urrrmmmm quite a negative post today

lately i've been listening to a lot of music
i took 2 laxies today
i was triggered by a friend so i b/p'ed twice today
i'm exhausted
unmotivated

i don't know i'm not having a bad day but it's just a blargh, how about i talk about last night a bit.
my friend came over last night. i figured ok it'll be good to have somebody around in some way. so she came over, which she's a friend from my pot head days. we lit up the j came to me 3 times. we followed the puff puff pass rule. i only wanted to pull twice but it turned into 3. it felt amazing. but i don't feel the urge to have it in my life but truly just here and there. (so yeah Phantom should we ever meet in person I'm down with smoking a blunt ^_^)
well we smoked in my bathroom, she lifted the toilet lid and seat to ash in and so the remnants of my purge on the side. dammit why do i forget to clean the toilet after a purge sometimes?
anyway she knows. which was fine i explained to her the need of control in my life she asked if my therapists know and i told her no but they know about my need to have control over my weight. and how they told me that once i get a hobby and a job and all that normal stuff i'd probably loose this want for control so it's just a matter of time. (ok it's a lie if anything having a job and whatnot will probably plunge me further into this abyss)
anyway this morning she brought it up again after i came back from dropping mini-me off. ugh why did i have to be so honest. fuck you weed (i love you anyway).
anyway so she was like it's not good to eat you'll be tired, and exhausted.(my thoughts in a different color) i wish i could control what i eat to nothingness, if i ate nothing i wouldn't need to give an offering at my favorite porcelain altar then i tell her i don't throw up all the time and i know all the risks and a lecture is not going to make me stop. i know what can happen to my body. the heart problems, the hair loss, the blood in vomit, the deadly looking complexion. her well what if you have like a stroke, what about mini me. so i answer it won't happen wins out.
so then we leave the house i'd wanted to go drink coffee with her but the place she suggested ended up being closed so we just did our grocery shopping together and on the way she's all talking about food and what she was going to eat and she's listing non vegan foods (ok i can't really call myself vegan because my binges are def non vegan but i try) and i'm just like oh well i don't eat that, it's not vegan. and then she's talking about some strawberry smoothies she makes and asks me if i still eat strawberries. and i'm like uhm yeah i do still eat i don't live on nothing unfortunately.
yeah so when i got home after we went our separate ways i binged and purged. i couldn't help it. it just all this talking about that just urgghhh it's so fucking aggravating. this is why it's something you keep secret. she had the nerve to also ask me if my mom knew about it. uhm yeah it's totally something i'm going to tell the world. if i hadn't been high i would have kept that shit to myself.
oh and this morning after i'd gotten dressed and weighed myself (not in that order) and the scale saying 76.1kg she's all like omg you look so thin and small. bitch stop saying stupid shit i feel fat and you're comments aren't helping. i don't know why that comment which should have made me happy made me feel shittier. i think it's because i know it's a lie.
however a proud moment...no munchies. yeah none at all i was able to make food disgusting to me. i think more than the feelings i get high, the disgust of food is what really kept me smoking. i knew when i smoked food would be disgusting, so it became an all day thing for me. yes i know i have a kid but not the point here i'm a flawed mother, i don't even need to get into that one. if i do i'll just hate myself more than i already do with all this weight and what not. at least right no my self hatred is focused on something that if i make use of that will power i have somewhere in me i can change it.
oh during my first b/p for no reason i had the urge to cry but i couldn't i could only tear up. but it was there. i don't even know why there was no reason, at least i had the next best thing lined up...purging. so i purged the emotion away and felt fucking great.
the only downside to the current purging is that since i had to take that break (i know it was short but idk) i'm super tired after purging now. which is fine makes me to lazy to get up for anything aside from mini-me's needs.
yeah i've read all your posts today and just want to say sorry for not commenting i barely have the energy or willpower to write this post but i'm really trying to be a good blogger and post everyday that i can.
i don't know about next week because next tuesday until the new year i'll be going down to my besties because i just need to enter 2011 with her, she's my soulmate we can never be together since we both love penis but doesn't change the fact, makes my life easier because i don't have to look for mine anymore just gotta find a guy who'll take me with all my issues, and lola when i find him i'll try to get you his brother if he has one lol. this way i can help her out by looking out for her kid while she's at work so she doesn't have to try and find a baby sitter since school is on winter break. but i'll be taking my laptop and my phone so i might just post from my phone which means more typos than what's good but it'll be ok you'll get over it (^_^)
before i end this i have to come clean about something. i mean i just realized this myself but i don't think i'm ready to give up mia...actually i don't even know anymore if i want to. i kept telling myself i do considering all the dangers and what not but i actually enjoy my trip to the bathroom a bit to much to be wanting to leave her. i think i was in denial. when i'm ready i'll seek out professional help.
stay strong you lovely lovely bloggers and blog readers, my true support system as i'm falling down into this twisted ass abyss of disordered eating
MUAH

sometimes when i see white snow i wish i was a guy so i could pee my name in it

pathetic just pathetic the fail and the win both of them...
so first to the fail
my weight
167.1lbs (75.8kg)
fatty mcfatfat is throwing a party right now. A gain a fucking gain. I'm going to tell myself that it's because of the onion soup (we all know onions cause bloating) and not fall into a pit of complete self-loathing

let's see my win
I can purge again. Ok before we start on the i want to quit, i want to repeat that my win is pathetic. here are my thoughts on it: yes i know i want to leave mia's ass. it's love/hate all the way. sometimes i want to stay with her. however having my purging ability stolen from me made me angry. I'M the one that get's to decide when this relationship between us is over. you can't just take it away from me. it's the whole i'm breaking up with you, you're NOT breaking up with me thing going on.
so last night i made myself another soup then fried some bread in soy sauce and put it in the soup. then i purged it and it made me happy.

so today i went to the pharmacy to buy me some laxies, because they make me happy in the intestine.
me: i need some laxitives but the pills please.
lady: ok what kind (names the brand)
me: yeah those are fine
lady: do you want the 20 pills, 50, or 100
me: how much are they
lady: 4.50, 7.50, 14.95
me: i'll take the 100
i then pay and am so happy i want to just pee my pants. it's like yes i have 100 laxitives no questions asked. hope she doesn't remember me once that pack is done when i go back to her. oh it made me so happy. it's like support for my disorderedness
i know i'm a tard.

sometimes i wish all the people i've gotten to know on here that we could just meet up hang out. however looking at it realistically it would destroy the anonymity some of us try to maintain on here and might be akward. i'm by nature an akward person. i mean yeah i actually show my real me on here or rather write it but people make me nervous i guess that's why i got diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. but i'm just saying. it be great to have friends to hang out with that really get what you're going through. i mean i have very few real life friends. most of them don't live anywhere near me...make that all. my besty lives 40mins by car from me. and if i had a car that wouldn't be a problem. the train costs money so yeah....not the point i was getting at, but i know she can't completely comprehend what the deal is even though she gets every other aspect of me, anyway just saying i wish i had people like you guys to hang out with. people that don't pressure me into eating because "you don't eat enough"..."oh i think i do you just don't see it."
in other news mia girly is going into a rehab center to help her recover, in about 2 months is check in. guess who's going to be visiting her? yep you got it, me. this rehab center is focused only on eating disorders. AKWARD. i'm really happy they're getting help but i know i'm going to be like THINSPIRATION, THINSPIRATION, THINSPIRATION. that's just how my sick mind works...

so guys stay strong
i have been so far, i haven't eaten anything at all yet today.
MUAH

ENCORE

here you go Phantom my Encore for you:

oh yeah i got a few more vids of jrockers falling on/off stage. i know schadenfreude is wrong but oh it cracks me up so hard

so yeah today isn't to bad intake wise. fatty came back but i took care to have no bad foods around for her.
Onion Soup 3 servings at 70cals each
pack of tofu fried in soy sauce shared with mini me
raspberry soy milk shake
1 clementine and some wedges jacked from mini me
it's not to bad considering the past few days. oh and let me not forget the bowel movements i've had today. 3 yes you read right 3. no laxies i don't know what's the dealio but yeah crazy right. speaking of laxies getting some tomorrow because i'll actually have time to do me since mini me is staying from 9-14:30 oh happy day. a me day. a day where it's all about me...and cleaning the house and such but i actually didn't eat anything until mini me came home so if i can pull that off tomorrow i'll do better than i did today.

