on my landline i have a flat rate that i pay 3,95 euro extra a month so i can call
Poland, Greece, Italy, USA, Czech Republic, UK, France, Switzerland, Austria, Portugal, Spain, Netherlands, Belgium, Denmark, Canada, Norway, Sweden, Ireland, Luxemburg, Australia,
Andorra, Liechtenstein, Monaco, San Marino, and the Vatican unlimited and for no extra costs.
Obviously I only call the states, and there it's only two friends that I'm still in touch with from high school. seriously why do i bother those heifers are never available and we don't talk a lot once every 2 months maybe. they have lives so it's kinda hard especially considering the time difference.
Why would I need to call the vatican? maybe i should prank call the pope ha ha. I'm stuck with this service for two years...murr.
I just felt like complaining and I obviously can't complain to my friends because they aren't picking up the phone...so yeah i just wasted however much time it took you to read this. sorry
oh i started watching glee it's so cheesy i love it
Sunday, December 5, 2010
A letter
Dear Food,
I think it's time me and you end this relationship.
I appreciate all the fun moments you've given me. The sensations on my tongue, and going down my throat. Seriously there was a time where I truly enjoyed you. I loved you I worshiped you, I'd do anything to be with you. However lately all you've caused me is pain. I'm tired of feeling guilty, I'm tired of all the fat you've given me. I know you meant well in your own selfish way. You just wanted to be consumed and experienced. I can't get myself to love you anymore, all I can do is hate. I can't enjoy you no matter how tasty you are. The last straw is this lower intestinal pain I've had for the past week. You whispered sweet nothings of feeling better but consuming you has made it even worse. I might come back to you on occasions but know this, we are over. All you'll ever be is a booty call, a cut friend, something I'll come to only in times of dire need. I can't say I won't fall for your sweet, salty, spicy, sour, juicy seductions ever again but I will fight you. Just know it's me not you. You have plenty of other connoisseurs, you won't be lonely there's enough obesity in this world.
I hate you.
Sincerely,
Dylphe
in other news another follower wow it's been a record weekend. I feel so honored thank you soooo much. And as I always offer to everyone follower or not, if you want a whore out on my blog just let me know. Post a comment shoot me an e-mail, whatever works for you.
Love you guys.
Here's to hoping no more binging, I finished off all the binge foods in my house (followed by purging of course which I didn't get all of it out thanks to the pain in my lower abdomen). I won't be seduced. I plan on feeling superior to all the chunk-monkeys out there who don't give a damn and don't try.
I drank more than a gallon in liquids today, I only peed twice. Yeah you read right twice. And it was pathetic. I am so bloated. I think I'll have to invest in some laxitives and water pills if my stomach stays in so much pain. It's been a week already what's really going on? Ugh I wish I was a spirit or ghost and those things just didn't concern me....
Stay Strong
MUAH
I think it's time me and you end this relationship.
I appreciate all the fun moments you've given me. The sensations on my tongue, and going down my throat. Seriously there was a time where I truly enjoyed you. I loved you I worshiped you, I'd do anything to be with you. However lately all you've caused me is pain. I'm tired of feeling guilty, I'm tired of all the fat you've given me. I know you meant well in your own selfish way. You just wanted to be consumed and experienced. I can't get myself to love you anymore, all I can do is hate. I can't enjoy you no matter how tasty you are. The last straw is this lower intestinal pain I've had for the past week. You whispered sweet nothings of feeling better but consuming you has made it even worse. I might come back to you on occasions but know this, we are over. All you'll ever be is a booty call, a cut friend, something I'll come to only in times of dire need. I can't say I won't fall for your sweet, salty, spicy, sour, juicy seductions ever again but I will fight you. Just know it's me not you. You have plenty of other connoisseurs, you won't be lonely there's enough obesity in this world.
I hate you.
Sincerely,
Dylphe
in other news another follower wow it's been a record weekend. I feel so honored thank you soooo much. And as I always offer to everyone follower or not, if you want a whore out on my blog just let me know. Post a comment shoot me an e-mail, whatever works for you.
Love you guys.
Here's to hoping no more binging, I finished off all the binge foods in my house (followed by purging of course which I didn't get all of it out thanks to the pain in my lower abdomen). I won't be seduced. I plan on feeling superior to all the chunk-monkeys out there who don't give a damn and don't try.
I drank more than a gallon in liquids today, I only peed twice. Yeah you read right twice. And it was pathetic. I am so bloated. I think I'll have to invest in some laxitives and water pills if my stomach stays in so much pain. It's been a week already what's really going on? Ugh I wish I was a spirit or ghost and those things just didn't concern me....
Stay Strong
MUAH
so weight this morning 167.99lbs (76.2kg). Mia has not failed me this time around. Oh yeah take that swollen throat I mad you suffer but it was worth it. oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah yeah yeah.
I got a bunch of followers. wow i've never gotten so many at once. THANK YOU I LOVE YOU. I just want to point out that if I started following you it's not because you started following me. I actually sat there and read your whole blog to see if it was something I could follow back. With that I mean am I willing to read this all the time. Which usually I am. In the early days I didn't always take the time to check my followers blogs because I was still trying to catch up with the blogs I was following. Since I'm currently looking for more blogs to follow but I'm to lazy to look for them, I do sometimes check out linkage in posts or when somebody posts a comment on somebodies page i'm like let me check their blog. I love new followers because it means new blogs to read. I'm really trying to get back into my disciplined vibe and if that means reading blogs all fucking day so be it.
I'm actually hoping to naturally have it easier because monday i have a filled day and that is always awesome. i feel to much shame to eat in public by myself, i feel watched and judged on my fatness.
Speaking of inspiration need reverse thinspo? check out People of Walmart it's the funniest shit ever. I'm glad I won't ever fall victim since I can't go to Walmart over here. I finally checked it out so TearsandSorrow this link is also for you since I wrote in the comment to you reverse thinspo works for me sometimes.
Uhmm yeah I can't promise that this is my last post for the day but this is it for now.
Oh I'm seeing people vlogging...do I dare make a vid and join the cool kids? idk we'll see if I have the balls or ever find something to talk about.
I'm really thinking of fasting so whenever somebody is doing one let me know I'll try to join depending on my schedule and if I have to eat anything because I'm doing something with parentals or friends and such. but i'll try. I just don't think if I say I'm gonna fast I'll pull through so I'll wait for someone else to start and be a follower ^_^
I got a bunch of followers. wow i've never gotten so many at once. THANK YOU I LOVE YOU. I just want to point out that if I started following you it's not because you started following me. I actually sat there and read your whole blog to see if it was something I could follow back. With that I mean am I willing to read this all the time. Which usually I am. In the early days I didn't always take the time to check my followers blogs because I was still trying to catch up with the blogs I was following. Since I'm currently looking for more blogs to follow but I'm to lazy to look for them, I do sometimes check out linkage in posts or when somebody posts a comment on somebodies page i'm like let me check their blog. I love new followers because it means new blogs to read. I'm really trying to get back into my disciplined vibe and if that means reading blogs all fucking day so be it.
I'm actually hoping to naturally have it easier because monday i have a filled day and that is always awesome. i feel to much shame to eat in public by myself, i feel watched and judged on my fatness.
Speaking of inspiration need reverse thinspo? check out People of Walmart it's the funniest shit ever. I'm glad I won't ever fall victim since I can't go to Walmart over here. I finally checked it out so TearsandSorrow this link is also for you since I wrote in the comment to you reverse thinspo works for me sometimes.
Uhmm yeah I can't promise that this is my last post for the day but this is it for now.
Oh I'm seeing people vlogging...do I dare make a vid and join the cool kids? idk we'll see if I have the balls or ever find something to talk about.
I'm really thinking of fasting so whenever somebody is doing one let me know I'll try to join depending on my schedule and if I have to eat anything because I'm doing something with parentals or friends and such. but i'll try. I just don't think if I say I'm gonna fast I'll pull through so I'll wait for someone else to start and be a follower ^_^
ok absolutely last post...for today or rather this waking period
ok here's my pics hope the size alignment is ok i'm to lazy
sorry for the bad quality but these are pictures from my cell phone taken from print pictures i know some people may not remember disposable cameras and such lol
love you guys i'm signing off here
MUAH
my senior yearbook pic
in 9th grade i thought i was hot shit i see that now i'm just like how fucking fat
me age 3 just thought i'd add that one in there picture this in white with light eyes and light brown hair and you've got mini me...well a little slimmer but just a bit
senior prom
senior year i think the shirt says warning curves ahead
homecoming junior year let's not even talk about those disgusting thighs and to think i thought i was hot shit back then oh ignorance is bliss
junior year
junior prom
10th grade
sorry for the bad quality but these are pictures from my cell phone taken from print pictures i know some people may not remember disposable cameras and such lol
love you guys i'm signing off here
MUAH
my senior yearbook picin 9th grade i thought i was hot shit i see that now i'm just like how fucking fatme age 3 just thought i'd add that one in there picture this in white with light eyes and light brown hair and you've got mini me...well a little slimmer but just a bitsenior promsenior year i think the shirt says warning curves aheadhomecoming junior year let's not even talk about those disgusting thighs and to think i thought i was hot shit back then oh ignorance is blissjunior yearjunior prom10th gradeSaturday, December 4, 2010
Let's not talk about food
i want to talk about where i came from as far as loosing weight and such goes i hope if i recap i'll get some of that discipline back this could be boring so feel free not to read...well you're free to not ever read anything i've posted but i'm very appreciative of you guys reading and i love you for it...well i also love you for being you
i used to be a happy big girl, at least on the outside, i'd always wanted to loose weight but since i was a lazy fucker i never did and just got content at being a fat ass. Pre-pregnancy I usually swayed around 98-103kg after coming back from college before college in 12th grade i was like 83kg and i only know that because i had to get my physical for college and the scale was set to kg and some cute nurse guy was weighing me and i was so embarrassed. so yeah i've been struggeling with poundage for a good while just i was in denial about it. plus in high school i was the girl with the booty and the boobies. i used to hang out with the black people so yeah it was actually a good thing to be "thick" whatever i was fat but hey i guess guys'll like what's available. (In an overseas military high school with only about 600 students there's not as much options as in an actual stateside high school)
well i used to be all about super skinny chicks needing to eat etc. and i think it was senior year i read Skinny Bitches are Evil by Mo'Nique which I guess just gave me validation in being a big girl. however i must add that she does say in her book even if you are big you need to be healthy (which to me now is just an oxymoron), also I watched Real Women have Curves around that time so yeah all about big girls are it.
however i will also say when i was a fatty i never had stretch marks, i had cellulite but no stretchmarks or muffin top for that matter, my belly was fat but i could suck it in and play it off, i didn't have back fat either. post pregnancy all that changed my stomach sags no matter how much weight i loose stretch marks all over it and even on my vag(tmi sorry). my boobs hang way low (do your boobs hang low do they wobble to the floor can you tie them in a knot can you tie them in a bow) they're like empty sacks, and my skin can't hold together like it used to.
then i got pregnant and gained a shit load of weight. i started as a pregnant woman who said i only need to eat enough nutrients not food for two, then that kinda morphed into a constantly empty stomach and eating for like 20 people. I gained like 70lbs during my pregnancy.
the belly during pregnancy you see those stretch marks?
After giving birth i was breast feeding and still eating for 20 saying it's ok i gotta make the milk. however after i weaned my kid off in january 2008 (yeah it was to early in my eyes i wanted to go 6 months but mini me decided she should get teeth at 3.5 months and laugh after she bit the shit outta my nipple and i screamed so she lost that privilige) that's when i weighed myself the first time i was weighing 118kg whaat that's when i kinda just started eating less cutting out the junk food and juices. so i lost some weight by summer 2008 i was weighing 109kg. I think i was just trying to get back to my high school weight. then i kinda plateaued and started eating again because i'd ordered some diet pills and was waiting for them to get in before i got "serious again"
somewhere along the line i bought a scale in the fall because i think it was cold. when i stepped on the scale again i was at 115kg and i was shocked like what the hell happened? so then i just started purging my food. which was hard i had to train myself because no matter how far i stuck my hand or toothbrush down my throat i couldn't do it so it started with me just heaving until it came up. until eventually i started using my banana clip. i lost a bit of weight restricted my food to like 500 cals a day. i remember the loss of control again on halloween 2008 i got really drunk passed out in the club had to go into their infirmary got vomit all over my wig just a bad party night and what made it worse it was the first time to a club since the birth of my daughter. needless to stay i started gorging myself again, then thanksgiving came and my parents went all out and also invited people to a potluck ughhh. the next time i stepped on my scale i was 122kg. 2009 was basically a year of attempting weight loss, kinda restricting going up and down in weight. then i met a chicky and we kinda talked about weight loss and i got super motivated. i was helping out in my parents store and my mom would be there and i'd ask to borrow her car under the pretense of buying diapers and go home to my house and purge lunch. i think when i started the blog i was in the lower in the upper 80's i'm not quite sure.
yeah so i used to do good in order to get where i am now. but i've been straying.
Now I see fat people and I think get with the program but then I think well I'm fat and trying maybe they are to. However when I see a fat person gorging themselves I'm disgusted. You are not trying by eatin 3 heaping plates at the chinese buffet because you'd be to ashamed to do it in public. I'm also jealous to be honest. It's impossible for me to have such a relationship with food to where i don't care about what i consume anymore. Also sometimes I see fashion indiscretions (I'm talking about skirts to short or shirts to tight) made by fat people and I'm like OMG that's disgusting looking I used to walk around like that how could I and think i looked great. talk about the mirror being a lying bastard.
