ok i hate exercising...i loathe it or rather i loathe it until i'm doing it and have done it then i realize how great it makes me feel. however i look into the mirror and i realize god it is beyond necessary for me to work out. when i was in the hospital working out and walking was part of the therapy so although i didn't notice it too much then i notice now that all the hard work is gone. my thighs are constantly smooshed against one another. and in and after the hospital only the tops were touching. as soon as my back is better that step-aerobics dvd i bought is going to be used i swear it's got to i look into the mirror and all i see is BLOB...i mean i know i don't see myself how others do but let's be honest who cares how others see me it's more important how i see me and that is as a big fat blob. i'm getting my scale to my house today. which means yay and oh noooo. because now i can't run from my weight anymore, i can't binge and pretend like it didn't happen because my scale isn't around. which btw i binged yesterday...couldn't purge for obvious reasons. i have been dreaming of a mc d's purge all week. and i would be smart getting the food because i'd write it on paper and act like i don't know what's on there so it seems like i'm the one sent to get the food. then i'd go home and munch down on a disgusting amount of non-vegan "goodness" before i purge it all. it's almost like my ultimate binge dream at the moment. some people want to accomplish great things, i want to accomplish going to a mc donalds buy a shit load of food with out it looking like it's for me and then binge and purge. yeah i got that shit planned out. will i do it? i hope not. i mean i want to but as i've said my teeth, my hair, my heart all have the damage i thought i'd never get because I can quit when I want to, it's just a momentary thing until I get control over my eating habits. so sad so sad. however speaking of hair i'm getting it cut short today. it's going off. fuck it i need a new lease on life and all women know hair is the way to accomplish all your goals (^_^)
i haven't eaten today but it's only 10 in the morning i'm going to be kid less this morning all through my appointment and before, i'll have to go downtown and i hope i can resist mc donalds. because i live close now buying a shit load of food and purging wouldn't be that hard. i mean yeah my back will hate me but if the want gets to big i'm sure i'll say fuck my back it wouldn't be the first time i disregarded my health.
ok that's it here's to not binging and good hair
Stay Strong
MUAH
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Camel Toe vs. Moose Knuckle
why i want to loose weight...I feel like I have to remind myself:
I want to be healthy (contradiction considering my way of going about it? yes, but it sounds good)
Let's not kid ourselves about this world (unless you are blessed with a huge amount of self-confidence) this world is shallow and looks matter
Thin is in (ok maybe not so much anymore but I don't mind being outta style on this one)
Clothes look 10 million gazillion times better on a slim frame than a gigantic one
I'd rather have a camel toe than a moose knuckle
I want to be healthy (contradiction considering my way of going about it? yes, but it sounds good)
Let's not kid ourselves about this world (unless you are blessed with a huge amount of self-confidence) this world is shallow and looks matter
Thin is in (ok maybe not so much anymore but I don't mind being outta style on this one)
Clothes look 10 million gazillion times better on a slim frame than a gigantic one
I'd rather have a camel toe than a moose knuckle
Sunday, September 26, 2010
More tips from german mags and newspapers
Why do I love my grandparents? because they are awesome and they always bring me many weight loss diet tips that they find newspapers and magazines they read and because typing on the computer means not eating I am willing to translate and share once again (and I apologize for any mistakes or crappy wording), but I won't follow everything and you probably won't either however I'm going to share them in full regardless. Also I refuse to take any responsibility. At your own (weights) risk. some even contradict each other and some are not useful to a restrictive diet but here goes:
Article 1
The Biggest Mistakes about Eating Habits
When it is hot, eat less
WRONG Our body cannot use surrounding heat as energy. To keep a normal body temperature constantly when it's hot your
body needs even more energy - sweating costs energy
Man needs Warm meals daily
WRONG There is no scientific proof for this. It's better to eat lukewarm: Food that is to hot raises the risk for esophogous
cancer.
Eating late at night causes weight gain
WRONG Weight gain or loss does not depend on the time of consumption but the total amount of energy consumed throughout
the day. Weight gain happens when you take in more calories than you use.
Eggs are unhealthy and raise cholesterol
WRONG chicken eggs are among the healthiest foods, they contain almost all important nutritional elements, They do contain
cholesterol but not the dangerous LDL-cholesterol
Alkohol helps digestion
WRONG Beer and High % Alcohol interrupt the Fat-Metabolism and slow down digestion
Fat makes you sick
WRONG According to studies active bigger people are healthier than weak skinny people. Important: More plant fats than animal fats.
(Red)Wine is good for your heart
ONLY HALF RIGHT Alcohol raises blood pressure- cause for Heart Disease and Heart Attacks. Only Red Wine contains Polyphenole that protect against it. However: Maximum 1 Glass a Day
Honey is good for Babies with colds
WRONG A bacteria in Honey can be life threatening for small children. So never sweeten teas for babies especially their first year with honey
Chocolate causes Acne
WRONG Cause for Acne are Acne-bacteria in the skin not chocolate
Vegetarians loose weight quicker
WRONG It doesn't matter whether you eat meat or not, but how many calories you take in. Many vegetarian foods have high calorie amounts i.e. Nuts, plant oils
Sweets do not contain vitamins
WRONG Marzipan and Nougat are filled with almonds and nuts so they have many vitamins especially Vitamin E and B6
Fresh bread causes stomach aches
WRONG This was told so people would use the old bread before the new bread
Brown Sugar is healthier than white sugar
WRONG Brown sugar barely differentiates itself from white sugar in its chemical roperties. Since brown sugar contains more water it is an excellent breeding ground for bacteria
Sweeteners make hungry
WRONG Sweeteners do not cause appetite, since they don't influence blood sugar or insulin levels that are responsible for a feeling of fullness
Mushrooms and Spinach should not be reheated
WRONG If kept in the fridge they can be reheated
Article 2
The biggest Diet Mistakes
Muesli makes slim
WRONG most Mueslis have to much sugar (added or fruit sugars) because of this it sometimes has more calories than sugar
Spicy spices burn fat
ONLY PARTIALLY RIGHT they heat the body and encourage blood spreading throughout the body but that does not raise fat burning to measurable levels
Margarine makes skinny
WRONG Although many improvements even light margarine has fat levels in the double digits (usually around 40%) therefore having a high calorie amount
Sex makes skinny
ONLY PARTIALLY RIGHT Sex raises activity and calorie usage but only minimally not comparable with jogging and biking
Butter makes skinny
WRONG Butter is almost completely made out of fat, and so has more calories than margarine. Even though a few shady studies have proven the opposite
Lemons loosen FAT
WRONG Lemon acid loosens fat only from surfaces (i.e. as a cleaner) but not in the body. Lemon juice diets don't have enough nutritional elements - DANGEROUS
Smoking makes Skinny
WRONG this legend started because many people gained weight once they quit but only because they changed their addiction to food
Weight loss by drinking tea
WRONG Tee is healthier (green tea protects from cancer) but doesn't cause weight loss. Unless you drink it unsweetened then it counts like water
Light products make light
WRONG They do often have less calories but they fill you up less so you eat more than if you ate the normal version making you gain weight
Sugar makes fat
ONLY PARTIALLY RIGHT sugar contains less calories than fat and is (in carb form) also in all grain products. Important is the amount consumed
Low-Carb diets work
WRONG diets with low-carbs (Atkins, South Beach) do show success in the beginnings. However latest after one year they stop working
Lots of small weights make skinny
WRONG for weight loss it doesn't matter if you eat 5 small meals or 3 large meals but the total amount of calories consumed
Eat half is the easiest
WRONG this method is easy but over a long period time it raises weight. You don't get enough vitamins or fiber
One cold glass before eating
WRONG Although the body needs energy to heat the water up but at 0.5 Liters Ice Water it's only 15 calories which is equal to half a cube of sugar
Fasting detoxifies and causes weight loss
WRONG You loose weight quickly in the beginning due to loss of water weight, later you are missing fats and protein - very unhealthy and over long term make fat
Pineapple stops fat
WRONG The enzymes in pineapple that are supposed to stop that don't work in your intestines. Therefore fat uptake is not changed or lessened
Sport makes fat disappear
WRONG Although it tones but 30 minutes of jogging only burns about the amount in a chocolate candy bar. More important: eat less
Article 3
Think yourself thin
*okay I'm not going to translate the whole article I'm just going to write out the main points*
1. How money influences weight
A study done by Eric A. Finkelstein with 200 overweight people included 3 groups of people. Group 1 got no money to loose weight, Group 2 got $7 per Kilo lost and Group 3 got $14. The group that got the most money per Kilo lost the most weight. This study basically showed that whether real or imagined if what your working for has a reward Dopamin is released. The more we think of it the more Dopamin is release and the higher the motivation is.
2. Why mirrors change our figures
People who want to loose weight should think of their mirror image. At the University of Connecticut showed that participants in a study that had a mirror hanging next to their fridge lost 20 lbs after several weeks while the group that didn't only lost 10 lbs
3. Why thinking can make you full
When you are hungry and think back to your last meal it will lower your appetite about 25%. A study at Birmingham University split up 47 female students into two groups. Women in the first group were told go through their whole day in their mind while the second group was told to think of their last meal. After wards they passed cookies out and the group that thought about their last meal ate 25% less cookies than the first group. Also the longer the meal had already passed, the stronger the detailed thoughts lowered the appetite.
4. How we loose weight in our sleep
Due to a coincidence a study at the Walter Reed Army Meidcal Center came to the conclusion that who thinks of getting enough sleep (7-8 hours a night) looses weight automatically. What they wanted to study was Heart health on nurses, what they noticed also was that the nurses who made sure to get enough sleep were slimmer than the ones who didn't. The scientist think that with less sleep less of the appetite stopping hormone Leptin is released
5. How thinking of the scale can lessen hunger
If you want to loose weight you should weigh yourself every day *I am so happy to read this because it makes it ok* At the University of Minnesota a study with 3000 participants, including the ones just wanting to keep their weight lost weight when they were confronted with their scale on a daily basis.
Article 4
Weight loss with the Thin-Clock
*Basically this article tells you when to eat what foods and why- I also just paraphrased it*
7am Nutritional scientist suggest drinking a warm glass of water with lemon on an empty stomach. Effect: The metabolism gets started and the enzymes in lemons help fat digestion
8am you may dig in at breakfast because your energy reserves are empty after sleep. If they aren't filled right away the brain sends out hunger signals. A breakfast with carbohydrates and protein let's us start the day optimally. Example: Whole-grain bread *remember german bread is being referred to here* tomato and cheese, unsweetened muesly with fruits and yogurt or milk. Taboo: White-Flour bread, sweet coffee specialties, chocolate spread raise our insulin levels quickly
10am Fruit are high in nutrients and are often 90% water, which fills with low calories. A small snack barely bothers insulin levels. Best are apples, berries, oranges, kiwis and grapefruits. Hands off fruit yogurt, dried fruits, and smoothies they are to high in sugar and later cause appetite
1pm- Best at lunch is fish and poultry and lean steaks. with it a large salad or veggies. Taboo are because of their high sugar levels carrots and peas. the intake of carbs should be limited allowed with large hunger are 2 potatoes or a small portion brown rice. No Noodles, french fries or fried potatoes or breaded meats or fish.
4pm- the second fruit snack gets fatburn started if they aren't extremely sweet like bananas, melons or grapes. if you like coffee you may have a cup with it. allowed is 1 Tbsp Milk no sugar. Alternatives: Herbal or black tea. both support the metabolism
7pm- Veggies or salad are low calorie and deliver important fiber in the evening. Protein supports fat burn especially well because they fill you up and support the production of growth hormones that speed up fat burn during sleep. Keeping away from Bread, noodles, and potatoes and high fat meats (salami, sausages, bologna) keep insulin levels low which are the best conditions for weight loss during sleep
10pm- This yogurt drink is the ideal sleep drink to burn fat. The nutrients in cucumber (calium, zinc, water) flush out water and toxins.
125g low fat yogurt
2Tbsp. cubed cucumber
4 chopped mint leaves
mix well
Article 1
The Biggest Mistakes about Eating Habits
When it is hot, eat less
WRONG Our body cannot use surrounding heat as energy. To keep a normal body temperature constantly when it's hot your
body needs even more energy - sweating costs energy
Man needs Warm meals daily
WRONG There is no scientific proof for this. It's better to eat lukewarm: Food that is to hot raises the risk for esophogous
cancer.
Eating late at night causes weight gain
WRONG Weight gain or loss does not depend on the time of consumption but the total amount of energy consumed throughout
the day. Weight gain happens when you take in more calories than you use.
Eggs are unhealthy and raise cholesterol
WRONG chicken eggs are among the healthiest foods, they contain almost all important nutritional elements, They do contain
cholesterol but not the dangerous LDL-cholesterol
Alkohol helps digestion
WRONG Beer and High % Alcohol interrupt the Fat-Metabolism and slow down digestion
Fat makes you sick
WRONG According to studies active bigger people are healthier than weak skinny people. Important: More plant fats than animal fats.
(Red)Wine is good for your heart
ONLY HALF RIGHT Alcohol raises blood pressure- cause for Heart Disease and Heart Attacks. Only Red Wine contains Polyphenole that protect against it. However: Maximum 1 Glass a Day
Honey is good for Babies with colds
WRONG A bacteria in Honey can be life threatening for small children. So never sweeten teas for babies especially their first year with honey
Chocolate causes Acne
WRONG Cause for Acne are Acne-bacteria in the skin not chocolate
Vegetarians loose weight quicker
WRONG It doesn't matter whether you eat meat or not, but how many calories you take in. Many vegetarian foods have high calorie amounts i.e. Nuts, plant oils
Sweets do not contain vitamins
WRONG Marzipan and Nougat are filled with almonds and nuts so they have many vitamins especially Vitamin E and B6
Fresh bread causes stomach aches
WRONG This was told so people would use the old bread before the new bread
Brown Sugar is healthier than white sugar
WRONG Brown sugar barely differentiates itself from white sugar in its chemical roperties. Since brown sugar contains more water it is an excellent breeding ground for bacteria
Sweeteners make hungry
WRONG Sweeteners do not cause appetite, since they don't influence blood sugar or insulin levels that are responsible for a feeling of fullness
Mushrooms and Spinach should not be reheated
WRONG If kept in the fridge they can be reheated
Article 2
The biggest Diet Mistakes
Muesli makes slim
WRONG most Mueslis have to much sugar (added or fruit sugars) because of this it sometimes has more calories than sugar
Spicy spices burn fat
ONLY PARTIALLY RIGHT they heat the body and encourage blood spreading throughout the body but that does not raise fat burning to measurable levels
Margarine makes skinny
WRONG Although many improvements even light margarine has fat levels in the double digits (usually around 40%) therefore having a high calorie amount
Sex makes skinny
ONLY PARTIALLY RIGHT Sex raises activity and calorie usage but only minimally not comparable with jogging and biking
Butter makes skinny
WRONG Butter is almost completely made out of fat, and so has more calories than margarine. Even though a few shady studies have proven the opposite
Lemons loosen FAT
WRONG Lemon acid loosens fat only from surfaces (i.e. as a cleaner) but not in the body. Lemon juice diets don't have enough nutritional elements - DANGEROUS
Smoking makes Skinny
WRONG this legend started because many people gained weight once they quit but only because they changed their addiction to food
Weight loss by drinking tea
WRONG Tee is healthier (green tea protects from cancer) but doesn't cause weight loss. Unless you drink it unsweetened then it counts like water
Light products make light
WRONG They do often have less calories but they fill you up less so you eat more than if you ate the normal version making you gain weight
Sugar makes fat
ONLY PARTIALLY RIGHT sugar contains less calories than fat and is (in carb form) also in all grain products. Important is the amount consumed
Low-Carb diets work
WRONG diets with low-carbs (Atkins, South Beach) do show success in the beginnings. However latest after one year they stop working
Lots of small weights make skinny
WRONG for weight loss it doesn't matter if you eat 5 small meals or 3 large meals but the total amount of calories consumed
Eat half is the easiest
WRONG this method is easy but over a long period time it raises weight. You don't get enough vitamins or fiber
One cold glass before eating
WRONG Although the body needs energy to heat the water up but at 0.5 Liters Ice Water it's only 15 calories which is equal to half a cube of sugar
Fasting detoxifies and causes weight loss
WRONG You loose weight quickly in the beginning due to loss of water weight, later you are missing fats and protein - very unhealthy and over long term make fat
Pineapple stops fat
WRONG The enzymes in pineapple that are supposed to stop that don't work in your intestines. Therefore fat uptake is not changed or lessened
Sport makes fat disappear
WRONG Although it tones but 30 minutes of jogging only burns about the amount in a chocolate candy bar. More important: eat less
Article 3
Think yourself thin
*okay I'm not going to translate the whole article I'm just going to write out the main points*
1. How money influences weight
A study done by Eric A. Finkelstein with 200 overweight people included 3 groups of people. Group 1 got no money to loose weight, Group 2 got $7 per Kilo lost and Group 3 got $14. The group that got the most money per Kilo lost the most weight. This study basically showed that whether real or imagined if what your working for has a reward Dopamin is released. The more we think of it the more Dopamin is release and the higher the motivation is.