since we're on the subject of mini me i don't think mini me ate at day care (i'll have to ask them if she ate well yesterday), talk about glutton she's had 2 clementines, 2 slices of bread, and been wanting chocolate since she came back. she's not having the chocolate because she only get's one of them a day and no more. i have to be strict in someplace in my child rearing i figure chocolate intake is the best. she never eats this much. i guess playing with other kids makes hungry and/or she's creeping up on a growth spurt. first comes the eating, then the sleepiness and then, "wtf why can she reach way up there all of a sudden"
so i'm actually proud of myself and before i get into why i'll have to edit my timbs review. the boots are not warm however they are water/snow proof, so i wore an extra pair of socks (because i rock my socks) and i was fine.
so to the pride, i walked to the day care when i went to pick mini me up. i mean i was planning on taking the bus but then i was like you know what fat ass, it's cold but when you're walking you're in motion so you'll get over it. glad i did it felt good. and i'm actually there quicker walking than with the bus. with mini me i do take the bus because she won't walk that far and stroller and snow are just not a good combo. however on my walk i did almost bust my ass because there were icy patches. oh yeah and that's where my previous ponder came from. should i have risked the fall to raise my cals burned? i mean screw embarrassment if it means more calories burned. i'm retarded in the brain huh?
insane in the membrane, insane in the brain
yeah this post isn't so comprehensible but i was just writing the way it came out
thank you guys for the compliments on my painting. i do urge anyone to start. it's so much fun. i might do another one tonight if i have the energy but once again i'm sick. i'm thinking regular cold this time. i'm beginning to think i really did fuck myself up with mia especially as far as my immune system goes. i used to never get sick like this. i mean yeah i'd have a cold but that would be like once a year if that. i remember i used to go out with wet hair in freezing weather (frozen curls are so much prettier---DON'T TRY THIS OUT) and now i've had some ailment probably for the past month if not more. ughhh
yeah so before i get to whiny
thank you to my new follower you are appreciated
STAY STRONG GUYS
MUAH

Ponder

I didn't fall bit almost did so would you burn more cals if you fell while walking or if you made it incident free because if its more when falling i'll take that risk and bust my ass

EPIC FAIL

fatty mcfatfat won
stupid fat cow
166.7lbs (75.6kg)
ughhhhh but i can't hide i must do something. this fucking sabotage has got to stop.
it's monday a day for beginnings. i need to make it such. i don't have a plan but i'm going to just take the day on as it comes. i'll start with drinking tea. Probably should write down all my consumption though.

@Konrad thanks, yeah i did draw it and i was so intimidated by acrylics until i tried them i was like only artists use this stuff, but it's so much fun, i think it's really worth it. there's so many things you can do with them. in the clinic we had all sorts of tools but my favorite thing was using a sponge to apply the bottom colors because you can nicely mesh the colors into each other. i don't have a sponge now just paint brushes but still fun. i encourage this hobby. peer pressure peer pressure.

well time to start the day
stay strong
MUAH

so after some therapy

which includes the blogs i guilt tripped you guys into and then stalked to see if you posted j/k
i decided i would bust out the acrylics and the canvases i bought a long time ago and never used. my therapist (the one i haven't been to in forever and i'm thinking of just finding another one) advised me to get a hobby. and while i was in the loony bin i found painting was relaxing.
i'm no artist mind you but i did draw this little picture tonight. i thought i'd share it with you guys. it's not great but i think that's the awesomeness about working with paint, it doesn't have to be. it's about you. unless you plan on being a pro then well maybe you do need some talent. unless you do abstract ha ha.

i suggest that anybody who needs something to do should paint...well if you like it. i just find it super calming and i think i'm gonna do it more often, now.
i'm going to actually hang this in my kitchen as a reminder to myself. i'm sure you can guess from the purple and red what i was getting at.
anyway mucho love yo
stay strong
MUAH

fat person writing

fatty mcfatfat checking in and posting a blog instead of dylphe.
dylphe is currently hiding in a little corner of this brain we share, whining and crying about how fat she is. so i took over today, i've taken over the past few days as a matter of fact and i'm enjoying it. mwahahahaha. i'm making this body consume food. dylphe came out for a second trying to purge but ha that little hump that came out did no damage to what i stuffed in there. yeah she's finally done it. made it impossible for her body to rid itself of all the food i stuff in it.
pancakes today and about a liter of a soy milk shake. doesn't sound like much but the wannabe-skinny-bitch is being a punk-bitch and wailing at her failures and my success.
but i'm not completely heartless, she wants me to tell you guys thank you for the awesome comments oh and lola don't feel bad for the low correspondence just because she posts a comment doesn't mean you should feel obligated and neither should anyone else.
she thinks she's building up resolve for tomorrow but i'm taking this body over and returning it to it's former fat glory muhahahaha
*
*
*
yeah sometimes I feel like that's how things go in my body. two different personalities there's me, dylphe and then there's fatty mcfatfat.
i need to destroy that bitch.
but on a serious note i have to get out of this slump. there's time to drop this weight. i'd be lying if i said i didn't step on the scale but it was edging its way back up to 75kg and i'd already drank something by the time i'd stepped on. discipline at an all time low

so tomorrow will be my next "official" weigh in.
god it's snowing so much at the moment. i took this picture this morning out of my bedroom window

since then it's snowed even more i don't even know how the hell i'm going to make it to day care. i made it to grocery shop yesterday so i'm hoping i'll have the same success tomorrow.

now i have to call a "friend" of mine who thinks i'm mad at her because she didn't call me day before yesterday just because i didn't answer the phone yesterday when she was calling because i didn't feel like talking to anybody because i was busy reading a  manga. i know that might sound a bit pathetic but what can i say that's just the way it is man. i only pick up for my besty and my mom, because my besty is my besty and my mom will fucking drive to my house because she'd start panicking thinking something horrible happened. well later i was on the phone with my besty and when i did try to call her her phone was busy so i called my besty again and was pretty much on the phone with her all night. oh well bitch'll get over it because i won't leave her a choice. that's just the way i roll *gangsta lean*
lately my blogs have more of me in them i noticed. more jokey jokeness. feel special guys because it means i'm loving you hehe
oh i have 2 new followers, thank you but one of them is like super duper secretive because they're not in my list just in the numbers but i appreciate you too so thanks.
stay strong
MUAH
and post dammit i love reading your blogs ^_^ even if i don't comment all the time
(-_-) n(__)n

my body is not an excuse

so yesterday i was feeling bingy. i realized though it didn't have anything to do with the chinese food, it's the hormones. i'm currently in PMS mode. so yeah. however now that i have pinpointed the problem i know i can fight it. i have to.
weight this morning 162.9lbs-63.8lbs (73.9kg-74.3kg) the scale wasn't to sure itself. it was a deserved weight gained i'm not happy but i accept it as a part of the bingy fuckup.
i didn't purge everything yesterday because i couldn't. i was hand fucking my throat yesterday i just couldn't get the gag going. it sucks it's been so difficult to purge lately. i scratched my throat as well so i'll just have to restrict. when i want to binge i'll just have to remember bitch it ain't coming out...now that i think about it i think i just made it possible for me to have a future in porn. yay, it's what i always dreamed of (sarcasm).
everything is covered in snow pretty to look at pain in the ass because i'm going to have to walk through it to go get groceries with mini me who is so slow in the snow. i hate it. i don't have winter boots so my feet freeze real quick and having a sick-wanna-play-in-the-snow kid along is not fun. well i'll just have to deal with it.
i have these timberlands my parents got me (long story but they were free for them) they are knee high and the tounge is fur and the top edge is fur (real? idk) anyway they look so warm but bitch please those are fashion boots. i got excited when they gave them to me in the early fall thinking yay i have winterboots even if they aren't my style at all. well they lied. stupid fashion shoes. don't get me wrong i love cool shoes even though i'm more of a vans girl myself...anyway back to the point: they don't hold warm and it sucks.
yeah ladies and gents
stay strong
MUAH

random not really food related

i'm so tired of being single

i want a guy one that can handle my kid, me, and my disordered eating

i wish there was a dating site for pro-ana/mia(lack of a better term) people. that way the eating habits are not an issue
i know it's sick but yeah....although i probably wouldn't sign up since i don't even have the balls for a normal dating site but yeah...

sabotage

162lbs(73.5kg)
i fuck up and then i sabotage myself
last night went like this:
nomnomnomgulpgulpnomnomnom
hargh*cough*hargh*cough
nomnomnomgulpgulpnomnomnom
hargh*cough*hargh*coughnomnomnomgulpgulpnomnomnom
hargh*cough*hargh*cough
if i fuck up once in a day i see no more point for that day
i should be glad it's not a lot of gain all things considered.
@tia i was glad i couldn't purge for the same reasons but as you can see it unfortunately didn't stay that way
right now i have a liter of tea cooling off next to me, today i won't be leaving the house so i know i have to do it. i can do it. there's nothing stopping me except for me
I LOVE YOU GUYS
stay strong
MUAH

The day has went to shit

I ate...a lol
my mom ordered chinese food. since her job is right by the doc's office. i said i didn't want any and she gave me that look. she's already suspicious of me even though i'm still a fat ass. some call it concern i call it annoying
so i had to eat and i couldn't purge. ugh i had monks food though so it wasn't to bad but it still made me nauseous
well the day food wise is failed.
mini me has a bacterial lung infection. she just has to take some antibiotics. here skin is probably just sensitive and reacting to that however it could be a temporary allergic reaction. she's getting cough syrup, antibiotics, and some drops that help with allergic reactions, it's supposed to help with the itchiness. next year she gets checked all over for allergies again just to make sure and see what the dealio is. i'm glad it's not scarlet fever and nothing to serious
well i wish you a good remaining day, night or whatever it is on your end of the world
stay strong
MUAH