I see skinny girls and where I used to think I'd love to be that size I think wow great but i wanna be smaller, her thighs are a bit to fat for me to pull it off but looks great on her, look at the muffin top it's cute on her but i couldn't pull it off that's for sure.
I've entered the you can never be to thin mentality. Now I just need to back that shit up with actions
i'd love to post older pics but i have to scan them first and i don't have a scanner maybe i'll take some pics of the pics once mini me is in bed and post them later.
sorry i've been posting a lot lately...i have no life but it's also to make up for the possibility that once i start working again i won't be posting for a while. because i haven't been used to that lifestyle in a loooooooooooong time
i used to be a happy big girl, at least on the outside, i'd always wanted to loose weight but since i was a lazy fucker i never did and just got content at being a fat ass. Pre-pregnancy I usually swayed around 98-103kg after coming back from college before college in 12th grade i was like 83kg and i only know that because i had to get my physical for college and the scale was set to kg and some cute nurse guy was weighing me and i was so embarrassed. so yeah i've been struggeling with poundage for a good while just i was in denial about it. plus in high school i was the girl with the booty and the boobies. i used to hang out with the black people so yeah it was actually a good thing to be "thick" whatever i was fat but hey i guess guys'll like what's available. (In an overseas military high school with only about 600 students there's not as much options as in an actual stateside high school)
well i used to be all about super skinny chicks needing to eat etc. and i think it was senior year i read Skinny Bitches are Evil by Mo'Nique which I guess just gave me validation in being a big girl. however i must add that she does say in her book even if you are big you need to be healthy (which to me now is just an oxymoron), also I watched Real Women have Curves around that time so yeah all about big girls are it.
however i will also say when i was a fatty i never had stretch marks, i had cellulite but no stretchmarks or muffin top for that matter, my belly was fat but i could suck it in and play it off, i didn't have back fat either. post pregnancy all that changed my stomach sags no matter how much weight i loose stretch marks all over it and even on my vag(tmi sorry). my boobs hang way low (do your boobs hang low do they wobble to the floor can you tie them in a knot can you tie them in a bow) they're like empty sacks, and my skin can't hold together like it used to.
then i got pregnant and gained a shit load of weight. i started as a pregnant woman who said i only need to eat enough nutrients not food for two, then that kinda morphed into a constantly empty stomach and eating for like 20 people. I gained like 70lbs during my pregnancy.
the belly during pregnancy you see those stretch marks?
After giving birth i was breast feeding and still eating for 20 saying it's ok i gotta make the milk. however after i weaned my kid off in january 2008 (yeah it was to early in my eyes i wanted to go 6 months but mini me decided she should get teeth at 3.5 months and laugh after she bit the shit outta my nipple and i screamed so she lost that privilige) that's when i weighed myself the first time i was weighing 118kg whaat that's when i kinda just started eating less cutting out the junk food and juices. so i lost some weight by summer 2008 i was weighing 109kg. I think i was just trying to get back to my high school weight. then i kinda plateaued and started eating again because i'd ordered some diet pills and was waiting for them to get in before i got "serious again"
somewhere along the line i bought a scale in the fall because i think it was cold. when i stepped on the scale again i was at 115kg and i was shocked like what the hell happened? so then i just started purging my food. which was hard i had to train myself because no matter how far i stuck my hand or toothbrush down my throat i couldn't do it so it started with me just heaving until it came up. until eventually i started using my banana clip. i lost a bit of weight restricted my food to like 500 cals a day. i remember the loss of control again on halloween 2008 i got really drunk passed out in the club had to go into their infirmary got vomit all over my wig just a bad party night and what made it worse it was the first time to a club since the birth of my daughter. needless to stay i started gorging myself again, then thanksgiving came and my parents went all out and also invited people to a potluck ughhh. the next time i stepped on my scale i was 122kg. 2009 was basically a year of attempting weight loss, kinda restricting going up and down in weight. then i met a chicky and we kinda talked about weight loss and i got super motivated. i was helping out in my parents store and my mom would be there and i'd ask to borrow her car under the pretense of buying diapers and go home to my house and purge lunch. i think when i started the blog i was in the lower in the upper 80's i'm not quite sure.
yeah so i used to do good in order to get where i am now. but i've been straying.
Now I see fat people and I think get with the program but then I think well I'm fat and trying maybe they are to. However when I see a fat person gorging themselves I'm disgusted. You are not trying by eatin 3 heaping plates at the chinese buffet because you'd be to ashamed to do it in public. I'm also jealous to be honest. It's impossible for me to have such a relationship with food to where i don't care about what i consume anymore. Also sometimes I see fashion indiscretions (I'm talking about skirts to short or shirts to tight) made by fat people and I'm like OMG that's disgusting looking I used to walk around like that how could I and think i looked great. talk about the mirror being a lying bastard.
I see skinny girls and where I used to think I'd love to be that size I think wow great but i wanna be smaller, her thighs are a bit to fat for me to pull it off but looks great on her, look at the muffin top it's cute on her but i couldn't pull it off that's for sure.
I've entered the you can never be to thin mentality. Now I just need to back that shit up with actions
i'd love to post older pics but i have to scan them first and i don't have a scanner maybe i'll take some pics of the pics once mini me is in bed and post them later.
sorry i've been posting a lot lately...i have no life but it's also to make up for the possibility that once i start working again i won't be posting for a while. because i haven't been used to that lifestyle in a loooooooooooong time
omg
i don't know why but i just binged on a lot of bread
i need to purge like it's so bad i'm shaking right now but i can't mini-me is in there brushing her teeth. i love that she's so cleanly but hell momma needs to regurgitate. aaaahhhh
i didn't want to do that today but i leave this crap in i don't know what i'll do freak out maybe be an angry heifer all day something
aaahhhhhh must purge i'm so tempted to grab the trash can and go close the door in my room and go at it
never done that before but desperate times call for desperate measures. i will be leaving the house today and buying the stuff i forgot about yesterday mostly because i need the exercise all the stores are in walking distance and although i can't walk at my preferred speed (power walk i hate walking slow) since i got mini me tagging along it's movement which i need. ughhh. a friend offered to come by and drive me to do the shopping but she's sick like me and i didn't want to say it but i don't want her getting mini me sick, not everyone is willing to "embarrass" themselves and wear a face mask in public.
why can i not control my binging. where is my trigger i can't find it. i'm not hungry, i'm not craving, i don't have an appetite but i still feel the need to stuff myself until it feels like my stomach will explode and shit is being pushed out (gross sounding i know)
i've tried all the tricks i know to keep from binging but they don't work there's a monster in there pushing me.
maybe someone should pray for me...but then again that would be wrong i don't really believe in religion. i'm spiritual yes but organized religions don't work for me. however if you believe that's awesome i actually admire your ability to have faith in something regardless of how many holes people will try to poke in it to make you loose that faith. however if your faith makes you unhappy (i'm talking about the faith not the fellow faithful ones) it's probably time to evaluate...wow i just went off on a tangent sorry. ok blogging ain't helping it's gotta come out fuck swollen throat, kid in bathroom, etc.
be stronger than me
MUAH
i need to purge like it's so bad i'm shaking right now but i can't mini-me is in there brushing her teeth. i love that she's so cleanly but hell momma needs to regurgitate. aaaahhhh
i didn't want to do that today but i leave this crap in i don't know what i'll do freak out maybe be an angry heifer all day something
aaahhhhhh must purge i'm so tempted to grab the trash can and go close the door in my room and go at it
never done that before but desperate times call for desperate measures. i will be leaving the house today and buying the stuff i forgot about yesterday mostly because i need the exercise all the stores are in walking distance and although i can't walk at my preferred speed (power walk i hate walking slow) since i got mini me tagging along it's movement which i need. ughhh. a friend offered to come by and drive me to do the shopping but she's sick like me and i didn't want to say it but i don't want her getting mini me sick, not everyone is willing to "embarrass" themselves and wear a face mask in public.
why can i not control my binging. where is my trigger i can't find it. i'm not hungry, i'm not craving, i don't have an appetite but i still feel the need to stuff myself until it feels like my stomach will explode and shit is being pushed out (gross sounding i know)
i've tried all the tricks i know to keep from binging but they don't work there's a monster in there pushing me.
maybe someone should pray for me...but then again that would be wrong i don't really believe in religion. i'm spiritual yes but organized religions don't work for me. however if you believe that's awesome i actually admire your ability to have faith in something regardless of how many holes people will try to poke in it to make you loose that faith. however if your faith makes you unhappy (i'm talking about the faith not the fellow faithful ones) it's probably time to evaluate...wow i just went off on a tangent sorry. ok blogging ain't helping it's gotta come out fuck swollen throat, kid in bathroom, etc.
be stronger than me
MUAH
Good Morning
yeah so I stepped on the scale today. GOOD IDEA. It's ugly but it's the truth that I needed to see. I've been binging and purging but it's obviously not doing me any good. why? because my throat's so freaking swollen that one i can barely get my fingers in and two stuff has a hard time coming back out. i think i won't leave the house today i have a feeling that if i do go out and go buy the stuff i forget yesterday i'll buy binging foods and that's a bad idea. i'm still wanting some ice cream. i can't purge until i'm better, and i know i should purge again never. but that's not much of an option i lack that will power once i get my restrictive will power back i know i can kick that habit because i won't need it anymore.
Lola thanks for the translation i know my fahja will want to know what it is and the well wishes
Fading Figure thanks for the kick in the ass and following me i'll be reading your blog shortly
oh yeah my weight...I got three different weights everytime I stepped on and since it went up each time i chickened out and stopped at the third try
169.3lbs (76.8kg)
169.5lbs (76.9kg)
169.99lbs (77.1kg)
all three are gross
Lola thanks for the translation i know my fahja will want to know what it is and the well wishes
Fading Figure thanks for the kick in the ass and following me i'll be reading your blog shortly
oh yeah my weight...I got three different weights everytime I stepped on and since it went up each time i chickened out and stopped at the third try
169.3lbs (76.8kg)
169.5lbs (76.9kg)
169.99lbs (77.1kg)
all three are gross
Friday, December 3, 2010
Wow
it's seriously almost the end of the year. right now on tv they are showing the top 50 songs of the year over here.
i don't know how to look at this past year. it's not ending on the best foot considering my weight. i'm seriously thinking about getting my parents to fund me a gym membership for christmas. with mini-me starting day care it won't be impossible.
oh at the docs i found out i have angina (or however it's spelled that's the german name no clue what it is in english) anyway i'm contagious for another half a week.
face mask do me proud. and yes i did wear it out the house today. some people looked at me with pity thinking i probably had like something really serious.
so i'm taking antibiotics and i'm still enjoying great binging and purging. i want ice cream. i think the cold will feel good on my throat. murr
anyway just felt like updating
stay strong
muah
i don't know how to look at this past year. it's not ending on the best foot considering my weight. i'm seriously thinking about getting my parents to fund me a gym membership for christmas. with mini-me starting day care it won't be impossible.
oh at the docs i found out i have angina (or however it's spelled that's the german name no clue what it is in english) anyway i'm contagious for another half a week.
face mask do me proud. and yes i did wear it out the house today. some people looked at me with pity thinking i probably had like something really serious.
so i'm taking antibiotics and i'm still enjoying great binging and purging. i want ice cream. i think the cold will feel good on my throat. murr
anyway just felt like updating
stay strong
muah
I'm bored
so back at random anorexics and they posted a link to the Starbucks Oracle
My drink is a Tall Chai Tea Latte with Soy Milk and this is what it told me about myself
Personality type: Hippie
My drink is a Tall Chai Tea Latte with Soy Milk and this is what it told me about myself
Personality type: Hippie
In addition to being a hippie, you are a hypochondriac and a health nut. You secretly think that your insistence on only consuming all-natural products is because you're so intelligent and well-informed; it's actually because you're a sucker. You've dabbled in Wicca or other pseudo-religions that attract morons and have changed your sexual orientation a few times this year. You probably live in California. Everyone who drinks tall chai tea latte with soy milk should be forced to eat a McDonald's bacon cheeseburger.
