Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Ughhhhhhh


My weight went up. I'm at 166.7lbs (75.6kg) I mean we're talking about grams here but still not cool. Mia has failed me again. I'm glad.
Monday if I leave the house I'm buying laxitives. I was thinking of ordering some online from the UK on ebay because I just have the feeling German ones are just not as strong. I don't know but I feel weird going into the Pharmacy and saying something like "yo give me the strongest laxies you guys got!!!" I just feel like I haven't been shitting like I need to I want to empty my bowels out a bit. I know I could do a saltwater flush but the last time I did that I was in the bathroom for like 2 hours. I kid you not. That shit was painful and I was scared to go to sleep. What does it look like for a grown ass woman shitting herself in her sleep. Peeing would be bad enough.
So on a side note. I've been writing with this guy online who seems to be my type. Well anyway so today he tells me he's a cook. This is freaking me out. It's not even at a point where we're talking about meeting but the fact that he's a cook freaks me out. I already want to sabotage it before it even has any potential to get headed in that direction. This is why I'm still single. I'll always do or say something to make me seem undesirable (as if weight and a pregnancy deformed body wasn't enough). I'm going to wait on answering him. Get over this seemingly silly freak out. I couldn't find my Aerobics DVD so today I'm going to look on free videos online or podcasts or something. If I find anything I'll make sure to post it.
Stay Strong
MUAH

gotta love the military

and not just because i was a brat
http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/fit-for-duty/id271268914
there's a bunch of free exercise videos. as soon as mini me takes her nap it's on

Saturday, November 6, 2010

comfort

in Mia's arms....I shake my head. I'm disappointed. Me and my besty were talking and she was like you need an electric shocker on your toilet and I was like yeah it'll be like "Oh she's getting on her knees" AAAAAAAHHHH
yeah that would be awesome. Let's bring shock therapy back. I'm not leaving the house tomorrow so I'm hoping for a more restriction. If I could hold out one day I know I can truly leave Mia behind. As much as I like going out and doing stuff with friends, it makes me break my routines and return to Mia in an attempt to make it ok.
Ok I would just like to point out that I don't think Ana and Mia are real it's just personifying them makes it easier to explain my feelings toward my disordered eating. I still don't want to say ED because I'm not certified in that. I'm not diagnosed and so I don't feel the right to label myself bulimic or anorexic or EDNOS for that matter.
yeah so anyway not much to report I'm thinking of breaking out my step-aerobics dvd tonight but my body is kinda weak from the purging still.
a pic of my collar bones my only pride (somewhat) at the moment














gimme lung cancer j/k

Weight

<---Invisible Cake just what I need to eat!!! (^_^)
So this morning my weight is at 165.6lbs (75.1kg) which is great because who doesn't appreciate the loss but after the 3 b/p sessions last night it just encourages that. I had another one after my post last night. Which is not good. It's like I leave Mia because she breaks her loss promises and then when I return for some reason or another she keeps her promise and lures me back in. I just want to say FUCK YOU. It's truly a love hate relationship with her.
I wonder am I the only one but I feel a sense of pride in my disordered eating. I don't want anyone to have these issues please believe. I wish it on no one and hope no one gets started, but somehow in my head I have this little voice telling me look what you can accomplish and na na na na na I've got a secret. When I actually pull through it makes me feel like I'm better than the non disordered. I know it's a totally sick way of looking at it because it bugs me that eating and consumption stays on my mind during all my waking hours. I plan on being strong when I go out of the house today and not buy any unnecessary foods. Only what I truly need. I want to try just living off liquids. Not a liquid fast though because I want to drink my soymilk shakes. So no true solids so to speak. Also I need to start exercising. I really do I have the DVD I don't really have any more excuses I've got room in my apartment. My Step Aerobics DVD and my stepper. I really want to start to. I'm just thinking of the extreme awesomeness of what my body will morph to with some exercise. When I was in the hospital since exercise was part of the therapy I looked a lot better my thighs were close to not touching I could feel my hip bones clearly when laying down. It was so comforting. So exercise makes a difference and I need to remember the great feeling afterwards. Plus it'll speed up weight loss. And the ultimate goal must be reached next year. I can't keep going back and forth. Plus there's a concert I'm going to next march (if everything works out) Girugamesh, and I need to look skinny. Japanese band, so yeah.
STAY STRONG
MUAH

Rammstein is on MTV right now had to think of you Lola hope you have the awesomest time at your concert in December

Friday, November 5, 2010

FAIL Ana, make Mia PROUD

OH man total failure. I wanted to leave Mia behind but somehow today I made a U-Turn and hauled myself right back into her arms. It started off good today. I had a liter of tea. Then somehow I ate bread with margarine and tomato. However I failed because I didn't weigh everything out. So I decided at that point, I just won't eat anything else and somehow everything will work out for today. It won't be over 400cals. However I had to go pick up a package from the post office today and well there was a bakery in the shopping center. I wanted to get mini-me a Pretzel but then I saw all the sweet goods in the display case and somehow Mia was whispering in my ear. "It's ok Dylphe just a bit and it can all come back up." I argued with her and had I not had that slow ass lady in front of me I might have resisted but it was enough time for her to convince me to go ahead and get 3 of this and 5 of that and 1 of those. I don't want to say what it was because I just feel like it might be to triggering.
And Lola yeah I totally understand the Döner obsession. I'm glad I didn't come past a shop on the way home because since I already decided to binge there would have been no holding me back.
This is the sickest thing ever. This is why I don't like leaving the house. Kinda like in Skins when chicky says to Cassie "You want to go outside? There's food out there!!!" My sentiments exactly. I hate this. I wanted to say bye bye to Mia, I never wanted to see her again. I did well for two weeks. A record really. Can I do it again? I don't know. I have to leave the house again tomorrow, I have to buy a house phone since I still haven't found mine. God I hate this shit. I hate it, I hate it. I just want to restrict. I want to say tomorrow's another day but that's not good enough. That's like making what I did today ok. Which it wasn't. I think I vomited some blood to.. There was some red in there and I didn't eat anything red. Except for the tomatoes this morning but I doubt they'd still be in there after 8-9 hours. It's not the first time I've seen red in my vomit, however I always told myself it must have been something I ate. I can't ignore it anymore. I need to scare myself off of this habit. I have a daughter to live for, the reason I went into the psych ward earlier this year. I cannot die because I vomited. Seriously. That is just retarded. (you know what i mean)


Avani I wish I would've read your comment before the binge it probably would have stopped me but I binged then got on the computer

Restart once again

WARNING THERE WILL BE A FOOD PICTURE POSTED SO IF IT TRIGGERS I'M SORRY. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!!!!

Yeah I totally got off track with Halloween. It's rather ridiculous. Before I get into the Halloween part I'm posting the regular.

An incredible weight gain. I am this morning at 168.9lbs (76.6kg). WTF right? No not what the fuck, it's you deserve this shit fatty. Eating over a 1000 cals these past few days, not drinking enough liquids. All because you fucked up on sunday night coming back from the club...more on that later.
My thing is that I have to follow a certain routine every day in order to be completely successful. I know what works for me and I need to do that every day. The problem is when I stray and I can't follow this routine I get off track. It starts with leaving one thing off the list and ends with me eating to much shit. I mean really my routine is not that hard to follow. It's quite simple really.
Morning:
1L of tea










Lunch:
Food or Soy Shake
Dinner:
1L of tea or something liquid
Sleep

I mean is that really that hard? I didn't think so. But I stray, or better yet strayed. I'll just have to plan any discrepancies in way ahead of time so I can make the proper adjustments.

So Halloween it was AWESOME, on the party front. I drank plenty of Vodka Energy and Cosmos. Honestly I don't even want to know the calorie count. I was drunk but at least the night didn't end like the last time I drank with my whole hand down my throat and my besty there to witness.
Well I ended up once again admitting to Ana. But I did try to explain (I was drunk though) how Ana is much better than Mia. I told one of my friends that I wish I was as thin as her (she's underweight stick thin and wants to gain), and she was like No you are great at the size you are blah blah blah. I was just thinking in my head I love you and all but bitch you're not the one looking like a whale in every picture we take together.
So anyway this is where the night went wrong on the way back from the club we stopped and had Döners.








