for now and it makes me happy. i have to get out of the 70's and head closer to the 50's because there's no way in hell i'm going through the same weight struggles all of next year. fuck that shit. it's not happening.
My rules
RESTRICT
RESTRICT
RESTRICT
anything to much
PURGE
PURGE
PURGE
attempt to start a fast. which i wanted to join Fading Figure but I have to go to my daughters day care with her all week and I don't want to risk dizzyness with all those children around. once she starts going and i just drop her off it's on.

oh and at the grocery store some teen bitch decided to say "she could have said excuse me." now i don't know if she was talking to me but i had to go behind her again real quick to get my nicotine sticks and she looked at me and i just gave her the i-wish-you-would-bitch look. she was quiet after that so i'm guessing she was referring to me however i don't remember being rude in anyway because i'm not a rude person and i always say excuse me even though somtimes i wonder why. yeah i wish she would have i could've taken her ass, all it woulda taken is my lard ass sitting on her and she would've been done. These cramps make me angry as if i was pmsing so i'm feeling unusually hostile toward human kind.

oh forgot to mention this morning i'm walking through town to get to my bus stop and this extremely skinny chicky with like a huge gap between her legs and i mean like a toddler could walk inbetween her legs while she's standing normal walked past. she was gorgeous and then she lit a cigarette. it makes you wonder doesn't it how many people suffer from disordered eating. i mean i'm not saying she does because i doubt i have an e.dar (e.d.+radar) but just saying
that's it for now
stay strong
muah
p.s. sorry for the jumbledness

Weigh In

My stomach is still causing me problems but the weight is going down yippee
167.1lbs(75.8kg)

so yeah busy day today depending on energy levels i'll post an update tonight

i can't find some important paperwork which sucks ass
stay strong
muah