Also drinks: Beverages with lots of marketing that says they're herbal and organic
Can also be found at: Whole Foods, indoor rock climbing facilities
so cruel trying to force me to eat a bacon cheeseburger
da di da di daaa
so i'm def going to the doctor today. i can't swallow. and i don't mean it just hurts to swallow but i'm freaking scared to drink something because of the swallowing.
oh yeah do the running man, do the cabbage patch, break it down old school style.
i mean it fucking sucks don't get me wrong but not being able to consume things is just whatthe doctor ana ordered. Forced fasting which I know is totally cheating, it's not having any control but hell i'm hoping for the jump start. I'm gonna stay off the scale until after i get better just because i know i'm fat and my stomach is still cramping up. maybe it just needs no food for a while to feel better. i bet you that's what it is. the christmas holidays are scaring the shit out of me right now.
i can't wait till my kid goes to day care i'll have to do like a 20minute walk just to get there from my house because the bus doesn't go there. according to google maps it's a 1.1 mi walk. AWESOME
ok i gotta go call the doc
oh and thank you for your comments i love all of you guys and i don't know why i get so busy i can't post because i actually miss you guys
oh yeah do the running man, do the cabbage patch, break it down old school style.
i mean it fucking sucks don't get me wrong but not being able to consume things is just what
i can't wait till my kid goes to day care i'll have to do like a 20minute walk just to get there from my house because the bus doesn't go there. according to google maps it's a 1.1 mi walk. AWESOME
ok i gotta go call the doc
oh and thank you for your comments i love all of you guys and i don't know why i get so busy i can't post because i actually miss you guys
sooo
i know been posting like crazy however call it making up for all the time i didn't
so when i hear "have you lost weight" i get angry. it's like yeah muthafucka i lost weight i lost a shit load of weight, according to the numbers anyway. but then it strengthens my resolve because if you have to ask then obviously it's not enough.
i'm just saying
i know it's random but my throat is killing me and i hear something like an echo from any noise making it hard to sleep and this just came to me.
it's like a white noise echo.
a normal echo goes
ECHO
echo
mines is like
ECHO
krrrrrrshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (pretend you're hearing that noise but it sounds like it's saying echo...if that makes sense)
yeah super weird don't know what's going on but def going to the doctor i'm fucking contagious. my besty has this (she had it first) and now mia-girly has it (don't know when she got the symptoms) and those are the 2 people i spent most of my time with this past week and a half they are both on antibiotics, i hate meds, give me over the counter shit that'll help me DESTROY my body not that some pharmaceutical company wants me to take to make me "better". fucking great man. i've been sick way to much lately. if i had been good on following ana's orders i'd be like yeah i understand but this, this is just fucking ridiculous.
so when i hear "have you lost weight" i get angry. it's like yeah muthafucka i lost weight i lost a shit load of weight, according to the numbers anyway. but then it strengthens my resolve because if you have to ask then obviously it's not enough.
i'm just saying
i know it's random but my throat is killing me and i hear something like an echo from any noise making it hard to sleep and this just came to me.
it's like a white noise echo.
a normal echo goes
ECHO
echo
mines is like
ECHO
krrrrrrshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (pretend you're hearing that noise but it sounds like it's saying echo...if that makes sense)
yeah super weird don't know what's going on but def going to the doctor i'm fucking contagious. my besty has this (she had it first) and now mia-girly has it (don't know when she got the symptoms) and those are the 2 people i spent most of my time with this past week and a half they are both on antibiotics, i hate meds, give me over the counter shit that'll help me DESTROY my body not that some pharmaceutical company wants me to take to make me "better". fucking great man. i've been sick way to much lately. if i had been good on following ana's orders i'd be like yeah i understand but this, this is just fucking ridiculous.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
3rd post for the day what's really going on...
sorry guys (and the ones you're following) i'm like spamming your recently updated box
so yeah major b/p session in the happening. i don't even want to stop. i should my throat is screaming bloody murder but it's just a virgin scared of its second time. you know sex isn't perfect the first time (first few times or ever) either. so shut up bitch i will purgically rape you (i hope i offend no rape victims because in no way do i approve of that sick shit)
warning warning non-ed related could potentially bore your socks off since its about my kid
so i got super duper good news i got another day care spot at a closer day care that also does bilingual shit so the kids also learn english (which very beneficial since grandpa's german is going to teach my mini-me bad grammar, so let's keep it in his lingo although its very nice how hard he tries even if we've told him to speak english to her so she can learn it. the doc told me one language a person i chose german duh we're in germany tangent tangent sorry) plus i really like the way they feed the kids, they make everything themselves (even the bread), meat only once a week, and everything organic. i love it. i can't really afford organic food but i'm all about my kid eating healthy because honestly i don't want her to be an obese kid suffering because she ate wrong in her youth. also she doesn't have to be fully potty trained like at the other one because we are having a battle of the wills however we're getting there and this is going to sound kind of pathetic but i had to bribe her ass with food. yes it contradicts everything i said before about healthy non-obese kid but i got tired of her peeing on my floor and although i see nothing wrong with a deserved spanking i'm not going to beat my kid onto the potty. sorry she gets spankings for things like climbing on my glass table (it could shatter and impale and kill/maim/seriously hurt her), touching the stove while on (i have enough burn scars she doesn't need any), not for peeing on my floor that evokes a yelling banshee out of me because at some point its just enough. sorry for the parenting tangent but i'm happy about my luck with day care. which it really is full time at least until 6pm in the evening meaning i could get a real job somewhere not just a job that is for 2 hours. i could get a 9-5 woot woot...oh i'm celebrating i have to find one of those first huh? damn recession.
so yeah major b/p session in the happening. i don't even want to stop. i should my throat is screaming bloody murder but it's just a virgin scared of its second time. you know sex isn't perfect the first time (first few times or ever) either. so shut up bitch i will purgically rape you (i hope i offend no rape victims because in no way do i approve of that sick shit)
warning warning non-ed related could potentially bore your socks off since its about my kid
so i got super duper good news i got another day care spot at a closer day care that also does bilingual shit so the kids also learn english (which very beneficial since grandpa's german is going to teach my mini-me bad grammar, so let's keep it in his lingo although its very nice how hard he tries even if we've told him to speak english to her so she can learn it. the doc told me one language a person i chose german duh we're in germany tangent tangent sorry) plus i really like the way they feed the kids, they make everything themselves (even the bread), meat only once a week, and everything organic. i love it. i can't really afford organic food but i'm all about my kid eating healthy because honestly i don't want her to be an obese kid suffering because she ate wrong in her youth. also she doesn't have to be fully potty trained like at the other one because we are having a battle of the wills however we're getting there and this is going to sound kind of pathetic but i had to bribe her ass with food. yes it contradicts everything i said before about healthy non-obese kid but i got tired of her peeing on my floor and although i see nothing wrong with a deserved spanking i'm not going to beat my kid onto the potty. sorry she gets spankings for things like climbing on my glass table (it could shatter and impale and kill/maim/seriously hurt her), touching the stove while on (i have enough burn scars she doesn't need any), not for peeing on my floor that evokes a yelling banshee out of me because at some point its just enough. sorry for the parenting tangent but i'm happy about my luck with day care. which it really is full time at least until 6pm in the evening meaning i could get a real job somewhere not just a job that is for 2 hours. i could get a 9-5 woot woot...oh i'm celebrating i have to find one of those first huh? damn recession.
post frenzy & get tested
i'm reading through randomanorexics.com and they posted this video
so funny
"if you have anorexic"
bwahahahahaha
so funny
"if you have anorexic"
bwahahahahaha
so here's to knowingly being a dumb ass
so yesterday my friend came over (remember mia-girly i mentioned when i was in the hospital? well we are friends). we had a binging session but didn't do the do, the it, the thing, the purge. so feeling guilty this morning i finished of the rest of the chips in the bowl and half of the other one i'd bought and purged. kind of like making up for not doing it last night. i just had this need to purge. i have a sore throat remember? but if punishment isn't painful what's the point?
so yeah as i'm going in for the purge i realize damn it my throats fucking swollen and i could barely get my fingers in. (oh i'm thinking of deflowering here, the pervy mind is working) and i have to ease into a purge...never done that before. so yeah the actual coming up actually doesn't hurt that bad and i'm going and going and then a blood and chips combo. damn it this virginized throat couldn't handle the hand. i really don't think it's the typical blood in vomit i think i scratched my throat in the process. damn it. well i got most of it out and feeling a lot better. but i don't think there'll be much eating going on today which is a good thing. swallowing hurts like a bitch. mostly liquids i'm thinking...hoping.
(yeah i rock a face mask when i'm sick)
sick dumb ass signing off
stay strong
muah
so yeah as i'm going in for the purge i realize damn it my throats fucking swollen and i could barely get my fingers in. (oh i'm thinking of deflowering here, the pervy mind is working) and i have to ease into a purge...never done that before. so yeah the actual coming up actually doesn't hurt that bad and i'm going and going and then a blood and chips combo. damn it this virginized throat couldn't handle the hand. i really don't think it's the typical blood in vomit i think i scratched my throat in the process. damn it. well i got most of it out and feeling a lot better. but i don't think there'll be much eating going on today which is a good thing. swallowing hurts like a bitch. mostly liquids i'm thinking...hoping.
(yeah i rock a face mask when i'm sick)
stay strong
muah
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
food porn soooo cute
ok so you've been warned it's a japanese pudding commercial but i think the son is so kawaii that i decided to make it my ringtone
oh and the gender freak out is more because i don't want my kid to feel like she can't be what she wants so i'm probably overreacting. i just don't want my kid to feel pressure into being something she doesn't want to be. granted my sexuality i never had a problem with since i'm straight but as far as scholastically and what i want to be there's always been immense pressure to please the elders. i was expected to go into politics (seriously i was a politics nerd all through high school) and i lived up to that until i moved from germany to the states to study and my depression hit really hard and somewhere i just decided i'd go from being the great hope of the fam to the black sheep, returned to germany and everything kinda spiraled down from there...anyway, thanks Honor for your comment!!!
Pudi Pudi Pudi Pudi Pudi Pudi
oh and the gender freak out is more because i don't want my kid to feel like she can't be what she wants so i'm probably overreacting. i just don't want my kid to feel pressure into being something she doesn't want to be. granted my sexuality i never had a problem with since i'm straight but as far as scholastically and what i want to be there's always been immense pressure to please the elders. i was expected to go into politics (seriously i was a politics nerd all through high school) and i lived up to that until i moved from germany to the states to study and my depression hit really hard and somewhere i just decided i'd go from being the great hope of the fam to the black sheep, returned to germany and everything kinda spiraled down from there...anyway, thanks Honor for your comment!!!
Pudi Pudi Pudi Pudi Pudi Pudi
well well well
so i might have to postpone the potatoe diet but for a good reason, i have major sore throat which i kinda soothed with some tea right now but i can taste tlhat cold taste in the back of my throat. i hope it's so bad consumption of food will be extremely painful. my besty just had this cold it started the day she returned home and she lost like 3 kg in the past days from extreme sweating and lack of food consumption. she was like i'm 50.something kg right now. i'm like aww it'll come back don't worry. she knows my issues with food but she doesn't know how bad it is for me. in my head i was like (you lucky bitch and you want to gain weight, i wish i was there, i wish i had the luxury to wish for more weight). she doesn't know how triggering such low numbers can be for me, and she won't because i'm loving the motivation.
ok i know this is sick but sometimes when i eat foods i wish for food poisoning. i hope that something went wrong in the production and it's gone bad. i leave things out of the fridge to long on purpose (obviously only food that my mini-me doesn't consume). I know that's pretty sick. if i do have a boiled egg i'll purposely leave it undercooked just a bit in hopes maybe something to make me sick survives. Yeah I know this is totally the most retarded shit ever. But I never claimed to be sane. I know food poisoning isn't a joke, I mean I've never had it but plenty people I know have. truth be told i'm jealous of them. i feel really bad for them and wish i could transfer it to me, but not because i don't want them to suffer but because i want me to suffer.
ok this is sorta non related maybe some fellow parentals or people with the experience can help me out. sometime mini me comes to me and says she's a boy. i know sometimes she's just being silly because she'll say she's a girl but i don't know maybe she does feel like a boy. i don't wish transgenderedness (is that a word?) on my kid because i know people who do have it often have to go through great emotional pains but if that's how she feels i don't want to be like NOOOO YOU'RE A GIRL. i mean right now i'm like i thought you were a girl, this morning she replied no i'm a boy. i don't really know if i should write this off as 3 year old sillyness or what, because if she does feel that way i want her to feel the freedom to be who she is. am i overanalysing this because my parents didn't believe me about my depression when i was like 11 or 12 and wanted help. murrr...life is friggin hard man. i just want to skip through it all carefree. i know everyone has problems but all the peoples on facebook that i went to school with seem so content on the surface with their college degrees, husband/wives, traveling the world, and awesome paying jobs. here i am single mom (from a one-night stand they don't know that of course), living off welfare, shit load of debt, a stint in a mental hospital which my mom blabbed all over facebook and the world...i know it doesn't make me less of a person but does logic really win? if i was all about the logic food wouldn't control 99% of my thoughts, the number on the scale wouldn't be holy, and the toilet wouldn't be my homeboy....urghhh sorry guys i'm a bit frustrated.
well on to continue catching up on blogs, which i'm so late on sorry guys. even if i don't comment i promise i actually do read all your posts even if it takes me forever to catch up. i don't skip shit. i read every word, it's just sometimes my literary akwardness keeps me from posting comments.
after i'm done catching up on you guys i'm going to read at Random Anorexics which I read about on Honor's blog. apparently there's some beef with fatties and i'm bent on finding it. i love drama, that's why i watch reality shows ^_^
Well Stay strong
muah
and i hope to update more once again
ok i know this is sick but sometimes when i eat foods i wish for food poisoning. i hope that something went wrong in the production and it's gone bad. i leave things out of the fridge to long on purpose (obviously only food that my mini-me doesn't consume). I know that's pretty sick. if i do have a boiled egg i'll purposely leave it undercooked just a bit in hopes maybe something to make me sick survives. Yeah I know this is totally the most retarded shit ever. But I never claimed to be sane. I know food poisoning isn't a joke, I mean I've never had it but plenty people I know have. truth be told i'm jealous of them. i feel really bad for them and wish i could transfer it to me, but not because i don't want them to suffer but because i want me to suffer.