I'm including a picture so it could be triggering.
Me being drunk I'm walking around with all this meat and yogurt sauce talking about "Guys the funny thing is I'm actually vegan". I do lots of stupid shit when I'm drunk. People think I'm retarded sober? catch me drunk.
So I ate all that crap on the drunk munchies. I hate drunk munchies.
Then once we get back we go to this dudes house (my besty's neighbor) and watch youtube videos. Angry black man at walmart. which really wasn't that funny sober the next day. Anyway so dude passes around a j. I'm not sure if it was green or brown. Either way without thinking I smoked. I know I never should have again but on one hand I'm glad I did. It showed me, I don't want it anymore. It wasn't all that great. I just had killer cotton mouth and nothing to drink. Maybe I should have smoked it before I ate because it's still an appetite killer which on that end does make it appealing to me. Yeah but that Döner is what sent me on a downwards path of eating these past few days. It seems so simple you fuck up and then you fix it the next day. But my whole routine got fucked. I hate that I need to do the same shit every day.
In other news...there aren't any really I'm getting back on track.
I have a new follower. yay. thank you. I'm actually reading through your blog now.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

urrrgh

So morning weight was 161.8lbs (73.4kg). As predicted the weight went up.
As far as food intake I feel like a glutton.
Chai Tea Latte (Tall)~ 170cals
Rice Tofu Stuff already prepackaged (250g)~ 576cals
Coke Zero~ 0cals
Total~ 746cals

Today wasn't a lack of control even if I feel like it. I'm going to be drinking tomorrow so I want to get my body used to extra calories. I'm going to a halloween party tomorrow. I'm so excited Halloween is awesome. Depending on how fat I look I'll post pictures.
I did a lot of walking today though so hopefully I burned a lot of calories. I went to a trade show.

Stay strong
muah

Friday, October 29, 2010

And Today...

watched two interesting documentaries
Why Are Thin People Not Fat
How To Be Slim

hope the links work if not I found them on the YouTube Channel from annawillpower.

Today I ate

Bread(35g)~75.25cals
w/Margarine(9g)~ 56.7cals
&Tomato(65g)~ 12cals
Total~ 143.95cals

Soy-Rice Milk(500mL)~235cals
w/Raspberries(100g)~33cals
Total~ 268cals

Coke Zero~ 0cals

Grand Total~411.95

Why does that number look huge to me?
I feel like I only should've had the shake.
Going to be walking around a lot tomorrow so here's to burning calories.
I have a feeling my weight will have gone up...I can't seem to shit must remember to put flaxseeds in my shake tomorrow!!!

oh yeah

Weight on my untrustworthy scale 160.9lbs (73kg).
That makes me happy. I think I'll stick to this scale until I hit my UGW and then if my scale is to low it'll be less of a hit to my motivation. In the back of my mind I know it's probably wrong but right now I need this drop in weight to keep me going. Psychological tricks against myself. Although I do want certainty but I just can't afford certainty right now.
I drank more yesterday and didn't eat bread or anything. I think I'll leave bread, rice, and potatoes out of my evening diet. Or I'll just stick to liquids, soy shakes, and salads.
Anyway off to a new day.
Stay Strong
MUAH

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Food and Weight

This morning my weight was 74.4kg so a slight increase. I'm going to blame it on the tiny amount of liquids I consumed yesterday be angry and get over it.
Today I had
254g of Pineapple~ 127cals (glad I reweighed it because the packaging said 240g)
Coke Zero~0 cals
Soy-Rice Milk (250ml 117.5cals) & Blueberries (65g 20.8cals)~ 138.3 cals
Salad with Lettuce (20g 3cals), Tomatoes (71g 13cals), Tofu (98g 117.6cals) and salt, pepper and vinegar (0 cals)~133.6cals
Total 398.9 cals consumed

I'm done for the day...should I fuck up I'll post a new entry
Stay Strong
MUAH

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Intake (will get edited should anything else be consumed)

2 pieces of chocolate turns out only~ 44 cals
Bread (165.7) with Soy Margerine (50.4) with Lettuce (6)~ 222.1 cals
Coke Zero~ 0

Total so far~ 266.1

Maybe I'm weird but even if I'm careful of counting all the cals separate like in the sandwich I'm always paranoid that by them combining the total cal count will go up higher like by combining more cals are created...I'm seriously thinking of separating everything in the future to not let my food touch. If someone could convince me that it's not the case please do so...on one side I feel crazy but on the other it feels logical

First Dizzy Spell

Aside from 2 pieces of chocolate (60 cals<--waste of cals seriously) and a bit of coke zero i've had nothing else today. So I'm following mini me to her room I get so dizzy i barely know where I am then i find the arm rest to the couch, sit and my body just jerks around a bit trying to find its center. WTF. Still I'm not hungry and I refuse to eat unless I am... Also I'm super proud I went grocery shopping today and only bought mini me's snacks and 2 bags of iceberg lettuce, pack of tomatoes, a cucumber, some bread and 2x 2L Coke Zero oh and Soy Milk light only 29cals for 100ml...AWESOME

New Weight

So I just took a shit (sorry for the TMI) and I was like ok let me weigh myself again, and then when I stepped on the scale it was all crooked and uneven so I evened it out with my Microwaves instructions book and low and behold 163.4lbs (74.1kg) whaat. I feel so much better and so much more motivated. However I now have doubts about my weight because I'm not sure as to how correct my scale actually is. I mean it stands evenly now and doesn't teeter totter from side to side, and I can't afford a new one. What I'll do is stick to the weight that's on there now and if I should have a surplus of money I'll buy a new scale.

Weight

@Lola, yeah I know I lost a kilo in a short time honestly I think it's water weight because today I stepped on the scale it was
165.1lbs (74.9kg) I'm actually a bit disappointed I was hoping for more but I honestly didn't drink enough yesterday.
Yesterday I had:
Chocolate
Soy-Rice/Raspberry Shake
Tea
A jar of baby food Apple Banana
495 cals total
I don't know I was expecting more but if this headache is anything to go by I know I'm not drinking enough. I need to drink more. I know this. It's hard. I hate living in Germany when it comes to no-cal drinks. Coke-Zero is all good but the added Caffeine keeps me from going to sleep at night. Murrrrrrrrrrrr
Well anyway it's time to get ready and start handling business. So much to do today. I have to get my meds from the pharmacy, hope they have them and I don't have to wait.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Weigh In

So this morning my weight is at
165.6lbs (75.1kg)
I am so happy. This reaffirms my restriction. Gives me strength to continue. Right now I'm just going to restrict, restrict, restrict, until the scale starts stalling a bit. Then I'll give myself a higher calorie day. I think for now staying under 500cals is the best choice for me. I'm going to ease myself into less and a possible fast. I think I'd just set myself up for failure if I tried to do a fast or something. I'm just getting out of a no-control/binge phase.
Yesterdays post helped with the no binging I was actually thinking of your comment Avani saying to post when a binge is coming on. It worked. Thanks
So guys my tea is done steeping
Stay Strong
MUAH

Monday, October 25, 2010

DON'T EAT

I'm trying hard not to eat. I feel hungry now. I need to embrace this feeling. I'm blogging right now so I don't go in the kitchen and look for something to eat. That would be dangerous.
NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!!
I don't ever want to binge again. I want to loose all the fat and excess weight. I want to be thin. I want visible bones. I want to be happy. I want to embrace this hunger and fall in love with it again. I'm just imagining that while I feel the hunger fat is being eaten up from my gut, back, thighs, arms, face, etc.

I just want everyone to know I'm still reading blogs I know I haven't been commenting much lately. I'm sorry it just seems that I can't seem to always find the right words in response to your blogs.