So far my day

Has been ok
my kid might have scarlet fever i'm actually on the bus on the way to the doc right now just started day care and already were trying out a new illness. Her mood is good though so i'm not to worried.
Food wise i'm feeling good i took a bite off a torn off piece of my daughters pretzel realized how it was so not worth it and put the piece back in the bag. WIN
the big test is evening time but i'm going to hold on to this feeling and make it. I drank a liter of black tea with soy milk that i foamed up so i'm doing good in the hydration department to. If i actually feel hunger today i'll make myself a soy milk shake probably with strawberries but maybe rasberries we'll see
stay strong
MUAH

does releasing frustration before sleep cause weight to drop?

because the scale said
160.7lbs (72.9kg)
do a little dance, don' t make a little love, still to fat today, fat today
anyway this does not mean i can indulge in mia. i still need to drop her. it's not cool behavior and i want to be a cool kid. I also need to remember how dehydrating that habit is and drink A LOT!!!
so this'll be short we'll see how the day goes.
must get ready check on mini me and see if she's up for day care.
stay strong
muah
thank you so much for your lovely comments!!!
i'm hoping for a better day and the number put me at a good start at least

before i go to bed...

my body is not like yours, i don't loose weight like you do. i can't follow a "normal" diet and expect it to work for me. my body is not capable of processing food like a normal person. i've fucked it up.
after a binge follow the 3 p's
pee
purge
puff
it's ridiculous. i lost count on my b/ps in the past few days. it's disgusting. don't ask me how many times i went at it today. i don't know anymore. i'm disappointed but it's that high i get. it's not the same high i used to get, it's just happiness that the food i couldn't resist stayed out. i need to figure out why i do this and stop. i need to fast. i need to restrict. why am i suffering. do i need to wait until the new year? i don't want to. i have so much weight to drop. 45.9lbs if i'm going by this mornings weight. fuck that's a lot.
i'm so urrrgghh right now only because this is my struggling weight. i'd like to think that since everybody has that weight that their body wants to be at and will fight to be at this must be mine. how retardedly fucked up is my body to want to be an overweight fat pig? it's time to beat that out of it. i don't care what my body wants if i did i wouldn't be destroying it in the process.
anyway i'm not really depressed right now just frustrated with myself. i'll be fine in the morning. much movement i hope.
we'll see what tomorrow brings since mini-me was sick and all. damn snow chaos over here. we're in fucking germany you know what winters are like. this is not the south in the states where everything shuts down because of one snowflake. WTF. ok i'm not trying to bash stateside but when we were living there for the first time (well me not my mom, who'd lived in the northern midwest before) we were like WHAAT the schools are closed?
no but seriously everything was in chaos yesterday morning. insanity. get your shit together city.
anyway so over that i'm starting to type in tired delirium so excuse me.
OMG System of a Down is coming here next summer and I probably won't have the money to go because those tickets will probably sell out like next month. BASTARDS. but anyway at least they'll be at Rock im Park and Rock am Ring so I'm sure MTV will broadcast it.
Ok off to bed
this failed chicky needs her sleep
STAY STRONG
MUAH

the bitch has got to go (i edited so the weight is in lbs as well)

muthabruthin weight gain. yes my friends i gained. mia is a dirty lying whore. more on that after the weight
162.9lbs(73.9kg) PATHETIC JUST PATHETIC
let's see i binge and purged to much yesterday and i think my body held on to whatever calories it could and turned them into fat. *sigh* suck my ass cheeks mia you always come and sabotage this weight.

you have gots to go bitch you ain't welcome here. mmmmhhh hmmmm(insert ghetto neck roll, finger snaps and eyerolls here)

no i can't blame her completely she does have a lot of control but in the end i can't blame everything on that addiction. i can be stronger than her. and i'm going to be it starts today. it has to start today i have to stop making empty promises to myself. i can't be successful any other way. so it's time to move on stop putting all the blame on the imaginary voice get real and handle my shiznit.

so yeah thank you guys for all the lovely comments especially about sharing on here. it used to be hard for me but now i just do it, it's just i feel that my behavior being so shameful as it is in a way for me i should feel more shame sharing however i'm so glad i have such understanding people reading this blog i <3 you guys
@hanrietta some bingers drive to a restaurant or take out place or grocery store, since i have a kid and can't leave her alone at night i order out...sad i know, i need to really set myself boundaries, your way is better
@lou yeah i hope he remembers the tip not the food he delivered
@nessa i would like to say you are the queen of made up words and i mean that in a good way i enjoy them in your blog.
i try to go by live and let live but i'm going against that with the criticalness so i'm trying
@colors thank you for your words

thank you for following guys i lost one follower but i'm actually surprised it took them this long to drop because i think their main interest was fashion, i don't even know how they found me. i need to find a new word for followers because i don't really feel like a leader ^_^
stay strong
MUAH

When ordering from a pizza service

First figure out what to order, it's not about taste although I order a ridiculous amount it still has to look like i'm ordering for more than one person. I mean yeah fat girl answering the door but it must look like fat girl has somebody in her living room waiting for their share.
Always order online, no need to let them hear my voice it might give away something I don't want to share the fact that a binge is happening and the excitement and horror of the coming binge, also to be avoided the need to pretend there is somebody else in the room.
Hit the delivery button.
Make sure apartment is in order, shoes are neatly lined up, place some extra shoes so it looks like there's somebody else there. Yes it's pathetic but this is what I do. I sometimes even let the shower run so it seems like someone is in the shower. Make sure all my coats are hanging. Yes I try to fake the funk. I could never be a mia that goes into a buffet and just goes at it by herself. I'm very secretive the idea of people knowing the amounts I eat freaks me the fuck out. I'm ashamed of myself.
Oh have you guessed what I did tonight? yeah totally went for it. I mean hardcore.
I wanted to share my patheticness with you guys. shameful how i have no more shame when it comes to sharing how sad of a person i really am. as much as i offer my cyber-shoulder trust me you never want to cry on my real shoulder 1 it's fat and disgusting and 2 my patheticness (which is not really a word well wasn't until now) might rub off on you. Ha Ha
no but seriously this is a order-food-binge day for me. it's my ritual sad i know.
so yeah delivery guy comes and then after he gives me the food it takes him forever to get the damn card reader to work, he was new but all i was thinking was hurry up dammit i need to gorge myself, and man you're making my water bill more expensive here buddy. so then once he's done i give him 2 euros for his silence (didn't say it of course). then i wait by the door until he goes down the stairs which once again takes him forever. then i turn the water off in the shower and the rest is history and doesn't really need to be shared
be stronger than me, mia got to me today
MUAH

so critical lately some may think i'm drinking haterade but seriously i'm not

so today i wrote a tweet that said Thank you fattie for taking the escalator it made me take the stairs 
which made me realize after posting it that i have become quite critical, insensitive and somewhat critical of really fat people. 
i'm actually kind of ashamed. i used to be a really fat person, now i think i've managed to get down to just a pretty fat person (pretty not in the sense of aesthetics). 
i don't know if they are trying to loose weight, i don't know their story, maybe they are on meds, maybe they have a medical condition they are trying to sort out, who knows. but when i see them the first thought is god you need to work on yourself hon. i mean at least i'm still checking myself after...usually. 
i feel mean but i can't help it. i know i'm projecting my self hate on other people. i've lost the understanding of being happy while fat. i can't do it. i saw a book today while browsing the bookstore and they actually had a book on making yourself happy eating. for me that's an impossibility. any raving i do over food is just faking the funk so people don't think anything weird. 
when food enters my mouth self-loathing enters my mind. i still have problems ordering food somewhere, or just grocery shopping especially when it's binge food shopping. 
but i'm becoming one of those critical people. i shouldn't be i mean i don't know what they might be going through, how they are feeling, what they are trying. 
however i refuse to have any compassion with fat people who complain about being fat and do nothing. considering where i come from as far as weight loss goes i know it's hard, and i'm probably making it harder on myself not the point however. i'm not saying they have to do it like me, actually they shouldn't do it like me, they should go the healthy route so if anybody stumbled upon this blog considering the "pro-ana way" don't do it. Reduce your intake a little to 1500 cals 1200 if you want to push it, and exercise. Eat healthy foods and not to many processed foods. Don't deny yourself anything and don't get anal about counting calories. Enjoy going out to eat and all that jazz. I can't do that. As much as I love eating sushi, everything comes with a side of self-loathing and guilt. If I can't purge after I can't enjoy anything I do after. I usually go with my bestie if i do go eat and basically the whole afternoon is shot, outside i'm happy inside i'm contemplating how to correct my mistake, if there is any way to even do it. So yeah this has turned into a whole big thing more than I actually planned this post to be but yeah just some thoughts. 
what I learned today (after drinking it) a cherry caprisun has 89cals. WOW I really wasted some cals today. Shame on me. Bad girl Dylphe bad girl. 
So Stay Strong Ladies and Gents I love you guys no matter what size you are know that, and please believe I'm never critical of you. Which saying that does not mean I'm calling you fat but...you guys get what I'm saying I'm stumbling in awkward territory right now getting more and more lost soooo...
MUAH

loss

however don't like to much how i did it....purging all day pretty much everything i ate went down the toilet which i've found i prefer standing up bent over purging. i'm usually a fat ass and kneel but ha i like standing.
anyway i'm at 162.3lbs (73.6kg) finally back in that range now the only thing i have to do is keep at it. i've been fucking up around this number in the past months. i can't do that  i still have about 20kgs to go before i list my ugw.
i didn't go to the doctor yesterday, i got an appointment for today but does me no good because i have no one to get mini-me from day care and that's not good. she's still in that phase where she's only there for limited times. that doesn't end until thursday so i might have to reschedule my appointment for then. which sucks but what can i do? nothing. nobody can go pick her up, or better yet the people i trust are either not picking up their phone or they have other things they HAVE to do. see this is why i need a guy. and with that i mean a support system...a support system that gets me laid.
stay strong
MUAH