ok this is sorta non related maybe some fellow parentals or people with the experience can help me out. sometime mini me comes to me and says she's a boy. i know sometimes she's just being silly because she'll say she's a girl but i don't know maybe she does feel like a boy. i don't wish transgenderedness (is that a word?) on my kid because i know people who do have it often have to go through great emotional pains but if that's how she feels i don't want to be like NOOOO YOU'RE A GIRL. i mean right now i'm like i thought you were a girl, this morning she replied no i'm a boy. i don't really know if i should write this off as 3 year old sillyness or what, because if she does feel that way i want her to feel the freedom to be who she is. am i overanalysing this because my parents didn't believe me about my depression when i was like 11 or 12 and wanted help. murrr...life is friggin hard man. i just want to skip through it all carefree. i know everyone has problems but all the peoples on facebook that i went to school with seem so content on the surface with their college degrees, husband/wives, traveling the world, and awesome paying jobs. here i am single mom (from a one-night stand they don't know that of course), living off welfare, shit load of debt, a stint in a mental hospital which my mom blabbed all over facebook and the world...i know it doesn't make me less of a person but does logic really win? if i was all about the logic food wouldn't control 99% of my thoughts, the number on the scale wouldn't be holy, and the toilet wouldn't be my homeboy....urghhh sorry guys i'm a bit frustrated.
well on to continue catching up on blogs, which i'm so late on sorry guys. even if i don't comment i promise i actually do read all your posts even if it takes me forever to catch up. i don't skip shit. i read every word, it's just sometimes my literary akwardness keeps me from posting comments.
after i'm done catching up on you guys i'm going to read at Random Anorexics which I read about on Honor's blog. apparently there's some beef with fatties and i'm bent on finding it. i love drama, that's why i watch reality shows ^_^
Well Stay strong
muah
and i hope to update more once again
bad girl dylphe bad
ok so i'm scolding myself because
1. I have not posted in FOREVER
and
2. because i'm a fat glutton
I weighed myself at 75.5kg yesterday which is surprising because omg i've been the binge-monster come to life this past week and this week so far. anyway so since saturday night i've been feeling constipated and bloaty. in a bad way. sunday i couldn't even get up with out my whole lower body cramping up even peeing felt horrid. (i was not being the hostess with the mostest for my bestie, I bow down in apology (-_-) n(__)n) (TMI? i'm sorry but you know i like to keep it real lol) i'm still in pain. i haven't taken laxies in about 2 weeks so i don't know will 2 weeks of laxies do that to you? i don't know. well anyway monday i went to the pharmacy and told the lady i need some laxitives. this time it was for my actual ailment (ok weight loss is one too but you guys know what i mean) and she's like you just want something for one time that takes care of it quick, and i'm like yeah. so what do i get? oh the kind you stick up your butt. so i pushed it off all day but once mini me was in bed i went for it. it actually burned in my ass. worked immediatly and was no help at all. i'm not fucking with them any more. it's like giving my ass a temporary std. so yeah to this day i am still suffering and i've been eating like a pig thinking maybe if i put something in the top it'll like push that shit out. but no didn't work. so i'm not getting on the scale until this issue has been resolved.
so now i'm done with gorging my already bloaty constipated (hopefully no intestinal infection) ass. Starting tomorrow I'm doing the potatoe diet. Nothing but potatoes, seasonings, teas and MAYBE water. I loathe water I don't like the taste. don't come at me with the it has no taste. yes that fucker does have taste and me no likey. however i go through phases where i'm loving the H2O and where i'm hating it. i'm hoping for a loving it kinda vibe. i don't know how long i'm going to do it because if i say i'm doing it for a week i'll only do it tomorrow morning. i have to trick myself into thinking there are no rules. i've been feeling very anti-authority lately.
yeah so some of you may be hoping for update on the crazy party night. well at the club it was fun dancing and drinking until the blackouts. my friend told me i disappeared for an hour and a half and until last wednesday it was a complete mystery. because i sure as hell didn't (still don't) remember what happened. well anyway i get a call wednesday on my cell and the dude is like yeah did you lose your id. i'm like idk are you trying to get in touch with my friend (i'm thinking it's one of her friends who got my number because her phone had died). well anyway turns out i was the one. i was like i don't know i haven't needed it since then. he was like well you left it in my car. i'm like what when did that happen. he's like do you always get in cars with strange men. i'm like not normally i was pretty drunk quite a few black outs. he was like yeah we rode around in my car for like an hour and a half. *DING*DING*DING* missing hour and a half has returned not in my memory but we now know what happened. well needless to say thursday he drove all the way from the next city over (about 40 mins since it was evening) just to drop it off to me. yeah pretty cool. turns out i told him my life story and promised to cook for him. akward. well doesn't matter my friend was there at least. i don't plan on having any more contact with this guy because he's not my type. so if he wants to meet up hang out he's got my number. i don't call people. and that's not to sound stuck up but i really don't call people. i only call my mother, my besty and when i'm feeling really talkative my grandparents. oh yeah and i asked guy and there was apparently no sex. i don't think he would have lied about it, he seems like the guy who thinks that with stories like that sharing is caring.
enough on that
mini me finally has day care starting tomorrow we're going for short periods of time to get her used to it. i don't know how long that goes and then next year she'll go full time. can you believe how fast this year has gone by? this was supposed to be my year to get shit started and i guess i did. but wait where is my prince charming? where's the guy who'll hold me everynight? i guess 2010 into 2011 no kiss for me once again. it's ok it's not the end of the year quite yet.
ok sorry for the jumble of info but i really felt the need to share.
here's to me being strong on the potatoe diet
STAY STRONG
MUAH
oh and one new follower...THANK YOU
1. I have not posted in FOREVER
and
2. because i'm a fat glutton
I weighed myself at 75.5kg yesterday which is surprising because omg i've been the binge-monster come to life this past week and this week so far. anyway so since saturday night i've been feeling constipated and bloaty. in a bad way. sunday i couldn't even get up with out my whole lower body cramping up even peeing felt horrid. (i was not being the hostess with the mostest for my bestie, I bow down in apology (-_-) n(__)n) (TMI? i'm sorry but you know i like to keep it real lol) i'm still in pain. i haven't taken laxies in about 2 weeks so i don't know will 2 weeks of laxies do that to you? i don't know. well anyway monday i went to the pharmacy and told the lady i need some laxitives. this time it was for my actual ailment (ok weight loss is one too but you guys know what i mean) and she's like you just want something for one time that takes care of it quick, and i'm like yeah. so what do i get? oh the kind you stick up your butt. so i pushed it off all day but once mini me was in bed i went for it. it actually burned in my ass. worked immediatly and was no help at all. i'm not fucking with them any more. it's like giving my ass a temporary std. so yeah to this day i am still suffering and i've been eating like a pig thinking maybe if i put something in the top it'll like push that shit out. but no didn't work. so i'm not getting on the scale until this issue has been resolved.
so now i'm done with gorging my already bloaty constipated (hopefully no intestinal infection) ass. Starting tomorrow I'm doing the potatoe diet. Nothing but potatoes, seasonings, teas and MAYBE water. I loathe water I don't like the taste. don't come at me with the it has no taste. yes that fucker does have taste and me no likey. however i go through phases where i'm loving the H2O and where i'm hating it. i'm hoping for a loving it kinda vibe. i don't know how long i'm going to do it because if i say i'm doing it for a week i'll only do it tomorrow morning. i have to trick myself into thinking there are no rules. i've been feeling very anti-authority lately.
yeah so some of you may be hoping for update on the crazy party night. well at the club it was fun dancing and drinking until the blackouts. my friend told me i disappeared for an hour and a half and until last wednesday it was a complete mystery. because i sure as hell didn't (still don't) remember what happened. well anyway i get a call wednesday on my cell and the dude is like yeah did you lose your id. i'm like idk are you trying to get in touch with my friend (i'm thinking it's one of her friends who got my number because her phone had died). well anyway turns out i was the one. i was like i don't know i haven't needed it since then. he was like well you left it in my car. i'm like what when did that happen. he's like do you always get in cars with strange men. i'm like not normally i was pretty drunk quite a few black outs. he was like yeah we rode around in my car for like an hour and a half. *DING*DING*DING* missing hour and a half has returned not in my memory but we now know what happened. well needless to say thursday he drove all the way from the next city over (about 40 mins since it was evening) just to drop it off to me. yeah pretty cool. turns out i told him my life story and promised to cook for him. akward. well doesn't matter my friend was there at least. i don't plan on having any more contact with this guy because he's not my type. so if he wants to meet up hang out he's got my number. i don't call people. and that's not to sound stuck up but i really don't call people. i only call my mother, my besty and when i'm feeling really talkative my grandparents. oh yeah and i asked guy and there was apparently no sex. i don't think he would have lied about it, he seems like the guy who thinks that with stories like that sharing is caring.
enough on that
mini me finally has day care starting tomorrow we're going for short periods of time to get her used to it. i don't know how long that goes and then next year she'll go full time. can you believe how fast this year has gone by? this was supposed to be my year to get shit started and i guess i did. but wait where is my prince charming? where's the guy who'll hold me everynight? i guess 2010 into 2011 no kiss for me once again. it's ok it's not the end of the year quite yet.
ok sorry for the jumble of info but i really felt the need to share.
here's to me being strong on the potatoe diet
STAY STRONG
MUAH
oh and one new follower...THANK YOU
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Gomen
I've been super absent lately had people staying over all week my besties here this weekend. Promise to update you guys next week when i get time for myself again.
small update
still a fucking fat ass and haven't been able to b/p just been binging....it's love hate when company comes. damn food it should DIE
will catch up on blogs when i got time to
small update
still a fucking fat ass and haven't been able to b/p just been binging....it's love hate when company comes. damn food it should DIE
will catch up on blogs when i got time to
Saturday, November 20, 2010
bad girl
got super drunk last night, it's really just snapshots
took a guy home
bathed with him
dropped my cell in the bathtub
fucked him
smoked weed
did ecstasy
not all in that order
i don't know my weight
hope i burned lots of calories
i've decided to stick to mia but differently
i'm adicted to her it's love hate but you know what she's working for me at the moment
when i recover i'll make a better post as well as catch up
took a guy home
bathed with him
dropped my cell in the bathtub
fucked him
smoked weed
did ecstasy
not all in that order
i don't know my weight
hope i burned lots of calories
i've decided to stick to mia but differently
i'm adicted to her it's love hate but you know what she's working for me at the moment
when i recover i'll make a better post as well as catch up
Sunday, November 14, 2010
So restarting
once more been binging and popping laxies. not good i know. so today i've made this in an effort to start up my spreadsheet (I get my cals for unlabled foods from CalorieKing
my weight today was 166lbs (75.3kg) so it's up from the last time i checked in my weight. I'm going to start taking L-Carnitine capsules that I bought at a drug store here. It's supposed to turn fat into energy instead of letting it settle.
we'll see how it works. I'll make sure not to take in to much fat so it actually works on the fat in my body. You are supposed to produce it yourself or it can also be found in Lamb and Pork but I don't eat those.
I feel the discipline today let's hope it stays. The test comes when I'm cooking for mini-me.
Stay Strong
MUAH
my weight today was 166lbs (75.3kg) so it's up from the last time i checked in my weight. I'm going to start taking L-Carnitine capsules that I bought at a drug store here. It's supposed to turn fat into energy instead of letting it settle.
we'll see how it works. I'll make sure not to take in to much fat so it actually works on the fat in my body. You are supposed to produce it yourself or it can also be found in Lamb and Pork but I don't eat those.
I feel the discipline today let's hope it stays. The test comes when I'm cooking for mini-me.