2. Why mirrors change our figures
People who want to loose weight should think of their mirror image. At the University of Connecticut showed that participants in a study that had a mirror hanging next to their fridge lost 20 lbs after several weeks while the group that didn't only lost 10 lbs
3. Why thinking can make you full
When you are hungry and think back to your last meal it will lower your appetite about 25%. A study at Birmingham University split up 47 female students into two groups. Women in the first group were told go through their whole day in their mind while the second group was told to think of their last meal. After wards they passed cookies out and the group that thought about their last meal ate 25% less cookies than the first group. Also the longer the meal had already passed, the stronger the detailed thoughts lowered the appetite.
4. How we loose weight in our sleep
Due to a coincidence a study at the Walter Reed Army Meidcal Center came to the conclusion that who thinks of getting enough sleep (7-8 hours a night) looses weight automatically. What they wanted to study was Heart health on nurses, what they noticed also was that the nurses who made sure to get enough sleep were slimmer than the ones who didn't. The scientist think that with less sleep less of the appetite stopping hormone Leptin is released
5. How thinking of the scale can lessen hunger
If you want to loose weight you should weigh yourself every day *I am so happy to read this because it makes it ok* At the University of Minnesota a study with 3000 participants, including the ones just wanting to keep their weight lost weight when they were confronted with their scale on a daily basis.
Article 4
Weight loss with the Thin-Clock
*Basically this article tells you when to eat what foods and why- I also just paraphrased it*
7am Nutritional scientist suggest drinking a warm glass of water with lemon on an empty stomach. Effect: The metabolism gets started and the enzymes in lemons help fat digestion
8am you may dig in at breakfast because your energy reserves are empty after sleep. If they aren't filled right away the brain sends out hunger signals. A breakfast with carbohydrates and protein let's us start the day optimally. Example: Whole-grain bread *remember german bread is being referred to here* tomato and cheese, unsweetened muesly with fruits and yogurt or milk. Taboo: White-Flour bread, sweet coffee specialties, chocolate spread raise our insulin levels quickly
10am Fruit are high in nutrients and are often 90% water, which fills with low calories. A small snack barely bothers insulin levels. Best are apples, berries, oranges, kiwis and grapefruits. Hands off fruit yogurt, dried fruits, and smoothies they are to high in sugar and later cause appetite
1pm- Best at lunch is fish and poultry and lean steaks. with it a large salad or veggies. Taboo are because of their high sugar levels carrots and peas. the intake of carbs should be limited allowed with large hunger are 2 potatoes or a small portion brown rice. No Noodles, french fries or fried potatoes or breaded meats or fish.
4pm- the second fruit snack gets fatburn started if they aren't extremely sweet like bananas, melons or grapes. if you like coffee you may have a cup with it. allowed is 1 Tbsp Milk no sugar. Alternatives: Herbal or black tea. both support the metabolism
7pm- Veggies or salad are low calorie and deliver important fiber in the evening. Protein supports fat burn especially well because they fill you up and support the production of growth hormones that speed up fat burn during sleep. Keeping away from Bread, noodles, and potatoes and high fat meats (salami, sausages, bologna) keep insulin levels low which are the best conditions for weight loss during sleep
10pm- This yogurt drink is the ideal sleep drink to burn fat. The nutrients in cucumber (calium, zinc, water) flush out water and toxins.
125g low fat yogurt
2Tbsp. cubed cucumber
4 chopped mint leaves
mix well
Something to ponder
So in order to keep from turning the kitchen upside down for something to munch on I looked up some quotes about food and eating and such...I find them really good. But before that a whore out (^_^)
Avani who's blog is called Starving Artists. She just recently started it, and she needs followers, also so far I like reading it, plus if you start following now there aren't to many posts to catch up with!! Plus she likes my blog which clearly shows how awesome she is. LOL
Ok now to the quotes enjoy:
Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live ~ Socrates
If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner ~ H.S. Leigh
Preach not to others what they should eat, but eat as becomes you, and be silent ~ Epictetus (yeah people around me need to follow this)
The one way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life ~ Cyril Connoll0y
If only it was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate. ~Diogenes the Cynic
Great eaters and great sleepers are incapable of anything else that is great. ~Henry IV of France
Eat little, sleep sound. ~Iranian Proverb
The more you eat, the less flavor; the less you eat, the more flavor. ~Chinese Proverb
In general, mankind, since the improvement in cookery, eats twice as much as nature requires. ~Benjamin Franklin
He that eats till he is sick must fast till he is well. ~English Proverb
The belly is ungrateful--it always forgets we already gave it something. ~ Russian Proverb
To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~ Proverb
Avani who's blog is called Starving Artists. She just recently started it, and she needs followers, also so far I like reading it, plus if you start following now there aren't to many posts to catch up with!! Plus she likes my blog which clearly shows how awesome she is. LOL
Ok now to the quotes enjoy:
Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live ~ Socrates
If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner ~ H.S. Leigh
Preach not to others what they should eat, but eat as becomes you, and be silent ~ Epictetus (yeah people around me need to follow this)
The one way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life ~ Cyril Connoll0y
If only it was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate. ~Diogenes the Cynic
Great eaters and great sleepers are incapable of anything else that is great. ~Henry IV of France
Eat little, sleep sound. ~Iranian Proverb
The more you eat, the less flavor; the less you eat, the more flavor. ~Chinese Proverb
In general, mankind, since the improvement in cookery, eats twice as much as nature requires. ~Benjamin Franklin
He that eats till he is sick must fast till he is well. ~English Proverb
The belly is ungrateful--it always forgets we already gave it something. ~ Russian Proverb
To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~ Proverb
man
ok so my back is still fucked. at least i'm drinking a lot yesterday i had about 3 liters of tea. but i still ate, it's kinda hard not to when oji-san (grandpa) keeps saying, you don't eat enough that's why you are like this. so as long as they are here or rather i'm staying in this house i'll have to eat. kind of normal. i can skip breakfast but not lunch and dinner. they'll actually go out of their way to cook vegan for me. they eat mostly vegetarian but for me they'll make an extra pot without the butter. yesterday it was soup.
on the bright side i ordered myself a step aerobics video. yeah taking it back to the 80's i might even wear leg warmers when i work out. i would wear the leotard but god i would probably scare the shit out of anybody who saw me, including myself. i love step aerobics so i'm hoping i'll stick to it. i'm glad my stepper is already unpacked, which of course doesn't do me any good while my back is still fucked up, and i'm not at home.
i brought two dvds with me, pilates and qi gong, i can forget about doing pilates but i might just pop in the qi gong and see how far i can take it with the pain. it might not burn a lot of calories but at least it's some sort of motion and might help my back since it's slow.
the P.U.s are coming back on wednesday. thank goodness. don't have to worry about the shop after that and i can take my ass home. my very unfinished home without a kitchen however i can start looking for a kitchen once their back because i'll have the transportation means for it then. oh happy fucking day. i need a kitchen because then all the stuff will be organized and i can use a scale for exact measurements.
i haven't weighed myself lately because the scale is still downstairs and i always forget to go down there before i drink anything. i refuse to step on the scale after any consumption because i'm scared enough of the number as it is because while working this week i had chinese food. lots of it, i'd forget purging is not an option.
well guys stay strong, i also have 1 more follower, makes me happy, in my pants. i need to really get strong also for all the followers, what's the point in following me if it's only whining right?
anyway
stay strong
MUAH
on the bright side i ordered myself a step aerobics video. yeah taking it back to the 80's i might even wear leg warmers when i work out. i would wear the leotard but god i would probably scare the shit out of anybody who saw me, including myself. i love step aerobics so i'm hoping i'll stick to it. i'm glad my stepper is already unpacked, which of course doesn't do me any good while my back is still fucked up, and i'm not at home.
i brought two dvds with me, pilates and qi gong, i can forget about doing pilates but i might just pop in the qi gong and see how far i can take it with the pain. it might not burn a lot of calories but at least it's some sort of motion and might help my back since it's slow.
the P.U.s are coming back on wednesday. thank goodness. don't have to worry about the shop after that and i can take my ass home. my very unfinished home without a kitchen however i can start looking for a kitchen once their back because i'll have the transportation means for it then. oh happy fucking day. i need a kitchen because then all the stuff will be organized and i can use a scale for exact measurements.
i haven't weighed myself lately because the scale is still downstairs and i always forget to go down there before i drink anything. i refuse to step on the scale after any consumption because i'm scared enough of the number as it is because while working this week i had chinese food. lots of it, i'd forget purging is not an option.
well guys stay strong, i also have 1 more follower, makes me happy, in my pants. i need to really get strong also for all the followers, what's the point in following me if it's only whining right?
anyway
stay strong
MUAH
Friday, September 24, 2010
not really a reading necessity
turn your blog into a book?
i just saw the add...wow if i turned this into a book somebody could find it and then...wooooooow
shit would really hit the fucking fan...scaryyyy
i just saw the add...wow if i turned this into a book somebody could find it and then...wooooooow
shit would really hit the fucking fan...scaryyyy
yay
i'm up to 17 followers today.
however i'm still in bitch mode so i apologize for the angry negative whiny post following
however i'm a fat ass pig. i hope for each and every person that ever reads this post that you never hurt your back. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy...actually i would wish it on any bitch i never liked and hope she gets sooo fat because she can't move....oh yeah pain can make one spiteful.
besides the back pain let me fill you in
on saturday my P.U.s had to fly to the states to turn off the machines that were keeping my grandmother (fahjas side) alive because she was practically a vegetable after having fallen into a coma. i know i should be super sad but after my sadness-binge i was fine with the exception of hating myself. well on sunday morning i fucked up my back. my grandparents came that day (the ones i couldn't live without) which was great because little one needed attention and mommy couldn't give it because well i couldn't fucking move.
anyway so now this week i've been working in my mother's shop to help out while the grandparents are watching mini me. now why did i share all this? because i just wanted to let each one of you know:
I HATE WORKING WITH PEOPLE
they make me way to self conscious, I already feel like a lard ass but their eyes make me feel like i'm spreading an inch a second...crazy? yeah I know (but I got the hospital stay to prove it)
another reason i wanted to share that information was because being that my grandparents were coming down anyway to help me out and such i could've went to work out...nobody supports that shit more than my grandparents...those to athletic fuckers (said in a jealous tone) go running every other day. how awesome is that? extremely awesome, however it sucks fucking ass cheeks that the athleticism skipped my genes...i got all the fat genes from my bio-fahja dammit. well now that i would've had the chance to work out without a mini-me interruption i've knocked out my back indulging in one of my favorite past times....i wish it would've been a great lay or something
anyway
stay lovely guys
stay strong
muah
EDIT:
this chicky needs followers, she's just starting out so check her out
her name is Lindsey
anyone else need whoring???? (^_^)
however i'm still in bitch mode so i apologize for the angry negative whiny post following
however i'm a fat ass pig. i hope for each and every person that ever reads this post that you never hurt your back. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy...actually i would wish it on any bitch i never liked and hope she gets sooo fat because she can't move....oh yeah pain can make one spiteful.
besides the back pain let me fill you in
on saturday my P.U.s had to fly to the states to turn off the machines that were keeping my grandmother (fahjas side) alive because she was practically a vegetable after having fallen into a coma. i know i should be super sad but after my sadness-binge i was fine with the exception of hating myself. well on sunday morning i fucked up my back. my grandparents came that day (the ones i couldn't live without) which was great because little one needed attention and mommy couldn't give it because well i couldn't fucking move.
anyway so now this week i've been working in my mother's shop to help out while the grandparents are watching mini me. now why did i share all this? because i just wanted to let each one of you know:
I HATE WORKING WITH PEOPLE
they make me way to self conscious, I already feel like a lard ass but their eyes make me feel like i'm spreading an inch a second...crazy? yeah I know (but I got the hospital stay to prove it)
another reason i wanted to share that information was because being that my grandparents were coming down anyway to help me out and such i could've went to work out...nobody supports that shit more than my grandparents...those to athletic fuckers (said in a jealous tone) go running every other day. how awesome is that? extremely awesome, however it sucks fucking ass cheeks that the athleticism skipped my genes...i got all the fat genes from my bio-fahja dammit. well now that i would've had the chance to work out without a mini-me interruption i've knocked out my back indulging in one of my favorite past times....i wish it would've been a great lay or something
anyway
stay lovely guys
stay strong
muah
EDIT:
this chicky needs followers, she's just starting out so check her out
her name is Lindsey
anyone else need whoring???? (^_^)
Thursday, September 23, 2010
If you really knew me...
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Monday, September 20, 2010
man this sucks
ok so yesterday after i had a mini-binge as I was kneeling down purging i fucked up my back. i don't really know how it happened maybe the violence of the purge just knocked something outta place but let's just say i could barely move yesterday and i couldn't get all of the binge out. wtf, is it a sign from above/below? i don't know but it's fucked up. i couldn't weigh myself this morning because the scale is in the downstairs bathroom and my back and the stairs are not on good terms right now. I could ask my grandparents to bring it up but I hate asking them to do stuff for me because well they are already doing so much just helping me with mini-me. this one is short because sitting is also super uncomfortable but i'm getting better. i wanted to start with qi gong and pilates today but i guess that'll just have to wait until i can move properly again.
i've been watching skins, i'm now on season 3. oh it's a good show but in my head i now talk with a british accent. retarded right?
stay strong
muah
i've been watching skins, i'm now on season 3. oh it's a good show but in my head i now talk with a british accent. retarded right?
stay strong
muah
Sunday, September 19, 2010
OMG
I'm at 165.3 lbs (75kg). Oh yeah happy dance happy dance happy happy happy dance. Before I left my moms I was always around 77, but somehow I managed to drop 2kg. This is freaking awesome.
However I will have to admit, yesterday everything I ate was purged with the exception of a tomato & black olive salad. I probably didn't drink enough either. I will be making up for that today. I just made myself 1L of tea. I'm just waiting for it to cool off because I have a killer headache. Probably dehydration. But for that result it's worth it. I am much more motivated than I have been since....I don't know how long.
Yippeee....
now some thinspo
Stay Strong
MUAH
However I will have to admit, yesterday everything I ate was purged with the exception of a tomato & black olive salad. I probably didn't drink enough either. I will be making up for that today. I just made myself 1L of tea. I'm just waiting for it to cool off because I have a killer headache. Probably dehydration. But for that result it's worth it. I am much more motivated than I have been since....I don't know how long.