it's a success when your hand smells like vomit

the scale did it's funky number thing again 73.6,73.7, 74, 74.1 kg.
I'm gonna go with 163.4lbs (74.1kg) and play it safe.
Today I have my appointment at the gyno. But I have to wait 15 minutes before I can make an appointment. They don't open until 8.
regarding the title, I know this will sound gross but when I purge and I don't get everything my hand'll just smell like food but when I get it all and hit the bile it smells like vomit. Yeah it's gross but that smell makes me happy. Especially with the stomach pain lately it just hasn't been possible. I can take a lot of pain, but it was just to intense a lot of time these past weeks.
Yesterday I ate kinda normal, but at my besties I drank soda and not the diet kind, however she doesn't have anything different and I can't get down with the tap water it has a funny aftertaste, and I don't trust tap water. I will drink mine though because when I put it on cold it's like fridge cold and then I can pretend I got it out of the fridge so it's ok. I also b/pd but when i was eating it felt dumb, it didn't taste good, i didn't want it i only did it because i'd already started and figured i'd make this purge worth it (is there any purge ever really worth it?)
Some good comments this weekend
My mom: you lost weight again?
Me: Like 3Kg
Mom: No you've lost more
Me: Not according to the scale and that's what I go by
Mom: No you've lost more it must be the bloating, your waist is so small

At my besties house
Her Neighbor: Hey can I get a ride to your city with you and your mom tonight
Me: I don't know, and I can't call her right now so I'll have to ask later
H.N.: Eeey you're not Dylphe
Me: WTF then who am I
H.N.: How much more weight are you planning to loose
Everybody laughs
I think: a lot more see that skinny chick (my bestie) yeah I'm trying to get down there
Glad everybody was laughing so I didn't have to respond, I don't like answering that question anymore. It's weird I don't want people to know where I'm trying to go. I'm now starting to get close to a healthy weight range and we'll see what happens when the loss continues past then. I'm looking forward to it but I'm scared of people's reaction when it isn't good.

THANK YOU for all your positive comments on the weight loss and things they are awesome.
@skinny_el yeah I do need to remember to keep eat days healthy if I do decide to do them.

Speaking of eating I asked for a rice cooker for christmas. although I did want to do the potato diet I found I'm to lazy for that shiznit (the peeling), so I see a new diet on my horizon. The rice diet. My bestie told me about a co-worker who is no super skinny after loosing her baby after having just lived off rice. With the rice cooker it's easy, rice and water in press the button. Won't have to worry about burning. Oh happy day

So I'll post after the doctors.

Stay strong
MUAH

Wuz up

So at my besties now her ass is sleep. I wish i could comment on your blogs but my phone is not having it.
I don't really know how my weight is and that's bugging me but i have to wait until tomorrow since my scale is fucked i'm scared to use anyone elses and since i slept at my moms yeah...
Last night i watched lie to me with my mom and funniest thing was when dude used hello kitty bandaids to bandage up. Its sp much better in english.
I ate like a normal person yesterday 3 times which is to much not cool tried to keep it healthy.
My mom says i look smaller than the 3kg i lost but i dunno i'm so bloated i look preggers so who knows.
Anyway signing off if its not to late when i get home i'll post
stay strong
muah

wtf happy news and THANK YOU

163.4lbs(74.1kg)
yes i lost weight despite being a little binge monster. let's go back down memory lane:
1 big bowl apple jacks w/ soy milk
2 plates tofu and green beans with garlic and soy milk
2 normal sized bowls apple jacks with soy milk
1 humongous bowl of apple jack with soy milk (this bowl was purged however)
some of you may not consider this binge worthy but none of this eating was planned, not even that humongous bowl. it's just apple jacks are very seductive to me. so i'll call it a binge because it's more food than i planned in
however i must keep in mind that just because i had a loss after eating it does not make eating ok for everyday. maybe like Honor I should allow myself an eat day.
A lot of you that I'm following have been so positive lately and it seems to have paid off, you guys are having success whether it's with your weight or with your life. I'm truly happy for you guys and it's helping me look at my future a little bit more brightly. although this path is filled with much darkness it is possible for us to be happy, find happiness, and all that jazz, we deserve it.
thank you for sharing your positivity

stay strong
muah
p.s. i might post again later today but i won't be posting tonight or tomorrow because i'm going to visit my besty, and since my mom is a nosy woman i'm not taking my laptop because she would be looking over my shoulder. i mean i'll be on my phone tweeting, texting, or fbing and she's trying to be all up in my business. i mean yeah if i was a teenager i could understand because there's just so much more crazy shit nowadays anyway tangent....

the situation (potentially TMI but I don't know when TMI begins so...)

so i went to the doctor today. let me tell you i felt pregnant again. he poked and prodded the stomach of course which was sooo painful, but anyway i had to give up a urine sample which was so orange i'm making myself drink A LOT today, and then I had an ultrasound. dude did not care about the cold. the whole time i was laying there i was thinking please don't let my stomach be all huge or anything from all the binging. well if it was he didn't say. anyway at first he thought i had a bladder infection but it seems i had a cyst on my ovary that burst, which can cause this kind of pain. he showed me what was my bladder and some black shadowy thing he said that wasn't supposed to be there and since it doesn't have a distinguishable form like a cyst it must have burst. i have to wait until monday to go to a gynecologist. but he gave me some antibiotics and maybe they'll help a little with taking care of it.
well that's what i get for not going to the vajayjay doctor for the last 3 years.
Today I'm eating normal, I just feel like if I have shit busted up in my stomach my body needs the nourishment and such. i mean i feel sooo guilty but i won't cave in and purge.
i've had a huge bowl of apple jacks (ok i couldn't resist those my mom got them for me and they don't sell them in german stores only on the military base), and i made tofu with green beans and soy sauce. so it's actually pretty healthy. i'm justifying the apple jacks with the fact that they have lots of fiber and that a few hours after eating them i took a huge (very painful) shit.
i don't know my weight because i don't trust any other scale besides mine (yes it's an untrustworthy bastard but at least i'm going to keep it consistent) so no weighing this morning. next weigh in tomorrow morning. i have no hopes really but my wish is that it's not a ridiculous gain.
another follower, thank you
well ladies and gents
stay strong
muah

Untitled

My only hope right now are those visible bones. I didn't do great today i ate tofu with soy sauce today on the bright side i didn't purge it and i won't be eating anything else because i'm spending the night at my moms and there's def none of that since her upstairs bathroom is getting renovated so she'll be using the downstairs one too.
Anyway i'm really going to go to the doctor tomorrow because murrr to this pain.
I weighed myself before i left the house and my weight hasn't fluctuated since this mprning just sucks i won't be able to get my morning weigh-in im.
Hope i have some reception on my phone at my mpms but i never really do
stay strong
muahe

Weigh In

164.2 lbs (74.5kg)
fucking gain
I knew my body and I were on a war path and today it's a perfect day for total destruction. However I'll have to keep it at a truce and see what happens today.
I was supposed to go to the doctor today but my kid is sick. NOT COOL. which means I can't take her to the day care to continue the getting used to it thingy. ughh...my ears hurt.
My body sucks ass cheeks...actually I wish it would then they wouldn't be so ginormous.
well i'd love to say i'm optimistic but i'm not.
i really need to go to the doctor but i think i'll have to push it off until tomorrow because it's cold, it's snow and i don't need my kid getting any sicker.
life's a bitch and then you die so fuck the world and let's get high...somebody wrote that on the music stand i was using in band, 7th and 8th grade. i wish i could get high right now. when life goes to shit i want to abuse a substance again. but i can't, i guess i'll just have to deal with reality.
i have a new follower...thank you

my day [edited because my computer posted before i was even done...bastard]

i am a huge disappointment and when it comes to my body a vindictive heifer!!!
so basically after putting mini-me down for her nap i was like ok i'm going to eat, so i ate some tofu with soy sauce. then i remembered oh i didn't want to eat so i purged.
well i went to the bathroom later that day (TMI WARNING) wipe my hiney and there's blood. i'm like WTF so of course I check to see what hole it's coming out of because yeah with the abdominal pain I wanted to make sure I didn't need to go to the hospital or something.
Well looks like my period is back and i just had it the last week in November. Well this evening the bleeding seems to have lessened a bit.
TMI ENDING
Well with all the above shit happening to my body aunt flo and the abdominal pain i got pissed at my body and just b/p ed a bunch of times. A lot actually and I don't think I was able to get all of it out, when stuff wasn't coming up anymore at all I wasn't tasting the bile like usual.
but yeah today I had revenge on my body and i probably made everything worse.
i actually think my problems come from the purging i know i need to stop but at this point i can't.
i'll probably gain.
i wish i could promise being stronger but i can't i'm sorry Fading Figure but no I didn't fast, i FAILED.
so hoping for more discipline tomorrow
oh and i'm going to the doctor tomorrow to figure something out about the pain.
stay strong(er than me)
MUAH