Stay Strong
MUAH
Friday, November 12, 2010
horrible
did horrible today extremely horrible
b/p major
but at least that's all i had just the binge and liquids
^attempt at positivity
i found my thinspiration however
Tokyo Street Fashion
if you haven't figured it out yet i'm a total j-freak
anime, manga, doramas, music, fashion, language, etucah
but yeah it makes me want to work out, work on my hair bows (love making them) will probably start taking pictures once I get started again
japanese people's thinness kills my appetite and makes me want to reach my goal so i might just make some thinspo videos to post. the guys to they are hot so how could i expect to get someone like that being a whale? i can't so yeah thinspo thinspo thinspo
tomorrow is a new day not just is but it will be i need to start weighing and counting cals again
i'll try to stay in control but last night i was like you know i'm just going to hand myself over to mia...bad fucking idea that bitch is cunning
Phantom thanks once again for your comment it was also thinspirational
and guys you should follow her she's just starting her blog. hope you don't mind the linkage if you do let me know i'll remove it
anybody else need followers? let me know i'll link you, i mean i don't have a lot of followers but hey it's the help i can offer (*^_^*)
b/p major
but at least that's all i had just the binge and liquids
^attempt at positivity
i found my thinspiration however
Tokyo Street Fashion
if you haven't figured it out yet i'm a total j-freak
anime, manga, doramas, music, fashion, language, etucah
but yeah it makes me want to work out, work on my hair bows (love making them) will probably start taking pictures once I get started again
japanese people's thinness kills my appetite and makes me want to reach my goal so i might just make some thinspo videos to post. the guys to they are hot so how could i expect to get someone like that being a whale? i can't so yeah thinspo thinspo thinspo
tomorrow is a new day not just is but it will be i need to start weighing and counting cals again
i'll try to stay in control but last night i was like you know i'm just going to hand myself over to mia...bad fucking idea that bitch is cunning
Phantom thanks once again for your comment it was also thinspirational
and guys you should follow her she's just starting her blog. hope you don't mind the linkage if you do let me know i'll remove it
anybody else need followers? let me know i'll link you, i mean i don't have a lot of followers but hey it's the help i can offer (*^_^*)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
sooo....
yesterday my weight did not change at all. today i don't know because since I haven't been to the bathroom yet I can't step on the scale. until i've handled my morning business i just can't do it. it feels wrong then. i'm sure it's a gain yesterday i binged. i did well until i had to go to the grocery store and my kids pointing out the muffins and it was pretty much a downward spiral from there. some of it was purged a lot of it was not.
this is what i had but it may be triggering so i decided to make it unreadable unless you highlight so at your own risk:
lasagna
penne with gorgonzola sauce
1 chocolate & 2 chocolate chip muffins
2.5 pretzels with cream cheese
1 can of lobster soup tasted like lobster bisque with ravioli sauce (it was cheap so yeah)
a box of mozarella sticks
a box of jalapeno cheese nuggets
yeah so basically i did a major fail. i was supposed to go to an appointment for a lawyer to figure out the whole situation with mini-me's sperm donor but she's sick so i had to cancel
i hope i can be good today. i want to be good.
why mia is bad:
this is all i can think of for now but hopefully i can return to this list later to keep me from entering a b/p cycle though honestly i prefer b/p of just a binge.
well let me get this day started and once i've handled my b-room business i'll weigh myself which if it is a gain i won't be surprised i deserve that shit after yesterday. i can't seem to live the mid 70's and i really need to this is getting ridiculous time to enter the 60's it really is.
stay strong beauties
MUAH
and just so you know i'm still reading your blogs just i've been super typing lazy lately just know i love each and every one of you!!!!
this is what i had but it may be triggering so i decided to make it unreadable unless you highlight so at your own risk:
lasagna
penne with gorgonzola sauce
1 chocolate & 2 chocolate chip muffins
2.5 pretzels with cream cheese
1 can of lobster soup tasted like lobster bisque with ravioli sauce (it was cheap so yeah)
a box of mozarella sticks
a box of jalapeno cheese nuggets
yeah so basically i did a major fail. i was supposed to go to an appointment for a lawyer to figure out the whole situation with mini-me's sperm donor but she's sick so i had to cancel
i hope i can be good today. i want to be good.
why mia is bad:
- bad skin
- bad hair
- bad organs
- knuckle abuse
- loss of control
- anger (for me i get mad if i get interrupted during a binge. i just want to binge in peace)
- expensive
- failing ana
- greed
- unallowed foods
- eating foods designated for mini-me
- bloody vomit
- dead looking face (halloween is over don't you know)
- turning to laxitives (it's a recent developement i wanted to just clear out but i've noticed i'm liking this a bit to much but hell i'm a very substance dependent person and i know they don't help with calorie intake however i have two boxes and i know i'll feel the need to use them both up before i can stop it's the same with food i must eat all food in my house binge designated i can't just let it sit there. i really need to just stop buying it)
- dishes (more work for me)
- disgusting toilet
- chest pain
this is all i can think of for now but hopefully i can return to this list later to keep me from entering a b/p cycle though honestly i prefer b/p of just a binge.
well let me get this day started and once i've handled my b-room business i'll weigh myself which if it is a gain i won't be surprised i deserve that shit after yesterday. i can't seem to live the mid 70's and i really need to this is getting ridiculous time to enter the 60's it really is.
stay strong beauties
MUAH
and just so you know i'm still reading your blogs just i've been super typing lazy lately just know i love each and every one of you!!!!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Confusion
So today my weight is at 164.9lbs (74.8kg). Whaaat? I ate my weight in chocolate yesterday (not really but it was a lot, at least 1000cals just in chocolate). I did take laxies last night. Took about 9 hours to kick in. Recommended dosage is 1 or 2 so I took 2. Not as much as I was expecting came out but hey whatever I'm not mad.
I'm fitting into pants I haven't fit since summer.
So I've got to keep this one short, I have an appointment in an hour.
Stay Strong
MUAH
I'm fitting into pants I haven't fit since summer.
So I've got to keep this one short, I have an appointment in an hour.
Stay Strong
MUAH
Monday, November 8, 2010
Can't do it
step on the scale I mean. Although I just might later and cry. I was bad last night. Really bad and I couldn't even purge it all. I'm so disgusted with myself at the moment.
So on a side note my kid vomited in my bed last night. I actually decided to go to bed somewhat early and as I'm falling asleep my kid comes in and I'm like ok come sleep with me tonight. I'm almost asleep when I don't remember the exact details but she's sitting up next to me vomit all over my bed and herself. Is this a sign for me to stop? I mean she didn't self induce but still. So last night we slept in her bed together. Ugh it was so horrible. She doesn't have a fever though so I'm still trying to figure out what happened. Everything she ate I ate.
It's weird how I have no problems with my daughters vomit. I also think it's funny that I slept in her bed, shouldn't it be the other way around?
Yeah so last night interesting. I'm avoiding the scale today. I'm about to throw all the stuff into the washer and then straighten my hair and go buy these laxies. Pharmacy be damned. At least I have plenty around me since I live close to downtown so if I have to do multiple runs I'll be fine. I'm close to an anxiety attack already trying to figure out how I'm going to get these laxies. Pretend they're for someone else or be honest and say for me. I hate this damn system. Just let me buy them at the store. I'd say it's time for me to enter politics. Just kidding.
@Lola yeah on one end a cook would be nice but on the other the food freaks me out. But it's just at the writing back and forth stage right now where it could just end at any moment but I always what-if shit to death.
So on a side note my kid vomited in my bed last night. I actually decided to go to bed somewhat early and as I'm falling asleep my kid comes in and I'm like ok come sleep with me tonight. I'm almost asleep when I don't remember the exact details but she's sitting up next to me vomit all over my bed and herself. Is this a sign for me to stop? I mean she didn't self induce but still. So last night we slept in her bed together. Ugh it was so horrible. She doesn't have a fever though so I'm still trying to figure out what happened. Everything she ate I ate.
It's weird how I have no problems with my daughters vomit. I also think it's funny that I slept in her bed, shouldn't it be the other way around?
Yeah so last night interesting. I'm avoiding the scale today. I'm about to throw all the stuff into the washer and then straighten my hair and go buy these laxies. Pharmacy be damned. At least I have plenty around me since I live close to downtown so if I have to do multiple runs I'll be fine. I'm close to an anxiety attack already trying to figure out how I'm going to get these laxies. Pretend they're for someone else or be honest and say for me. I hate this damn system. Just let me buy them at the store. I'd say it's time for me to enter politics. Just kidding.
@Lola yeah on one end a cook would be nice but on the other the food freaks me out. But it's just at the writing back and forth stage right now where it could just end at any moment but I always what-if shit to death.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Ughhhhhhh
My weight went up. I'm at 166.7lbs (75.6kg) I mean we're talking about grams here but still not cool. Mia has failed me again. I'm glad.
Monday if I leave the house I'm buying laxitives. I was thinking of ordering some online from the UK on ebay because I just have the feeling German ones are just not as strong. I don't know but I feel weird going into the Pharmacy and saying something like "yo give me the strongest laxies you guys got!!!" I just feel like I haven't been shitting like I need to I want to empty my bowels out a bit. I know I could do a saltwater flush but the last time I did that I was in the bathroom for like 2 hours. I kid you not. That shit was painful and I was scared to go to sleep. What does it look like for a grown ass woman shitting herself in her sleep. Peeing would be bad enough.
So on a side note. I've been writing with this guy online who seems to be my type. Well anyway so today he tells me he's a cook. This is freaking me out. It's not even at a point where we're talking about meeting but the fact that he's a cook freaks me out. I already want to sabotage it before it even has any potential to get headed in that direction. This is why I'm still single. I'll always do or say something to make me seem undesirable (as if weight and a pregnancy deformed body wasn't enough). I'm going to wait on answering him. Get over this seemingly silly freak out. I couldn't find my Aerobics DVD so today I'm going to look on free videos online or podcasts or something. If I find anything I'll make sure to post it.
Stay Strong
MUAH
gotta love the military
and not just because i was a brat
http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/fit-for-duty/id271268914
there's a bunch of free exercise videos. as soon as mini me takes her nap it's on
http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/fit-for-duty/id271268914
there's a bunch of free exercise videos. as soon as mini me takes her nap it's on
Saturday, November 6, 2010
comfort
in Mia's arms....I shake my head. I'm disappointed. Me and my besty were talking and she was like you need an electric shocker on your toilet and I was like yeah it'll be like "Oh she's getting on her knees" AAAAAAAHHHH
yeah that would be awesome. Let's bring shock therapy back. I'm not leaving the house tomorrow so I'm hoping for a more restriction. If I could hold out one day I know I can truly leave Mia behind. As much as I like going out and doing stuff with friends, it makes me break my routines and return to Mia in an attempt to make it ok.
Ok I would just like to point out that I don't think Ana and Mia are real it's just personifying them makes it easier to explain my feelings toward my disordered eating. I still don't want to say ED because I'm not certified in that. I'm not diagnosed and so I don't feel the right to label myself bulimic or anorexic or EDNOS for that matter.
yeah so anyway not much to report I'm thinking of breaking out my step-aerobics dvd tonight but my body is kinda weak from the purging still.
a pic of my collar bones my only pride (somewhat) at the moment
gimme lung cancer j/k
yeah that would be awesome. Let's bring shock therapy back. I'm not leaving the house tomorrow so I'm hoping for a more restriction. If I could hold out one day I know I can truly leave Mia behind. As much as I like going out and doing stuff with friends, it makes me break my routines and return to Mia in an attempt to make it ok.
Ok I would just like to point out that I don't think Ana and Mia are real it's just personifying them makes it easier to explain my feelings toward my disordered eating. I still don't want to say ED because I'm not certified in that. I'm not diagnosed and so I don't feel the right to label myself bulimic or anorexic or EDNOS for that matter.
yeah so anyway not much to report I'm thinking of breaking out my step-aerobics dvd tonight but my body is kinda weak from the purging still.
a pic of my collar bones my only pride (somewhat) at the moment
gimme lung cancer j/k
Weight
<---Invisible Cake just what I need to eat!!! (^_^)So this morning my weight is at 165.6lbs (75.1kg) which is great because who doesn't appreciate the loss but after the 3 b/p sessions last night it just encourages that. I had another one after my post last night. Which is not good. It's like I leave Mia because she breaks her loss promises and then when I return for some reason or another she keeps her promise and lures me back in. I just want to say FUCK YOU. It's truly a love hate relationship with her.
I wonder am I the only one but I feel a sense of pride in my disordered eating. I don't want anyone to have these issues please believe. I wish it on no one and hope no one gets started, but somehow in my head I have this little voice telling me look what you can accomplish and na na na na na I've got a secret. When I actually pull through it makes me feel like I'm better than the non disordered. I know it's a totally sick way of looking at it because it bugs me that eating and consumption stays on my mind during all my waking hours. I plan on being strong when I go out of the house today and not buy any unnecessary foods. Only what I truly need. I want to try just living off liquids. Not a liquid fast though because I want to drink my soymilk shakes. So no true solids so to speak. Also I need to start exercising. I really do I have the DVD I don't really have any more excuses I've got room in my apartment. My Step Aerobics DVD and my stepper. I really want to start to. I'm just thinking of the extreme awesomeness of what my body will morph to with some exercise. When I was in the hospital since exercise was part of the therapy I looked a lot better my thighs were close to not touching I could feel my hip bones clearly when laying down. It was so comforting. So exercise makes a difference and I need to remember the great feeling afterwards. Plus it'll speed up weight loss. And the ultimate goal must be reached next year. I can't keep going back and forth. Plus there's a concert I'm going to next march (if everything works out) Girugamesh, and I need to look skinny. Japanese band, so yeah.
STAY STRONG
MUAH
Rammstein is on MTV right now had to think of you Lola hope you have the awesomest time at your concert in December
Friday, November 5, 2010
FAIL Ana, make Mia PROUD
OH man total failure. I wanted to leave Mia behind but somehow today I made a U-Turn and hauled myself right back into her arms. It started off good today. I had a liter of tea. Then somehow I ate bread with margarine and tomato. However I failed because I didn't weigh everything out. So I decided at that point, I just won't eat anything else and somehow everything will work out for today. It won't be over 400cals. However I had to go pick up a package from the post office today and well there was a bakery in the shopping center. I wanted to get mini-me a Pretzel but then I saw all the sweet goods in the display case and somehow Mia was whispering in my ear. "It's ok Dylphe just a bit and it can all come back up." I argued with her and had I not had that slow ass lady in front of me I might have resisted but it was enough time for her to convince me to go ahead and get 3 of this and 5 of that and 1 of those. I don't want to say what it was because I just feel like it might be to triggering.
And Lola yeah I totally understand the Döner obsession. I'm glad I didn't come past a shop on the way home because since I already decided to binge there would have been no holding me back.