Yippeee....
now some thinspo
Stay Strong
MUAH
Friday, September 17, 2010
since i lack discipline...
i've decided to make myself a spread sheet. i will record my complete calorie intake, that includes binges and everything because i need to do something to get back on track because i do not need to be fat!!!
i'll post my results in the evenings!!!
i'll post my results in the evenings!!!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Hypocrite much?
Oh yeah talking about myself. After a final attempt in giving myself a kick in the ass with the previous post (and possibly you guys to...idk), I've horribly failed.
Yesterday went something like this:
Binge, Purge
Binge, Purge
Binge, Purge
Order from Delivery Service
Binge, Purge
Binge, Purge
Binge, Purge
and then every left over Binging material was finished off with a similar pattern.
disgusting I know. I spend about 50 Euros on binging food yesterday...alone the money should be enough to keep me from doing it.
I don't even know how much I binged and purged but I'm sure the binging amount rivaled a supersize vs. superskinny participants daily intake.
I am kinda disgusted with myself however on another end i'm proud because i actually always went to purge. i didn't try to keep it in. so maybe that kick in the ass did work just not in the way i wanted it to.
i do believe thinking positive helps however. i'll stick to that. but the binging has to stop as do the multiple purges a day. i know it's bad for me but it is addicting and it does make me feel better but i do want to be there for my kid in the future so i need to seriously stop the excessive purging.
I want my restriction back
I am so sorry to all my followers for not having been very positive in my posting recently. please forgive me!!!!
Stay Strong (stronger than me!)!!!
MUAH
Yesterday went something like this:
Binge, Purge
Binge, Purge
Binge, Purge
Order from Delivery Service
Binge, Purge
Binge, Purge
Binge, Purge
and then every left over Binging material was finished off with a similar pattern.
disgusting I know. I spend about 50 Euros on binging food yesterday...alone the money should be enough to keep me from doing it.
I don't even know how much I binged and purged but I'm sure the binging amount rivaled a supersize vs. superskinny participants daily intake.
I am kinda disgusted with myself however on another end i'm proud because i actually always went to purge. i didn't try to keep it in. so maybe that kick in the ass did work just not in the way i wanted it to.
i do believe thinking positive helps however. i'll stick to that. but the binging has to stop as do the multiple purges a day. i know it's bad for me but it is addicting and it does make me feel better but i do want to be there for my kid in the future so i need to seriously stop the excessive purging.
I want my restriction back
I am so sorry to all my followers for not having been very positive in my posting recently. please forgive me!!!!
Stay Strong (stronger than me!)!!!
MUAH
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Ugh...but still a kinda lecture
Ok so I just binged...and purged. I woke up this morning feeling nauseous after I don't know...I just woke up that way. However by the time I was done with my appointment about getting my kitchen (which has been approved I should have the money next week), I wasn't feeling sick anymore but I had to get groceries and well I bought mostly shit. Truth be told as I was sitting on the bus I was planning that shit out. Pathetic I know...
Anyway now on to what I've been wanting to write since early this morning:
We need to think positively I know it sounds like bullshit but that shit works. That's how I got started on my journey and I've just now remembered it.
We mostly feel ugly and fat, well why else would we be on this journey of weight loss right? Others tell us we're beautiful but we don't believe them regardless of how much we may love to hear it we still feel bullshitted...
We need to tell ourselves everyday that we are going to be our goal weight and the rest will probably follow naturally. with that i do not mean just by thinking positive the weight will come up but we will feel more natural following whatever way we have set out for ourselves. I've started telling myself in a chipper and happy voice "I will be 50kg, I will be 50kg, I will be 50kg" because when I first started the weight I was wishing for was higher but the more I told myself the easier I found restriction.
I know it might sound crazy and lunatic kinda something out of a self-help book but trust me people that shit works.
We attract what we put out. If we put out positive thoughts for our weight loss, it will be that much easier. I like to think it's the energy of the world and universe at work but it's probably just self mind-fucking yourself to believe it's easy.
We must stop talking about how hard it is and start telling ourselves we will get to where we are going.
I know it's not going to be easy all the time and we will fall down but hell if we try to stay positive then at least we can get our shrinking asses back up again.
At least this is what I will be doing from now on telling myself where I will get and just know what I do will get easier to do.
I don't know how to really end this post, take it as you will? use it or don't? Try it, it might work for you?
I don't know...anyway guys
Stay Strong
MUAH
Anyway now on to what I've been wanting to write since early this morning:
We need to think positively I know it sounds like bullshit but that shit works. That's how I got started on my journey and I've just now remembered it.
We mostly feel ugly and fat, well why else would we be on this journey of weight loss right? Others tell us we're beautiful but we don't believe them regardless of how much we may love to hear it we still feel bullshitted...
We need to tell ourselves everyday that we are going to be our goal weight and the rest will probably follow naturally. with that i do not mean just by thinking positive the weight will come up but we will feel more natural following whatever way we have set out for ourselves. I've started telling myself in a chipper and happy voice "I will be 50kg, I will be 50kg, I will be 50kg" because when I first started the weight I was wishing for was higher but the more I told myself the easier I found restriction.
I know it might sound crazy and lunatic kinda something out of a self-help book but trust me people that shit works.
We attract what we put out. If we put out positive thoughts for our weight loss, it will be that much easier. I like to think it's the energy of the world and universe at work but it's probably just self mind-fucking yourself to believe it's easy.
We must stop talking about how hard it is and start telling ourselves we will get to where we are going.
I know it's not going to be easy all the time and we will fall down but hell if we try to stay positive then at least we can get our shrinking asses back up again.
At least this is what I will be doing from now on telling myself where I will get and just know what I do will get easier to do.
I don't know how to really end this post, take it as you will? use it or don't? Try it, it might work for you?
I don't know...anyway guys
Stay Strong
MUAH
Sunday, September 12, 2010
another post filled with whining...
i hate my bookshelves. i've organized most of them. I have four bookshelves. one for non-fiction, two for novels, one for kiddie and teenie books. I have the kid books and novels organized alphabetically by author. I haven't even done the non-fiction yet. why do i hate them? because the sizes are all fucked up. i can't fucking stand it. why can't all books have standard sizes? why can't authors stick to one size? so why don't i organize them by size? because i hate having them out of alphabetical order. ughh this is so fucking bothersome!!! i wish i had a magic wand to make all books the same sizes!! i can't get rid of them either i love books. this will probably bother me forever.
i really want to stop eating but i can't seem to. i hate going to grocery stores i never been to before and finding more shit that's vegan friendly. why does there have to be vegan ice cream and cookies? been binging on those this past week. why do i sometimes purge and sometimes not? i don't know. it's like sometimes i want to make my mistake better and sometimes i want the punishment. however why do i even have to get myself in that situation? why can't i just not eat? i also catch myself making excuses in my head. at first it was just wait until i get into my own place, well now i'm here and my new excuse is once i have a kitchen.
let me tell you the truth on why i miss smoking pot so much...it helped me not eat. i know most people get the munchies i somehow talk myself into how disgusting food is in a high state of mind. i want to smoke so bad. i feel like it gives me more control, however i only have that control in that aspect. i shouldn't smoke. i really shouldn't i know but it's so fucking tempting. let me escape for a little while please...however i don't deserve escape what i need to do is get a fucking grip on myself. i know i can do it, i have fucking goals i need to reach. weight goals and life goals. i can't do that just whining about how much i'm fucking up. even though i'm writing this now will i stick to it? i really don't know. it's fucking ridiculous.
the last few posts have been nothing but me whining about my lack of self control. i hate whiners...i hate myself. i just need to get a grip.
i still haven't been to my mom's house to get the rest of my shit. why? well partially because of laziness but also because i'm fucking terrified of my scale. i forgot it there. and i fear it now because i know once i have it i'll have to get on it and once i'll get on it...well with several binges we know what that means. unless i'm lucky somehow but luck isn't my strong suit.
i need to figure out how to get this eating under control. i know i'm not eating out of hunger. i think it's boredom but i shouldn't be bored. however i am. i need to work on my apartment but i'm lazy. well guys sorry about another rant
stay strong
MUAH
i really want to stop eating but i can't seem to. i hate going to grocery stores i never been to before and finding more shit that's vegan friendly. why does there have to be vegan ice cream and cookies? been binging on those this past week. why do i sometimes purge and sometimes not? i don't know. it's like sometimes i want to make my mistake better and sometimes i want the punishment. however why do i even have to get myself in that situation? why can't i just not eat? i also catch myself making excuses in my head. at first it was just wait until i get into my own place, well now i'm here and my new excuse is once i have a kitchen.
let me tell you the truth on why i miss smoking pot so much...it helped me not eat. i know most people get the munchies i somehow talk myself into how disgusting food is in a high state of mind. i want to smoke so bad. i feel like it gives me more control, however i only have that control in that aspect. i shouldn't smoke. i really shouldn't i know but it's so fucking tempting. let me escape for a little while please...however i don't deserve escape what i need to do is get a fucking grip on myself. i know i can do it, i have fucking goals i need to reach. weight goals and life goals. i can't do that just whining about how much i'm fucking up. even though i'm writing this now will i stick to it? i really don't know. it's fucking ridiculous.
the last few posts have been nothing but me whining about my lack of self control. i hate whiners...i hate myself. i just need to get a grip.
i still haven't been to my mom's house to get the rest of my shit. why? well partially because of laziness but also because i'm fucking terrified of my scale. i forgot it there. and i fear it now because i know once i have it i'll have to get on it and once i'll get on it...well with several binges we know what that means. unless i'm lucky somehow but luck isn't my strong suit.
i need to figure out how to get this eating under control. i know i'm not eating out of hunger. i think it's boredom but i shouldn't be bored. however i am. i need to work on my apartment but i'm lazy. well guys sorry about another rant
stay strong
MUAH
Saturday, September 11, 2010
thinspiration is...
your kid playing with your back fat!!!
i binged yesterday purged binged again didn't purge.
i'm getting my scale today hope seeing the numbers give me the push
i need to start drinking coffee again
this ones short
stay strong
muah
i binged yesterday purged binged again didn't purge.
i'm getting my scale today hope seeing the numbers give me the push
i need to start drinking coffee again
this ones short
stay strong
muah
Thursday, September 9, 2010
i'm back
so it's time to update you guys on what i've been up to since my release from the hospital and day clinic, besides the obvious move and the whining about my lack of self control.
but i'll start with my eating since that is what this blog is supposed to be mostly about.
basically i've been going through binge and purge lately. i think somewhere deep down inside it's more because i can now whenever i want pretty much. let's ignore the fact that it's bad for my health and the fact that when i do purge i feel really guilty because i look at myself as a loser because it feels like the purging is just an excuse for me to not use self control however i do enjoy it on some level.
as of tomorrow it's time to start a new. i will probably start my self control as i did before. constantly talking to myself, asking myself are you really hungry. i need to start drinking more. i know for a fact that i don't drink enough liquid throughout the day. but since i've unpacked all my teas now i don't really have any excuse. and when i eat i need to really start drinking the ginger tea after, since it helps boost the metabolism and burn fat. i also plan on starting some sort of work out. don't know quite what yet but i'm starting to find all my work out dvds so that would be a good place to start. plus mini me can join in. i miss my scale i forgot it at my moms house but i'm going on saturday so i should be ok until then but it bugs me not to have it. I'll try to see it positively and say this just gives me a few days of getting back into the swing of things.
well let's see what else....i don't think to much else has happened that's even worth a mention...
as of tomorrow i'll start keeping a food diary on here again and once i have my scale i'll update on my weight much as i did in the beginning and also update on the side there.
EDIT: one part somehow got completely cut out damn it
since i've gotten out of the hospital i've had a social worker to help me with all the important stuff that's official. i'm glad, she's a big help and i don't have to make the phone calls that just bring up my social anxiety. she's nice as well. plus mini-me likes her.
i'm gonna cut my hair pretty soon. i just want to start a new and that includes me cutting off my hair. when i know when i'll do a before and after.
i realized my bath tub is shorter than the one in my old apartment which kinda sucks but taking a bath was just as awesome!!!
oh just watched a program called red it's a star magazine and they basically where talking about curvy celebs and how skinny is out....sorry that's a trend i can't follow i'm a fat ass now not feeling it, i can't lie to myself like i used to and say big is beautiful and i'm happy that way...fuck that
i wanna look hungry!!!
stay strong
muah
but i'll start with my eating since that is what this blog is supposed to be mostly about.
basically i've been going through binge and purge lately. i think somewhere deep down inside it's more because i can now whenever i want pretty much. let's ignore the fact that it's bad for my health and the fact that when i do purge i feel really guilty because i look at myself as a loser because it feels like the purging is just an excuse for me to not use self control however i do enjoy it on some level.
as of tomorrow it's time to start a new. i will probably start my self control as i did before. constantly talking to myself, asking myself are you really hungry. i need to start drinking more. i know for a fact that i don't drink enough liquid throughout the day. but since i've unpacked all my teas now i don't really have any excuse. and when i eat i need to really start drinking the ginger tea after, since it helps boost the metabolism and burn fat. i also plan on starting some sort of work out. don't know quite what yet but i'm starting to find all my work out dvds so that would be a good place to start. plus mini me can join in. i miss my scale i forgot it at my moms house but i'm going on saturday so i should be ok until then but it bugs me not to have it. I'll try to see it positively and say this just gives me a few days of getting back into the swing of things.
well let's see what else....i don't think to much else has happened that's even worth a mention...
as of tomorrow i'll start keeping a food diary on here again and once i have my scale i'll update on my weight much as i did in the beginning and also update on the side there.