Supernatural is coming on so I'll say good-night and I'm going to sleep after wards. Can't eat while I sleep. And I'm going to enjoy this hungry feeling because it means I'm doing the right thing, I'm following the right path. I'm hoping to work my way to a fast. Of course I'm taking it slow I'm just getting my control back.
Bye Bye Mia, Hello Ana
Stay Strong
MUAH

Intake

Total Intake
Potatoes with Apple Red Cabbage~ 400cals (which is a guesstimate because I fried the potatoes with a bit of maple syrup and oil so I rounded up a bit)
Tea~ 30 cals
Chocolate~137cals
Total 567
yaay under 600 it's been so long since I've kept it so low. It's about damn time. I'm back to stay this time. I'm glad there won't be thanksgiving since fahja ain't here. Events like that make my control falter.
I actually put my food scale to use and weighed everything.
Threw my daughters dinner leftovers away (bread w/ cream cheese)
I got this blogger award for pro-ana blogs. It's awesome and I feel honored but I seriously wonder about their criteria.
Stay Strong
MUAH

おはよ

So my weight has gone down once more. This is so motivating.
Just got off the scale I'm 167.8lbs (76.1kg).
Yaay. Ok obviously this isn't my goal weight however I'm finally back on track.
I didn't update this weekend because I stayed at with my lovely grandparents at my moms house since they are returning home on tomorrow. Today I'll be spending more time with them and then that's it. However it's been not so hard controlling my eating, and I really hope it stays that way. Since I just woke up and my brain's still zombie-ish I don't know what to write anymore. I'm gonna make my tea.
Stay Strong
MUAH

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Renee Zellweger....

is freaking hot in Chicago.
I watched the movie last night and just had to post some pictures.










































































































Saturday, October 23, 2010

Scale is going doooooooown

i'm excited today I'm at 168.4lbs(76.4kg) which is exciting I know I wanted to count cals but since I was to lazy to cook I ordered out so I didn't know the cals I had a salad some bruschetta and some pizza for dinner. It was almost like a binge I felt bad but at the same time the scale didn't retaliate.
I started taking my meds again and please remind me as to why I ever stopped...total appetite killer. or maybe because i'm starting up again. my therapist ripped me a new one about not taking my meds. I don't like him to much anymore so i didn't tell him about mia also he didn't really ask me if i had anything to say.
anyway i've been doing good without her.
so my couch came yesterday...i even have to put that shit together. WTF are you serious?? so I didn't succeed because some of the pieces are to heavy for me to lift hold and get into the right spots to get the screws in so my grandpa is helping me today. i'll be sleeping at my moms house tonight with mini me because she's gone overnight and my grandparents are going back home tuesday and we just wanna spend some time together.
okay gotta go clean up a bit and drink my morning tea
stay strong
muah

Friday, October 22, 2010

A new day starts with a new layout

After so much drama with my stove I am now officially starting over.
Today is going to be a good day and not just because I'm finally getting my couch delivered.

So to the interesting part
Today's weight: 170.9lbs (77.5kg)
I wish it was lower but hey if I didn't I wouldn't be motivated. I don't really have any high cal foods in the house so I'm good. I'll be mostly drinking soy-rice milk with some fruit. I bought blue berries, strawberries and raspberries. I'm pretty excited. Food will probably be something along the lines of potatoes and veggies and maybe tofu. So plain but good.
Anything I eat today I plan on writing down so I can keep my eye on my calorie intake again.
Well I'm going to go make a liter of tea and then go on unpacking boxes and such.
Stay Strong
MUAH

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

My new ringtone

so i downloaded this bands called The Piass' music because i heard some of their stuff liked it. they happened to have a song called fat fetishism i set it as my ringtone then i was like well this song is awesome so i decided to look it up and well wow so fitting:

Oh very FAT go on eating forever
not satisfy a hunger
bound flabby breathe very feebly
go up and down the stairs

So FAT go on increase forever
can't stop gain weight
reveal the big belly
watching MTV on couch

Oh very FAT go on eating hard
not satisfy a glutton
eating and sleeping
don't have an ounce of do exercise

So FAT go on increase very hard
a miracle cell
can't even see my own genitals
without mirror

I am FAT I want to lose weight
but I want to eat

what should I do for lose weight

I know the grammar is a bit off however it's a japanese band, give them some slack.

A new day tomorrow so excited. still having problems with the oven on my stove but now i have to go finish my kitchen and living room.

100th Post

ok so this is post 100 which is the main reason why it has taken me so long to update this blog i wanted it to be special and not filled with whining.
i'm currently waiting to get in to see my shrink the question is how honest will i be about MIA hmmmmm... we'll see however this isn't what i want this blog to be about.
So on to the good things:
1. my stove is finally supposed to get hooked up today. it was delivered monday and the delivery boys couldn't hook it up because of a missing cable then they were supposed to send someone that day but they never came i call tuesday they can't make it happen until today. oh well it's happening today i'm happy because it means a complete kitchen finally yippee!!!!!!
2. i'm grabbing control by the neck and choking that bitch until she complies. i'm going to restart over and that means COMING SOON a new page layout and stuff my goals and stuff aren't changing however i need to change stuff around so i can get back to where i was when i first started this thing. now with my completed kitchen i don't have any more excuses. it's the first time i'm excited about grocery shopping in a long time because i can actually buy preparable stuff.
3. I was somewhere around 76 kg so no longer 78-79-80ish phew its coming together
4. Mia has lost some control over me i'm not binging recently

so many happy news but i know it's not luck it's iron willed control and i have to get it back and keep it. without mia and right now i'm walking away from her and i haven't so much as glanced back.

i might post tonight to update you guys on everything else but can't promise since i'm doing lots of unpacking because my couch is coming friday

Thursday, October 14, 2010

wow

my first binge free day in i don't know how long.
well today i had a salad
2 slices off a small pizza (24cm diameter)
3 pieces of bruschetta
1/4 pear
and that's it. whaaaaaat
i mean reading it it's a lot but seriously that's nothing compared to the past few weeks.
then this evening i reread my old blog entries filled with discipline and calorie counting. i'm going to regain those days. starting monday i'll have a full kitchen. only thing missing now is the stove. welcome back healthy food, good bye quick fixes. welcome food scale.
i'm excited.

murrr

so basically i still can't leave the b/p cycle. i always tell myself just do it, but I can't seem to just do it. why? i don't know. I don't even know when a binge is coming anymore I just get up and get a shitload of food. i can resist buying it now but i'll just look for anything i can find. it sucks ass cheeks seriously.
since it's morning now i hope to keep my discipline

Saturday, October 9, 2010

i wish


my friend made this of me...I wish I had that body, I think she used a funny pic of me b/c I look kinda disgusted maybe I'm looking at my fat self lol.

So I still can't control my binge and purges except today I planned to binge AND purge but it turned into just a binge. I couldn't purge. it wouldn't come up. i tried and tried chugged water like i was about to enter the desert for a few days without supplies. it just wouldn't come out. i stuck my hand so deep down my throat and nothing. just a bit of water. wtf. i'm glad i didn't have any vomit inducing agents because today i would have went for it. i'm seriously considering laxatives. but i can't get any until monday because here in germany everything is closed on sundays...dammit. i have some flax seed i know they are high cal but fuck it i'm about to drink them with some soy-rice milk tonight and probably all day tomorrow. it feels so disgusting to have this in me.

i need to stop this vicious cycle and i know for a fact that the only way to do that is to just stop. kinda like when i got tired of being a fat ass and just decided i was going to actually loose weight. nothing is going to happen until we start right?
i want to feel hungry again. i did so well during the day to. i turned down eating with my mom and grandparents. they didn't say anything my mom just bitched about how she had to eat food prepared with soy margarine instead of butter...bitch you know you didn't taste a difference...bitching to be bitching i tell ya. evening came and failure approached. i can even feel it taking over my life. i don't want to deal with people because i can't binge when i'm out.
i had a friend spend the night a few days ago i hated it. i couldn't do a b/p session. i mean looking back it makes me happy but still this is why it needs to go. getting out of eating is easier still because i'm not skinny so people are still like it's ok. well my grandpa was saying i need to eat but i just said i'm not hungry and my grandma said "if she doesn't want to she doesn't need to, let her do her thing she's been doing so well loosing weight" why do people think i lost weight? bitches i've gained weight and not an insignificant amount either.
i went to visit my besty yesterday it was awesome. she knows about my mia habits and i told her i wanted to get help, she's happy. she wanted me to stop always but she's the type who understands stopping ain't happening until the person wants it. i love her so much. i wish i actually lived near her i know i could stop with her help because she would totally kick my ass (not really but you know what i mean) and be on me because she'd know i'm trying to quit.
anyway sorry i haven't commented but i've been reading
love all you guys
stay strong
MUAH