This is the sickest thing ever. This is why I don't like leaving the house. Kinda like in Skins when chicky says to Cassie "You want to go outside? There's food out there!!!" My sentiments exactly. I hate this. I wanted to say bye bye to Mia, I never wanted to see her again. I did well for two weeks. A record really. Can I do it again? I don't know. I have to leave the house again tomorrow, I have to buy a house phone since I still haven't found mine. God I hate this shit. I hate it, I hate it. I just want to restrict. I want to say tomorrow's another day but that's not good enough. That's like making what I did today ok. Which it wasn't. I think I vomited some blood to.. There was some red in there and I didn't eat anything red. Except for the tomatoes this morning but I doubt they'd still be in there after 8-9 hours. It's not the first time I've seen red in my vomit, however I always told myself it must have been something I ate. I can't ignore it anymore. I need to scare myself off of this habit. I have a daughter to live for, the reason I went into the psych ward earlier this year. I cannot die because I vomited. Seriously. That is just retarded. (you know what i mean)
Avani I wish I would've read your comment before the binge it probably would have stopped me but I binged then got on the computer
And Lola yeah I totally understand the Döner obsession. I'm glad I didn't come past a shop on the way home because since I already decided to binge there would have been no holding me back.
This is the sickest thing ever. This is why I don't like leaving the house. Kinda like in Skins when chicky says to Cassie "You want to go outside? There's food out there!!!" My sentiments exactly. I hate this. I wanted to say bye bye to Mia, I never wanted to see her again. I did well for two weeks. A record really. Can I do it again? I don't know. I have to leave the house again tomorrow, I have to buy a house phone since I still haven't found mine. God I hate this shit. I hate it, I hate it. I just want to restrict. I want to say tomorrow's another day but that's not good enough. That's like making what I did today ok. Which it wasn't. I think I vomited some blood to.. There was some red in there and I didn't eat anything red. Except for the tomatoes this morning but I doubt they'd still be in there after 8-9 hours. It's not the first time I've seen red in my vomit, however I always told myself it must have been something I ate. I can't ignore it anymore. I need to scare myself off of this habit. I have a daughter to live for, the reason I went into the psych ward earlier this year. I cannot die because I vomited. Seriously. That is just retarded. (you know what i mean)
Avani I wish I would've read your comment before the binge it probably would have stopped me but I binged then got on the computer
Restart once again
WARNING THERE WILL BE A FOOD PICTURE POSTED SO IF IT TRIGGERS I'M SORRY. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!!!!
Yeah I totally got off track with Halloween. It's rather ridiculous. Before I get into the Halloween part I'm posting the regular.
An incredible weight gain. I am this morning at 168.9lbs (76.6kg). WTF right? No not what the fuck, it's you deserve this shit fatty. Eating over a 1000 cals these past few days, not drinking enough liquids. All because you fucked up on sunday night coming back from the club...more on that later.
My thing is that I have to follow a certain routine every day in order to be completely successful. I know what works for me and I need to do that every day. The problem is when I stray and I can't follow this routine I get off track. It starts with leaving one thing off the list and ends with me eating to much shit. I mean really my routine is not that hard to follow. It's quite simple really.
Morning:
1L of tea
Lunch:
Food or Soy Shake
Dinner:
1L of tea or something liquid
Sleep
I mean is that really that hard? I didn't think so. But I stray, or better yet strayed. I'll just have to plan any discrepancies in way ahead of time so I can make the proper adjustments.
So Halloween it was AWESOME, on the party front. I drank plenty of Vodka Energy and Cosmos. Honestly I don't even want to know the calorie count. I was drunk but at least the night didn't end like the last time I drank with my whole hand down my throat and my besty there to witness.
Well I ended up once again admitting to Ana. But I did try to explain (I was drunk though) how Ana is much better than Mia. I told one of my friends that I wish I was as thin as her (she's underweight stick thin and wants to gain), and she was like No you are great at the size you are blah blah blah. I was just thinking in my head I love you and all but bitch you're not the one looking like a whale in every picture we take together.
So anyway this is where the night went wrong on the way back from the club we stopped and had Döners.
I'm including a picture so it could be triggering.
Me being drunk I'
m walking around with all this meat and yogurt sauce talking about "Guys the funny thing is I'm actually vegan". I do lots of stupid shit when I'm drunk. People think I'm retarded sober? catch me drunk.
So I ate all that crap on the drunk munchies. I hate drunk munchies.
Then once we get back we go to this dudes house (my besty's neighbor) and watch youtube videos. Angry black man at walmart. which really wasn't that funny sober the next day. Anyway so dude passes around a j. I'm not sure if it was green or brown. Either way without thinking I smoked. I know I never should have again but on one hand I'm glad I did. It showed me, I don't want it anymore. It wasn't all that great. I just had killer cotton mouth and nothing to drink. Maybe I should have smoked it before I ate because it's still an appetite killer which on that end does make it appealing to me. Yeah but that Döner is what sent me on a downwards path of eating these past few days. It seems so simple you fuck up and then you fix it the next day. But my whole routine got fucked. I hate that I need to do the same shit every day.
In other news...there aren't any really I'm getting back on track.
I have a new follower. yay. thank you. I'm actually reading through your blog now.
Yeah I totally got off track with Halloween. It's rather ridiculous. Before I get into the Halloween part I'm posting the regular.
An incredible weight gain. I am this morning at 168.9lbs (76.6kg). WTF right? No not what the fuck, it's you deserve this shit fatty. Eating over a 1000 cals these past few days, not drinking enough liquids. All because you fucked up on sunday night coming back from the club...more on that later.
My thing is that I have to follow a certain routine every day in order to be completely successful. I know what works for me and I need to do that every day. The problem is when I stray and I can't follow this routine I get off track. It starts with leaving one thing off the list and ends with me eating to much shit. I mean really my routine is not that hard to follow. It's quite simple really.
Morning:
1L of tea
Lunch:
Food or Soy Shake
Dinner:
1L of tea or something liquid
Sleep
I mean is that really that hard? I didn't think so. But I stray, or better yet strayed. I'll just have to plan any discrepancies in way ahead of time so I can make the proper adjustments.
So Halloween it was AWESOME, on the party front. I drank plenty of Vodka Energy and Cosmos. Honestly I don't even want to know the calorie count. I was drunk but at least the night didn't end like the last time I drank with my whole hand down my throat and my besty there to witness.
Well I ended up once again admitting to Ana. But I did try to explain (I was drunk though) how Ana is much better than Mia. I told one of my friends that I wish I was as thin as her (she's underweight stick thin and wants to gain), and she was like No you are great at the size you are blah blah blah. I was just thinking in my head I love you and all but bitch you're not the one looking like a whale in every picture we take together.
So anyway this is where the night went wrong on the way back from the club we stopped and had Döners.
I'm including a picture so it could be triggering.
Me being drunk I'
m walking around with all this meat and yogurt sauce talking about "Guys the funny thing is I'm actually vegan". I do lots of stupid shit when I'm drunk. People think I'm retarded sober? catch me drunk.So I ate all that crap on the drunk munchies. I hate drunk munchies.
Then once we get back we go to this dudes house (my besty's neighbor) and watch youtube videos. Angry black man at walmart. which really wasn't that funny sober the next day. Anyway so dude passes around a j. I'm not sure if it was green or brown. Either way without thinking I smoked. I know I never should have again but on one hand I'm glad I did. It showed me, I don't want it anymore. It wasn't all that great. I just had killer cotton mouth and nothing to drink. Maybe I should have smoked it before I ate because it's still an appetite killer which on that end does make it appealing to me. Yeah but that Döner is what sent me on a downwards path of eating these past few days. It seems so simple you fuck up and then you fix it the next day. But my whole routine got fucked. I hate that I need to do the same shit every day.
In other news...there aren't any really I'm getting back on track.
I have a new follower. yay. thank you. I'm actually reading through your blog now.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
urrrgh
So morning weight was 161.8lbs (73.4kg). As predicted the weight went up.
As far as food intake I feel like a glutton.
Chai Tea Latte (Tall)~ 170cals
Rice Tofu Stuff already prepackaged (250g)~ 576cals
Coke Zero~ 0cals
Total~ 746cals
Today wasn't a lack of control even if I feel like it. I'm going to be drinking tomorrow so I want to get my body used to extra calories. I'm going to a halloween party tomorrow. I'm so excited Halloween is awesome. Depending on how fat I look I'll post pictures.
I did a lot of walking today though so hopefully I burned a lot of calories. I went to a trade show.
Stay strong
muah
As far as food intake I feel like a glutton.
Chai Tea Latte (Tall)~ 170cals
Rice Tofu Stuff already prepackaged (250g)~ 576cals
Coke Zero~ 0cals
Total~ 746cals
Today wasn't a lack of control even if I feel like it. I'm going to be drinking tomorrow so I want to get my body used to extra calories. I'm going to a halloween party tomorrow. I'm so excited Halloween is awesome. Depending on how fat I look I'll post pictures.
I did a lot of walking today though so hopefully I burned a lot of calories. I went to a trade show.
Stay strong
muah
Friday, October 29, 2010
And Today...
watched two interesting documentaries
Why Are Thin People Not Fat
How To Be Slim
hope the links work if not I found them on the YouTube Channel from annawillpower.
Today I ate
Bread(35g)~75.25cals
w/Margarine(9g)~ 56.7cals
&Tomato(65g)~ 12cals
Total~ 143.95cals
Soy-Rice Milk(500mL)~235cals
w/Raspberries(100g)~33cals
Total~ 268cals
Coke Zero~ 0cals
Grand Total~411.95
Why does that number look huge to me?
I feel like I only should've had the shake.
Going to be walking around a lot tomorrow so here's to burning calories.
I have a feeling my weight will have gone up...I can't seem to shit must remember to put flaxseeds in my shake tomorrow!!!
Why Are Thin People Not Fat
How To Be Slim
hope the links work if not I found them on the YouTube Channel from annawillpower.
Today I ate
Bread(35g)~75.25cals
w/Margarine(9g)~ 56.7cals
&Tomato(65g)~ 12cals
Total~ 143.95cals
Soy-Rice Milk(500mL)~235cals
w/Raspberries(100g)~33cals
Total~ 268cals
Coke Zero~ 0cals
Grand Total~411.95
Why does that number look huge to me?
I feel like I only should've had the shake.
Going to be walking around a lot tomorrow so here's to burning calories.
I have a feeling my weight will have gone up...I can't seem to shit must remember to put flaxseeds in my shake tomorrow!!!
oh yeah
Weight on my untrustworthy scale 160.9lbs (73kg).
That makes me happy. I think I'll stick to this scale until I hit my UGW and then if my scale is to low it'll be less of a hit to my motivation. In the back of my mind I know it's probably wrong but right now I need this drop in weight to keep me going. Psychological tricks against myself. Although I do want certainty but I just can't afford certainty right now.
I drank more yesterday and didn't eat bread or anything. I think I'll leave bread, rice, and potatoes out of my evening diet. Or I'll just stick to liquids, soy shakes, and salads.
Anyway off to a new day.
Stay Strong
MUAH
That makes me happy. I think I'll stick to this scale until I hit my UGW and then if my scale is to low it'll be less of a hit to my motivation. In the back of my mind I know it's probably wrong but right now I need this drop in weight to keep me going. Psychological tricks against myself. Although I do want certainty but I just can't afford certainty right now.
I drank more yesterday and didn't eat bread or anything. I think I'll leave bread, rice, and potatoes out of my evening diet. Or I'll just stick to liquids, soy shakes, and salads.
Anyway off to a new day.
Stay Strong
MUAH
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Food and Weight
This morning my weight was 74.4kg so a slight increase. I'm going to blame it on the tiny amount of liquids I consumed yesterday be angry and get over it.
Today I had
254g of Pineapple~ 127cals (glad I reweighed it because the packaging said 240g)
Coke Zero~0 cals
Soy-Rice Milk (250ml 117.5cals) & Blueberries (65g 20.8cals)~ 138.3 cals
Salad with Lettuce (20g 3cals), Tomatoes (71g 13cals), Tofu (98g 117.6cals) and salt, pepper and vinegar (0 cals)~133.6cals
Total 398.9 cals consumed
I'm done for the day...should I fuck up I'll post a new entry
Stay Strong
MUAH
Today I had
254g of Pineapple~ 127cals (glad I reweighed it because the packaging said 240g)
Coke Zero~0 cals
Soy-Rice Milk (250ml 117.5cals) & Blueberries (65g 20.8cals)~ 138.3 cals
Salad with Lettuce (20g 3cals), Tomatoes (71g 13cals), Tofu (98g 117.6cals) and salt, pepper and vinegar (0 cals)~133.6cals
Total 398.9 cals consumed
I'm done for the day...should I fuck up I'll post a new entry
Stay Strong
MUAH
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Intake (will get edited should anything else be consumed)
2 pieces of chocolate turns out only~ 44 cals
Bread (165.7) with Soy Margerine (50.4) with Lettuce (6)~ 222.1 cals
Coke Zero~ 0
Total so far~ 266.1
Maybe I'm weird but even if I'm careful of counting all the cals separate like in the sandwich I'm always paranoid that by them combining the total cal count will go up higher like by combining more cals are created...I'm seriously thinking of separating everything in the future to not let my food touch. If someone could convince me that it's not the case please do so...on one side I feel crazy but on the other it feels logical
Bread (165.7) with Soy Margerine (50.4) with Lettuce (6)~ 222.1 cals
Coke Zero~ 0
Total so far~ 266.1
Maybe I'm weird but even if I'm careful of counting all the cals separate like in the sandwich I'm always paranoid that by them combining the total cal count will go up higher like by combining more cals are created...I'm seriously thinking of separating everything in the future to not let my food touch. If someone could convince me that it's not the case please do so...on one side I feel crazy but on the other it feels logical
First Dizzy Spell
Aside from 2 pieces of chocolate (60 cals<--waste of cals seriously) and a bit of coke zero i've had nothing else today. So I'm following mini me to her room I get so dizzy i barely know where I am then i find the arm rest to the couch, sit and my body just jerks around a bit trying to find its center. WTF. Still I'm not hungry and I refuse to eat unless I am... Also I'm super proud I went grocery shopping today and only bought mini me's snacks and 2 bags of iceberg lettuce, pack of tomatoes, a cucumber, some bread and 2x 2L Coke Zero oh and Soy Milk light only 29cals for 100ml...AWESOME 
New Weight
So I just took a shit (sorry for the TMI) and I was like ok let me weigh myself again, and then when I stepped on the scale it was all crooked and uneven so I evened it out with my Microwaves instructions book and low and behold 163.4lbs (74.1kg) whaat. I feel so much better and so much more motivated. However I now have doubts about my weight because I'm not sure as to how correct my scale actually is. I mean it stands evenly now and doesn't teeter totter from side to side, and I can't afford a new one. What I'll do is stick to the weight that's on there now and if I should have a surplus of money I'll buy a new scale.