EDIT: one part somehow got completely cut out damn it
since i've gotten out of the hospital i've had a social worker to help me with all the important stuff that's official. i'm glad, she's a big help and i don't have to make the phone calls that just bring up my social anxiety. she's nice as well. plus mini-me likes her.
i'm gonna cut my hair pretty soon. i just want to start a new and that includes me cutting off my hair. when i know when i'll do a before and after.
i realized my bath tub is shorter than the one in my old apartment which kinda sucks but taking a bath was just as awesome!!!
oh just watched a program called red it's a star magazine and they basically where talking about curvy celebs and how skinny is out....sorry that's a trend i can't follow i'm a fat ass now not feeling it, i can't lie to myself like i used to and say big is beautiful and i'm happy that way...fuck that
i wanna look hungry!!!
stay strong
muah
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
ok since i'm a lazy bum and i'm using my phone this is short. i might have internet as of tomorrow yay i tried posting on some blogs but it won't let me with my phon idk why. sleeping in my place is great even without a kitchen no more bitching from mom and any unnecessary eating can freely be followed by a purge (i know its bad but it feels so fucking good) i should do a better update tomorrow if my friend can loan me that internet stick
stay strong
MUAH
stay strong
MUAH
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
so excited
well i still haven't moved (sunday my mom was no help since she was all hung over, and today i had the worst day of my cold)t' but i'm def moving in the afternoon it's 3 am right now and that i'm still up it's ridiculous but i can't seem to sleep. i watched the first episode of skins (thanks lola) and i loved it.
why am i excited? because tomorrow i start anew, i can finally restrict in peace. today i found out i can get a full time day care spot paid for so i'm excited, now i just have to find the day care center who will provide me with it.
maybe it's a small shimmer of hope.
also i'm excited to be able to take a bath. not a shower but a bath. i haven't had one in so long. i don't really do it at my parents house because "my" bathroom only has a shower in it, plus i like my privacy and i can't get it here.
oh i'm feeling happy.
also i really hope to get more bloggy after my move
why am i excited? because tomorrow i start anew, i can finally restrict in peace. today i found out i can get a full time day care spot paid for so i'm excited, now i just have to find the day care center who will provide me with it.
maybe it's a small shimmer of hope.
also i'm excited to be able to take a bath. not a shower but a bath. i haven't had one in so long. i don't really do it at my parents house because "my" bathroom only has a shower in it, plus i like my privacy and i can't get it here.
oh i'm feeling happy.
also i really hope to get more bloggy after my move
Saturday, September 4, 2010
long overdue update (this ones for you lola (^_^))
warning a big jumble
so my mom is completely drunk and this is the only place i can post it. it's funny because now i see where my drunk antics come from the whole I love everyone thing. however it worries me. I hope she doesn't turn into an alcoholic because i have the slight suspicion she's drinking due to stress and lately she's been drinking more often and by herself. she also just smoked my cig away from me...and she's been a non smoker since the past 12 years now. hmmm...
well onto me...
i'm currently moving into my new place as of tomorrow i'll be sleeping there. it's been stressful. i've been tired. i haven't taken my meds in a while now and i need to because i'm not feeling any emotion towards my mini me lately. which scares me because it's like i'm returning to the person i was before i got into the hospital and started therapy. it's also scary because i don't know if it's the meds that make me love her or the chemical imbalance gets fixed with the meds and just allows me to be normal and who I really am. i just don't know. it's scary and worrying me. i once again feel like things aren't moving forward as they should. i don't know if it's just my impatience.
i might have a day care spot but it's a catholic day care, which would be ok if it wasn't for my mom and my grandparents who are die hard "freethinkers" (their way of saying atheist) and yelling at me and telling me how i should not do that to my child and dumb her down etc. so freaking stressful and it's not even definite if she'll go there since it's just a half-day daycare and i'd rather have her in a full day daycare so i can start working full time.
oh god here comes my drunk mother getting another cigarette. she is really drunk hopefully i can get sleep tonight. at least she's on the phone with a good friend who'll hopefully talk some sense into her.
i'm happy to move into my place tomorrow however it's far from complete, i don't have a kitchen yet and i haven't gotten the money from the welfare department for it yet which sucks ass cheeks. i don't care about me since once i move i can starve and purge in peace once more which i really need to do anyway because i'm a fatass still floating around 77kg. which i know once i start drinking more i'll lose some of that because i've been pretty bad with that lately. we all know drinking is the #1 rule to dropping weight. however i need to be able to feed my kid and all i have is an electric wok, a microwave, a water boiler, a toaster and a coffee maker. so bothersome. sorry mini me.
purging...haven't done it to much lately except when i was moving into my new apartment and was there by myself unpacking boxes and let me tell you my toilet sucks, that bowl is so shallow i have to clean clean the toilet everytime because food just splatters everywhere, i know gross but it's just a fact of my life. maybe i'll take a picture for you guys of the toilet so you know what not to get should you ever choose to buy one for some unknown reason lol.
(my mom just came in again she smells like an alky bum)
i hope i can update more often now that i'm moving because i just need the privacy but my internet isn't on at my new place so i'll have to use my phone which kinda sucks because it'll take forever to post and whatnot. also i hope to catch up on all the blogs i'm following because i haven't. i've been a bad blogger and follower. I deserve a spanking...wait i might like that...i deserve punishment lol.
i have so many things to update but i can't seem to think of them right now i'll need to take notes throughout the day when i think of something so i can post.
lately i've been craving weed. i'm even dreaming about it. i just want a j. however i know if i smoke i can't keep it at the just having fun level. i'd eventually start smoking on a regular basis and turn into the same person i was before april. i can't do that.
i feel like my life is out of control right now. i can't control my weight or the things around me. my mother is being a control freak about everything as well. i keep telling myself once i'm moved out i'll be ok. everything will fall into place but somehow i lack any kind of hope for that. sometimes i just wish i was in a fatal car crash or shot in a mugging. i know most people would say kill yourself but call it being a pussy i feel like i can't do that because of mini me. i want to be there for her but at the same time i don't want to be here. i just want to control my life again. i want to actually enjoy it. i want to be the skinny bitch i should be. i feel like until i'm at my ultimate weight i can't find happiness. and i'm hating myself for not getting there and not having the control to get there.
i found a new fave band (called LuLu) and the lead singer is hotness...underweight hotness at that i calculated his bmi (thank you japanese bands for posting your artists heights and weights) it's 15.7(112.4lbs[51kg] at 5'9[181cm]), it kind of makes me want to strive for that bmi. i know it's unhealthy and so far away but it's so beautiful. here's pics so you can see him:
oh yeah i love me some men in makeup. well who said i'm normal (^_^)
it's funny when i first started loosing weight and before i started loosing i was anti-bones in the sense that i didn't want them poking out but over time i found them pleasing to the eye and beautiful. tastes can change eh?
well i'm ready from my bones to show i hope after tonight i can finally know what it's like to feel hungry again. god i'm craving weed right now.
well i'll try to update as much as i possibly can while i don't have internet at my house
ta ta ladies and gents (if any are reading)
Stay Strong
MUAH
so my mom is completely drunk and this is the only place i can post it. it's funny because now i see where my drunk antics come from the whole I love everyone thing. however it worries me. I hope she doesn't turn into an alcoholic because i have the slight suspicion she's drinking due to stress and lately she's been drinking more often and by herself. she also just smoked my cig away from me...and she's been a non smoker since the past 12 years now. hmmm...
well onto me...
i'm currently moving into my new place as of tomorrow i'll be sleeping there. it's been stressful. i've been tired. i haven't taken my meds in a while now and i need to because i'm not feeling any emotion towards my mini me lately. which scares me because it's like i'm returning to the person i was before i got into the hospital and started therapy. it's also scary because i don't know if it's the meds that make me love her or the chemical imbalance gets fixed with the meds and just allows me to be normal and who I really am. i just don't know. it's scary and worrying me. i once again feel like things aren't moving forward as they should. i don't know if it's just my impatience.
i might have a day care spot but it's a catholic day care, which would be ok if it wasn't for my mom and my grandparents who are die hard "freethinkers" (their way of saying atheist) and yelling at me and telling me how i should not do that to my child and dumb her down etc. so freaking stressful and it's not even definite if she'll go there since it's just a half-day daycare and i'd rather have her in a full day daycare so i can start working full time.
oh god here comes my drunk mother getting another cigarette. she is really drunk hopefully i can get sleep tonight. at least she's on the phone with a good friend who'll hopefully talk some sense into her.
i'm happy to move into my place tomorrow however it's far from complete, i don't have a kitchen yet and i haven't gotten the money from the welfare department for it yet which sucks ass cheeks. i don't care about me since once i move i can starve and purge in peace once more which i really need to do anyway because i'm a fatass still floating around 77kg. which i know once i start drinking more i'll lose some of that because i've been pretty bad with that lately. we all know drinking is the #1 rule to dropping weight. however i need to be able to feed my kid and all i have is an electric wok, a microwave, a water boiler, a toaster and a coffee maker. so bothersome. sorry mini me.
purging...haven't done it to much lately except when i was moving into my new apartment and was there by myself unpacking boxes and let me tell you my toilet sucks, that bowl is so shallow i have to clean clean the toilet everytime because food just splatters everywhere, i know gross but it's just a fact of my life. maybe i'll take a picture for you guys of the toilet so you know what not to get should you ever choose to buy one for some unknown reason lol.
(my mom just came in again she smells like an alky bum)
i hope i can update more often now that i'm moving because i just need the privacy but my internet isn't on at my new place so i'll have to use my phone which kinda sucks because it'll take forever to post and whatnot. also i hope to catch up on all the blogs i'm following because i haven't. i've been a bad blogger and follower. I deserve a spanking...wait i might like that...i deserve punishment lol.
i have so many things to update but i can't seem to think of them right now i'll need to take notes throughout the day when i think of something so i can post.
lately i've been craving weed. i'm even dreaming about it. i just want a j. however i know if i smoke i can't keep it at the just having fun level. i'd eventually start smoking on a regular basis and turn into the same person i was before april. i can't do that.
i feel like my life is out of control right now. i can't control my weight or the things around me. my mother is being a control freak about everything as well. i keep telling myself once i'm moved out i'll be ok. everything will fall into place but somehow i lack any kind of hope for that. sometimes i just wish i was in a fatal car crash or shot in a mugging. i know most people would say kill yourself but call it being a pussy i feel like i can't do that because of mini me. i want to be there for her but at the same time i don't want to be here. i just want to control my life again. i want to actually enjoy it. i want to be the skinny bitch i should be. i feel like until i'm at my ultimate weight i can't find happiness. and i'm hating myself for not getting there and not having the control to get there.
i found a new fave band (called LuLu) and the lead singer is hotness...underweight hotness at that i calculated his bmi (thank you japanese bands for posting your artists heights and weights) it's 15.7(112.4lbs[51kg] at 5'9[181cm]), it kind of makes me want to strive for that bmi. i know it's unhealthy and so far away but it's so beautiful. here's pics so you can see him:
oh yeah i love me some men in makeup. well who said i'm normal (^_^)
it's funny when i first started loosing weight and before i started loosing i was anti-bones in the sense that i didn't want them poking out but over time i found them pleasing to the eye and beautiful. tastes can change eh?
well i'm ready from my bones to show i hope after tonight i can finally know what it's like to feel hungry again. god i'm craving weed right now.
well i'll try to update as much as i possibly can while i don't have internet at my house
ta ta ladies and gents (if any are reading)
Stay Strong
MUAH
Saturday, August 14, 2010
writing just a quick update.
i'm currently in the process of moving from my one bdrm to a two. i'm super excited of not having to sleep in the livingroom anymore but until i'm done moving i'm still at my parents since my place os devoid of a kitchen and the new apartment as well and it has to be painted.
anyway i've almost reached 80kg again and i can't seem to control eating also partially because my mom is constantly on my ass wanting to eat out and i can't even use the excuse i ate earlier or anything because she's always there and if i say i don't feel well it has got to be because i'm not eating. can't wait to move oh and i'll probably update my twitter more than here because of time and stuff so feel free to check my page amyway since i got the thingy. oh o have another follower it might take a while but i'll try to read your blog.
stay strong
MUAH
i'm currently in the process of moving from my one bdrm to a two. i'm super excited of not having to sleep in the livingroom anymore but until i'm done moving i'm still at my parents since my place os devoid of a kitchen and the new apartment as well and it has to be painted.
anyway i've almost reached 80kg again and i can't seem to control eating also partially because my mom is constantly on my ass wanting to eat out and i can't even use the excuse i ate earlier or anything because she's always there and if i say i don't feel well it has got to be because i'm not eating. can't wait to move oh and i'll probably update my twitter more than here because of time and stuff so feel free to check my page amyway since i got the thingy. oh o have another follower it might take a while but i'll try to read your blog.
stay strong
MUAH
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
doing better
the past two days i've been able to purge. i've still been avoiding my scale as best i can. surprisingly it's working. i feel the seroquel level in my blood dropping, and slowly my control is returning.
i've started drinking pineapple juice. we've all heard of the pineapple diet i'm sure. just hoping to get some of the benefits.
this one is short as well i'm pretty tired and tomorrow is a long day.
oh and i've got one more follower...THANK YOU
i'm undeserving
stay strong
muah
i've started drinking pineapple juice. we've all heard of the pineapple diet i'm sure. just hoping to get some of the benefits.
this one is short as well i'm pretty tired and tomorrow is a long day.
oh and i've got one more follower...THANK YOU
i'm undeserving
stay strong
muah
Monday, July 19, 2010
fail, fail, oh and don't forget FAIL!!!
yeah i've been eating. at least my weight is at 76.5 kg right now and not at 80. where the hell is my control i was so proud of. i'm almost thinking it's the meds. but i quit taking the one that fucks with my blood pressure. i don't need it anymore. as long as i take my necessary antidepressants i'm fine. FUCK SEROQUEL!!!
i need my control back where the hell is it. seriously have you seen it. i see food and i eat. even mia has left me...or rather i can't get my mom off my ass after i eat. i just want to purge but i can't get away. i need to find a freaking apartment and get the hell outta my p.u.s house. fuck this shit. i blog more later i think mini me is up
i need my control back where the hell is it. seriously have you seen it. i see food and i eat. even mia has left me...or rather i can't get my mom off my ass after i eat. i just want to purge but i can't get away. i need to find a freaking apartment and get the hell outta my p.u.s house. fuck this shit. i blog more later i think mini me is up
Thursday, July 15, 2010
alrighty
starting tomorrow or better yet might as well count now since i'm not eating anything anymore, i will be fasting until (hopefully) next wednesday. if anyone wants to join in (even if not for the whole time) let me know we can support each other. i really need this kick in the butt to get me back on track. i'm once again considering a binge...so not good. i have been a cheating vegan which makes me so angry at myself. and it was stupid shit to not even something healthy like seafood or something...nooo junk. ugh i hate myself for it. i look in the mirror and just see the fat. blurgh blurgh blurgh. i need to be strong. the only thing close to solids that i will allow myself, and that's only when my blood pressure is to low and i get dizzy is either a 50 cal popsicle (it's hot as shit) or pureed fruits. but that's only if it's my blood pressure. i will allow myself one glass of soy milk a day so i'll hopefully won't have to reach back to my sorta solids.
however if the dizzyness isn't to bad i'll enjoy it, it's kinda like a high feeling for me. but then again i try to turn any "negative" side effect into a high feeling he he.
anyway stay strong guys
MUAH
need reverse thinspo just look at my pics he he
thanks for the comment lola i REALLY REALLY appreciate it!!!
however if the dizzyness isn't to bad i'll enjoy it, it's kinda like a high feeling for me. but then again i try to turn any "negative" side effect into a high feeling he he.
anyway stay strong guys
MUAH
need reverse thinspo just look at my pics he he
thanks for the comment lola i REALLY REALLY appreciate it!!!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
oh fuck it
i get such encouraging comments when i post pictures. i'll be posting my before and current in this post.
it's somewhat disgusting (and embarrassing for me) but if it'll inspire anybody that in order to get somewhere you have to actually start even if it is a long ass journey i'm happy for it
this is me at about 253.5 lbs (115kg)
and this is me the past weekend since it was friday night i was probably still around 73kg-74kg...i kinda thought i was hot shit (^_^)
yeah i've still got LOOONG ways to go but shit I'm getting there I swear if this won't motivate me I don't know what will!!!
it's somewhat disgusting (and embarrassing for me) but if it'll inspire anybody that in order to get somewhere you have to actually start even if it is a long ass journey i'm happy for it
this is me at about 253.5 lbs (115kg)
and this is me the past weekend since it was friday night i was probably still around 73kg-74kg...i kinda thought i was hot shit (^_^)
yeah i've still got LOOONG ways to go but shit I'm getting there I swear if this won't motivate me I don't know what will!!!
vegan no longer an option
and i with that i mean, the other day i ate chicken and i threw up...my body was like WTF bitch what are you putting in me???
this'll be a pretty random post so if you read it thanks!!!
so yeah now since the past weekend (fri to sun morning) was much alcohol and a 2 week late celebration of my birthday with my besty. I paused veganism drank a shitload of vodka red bull and went up from 75kg on saturday to damn near 77 by sunday. and i've been drinking soda. that shit is poison and i'm poisoning myself with it. ughhh!!!!
anyway my plan is to start a fast this week. probably friday since fahja is going down rage for 6 months (woohooo, i know sounds mean but hell i don't even care) on thursday.