Time kill

Currently killing time my daughter has to go 30mins without me.
I'm sening this from my phone so i apologize for retarded spelling mistakes
i am so hungry right now but i don't have access to consumables so it's all good
my abdomen is still killing me i'm going to the doc this week my bestie said if i don't i can't come over sunday. It's more than likely something stupid harmless but i'm looking at worst case scenario and there needs to be so
e sort of procedure so i'm pretty much freaked right now.
Yeah hmmm don't have much to say however i might not be blogging saturday and sunday at the most quick updates
stay strong

Weigh In

162.5lbs (73.7kg)
i'm getting happy here loving the restriction more than ever
however last night it did end in a mini b/p...i couldn't say now to the pineapple and then other shit just pile on top you know. I also think i made the pineapple ok with the fact that i walked like 2 miles yesterday (1 to and 1 from the daycare)
that's the hardest thing i deal with, i do physical activity and think it's ok to eat. it's not at all. so since i'll be walking like this 5 days a week (exception of holidays), i need to remember that it's not ok.
i think the walk helped in the weight loss since yesterday since i'm usually a lazy bum.
oh well i need to stop writing i have to get mine-me and myself ready to go. i do not feel like walking through the snow hope they shoveled/swept it already

alright a recap

i think i ate way to much today, yes i'm certain i consumed less than 500 cals (no binge not even a mini one but a purge included) in food but i'm trying to be restrictive so i feel i have to be a food nazi about it (and no pun intended since i am german or maybe you could just blame it on my heritage except we've moved on from jews to food ~~ok that might have been in bad taste...deal with it ^_^). And there's also this hunk of pineapple still sitting in my fridge that i really want to consume but really shouldn't.
first off thanks for all the lovely comments guys. but you know what i love more than your comments? your blog entries seriously i do. i mean yeah i do love the comments because let's be honest inside everyone of us bloggers is a little comment whore who loves the validation that our posts are being read. and i'm trying to be better at commenting on people's posts. however i must say i love reading your blogs i honestly sit there and refresh my dashboard all day just to see if anyone posted. makes me sound sad? yeah i'll admit it i have no life. but it's like watching reality tv except you don't wish for shit to hit the fan (in this case a weight gain for most) but you're hoping for them to be successful (a loss, or a sense of control or both, or just general good stuff happening non ed related).
back to the comments though i have it so i get it e-mailed to me when somebody posts, why has hotmail been putting the updates in the junk folder lately. it's not junk it's pure awesomness hitting the mailbox, stop being a bitch hotmail.
so i've decided to use my msn messenger (wantabethinsoon(at)hotmail.com)for anyone that wants/needs to talk/rant/bitch/whatever and it doesn't have to be food related because although that's a lot of what we are about it's not all of it. I can't promise stimulating conversation because the reason i don't really use messenger is because at some point my conversations fizzle out into akward silence...or should i say emptiness since it's not really sound. i lack conversational skills, but yeah just so you guys know...
i guess i just want to connect more with this community because nobody else really gets it. plus i've probably told you guys more than anybody i know. i mean i got mia-girly but although i can talk to her usually it just turns into a binge fest minus the purging when she comes over. it's the whole oooh let's eat together feel guilty but not do the bad thing that we're both trying to stop doing. i love her but i guess two mia's in that situation aren't the best mix. however i'm trying to leave that life behind. not her just that lifestyle.
i really need to quit i might have seen blood in my purge today but i'm hoping something red got mixed into the potato salad by accident. i see what it's doing to me and two bloggers Phantom and Avani posted about the bad effects of mia today (let's not forget all the comments i've gotten from people over time thanks) and it's almost like a sign to me except the logical part of my brain isn't winning at the moment.
well love all you guys
stay strong
muah

EDIT: won't be on messenger tonight though because i have to handle some things in my household so yeah

you don't want to be a fat kid

see this is why kids develop eating disorders...this "sorta" love
it can also work later in life when it eats (no pun intended) at you that your dad tells you you're fatter than your step-sister and her boyfriend put together (true story kid you not)

quick post suggestion

Phantom's post is just great. she tells you about the danger mia causes so all of you out there indulging in the b/p cycle and don't really know what's happening read it. i liked it. i'm to far down to really have this deter me but maybe if i keep this in mind it'll make leaving that bitch behind easier.

woot woot

164lbs(74.4kg)
ok this is the easy part getting down into the 74s but I can't seem to get below it i seem to fuck up. i know this is just that quick weightloss because i went from basically binging to restricting. i know i can keep going today but sunday i'm going to my besties house but since my abdomen is still in so much pain i have an excuse. i know i need to go to the doctor but i'm going to wait until mini-me goes to daycare by herself next week to make and appointment because quite honestly she doesn't need to be there it's boring for a kid. plus i've been scarred with joining my mom into the doctors office. i had to go to the gyno with her and they did something where they used a camera (could've been ultrasound but i was somewhere between the ages of 6 and 8) yeah so i got to see the inside of my moms vajayjay which i know is natural but does a kid really need to see that? i know it's not the case at the regular doctors but just in case he decides it'd be a good idea to stick a camera in places....you know? i don't know, i have a lot of mental scarring from when i was a kid concerning the female body and sex thanks to my mother. maybe i'll get into that one day...any way where i was going with the pain was i can use it as a valid excuse not to eat. so yeah. because if i fall off this routine i can't just start all over again. i need at least 2 weeks on this in order to have the discipline to eat like a fat ass (normal in some people's term) and return to eating like a good girl that i know i can be and am being.
oh yeah the laxitives worked this morning...i took them around noon yesterday. they take 6-12 hours my ass. about 19 hours. but it might have helped i don't know. if you're tempted to eat chocolate but shouldn't just think shit looks like chocolate or chocolate looks like shit....(i check my toilet paper when i wipe...tmi sorry) so yeah think twice. i'm warning you as long as i'm feeling restrictive i might pick certain foods i feel i could possibly get into and make them sound gross

so here's the gist of things

i went to my appointment this morning to talk about my future working and stuff then found out it's the wrong agency because i've already learned a trade. great fucking bureaucratic fucktards. not only does it take forever to get shit done they can't get shit done right. doesn't help that i'm still in abdominal pain however i went and got some drops today, yes laxitive drops i took them earlier and i hope they do the trick because i'm not doing to well with this pain.

so i think like 2-3 posts ago i wrote a letter to food. oh yeah i was sincere. today i went to my daughters new day care to sign paperwork and shit and afterwards i asked my mom to stop at the grocery store. i wanted to get cigarettes bananas and something low cal i could eat. i'm feeling like starvin' marvin because besides the two little pieces of my daughters pretzel (one when i bought it and one when i contemplated finishing it off but didn't because it made me feel ugh) i've eaten nothing solid today.
so i'm going in the bananas look like shit, i'm sorry as much as mini-me wanted some i'm not paying for bananas that come with a free serving of fruit flies. so then i saw the pre-cut pineapple and bought one of those. i then scrounged around by the tofu area and i wanted to buy some flavorized tofu (you know with peppers or some shit) but then it didn't have the calorie label. and so i start walking around looking for something quick easy and low cal checking all the labels and seriously just trying to find something that wouldn't let me go over 500cals. reading everything, so eventually i bought some overpriced tortillas with some guacamole dip. the dip ain't that tasty but it's spice one plus point, had 2 tortillas 140 cals each. so not to bad. but anyway i was finally grocery shopping with a restrictive mind. not a what can i binge on mentality but a oh no, to many cals in this to many cals in that. it felt great. then i took a picture of this:

those Nutella jars besides being freakishly expensive have 1400g in them, 1.4kg, 3lbs. And then people wonder about the growing obesity rate. Monster jars of chocolate poison that sorry just because the german national soccer team makes commercials for it doesn't mean it's good for you.
oh yeah i've got the restrictive mentality back for now and it makes me happy. i have to get out of the 70's and head closer to the 50's because there's no way in hell i'm going through the same weight struggles all of next year. fuck that shit. it's not happening.
My rules
RESTRICT
RESTRICT
RESTRICT
anything to much
PURGE
PURGE
PURGE
attempt to start a fast. which i wanted to join Fading Figure but I have to go to my daughters day care with her all week and I don't want to risk dizzyness with all those children around. once she starts going and i just drop her off it's on.

oh and at the grocery store some teen bitch decided to say "she could have said excuse me." now i don't know if she was talking to me but i had to go behind her again real quick to get my nicotine sticks and she looked at me and i just gave her the i-wish-you-would-bitch look. she was quiet after that so i'm guessing she was referring to me however i don't remember being rude in anyway because i'm not a rude person and i always say excuse me even though somtimes i wonder why. yeah i wish she would have i could've taken her ass, all it woulda taken is my lard ass sitting on her and she would've been done. These cramps make me angry as if i was pmsing so i'm feeling unusually hostile toward human kind.

oh forgot to mention this morning i'm walking through town to get to my bus stop and this extremely skinny chicky with like a huge gap between her legs and i mean like a toddler could walk inbetween her legs while she's standing normal walked past. she was gorgeous and then she lit a cigarette. it makes you wonder doesn't it how many people suffer from disordered eating. i mean i'm not saying she does because i doubt i have an e.dar (e.d.+radar) but just saying
that's it for now
stay strong
muah
p.s. sorry for the jumbledness