Weight
@Lola, yeah I know I lost a kilo in a short time honestly I think it's water weight because today I stepped on the scale it was
165.1lbs (74.9kg) I'm actually a bit disappointed I was hoping for more but I honestly didn't drink enough yesterday.
Yesterday I had:
Chocolate
Soy-Rice/Raspberry Shake
Tea
A jar of baby food Apple Banana
495 cals total
I don't know I was expecting more but if this headache is anything to go by I know I'm not drinking enough. I need to drink more. I know this. It's hard. I hate living in Germany when it comes to no-cal drinks. Coke-Zero is all good but the added Caffeine keeps me from going to sleep at night. Murrrrrrrrrrrr
Well anyway it's time to get ready and start handling business. So much to do today. I have to get my meds from the pharmacy, hope they have them and I don't have to wait.
165.1lbs (74.9kg) I'm actually a bit disappointed I was hoping for more but I honestly didn't drink enough yesterday.
Yesterday I had:
Chocolate
Soy-Rice/Raspberry Shake
Tea
A jar of baby food Apple Banana
495 cals total
I don't know I was expecting more but if this headache is anything to go by I know I'm not drinking enough. I need to drink more. I know this. It's hard. I hate living in Germany when it comes to no-cal drinks. Coke-Zero is all good but the added Caffeine keeps me from going to sleep at night. Murrrrrrrrrrrr
Well anyway it's time to get ready and start handling business. So much to do today. I have to get my meds from the pharmacy, hope they have them and I don't have to wait.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Weigh In
So this morning my weight is at
165.6lbs （75.1kg）
I am so happy. This reaffirms my restriction. Gives me strength to continue. Right now I'm just going to restrict, restrict, restrict, until the scale starts stalling a bit. Then I'll give myself a higher calorie day. I think for now staying under 500cals is the best choice for me. I'm going to ease myself into less and a possible fast. I think I'd just set myself up for failure if I tried to do a fast or something. I'm just getting out of a no-control/binge phase.
Yesterdays post helped with the no binging I was actually thinking of your comment Avani saying to post when a binge is coming on. It worked. Thanks
So guys my tea is done steeping
Stay Strong
MUAH
165.6lbs （75.1kg）
I am so happy. This reaffirms my restriction. Gives me strength to continue. Right now I'm just going to restrict, restrict, restrict, until the scale starts stalling a bit. Then I'll give myself a higher calorie day. I think for now staying under 500cals is the best choice for me. I'm going to ease myself into less and a possible fast. I think I'd just set myself up for failure if I tried to do a fast or something. I'm just getting out of a no-control/binge phase.
Yesterdays post helped with the no binging I was actually thinking of your comment Avani saying to post when a binge is coming on. It worked. Thanks
So guys my tea is done steeping
Stay Strong
MUAH
Monday, October 25, 2010
DON'T EAT
I'm trying hard not to eat. I feel hungry now. I need to embrace this feeling. I'm blogging right now so I don't go in the kitchen and look for something to eat. That would be dangerous.
NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!!
I don't ever want to binge again. I want to loose all the fat and excess weight. I want to be thin. I want visible bones. I want to be happy. I want to embrace this hunger and fall in love with it again. I'm just imagining that while I feel the hunger fat is being eaten up from my gut, back, thighs, arms, face, etc.
I just want everyone to know I'm still reading blogs I know I haven't been commenting much lately. I'm sorry it just seems that I can't seem to always find the right words in response to your blogs.
Supernatural is coming on so I'll say good-night and I'm going to sleep after wards. Can't eat while I sleep. And I'm going to enjoy this hungry feeling because it means I'm doing the right thing, I'm following the right path. I'm hoping to work my way to a fast. Of course I'm taking it slow I'm just getting my control back.
Bye Bye Mia, Hello Ana
Stay Strong
MUAH
NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!! NO MORE BINGING!!!
I don't ever want to binge again. I want to loose all the fat and excess weight. I want to be thin. I want visible bones. I want to be happy. I want to embrace this hunger and fall in love with it again. I'm just imagining that while I feel the hunger fat is being eaten up from my gut, back, thighs, arms, face, etc.
I just want everyone to know I'm still reading blogs I know I haven't been commenting much lately. I'm sorry it just seems that I can't seem to always find the right words in response to your blogs.
Supernatural is coming on so I'll say good-night and I'm going to sleep after wards. Can't eat while I sleep. And I'm going to enjoy this hungry feeling because it means I'm doing the right thing, I'm following the right path. I'm hoping to work my way to a fast. Of course I'm taking it slow I'm just getting my control back.
Bye Bye Mia, Hello Ana
Stay Strong
MUAH
Intake
Total Intake
Potatoes with Apple Red Cabbage~ 400cals (which is a guesstimate because I fried the potatoes with a bit of maple syrup and oil so I rounded up a bit)
Tea~ 30 cals
Chocolate~137cals
Total 567
yaay under 600 it's been so long since I've kept it so low. It's about damn time. I'm back to stay this time. I'm glad there won't be thanksgiving since fahja ain't here. Events like that make my control falter.
I actually put my food scale to use and weighed everything.
Threw my daughters dinner leftovers away (bread w/ cream cheese)
I got this blogger award for pro-ana blogs. It's awesome and I feel honored but I seriously wonder about their criteria.
Stay Strong
MUAH
Potatoes with Apple Red Cabbage~ 400cals (which is a guesstimate because I fried the potatoes with a bit of maple syrup and oil so I rounded up a bit)
Tea~ 30 cals
Chocolate~137cals
Total 567
yaay under 600 it's been so long since I've kept it so low. It's about damn time. I'm back to stay this time. I'm glad there won't be thanksgiving since fahja ain't here. Events like that make my control falter.
I actually put my food scale to use and weighed everything.
Threw my daughters dinner leftovers away (bread w/ cream cheese)
I got this blogger award for pro-ana blogs. It's awesome and I feel honored but I seriously wonder about their criteria.
Stay Strong
MUAH
おはよ
So my weight has gone down once more. This is so motivating.
Just got off the scale I'm 167.8lbs (76.1kg).
Yaay. Ok obviously this isn't my goal weight however I'm finally back on track.
I didn't update this weekend because I stayed at with my lovely grandparents at my moms house since they are returning home on tomorrow. Today I'll be spending more time with them and then that's it. However it's been not so hard controlling my eating, and I really hope it stays that way. Since I just woke up and my brain's still zombie-ish I don't know what to write anymore. I'm gonna make my tea.
Stay Strong
MUAH
Just got off the scale I'm 167.8lbs (76.1kg).
Yaay. Ok obviously this isn't my goal weight however I'm finally back on track.
I didn't update this weekend because I stayed at with my lovely grandparents at my moms house since they are returning home on tomorrow. Today I'll be spending more time with them and then that's it. However it's been not so hard controlling my eating, and I really hope it stays that way. Since I just woke up and my brain's still zombie-ish I don't know what to write anymore. I'm gonna make my tea.
Stay Strong
MUAH
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Renee Zellweger....
is freaking hot in Chicago.I watched the movie last night and just had to post some pictures.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Scale is going doooooooown
i'm excited today I'm at 168.4lbs(76.4kg) which is exciting I know I wanted to count cals but since I was to lazy to cook I ordered out so I didn't know the cals I had a salad some bruschetta and some pizza for dinner. It was almost like a binge I felt bad but at the same time the scale didn't retaliate.
I started taking my meds again and please remind me as to why I ever stopped...total appetite killer. or maybe because i'm starting up again. my therapist ripped me a new one about not taking my meds. I don't like him to much anymore so i didn't tell him about mia also he didn't really ask me if i had anything to say.
anyway i've been doing good without her.
so my couch came yesterday...i even have to put that shit together. WTF are you serious?? so I didn't succeed because some of the pieces are to heavy for me to lift hold and get into the right spots to get the screws in so my grandpa is helping me today. i'll be sleeping at my moms house tonight with mini me because she's gone overnight and my grandparents are going back home tuesday and we just wanna spend some time together.
okay gotta go clean up a bit and drink my morning tea
stay strong
muah
I started taking my meds again and please remind me as to why I ever stopped...total appetite killer. or maybe because i'm starting up again. my therapist ripped me a new one about not taking my meds. I don't like him to much anymore so i didn't tell him about mia also he didn't really ask me if i had anything to say.
anyway i've been doing good without her.
so my couch came yesterday...i even have to put that shit together. WTF are you serious?? so I didn't succeed because some of the pieces are to heavy for me to lift hold and get into the right spots to get the screws in so my grandpa is helping me today. i'll be sleeping at my moms house tonight with mini me because she's gone overnight and my grandparents are going back home tuesday and we just wanna spend some time together.
okay gotta go clean up a bit and drink my morning tea
stay strong
muah
Friday, October 22, 2010
A new day starts with a new layout
After so much drama with my stove I am now officially starting over.
Today is going to be a good day and not just because I'm finally getting my couch delivered.
So to the interesting part
Today's weight: 170.9lbs (77.5kg)
I wish it was lower but hey if I didn't I wouldn't be motivated. I don't really have any high cal foods in the house so I'm good. I'll be mostly drinking soy-rice milk with some fruit. I bought blue berries, strawberries and raspberries. I'm pretty excited. Food will probably be something along the lines of potatoes and veggies and maybe tofu. So plain but good.
Anything I eat today I plan on writing down so I can keep my eye on my calorie intake again.
Well I'm going to go make a liter of tea and then go on unpacking boxes and such.
Stay Strong
MUAH
Today is going to be a good day and not just because I'm finally getting my couch delivered.
So to the interesting part
Today's weight: 170.9lbs (77.5kg)
I wish it was lower but hey if I didn't I wouldn't be motivated. I don't really have any high cal foods in the house so I'm good. I'll be mostly drinking soy-rice milk with some fruit. I bought blue berries, strawberries and raspberries. I'm pretty excited. Food will probably be something along the lines of potatoes and veggies and maybe tofu. So plain but good.
Anything I eat today I plan on writing down so I can keep my eye on my calorie intake again.
Well I'm going to go make a liter of tea and then go on unpacking boxes and such.
Stay Strong
MUAH
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
My new ringtone
so i downloaded this bands called The Piass' music because i heard some of their stuff liked it. they happened to have a song called fat fetishism i set it as my ringtone then i was like well this song is awesome so i decided to look it up and well wow so fitting:
Oh very FAT go on eating forever
not satisfy a hunger
bound flabby breathe very feebly
go up and down the stairs
So FAT go on increase forever
can't stop gain weight
reveal the big belly
watching MTV on couch
Oh very FAT go on eating hard
not satisfy a glutton
eating and sleeping
don't have an ounce of do exercise
So FAT go on increase very hard
a miracle cell
can't even see my own genitals
without mirror
I am FAT I want to lose weight
but I want to eat
what should I do for lose weight
I know the grammar is a ｂit off however it's a japanese band, give them some slack.
A new day tomorrow so excited. still having problems with the oven on my stove but now i have to go finish my kitchen and living room.
Oh very FAT go on eating forever
not satisfy a hunger
bound flabby breathe very feebly
go up and down the stairs
So FAT go on increase forever
can't stop gain weight
reveal the big belly
watching MTV on couch
Oh very FAT go on eating hard
not satisfy a glutton
eating and sleeping
don't have an ounce of do exercise
So FAT go on increase very hard
a miracle cell
can't even see my own genitals
without mirror
I am FAT I want to lose weight
but I want to eat
what should I do for lose weight
I know the grammar is a ｂit off however it's a japanese band, give them some slack.
A new day tomorrow so excited. still having problems with the oven on my stove but now i have to go finish my kitchen and living room.
100th Post
ok so this is post 100 which is the main reason why it has taken me so long to update this blog i wanted it to be special and not filled with whining.
i'm currently waiting to get in to see my shrink the question is how honest will i be about MIA hmmmmm... we'll see however this isn't what i want this blog to be about.
So on to the good things:
1. my stove is finally supposed to get hooked up today. it was delivered monday and the delivery boys couldn't hook it up because of a missing cable then they were supposed to send someone that day but they never came i call tuesday they can't make it happen until today. oh well it's happening today i'm happy because it means a complete kitchen finally yippee!!!!!!