Thursday, October 7, 2010

ok i need to clear something up about the 650

at the end it said 650 cals a week i meant women who twice a week eat only 650 cals a day are at a lower risk for breast cancer...sorry although 650 a week is something most of us strive for but realistically it's not healthy...yeah

thank you for your comments they made me feel a lot better!!! Love you guys

So through with that bitch

I'm referring to Mia. I know I enjoy a good purge like the next person but I've realized that she's got to get out of my life. At first it was just a control method. Eat and purge until I have my discipline. Then just to control the moments when I had to eat for the sake of others. Lately she's taken over. I binge binge binge and then purge purge purge. It's not even a matter of weight control anymore. Don't get me wrong I want to loose weight (which I've been a failure at), I just can't control it anymore. I go to bed and wake up with good intentions but I leave the house and go grocery shopping (unavoidable with a kid), and all the bullshit food wanders into my basket. I then proceed to check out, spend waaaay to much money, go home and binge and purge. I eat food designated for my kid (her treats) and purge it. Then the next day I have to go repeat that cycle because my kid obviously has to eat. It has not become a matter of weight but a matter of addiction. I am a failure.
Brittany I promised to do the thing with you for 6 weeks but I've completely failed. I am sorry.
So I just took the initiative and e-mailed a psychologist who not only specializes in my current issues but also eating disorders and I hope to get an appointment, which could take a while (waiting for a spot is like 6-12 months over here...I guess this city is filled with nuts). I want to leave Mia behind. It's funny because I love(d) her more than Ana. I want Ana back though. But when you constantly binge there's no room for Ana.
Mia also hasn't kept her promise, I'm creeping up on 80kg. Not cool.
I hope this guy can help me leave Mia behind. I had good times but I don't feel the same about her anymore, but I can't do it on my own.
I know I was supposed to take a few days off from here but I found what I needed quicker. So yeah I'm back.
Stay Strong
MUAH

EDIT: oh I saw on Tv today that women who strictly only eat 650 cals a week are at a lower risk for breast cancer. for any of you fellow germans/speakers/understanders I saw it on Punkt 12 so you might find it on the RTL website

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Food must be going out of style

because these past two days i've consumed it like it has been. i'm sure i consumed between 4000-5000 cals. and i haven't even purged. i feel like i'm sick of food however. hopefully tomorrow i can keep myself in check. i'm at the point where food disgusts me. now i just have to keep that attitude. my back is almost all the way better. tomorrow i'm going to attempt the step aerobics veideo. i would start tonight but my stomach hurts so bad and i feel so nauseous that i don't know how much i can move. i mean yeah i should probably go purge because i don't even want to know my weight when i step on my scale tomorrow. i'm guesstimating i've probably went back over 80kg. disgusting i know but maybe that's what i need right now. i think i need that shock right now to show me eating does nothing but get you fat. i can actually trace my exact descent into getting fatty again. allowing myself to partake in fatty foods at a bbq this summer. i think it was the second weekend in july. i know long time ago right? but when i get around certain people where i have to prove that i eat like a normal person i loose the discipline if i allow a little bit of leeway then i just overdo shit. i always overdo shit. seriously it's disgusting. i'm disgusting. food is disgusting.
it just turns into fat. i know i'm only eating because the additives in it. i miss weed maybe i'm eating to make up for it, idk. but it's not an excuse. i'm feeling so sick right now because of all the food that i don't even ever want to eat again. and if i do eat it'll be baby food. it's not solid and it's low cal. one glass is enough as well to get you full. if i eat i just need to think after every bite and wonder if i'm still even hungry. i need to only eat when i'm hungry and stop plotting and planning binges. i need to stop eating to the point where i feel i should purge. because right now i'd love to purge but i know i must really punish myself. feeling sick is my punishment. fat asses like me don't deserve to feel happiness.
you know what's funny even if a woman is bigger than me and i would feel like shit looking like she does, i feel that she is still pretty. i envy her for being able to carry her weight so well and wonder why i can't. however sometimes when i see girls smaller than me (not very hard) i'll envy them but still think to myself i wouldn't even be happy at that size a little bit smaller would be better....
and now it's is seriously time to stop whining. i know i've said it many times but this time it's. i'm swearing of junk food. i will be 100% vegan in my diet. no excuses. if i feel the need to binge they must me vegan too. however i hope to not binge anytime soon because, and this is something i should never forget FOOD IS DISGUSTING it is vile and it makes me FAT. food should never be consumed for my own pleasure but only to get "ignorant" people off my back, and even then only enough to satisfy them!!!
Seriously food has got to go, i should only really buy food for my little one. i should really just allow myself baby food and fruit and vegetables in raw form. i wish i had a kitchen already so i could make myself protein shakes.
oh well enough bitching
FUCK FOOD
stay strong
muah

Thursday, September 30, 2010

hair cut

yeah i got my hair cut today so here are the pics


Failed but suceeded in achieving my b/p dream

so i went for my mcd's binge...following could be triggering


3 big macs
2 cheeseburgers
1 veggie burger
1 L Coke Zero (oh yeah went no cal on the drink)
PUUUUUURRRRRGGGGGEEEE
so hard but you've never seen anyone with better posture purging

Avani promise to get you those names asap just the article is at my parents house so when i go back i'll make sure to get them for you!!!

exercise matters

ok i hate exercising...i loathe it or rather i loathe it until i'm doing it and have done it then i realize how great it makes me feel. however i look into the mirror and i realize god it is beyond necessary for me to work out. when i was in the hospital working out and walking was part of the therapy so although i didn't notice it too much then i notice now that all the hard work is gone. my thighs are constantly smooshed against one another. and in and after the hospital only the tops were touching. as soon as my back is better that step-aerobics dvd i bought is going to be used i swear it's got to i look into the mirror and all i see is BLOB...i mean i know i don't see myself how others do but let's be honest who cares how others see me it's more important how i see me and that is as a big fat blob. i'm getting my scale to my house today. which means yay and oh noooo. because now i can't run from my weight anymore, i can't binge and pretend like it didn't happen because my scale isn't around. which btw i binged yesterday...couldn't purge for obvious reasons. i have been dreaming of a mc d's purge all week. and i would be smart getting the food because i'd write it on paper and act like i don't know what's on there so it seems like i'm the one sent to get the food. then i'd go home and munch down on a disgusting amount of non-vegan "goodness" before i purge it all. it's almost like my ultimate binge dream at the moment. some people want to accomplish great things, i want to accomplish going to a mc donalds buy a shit load of food with out it looking like it's for me and then binge and purge. yeah i got that shit planned out. will i do it? i hope not. i mean i want to but as i've said my teeth, my hair, my heart all have the damage i thought i'd never get because I can quit when I want to, it's just a momentary thing until I get control over my eating habits. so sad so sad. however speaking of hair i'm getting it cut short today. it's going off. fuck it i need a new lease on life and all women know hair is the way to accomplish all your goals (^_^)
i haven't eaten today but it's only 10 in the morning i'm going to be kid less this morning all through my appointment and before, i'll have to go downtown and i hope i can resist mc donalds. because i live close now buying a shit load of food and purging wouldn't be that hard. i mean yeah my back will hate me but if the want gets to big i'm sure i'll say fuck my back it wouldn't be the first time i disregarded my health.
ok that's it here's to not binging and good hair
Stay Strong
MUAH

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Camel Toe vs. Moose Knuckle

why i want to loose weight...I feel like I have to remind myself:

I want to be healthy (contradiction considering my way of going about it? yes, but it sounds good)

Let's not kid ourselves about this world (unless you are blessed with a huge amount of self-confidence) this world is shallow and looks matter

Thin is in (ok maybe not so much anymore but I don't mind being outta style on this one)

Clothes look 10 million gazillion times better on a slim frame than a gigantic one

I'd rather have a camel toe than a moose knuckle



Sunday, September 26, 2010

More tips from german mags and newspapers

Why do I love my grandparents? because they are awesome and they always bring me many weight loss diet tips that they find newspapers and magazines they read and because typing on the computer means not eating I am willing to translate and share once again (and I apologize for any mistakes or crappy wording), but I won't follow everything and you probably won't either however I'm going to share them in full regardless. Also I refuse to take any responsibility. At your own (weights) risk. some even contradict each other and some are not useful to a restrictive diet but here goes:

Article 1
The Biggest Mistakes about Eating Habits
When it is hot, eat less
WRONG Our body cannot use surrounding heat as energy. To keep a normal body temperature constantly when it's hot your
body needs even more energy - sweating costs energy

Man needs Warm meals daily
WRONG There is no scientific proof for this. It's better to eat lukewarm: Food that is to hot raises the risk for esophogous
cancer.