Weigh In

My stomach is still causing me problems but the weight is going down yippee
167.1lbs(75.8kg)

so yeah busy day today depending on energy levels i'll post an update tonight

i can't find some important paperwork which sucks ass
stay strong
muah

murr why do i even bother (just venting no need to read)

on my landline i have a flat rate that i pay 3,95 euro extra a month so i can call
Poland, Greece, Italy, USA, Czech Republic, UK, France, Switzerland, Austria, Portugal, Spain, Netherlands, Belgium, Denmark, Canada, Norway, Sweden, Ireland, Luxemburg, Australia,
Andorra, Liechtenstein, Monaco, San Marino, and the Vatican unlimited and for no extra costs.
Obviously I only call the states, and there it's only two friends that I'm still in touch with from high school. seriously why do i bother those heifers are never available and we don't talk a lot once every 2 months maybe. they have lives so it's kinda hard especially considering the time difference.
Why would I need to call the vatican? maybe i should prank call the pope ha ha. I'm stuck with this service for two years...murr.
I just felt like complaining and I obviously can't complain to my friends because they aren't picking up the phone...so yeah i just wasted however much time it took you to read this. sorry
oh i started watching glee it's so cheesy i love it

A letter

Dear Food,
I think it's time me and you end this relationship.
I appreciate all the fun moments you've given me. The sensations on my tongue, and going down my throat. Seriously there was a time where I truly enjoyed you. I loved you I worshiped you, I'd do anything to be with you. However lately all you've caused me is pain. I'm tired of feeling guilty, I'm tired of all the fat you've given me. I know you meant well in your own selfish way. You just wanted to be consumed and experienced. I can't get myself to love you anymore, all I can do is hate. I can't enjoy you no matter how tasty you are. The last straw is this lower intestinal pain I've had for the past week. You whispered sweet nothings of feeling better but consuming you has made it even worse. I might come back to you on occasions but know this, we are over. All you'll ever be is a booty call, a cut friend, something I'll come to only in times of dire need. I can't say I won't fall for your sweet, salty, spicy, sour, juicy seductions ever again but I will fight you. Just know it's me not you. You have plenty of other connoisseurs, you won't be lonely there's enough obesity in this world.
I hate you.
Sincerely,
Dylphe


in other news another follower wow it's been a record weekend. I feel so honored thank you soooo much. And as I always offer to everyone follower or not, if you want a whore out on my blog just let me know. Post a comment shoot me an e-mail, whatever works for you.
Love you guys.
Here's to hoping no more binging, I finished off all the binge foods in my house (followed by purging of course which I didn't get all of it out thanks to the pain in my lower abdomen). I won't be seduced. I plan on feeling superior to all the chunk-monkeys out there who don't give a damn and don't try.
I drank more than a gallon in liquids today, I only peed twice. Yeah you read right twice. And it was pathetic. I am so bloated. I think I'll have to invest in some laxitives and water pills if my stomach stays in so much pain. It's been a week already what's really going on? Ugh I wish I was a spirit or ghost and those things just didn't concern me....
Stay Strong
MUAH

so weight this morning 167.99lbs (76.2kg). Mia has not failed me this time around. Oh yeah take that swollen throat I mad you suffer but it was worth it. oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah yeah yeah.
I got a bunch of followers. wow i've never gotten so many at once. THANK YOU I LOVE YOU. I just want to point out that if I started following you it's not because you started following me. I actually sat there and read your whole blog to see if it was something I could follow back. With that I mean am I willing to read this all the time. Which usually I am. In the early days I didn't always take the time to check my followers blogs because I was still trying to catch up with the blogs I was following. Since I'm currently looking for more blogs to follow but I'm to lazy to look for them, I do sometimes check out linkage in posts or when somebody posts a comment on somebodies page i'm like let me check their blog. I love new followers because it means new blogs to read. I'm really trying to get back into my disciplined vibe and if that means reading blogs all fucking day so be it.
I'm actually hoping to naturally have it easier because monday i have a filled day and that is always awesome. i feel to much shame to eat in public by myself, i feel watched and judged on my fatness.
Speaking of inspiration need reverse thinspo? check out People of Walmart it's the funniest shit ever. I'm glad I won't ever fall victim since I can't go to Walmart over here. I finally checked it out so TearsandSorrow this link is also for you since I wrote in the comment to you reverse thinspo works for me sometimes.
Uhmm yeah I can't promise that this is my last post for the day but this is it for now.
Oh I'm seeing people vlogging...do I dare make a vid and join the cool kids? idk we'll see if I have the balls or ever find something to talk about.
I'm really thinking of fasting so whenever somebody is doing one let me know I'll try to join depending on my schedule and if I have to eat anything because I'm doing something with parentals or friends and such. but i'll try. I just don't think if I say I'm gonna fast I'll pull through so I'll wait for someone else to start and be a follower ^_^

ok absolutely last post...for today or rather this waking period

ok here's my pics hope the size alignment is ok i'm to lazy
sorry for the bad quality but these are pictures from my cell phone taken from print pictures i know some people may not remember disposable cameras and such lol
love you guys i'm signing off here
MUAH

my senior yearbook pic

in 9th grade i thought i was hot shit i see that now i'm just like how fucking fat

me age 3 just thought i'd add that one in there picture this in white with light eyes and light brown hair and you've got mini me...well a little slimmer but just a bit

senior prom

senior year i think the shirt says warning curves ahead

homecoming junior year let's not even talk about those disgusting thighs and to think i thought i was hot shit back then oh ignorance is bliss

junior year

junior prom

10th grade

Let's not talk about food

i want to talk about where i came from as far as loosing weight and such goes i hope if i recap i'll get some of that discipline back this could be boring so feel free not to read...well you're free to not ever read anything i've posted but i'm very appreciative of you guys reading and i love you for it...well i also love you for being you
i used to be a happy big girl, at least on the outside, i'd always wanted to loose weight but since i was a lazy fucker i never did and just got content at being a fat ass. Pre-pregnancy I usually swayed around 98-103kg after coming back from college before college in 12th grade i was like 83kg and i only know that because i had to get my physical for college and the scale was set to kg and some cute nurse guy was weighing me and i was so embarrassed. so yeah i've been struggeling with poundage for a good while just i was in denial about it. plus in high school i was the girl with the booty and the boobies. i used to hang out with the black people so yeah it was actually a good thing to be "thick" whatever i was fat but hey i guess guys'll like what's available. (In an overseas military high school with only about 600 students there's not as much options as in an actual stateside high school)
well i used to be all about super skinny chicks needing to eat etc. and i think it was senior year i read Skinny Bitches are Evil by Mo'Nique which I guess just gave me validation in being a big girl. however i must add that she does say in her book even if you are big you need to be healthy (which to me now is just an oxymoron), also I watched Real Women have Curves around that time so yeah all about big girls are it.
however i will also say when i was a fatty i never had stretch marks, i had cellulite but no stretchmarks or muffin top for that matter, my belly was fat but i could suck it in and play it off, i didn't have back fat either. post pregnancy all that changed my stomach sags no matter how much weight i loose stretch marks all over it and even on my vag(tmi sorry). my boobs hang way low (do your boobs hang low do they wobble to the floor can you tie them in a knot can you tie them in a bow) they're like empty sacks, and my skin can't hold together like it used to.
then i got pregnant and gained a shit load of weight. i started as a pregnant woman who said i only need to eat enough nutrients not food for two, then that kinda morphed into a constantly empty stomach and eating for like 20 people. I gained like 70lbs during my pregnancy.

the belly during pregnancy you see those stretch marks?

After giving birth i was breast feeding and still eating for 20 saying it's ok i gotta make the milk. however after i weaned my kid off in january 2008 (yeah it was to early in my eyes i wanted to go 6 months but mini me decided she should get teeth at 3.5 months and laugh after she bit the shit outta my nipple and i screamed so she lost that privilige) that's when i weighed myself the first time i was weighing 118kg whaat that's when i kinda just started eating less cutting out the junk food and juices. so i lost some weight by summer 2008 i was weighing 109kg. I think i was just trying to get back to my high school weight. then i kinda plateaued and started eating again because i'd ordered some diet pills and was waiting for them to get in before i got "serious again"
somewhere along the line i bought a scale in the fall because i think it was cold. when i stepped on the scale again i was at 115kg and i was shocked like what the hell happened? so then i just started purging my food. which was hard i had to train myself because no matter how far i stuck my hand or toothbrush down my throat i couldn't do it so it started with me just heaving until it came up. until eventually i started using my banana clip. i lost a bit of weight restricted my food to like 500 cals a day. i remember the loss of control again on halloween 2008 i got really drunk passed out in the club had to go into their infirmary got vomit all over my wig just a bad party night and what made it worse it was the first time to a club since the birth of my daughter. needless to stay i started gorging myself again, then thanksgiving came and my parents went all out and also invited people to a potluck ughhh. the next time i stepped on my scale i was 122kg. 2009 was basically a year of attempting weight loss, kinda restricting going up and down in weight. then i met a chicky and we kinda talked about weight loss and i got super motivated. i was helping out in my parents store and my mom would be there and i'd ask to borrow her car under the pretense of buying diapers and go home to my house and purge lunch. i think when i started the blog i was in the lower in the upper 80's i'm not quite sure.
yeah so i used to do good in order to get where i am now. but i've been straying.