I want to finish eating my food that i have, just so it won't go bad and since i'm living with the P.U.s I don't feel like hearing their mouths about wasting food. I feel like such a teenager again, and not the grown ass 24 year old i am. oh well at least I can purge. however i'm getting sick of purging. no i still absolutely adore it but ana in me is like stop using purging for stuffing your face like some people use abortions as a contraceptive. I know it's a really harsh comparison but it's how i'm starting to feel like i'm lacking control because i know if i eat i can purge. that's why i didn't allow myself to purge today or yesterday. i need to feel that punishment on my scale tomorrow. i need my self loathing, and i need to stop being a lazy fat ass. i have weight to loose and i plan on getting to my goal by middle october. that's when there'll be a cosplay convention (i'm an j-nerd) i want to go with my besty and her ass is at like 53Kg (i'm so hating). so i can't be a fat ass anymore. felt fat enough this weekend even though we were some hot bitches...i was just to fat. maybe i'll post pics but i'm not really sure...now back to the point
anyway fast details, i'm hoping for a week. i've done it before i should be able to do it again. this time it'll just be a pretty relaxed liquid diet. 200ml of soy milk (74 cals) a day if I want. Juices, and maybe some pureed fruits if I'm really low energy because of my blood pressure.
Stay Strong
MUAH
P.S. I confessed to my besty about my mia-tendencies. she gave me a good tip (after telling me I need to stop that!!). when you feel hungry imagine the last meal you ate in full detail. the texture how it goes down your throat, how you felt full after etc...by that time you shouldn't be hungry anymore.
i haven't tried it yet but once i start my fast i will
this'll be a pretty random post so if you read it thanks!!!
so yeah now since the past weekend (fri to sun morning) was much alcohol and a 2 week late celebration of my birthday with my besty. I paused veganism drank a shitload of vodka red bull and went up from 75kg on saturday to damn near 77 by sunday. and i've been drinking soda. that shit is poison and i'm poisoning myself with it. ughhh!!!!
anyway my plan is to start a fast this week. probably friday since fahja is going down rage for 6 months (woohooo, i know sounds mean but hell i don't even care) on thursday.
I want to finish eating my food that i have, just so it won't go bad and since i'm living with the P.U.s I don't feel like hearing their mouths about wasting food. I feel like such a teenager again, and not the grown ass 24 year old i am. oh well at least I can purge. however i'm getting sick of purging. no i still absolutely adore it but ana in me is like stop using purging for stuffing your face like some people use abortions as a contraceptive. I know it's a really harsh comparison but it's how i'm starting to feel like i'm lacking control because i know if i eat i can purge. that's why i didn't allow myself to purge today or yesterday. i need to feel that punishment on my scale tomorrow. i need my self loathing, and i need to stop being a lazy fat ass. i have weight to loose and i plan on getting to my goal by middle october. that's when there'll be a cosplay convention (i'm an j-nerd) i want to go with my besty and her ass is at like 53Kg (i'm so hating). so i can't be a fat ass anymore. felt fat enough this weekend even though we were some hot bitches...i was just to fat. maybe i'll post pics but i'm not really sure...now back to the point
anyway fast details, i'm hoping for a week. i've done it before i should be able to do it again. this time it'll just be a pretty relaxed liquid diet. 200ml of soy milk (74 cals) a day if I want. Juices, and maybe some pureed fruits if I'm really low energy because of my blood pressure.
Stay Strong
MUAH
P.S. I confessed to my besty about my mia-tendencies. she gave me a good tip (after telling me I need to stop that!!). when you feel hungry imagine the last meal you ate in full detail. the texture how it goes down your throat, how you felt full after etc...by that time you shouldn't be hungry anymore.
i haven't tried it yet but once i start my fast i will
Monday, July 5, 2010
check in and crappy collar bone pic
i wanted to share my collar bones with you guys, mind you i have a crappy light source in this room i have at my P.U.s house so it's kinda shady but you can see one side at least. They aren't quite where I want them but the progress is great, they are the only bones really visible yet so I've got some pride in them. Here goes:
i guess i should care about posting my face but i don't. i don't know why. i hope nobody i knows finds this but if they do maybe it'll be a sign of some sort. i dunno. considering however that i made a new e-mail and screen name never used anywhere else by me I should be pretty safe...I hope.
anyway it's kind of funny some anonymous poster decided to comment me links for a no carb diet and how to kill your own animals. i'm vegan but not for the animal rights. sorry to disappoint you. i'm vegan because i no longer want to be a lard ass and it's given me incredible control over junk food...well not all the way i can still find vegan chips. ate and purged a bag of those today.
i know purging is really bad for my health but like any drug it is so much fun for me and makes me feel good. i know i'll need to stop at some point but i'm still way to many lbs above my goal that i can't seem to care. i have my own little "ritual" i follow.
i'm SLOOOOWLY catching up on blogs and it feels great, it really leaves me wondering as to why in the hell i ever stopped reading...oh wait i was ashamed of me eating and was dealing with my own shit....bad excuses if anybody has understanding it's this community here. i still owe sunshine awards....but i feel like i should catch up on all blogs once more before i post them. i do want to but i'd rather not make any promises i can't keep anymore. it makes me feel crappy and horrible and especially when i break promises to you guys. you know my biggest secrets and don't judge me for them. well i'm off to sleep i love you guys
stay strong
MUAH
i guess i should care about posting my face but i don't. i don't know why. i hope nobody i knows finds this but if they do maybe it'll be a sign of some sort. i dunno. considering however that i made a new e-mail and screen name never used anywhere else by me I should be pretty safe...I hope.
anyway it's kind of funny some anonymous poster decided to comment me links for a no carb diet and how to kill your own animals. i'm vegan but not for the animal rights. sorry to disappoint you. i'm vegan because i no longer want to be a lard ass and it's given me incredible control over junk food...well not all the way i can still find vegan chips. ate and purged a bag of those today.
i know purging is really bad for my health but like any drug it is so much fun for me and makes me feel good. i know i'll need to stop at some point but i'm still way to many lbs above my goal that i can't seem to care. i have my own little "ritual" i follow.
i'm SLOOOOWLY catching up on blogs and it feels great, it really leaves me wondering as to why in the hell i ever stopped reading...oh wait i was ashamed of me eating and was dealing with my own shit....bad excuses if anybody has understanding it's this community here. i still owe sunshine awards....but i feel like i should catch up on all blogs once more before i post them. i do want to but i'd rather not make any promises i can't keep anymore. it makes me feel crappy and horrible and especially when i break promises to you guys. you know my biggest secrets and don't judge me for them. well i'm off to sleep i love you guys
stay strong
MUAH
really quick weigh in
this morning 162.9 lbs (73.9kg) so awesome yaaaay
i have to go now got an appointment and phone calls to make before
i have to go now got an appointment and phone calls to make before
Sunday, July 4, 2010
an actual update
so while i was gone much has happened. obviously i got released and such and started the day clinic with which i'm now done. i'm sure i've mentioned that.
i had one crash and burn situation, not so much related to food though.
this happened sometime in june:
one time i came home to my parents home and first thing that happened is that my fahja just yelled at me. about how long my treatment was taking and how hard it was for them to take care of my mini me (puhleeze asshole my mom did most of the work). oh yeah and of course it's my fault that he has high blood pressure. asshole if you'd stop yelling about everything you wouldn't have high blood pressure. well that was a trigger for my mood going hella low. i had to promise my therapist that i wouldn't hurt myself, and would call. well i decided that week i was going to go out and drink and forget my worries (thanks to piss tests no more pot). yes most of you will know that this is a bad idea. drinking for the wrong reason but let's not forget the meds i'm on. BAD IDEA. I drank way too much and made out with this 20 year old kid (not because of his age but because of his behavior). then i disappeared on my friends. i don't remember any of this. then at aobut 4:30 am i call my mother from my house phone and don't say anything. she gets worried comes to my house walks in...nobody there, then all of a sudden she hears something out in the hall and it's me in bra and underwear coming down the steps talking about how cold it is. yeah funny in retrospect but damn and i don't remember any of this. well i talked to my friend and he talked to the guys (they are sorta friends of ours) and i actually went and had sex with the kid in the bushes and in between the buses. oh yeah BAD FUCKING IDEA to drink on meds. of course my fahja didn't let me live that one down. so here comes the yelling from him once more. i did fess up to my therapist though.
i swore never to drink again...that didn't last. weekend before last similar thing except this time i went home with a random stranger lost my madonna piercing during sex and went home. yeah apparently i turn into a slut but if i'm perfectly honest i don't feel bad about the sex in general just the first time with that kid because usually guys can't be friends after having sex...at least that's what i've noticed from friends in the past who are now no longer my friends anymore. oh well i can live with it. but its been turbulent. i'm just glad next weekend i'm going out with my best friend. which is going to be freaking awesome!!!
i didn't purge today or rather couldn't i didn't get one bit of privacy since fahja decided to work near my bathroom all day. on the bright side all i ate today was two tomatoes and some potatoes with soy butter and salt. so i didn't do to bad on the eating. now i do have privacy and i'm feeling hungry however i don't even know if i'll find anything vegan in the kitchen. but this i could purge so yeah i'll have to see.
does anyone else eat sometimes just to purge? i actually enjoy it...i know how bad it is but it's my new drug of choice
my weight is down from yesterday. i'm now 166.9 lbs (75.7kg) oh yeah go me. i must keep loosing my goal is getting closer and i'm motivated once more. i think i'm going to read a book now and play some more catch up on your blogs tomorrow!
Stay strong
MUAH
i had one crash and burn situation, not so much related to food though.
this happened sometime in june:
one time i came home to my parents home and first thing that happened is that my fahja just yelled at me. about how long my treatment was taking and how hard it was for them to take care of my mini me (puhleeze asshole my mom did most of the work). oh yeah and of course it's my fault that he has high blood pressure. asshole if you'd stop yelling about everything you wouldn't have high blood pressure. well that was a trigger for my mood going hella low. i had to promise my therapist that i wouldn't hurt myself, and would call. well i decided that week i was going to go out and drink and forget my worries (thanks to piss tests no more pot). yes most of you will know that this is a bad idea. drinking for the wrong reason but let's not forget the meds i'm on. BAD IDEA. I drank way too much and made out with this 20 year old kid (not because of his age but because of his behavior). then i disappeared on my friends. i don't remember any of this. then at aobut 4:30 am i call my mother from my house phone and don't say anything. she gets worried comes to my house walks in...nobody there, then all of a sudden she hears something out in the hall and it's me in bra and underwear coming down the steps talking about how cold it is. yeah funny in retrospect but damn and i don't remember any of this. well i talked to my friend and he talked to the guys (they are sorta friends of ours) and i actually went and had sex with the kid in the bushes and in between the buses. oh yeah BAD FUCKING IDEA to drink on meds. of course my fahja didn't let me live that one down. so here comes the yelling from him once more. i did fess up to my therapist though.
i swore never to drink again...that didn't last. weekend before last similar thing except this time i went home with a random stranger lost my madonna piercing during sex and went home. yeah apparently i turn into a slut but if i'm perfectly honest i don't feel bad about the sex in general just the first time with that kid because usually guys can't be friends after having sex...at least that's what i've noticed from friends in the past who are now no longer my friends anymore. oh well i can live with it. but its been turbulent. i'm just glad next weekend i'm going out with my best friend. which is going to be freaking awesome!!!
i didn't purge today or rather couldn't i didn't get one bit of privacy since fahja decided to work near my bathroom all day. on the bright side all i ate today was two tomatoes and some potatoes with soy butter and salt. so i didn't do to bad on the eating. now i do have privacy and i'm feeling hungry however i don't even know if i'll find anything vegan in the kitchen. but this i could purge so yeah i'll have to see.
does anyone else eat sometimes just to purge? i actually enjoy it...i know how bad it is but it's my new drug of choice
my weight is down from yesterday. i'm now 166.9 lbs (75.7kg) oh yeah go me. i must keep loosing my goal is getting closer and i'm motivated once more. i think i'm going to read a book now and play some more catch up on your blogs tomorrow!
Stay strong
MUAH
Saturday, July 3, 2010
purging is good for the soul
at least for mine. i'm back on track and my weight is going down once more. i purge everything i eat unless my blood pressure is acting up. which is always. i have extremely low blood pressure i'm lucky if i get 103/70 my usual is between 90/60 and 97/64. however purging brings it up to normal (i think) because i always feel better and never dizzy after.
it's weird getting back to my normal life. i'm living with the P.U.s at the moment but i have reclaimed my own bathroom so i can safely purge. lately my moms been making comments about how little i eat. (if only she knew how happy that made me) and also about how skinny i look...i'm sorry but there is nothing skinny about me at the moment. everything is fat but i'm back on track to perfection.
i've missed all of you guys and tearsnsorrow i will begin reading your blog probably tomorrow. as i will be catching up on everyone else's. i would tonight but i just took my meds and i'm getting sleepy however i felt it necessary to update you all.
stay strong
muah
it's weird getting back to my normal life. i'm living with the P.U.s at the moment but i have reclaimed my own bathroom so i can safely purge. lately my moms been making comments about how little i eat. (if only she knew how happy that made me) and also about how skinny i look...i'm sorry but there is nothing skinny about me at the moment. everything is fat but i'm back on track to perfection.
i've missed all of you guys and tearsnsorrow i will begin reading your blog probably tomorrow. as i will be catching up on everyone else's. i would tonight but i just took my meds and i'm getting sleepy however i felt it necessary to update you all.
stay strong
muah
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
another year
i'm now a year older and haven't reached my goal yet. i can really only be mad at myself. thursday normality (well mine anyway as far as eating goes) will return. minimum food intake. no more junk food. i'm vegan yet i still find junk to stuff myself with. maybe i should go raw food vegan...who am i kidding i just need to get much more hard core. i haven't been able to purge but thursday i reclaim my bathroom. with plenty of privacy. thank you for your comment on my last post. i will read your blog once i get more energy.
my dumb ass skipped my meds for 3 days so now i have to get used to my seroquel once more. it's been knocking me on my ass.
my playlist at the moment that i listen to is
waltz moore - from firs to last
paper bag - fiona apple
courage - superchick
she said - rin oikawa
please inspire me my goddesses to return on your path of thinness!!!
it's all on me i know!!!
stay strong
muah
my dumb ass skipped my meds for 3 days so now i have to get used to my seroquel once more. it's been knocking me on my ass.
my playlist at the moment that i listen to is
waltz moore - from firs to last
paper bag - fiona apple
courage - superchick
she said - rin oikawa
please inspire me my goddesses to return on your path of thinness!!!
it's all on me i know!!!
stay strong
muah
Monday, June 28, 2010
apologies from me are getting old huh?
well i haven't been on in a long time. truth be told i haven't really been true to ana and mia as of late. i'm fat once more up to like 78kg once more. i keep telling myself tomorrow i'll be strict and for some reason my self promised tomorrow doesn't seem to come. i haven't played catch up with you guys either. i see i have more followers. thank you but i don't deserve the love. i've been stuck in a rut and truth be told i've been to ashamed to even post. even if i know you are the last to judge me!! i've missed you guys so much.
oh psychologically i'm doing better i'm finally finished. with the exception of my monthly meeting with my therapist of course. i'm so glad no more people watching my eating habits. yaaay. i love my grandparents but thank goodness they are going home soon so i can purge once more without risk of discovery. i won't promise anything because i'm sucky at fulfilling them recently but i hope to update more soon and also catch up because god knows i'm behind.
i love you guys and unlike me
stay strong
muah
oh psychologically i'm doing better i'm finally finished. with the exception of my monthly meeting with my therapist of course. i'm so glad no more people watching my eating habits. yaaay. i love my grandparents but thank goodness they are going home soon so i can purge once more without risk of discovery. i won't promise anything because i'm sucky at fulfilling them recently but i hope to update more soon and also catch up because god knows i'm behind.
i love you guys and unlike me
stay strong
muah
Sunday, May 16, 2010
My Dietry Religion
Ana and Mia are my goddesses.
My toilet is their temple,
And where my sins are confessed.
My scale is their justice.