Eating late at night causes weight gain
WRONG Weight gain or loss does not depend on the time of consumption but the total amount of energy consumed throughout
the day. Weight gain happens when you take in more calories than you use.

Eggs are unhealthy and raise cholesterol
WRONG chicken eggs are among the healthiest foods, they contain almost all important nutritional elements, They do contain
cholesterol but not the dangerous LDL-cholesterol

Alkohol helps digestion
WRONG Beer and High % Alcohol interrupt the Fat-Metabolism and slow down digestion

Fat makes you sick
WRONG According to studies active bigger people are healthier than weak skinny people. Important: More plant fats than animal fats.

(Red)Wine is good for your heart
ONLY HALF RIGHT Alcohol raises blood pressure- cause for Heart Disease and Heart Attacks. Only Red Wine contains Polyphenole that protect against it. However: Maximum 1 Glass a Day

Honey is good for Babies with colds
WRONG A bacteria in Honey can be life threatening for small children. So never sweeten teas for babies especially their first year with honey

Chocolate causes Acne
WRONG Cause for Acne are Acne-bacteria in the skin not chocolate

Vegetarians loose weight quicker
WRONG It doesn't matter whether you eat meat or not, but how many calories you take in. Many vegetarian foods have high calorie amounts i.e. Nuts, plant oils

Sweets do not contain vitamins
WRONG Marzipan and Nougat are filled with almonds and nuts so they have many vitamins especially Vitamin E and B6

Fresh bread causes stomach aches
WRONG This was told so people would use the old bread before the new bread

Brown Sugar is healthier than white sugar
WRONG Brown sugar barely differentiates itself from white sugar in its chemical roperties. Since brown sugar contains more water it is an excellent breeding ground for bacteria

Sweeteners make hungry
WRONG Sweeteners do not cause appetite, since they don't influence blood sugar or insulin levels that are responsible for a feeling of fullness

Mushrooms and Spinach should not be reheated
WRONG If kept in the fridge they can be reheated

Article 2
The biggest Diet Mistakes
Muesli makes slim
WRONG most Mueslis have to much sugar (added or fruit sugars) because of this it sometimes has more calories than sugar

Spicy spices burn fat
ONLY PARTIALLY RIGHT they heat the body and encourage blood spreading throughout the body but that does not raise fat burning to measurable levels

Margarine makes skinny
WRONG Although many improvements even light margarine has fat levels in the double digits (usually around 40%) therefore having a high calorie amount

Sex makes skinny
ONLY PARTIALLY RIGHT Sex raises activity and calorie usage but only minimally not comparable with jogging and biking

Butter makes skinny
WRONG Butter is almost completely made out of fat, and so has more calories than margarine. Even though a few shady studies have proven the opposite

Lemons loosen FAT
WRONG Lemon acid loosens fat only from surfaces (i.e. as a cleaner) but not in the body. Lemon juice diets don't have enough nutritional elements - DANGEROUS

Smoking makes Skinny
WRONG this legend started because many people gained weight once they quit but only because they changed their addiction to food

Weight loss by drinking tea
WRONG Tee is healthier (green tea protects from cancer) but doesn't cause weight loss. Unless you drink it unsweetened then it counts like water

Light products make light
WRONG They do often have less calories but they fill you up less so you eat more than if you ate the normal version making you gain weight

Sugar makes fat
ONLY PARTIALLY RIGHT sugar contains less calories than fat and is (in carb form) also in all grain products. Important is the amount consumed

Low-Carb diets work
WRONG diets with low-carbs (Atkins, South Beach) do show success in the beginnings. However latest after one year they stop working

Lots of small weights make skinny
WRONG for weight loss it doesn't matter if you eat 5 small meals or 3 large meals but the total amount of calories consumed

Eat half is the easiest
WRONG this method is easy but over a long period time it raises weight. You don't get enough vitamins or fiber

One cold glass before eating
WRONG Although the body needs energy to heat the water up but at 0.5 Liters Ice Water it's only 15 calories which is equal to half a cube of sugar

Fasting detoxifies and causes weight loss
WRONG You loose weight quickly in the beginning due to loss of water weight, later you are missing fats and protein - very unhealthy and over long term make fat

Pineapple stops fat
WRONG The enzymes in pineapple that are supposed to stop that don't work in your intestines. Therefore fat uptake is not changed or lessened

Sport makes fat disappear
WRONG Although it tones but 30 minutes of jogging only burns about the amount in a chocolate candy bar. More important: eat less

Article 3
Think yourself thin
*okay I'm not going to translate the whole article I'm just going to write out the main points*
1. How money influences weight
A study done by Eric A. Finkelstein with 200 overweight people included 3 groups of people. Group 1 got no money to loose weight, Group 2 got $7 per Kilo lost and Group 3 got $14. The group that got the most money per Kilo lost the most weight. This study basically showed that whether real or imagined if what your working for has a reward Dopamin is released. The more we think of it the more Dopamin is release and the higher the motivation is.
2. Why mirrors change our figures
People who want to loose weight should think of their mirror image. At the University of Connecticut showed that participants in a study that had a mirror hanging next to their fridge lost 20 lbs after several weeks while the group that didn't only lost 10 lbs
3. Why thinking can make you full
When you are hungry and think back to your last meal it will lower your appetite about 25%. A study at Birmingham University split up 47 female students into two groups. Women in the first group were told go through their whole day in their mind while the second group was told to think of their last meal. After wards they passed cookies out and the group that thought about their last meal ate 25% less cookies than the first group. Also the longer the meal had already passed, the stronger the detailed thoughts lowered the appetite.
4. How we loose weight in our sleep
Due to a coincidence a study at the Walter Reed Army Meidcal Center came to the conclusion that who thinks of getting enough sleep (7-8 hours a night) looses weight automatically. What they wanted to study was Heart health on nurses, what they noticed also was that the nurses who made sure to get enough sleep were slimmer than the ones who didn't. The scientist think that with less sleep less of the appetite stopping hormone Leptin is released
5. How thinking of the scale can lessen hunger
If you want to loose weight you should weigh yourself every day *I am so happy to read this because it makes it ok* At the University of Minnesota a study with 3000 participants, including the ones just wanting to keep their weight lost weight when they were confronted with their scale on a daily basis.

Article 4
Weight loss with the Thin-Clock
*Basically this article tells you when to eat what foods and why- I also just paraphrased it*
7am Nutritional scientist suggest drinking a warm glass of water with lemon on an empty stomach. Effect: The metabolism gets started and the enzymes in lemons help fat digestion
8am you may dig in at breakfast because your energy reserves are empty after sleep. If they aren't filled right away the brain sends out hunger signals. A breakfast with carbohydrates and protein let's us start the day optimally. Example: Whole-grain bread *remember german bread is being referred to here* tomato and cheese, unsweetened muesly with fruits and yogurt or milk. Taboo: White-Flour bread, sweet coffee specialties, chocolate spread raise our insulin levels quickly
10am Fruit are high in nutrients and are often 90% water, which fills with low calories. A small snack barely bothers insulin levels. Best are apples, berries, oranges, kiwis and grapefruits. Hands off fruit yogurt, dried fruits, and smoothies they are to high in sugar and later cause appetite
1pm- Best at lunch is fish and poultry and lean steaks. with it a large salad or veggies. Taboo are because of their high sugar levels carrots and peas. the intake of carbs should be limited allowed with large hunger are 2 potatoes or a small portion brown rice. No Noodles, french fries or fried potatoes or breaded meats or fish.
4pm- the second fruit snack gets fatburn started if they aren't extremely sweet like bananas, melons or grapes. if you like coffee you may have a cup with it. allowed is 1 Tbsp Milk no sugar. Alternatives: Herbal or black tea. both support the metabolism
7pm- Veggies or salad are low calorie and deliver important fiber in the evening. Protein supports fat burn especially well because they fill you up and support the production of growth hormones that speed up fat burn during sleep. Keeping away from Bread, noodles, and potatoes and high fat meats (salami, sausages, bologna) keep insulin levels low which are the best conditions for weight loss during sleep
10pm- This yogurt drink is the ideal sleep drink to burn fat. The nutrients in cucumber (calium, zinc, water) flush out water and toxins.
125g low fat yogurt
2Tbsp. cubed cucumber
4 chopped mint leaves
mix well