Now I see fat people and I think get with the program but then I think well I'm fat and trying maybe they are to. However when I see a fat person gorging themselves I'm disgusted. You are not trying by eatin 3 heaping plates at the chinese buffet because you'd be to ashamed to do it in public. I'm also jealous to be honest. It's impossible for me to have such a relationship with food to where i don't care about what i consume anymore. Also sometimes I see fashion indiscretions (I'm talking about skirts to short or shirts to tight) made by fat people and I'm like OMG that's disgusting looking I used to walk around like that how could I and think i looked great. talk about the mirror being a lying bastard.
I see skinny girls and where I used to think I'd love to be that size I think wow great but i wanna be smaller, her thighs are a bit to fat for me to pull it off but looks great on her, look at the muffin top it's cute on her but i couldn't pull it off that's for sure.
I've entered the you can never be to thin mentality. Now I just need to back that shit up with actions
i'd love to post older pics but i have to scan them first and i don't have a scanner maybe i'll take some pics of the pics once mini me is in bed and post them later.
sorry i've been posting a lot lately...i have no life but it's also to make up for the possibility that once i start working again i won't be posting for a while. because i haven't been used to that lifestyle in a loooooooooooong time

omg

i don't know why but i just binged on a lot of bread
i need to purge like it's so bad i'm shaking right now but i can't mini-me is in there brushing her teeth. i love that she's so cleanly but hell momma needs to regurgitate. aaaahhhh
i didn't want to do that today but i leave this crap in i don't know what i'll do freak out maybe be an angry heifer all day something
aaahhhhhh must purge i'm so tempted to grab the trash can and go close the door in my room and go at it
never done that before but desperate times call for desperate measures. i will be leaving the house today and buying the stuff i forgot about yesterday mostly because i need the exercise all the stores are in walking distance and although i can't walk at my preferred speed (power walk i hate walking slow) since i got mini me tagging along it's movement which i need. ughhh. a friend offered to come by and drive me to do the shopping but she's sick like me and i didn't want to say it but i don't want her getting mini me sick, not everyone is willing to "embarrass" themselves and wear a face mask in public.

why can i not control my binging. where is my trigger i can't find it. i'm not hungry, i'm not craving, i don't have an appetite but i still feel the need to stuff myself until it feels like my stomach will explode and shit is being pushed out (gross sounding i know)
i've tried all the tricks i know to keep from binging but they don't work there's a monster in there pushing me.
maybe someone should pray for me...but then again that would be wrong i don't really believe in religion. i'm spiritual yes but organized religions don't work for me. however if you believe that's awesome i actually admire your ability to have faith in something regardless of how many holes people will try to poke in it to make you loose that faith. however if your faith makes you unhappy (i'm talking about the faith not the fellow faithful ones) it's probably time to evaluate...wow i just went off on a tangent sorry. ok blogging ain't helping it's gotta come out fuck swollen throat, kid in bathroom, etc.
be stronger than me
MUAH

Good Morning

yeah so I stepped on the scale today. GOOD IDEA. It's ugly but it's the truth that I needed to see. I've been binging and purging but it's obviously not doing me any good. why? because my throat's so freaking swollen that one i can barely get my fingers in and two stuff has a hard time coming back out. i think i won't leave the house today i have a feeling that if i do go out and go buy the stuff i forget yesterday i'll buy binging foods and that's a bad idea. i'm still wanting some ice cream. i can't purge until i'm better, and i know i should purge again never. but that's not much of an option i lack that will power once i get my restrictive will power back i know i can kick that habit because i won't need it anymore.
Lola thanks for the translation i know my fahja will want to know what it is and the well wishes
Fading Figure thanks for the kick in the ass and following me i'll be reading your blog shortly

oh yeah my weight...I got three different weights everytime I stepped on and since it went up each time i chickened out and stopped at the third try
169.3lbs (76.8kg)
169.5lbs (76.9kg)
169.99lbs (77.1kg)
all three are gross

Wow

it's seriously almost the end of the year. right now on tv they are showing the top 50 songs of the year over here.
i don't know how to look at this past year. it's not ending on the best foot considering my weight. i'm seriously thinking about getting my parents to fund me a gym membership for christmas. with mini-me starting day care it won't be impossible.
oh at the docs i found out i have angina (or however it's spelled that's the german name no clue what it is in english) anyway i'm contagious for another half a week.
face mask do me proud. and yes i did wear it out the house today. some people looked at me with pity thinking i probably had like something really serious.
so i'm taking antibiotics and i'm still enjoying great binging and purging. i want ice cream. i think the cold will feel good on my throat. murr
anyway just felt like updating
stay strong
muah

I'm bored

so back at random anorexics and they posted a link to the Starbucks Oracle
My drink is a Tall Chai Tea Latte with Soy Milk and this is what it told me about myself
Personality type: Hippie

In addition to being a hippie, you are a hypochondriac and a health nut. You secretly think that your insistence on only consuming all-natural products is because you're so intelligent and well-informed; it's actually because you're a sucker. You've dabbled in Wicca or other pseudo-religions that attract morons and have changed your sexual orientation a few times this year. You probably live in California. Everyone who drinks tall chai tea latte with soy milk should be forced to eat a McDonald's bacon cheeseburger.

Also drinks: Beverages with lots of marketing that says they're herbal and organic
Can also be found at: Whole Foods, indoor rock climbing facilities

so cruel trying to force me to eat a bacon cheeseburger

da di da di daaa

so i'm def going to the doctor today. i can't swallow. and i don't mean it just hurts to swallow but i'm freaking scared to drink something because of the swallowing.
oh yeah do the running man, do the cabbage patch, break it down old school style.
i mean it fucking sucks don't get me wrong but not being able to consume things is just what the doctor ana ordered. Forced fasting which I know is totally cheating, it's not having any control but hell i'm hoping for the jump start. I'm gonna stay off the scale until after i get better just because i know i'm fat and my stomach is still cramping up. maybe it just needs no food for a while to feel better. i bet you that's what it is. the christmas holidays are scaring the shit out of me right now.

i can't wait till my kid goes to day care i'll have to do like a 20minute walk just to get there from my house because the bus doesn't go there. according to google maps it's a 1.1 mi walk. AWESOME
ok i gotta go call the doc
oh and thank you for your comments i love all of you guys and i don't know why i get so busy i can't post because i actually miss you guys

sooo

i know been posting like crazy however call it making up for all the time i didn't

so when i hear "have you lost weight" i get angry. it's like yeah muthafucka i lost weight i lost a shit load of weight, according to the numbers anyway. but then it strengthens my resolve because if you have to ask then obviously it's not enough.
i'm just saying
i know it's random but my throat is killing me and i hear something like an echo from any noise making it hard to sleep and this just came to me.
it's like a white noise echo.
a normal echo goes
ECHO
echo

mines is like
ECHO
krrrrrrshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (pretend you're hearing that noise but it sounds like it's saying echo...if that makes sense)

yeah super weird don't know what's going on but def going to the doctor i'm fucking contagious. my besty has this (she had it first) and now mia-girly has it (don't know when she got the symptoms) and those are the 2 people i spent most of my time with this past week and a half they are both on antibiotics, i hate meds, give me over the counter shit that'll help me DESTROY my body not that some pharmaceutical company wants me to take to make me "better". fucking great man. i've been sick way to much lately. if i had been good on following ana's orders i'd be like yeah i understand but this, this is just fucking ridiculous.

3rd post for the day what's really going on...

sorry guys (and the ones you're following) i'm like spamming your recently updated box
so yeah major b/p session in the happening. i don't even want to stop. i should my throat is screaming bloody murder but it's just a virgin scared of its second time. you know sex isn't perfect the first time (first few times or ever) either. so shut up bitch i will purgically rape you (i hope i offend no rape victims because in no way do i approve of that sick shit)

warning warning non-ed related could potentially bore your socks off since its about my kid

so i got super duper good news i got another day care spot at a closer day care that also does bilingual shit so the kids also learn english (which very beneficial since grandpa's german is going to teach my mini-me bad grammar, so let's keep it in his lingo although its very nice how hard he tries even if we've told him to speak english to her so she can learn it. the doc told me one language a person i chose german duh we're in germany tangent tangent sorry) plus i really like the way they feed the kids, they make everything themselves (even the bread), meat only once a week, and everything organic. i love it. i can't really afford organic food but i'm all about my kid eating healthy because honestly i don't want her to be an obese kid suffering because she ate wrong in her youth. also she doesn't have to be fully potty trained like at the other one because we are having a battle of the wills however we're getting there and this is going to sound kind of pathetic but i had to bribe her ass with food. yes it contradicts everything i said before about healthy non-obese kid but i got tired of her peeing on my floor and although i see nothing wrong with a deserved spanking i'm not going to beat my kid onto the potty. sorry she gets spankings for things like climbing on my glass table (it could shatter and impale and kill/maim/seriously hurt her), touching the stove while on (i have enough burn scars she doesn't need any), not for peeing on my floor that evokes a yelling banshee out of me because at some point its just enough. sorry for the parenting tangent but i'm happy about my luck with day care. which it really is full time at least until 6pm in the evening meaning i could get a real job somewhere not just a job that is for 2 hours. i could get a 9-5 woot woot...oh i'm celebrating i have to find one of those first huh? damn recession.