Sinning leads to gain,
Good worship shows a loss.
They don't ask me for much...
They ask for nothing, that's all.
They light my way to perfection,
Which others may see as destruction.
Regardless of it being right or wrong
My faith in my goddesses stays strong!
I know I'm not a poet but this came to me so I figured I'd post it.
Well ladies finally I am back home. My home that is (I was at my parents during the week and on weekends I'll be staying there with my Mini-Me because I still have to do the day clinic). With privacy to write and catch up. This week I'll be busy catching up on all you beauties blogs. I've missed you and thought of you every day. Yeah that may sound sad but hey I'm addicted to you guys.
How have I been doing?
Pretty good. Except tired. I think my body is finally getting used to the Seroquel. I don't know if it's that or the fact that everything I eat I purge. With the exception of the last two days. I've had a cold and decided to trick my body into thinking it's going to get nourishment again. Today I've been purging again and it's funny but after I purge I feel so full, like I still have the food in me. I know it's not good for my body, I'm feeling the effects, but I love my scale right now, everyday it's been a small loss. I'm currently at 169.3lbs (76.8Kg). I was the only one loosing weight in the loony bin because even if the food was halfway decent that I got as my Vegan meal I purged it. And I felt better for it.
I have so many things I wanted to write but they aren't coming to me right now. I'm going to do the Sunshine Awards tomorrow after I get home, which are sooooooo past due. I apologize but I'll have time then. I'm sorry if I'm giving them to people that have already gotten them, don't feel like you gotta repost them again.
Love you guys
Stay Strong
MUAH
My toilet is their temple,
And where my sins are confessed.
My scale is their justice.
Sinning leads to gain,
Good worship shows a loss.
They don't ask me for much...
They ask for nothing, that's all.
They light my way to perfection,
Which others may see as destruction.
Regardless of it being right or wrong
My faith in my goddesses stays strong!
I know I'm not a poet but this came to me so I figured I'd post it.
Well ladies finally I am back home. My home that is (I was at my parents during the week and on weekends I'll be staying there with my Mini-Me because I still have to do the day clinic). With privacy to write and catch up. This week I'll be busy catching up on all you beauties blogs. I've missed you and thought of you every day. Yeah that may sound sad but hey I'm addicted to you guys.
How have I been doing?
Pretty good. Except tired. I think my body is finally getting used to the Seroquel. I don't know if it's that or the fact that everything I eat I purge. With the exception of the last two days. I've had a cold and decided to trick my body into thinking it's going to get nourishment again. Today I've been purging again and it's funny but after I purge I feel so full, like I still have the food in me. I know it's not good for my body, I'm feeling the effects, but I love my scale right now, everyday it's been a small loss. I'm currently at 169.3lbs (76.8Kg). I was the only one loosing weight in the loony bin because even if the food was halfway decent that I got as my Vegan meal I purged it. And I felt better for it.
I have so many things I wanted to write but they aren't coming to me right now. I'm going to do the Sunshine Awards tomorrow after I get home, which are sooooooo past due. I apologize but I'll have time then. I'm sorry if I'm giving them to people that have already gotten them, don't feel like you gotta repost them again.
Love you guys
Stay Strong
MUAH
Friday, May 7, 2010
i know i know
so in order to guarantee another post with updates i will add a picture of my face for 24 hours. i think i might be crazy, it's risky but hell i love you guys and miss you so much. the reason for my non posting is that they put me on seroquel 3 times a day which although it kept my mood up, it made me hella tired. so tomorrow i'm getting on new meds.
quick update: i eat and i purge. that's my cycle, kinda like From First to Last's song Waltz Moore: "I can't eat anything, without sticking my hand down my throat". I have perfected the art of silent purging. Oh and the red eyes I fight by putting in Visine Advanced Relief Red Eye somthing or other before I purge, so by the time I'm done wiping the tears and snot and make up, flush twice, my eyes are not red anymore.
I know I owe sunshine awards and I promise to get to them soon, it's just hard finding the time and privacy to get on, I should be sleep I only have about 6 hours of sleep left right now. Anyway for the next 24 hours, here's my face. I should probably care but I'm already in the loony bin...lmao
since all i have is a web cam getting a full body shot is hard, i'll try to see if i can find some before pictures and now pictures. Even though now is still not enough. I know thanks to my hunger attacks in the beginning here I won't reach my May 15th goal but I'm hoping to get out of here next week.
Stay Strong!!! I'll catch up and comment on your blogs soon
MUAH
quick update: i eat and i purge. that's my cycle, kinda like From First to Last's song Waltz Moore: "I can't eat anything, without sticking my hand down my throat". I have perfected the art of silent purging. Oh and the red eyes I fight by putting in Visine Advanced Relief Red Eye somthing or other before I purge, so by the time I'm done wiping the tears and snot and make up, flush twice, my eyes are not red anymore.
I know I owe sunshine awards and I promise to get to them soon, it's just hard finding the time and privacy to get on, I should be sleep I only have about 6 hours of sleep left right now. Anyway for the next 24 hours, here's my face. I should probably care but I'm already in the loony bin...lmao
since all i have is a web cam getting a full body shot is hard, i'll try to see if i can find some before pictures and now pictures. Even though now is still not enough. I know thanks to my hunger attacks in the beginning here I won't reach my May 15th goal but I'm hoping to get out of here next week.
Stay Strong!!! I'll catch up and comment on your blogs soon
MUAH
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
promises promises
i promise to do the sunshine awards!!!!!! just i've been pretty tired, tomorrow i can't even promise because it'll be a pretty busy day, but hopefully on friday i'll get the chance if not maybe this weekend, that's when times are slower over here.
thank you for your comments
stay strong
muah
thank you for your comments
stay strong
muah
Sunday, April 25, 2010
ups and downs and blaaaahhh...thank you seroquel
yeah so basically here goes the reason for not having posted a blog or comments recently... wednesday my oh so smart and intelligent self broke the display to my laptop...damn headphones in between. (my mom loaned me her netbook for the time being) doing so made me so mad at myself that i fell into a pit of self-loathing. a pretty deep pit (you'll see i'm going to add the 2 journal entries i made with you in mind at the time) didn't help that Aunt Flow came to visit. i talked to my therapist and she put me on seroquel which i am to take when i'm in a deep pit again. what sucks is that when i take it although i can't go down in mood i can't go up either it's just a constant blaaaaahhhhh... even smiling at things i know are funny is hard. i'm so glad that i met great people here who help me along the way. it's funny how the fellow patients are better than the therapists. except they can't provide me with drugs....lol.
oh before i type up the journal entries i will definitely respond to all the comments i got just not today!!! thank you oh and the sunshine award i'll also do a separate post for thanks lola (i'll link her in the award post)...it sucks that it's limited to a certain number of people since so many of you give me strength and of course that most of you have already got an award but hey i'll figure something out. i might do it tomorrow though since today i'm pretty tired already. although i've had a good evening.
at the end I added a funny little tid bit of my life here...
20 April 2010
i am filled with self loathing. i broke my laptop. i am angry and pissed. what did i do to punish myself? binge & purge... if i was a cutter i'd be cutting. i just want to purge the emptiness in my stomach. ugh. i'm so fucking pissd. i hate my body, i feel like i weigh and look 1000 lbs. loathing loathing. i thought i was doing so good but such a small thing has thrown me completely off balance. all the progress i made seems to have disappeared. i hate myself. i couldn't even stay on the phone with my besty. i just want to scratch myself until my skin is torn open and it'll hurt for the next few days to remind myself of what a fucking dumb ass i am. i don't deserve happiness, i don't deserve my awesome daughter. i deserve nothing. i shouldn't have even taken the pain killer for my headache. all i deserve is fucking pain. i hate myself sooo fucking much. don't fear death is something i don't deserve because escape would mean release, and someone like me doesn't even deserve that.
I HATE MYSELF
21 April 2010
it's like the past two weeks i was so occupied with the people around me that i pushed all my self hatred to the back of my mind.
the only solace i can seem to find are in ana & mia. they help me conquer one part of my self hatred...
i'm sitting here trying not to hurt myself in any way but it's hard. i'm not a cutter so that isn't an issue, no i'm a scratcher. i'll pick a random spot on my body and scratch until i bleed and i'm certain that in the morning when i shower it'll burn on contact with the water. yes i do it to remind myself of punishment. i just want to go and crawl into a...something dark where i can hid my ugly fat self. god i hate my weakness. i want drugs but they'll only give me a few hours of escape., that's just not enough. i'm filled with so much self-loathing right now i feel like every bit of progress i made was just an illusion. i hunger for pain. any kind of pain. somthing... i think i can still win against the urge...
I WANT PAIN
and a future
oh and the funny side note thursday one of the staff caught me purging:
S: Are you okay?
I: yes
S: you don't sound like you're ok
I: I'm fine thanks
now I thought she was gone so i finish up and come out but no she was standing there
S: Why were you throwing up
I: Oh I ate to much to fast, and it wasn't very good
S: Have you ever thrown up while here
I: No (shit a big lie but hell why would I tell the truth)
S: Have you ever thrown up at home
I: Yeah (smile)
S: When
I: When I had the stomach flu
S: Oh ok well you need to tell the staff when you aren't feeling well
I: Ok will do my mom brought me some snacks I'm gonna eat those
so then I took a nutri-grain bar, ate one in front of the eyes of the staff and threw the other one away...bastards!!!
i will catch up probably tomorrow in between my therapies lots of hugs and kisses
stay strong
MUAH
oh before i type up the journal entries i will definitely respond to all the comments i got just not today!!! thank you oh and the sunshine award i'll also do a separate post for thanks lola (i'll link her in the award post)...it sucks that it's limited to a certain number of people since so many of you give me strength and of course that most of you have already got an award but hey i'll figure something out. i might do it tomorrow though since today i'm pretty tired already. although i've had a good evening.
at the end I added a funny little tid bit of my life here...
20 April 2010
i am filled with self loathing. i broke my laptop. i am angry and pissed. what did i do to punish myself? binge & purge... if i was a cutter i'd be cutting. i just want to purge the emptiness in my stomach. ugh. i'm so fucking pissd. i hate my body, i feel like i weigh and look 1000 lbs. loathing loathing. i thought i was doing so good but such a small thing has thrown me completely off balance. all the progress i made seems to have disappeared. i hate myself. i couldn't even stay on the phone with my besty. i just want to scratch myself until my skin is torn open and it'll hurt for the next few days to remind myself of what a fucking dumb ass i am. i don't deserve happiness, i don't deserve my awesome daughter. i deserve nothing. i shouldn't have even taken the pain killer for my headache. all i deserve is fucking pain. i hate myself sooo fucking much. don't fear death is something i don't deserve because escape would mean release, and someone like me doesn't even deserve that.
I HATE MYSELF
21 April 2010
it's like the past two weeks i was so occupied with the people around me that i pushed all my self hatred to the back of my mind.
the only solace i can seem to find are in ana & mia. they help me conquer one part of my self hatred...
i'm sitting here trying not to hurt myself in any way but it's hard. i'm not a cutter so that isn't an issue, no i'm a scratcher. i'll pick a random spot on my body and scratch until i bleed and i'm certain that in the morning when i shower it'll burn on contact with the water. yes i do it to remind myself of punishment. i just want to go and crawl into a...something dark where i can hid my ugly fat self. god i hate my weakness. i want drugs but they'll only give me a few hours of escape., that's just not enough. i'm filled with so much self-loathing right now i feel like every bit of progress i made was just an illusion. i hunger for pain. any kind of pain. somthing... i think i can still win against the urge...
I WANT PAIN
and a future
oh and the funny side note thursday one of the staff caught me purging:
S: Are you okay?
I: yes
S: you don't sound like you're ok
I: I'm fine thanks
now I thought she was gone so i finish up and come out but no she was standing there
S: Why were you throwing up
I: Oh I ate to much to fast, and it wasn't very good
S: Have you ever thrown up while here
I: No (shit a big lie but hell why would I tell the truth)
S: Have you ever thrown up at home
I: Yeah (smile)
S: When
I: When I had the stomach flu
S: Oh ok well you need to tell the staff when you aren't feeling well
I: Ok will do my mom brought me some snacks I'm gonna eat those
so then I took a nutri-grain bar, ate one in front of the eyes of the staff and threw the other one away...bastards!!!
i will catch up probably tomorrow in between my therapies lots of hugs and kisses
stay strong
MUAH
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
quick post
well in the common room not much privacy my roommate is having her meeting with her therapist in our room. I got kicked out...lol
well i don't know if it's the meds or the additional (th)inspiration I get from you guys again but i have no appetite and my food doesn't even want to stay down. It's like ana is sitting on one shoulder keeping me from eating, and mia on my other urging me to offer the little i do take in to the Porcelain God.
I need to remember to use my banana hair clip to induce purging because my knuckle is starting to stay red. I'm still good it's normal now.
It's kind of funny I had activity therapy today and at the end we were supposed to relax my first thought was hmmm how can i get around eating lunch. which right now everyone is still joking about how i take like 2 bites and throw the rest away but if it keeps going like this...I'm really going to have to figure something out. They watch me. Not the caretakers or doctors but my fellow patients. And unlike Mia-Girly, I can't come out about my eating because I honestly don't want help for it. Not yet, maybe not ever. I've also come to the realization 117lbs is probably not going to be enough. I want my ribs out, I want my hip bones jutting out ready to slice, I want my sternum visible, I want dainty wrists, I want my spine visible and I want my shoulder blades out. At first it wasn't like that but now when I stretch up I can see like 4 ribs on each side and I'm LOVING the sight of them. It's proof of results. I've also lost some weight once again, awesome. I want to feel extreme hunger again. I want to know what that empty starving feeling in my stomach feels like again. They feed us so often here that there's no time to get hungry between meals. Right now I'm sticking with the excuse I only eat when I'm hungry and I'm just not hungry. Sorry!!! but not really.
It's like the better I get with my social anxiety and depression the more I turn to my one point of control. Over here it's really overwhelming because you put so much trust into the doctors, staff, and patients that I feel like I don't have control over anything except that. Here is where I've come to realize the depth of my disordered eating. I know it might sound depressing but actually I'm celebrating it (as sick as it is, and I don't suggest anyone go down my path), it makes me happy to have my own little secret, my own fountain of control I can draw strength from.
And to all you beautiful ladies, I am still catching up on all your blogs posting where I can.
Well I have to go to my next therapy, it's drawing. They read us a story then give us a theme and we have to draw to it and then discuss what we drew. It's pretty awesome aside from my sucky drawing skills!!!
Stay Strong!!!
MUAH (x2938539856)
i guess this post is longer than I thought no proof reading please excuse, but I know you guys love me.
well i don't know if it's the meds or the additional (th)inspiration I get from you guys again but i have no appetite and my food doesn't even want to stay down. It's like ana is sitting on one shoulder keeping me from eating, and mia on my other urging me to offer the little i do take in to the Porcelain God.
I need to remember to use my banana hair clip to induce purging because my knuckle is starting to stay red. I'm still good it's normal now.
It's kind of funny I had activity therapy today and at the end we were supposed to relax my first thought was hmmm how can i get around eating lunch. which right now everyone is still joking about how i take like 2 bites and throw the rest away but if it keeps going like this...I'm really going to have to figure something out. They watch me. Not the caretakers or doctors but my fellow patients. And unlike Mia-Girly, I can't come out about my eating because I honestly don't want help for it. Not yet, maybe not ever. I've also come to the realization 117lbs is probably not going to be enough. I want my ribs out, I want my hip bones jutting out ready to slice, I want my sternum visible, I want dainty wrists, I want my spine visible and I want my shoulder blades out. At first it wasn't like that but now when I stretch up I can see like 4 ribs on each side and I'm LOVING the sight of them. It's proof of results. I've also lost some weight once again, awesome. I want to feel extreme hunger again. I want to know what that empty starving feeling in my stomach feels like again. They feed us so often here that there's no time to get hungry between meals. Right now I'm sticking with the excuse I only eat when I'm hungry and I'm just not hungry. Sorry!!! but not really.