Something to ponder

So in order to keep from turning the kitchen upside down for something to munch on I looked up some quotes about food and eating and such...I find them really good. But before that a whore out (^_^)
Avani who's blog is called Starving Artists. She just recently started it, and she needs followers, also so far I like reading it, plus if you start following now there aren't to many posts to catch up with!! Plus she likes my blog which clearly shows how awesome she is. LOL

Ok now to the quotes enjoy:

Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live ~ Socrates

If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner ~ H.S. Leigh

Preach not to others what they should eat, but eat as becomes you, and be silent ~ Epictetus (yeah people around me need to follow this)

The one way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life ~ Cyril Connoll0y

If only it was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate. ~Diogenes the Cynic

Great eaters and great sleepers are incapable of anything else that is great. ~Henry IV of France

Eat little, sleep sound. ~Iranian Proverb

The more you eat, the less flavor; the less you eat, the more flavor. ~Chinese Proverb

In general, mankind, since the improvement in cookery, eats twice as much as nature requires. ~Benjamin Franklin

He that eats till he is sick must fast till he is well. ~English Proverb

The belly is ungrateful--it always forgets we already gave it something. ~ Russian Proverb

To lengthen your life, shorten your meals. ~ Proverb


man

ok so my back is still fucked. at least i'm drinking a lot yesterday i had about 3 liters of tea. but i still ate, it's kinda hard not to when oji-san (grandpa) keeps saying, you don't eat enough that's why you are like this. so as long as they are here or rather i'm staying in this house i'll have to eat. kind of normal. i can skip breakfast but not lunch and dinner. they'll actually go out of their way to cook vegan for me. they eat mostly vegetarian but for me they'll make an extra pot without the butter. yesterday it was soup.
on the bright side i ordered myself a step aerobics video. yeah taking it back to the 80's i might even wear leg warmers when i work out. i would wear the leotard but god i would probably scare the shit out of anybody who saw me, including myself. i love step aerobics so i'm hoping i'll stick to it. i'm glad my stepper is already unpacked, which of course doesn't do me any good while my back is still fucked up, and i'm not at home.
i brought two dvds with me, pilates and qi gong, i can forget about doing pilates but i might just pop in the qi gong and see how far i can take it with the pain. it might not burn a lot of calories but at least it's some sort of motion and might help my back since it's slow.
the P.U.s are coming back on wednesday. thank goodness. don't have to worry about the shop after that and i can take my ass home. my very unfinished home without a kitchen however i can start looking for a kitchen once their back because i'll have the transportation means for it then. oh happy fucking day. i need a kitchen because then all the stuff will be organized and i can use a scale for exact measurements.
i haven't weighed myself lately because the scale is still downstairs and i always forget to go down there before i drink anything. i refuse to step on the scale after any consumption because i'm scared enough of the number as it is because while working this week i had chinese food. lots of it, i'd forget purging is not an option.
well guys stay strong, i also have 1 more follower, makes me happy, in my pants. i need to really get strong also for all the followers, what's the point in following me if it's only whining right?
anyway
stay strong
MUAH

Friday, September 24, 2010

not really a reading necessity

turn your blog into a book?
i just saw the add...wow if i turned this into a book somebody could find it and then...wooooooow
shit would really hit the fucking fan...scaryyyy

yay

i'm up to 17 followers today.

however i'm still in bitch mode so i apologize for the angry negative whiny post following

however i'm a fat ass pig. i hope for each and every person that ever reads this post that you never hurt your back. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy...actually i would wish it on any bitch i never liked and hope she gets sooo fat because she can't move....oh yeah pain can make one spiteful.

besides the back pain let me fill you in
on saturday my P.U.s had to fly to the states to turn off the machines that were keeping my grandmother (fahjas side) alive because she was practically a vegetable after having fallen into a coma. i know i should be super sad but after my sadness-binge i was fine with the exception of hating myself. well on sunday morning i fucked up my back. my grandparents came that day (the ones i couldn't live without) which was great because little one needed attention and mommy couldn't give it because well i couldn't fucking move.
anyway so now this week i've been working in my mother's shop to help out while the grandparents are watching mini me. now why did i share all this? because i just wanted to let each one of you know:
I HATE WORKING WITH PEOPLE
they make me way to self conscious, I already feel like a lard ass but their eyes make me feel like i'm spreading an inch a second...crazy? yeah I know (but I got the hospital stay to prove it)

another reason i wanted to share that information was because being that my grandparents were coming down anyway to help me out and such i could've went to work out...nobody supports that shit more than my grandparents...those to athletic fuckers (said in a jealous tone) go running every other day. how awesome is that? extremely awesome, however it sucks fucking ass cheeks that the athleticism skipped my genes...i got all the fat genes from my bio-fahja dammit. well now that i would've had the chance to work out without a mini-me interruption i've knocked out my back indulging in one of my favorite past times....i wish it would've been a great lay or something
anyway
stay lovely guys
stay strong
muah

EDIT:
this chicky needs followers, she's just starting out so check her out
her name is Lindsey
anyone else need whoring???? (^_^)

Thursday, September 23, 2010

If you really knew me...

I'm trying to post this one over e-mail so I hope it works. I don't really know what the hell I'm gonna write about that's really new. You guys already know about my back pain and the fact that I knocked it out purging (irony at it's best, try to do something to help my weight fuck up a vital body part necessary for any sort of exercise and movement). Hmm I guess I'll just post a list of shit about me, things I like, hate, or whatever...
So in no particular order:
  • I hate that people expect shit from me and I can't help but to want to meet those expectations.
  • What I hate even more than that is that I constantly fail at meeting my own expectations I seem to set for myself
  • I looked at my teeth the other day, and I see tooth decay on my back teeth, yeah I know it's gross but the shit I thought would never happen to me because of purging are starting to happen, and I know if I would just go to the dentist he could do something about it but I'm to much of a pussy to go because I don't want the dentist knowing, I know I could say I'm getting help for it but it feels awkward to lie. Especially since I know one visit is not going to take care of all the problems. It's like sorry hon no matter how much you brush your teeth and floss stomach acid will do the job. I even did the baking soda after purging thing...
  • My hair doesn't seem quite as thick as it used to I mean it's super hard to completely tell since I've been rocking my curls but it's not as much of a rats nest.
  • When people say "Jesus is my homeboy" I want to say "Are you his?"
  • Religion bothers me, it can't be fit into a perfect category there's nothing black and white so it's bothersome to me however I can't help believing that there's something
  • I long for the perfect body but I'm scared of reaching my goal weight because then it's either stop and be happy or continue. If I stop what am I going to work for then? And if I continue I know it's a path to death. Also I'd probably need help to quit and I don't really want that either. I don't know, sorry if it seems confusing.
  • Back pain sucks ass
  • I love watching the Boondocks cartoon that shit is to funny however the comic was the best for its political references.
  • I hate working with people. I seriously loathe it. I think when I start work again I'm gonna have to leave the service industry. People make me way to nervous and angry...why do they always want shit (lord forbid you want something when you go into a store right?)
  • I am extremely jealous of my best friends body because she doesn't have to give a shit and still looks hot and skinny
  • I wish I had the balls to say what I wanted when I wanted
  • I have the hardest time finding good words to say, I either come across as stuck up or like a know it all bitch or like a complete idiot, no in between here and I usually don't even mean it that way
  • DISCIPLINE can only be achieved by yourself and not when other shit around you happens...I need to relearn that shit
  • I think this list is way more negative than I had meant it to be
I have a new follower, thank you so much that would raise my count up to 16. Yay 16 people care about what I have to say.
I would like to put out there:
DO NOT EVER START TO PURGE!!!!
No matter how great I'm sure I make it sound in my ill mind I'm now getting the side effects so please listen to me if you've never done it don't start. If you've done it but aren't doing it regularly STOP.
It's hard to quit!!! And it sucks for me right now because I'm physically not able to do it right now!!!
I love all of you guys
STAY STRONG
MUAH