post frenzy & get tested

i'm reading through randomanorexics.com and they posted this video

so funny
"if you have anorexic"
bwahahahahaha

so here's to knowingly being a dumb ass

so yesterday my friend came over (remember mia-girly i mentioned when i was in the hospital? well we are friends). we had a binging session but didn't do the do, the it, the thing, the purge. so feeling guilty this morning i finished of the rest of the chips in the bowl and half of the other one i'd bought and purged. kind of like making up for not doing it last night. i just had this need to purge. i have a sore throat remember? but if punishment isn't painful what's the point?
so yeah as i'm going in for the purge i realize damn it my throats fucking swollen and i could barely get my fingers in. (oh i'm thinking of deflowering here, the pervy mind is working) and i have to ease into a purge...never done that before. so yeah the actual coming up actually doesn't hurt that bad and i'm going and going and then a blood and chips combo. damn it this virginized throat couldn't handle the hand. i really don't think it's the typical blood in vomit i think i scratched my throat in the process. damn it. well i got most of it out and feeling a lot better. but i don't think there'll be much eating going on today which is a good thing. swallowing hurts like a bitch. mostly liquids i'm thinking...hoping.

(yeah i rock a face mask when i'm sick)

sick dumb ass signing off
stay strong
muah

food porn soooo cute

ok so you've been warned it's a japanese pudding commercial but i think the son is so kawaii that i decided to make it my ringtone


oh and the gender freak out is more because i don't want my kid to feel like she can't be what she wants so i'm probably overreacting. i just don't want my kid to feel pressure into being something she doesn't want to be. granted my sexuality i never had a problem with since i'm straight but as far as scholastically and what i want to be there's always been immense pressure to please the elders. i was expected to go into politics (seriously i was a politics nerd all through high school) and i lived up to that until i moved from germany to the states to study and my depression hit really hard and somewhere i just decided i'd go from being the great hope of the fam to the black sheep, returned to germany and everything kinda spiraled down from there...anyway, thanks Honor for your comment!!!
Pudi Pudi Pudi Pudi Pudi Pudi

well well well

so i might have to postpone the potatoe diet but for a good reason, i have major sore throat which i kinda soothed with some tea right now but i can taste tlhat cold taste in the back of my throat. i hope it's so bad consumption of food will be extremely painful. my besty just had this cold it started the day she returned home and she lost like 3 kg in the past days from extreme sweating and lack of food consumption. she was like i'm 50.something kg right now. i'm like aww it'll come back don't worry. she knows my issues with food but she doesn't know how bad it is for me. in my head i was like (you lucky bitch and you want to gain weight, i wish i was there, i wish i had the luxury to wish for more weight). she doesn't know how triggering such low numbers can be for me, and she won't because i'm loving the motivation.
ok i know this is sick but sometimes when i eat foods i wish for food poisoning. i hope that something went wrong in the production and it's gone bad. i leave things out of the fridge to long on purpose (obviously only food that my mini-me doesn't consume). I know that's pretty sick. if i do have a boiled egg i'll purposely leave it undercooked just a bit in hopes maybe something to make me sick survives. Yeah I know this is totally the most retarded shit ever. But I never claimed to be sane. I know food poisoning isn't a joke, I mean I've never had it but plenty people I know have. truth be told i'm jealous of them. i feel really bad for them and wish i could transfer it to me, but not because i don't want them to suffer but because i want me to suffer.

ok this is sorta non related maybe some fellow parentals or people with the experience can help me out. sometime mini me comes to me and says she's a boy. i know sometimes she's just being silly because she'll say she's a girl but i don't know maybe she does feel like a boy. i don't wish transgenderedness (is that a word?) on my kid because i know people who do have it often have to go through great emotional pains but if that's how she feels i don't want to be like NOOOO YOU'RE A GIRL. i mean right now i'm like i thought you were a girl, this morning she replied no i'm a boy. i don't really know if i should write this off as 3 year old sillyness or what, because if she does feel that way i want her to feel the freedom to be who she is. am i overanalysing this because my parents didn't believe me about my depression when i was like 11 or 12 and wanted help. murrr...life is friggin hard man. i just want to skip through it all carefree. i know everyone has problems but all the peoples on facebook that i went to school with seem so content on the surface with their college degrees, husband/wives, traveling the world, and awesome paying jobs. here i am single mom (from a one-night stand they don't know that of course), living off welfare, shit load of debt, a stint in a mental hospital which my mom blabbed all over facebook and the world...i know it doesn't make me less of a person but does logic really win? if i was all about the logic food wouldn't control 99% of my thoughts, the number on the scale wouldn't be holy, and the toilet wouldn't be my homeboy....urghhh sorry guys i'm a bit frustrated.

well on to continue catching up on blogs, which i'm so late on sorry guys. even if i don't comment i promise i actually do read all your posts even if it takes me forever to catch up. i don't skip shit. i read every word, it's just sometimes my literary akwardness keeps me from posting comments.
after i'm done catching up on you guys i'm going to read at Random Anorexics which I read about on Honor's blog. apparently there's some beef with fatties and i'm bent on finding it. i love drama, that's why i watch reality shows ^_^
Well Stay strong
muah
and i hope to update more once again

bad girl dylphe bad

ok so i'm scolding myself because
1. I have not posted in FOREVER
and
2. because i'm a fat glutton
I weighed myself at 75.5kg yesterday which is surprising because omg i've been the binge-monster come to life this past week and this week so far. anyway so since saturday night i've been feeling constipated and bloaty. in a bad way. sunday i couldn't even get up with out my whole lower body cramping up even peeing felt horrid. (i was not being the hostess with the mostest for my bestie, I bow down in apology (-_-) n(__)n) (TMI? i'm sorry but you know i like to keep it real lol) i'm still in pain. i haven't taken laxies in about 2 weeks so i don't know will 2 weeks of laxies do that to you? i don't know. well anyway monday i went to the pharmacy and told the lady i need some laxitives. this time it was for my actual ailment (ok weight loss is one too but you guys know what i mean) and she's like you just want something for one time that takes care of it quick, and i'm like yeah. so what do i get? oh the kind you stick up your butt. so i pushed it off all day but once mini me was in bed i went for it. it actually burned in my ass. worked immediatly and was no help at all. i'm not fucking with them any more. it's like giving my ass a temporary std. so yeah to this day i am still suffering and i've been eating like a pig thinking maybe if i put something in the top it'll like push that shit out. but no didn't work. so i'm not getting on the scale until this issue has been resolved.
so now i'm done with gorging my already bloaty constipated (hopefully no intestinal infection) ass. Starting tomorrow I'm doing the potatoe diet. Nothing but potatoes, seasonings, teas and MAYBE water. I loathe water I don't like the taste. don't come at me with the it has no taste. yes that fucker does have taste and me no likey. however i go through phases where i'm loving the H2O and where i'm hating it. i'm hoping for a loving it kinda vibe. i don't know how long i'm going to do it because if i say i'm doing it for a week i'll only do it tomorrow morning. i have to trick myself into thinking there are no rules. i've been feeling very anti-authority lately.

yeah so some of you may be hoping for update on the crazy party night. well at the club it was fun dancing and drinking until the blackouts. my friend told me i disappeared for an hour and a half and until last wednesday it was a complete mystery. because i sure as hell didn't (still don't) remember what happened. well anyway i get a call wednesday on my cell and the dude is like yeah did you lose your id. i'm like idk are you trying to get in touch with my friend (i'm thinking it's one of her friends who got my number because her phone had died). well anyway turns out i was the one. i was like i don't know i haven't needed it since then. he was like well you left it in my car. i'm like what when did that happen. he's like do you always get in cars with strange men. i'm like not normally i was pretty drunk quite a few black outs. he was like yeah we rode around in my car for like an hour and a half. *DING*DING*DING* missing hour and a half has returned not in my memory but we now know what happened. well needless to say thursday he drove all the way from the next city over (about 40 mins since it was evening) just to drop it off to me. yeah pretty cool. turns out i told him my life story and promised to cook for him. akward. well doesn't matter my friend was there at least. i don't plan on having any more contact with this guy because he's not my type. so if he wants to meet up hang out he's got my number. i don't call people. and that's not to sound stuck up but i really don't call people. i only call my mother, my besty and when i'm feeling really talkative my grandparents. oh yeah and i asked guy and there was apparently no sex. i don't think he would have lied about it, he seems like the guy who thinks that with stories like that sharing is caring.
enough on that
mini me finally has day care starting tomorrow we're going for short periods of time to get her used to it. i don't know how long that goes and then next year she'll go full time. can you believe how fast this year has gone by? this was supposed to be my year to get shit started and i guess i did. but wait where is my prince charming? where's the guy who'll hold me everynight? i guess 2010 into 2011 no kiss for me once again. it's ok it's not the end of the year quite yet.
ok sorry for the jumble of info but i really felt the need to share.
here's to me being strong on the potatoe diet
STAY STRONG
MUAH
oh and one new follower...THANK YOU