It's like the better I get with my social anxiety and depression the more I turn to my one point of control. Over here it's really overwhelming because you put so much trust into the doctors, staff, and patients that I feel like I don't have control over anything except that. Here is where I've come to realize the depth of my disordered eating. I know it might sound depressing but actually I'm celebrating it (as sick as it is, and I don't suggest anyone go down my path), it makes me happy to have my own little secret, my own fountain of control I can draw strength from.
And to all you beautiful ladies, I am still catching up on all your blogs posting where I can.
Well I have to go to my next therapy, it's drawing. They read us a story then give us a theme and we have to draw to it and then discuss what we drew. It's pretty awesome aside from my sucky drawing skills!!!
Stay Strong!!!
MUAH (x2938539856)
i guess this post is longer than I thought no proof reading please excuse, but I know you guys love me.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Greetings from the Loony Bin
Well emotionally I'm doing good, however me and my weight....another issue. I've gained weight since I've came here (6.6lbs, 3kg). I am not happy about that but most of that was from night time munchies thanks to the antidepressant they give me at night for sleeping. However I'm now on something else and Ana, Mia and I are getting along again.
It's pretty easy to skip meals, especially me being a vegan and hospital food sucking ass. Overcooked veggies every day. My mom brought me tofu and other snacks so I do have some nourishment. I wouldn't mind going without it though. It's hard to let Mia take reign over here (which I guess is a good thing considering the health effects), since I have a roommate and the bathroom walls are thin. However when I do have the opportunity, it's on.
There is actually a girly here trying to recover from Mia and she knows about my disordered eating habits but she's cool with it (well cool maybe not but she isn't going to tell). For me it's a control issue, for her it's self harm instead of cutting.
I made friends here, which is freaking awesome Mia-girly being one of them. I know it's crazy go to the loony bin and make friends. I actually like it here and I reached a point where I now miss my mini-me and I want her back, which to me is the best sign ever. Plus she's missing me too.
I don't know when I'll play catch-up with your blogs because I don't get much private time on here and I'm trying to update so I promise I'll catch-up on all your blogs and comment.
I love you guys and you won't believe how much I've missed you and your support and strength!!!
MUAH MUAH MUAH MUAH MUAH (x294875968723598463983764)
EDIT: Still vegan, and how crazy is it that right now I'm sitting in a common room on my laptop indulging in my disordered eating and how much I'm loving it?
Yeah I'm in the right place LMAO
It's pretty easy to skip meals, especially me being a vegan and hospital food sucking ass. Overcooked veggies every day. My mom brought me tofu and other snacks so I do have some nourishment. I wouldn't mind going without it though. It's hard to let Mia take reign over here (which I guess is a good thing considering the health effects), since I have a roommate and the bathroom walls are thin. However when I do have the opportunity, it's on.
There is actually a girly here trying to recover from Mia and she knows about my disordered eating habits but she's cool with it (well cool maybe not but she isn't going to tell). For me it's a control issue, for her it's self harm instead of cutting.
I made friends here, which is freaking awesome Mia-girly being one of them. I know it's crazy go to the loony bin and make friends. I actually like it here and I reached a point where I now miss my mini-me and I want her back, which to me is the best sign ever. Plus she's missing me too.
I don't know when I'll play catch-up with your blogs because I don't get much private time on here and I'm trying to update so I promise I'll catch-up on all your blogs and comment.
I love you guys and you won't believe how much I've missed you and your support and strength!!!
MUAH MUAH MUAH MUAH MUAH (x294875968723598463983764)
EDIT: Still vegan, and how crazy is it that right now I'm sitting in a common room on my laptop indulging in my disordered eating and how much I'm loving it?
Yeah I'm in the right place LMAO
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Oh dear...
this is quick because i'm packing.
i just got back from the hospital, they are keeping me for about 3 weeks. on weekends i can go out for a few hours and at least they aren't putting me in the closed half. so visiting and stuff should be good.
those fuckers don't cater to vegans...damn but less food intake so good. she said they'll do sports therapy with me... can we say yay
i'm so scared guys, on the inside i'm screaming
so yeah i'll be absent for a while BUT when i get to go home for a few hours i'll be back.
yay for piss tests, that i'll be doing
stay strong!!!
i'll try
muah muah muah
i just got back from the hospital, they are keeping me for about 3 weeks. on weekends i can go out for a few hours and at least they aren't putting me in the closed half. so visiting and stuff should be good.
those fuckers don't cater to vegans...damn but less food intake so good. she said they'll do sports therapy with me... can we say yay
i'm so scared guys, on the inside i'm screaming
so yeah i'll be absent for a while BUT when i get to go home for a few hours i'll be back.
yay for piss tests, that i'll be doing
stay strong!!!
i'll try
muah muah muah
Pack your shit, we're going on a trip....toooooooooooooo the nuthouse
great...as I'm feeling my addiction (hey I need a vice and this one is cal free) grow towards blogger (after my goodnight post I was on here several more hours) and it's calming and awesome and I'm feeling comfortable I might have to go without you guys for a few days.
i just got a call from my mom telling me to pack some things for staying overnight for a few days because she talked with the psychiatric unit at the hospital and she's getting me in 2 hours to get an evaluation. "It doesn't mean you're staying your things are staying in the car, but just in case"
wtf? plan vegan comes into affect (effect? idk right now) today!!!
Man this is fucking pissing me the fuck off!!! even though it shouldn't i need this i know but right now i'm going so far out of my comfort zone it's scary.
Last night I had a nightmare. I dreamed a group of people was coming toward me and it was one of those where I couldn't get out of the way so I was forced to go through the midst of the group and I woke up panicked. oh man, that should've been my sign for today.
well guys i'm hoping i'll be back tonight...
i will miss you (yes even for a few hours)
stay strong
muah
i just got a call from my mom telling me to pack some things for staying overnight for a few days because she talked with the psychiatric unit at the hospital and she's getting me in 2 hours to get an evaluation. "It doesn't mean you're staying your things are staying in the car, but just in case"
wtf? plan vegan comes into affect (effect? idk right now) today!!!
Man this is fucking pissing me the fuck off!!! even though it shouldn't i need this i know but right now i'm going so far out of my comfort zone it's scary.
Last night I had a nightmare. I dreamed a group of people was coming toward me and it was one of those where I couldn't get out of the way so I was forced to go through the midst of the group and I woke up panicked. oh man, that should've been my sign for today.
well guys i'm hoping i'll be back tonight...
i will miss you (yes even for a few hours)
stay strong
muah
As I lay me down to sleep...actually think I can go to sleep without any herbal aids
wow I've been pretty much cleaning all day. Not vacuum and done but going through all the shit that's piled up over the years. All the paperwork, and crap. I mean I have 6 black eyeliners...WTF? I mean yeah a pretty essential item in almost every girls make up collection but 6? And I wonder why I'm always broke...
I've done well today besides the stuff I already listed, I haven't consumed anything else. The spinach cooked in soy milk was surprisingly good. I did season it a little but I like bland foods, or rather I like to taste the main food of my meal. I'm weird. i know.
I've had a good day. I ran out of green on saturday and luckily I went out yesterday but today, not one craving or want for my herbal chill out. Being able to focus on me and not my kid, who I saw today real quick, she didn't seem to really miss me. She was fine. I'm glad because as bad as it sounds and selfish, I don't really miss her either. But then again I know she has it so much better with my parents, plus they have a dog. What kid doesn't love a dog? (don't answer that I'm ignoring the dogphobics<--yeah I made that up)
Deep cleaning does clear the mind quite a bit.
Listening to skinny bitch has really made me want to seriously go vegan. I know it's one of my goals in self betterment but this is the kick in the ass. Maybe I can get myself to stop feeling so guilty for eating food, since I know it's healthy. However restriction is not going to end. Then I really would feel guilty. I'm just sick and tired of telling myself not to eat and then come evening and I can't seem to hold back. Maybe this can help me...I don't know....
stay strong
muah
I've done well today besides the stuff I already listed, I haven't consumed anything else. The spinach cooked in soy milk was surprisingly good. I did season it a little but I like bland foods, or rather I like to taste the main food of my meal. I'm weird. i know.
I've had a good day. I ran out of green on saturday and luckily I went out yesterday but today, not one craving or want for my herbal chill out. Being able to focus on me and not my kid, who I saw today real quick, she didn't seem to really miss me. She was fine. I'm glad because as bad as it sounds and selfish, I don't really miss her either. But then again I know she has it so much better with my parents, plus they have a dog. What kid doesn't love a dog? (don't answer that I'm ignoring the dogphobics<--yeah I made that up)
Deep cleaning does clear the mind quite a bit.
Listening to skinny bitch has really made me want to seriously go vegan. I know it's one of my goals in self betterment but this is the kick in the ass. Maybe I can get myself to stop feeling so guilty for eating food, since I know it's healthy. However restriction is not going to end. Then I really would feel guilty. I'm just sick and tired of telling myself not to eat and then come evening and I can't seem to hold back. Maybe this can help me...I don't know....
stay strong
muah
Monday, April 5, 2010
Food
2 cups green leaf spinach cooked with 100ml soy milk - 97 cals
egg white omlette w/ onion & pureed tomato - 77.3 cals
total 174.3 cals
I've only been drinking water.
Zen, you're probably right but it felt like a good idea at the time. I still have some food in my freezer, and of course the egg whites. Which I will soon be cutting out of my diet but besides frozen food and egg whites and stuff there isn't much else. Maybe I'll buy me some veggies and fruits as suggested.
I'm currently cleaning my house and I'm listening to the Audio Book of Skinny Bitch (the link is also where I got it) its basically supposed to get you vegan because it tells you exactly what is unhealthy and how it can make you fat and sick. I read about it in Shrinking Violet's blog (I haven't started following yet because I'm still reading). It's actually pretty good.
I don't know if I can e-mail the files but if anybody is interested and wants to get like 10 million e-mails with the audio version, I'm more than willing to attempt that. Just write me your e-mail or something.
egg white omlette w/ onion & pureed tomato - 77.3 cals
total 174.3 cals
I've only been drinking water.
Zen, you're probably right but it felt like a good idea at the time. I still have some food in my freezer, and of course the egg whites. Which I will soon be cutting out of my diet but besides frozen food and egg whites and stuff there isn't much else. Maybe I'll buy me some veggies and fruits as suggested.
I'm currently cleaning my house and I'm listening to the Audio Book of Skinny Bitch (the link is also where I got it) its basically supposed to get you vegan because it tells you exactly what is unhealthy and how it can make you fat and sick. I read about it in Shrinking Violet's blog (I haven't started following yet because I'm still reading). It's actually pretty good.
I don't know if I can e-mail the files but if anybody is interested and wants to get like 10 million e-mails with the audio version, I'm more than willing to attempt that. Just write me your e-mail or something.
I got me one for here...why? I dunno, just wanted it I guess...
I'll start follow you guys that have one later but my mom just called and I have to get some more of mini-me's stuff together. All of it. So it looks like they are really keeping her. At least until July. Fahja is going to the desert for 6 months. But I hope I'll be better by then (not healed I know that won't happen but better)
I'll start follow you guys that have one later but my mom just called and I have to get some more of mini-me's stuff together. All of it. So it looks like they are really keeping her. At least until July. Fahja is going to the desert for 6 months. But I hope I'll be better by then (not healed I know that won't happen but better)
Man oh man....
It's a lot of stuff maybe a bit jumbled...yeah just so you know before you read...
I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride of emotions. Especially the past few weeks.
First things first. The P.U.s finally took mini-me off my hands. They finally realized that at the moment I'm not a fit mother, but in order to keep her in the family we'll avoid telling child services. I am so happy. My kid is safe and with people she loves. How sad is it that when they dropped me off at home my kid was crying because she thought she had to go home, and then later they came back from shopping with her so I could give them all the clothes and her food (that's another good thing) and toys, she cried because she was like WTF I don't want to go home. She was fine with a Farewell kiss from me and going with my P.U.s.
I think that says enough. I def need to get my shit together first, but I'm actually not upset. I'm glad that it was this easy and there was no big thing about her not wanting to go.
So what did I do last night. Went partying with my bestie. Since we live so far apart and they all (her + friends) happened to come to my end of the world for a club concert, I decided fuck this I'll feel guilty for partying while my kid is gone tomorrow. Well I drank way to many calories. Plus I realized Vodka-Redbull is a drink my stomach can't handle anymore. I was getting nauseous from all that damn sugar. Yay for changing tastes. But instead of having them pick me up I walked the 30-45min walk to the club from my house. (listening to Thinspo music) I was like if I'm gonna fuck my shit up like this I'm at least gonna walk over there. It felt great but I think in my overly-tipsy(not quite drunk) state I might have admitted to my ED behaviors, to one of the friends there. Hopefully she was just to drunk to remember. I'll feign ignorance should it come up. WHAAAAAT I said that? I musta been drunk. I don't remember that. I talk a lotta shit when I'm drunk, sorry
Speaking of being drunk, I felt freaking awesome last night. I actually thought I looked good before I went out. But I was drinking at home and I was kinda tipsy. Oh yeah Alcohol def puts on the mental beauty glasses (they are off again). Oh well the fact that it has so many calories is enough of a put off for now. Oh and at the concert the performer was smoking weed and I smelled it, friends smelled it, and everybody looked at me. WHAAT I know I'm a pot head, and yes I woulda loved to have smoked with but I swear that ain't me smoking! ha ha.
Since they dropped me off at home after and they had a cold McDs cheeseburger, I ate it. Pretty much purged it all back up after because, I always purge after a night of alcohol. I still feel dehydration nausea but I don't have any other hangover symptoms. I was up at 7:30 am. WTF?
Right now I'm doing good. I think. I know I can at least start getting my shit together (somewhat), speaking of which fahja was talking about making me do "in-house" therapy. His words. Yeah he wants me to be checked in. WTF. I'm not that bad off. I swear...
Oh yeah I know so far this is a long rambly post about a party night. I'll now focus on food.
Yesterday when my P.U.s came to get mini-me I gave them all her food. And now my fridge has tofu, soy milk, and condiments in it. That is how it's staying. I don't have to go grocery shopping anymore. I am so happy. Well for soy milk but hell that ain't a biggie. No more solids in my house unless I have to put up a front for someone!I'm thinking of throwing the tofu out. None of my friends like it and it's solid food. Anyone want some tofu? ha ha
Oh man, the upside of not having a kid living with me is I can completely let myself fall into Ana's and Mia's hands. I know it's sick in a way but I know you guys still love me.
I love all you guys, even when I was partying you guys were in my mind. It's funny (maybe sad to others) but this community has become something like a family.
Hey guys let's buy an island in the pacific and live in a commune. ha ha
I might still have some alcohol in my system
Stay strong guys
MUAH
P.S. my weight is up .3 grams. I don't care today I fucking drank last night...I mean I do care but I'm trying not to.
I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride of emotions. Especially the past few weeks.
First things first. The P.U.s finally took mini-me off my hands. They finally realized that at the moment I'm not a fit mother, but in order to keep her in the family we'll avoid telling child services. I am so happy. My kid is safe and with people she loves. How sad is it that when they dropped me off at home my kid was crying because she thought she had to go home, and then later they came back from shopping with her so I could give them all the clothes and her food (that's another good thing) and toys, she cried because she was like WTF I don't want to go home. She was fine with a Farewell kiss from me and going with my P.U.s.
I think that says enough. I def need to get my shit together first, but I'm actually not upset. I'm glad that it was this easy and there was no big thing about her not wanting to go.