Monday, September 20, 2010

man this sucks

ok so yesterday after i had a mini-binge as I was kneeling down purging i fucked up my back. i don't really know how it happened maybe the violence of the purge just knocked something outta place but let's just say i could barely move yesterday and i couldn't get all of the binge out. wtf, is it a sign from above/below? i don't know but it's fucked up. i couldn't weigh myself this morning because the scale is in the downstairs bathroom and my back and the stairs are not on good terms right now. I could ask my grandparents to bring it up but I hate asking them to do stuff for me because well they are already doing so much just helping me with mini-me. this one is short because sitting is also super uncomfortable but i'm getting better. i wanted to start with qi gong and pilates today but i guess that'll just have to wait until i can move properly again.
i've been watching skins, i'm now on season 3. oh it's a good show but in my head i now talk with a british accent. retarded right?
stay strong
muah

Sunday, September 19, 2010

OMG

I'm at 165.3 lbs (75kg). Oh yeah happy dance happy dance happy happy happy dance. Before I left my moms I was always around 77, but somehow I managed to drop 2kg. This is freaking awesome.
However I will have to admit, yesterday everything I ate was purged with the exception of a tomato & black olive salad. I probably didn't drink enough either. I will be making up for that today. I just made myself 1L of tea. I'm just waiting for it to cool off because I have a killer headache. Probably dehydration. But for that result it's worth it. I am much more motivated than I have been since....I don't know how long.
Yippeee....
now some thinspo



Stay Strong
MUAH

Friday, September 17, 2010

since i lack discipline...

i've decided to make myself a spread sheet. i will record my complete calorie intake, that includes binges and everything because i need to do something to get back on track because i do not need to be fat!!!
i'll post my results in the evenings!!!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Hypocrite much?

Oh yeah talking about myself. After a final attempt in giving myself a kick in the ass with the previous post (and possibly you guys to...idk), I've horribly failed.
Yesterday went something like this:

Binge, Purge
Binge, Purge
Binge, Purge
Order from Delivery Service
Binge, Purge
Binge, Purge
Binge, Purge

and then every left over Binging material was finished off with a similar pattern.
disgusting I know. I spend about 50 Euros on binging food yesterday...alone the money should be enough to keep me from doing it.
I don't even know how much I binged and purged but I'm sure the binging amount rivaled a supersize vs. superskinny participants daily intake.
I am kinda disgusted with myself however on another end i'm proud because i actually always went to purge. i didn't try to keep it in. so maybe that kick in the ass did work just not in the way i wanted it to.
i do believe thinking positive helps however. i'll stick to that. but the binging has to stop as do the multiple purges a day. i know it's bad for me but it is addicting and it does make me feel better but i do want to be there for my kid in the future so i need to seriously stop the excessive purging.
I want my restriction back
I am so sorry to all my followers for not having been very positive in my posting recently. please forgive me!!!!
Stay Strong (stronger than me!)!!!
MUAH

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Ugh...but still a kinda lecture

Ok so I just binged...and purged. I woke up this morning feeling nauseous after I don't know...I just woke up that way. However by the time I was done with my appointment about getting my kitchen (which has been approved I should have the money next week), I wasn't feeling sick anymore but I had to get groceries and well I bought mostly shit. Truth be told as I was sitting on the bus I was planning that shit out. Pathetic I know...

Anyway now on to what I've been wanting to write since early this morning:

We need to think positively I know it sounds like bullshit but that shit works. That's how I got started on my journey and I've just now remembered it.
We mostly feel ugly and fat, well why else would we be on this journey of weight loss right? Others tell us we're beautiful but we don't believe them regardless of how much we may love to hear it we still feel bullshitted...
We need to tell ourselves everyday that we are going to be our goal weight and the rest will probably follow naturally. with that i do not mean just by thinking positive the weight will come up but we will feel more natural following whatever way we have set out for ourselves. I've started telling myself in a chipper and happy voice "I will be 50kg, I will be 50kg, I will be 50kg" because when I first started the weight I was wishing for was higher but the more I told myself the easier I found restriction.
I know it might sound crazy and lunatic kinda something out of a self-help book but trust me people that shit works.
We attract what we put out. If we put out positive thoughts for our weight loss, it will be that much easier. I like to think it's the energy of the world and universe at work but it's probably just self mind-fucking yourself to believe it's easy.
We must stop talking about how hard it is and start telling ourselves we will get to where we are going.
I know it's not going to be easy all the time and we will fall down but hell if we try to stay positive then at least we can get our shrinking asses back up again.
At least this is what I will be doing from now on telling myself where I will get and just know what I do will get easier to do.
I don't know how to really end this post, take it as you will? use it or don't? Try it, it might work for you?
I don't know...anyway guys
Stay Strong
MUAH

Sunday, September 12, 2010

another post filled with whining...

i hate my bookshelves. i've organized most of them. I have four bookshelves. one for non-fiction, two for novels, one for kiddie and teenie books. I have the kid books and novels organized alphabetically by author. I haven't even done the non-fiction yet. why do i hate them? because the sizes are all fucked up. i can't fucking stand it. why can't all books have standard sizes? why can't authors stick to one size? so why don't i organize them by size? because i hate having them out of alphabetical order. ughh this is so fucking bothersome!!! i wish i had a magic wand to make all books the same sizes!! i can't get rid of them either i love books. this will probably bother me forever.
i really want to stop eating but i can't seem to. i hate going to grocery stores i never been to before and finding more shit that's vegan friendly. why does there have to be vegan ice cream and cookies? been binging on those this past week. why do i sometimes purge and sometimes not? i don't know. it's like sometimes i want to make my mistake better and sometimes i want the punishment. however why do i even have to get myself in that situation? why can't i just not eat? i also catch myself making excuses in my head. at first it was just wait until i get into my own place, well now i'm here and my new excuse is once i have a kitchen.
let me tell you the truth on why i miss smoking pot so much...it helped me not eat. i know most people get the munchies i somehow talk myself into how disgusting food is in a high state of mind. i want to smoke so bad. i feel like it gives me more control, however i only have that control in that aspect. i shouldn't smoke. i really shouldn't i know but it's so fucking tempting. let me escape for a little while please...however i don't deserve escape what i need to do is get a fucking grip on myself. i know i can do it, i have fucking goals i need to reach. weight goals and life goals. i can't do that just whining about how much i'm fucking up. even though i'm writing this now will i stick to it? i really don't know. it's fucking ridiculous.
the last few posts have been nothing but me whining about my lack of self control. i hate whiners...i hate myself. i just need to get a grip.
i still haven't been to my mom's house to get the rest of my shit. why? well partially because of laziness but also because i'm fucking terrified of my scale. i forgot it there. and i fear it now because i know once i have it i'll have to get on it and once i'll get on it...well with several binges we know what that means. unless i'm lucky somehow but luck isn't my strong suit.
i need to figure out how to get this eating under control. i know i'm not eating out of hunger. i think it's boredom but i shouldn't be bored. however i am. i need to work on my apartment but i'm lazy. well guys sorry about another rant
stay strong
MUAH

Saturday, September 11, 2010

thinspiration is...

your kid playing with your back fat!!!
i binged yesterday purged binged again didn't purge.
i'm getting my scale today hope seeing the numbers give me the push
i need to start drinking coffee again
this ones short
stay strong
muah