2. i'm grabbing control by the neck and choking that bitch until she complies. i'm going to restart over and that means COMING SOON a new page layout and stuff my goals and stuff aren't changing however i need to change stuff around so i can get back to where i was when i first started this thing. now with my completed kitchen i don't have any more excuses. it's the first time i'm excited about grocery shopping in a long time because i can actually buy preparable stuff.
3. I was somewhere around 76 kg so no longer 78-79-80ish phew its coming together
4. Mia has lost some control over me i'm not binging recently
so many happy news but i know it's not luck it's iron willed control and i have to get it back and keep it. without mia and right now i'm walking away from her and i haven't so much as glanced back.
i might post tonight to update you guys on everything else but can't promise since i'm doing lots of unpacking because my couch is coming friday
i'm currently waiting to get in to see my shrink the question is how honest will i be about MIA hmmmmm... we'll see however this isn't what i want this blog to be about.
So on to the good things:
1. my stove is finally supposed to get hooked up today. it was delivered monday and the delivery boys couldn't hook it up because of a missing cable then they were supposed to send someone that day but they never came i call tuesday they can't make it happen until today. oh well it's happening today i'm happy because it means a complete kitchen finally yippee!!!!!!
2. i'm grabbing control by the neck and choking that bitch until she complies. i'm going to restart over and that means COMING SOON a new page layout and stuff my goals and stuff aren't changing however i need to change stuff around so i can get back to where i was when i first started this thing. now with my completed kitchen i don't have any more excuses. it's the first time i'm excited about grocery shopping in a long time because i can actually buy preparable stuff.
3. I was somewhere around 76 kg so no longer 78-79-80ish phew its coming together
4. Mia has lost some control over me i'm not binging recently
so many happy news but i know it's not luck it's iron willed control and i have to get it back and keep it. without mia and right now i'm walking away from her and i haven't so much as glanced back.
i might post tonight to update you guys on everything else but can't promise since i'm doing lots of unpacking because my couch is coming friday
Thursday, October 14, 2010
wow
my first binge free day in i don't know how long.
well today i had a salad
2 slices off a small pizza (24cm diameter)
3 pieces of bruschetta
1/4 pear
and that's it. whaaaaaat
i mean reading it it's a lot but seriously that's nothing compared to the past few weeks.
then this evening i reread my old blog entries filled with discipline and calorie counting. i'm going to regain those days. starting monday i'll have a full kitchen. only thing missing now is the stove. welcome back healthy food, good bye quick fixes. welcome food scale.
i'm excited.
well today i had a salad
2 slices off a small pizza (24cm diameter)
3 pieces of bruschetta
1/4 pear
and that's it. whaaaaaat
i mean reading it it's a lot but seriously that's nothing compared to the past few weeks.
then this evening i reread my old blog entries filled with discipline and calorie counting. i'm going to regain those days. starting monday i'll have a full kitchen. only thing missing now is the stove. welcome back healthy food, good bye quick fixes. welcome food scale.
i'm excited.
murrr
so basically i still can't leave the b/p cycle. i always tell myself just do it, but I can't seem to just do it. why? i don't know. I don't even know when a binge is coming anymore I just get up and get a shitload of food. i can resist buying it now but i'll just look for anything i can find. it sucks ass cheeks seriously.
since it's morning now i hope to keep my discipline
since it's morning now i hope to keep my discipline
Saturday, October 9, 2010
i wish
my friend made this of me...I wish I had that body, I think she used a funny pic of me b/c I look kinda disgusted maybe I'm looking at my fat self lol.
So I still can't control my binge and purges except today I planned to binge AND purge but it turned into just a binge. I couldn't purge. it wouldn't come up. i tried and tried chugged water like i was about to enter the desert for a few days without supplies. it just wouldn't come out. i stuck my hand so deep down my throat and nothing. just a bit of water. wtf. i'm glad i didn't have any vomit inducing agents because today i would have went for it. i'm seriously considering laxatives. but i can't get any until monday because here in germany everything is closed on sundays...dammit. i have some flax seed i know they are high cal but fuck it i'm about to drink them with some soy-rice milk tonight and probably all day tomorrow. it feels so disgusting to have this in me.
i need to stop this vicious cycle and i know for a fact that the only way to do that is to just stop. kinda like when i got tired of being a fat ass and just decided i was going to actually loose weight. nothing is going to happen until we start right?
i want to feel hungry again. i did so well during the day to. i turned down eating with my mom and grandparents. they didn't say anything my mom just bitched about how she had to eat food prepared with soy margarine instead of butter...bitch you know you didn't taste a difference...bitching to be bitching i tell ya. evening came and failure approached. i can even feel it taking over my life. i don't want to deal with people because i can't binge when i'm out.
i had a friend spend the night a few days ago i hated it. i couldn't do a b/p session. i mean looking back it makes me happy but still this is why it needs to go. getting out of eating is easier still because i'm not skinny so people are still like it's ok. well my grandpa was saying i need to eat but i just said i'm not hungry and my grandma said "if she doesn't want to she doesn't need to, let her do her thing she's been doing so well loosing weight" why do people think i lost weight? bitches i've gained weight and not an insignificant amount either.
i went to visit my besty yesterday it was awesome. she knows about my mia habits and i told her i wanted to get help, she's happy. she wanted me to stop always but she's the type who understands stopping ain't happening until the person wants it. i love her so much. i wish i actually lived near her i know i could stop with her help because she would totally kick my ass (not really but you know what i mean) and be on me because she'd know i'm trying to quit.
anyway sorry i haven't commented but i've been reading
love all you guys
stay strong
MUAH
Thursday, October 7, 2010
ok i need to clear something up about the 650
at the end it said 650 cals a week i meant women who twice a week eat only 650 cals a day are at a lower risk for breast cancer...sorry although 650 a week is something most of us strive for but realistically it's not healthy...yeah
thank you for your comments they made me feel a lot better!!! Love you guys
thank you for your comments they made me feel a lot better!!! Love you guys
So through with that bitch
I'm referring to Mia. I know I enjoy a good purge like the next person but I've realized that she's got to get out of my life. At first it was just a control method. Eat and purge until I have my discipline. Then just to control the moments when I had to eat for the sake of others. Lately she's taken over. I binge binge binge and then purge purge purge. It's not even a matter of weight control anymore. Don't get me wrong I want to loose weight (which I've been a failure at), I just can't control it anymore. I go to bed and wake up with good intentions but I leave the house and go grocery shopping (unavoidable with a kid), and all the bullshit food wanders into my basket. I then proceed to check out, spend waaaay to much money, go home and binge and purge. I eat food designated for my kid (her treats) and purge it. Then the next day I have to go repeat that cycle because my kid obviously has to eat. It has not become a matter of weight but a matter of addiction. I am a failure.
Brittany I promised to do the thing with you for 6 weeks but I've completely failed. I am sorry.
So I just took the initiative and e-mailed a psychologist who not only specializes in my current issues but also eating disorders and I hope to get an appointment, which could take a while (waiting for a spot is like 6-12 months over here...I guess this city is filled with nuts). I want to leave Mia behind. It's funny because I love(d) her more than Ana. I want Ana back though. But when you constantly binge there's no room for Ana.
Mia also hasn't kept her promise, I'm creeping up on 80kg. Not cool.
I hope this guy can help me leave Mia behind. I had good times but I don't feel the same about her anymore, but I can't do it on my own.
I know I was supposed to take a few days off from here but I found what I needed quicker. So yeah I'm back.
Stay Strong
MUAH
EDIT: oh I saw on Tv today that women who strictly only eat 650 cals a week are at a lower risk for breast cancer. for any of you fellow germans/speakers/understanders I saw it on Punkt 12 so you might find it on the RTL website
Brittany I promised to do the thing with you for 6 weeks but I've completely failed. I am sorry.
So I just took the initiative and e-mailed a psychologist who not only specializes in my current issues but also eating disorders and I hope to get an appointment, which could take a while (waiting for a spot is like 6-12 months over here...I guess this city is filled with nuts). I want to leave Mia behind. It's funny because I love(d) her more than Ana. I want Ana back though. But when you constantly binge there's no room for Ana.
Mia also hasn't kept her promise, I'm creeping up on 80kg. Not cool.
I hope this guy can help me leave Mia behind. I had good times but I don't feel the same about her anymore, but I can't do it on my own.
I know I was supposed to take a few days off from here but I found what I needed quicker. So yeah I'm back.
Stay Strong
MUAH
EDIT: oh I saw on Tv today that women who strictly only eat 650 cals a week are at a lower risk for breast cancer. for any of you fellow germans/speakers/understanders I saw it on Punkt 12 so you might find it on the RTL website
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Food must be going out of style
because these past two days i've consumed it like it has been. i'm sure i consumed between 4000-5000 cals. and i haven't even purged. i feel like i'm sick of food however. hopefully tomorrow i can keep myself in check. i'm at the point where food disgusts me. now i just have to keep that attitude. my back is almost all the way better. tomorrow i'm going to attempt the step aerobics veideo. i would start tonight but my stomach hurts so bad and i feel so nauseous that i don't know how much i can move. i mean yeah i should probably go purge because i don't even want to know my weight when i step on my scale tomorrow. i'm guesstimating i've probably went back over 80kg. disgusting i know but maybe that's what i need right now. i think i need that shock right now to show me eating does nothing but get you fat. i can actually trace my exact descent into getting fatty again. allowing myself to partake in fatty foods at a bbq this summer. i think it was the second weekend in july. i know long time ago right? but when i get around certain people where i have to prove that i eat like a normal person i loose the discipline if i allow a little bit of leeway then i just overdo shit. i always overdo shit. seriously it's disgusting. i'm disgusting. food is disgusting.
it just turns into fat. i know i'm only eating because the additives in it. i miss weed maybe i'm eating to make up for it, idk. but it's not an excuse. i'm feeling so sick right now because of all the food that i don't even ever want to eat again. and if i do eat it'll be baby food. it's not solid and it's low cal. one glass is enough as well to get you full. if i eat i just need to think after every bite and wonder if i'm still even hungry. i need to only eat when i'm hungry and stop plotting and planning binges. i need to stop eating to the point where i feel i should purge. because right now i'd love to purge but i know i must really punish myself. feeling sick is my punishment. fat asses like me don't deserve to feel happiness.
you know what's funny even if a woman is bigger than me and i would feel like shit looking like she does, i feel that she is still pretty. i envy her for being able to carry her weight so well and wonder why i can't. however sometimes when i see girls smaller than me (not very hard) i'll envy them but still think to myself i wouldn't even be happy at that size a little bit smaller would be better....
and now it's is seriously time to stop whining. i know i've said it many times but this time it's. i'm swearing of junk food. i will be 100% vegan in my diet. no excuses. if i feel the need to binge they must me vegan too. however i hope to not binge anytime soon because, and this is something i should never forget FOOD IS DISGUSTING it is vile and it makes me FAT. food should never be consumed for my own pleasure but only to get "ignorant" people off my back, and even then only enough to satisfy them!!!
Seriously food has got to go, i should only really buy food for my little one. i should really just allow myself baby food and fruit and vegetables in raw form. i wish i had a kitchen already so i could make myself protein shakes.
oh well enough bitching
FUCK FOOD
stay strong
muah
it just turns into fat. i know i'm only eating because the additives in it. i miss weed maybe i'm eating to make up for it, idk. but it's not an excuse. i'm feeling so sick right now because of all the food that i don't even ever want to eat again. and if i do eat it'll be baby food. it's not solid and it's low cal. one glass is enough as well to get you full. if i eat i just need to think after every bite and wonder if i'm still even hungry. i need to only eat when i'm hungry and stop plotting and planning binges. i need to stop eating to the point where i feel i should purge. because right now i'd love to purge but i know i must really punish myself. feeling sick is my punishment. fat asses like me don't deserve to feel happiness.
you know what's funny even if a woman is bigger than me and i would feel like shit looking like she does, i feel that she is still pretty. i envy her for being able to carry her weight so well and wonder why i can't. however sometimes when i see girls smaller than me (not very hard) i'll envy them but still think to myself i wouldn't even be happy at that size a little bit smaller would be better....
and now it's is seriously time to stop whining. i know i've said it many times but this time it's. i'm swearing of junk food. i will be 100% vegan in my diet. no excuses. if i feel the need to binge they must me vegan too. however i hope to not binge anytime soon because, and this is something i should never forget FOOD IS DISGUSTING it is vile and it makes me FAT. food should never be consumed for my own pleasure but only to get "ignorant" people off my back, and even then only enough to satisfy them!!!
Seriously food has got to go, i should only really buy food for my little one. i should really just allow myself baby food and fruit and vegetables in raw form. i wish i had a kitchen already so i could make myself protein shakes.
oh well enough bitching
FUCK FOOD
stay strong
muah
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Failed but suceeded in achieving my b/p dream
so i went for my mcd's binge...following could be triggering
3 big macs
2 cheeseburgers
1 veggie burger
1 L Coke Zero (oh yeah went no cal on the drink)
PUUUUUURRRRRGGGGGEEEE
so hard but you've never seen anyone with better posture purging
Avani promise to get you those names asap just the article is at my parents house so when i go back i'll make sure to get them for you!!!
3 big macs
2 cheeseburgers
1 veggie burger
1 L Coke Zero (oh yeah went no cal on the drink)
PUUUUUURRRRRGGGGGEEEE
so hard but you've never seen anyone with better posture purging
Avani promise to get you those names asap just the article is at my parents house so when i go back i'll make sure to get them for you!!!
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