So what did I do last night. Went partying with my bestie. Since we live so far apart and they all (her + friends) happened to come to my end of the world for a club concert, I decided fuck this I'll feel guilty for partying while my kid is gone tomorrow. Well I drank way to many calories. Plus I realized Vodka-Redbull is a drink my stomach can't handle anymore. I was getting nauseous from all that damn sugar. Yay for changing tastes. But instead of having them pick me up I walked the 30-45min walk to the club from my house. (listening to Thinspo music) I was like if I'm gonna fuck my shit up like this I'm at least gonna walk over there. It felt great but I think in my overly-tipsy(not quite drunk) state I might have admitted to my ED behaviors, to one of the friends there. Hopefully she was just to drunk to remember. I'll feign ignorance should it come up. WHAAAAAT I said that? I musta been drunk. I don't remember that. I talk a lotta shit when I'm drunk, sorry
Speaking of being drunk, I felt freaking awesome last night. I actually thought I looked good before I went out. But I was drinking at home and I was kinda tipsy. Oh yeah Alcohol def puts on the mental beauty glasses (they are off again). Oh well the fact that it has so many calories is enough of a put off for now. Oh and at the concert the performer was smoking weed and I smelled it, friends smelled it, and everybody looked at me. WHAAT I know I'm a pot head, and yes I woulda loved to have smoked with but I swear that ain't me smoking! ha ha.
Since they dropped me off at home after and they had a cold McDs cheeseburger, I ate it. Pretty much purged it all back up after because, I always purge after a night of alcohol. I still feel dehydration nausea but I don't have any other hangover symptoms. I was up at 7:30 am. WTF?
Right now I'm doing good. I think. I know I can at least start getting my shit together (somewhat), speaking of which fahja was talking about making me do "in-house" therapy. His words. Yeah he wants me to be checked in. WTF. I'm not that bad off. I swear...
Oh yeah I know so far this is a long rambly post about a party night. I'll now focus on food.
Yesterday when my P.U.s came to get mini-me I gave them all her food. And now my fridge has tofu, soy milk, and condiments in it. That is how it's staying. I don't have to go grocery shopping anymore. I am so happy. Well for soy milk but hell that ain't a biggie. No more solids in my house unless I have to put up a front for someone!I'm thinking of throwing the tofu out. None of my friends like it and it's solid food. Anyone want some tofu? ha ha
Oh man, the upside of not having a kid living with me is I can completely let myself fall into Ana's and Mia's hands. I know it's sick in a way but I know you guys still love me.
I love all you guys, even when I was partying you guys were in my mind. It's funny (maybe sad to others) but this community has become something like a family.
Hey guys let's buy an island in the pacific and live in a commune. ha ha
I might still have some alcohol in my system
Stay strong guys
MUAH
P.S. my weight is up .3 grams. I don't care today I fucking drank last night...I mean I do care but I'm trying not to.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
HAPPY EASTER...FUCK CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Weight: 177.03(80.3kg)
at least not a total failure after so much unallowed food consumption
That song is so calming to me at the moment.
I'm so glad I'm not into holiday candy, especially today one more thing to keep me on track.
I've been loading my MP3 player with thinspo music. Yay
well today will be another shit afternoon. I have to make fahja understand if they can't help me the way I need it then I'll really have to find a foster family.
Well I'll try to stay as positive as possible...
Stay strong guys
muah
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Found my trigger...
ok i finally know what's been triggering my binges the past few days. ok before i say it not all of them would be considered a true binge but considering I didn't want to eat at all they are mini binges well at least yesterday was...i'm scared to step on the scale today as I have been the past few days
I've been eating again today...ugh i'm mad at myself but now to the revealing of my main trigger:
The Simpsons.
Yes that yellow family where every episode has homer eating "bad" foods. Foods I can't have. I was watching season 21 online and in one episode Marge was on the whole health food thing, and she couldn't take it anymore so she finds Homer's secret stash and is stuffing her face as if it was a binge. Crouched in the corner just shoving it in.
Why did it take me so long to figure that out? I don't know but from now on no more simpson by myself where food is readily available.
I must do better. I must stop eating. Just the shakes tomorrow since today it's to late. Hopefully I can stick to just tea and water for the rest of today!!!
Love all you guys stay strong.
MUAH
P.S. Zen and P.D., I envy your access to T-max
I've been eating again today...ugh i'm mad at myself but now to the revealing of my main trigger:
The Simpsons.
Yes that yellow family where every episode has homer eating "bad" foods. Foods I can't have. I was watching season 21 online and in one episode Marge was on the whole health food thing, and she couldn't take it anymore so she finds Homer's secret stash and is stuffing her face as if it was a binge. Crouched in the corner just shoving it in.
Why did it take me so long to figure that out? I don't know but from now on no more simpson by myself where food is readily available.
I must do better. I must stop eating. Just the shakes tomorrow since today it's to late. Hopefully I can stick to just tea and water for the rest of today!!!
Love all you guys stay strong.
MUAH
P.S. Zen and P.D., I envy your access to T-max
Friday, April 2, 2010
Awesome
Oh I feel so good just power-walked 1 hour through the fields. Feel so good. I jogged for like 2 mins. I'm working on it gradually, I've never ran voluntarily but I'm motivated.
And Zen: Hell yeah, I'm doing so well on this stuff that I don't even feel the need to quit. So I'll do it as long as I can. Well next saturday is quits for that day anyway. I'll be drinking a lot.
Anyway stay strong guys you're all beautiful and your comments always make me happy!!
Thanks for all the inspiration
MUAH
And Zen: Hell yeah, I'm doing so well on this stuff that I don't even feel the need to quit. So I'll do it as long as I can. Well next saturday is quits for that day anyway. I'll be drinking a lot.
Anyway stay strong guys you're all beautiful and your comments always make me happy!!
Thanks for all the inspiration
MUAH
Thursday, April 1, 2010
so I did good today
All I had since the salad was one more protein drink and now i'm drinking 1.5L of Apple + Vitamin C tea. Very yummy unsweetened (for my taste buds anyway). I don't think I've drank anything all day. Having an extremely relaxing evening. Working on my bracelet. I keep messing up the knots so it's taking me some time. I'm supposed to go running tomorrow morning with a friend. I'm stoked! See my problem is, I restrict (somewhat) but since I don't exercise it's even more frustrating because it takes longer. So exercise needs to start becoming a priority. Hopefully I can do it since tomorrow, at least I have no mini-me.
This should do not only my body, but also my psyche good!
Endorphins WHOOOOO!!!!
This should do not only my body, but also my psyche good!
Endorphins WHOOOOO!!!!
Thank You
P.D. and Heather for you comments, they help a lot.
I know I need to figure something out with the drugs because slowly it's going from recreational to more. I'm basically returning to my days before I had my kid. All I did in my free time was smoke pot, and other drugs here and there. Thank goodness nothing hard, I found out I was pregnant before it got there.
Yeah nothing can change a woman like an unwanted pregnancy. Well I went straightedge the moment I decided to have her...stayed that way until I stopped nursing and then..."Girls just wanna have fun" you know?
Well anyway instead of griping about my past I'm here to say I get to have me time. Tonight she's staying at the P.U's house and all day tomorrow.
Responsibility free bliss.
Well I'm really just going to keep working on my bracelet which actually is almost done. Making a bracelet I've found is awesome. I'm so focused on tying the knots that I don't even think about any problems.
Maybe I'll meet a friend. Tomorrow is a holiday so I'll probably just go to the park and chill outside with my diary and a book somewhere, focusing on my thoughts.
On the food front...
I did well. I had:
Protein Shake
Salad with Lettuce, Tomatoes, Cucumber, Tofu, Salt, Pepper and a lot of Apple Vinegar
I'm not sure on calories but either way I did good. I'm allowed to eat one meal a day with the shakes and I've decided when I need the comfort of food I'll have a salad just like above. It's not awesome but it's pretty good. Plus I LOVE vinegar and it's good for weight loss as it makes you feel full faster.
So the day is ending ok.
I will leave drugs harder than pot alone...well I'll work on it.
Oh and I found out today I have to wait until May for my appointment with a therapist and that's quick other doctors have like a minimum 6 month waiting list. But the lady told my mom I'll probably have to go on meds just to start the therapy since my case seems so extreme, I know I need help but...WOAH wtf...anyway I'll tell them I want nothing where a possible side effect is appetite. It sucks that I have to wait but it'll be ok. Although I'm actually super nervous, trusting a complete stranger with my shit...woah (and blogger doesn't count, there's just understanding here...THANK GOODNESS)
muah muah muah guys
Stay strong
I will do better for myself!!!
I know I need to figure something out with the drugs because slowly it's going from recreational to more. I'm basically returning to my days before I had my kid. All I did in my free time was smoke pot, and other drugs here and there. Thank goodness nothing hard, I found out I was pregnant before it got there.
Yeah nothing can change a woman like an unwanted pregnancy. Well I went straightedge the moment I decided to have her...stayed that way until I stopped nursing and then..."Girls just wanna have fun" you know?
Well anyway instead of griping about my past I'm here to say I get to have me time. Tonight she's staying at the P.U's house and all day tomorrow.
Responsibility free bliss.
Well I'm really just going to keep working on my bracelet which actually is almost done. Making a bracelet I've found is awesome. I'm so focused on tying the knots that I don't even think about any problems.
Maybe I'll meet a friend. Tomorrow is a holiday so I'll probably just go to the park and chill outside with my diary and a book somewhere, focusing on my thoughts.
On the food front...
I did well. I had:
Protein Shake
Salad with Lettuce, Tomatoes, Cucumber, Tofu, Salt, Pepper and a lot of Apple Vinegar
I'm not sure on calories but either way I did good. I'm allowed to eat one meal a day with the shakes and I've decided when I need the comfort of food I'll have a salad just like above. It's not awesome but it's pretty good. Plus I LOVE vinegar and it's good for weight loss as it makes you feel full faster.
So the day is ending ok.
I will leave drugs harder than pot alone...well I'll work on it.
Oh and I found out today I have to wait until May for my appointment with a therapist and that's quick other doctors have like a minimum 6 month waiting list. But the lady told my mom I'll probably have to go on meds just to start the therapy since my case seems so extreme, I know I need help but...WOAH wtf...anyway I'll tell them I want nothing where a possible side effect is appetite. It sucks that I have to wait but it'll be ok. Although I'm actually super nervous, trusting a complete stranger with my shit...woah (and blogger doesn't count, there's just understanding here...THANK GOODNESS)
muah muah muah guys
Stay strong
I will do better for myself!!!
mrrrrmmmmm
it's self-pitying....you've been warned:
that's how i spell out the sound marge simpson makes when she feels dissatisfaction.
I HATE MYSELF
I AM WEAK
I AM TO DEPENDENT ON OUTSIDE FORCES
wtf made me think it was alright to do dxm? granted one time it helped me view myself in a better light, and stop purging for a bit. but yesterday i looked into the mirror and i looked round, my face looked round, i don't even think my face looks that round sober.
well i made great process on the bracelet later last night until i realized i'd skipped a whole color for who knows how long and now i have to restart i think. but it's ok the bracelet making is actually fun.
last night after sharting myself while on the phone with my b.f.f., and then deciding to read the side effects of the pills which include, nausea, diarrhea, and vomiting. Great I got to experience every last one of those last night. Which when you enjoy vomiting and you haven't eaten anything all day, that complete emptiness when your ass and your mouth want to spew but have nothing, felt awesome.
I know I have mixed feelings about last night,
on one side YAY I was super high and empty and did stuff and felt good
on the other side BOOO I have to depend on chemistry to get me through? And we're not even talking prescribed chemistry, I'm talking cough medicine WTF? Oh and let's not forget sleeping mini-me next door. I feel like such a junkie mom (I know not the worst drug...but still). Pot I have no problems with because to me it's that beer that others drink to come down in the evening. I smoke a j.
I need a therapist my mom is calling one at noon. I know, I'm 23, run my own household and I don't have the balls to call a doctor for an appointment.
I=sad....
now i don't even know if they are going to take her for an extended time but now the previously oh so awesome fahja is not cooperating. well unless he wants me to end up on the 12 o'clock news as a mother that either killed or hurt her child he needs to do something. foster family is def still a possibility. i love my child to much to allow myself a complete breakdown in front of her if i still have the sanity to fight it.
i could go into why i'm doing this but i think i've done that before, maybe i'll sit down and write exactly why i feel such dissatisfaction but if i did that i couldn't make mini-me's breakfast. ugh she woke up crying today...that's never a good sign. it'll be a long day. at least i already got a kiss from her (very rare occurrence she's not very lovey dovey) which makes me happy. love my little monster.
today i'm continuing with no eating. I'll be drinking 2 protein shakes as mentioned in my previous post. I just have to stay food free. I can't control crazy but i can control the food going into my mouth...it's just about the last thing i have control over since my life is def not the thing i'm controlling
mrrrrrmmmmm
if you read this i love you...i shall respect you for making it through this "thing" whatever you wanna call it
muah muah muah
off to continue reading more blogs...i try to read entire blogs before i hit follow so it takes me a while...actually no reading now, I'll be making mini-me's food now but after that while she eats...yeah
that's how i spell out the sound marge simpson makes when she feels dissatisfaction.
I HATE MYSELF
I AM WEAK
I AM TO DEPENDENT ON OUTSIDE FORCES
wtf made me think it was alright to do dxm? granted one time it helped me view myself in a better light, and stop purging for a bit. but yesterday i looked into the mirror and i looked round, my face looked round, i don't even think my face looks that round sober.
well i made great process on the bracelet later last night until i realized i'd skipped a whole color for who knows how long and now i have to restart i think. but it's ok the bracelet making is actually fun.
last night after sharting myself while on the phone with my b.f.f., and then deciding to read the side effects of the pills which include, nausea, diarrhea, and vomiting. Great I got to experience every last one of those last night. Which when you enjoy vomiting and you haven't eaten anything all day, that complete emptiness when your ass and your mouth want to spew but have nothing, felt awesome.
I know I have mixed feelings about last night,
on one side YAY I was super high and empty and did stuff and felt good
on the other side BOOO I have to depend on chemistry to get me through? And we're not even talking prescribed chemistry, I'm talking cough medicine WTF? Oh and let's not forget sleeping mini-me next door. I feel like such a junkie mom (I know not the worst drug...but still). Pot I have no problems with because to me it's that beer that others drink to come down in the evening. I smoke a j.
I need a therapist my mom is calling one at noon. I know, I'm 23, run my own household and I don't have the balls to call a doctor for an appointment.
I=sad....
now i don't even know if they are going to take her for an extended time but now the previously oh so awesome fahja is not cooperating. well unless he wants me to end up on the 12 o'clock news as a mother that either killed or hurt her child he needs to do something. foster family is def still a possibility. i love my child to much to allow myself a complete breakdown in front of her if i still have the sanity to fight it.
i could go into why i'm doing this but i think i've done that before, maybe i'll sit down and write exactly why i feel such dissatisfaction but if i did that i couldn't make mini-me's breakfast. ugh she woke up crying today...that's never a good sign. it'll be a long day. at least i already got a kiss from her (very rare occurrence she's not very lovey dovey) which makes me happy. love my little monster.
today i'm continuing with no eating. I'll be drinking 2 protein shakes as mentioned in my previous post. I just have to stay food free. I can't control crazy but i can control the food going into my mouth...it's just about the last thing i have control over since my life is def not the thing i'm controlling
mrrrrrmmmmm
if you read this i love you...i shall respect you for making it through this "thing" whatever you wanna call it
muah muah muah
off to continue reading more blogs...i try to read entire blogs before i hit follow so it takes me a while...actually no reading now, I'll be making mini-me's food now but after that while she eats...yeah
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