Thursday, September 9, 2010

i'm back

so it's time to update you guys on what i've been up to since my release from the hospital and day clinic, besides the obvious move and the whining about my lack of self control.
but i'll start with my eating since that is what this blog is supposed to be mostly about.
basically i've been going through binge and purge lately. i think somewhere deep down inside it's more because i can now whenever i want pretty much. let's ignore the fact that it's bad for my health and the fact that when i do purge i feel really guilty because i look at myself as a loser because it feels like the purging is just an excuse for me to not use self control however i do enjoy it on some level.
as of tomorrow it's time to start a new. i will probably start my self control as i did before. constantly talking to myself, asking myself are you really hungry. i need to start drinking more. i know for a fact that i don't drink enough liquid throughout the day. but since i've unpacked all my teas now i don't really have any excuse. and when i eat i need to really start drinking the ginger tea after, since it helps boost the metabolism and burn fat. i also plan on starting some sort of work out. don't know quite what yet but i'm starting to find all my work out dvds so that would be a good place to start. plus mini me can join in. i miss my scale i forgot it at my moms house but i'm going on saturday so i should be ok until then but it bugs me not to have it. I'll try to see it positively and say this just gives me a few days of getting back into the swing of things.
well let's see what else....i don't think to much else has happened that's even worth a mention...
as of tomorrow i'll start keeping a food diary on here again and once i have my scale i'll update on my weight much as i did in the beginning and also update on the side there.
EDIT: one part somehow got completely cut out damn it
since i've gotten out of the hospital i've had a social worker to help me with all the important stuff that's official. i'm glad, she's a big help and i don't have to make the phone calls that just bring up my social anxiety. she's nice as well. plus mini-me likes her.
i'm gonna cut my hair pretty soon. i just want to start a new and that includes me cutting off my hair. when i know when i'll do a before and after.
i realized my bath tub is shorter than the one in my old apartment which kinda sucks but taking a bath was just as awesome!!!
oh just watched a program called red it's a star magazine and they basically where talking about curvy celebs and how skinny is out....sorry that's a trend i can't follow i'm a fat ass now not feeling it, i can't lie to myself like i used to and say big is beautiful and i'm happy that way...fuck that
i wanna look hungry!!!
stay strong
muah

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

ok since i'm a lazy bum and i'm using my phone this is short. i might have internet as of tomorrow yay i tried posting on some blogs but it won't let me with my phon idk why. sleeping in my place is great even without a kitchen no more bitching from mom and any unnecessary eating can freely be followed by a purge (i know its bad but it feels so fucking good) i should do a better update tomorrow if my friend can loan me that internet stick
stay strong
MUAH

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

so excited

well i still haven't moved (sunday my mom was no help since she was all hung over, and today i had the worst day of my cold)t' but i'm def moving in the afternoon it's 3 am right now and that i'm still up it's ridiculous but i can't seem to sleep. i watched the first episode of skins (thanks lola) and i loved it.
why am i excited? because tomorrow i start anew, i can finally restrict in peace. today i found out i can get a full time day care spot paid for so i'm excited, now i just have to find the day care center who will provide me with it.
maybe it's a small shimmer of hope.
also i'm excited to be able to take a bath. not a shower but a bath. i haven't had one in so long. i don't really do it at my parents house because "my" bathroom only has a shower in it, plus i like my privacy and i can't get it here.
oh i'm feeling happy.
also i really hope to get more bloggy after my move

Saturday, September 4, 2010

long overdue update (this ones for you lola (^_^))

warning a big jumble
so my mom is completely drunk and this is the only place i can post it. it's funny because now i see where my drunk antics come from the whole I love everyone thing. however it worries me. I hope she doesn't turn into an alcoholic because i have the slight suspicion she's drinking due to stress and lately she's been drinking more often and by herself. she also just smoked my cig away from me...and she's been a non smoker since the past 12 years now. hmmm...
well onto me...
i'm currently moving into my new place as of tomorrow i'll be sleeping there. it's been stressful. i've been tired. i haven't taken my meds in a while now and i need to because i'm not feeling any emotion towards my mini me lately. which scares me because it's like i'm returning to the person i was before i got into the hospital and started therapy. it's also scary because i don't know if it's the meds that make me love her or the chemical imbalance gets fixed with the meds and just allows me to be normal and who I really am. i just don't know. it's scary and worrying me. i once again feel like things aren't moving forward as they should. i don't know if it's just my impatience.
i might have a day care spot but it's a catholic day care, which would be ok if it wasn't for my mom and my grandparents who are die hard "freethinkers" (their way of saying atheist) and yelling at me and telling me how i should not do that to my child and dumb her down etc. so freaking stressful and it's not even definite if she'll go there since it's just a half-day daycare and i'd rather have her in a full day daycare so i can start working full time.
oh god here comes my drunk mother getting another cigarette. she is really drunk hopefully i can get sleep tonight. at least she's on the phone with a good friend who'll hopefully talk some sense into her.
i'm happy to move into my place tomorrow however it's far from complete, i don't have a kitchen yet and i haven't gotten the money from the welfare department for it yet which sucks ass cheeks. i don't care about me since once i move i can starve and purge in peace once more which i really need to do anyway because i'm a fatass still floating around 77kg. which i know once i start drinking more i'll lose some of that because i've been pretty bad with that lately. we all know drinking is the #1 rule to dropping weight. however i need to be able to feed my kid and all i have is an electric wok, a microwave, a water boiler, a toaster and a coffee maker. so bothersome. sorry mini me.
purging...haven't done it to much lately except when i was moving into my new apartment and was there by myself unpacking boxes and let me tell you my toilet sucks, that bowl is so shallow i have to clean clean the toilet everytime because food just splatters everywhere, i know gross but it's just a fact of my life. maybe i'll take a picture for you guys of the toilet so you know what not to get should you ever choose to buy one for some unknown reason lol.
(my mom just came in again she smells like an alky bum)
i hope i can update more often now that i'm moving because i just need the privacy but my internet isn't on at my new place so i'll have to use my phone which kinda sucks because it'll take forever to post and whatnot. also i hope to catch up on all the blogs i'm following because i haven't. i've been a bad blogger and follower. I deserve a spanking...wait i might like that...i deserve punishment lol.
i have so many things to update but i can't seem to think of them right now i'll need to take notes throughout the day when i think of something so i can post.
lately i've been craving weed. i'm even dreaming about it. i just want a j. however i know if i smoke i can't keep it at the just having fun level. i'd eventually start smoking on a regular basis and turn into the same person i was before april. i can't do that.
i feel like my life is out of control right now. i can't control my weight or the things around me. my mother is being a control freak about everything as well. i keep telling myself once i'm moved out i'll be ok. everything will fall into place but somehow i lack any kind of hope for that. sometimes i just wish i was in a fatal car crash or shot in a mugging. i know most people would say kill yourself but call it being a pussy i feel like i can't do that because of mini me. i want to be there for her but at the same time i don't want to be here. i just want to control my life again. i want to actually enjoy it. i want to be the skinny bitch i should be. i feel like until i'm at my ultimate weight i can't find happiness. and i'm hating myself for not getting there and not having the control to get there.
i found a new fave band (called LuLu) and the lead singer is hotness...underweight hotness at that i calculated his bmi (thank you japanese bands for posting your artists heights and weights) it's 15.7(112.4lbs[51kg] at 5'9[181cm]), it kind of makes me want to strive for that bmi. i know it's unhealthy and so far away but it's so beautiful. here's pics so you can see him:





oh yeah i love me some men in makeup. well who said i'm normal (^_^)
it's funny when i first started loosing weight and before i started loosing i was anti-bones in the sense that i didn't want them poking out but over time i found them pleasing to the eye and beautiful. tastes can change eh?
well i'm ready from my bones to show i hope after tonight i can finally know what it's like to feel hungry again. god i'm craving weed right now.
well i'll try to update as much as i possibly can while i don't have internet at my house
ta ta ladies and gents (if any are reading)
Stay Strong
MUAH

Saturday, August 14, 2010

writing just a quick update.
i'm currently in the process of moving from my one bdrm to a two. i'm super excited of not having to sleep in the livingroom anymore but until i'm done moving i'm still at my parents since my place os devoid of a kitchen and the new apartment as well and it has to be painted.
anyway i've almost reached 80kg again and i can't seem to control eating also partially because my mom is constantly on my ass wanting to eat out and i can't even use the excuse i ate earlier or anything because she's always there and if i say i don't feel well it has got to be because i'm not eating. can't wait to move oh and i'll probably update my twitter more than here because of time and stuff so feel free to check my page amyway since i got the thingy. oh o have another follower it might take a while but i'll try to read your blog.
stay strong
MUAH